1 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:03,795 Hi. I'm Andy Millman. 2 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:08,237 What would you rather do, have your child die of thirst or dysentery? 3 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,514 That's not a choice that you or I have to make, is it? 4 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,672 But one in five people don't have access to clean drinking water. 5 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:18,230 Every day, millions of people have to drink the only water available to them 6 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,356 and they run the risk of dying. 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:25,594 You can help put an end to that terrible risk by pledging just £5. Please help. 8 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:27,915 Cut. 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,115 -Was that all right? -That was fantastic. 10 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,758 -Brilliant, my pleasure. -Thank you so much. 11 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,432 That was so wonderful. Chris! 12 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,114 -Hi, hello. How are you? -What's this for today? 13 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,713 -It's for people in the Third World... -Yeah. 14 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,028 ...who don't have clean drinking... 15 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,953 This screen. Are you gonna project anything on there? 16 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,917 Oh, we don't know yet. I'm not quite sure. 17 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,833 Okay. Because we have an album coming out, Greatest Hits. 18 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,229 Maybe just put a picture of the album cover on it. 19 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,719 -Oh, ah... -Just simple. 20 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,792 I think, probably, if we're gonna project anything, we'll show sort of pictures 21 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,155 of people dying because of a lack of clean water. 22 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,310 Could they be holding the album? 23 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,313 Not really, no. I think that might be a bit inappropriate, perhaps? 24 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,674 Oh. 25 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,990 I presume at some point you're gonna have some footage 26 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,992 of these people walking around looking sad, miserable. 27 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,719 What about some music? Check this out. 28 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,677 (HUMMING) 29 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,998 -Is that one of yours? -Yeah, yeah. Trouble. 30 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,038 Just say at the bottom, "This is available, Coldplay, Greatest Hits. " 31 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,793 -I'm not quite sure what's gonna happen yet. -Easy. Easy. 32 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,758 -So easy! All right, okay. -I think probably... 33 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,549 -Now, where do you want me to stand? -Just there, that's great. 34 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,475 -Hey, I know you. -You all right? 35 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,994 Are we having a laugh? 36 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,072 -Are you having a laugh? Yeah. -Yeah. I could come on your show. 37 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,515 -What's your audience, five or six million? -That'd be fab! 38 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,512 I don't know. I think it's weird, celebrities just popping up in a sitcom, 39 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:50,874 you know what I mean? 40 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,269 -It'd be good. I could play myself. -Right. 41 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,555 What would Chris Martin be doing visiting a factory in Wigan? 42 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,232 -I don't know. You work it out. -We will. 43 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:58,355 -We won't. -We will. 44 00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,793 -When do you shoot? -Thursdays. 45 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,711 -I can't do Thursdays. -Oh, never mind. Okay. 46 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,074 -I can do Wednesdays. -We can move it. 47 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,752 -We can't move it, can we? -No. We can. 48 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,592 -Well, move it. -I'll have... Yeah. 49 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,876 Can we get on with this? I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's 50 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,270 and landmines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal, 51 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,749 plus Gwyneth's making drumsticks. 52 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,835 Do some bloody work. What's up with you lot? 53 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,717 -We're depressed, Mr Stokes. -Why? 54 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,631 Radio's broken, Mr Stokes. 55 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:31,635 Statistics prove that workers are much more productive with musical accompaniment. 56 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,558 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 57 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,392 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 58 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,996 Oh, we can't work without music. 59 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:44,834 Can't work without music! Who are you, seven bloody dwarves? 60 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:46,918 You'll just have to buy us another one. 61 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,035 (EXCLAIMING) 62 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:51,271 I'm not made of money, and we've spent the budget for the year, 63 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,157 so I don't know what we're gonna do. 64 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:54,593 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 65 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:58,070 -Maybe I can help? -I don't believe it. 66 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,675 -It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay. -Hey. 67 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,830 Chris, what are you doing here, in a factory in Wigan? It's mental. 68 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,718 Well, Ray, I'm just in the area to promote our new album, 69 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:10,994 Coldplay, The Greatest Hits. 70 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,229 (AUDIENCE WHOOPING) 71 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,834 And I thought I'd pop on over and say hello. 72 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,876 Right. When's that due out? 73 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,270 It's coming out on the 17th of this month and it's gonna be really great. 74 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,239 Oh, fantastic. Well, this is gonna sound absolutely ridiculous, 75 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:28,518 -but do you mind performing a song for us? -Are you having a laugh? 76 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,511 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 77 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:45,559 # When you try your best but you don't succeed 78 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:52,279 # When you get what you want but not what you need 79 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:59,596 # When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 80 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:05,755 # Stuck in reverse 81 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:16,112 # The lights will guide you home 82 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:22,714 # And ignite your bones 83 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:29,558 # And I will try to fix you # 84 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,716 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 85 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,393 "This week When The Whistle Blows sunk even lower in its desperate attempts 86 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,755 "to appeal to as many of the great unwashed as possible 87 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:51,311 "by roping in the services of rock star Chris Martin, whose inexplicable appearance 88 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,391 "was the latest attempt by Andy Millman 89 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,948 "to shamelessly prop up his lame duck of a sitcom."' 90 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,316 I told you. I told everyone. Why did I let people convince me? 91 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:03,029 -Calm down. Muffin? -No. 92 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,711 -Have a lovely bit of muffin. -I don't want any. 93 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,678 -Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin? -No. 94 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,150 -Thank you. Bar? -Yo. 95 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:13,878 -I'm having the muffin. -I'll come through. 96 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,520 -Why is this an event? -He's excited. 97 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,716 All right. All right, Andy? 98 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,237 -All right, Shaun. -Lovely bit of muffin. 99 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,517 -Hello, you. -Oh, lovely. 100 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,398 -Why's he eating it like that? -Yeah. Why are you eating like that? 101 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,278 Me hands. I've been cleaning out the toilets. I've got no gloves. 102 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,238 You... You shook my hand when you came in. 103 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,671 Well, it's politeness, innit? 104 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,479 Just being polite. We are celebrating with that lovely bit of muffin. 105 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,278 What would be the best news you could get today? 106 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:42,952 You're going full time at the Carphone Warehouse. 107 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,917 I don't work at the Carphone Warehouse any more. 108 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,752 Well, I do Saturday mornings while Nirinda's pregnant. 109 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,319 -All right. -No, what news could you get 110 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,073 that'd mean you've finally got the critical respect you've been looking for? 111 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,435 I don't know. BBC One comedy with catchphrases and stupid wigs 112 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:57,877 filmed in front of a live studio audience of morons is suddenly considered cool? 113 00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,313 That's never gonna happen, is it? 114 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,834 No. You've been nominated for a BAFTA. Best Comedy Performance. 115 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,399 -Really? -Yeah. 116 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,954 Not going to win, though. Something classier than this'll win. 117 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,393 No, no. Because I was thinking the same, 118 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,232 and then I was looking down the list of nominees 119 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,517 and it's all crap this year, so you've got as good a chance as anyone. 120 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,158 Cheers. 121 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,800 More good news as well. I had a call from a toy manufacturer 122 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,836 and they're quite keen to put out a Ray doll for Christmas. 123 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,150 You press a button and it goes, "Are you having a laugh?" 124 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,152 -Who's gonna buy that? -Same people who watch your show. 125 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,231 Thick kids and their thick parents and, you know, thick... 126 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,914 Thick people, I get it. The thick demographic, that's what I'm going for. 127 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,992 Don't slag them off 'cause those people spend a fortune on this sort of tat. 128 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,755 And ringtones as well. Oh, that Crazy Frog made millions. 129 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,876 Yeah. Where is he now? 130 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,952 Probably working on a follow-up album, I'd have thought, or trying to crack Japan. 131 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,109 It's not bad for a frog, though, is it? 132 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,191 It's very good for a frog, Bar, if you don't mind me saying. 133 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,272 I'd have thought he's probably the second richest frog in the world after Kermit. 134 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,955 -Kermit, yeah. There was his nephew, Robin. -Ah, Robin was good. 135 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,712 Looked set to take over the empire for a while, didn't he? 136 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:01,949 Yeah. He was a very good actor and singer. 137 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,395 -SHAUN: Halfway Up the Stairs. -Good song. 138 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,431 Do you know, I've never been to an awards ceremony before. 139 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:08,635 Nor have l. 140 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,358 Do you think there will be photographers there? 141 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,509 Probably. 142 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,478 What if I fall or dribble something down my front? 143 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,233 -What are you, a toddler? -Oh, there's some nice frocks in here. 144 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,355 -Come on in and have a look. -No. 145 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,398 -Help me choose something. -I'll wait out here. 146 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:39,953 (CLEARS THROAT) 147 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,193 -How much is this one? -That's £2,500. 148 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,630 -(LAUGHS) That's a bit much. -Yes. 149 00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,679 Are there any of these that are... 150 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,673 It's all very expensive. I don't think you can afford anything. 151 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:09,995 -How do you know what I can afford? -Oh, just a hunch. 152 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,198 Hunch, you're a hunch. 153 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,998 -Hmm? -Nothing. 154 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,711 -Nothing in there? -No, nothing. Come on, let's go. 155 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,519 -Oh, where we going now? -Somewhere, just anywhere else. 156 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,477 -What exactly are you looking for? -I'm looking for a place 157 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,312 where people aren't quite as rude. 158 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,675 -Who was rude? -Her in there. 159 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,398 -What happened? -She just looked at me 160 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,916 like I shouldn't be there, like I was a piece of dirt. 161 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,955 -Come on. Come on. -Oh, no, no. 162 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,793 (PRETTY WOMAN PLAYING) 163 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,552 -That one? -Yeah. 164 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,836 Good day. My friend here was looking for a dress. 165 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,673 I wondered if we could help her with that. Gold Card there. 166 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,796 -Well, I'm sure we can. -Hmm. Good. 167 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:14,556 -Yeah, I think she was looking at this one. -Oh, wonderful. How much is that? 168 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,557 £2,500. 169 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,436 £2,500? 170 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,272 -Do you want that? -Yeah. 171 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,588 (GRUNTS) 172 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:27,036 -lf you don't want it, don't have it. -No. I want it. 173 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:32,038 I can definitely afford it. It's just a matter of is it the right dress? 174 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,189 Yes. 175 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,516 Could we bring it back if there's something wrong with it, 176 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,079 say, after this coming Sunday? 177 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:44,278 -No. We don't do refunds. -No, no, no. But if it didn't fit. 178 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,271 -She should try it on. -I know, but what if she got fat? 179 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,679 -By Sunday? -No. 180 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:52,038 What if the stitching there was to be pulled apart slightly? 181 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,314 -Pulled apart? -Just came apart? 182 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:58,679 Just normal wear and tear. The sweat rot under the old armpit. 183 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,434 Cuts through the old stitches. 184 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:06,115 Could we... Let's make absolutely sure, okay? 185 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,919 Always good to be sure. Sorry about this. 186 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,638 -You're not thinking... -What? 187 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:14,633 I'm gonna ask you a question now. Consider the answer, okay? 188 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:20,117 Do you really want me to spend £2,500 on that dress? 189 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,235 Yes. 190 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:26,519 She does! Aw. Go on. We've all learnt a lesson today. 191 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,910 There's a chance it won't fit. 192 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,875 It's not even tax deductible. 193 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,433 Do you do celebrity discount? 194 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,993 -Well, I don't know who she is. -She's nobody. 195 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,672 Are you having a laugh? 196 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,069 -No, we don't do discount. -No. 197 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,435 Not, "Are you having a laugh?" Watch this and comprehend. 198 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,511 Are you having a laugh? 199 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,113 Does no one here know... Is she having a laugh? 200 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,350 -Do you know? -Oh, yeah. You're from that sitcom. 201 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,192 -Correct. -Any good? 202 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,276 Not really. It's a bit broad. Relies on catchphrases and funny wigs. 203 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,918 Sorry. Did I ask for a critique? 204 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,309 Shall I come down to the storeroom and say you haven't swept up right? 205 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,753 Unbelievable. 206 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,398 -So you don't do celebrity discount? -No. 207 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,792 -No, not 1%? Couldn't give me 1%? -Oh, okay. I'll do you a 1% discount. 208 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:21,959 -What's that? -On £2,500? £25. 209 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,396 Not worth it. I'd rather you stuck it on if anything. 210 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,039 Well, shall we just leave it as it is? 211 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,673 -That's your Christmas and birthday. -Yeah, okay. 212 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,910 Never would have spent that much. 213 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:44,599 Those are £600. 214 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:45,749 (LAUGHING) 215 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,398 -They're very expensive. -That's not why I was laughing. 216 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,198 I was laughing they weren't expensive enough in a way. 217 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,794 That's what tickled me when I first saw the 600. 218 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,552 What do you think? 219 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,788 -Do you think it's all right? -Yeah. 220 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,840 -Can I get it? -Yep. 221 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,318 WOMAN: Andy! WOMAN 2: Andy! 222 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,630 -Andy. -Andy, will you win tonight? 223 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,472 Oh, it's just, you know, flattering to be nominated. 224 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,516 -Is that your girlfriend? -No, no, no. 225 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,431 -Yeah, all right. -Always tell journalists the truth 226 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,192 and let them change the facts later. 227 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,078 -And who are you wearing? -Maggie. 228 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,718 -No. -Who are you wearing? 229 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,439 -Maggie Jacobs. -No. Whose dress is that? 230 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,238 -It's mine. -Ah, okay. Thank you. 231 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,038 She won a competition. Don't speak to anyone else tonight. 232 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,712 -What did l... -Not even to me. 233 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,997 Dale! Dale! Darling, Dale! 234 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:58,799 Toby Anstis. 235 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,753 -Have you ever eaten a worm? -I don't even know what a "worrrm" is. 236 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,037 There's an "r" in it. You should "prrronounce" it "worrrm". 237 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,588 Old girlfriend. Oh, God. Shall we... 238 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:10,829 -Andy! -Hi! 239 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,069 -Hi! -You all right? 240 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,993 Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Yeah. God, you've done well. 241 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,275 Yeah. All downhill from here. 242 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,912 Well, are you... What's... Um... 243 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,790 What... Are you BAFTA tonight? Are you... First time? 244 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:33,351 -Well, yeah, as part of the Holby team. -Good luck with the... 245 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,795 -Um... -Yeah, thanks, thanks. 246 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,754 -And good luck to you as well. -Absolutely. 247 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:44,039 -Yeah, it's a pity. No, we should ask... -Yeah. I'll see you later. 248 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,192 -Okay. Good luck with the... -Thanks. 249 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:48,599 -Good to... -Good luck. 250 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,511 See you later. Cheers. 251 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,351 -Who was that? -The most boring woman in the world. 252 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,555 -Really? -Yeah. 253 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,358 -How do you know her? -I went out with her for a while 254 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,953 when I was an extra on Holby City. 255 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,554 -Oh, and then she dumped you? -No. I dumped her. 256 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,392 -You dumped her? -Yes. 257 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,879 -Really? -Yes, it does happen. 258 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,837 -When was this? -Couple of years ago. 259 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,229 Was that before or after you lost your virginity 260 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,392 -to the one who looked like Ronnie Corbett? -After, obviously, it was two years ago. 261 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,074 What, so you lost your virginity a long time ago then, did you? 262 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:16,593 Yes. I'm in my forties. 263 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,159 -I know, but when? -A long time ago. 264 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,878 Exactly. What age were you? 265 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,111 -Oh, I don't know. -What? 16? 17? 266 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,679 -Were you older than that? -Oh, what is all these questions? 267 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,910 I lost my virginity. Full stop. 268 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,992 -Why were you attracted to Ronnie Corbett? -I wasn't attracted to Ronnie Corbett. 269 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,196 She just happened to look like Ronnie Corbett. 270 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,238 It was the bank's Christmas do. I was drunk, all right? 271 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,436 -Oh, the bank's Christmas do? -Yeah. 272 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,750 But you didn't start working there till you were 28. 273 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,071 Oh, who are you? Columbo? Leave it. 274 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:54,634 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Davina McCall. 275 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,994 Good evening and welcome to the British Academy Television Awards, 276 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,959 and in front of me are a whole host of understandably anxious stars, 277 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:17,431 all wondering whether they're going to walk away with that most coveted of awards, 278 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,556 the BAFTA mask. 279 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:23,553 Now to our first category this evening, it is the Lew Grade... 280 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,838 WOMAN: I also want to thank our inspiring and bossy boss... 281 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,754 ROB BRYDON: And the BAFTA goes to... Oh, my favourite, Jamie's Prison Dinners. 282 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,798 MAN: Thanks to a terrific production team. You weren't a production team, 283 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,472 you were family and thanks for everything... 284 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:44,111 SIR DAVID FROST: Unlike newspapers, our TV newsrooms have to remain impartial, 285 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,191 at least theoretically... 286 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:52,308 MAN: The winner is, The Woman Who Gave Birth To Herself. 287 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:57,997 DAVID DIMBLEBY: But right in my eye line, on all fours like a dog... 288 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:02,232 MAN: The BAFTA goes to South Bank Show:. Dick and Dom Special. 289 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,230 -Well, hello. -All right? 290 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,514 Everything all right here? 291 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,797 We could do with some more wine, please, waiter. 292 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,639 -Comedy gold. Absolute comedy gold. -Thank you. 293 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,395 I love it. No, actually here in an official capacity. 294 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,950 -Oh, yeah? -Part of the Best Drama nomination 295 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,112 for Paul Abbott's Cock of the North. 296 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,430 -I imagine you saw it. -I didn't. 297 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,557 I had quite a large part. It was... It was good, you know. 298 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,189 Best Drama. The Holy Grail, as it were, of BAFTAs. 299 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,477 But you're, of course, you're here with your sitcom, aren't you? 300 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,869 -Yep. -Yeah, well. Good luck. 301 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,520 -Yeah, and you, mate. -Well, you deserve, you know... 302 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,192 -I understand it's very popular. -Yeah. 303 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,158 -Yeah. Good luck, mate. -Yes, well, I'll... 304 00:16:58,240 --> 00:16:59,639 -Better get back. -See you later. 305 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,678 -Drama crowd, as it were. -Yeah. 306 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,878 -But... Yeah. Catch you later. -Cheers, mate. Yeah. 307 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,236 MAN: We are on air live in 45 seconds and counting. 308 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:16,196 Many of you at home and in this room probably don't recognise Len Shearman, 309 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,714 but you'd certainly recognise his work. 310 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:22,475 Len was one of the most influential and passionate drama producers 311 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,232 in the history of television. 312 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:28,029 -Excuse me. Excuse me. -And in an industry famous for back-biting 313 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:31,669 and bitchiness, he was a gentleman of unquestionable integrity. 314 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,558 Sorry. Hello, all right? 315 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,072 Oh, for... 316 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,629 -Sorry I'm a bit late, l... -Shut up. 317 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,233 Richard Briers. 318 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,997 I... I was a bit late because I was just waiting for this, which is the prototype of... 319 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,356 -It's the prototype of the Ray doll. -I don't care. 320 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,280 -There he is. -Oh, who's gonna buy that? 321 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:02,352 -Like I said before, stupid people. -Yeah. Who are these stupid people? 322 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,873 That is brilliant. Can you buy them? 323 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,712 It's good, isn't it? You will be able to buy them. 324 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,552 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 325 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,198 Turn it off! What are you doing? 326 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,555 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 327 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,912 I was with Len only a few days before the end... 328 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,070 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 329 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,388 ...and he didn't have long. 330 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,799 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 331 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,598 Just turn it off. Take the batteries out or something. 332 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,033 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 333 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:25,838 Have you got one of those very tiny screwdrivers? 334 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:26,989 -Are you having a laugh? -His wife... 335 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,913 -Is he having a laugh? -He leaves his loving wife... 336 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,116 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 337 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:33,474 Take the batteries out. 338 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,790 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 339 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,118 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 340 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,517 Is he having a laugh? 341 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,958 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 342 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,073 Tacky shit! 343 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:18,960 -Oh, dear. I think it's broken. -Yeah. I think you're right. 344 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,552 Pull my trousers up. 345 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:40,116 -Oh, hello. Andy's friend, Maggie. -Yes, hi. Yeah. 346 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,229 He didn't introduce us, so, hello, pleased to meet you. 347 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,833 Hi. 348 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,633 -God, you two used to go out? -Oh, for about 10 minutes. 349 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,790 Why did he let you go? Look at you, all lovely. 350 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,599 -Oh, thanks. -Bit of a catch for him. 351 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,035 A man that didn't lose his virginity till he was 28 352 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,908 and that was to a woman who looked like Ronnie Corbett, so... 353 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,872 God, what did you say to him when he said he couldn't go out with you any more 354 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,428 because he thought you were boring? 355 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,550 He... He said it was because I was boring? 356 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,435 Hmm? 357 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,596 He told me it was because he'd just come out of a long-term relationship 358 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,114 and he wasn't ready for something else. 359 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,794 (STAMMERING) Not boring, not boring. He didn't say that you were boring. 360 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,634 He said... I think he said that the BAFTA thing, the kind of, the ceremony, 361 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:34,635 doing all the clapping was probably gonna be boring because, um... 362 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,871 Coming up, we have the prestigious BAFTA Fellowship, 363 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,350 but first, the award for Comedy Performance. 364 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,637 So please, will you all welcome Harry Hill? 365 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,111 Commiserations again, Andy. 366 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,794 I knew I wouldn't win. I'm not in it for the awards anyway. Well done. 367 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,997 Still, it's nice to have some recognition from one's peers, isn't it? 368 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,752 Listen, it's not really my business, 369 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,832 but have you considered doing something without a laughter track? 370 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,672 I think they're considered rather old-fashioned these days. 371 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,194 You know, if you want to pick up one of these old gongs. 372 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,589 Not bothered. As I say, not in it for the awards. 373 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,636 Also, I don't know, wigs and silly glasses, 374 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,597 bit undignified for men of our age, don't you think? 375 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,591 I don't think we're the same age, but cheers. 376 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,389 -Looks a bit desperate is all I'm saying. -I don't feel desperate. 377 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,711 As I say, it's a knock-about comedy. I'm not into high-art, so... 378 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,995 Ah, yes, but as Oscar Wilde so wonderfully put it, 379 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:45,392 "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."' 380 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,914 He was probably looking up men's trousers, the old poof. 381 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,149 Sorry? 382 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:53,236 -He was looking up at the stars, yeah. -Yes. That's right. 383 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,390 I'm off to look at some stars myself right now. 384 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,516 -You'll be seeing stars in a minute. -What? 385 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,797 Nothing. Why do you keep coming back in? 386 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,912 -Andy. -What are you doing? 387 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,353 Come in here. It's all kicking off in here. 388 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,113 -I'm not coming in there. -Come in here. 389 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,953 -What are you doing? What? -Just come in. 390 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,033 (SNORTING) 391 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:21,635 -Who's that? -Oh, hi! 392 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,831 -How are you doing? All right? -Yeah. 393 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,433 He's one of us. Don't worry. 394 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,590 -I'm not into this. -No, it's all right. Just have a little bit. 395 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,114 -It'll just cheer you up a bit. -No, no, no. 396 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,191 What's going on in there? 397 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,996 I'm just finishing up. Excuse me for five minutes. 398 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,877 Why are you doing a woman's voice? 399 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,679 -How many people are in there? -One. 400 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:43,872 That's a different voice. 401 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,837 Two, including the woman that you just heard. 402 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,399 Open the door. 403 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:53,708 Right, let me explain, okay? 404 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:57,236 I was just in here, and I was leaving, and he put his... That's my agent. 405 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,276 Darren Lamb, nice to meet you. 406 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:00,873 You shouldn't say your name. Never tell them your name. 407 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,473 Well, don't... 408 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,599 Well, he knows who... 409 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:14,997 -It was your fault. -Why was it my fault? 410 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,152 Well, because they saw your head over the cubicle door. 411 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,992 They saw your head under the cubicle door, 412 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,992 but there's no point in arguing amongst ourselves, we're... 413 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,035 Well, well, well, the Three Stooges. 414 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:28,553 -Sorry. Is something funny? -Your joke was excellent. 415 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,868 Shut up. 416 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:34,471 Corbett. It's always bloody Corbett. 417 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,671 You see, I expect it of him. 418 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,398 But you, you're the new kid on the block, aren't you? 419 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,278 I mean, how'd you fall in with his crowd? 420 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,429 Is this it or is there any more? 421 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,430 Just a bit of whizz, you know, to blow away the cobwebs. 422 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,670 Hand it over, then. Come on. 423 00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,235 -And where did you get it? -I don't remember. 424 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,392 Now, don't piss me about. Where did you get it? 425 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,358 I don't remember. 426 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:07,637 Was it Moira Stuart? 427 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,359 I can't say. 428 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:15,757 Look, we don't want you. Just give us a name, you can walk free. 429 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,274 You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember. 430 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,635 All right, here's something you will remember. 431 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,917 You're banned from BAFTA. You can never win a BAFTA now. 432 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,353 -What? Me as well? -Yeah, all of you. 433 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,555 Oh. 434 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,517 You can never attend any of our varied events. 435 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,229 You can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, 436 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,470 and you can't even come to the Children's BAFTAs. 437 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,391 What about the Welsh BAFTAs? 438 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,835 Well, would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked? 439 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,310 -Probably. -Okay, expect a call. 440 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,709 -He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs if you want. -Yeah. 441 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,712 Yeah, we're after, you know, more respected comedians. 442 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,234 -Makes sense. -Get out of my sight. 443 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,991 -That's all of you, yeah. -Makes sense? 444 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,834 -I reckon I could have had him in a fight. -Yeah. You idiot! 445 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:06,033 And the winner is Holby City. 446 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,194 Thank you all very, very much indeed. 447 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:28,036 -I'd like to thank... -Is that the girl you lost your virginity to? 448 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,112 -Who? -The one that looks like Ronnie Corbett. 449 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,511 That is Ronnie Corbett. 450 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,754 -Why would she be wearing a tuxedo? -She might be a lesbian. 451 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,752 And why would I lose my virginity to a lesbian? 452 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,229 I don't know. She might have turned lesbian after you slept with her. 453 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:49,108 ...we all say thank you for that. On a personal note, thank you to my partner. 454 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:50,474 Once again, thank you... 455 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,632 Well, I can never win a BAFTA as long as I live. 456 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,278 -Why? -I don't want to go into it. 457 00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:57,794 This is a shitty night. Can't get any worse, though. 458 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:02,078 I'd just like to say to Andy Millman, right, 459 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:04,992 I may be boring, 460 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:10,474 but at least I didn't lose my virginity when I was 28 461 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,073 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 462 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:15,311 to a woman who looks like Ronnie fucking Corbett. 463 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,069 Prick! 464 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,392 (CROWD EXCLAIMING) 465 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:26,318 No explanations needed. What's up next? 466 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,949 Huw Wheldon Award for Specialist Factual, brilliant. 467 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:11,588 -Oh, can we get a cab? -No. We'll walk. 468 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,830 I'm joking. If we sell the dress, we can get a limo. 469 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,037 -Sorry, can I get your autograph, please? -Sure. 470 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,673 -What's your name? -It's Paul. 471 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,079 (THUDDING) 472 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:26,872 (MOUTHS)