1 00:00:02,180 --> 00:00:06,731 Oh, it says here I'm going to meet a handsome man with bags of personality. 2 00:00:06,860 --> 00:00:08,816 I told you, I'm married. 3 00:00:09,780 --> 00:00:12,374 I still can't believe you got somebody to marry you. 4 00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:15,293 Don't be too amazed. You haven't seen her. 5 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,898 RAY: Bloody hell, Kimberley. Are you still doing that timesheet? 6 00:00:19,980 --> 00:00:22,540 -Hurry up. -It's complicated, Mr Stokes. 7 00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:25,612 Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? 8 00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,611 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 9 00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:30,373 You know it gives me a headache if it's too hard. 10 00:00:30,460 --> 00:00:33,611 Funny. That's what the wife said to me yesterday. 11 00:00:33,740 --> 00:00:37,528 I said, "Don't flatter yourself, love. That's not hard. It died years ago. 12 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,372 "That's rigor mortis."' 13 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:42,533 Andy Millman as Ray Stokes 14 00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:45,771 in a scene from BBC One's new sitcom When The Whistle Blows. 15 00:00:45,860 --> 00:00:48,454 The catchphrase is "Are you having a laugh?" Did you, Germaine Greer? 16 00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:52,692 Oh, for goodness sake, why me? Why do you make me watch this stuff? 17 00:00:52,780 --> 00:00:57,774 This was sexist, misogynistic, Neanderthal garbage. 18 00:00:57,860 --> 00:01:02,331 It was nothing but really nasty sub Carry On innuendo. 19 00:01:02,620 --> 00:01:09,093 And it seems that this talentless Millman individual also wrote the script. Wrote? 20 00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:12,650 -It's supposed to have a writer? -I think he needs a defender. Mark Kermode. 21 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:15,732 I think Germaine's being flattering about it. I thought it was absolutely horrible. 22 00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:17,856 Oh, I get the idea. They all seemed to like it. 23 00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:19,692 No, I don't think so. I think they're slagging you off. 24 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,133 Yeah. I'm being sarcastic. 25 00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:24,337 Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. 26 00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:27,219 Why did Germaine Greer and all those feminists burn their bras? 27 00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:28,449 What was going on there? 28 00:01:28,540 --> 00:01:32,533 Well, it was a symbolic gesture to suggest emancipation from a patriarchal society. 29 00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:34,497 But I thought a bra was supposed to help a lady, 30 00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:35,729 stop her getting backache, or whatever. 31 00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:37,492 You couldn't tell them at the time. They were furious. 32 00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:39,138 I bet they're kicking themselves now, aren't they? 33 00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:40,938 I bet their boobs are all saggy round their ankles. 34 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:43,090 Sorry. Can we concentrate on the matter at hand? 35 00:01:43,180 --> 00:01:44,533 I was going to say, the weird thing is 36 00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:46,338 that the worse the reviews are, the better the ratings. 37 00:01:46,420 --> 00:01:48,570 It's strange. I was thinking about all those people that are making 38 00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:51,413 really great programmes, but not getting half the audience that you're getting, 39 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:53,252 and thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be great to work with them 40 00:01:53,340 --> 00:01:55,137 "'cause they get a load of critical respect and everything."' 41 00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:58,530 Then I thought, "No, I'd much prefer working with you because you've," erm... 42 00:01:58,620 --> 00:02:00,576 "You've sold out."' Do you know what I mean? 43 00:02:00,660 --> 00:02:01,854 We're all making a fast buck now, which is great, 44 00:02:01,940 --> 00:02:03,817 because I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. 45 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,856 I do want to be doing this for the rest of my life, actually. 46 00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:08,534 Do you know how exhausting it is getting panned by the critics every week? 47 00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:12,579 I've got no respect and why should I have? I'm not an actor. I shout a catchphrase. 48 00:02:12,660 --> 00:02:15,572 Do you know why I got into acting in the first place? Robert De Niro. 49 00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:20,495 Do you think he'd be impressed with wigs, shouting the same thing every week? No. 50 00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:23,174 He's got a body of work he can look back on and be proud of. 51 00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:25,774 That's what I want. Get me something I can be proud of. 52 00:02:25,860 --> 00:02:28,579 -Has anything classy come in? -Well, funny you should say that. 53 00:02:28,660 --> 00:02:31,652 BBC are doing more of those modern adaptations of Shakespeare. 54 00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:32,889 Right. 55 00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:36,529 -Doing King Lear. -Okay. Who's playing Lear? 56 00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:38,292 -Robson Green. -No. 57 00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:41,654 Get me some real Shakespeare. Get me any play. 58 00:02:41,740 --> 00:02:43,810 A play always sorts out an actor whose career's struggling, 59 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:46,539 or they always pretend it was their first love and they do a bit of theatre 60 00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:50,738 and it gives them a bit of cred. Get me a play. The play's the thing. 61 00:02:51,020 --> 00:02:52,658 I'm going to write down play, Bar, all right? 62 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:56,130 I'm going to put this in an email so you remember as well. 63 00:02:56,420 --> 00:03:00,049 I've got the worst management in the world. Do you know what I mean? 64 00:03:00,140 --> 00:03:02,290 -Yeah. -I'm successful now. 65 00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:04,575 I'm still surrounded by the D team. I want the A Team. 66 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:08,494 It's hard though, isn't it? I mean, they're hiding in the Los Angeles underground, so... 67 00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:10,696 -Not The A-Team. -That's what you said. 68 00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:13,248 No. They're fictional characters. 69 00:03:13,340 --> 00:03:15,410 I thought it was a bit weird you mentioned them. 70 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,411 -I didn't. I meant the phrase. -What phrase? 71 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,139 The A team. It means the best possible people for the job, doesn't it? 72 00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:22,131 What about The Six Million Dollar Man? Was that a phrase? 73 00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:24,734 No. That was very specific to him because he cost six million dollars. 74 00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:27,129 No, no, no. That could have been a phrase. 75 00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:29,939 Like, "Oh, look at him. He's a right old six million dollar man, isn't he?" 76 00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,294 When would you ever say that? 77 00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:33,974 If you saw a man that could run fast and see really well out of one eye. 78 00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:36,858 What's the chance of that? What is the chance of that ever happening? 79 00:03:36,940 --> 00:03:39,454 I don't know. I didn't make up the phrase, did l? 80 00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:42,737 -It's not a phrase. It's, oh... -See you down there. 81 00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:44,173 See you later. 82 00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:47,411 Oh, Liza, before you go, could you sign that picture for me? 83 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:48,615 Yeah. 84 00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:54,215 What's your name again, love? 85 00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:58,618 Don't worry about it. If you can't remember my name, it really doesn't matter. 86 00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:01,817 No. I've just forgotten 'cause there's so many people. 87 00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:05,210 Right. So have you forgotten his name, then? 88 00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:08,931 Or do you remember the actors, but not the little people? 89 00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:11,375 I've been doing your hair and make-up for five weeks! 90 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:15,692 -I'm very sorry. I just... -It's fine, it's fine. Doesn't matter. 91 00:04:15,780 --> 00:04:19,739 -I've got a terrible memory. -Don't worry about it. Don't worry. 92 00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:21,535 Okay. 93 00:04:22,940 --> 00:04:24,089 Sorry. 94 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,298 God. What a bitch. 95 00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:36,211 Do you know, it's always the same with some of these people. 96 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:39,053 "Oh, I'm on the telly, so I'm more important than the fucking crew."' 97 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,415 -Makes me sick. -I know. What can you do? 98 00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,013 (MOUTHS) 99 00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:45,852 -Oh, Andy, by the way. -Yeah. 100 00:04:45,940 --> 00:04:47,976 Can you sign me a picture? 101 00:04:49,060 --> 00:04:50,732 Can you sign that? 102 00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:52,812 -This one? -Yeah. 103 00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:01,698 (CLEARING THROAT) 104 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,694 -Who's it to? -Oh, it's just to me. 105 00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:09,448 Uh... 106 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,215 What shall I put, though? To...? 107 00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:18,411 To me and, I don't know, best wishes or whatever. 108 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:25,129 Erm... 109 00:05:26,980 --> 00:05:30,416 -What? Do you not want to sign that? -No, with pleasure. It's just... 110 00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:33,810 I was just thinking, erm, I don't want to spell your name wrong. 111 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:37,176 -How are you spelling it? -Oh, it's just the usual. 112 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:43,254 Okay, let's go for it. Erm, oh, can't do it with that, though. 113 00:05:43,340 --> 00:05:45,137 Let me go to the dressing room. I've got a magic marker. 114 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,893 -Oh, I've got a magic marker. -Have you? 115 00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,579 In my bag. 116 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:55,097 Thanks. Right... 117 00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,738 Let's start with me first. 118 00:05:57,820 --> 00:06:02,530 Andy Millman. Work backwards. Best wishes. 119 00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:05,054 I mean that, "To..."' 120 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:09,337 and then your name. 121 00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:12,457 Oh, right, sorry. Before we do that. 122 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:16,499 Sorry about this, must... No, hold on. 123 00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:20,779 Let me do this and we can get on with it. 124 00:06:21,940 --> 00:06:23,168 Good. 125 00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:24,579 -Do you want to get this done? -Yep. 126 00:06:24,660 --> 00:06:27,254 I'm really conscious of time. I've got to get back down to the set. 127 00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:29,535 Right, yeah, no. No, I know. 128 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:33,938 What's your name? 129 00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:42,050 Well, you'll see what it is now because Andy is about to write it down. 130 00:06:45,580 --> 00:06:46,808 -Oh. -Oh, stop blowing. 131 00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,777 -Well... -You don't know my name, do you? 132 00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:52,330 -It's not that I don't know it. -Yeah? What is it, then? 133 00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:54,379 -What, in this context? -Oh, forget it. 134 00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:56,416 Honestly, forget it. It doesn't matter. 135 00:06:56,500 --> 00:07:00,095 I've got to get down to set. Just unbelievable. 136 00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:02,011 Un-fucking-believable. 137 00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:09,812 -She was upset. -Yes. She was. 138 00:07:10,260 --> 00:07:12,979 You knew I didn't know her name. I said to you, "l don't know her name," 139 00:07:13,060 --> 00:07:16,097 -so why did you give me the magic marker? -Just because you needed one. 140 00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:19,217 No, no. That was an excuse to leave and ask someone her name, wasn't it? 141 00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:23,088 That's clever! I'd never have thought to do that. 142 00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:32,129 -What are you doing? -Smell that. Nice fabric conditioner. 143 00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:36,218 I like smells. Do you know, I once had this bar of soap 144 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:39,895 and it smelt so nice that I bit into it because I wanted to see what it tasted like. 145 00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,096 It just tasted of soap. 146 00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:44,899 Andy, reception say they've got a guy here who says he knows you. 147 00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:47,369 -Oh, God. Who is it? -He says he went to school with you. 148 00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:49,291 -Steve Sherwood. -Steve Sherwood? 149 00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:50,608 -Who is it? -That's what he said. 150 00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:52,019 -What? He's here now? -Yeah. 151 00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,658 -Can he come through? -Yeah. 152 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,379 -Hiya, can you send that guy up? -Who's that? 153 00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:59,020 He was like the coolest kid in the school. Everyone wanted to be like him. 154 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:00,135 -Even you? -I suppose so. Yeah. 155 00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:02,415 -What does he do now? -I think he's something big in the city... 156 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:04,934 -You could still do that! -I don't want to be like him now, do l? 157 00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:09,172 I'm doing really well. He probably wants to be like me, if anything. 158 00:08:10,020 --> 00:08:12,693 He definitely doesn't want to be like you. 159 00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:17,410 Andy Pandy, you little fat poofter. Hey, poofter. 160 00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:21,133 Hold on, hold on. You're with a pretty girl. 161 00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:24,257 There can only be one explanation. Are you a prostitute, darling? 162 00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:25,659 Pretty girl. 163 00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:27,378 -So you're doing all right? -Yeah, not bad. 164 00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:28,734 -Is this the missus? -No. 165 00:08:28,820 --> 00:08:30,048 Why do you protest so much? 166 00:08:30,140 --> 00:08:32,779 What, you find the idea so repulsive? She's an attractive lady. 167 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:33,849 Stop it. 168 00:08:33,940 --> 00:08:35,259 You know we always thought you were gay at school. 169 00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,409 No, you didn't. Why? 170 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,297 -You never had a girlfriend. -Not in front of you, I didn't. 171 00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:39,415 Oh, so you had a girlfriend, did you? 172 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,013 -Yes. -No, not until he was 28. 173 00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:42,499 -28? -And she looked like Ronnie Corbett. 174 00:08:42,580 --> 00:08:43,649 -Not this again. -Ronnie Corbett? 175 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,856 No, it's... Why do you think I'm gay? 176 00:08:45,940 --> 00:08:47,612 -You don't, do you? I'm not... -Well, you are an actor. 177 00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:50,373 -That is the gayest profession. -Yeah. I think rent boy's gayer. 178 00:08:50,460 --> 00:08:52,576 -Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. -Well, of course it is... 179 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:55,970 Oh, you tell me, you seem to know all about rent boys. 180 00:08:56,060 --> 00:08:59,496 Oh, I'm not gay. I never have been, I never will be. 181 00:09:01,260 --> 00:09:02,693 Let's... 182 00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:06,896 nip that in the bud. 183 00:09:18,740 --> 00:09:22,289 Andy! Oh, for fuck's... What am I doing? 184 00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:25,653 What are you sitting on that little chair for? 185 00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:28,254 -Just, well, that one's dangerous. -What do you want? 186 00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:29,739 Erm, the play. 187 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:33,290 -I was talking to one of my contacts. -You mean Barry from East Enders? 188 00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:35,450 Yeah, and he's got a friend who's an actor 189 00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:38,771 who's just had a meeting with Sir Ian McClellan, who's directing a new play. 190 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,339 So I put in some calls and you've got 191 00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:42,217 -a meeting with McClellan on Wednesday. -Really? 192 00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:45,258 -Yeah. -There's some nice birds round here. 193 00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:46,455 Suppose so. 194 00:09:46,540 --> 00:09:48,656 -Andy, we'll be ready in about five minutes. -Cheers. 195 00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:50,970 -Five minutes is all I need. -What? 196 00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:52,459 Steve Sherwood. What's your name? 197 00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:54,292 -Susie. -Nice to meet you, Susie. 198 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,655 -What time do you finish here? -About 10:00. 199 00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:59,129 Right, do you mind if I give you a call? 200 00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:01,529 -Sure, okay. -What's your number? 201 00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:11,016 -Speak to you later. -Okay. 202 00:10:14,060 --> 00:10:18,212 Player. Respect, man. Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Millman. 203 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,609 -This is Steve Sherwood, friend of mine. -Are you a friend of his? 204 00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:23,533 I don't think so. This guy's an absolute player. Respect again. 205 00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:26,976 Listen, if we're talking about the honeys. There's a chick I've got my eye on actually. 206 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,210 -Who? -Her. 207 00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:32,053 -Maggie. -Maggie? Forget it. 208 00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:33,938 Yeah, from what I've heard, she's pretty easy. 209 00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:36,375 Yeah. She's not that easy. Good luck. 210 00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:38,291 How would you approach it? I mean, what sort of... 211 00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:41,611 Just walk straight up to her and say, "I've been admiring you from afar for a long time 212 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:44,260 "and I haven't said anything, but I would love to take you out one night 213 00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:46,012 "and see if we have as good a time as I think we will. 214 00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:47,931 "Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" 215 00:10:48,020 --> 00:10:49,339 -Bang. -Okay. 216 00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:50,978 -Don't think about it. Just do it. -Just do it. 217 00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:52,334 No. Don't do it, please. 218 00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:55,059 -Well, he says do it. -Get over there. Go on. 219 00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:56,732 Oh, look at him. 220 00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:01,257 -Maggie, hello, sorry to... -Hi. 221 00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:04,093 Erm, just wanted to let you know that I've been watching you secretly 222 00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:08,139 without you knowing and I would be very keen to spend the night with you 223 00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:12,657 and see if you enjoy it as much as I know I will and, erm, 224 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:17,052 happy to pay for it as well if, you know, for dinner, if you want to, if you eat dinner... 225 00:11:17,140 --> 00:11:19,131 Obviously you eat dinner. 226 00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,895 -Are you asking me out? -Yeah. 227 00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,853 -What, and cook me dinner? -I can cook you dinner if you want, yeah. 228 00:11:24,940 --> 00:11:26,339 -Can you cook? -Yes. 229 00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,809 -Yeah, okay, then. -Really? 230 00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:33,090 -Yeah. -Okay, cool. 231 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,139 -I'll give you a call, shall l? -Yeah. 232 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,652 -See you later. -Bye. 233 00:11:42,220 --> 00:11:44,450 -What did she say? -She said yes. 234 00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:48,613 Really? Oh, my God. It's worse than I thought. 235 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:51,737 -She's hit rock bottom. -Yes, she has. 236 00:11:52,220 --> 00:11:54,859 Do you know what? I've never seen him even try and chat up a woman. 237 00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,896 No, no, because I wouldn't do it in front of you, would l? 238 00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:58,732 I'm actually beginning to think he might be a bit gay. 239 00:11:58,820 --> 00:12:01,857 -Join the club. -No. Don't join any club because I'm not. 240 00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:03,339 Sure, you could chat up a woman right now. 241 00:12:03,420 --> 00:12:05,012 -Yes, if I wanted to. -Go on, then. 242 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,931 -I don't want to. -We've both done it. 243 00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,092 -Go on. This one coming now, go on. -No, no, no, no. 244 00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:12,330 (IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING) 245 00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:14,773 Hi. 246 00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,215 Hi, do you know what, er, time we finish tonight? 247 00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,813 Oh, I don't know. About 10:00-ish, I think. 248 00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:20,333 10:00, hey... 249 00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:28,811 (SPLUTTERING) 250 00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:38,770 Just wanted to know what time we finished. Cheers. That was unlucky. 251 00:12:38,860 --> 00:12:40,259 (GASPING) 252 00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:42,376 She answered me and everything. 10:00, she said. 253 00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:45,930 You know, are you still... Sparkling. 254 00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:48,937 She definitely noticed. 255 00:12:49,020 --> 00:12:50,419 (COUGHING) 256 00:12:51,260 --> 00:12:55,378 McKELLEN: Tilly, I thought she was interesting. 257 00:12:59,220 --> 00:13:01,211 That... That's better. That one. 258 00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:04,096 -Hello. -Hello, Andy Millman. 259 00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:07,252 -Andy, do sit down. -It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir Ian. 260 00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:11,413 Please, no titles in the workplace. Thank you. 261 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,809 Andy Millman. 262 00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:16,971 Good, good. 263 00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:18,857 Not much theatre work of late? 264 00:13:18,940 --> 00:13:20,658 -No, no. -No, that's fine. 265 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,336 You're in good hands here. 266 00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:27,257 How do I act so well? 267 00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:33,372 What I do is I pretend to be 268 00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:36,532 the person I'm portraying in the film or play. 269 00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:39,335 Yeah. 270 00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:41,615 -You're confused. It's perfectly simple. -No. 271 00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:45,249 Case in point, Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, 272 00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:49,299 says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard."' 273 00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:53,498 And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard."' 274 00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:59,253 And he said, "Yes, I am aware of that. What I want you to do 275 00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:05,449 "is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film."' 276 00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:07,899 So I said, "Okay."' 277 00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:12,053 And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?" 278 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,731 And this is what I did. 279 00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:20,453 I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard 280 00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:24,336 and then I pretended 281 00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:26,888 and acted in that way on the day. 282 00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:33,580 -Yeah. -And how did I know what to say? 283 00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:36,891 (WHISPERING) The words were written down for me in a script. 284 00:14:36,980 --> 00:14:40,450 How did I know where to stand? People told me. 285 00:14:42,580 --> 00:14:46,858 If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, 286 00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:50,171 it would be something like this. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action! 287 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:55,653 "Wizard, you shall not pass!" Cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. 288 00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:58,859 -Okay, do you see? -Yeah. 289 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:02,899 Now, you would be pretending to be John in this play. 290 00:15:03,420 --> 00:15:06,492 And how would you know what to say? Well, the words will be in the script. 291 00:15:06,580 --> 00:15:08,935 -Yeah. -And you would learn the words. 292 00:15:09,020 --> 00:15:11,170 You would not have the script on the night. 293 00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:13,569 And that goes for everybody. There will be no scripts on the night. 294 00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:14,854 -You'll learn the words. -Yeah, l... 295 00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:17,613 And you will speak them as if you were saying them for the first time. 296 00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:20,009 -I didn't think we would have the script. -No, you won't. 297 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:22,455 Because if you did have the script, it would break the illusion 298 00:15:22,540 --> 00:15:24,258 -and the whole thing is illusion. Do you see? -Of course. 299 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,490 -You are not really John. -No, I know. 300 00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:30,129 You are pretending and that is acting. 301 00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:37,733 What's the... 302 00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:41,818 What's the play about? 303 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:47,179 It's a new play by Charley, Charley Heyward. And as I say, you would be the part of John. 304 00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:48,932 And you're in love with Fran. 305 00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:53,093 And the whole centrepiece of the play is the emotional confrontation 306 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:57,332 where the two of you address those unspoken feelings... 307 00:15:57,420 --> 00:15:58,933 -Okay. -...that you've been bottling up. 308 00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,454 -That sounds challenging. Yeah. -Oh, I hope so. 309 00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:04,134 And, I don't know, is it anything that you'd be interested in? 310 00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:07,974 -Oh, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Great. 311 00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:10,051 So let me introduce you to the team. 312 00:16:10,140 --> 00:16:12,893 -There's Fran, who's your lover. -Yeah. 313 00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:16,893 -Leslie. Leslie, this is Andy. -Good to meet you. 314 00:16:16,980 --> 00:16:19,335 -You're Fran? Fran's a man? -Yes. 315 00:16:19,420 --> 00:16:22,093 It can be because Fran Healy out of Travis. 316 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,538 -What? -Yep. 317 00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:28,377 And our clever little writer, Charley. 318 00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:30,939 Who's a woman! 319 00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:33,810 -I'm Fran's lover in this? -Yes. Fran. 320 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:38,212 Can l... Can I have a quick look at the script just before... Yeah. 321 00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,332 No one said anything about that... 322 00:16:41,420 --> 00:16:42,978 And I don't know if you'd be happy to do this... 323 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:45,210 Yeah. I just want to... 324 00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:47,177 We thought we might do a little workshop 325 00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:49,490 of some of the lines, you know, get it up on its feet. 326 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:52,014 Kick it around a bit, I don't know. Do you have time for that? 327 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,170 -Yeah. Yeah. -Andy? 328 00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:55,579 Can I get you something? 329 00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:57,855 -Some water, cup of tea? -Yeah, yeah. Tea. 330 00:16:57,940 --> 00:17:01,535 -George, will you get Andy a cup of tea? -Yeah, no problem. 331 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:03,417 George. Of course. 332 00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:09,012 All right? 333 00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,531 Moron. 334 00:17:11,620 --> 00:17:13,372 -What? Are you talking to me? -Yeah, I'm talking to you. 335 00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:16,133 -Why didn't you tell me it was a gay play? -What... What gay? 336 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:18,097 The play I'm in that you got me, A Month Of Summers. 337 00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:21,411 It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay with another gay, acting all gay, 338 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,936 all through the play. It's... It's so gay. 339 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:30,728 Do not worry. Do you know why? Gay, my friend, is all the rage. 340 00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:32,856 -What does that mean? -Let me tell you what it means. 341 00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:36,137 It will show you are sensitive. It will show that you are versatile, all right? 342 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:40,099 Case in point, Mr Thomas Hanks, okay? Now people weren't interested in Tom Hanks 343 00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:41,818 and suddenly he does that film, Philadelphia, yeah. 344 00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:45,370 Remember in that film he played a skinny little bent fellow, remember? 345 00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:48,020 After that, everyone loved him. Do you know what I mean? 346 00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:50,250 Or those two guys from Brokeback Mountain. They're not even gay. 347 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:52,900 I was watching that, right, and they were getting off with each other. 348 00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,129 Oh, I was sick to the stomach. 349 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:55,858 They were so convincing that even though I was going, 350 00:17:55,940 --> 00:17:57,339 "They're not really queer, they're not really queer," 351 00:17:57,420 --> 00:18:00,696 I was still repulsed because of how good they were. 352 00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:04,128 When did you go and see Brokeback Mountain? 353 00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:06,495 I watched it on DVD with Bar. 354 00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:11,013 I don't know. 355 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,450 (BOYS KEEP SWINGING PLAYING) 356 00:18:33,420 --> 00:18:36,696 John, I love you. 357 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,094 I know. 358 00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:42,778 Yes. That's lovely. 359 00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:45,454 Thanks. 360 00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:53,579 Hi. Can I just check there are some tickets for, uh, 361 00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:55,457 my colleagues from the BBC who should be coming down. 362 00:18:55,540 --> 00:18:58,657 Damon Beesley plus one and lain Morris plus one. 363 00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,852 -Yeah. We've got them. -Oh, great, okay, well... 364 00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,659 -Andy Pandy! -Oh. 365 00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:07,618 You remember these boys from school, don't you? Nobby, Boss Hogg, Gut Rot. 366 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,338 (STAMMERING) What are you doing here? 367 00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:11,615 -You're not here for the play, are you? -Yeah. We've got tickets. 368 00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:13,179 Oh, not your type of thing. 369 00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:14,978 No, no, no. We're looking forward to it. What's it about? 370 00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:17,654 It's all feelings and emotions. I'm just here for the... 371 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:20,652 Oh, no. Oh, God, look at that. Poofters at 1 2:00. 372 00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:21,855 What can you do? 373 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:23,692 -Is that your audience, is it? -No way. 374 00:19:23,780 --> 00:19:26,852 -Andy? Hiya! -Fans. 375 00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:29,608 -Thanks for sorting out tickets, love. -No worries. 376 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,292 Why are you sorting the Village People out with tickets? 377 00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:32,813 Village People! 378 00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:36,893 -Guess who! -Bunny. Christ! 379 00:19:36,980 --> 00:19:41,053 I couldn't miss my little genie's first grown-up play. 380 00:19:41,140 --> 00:19:43,813 Oh, you do hang around with all the butch boys, don't you? 381 00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:45,253 Hello, I'm Bunny. 382 00:19:45,340 --> 00:19:50,130 -He was... He was... How's the wife? -Oh, gone. I was living a lie and she knew it. 383 00:19:50,220 --> 00:19:53,815 But now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious cock, guilt free. 384 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:57,973 Yuma, yuma, yuma, yuma. Break a leg. 385 00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:01,053 I'm going to, er, go down, get changed. 386 00:20:01,580 --> 00:20:05,129 Come down for a few beers if you want, but don't hang around for this shit. 387 00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:13,379 -Hello. -Hi. 388 00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:15,098 -How are you doing? -Good. 389 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:18,217 I've just been talking to Leslie and we think it would be better 390 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,736 if at the end of act two, you were to kiss each other. 391 00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:27,457 -No. -No? 392 00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:30,532 Leslie and you kiss each other at the end of act two? 393 00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:32,133 -Ah. No, no. -No? 394 00:20:32,220 --> 00:20:36,293 -No. Why? -Because it's too obvious. 395 00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:38,656 Oh, now, dear. Don't forget you've finally been able 396 00:20:38,740 --> 00:20:40,139 -to express your feelings... -Yeah. 397 00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:42,814 ...toward each other for the first time in 20 years 398 00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:47,291 and I think a kiss would be a sort of physicalisation of this emotional liberation. 399 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:50,611 You know, your freedom to show the world what you are. 400 00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,133 Not the whole world, though. 401 00:20:52,220 --> 00:20:54,450 Let's... Let's give them a clue, but let's keep it subtle. 402 00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:55,689 -Oh, no. -Yeah. 403 00:20:55,780 --> 00:20:57,372 -But if he just leans over you... -Yeah. 404 00:20:57,460 --> 00:21:01,294 Kisses me on the cheek, shake hands, curtain comes down. 405 00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:04,497 Bravo, encore. What a brilliantly directed play. Well done! 406 00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:06,730 Well, thank you, dear. No, dear, he must kiss you on the lips. 407 00:21:06,820 --> 00:21:08,458 -No. He can't kiss me on the lips. -Why is that? 408 00:21:08,540 --> 00:21:10,417 -Cold sore. -Where? 409 00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,616 -Yeah, opening night. Sod's law. -What, let me see. 410 00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:14,452 -You can't really... It's underneath. -No! 411 00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:16,735 -Don't you worry about that. -I do worry about that. 412 00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:19,892 We'll soon sort that out. Old theatre trick. Yeah. 413 00:21:19,980 --> 00:21:22,574 George, can you get us some Vaseline? 414 00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:29,779 DARREN: Hello, all right? MAGGIE: Hello, yes. 415 00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:32,454 DARREN: Come in, come through. This is the crib. 416 00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:33,859 -So, um... -God, it's big! 417 00:21:33,940 --> 00:21:36,932 -No, it's... Well, er, yes. Yeah, it's all right. -It's nice, isn't it? 418 00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:39,375 -I've bought you... -Oh, thank you very much. Is that red or... 419 00:21:39,460 --> 00:21:40,813 It's red, but I'll drink anything. 420 00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,289 -No. I got red myself. -Oh, right, okay. 421 00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:45,416 So obviously we're both fans of red. 422 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,058 -Fine. -I quite like wine. 423 00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:48,414 I like anything, me. 424 00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:51,298 Sorry. Do you want me to take your coat because it's quite hot in here? 425 00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:52,813 -Because of the cooking. -It's a nice smell. 426 00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:55,972 Yeah, no, it's... Well, we're going sort of... Sort of Oriental. 427 00:21:56,060 --> 00:21:58,255 -Will I just hang it up? -Yeah, just hang it up, yeah. 428 00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:21,132 (SEAGULLS CALLING) 429 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:27,978 Come on, Fran! You're like an old lady. 430 00:22:33,780 --> 00:22:36,214 I stopped to pick up this shell. Look. 431 00:22:36,300 --> 00:22:38,575 -It's beautiful. -IT is. 432 00:22:49,020 --> 00:22:50,772 Do you remember the first time we came here? 433 00:22:50,860 --> 00:22:53,169 -Yeah, with Paul. -Yeah. 434 00:22:57,180 --> 00:23:00,456 -Ah, bloody sea. -Why are you so scared of the sea? 435 00:23:00,580 --> 00:23:04,539 I'm not scared of the sea. It's just when it gets in your shoes, 436 00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:08,295 the salt-water just rots away the stitches and they fall apart 437 00:23:08,380 --> 00:23:13,773 -and you... You have to throw them away. -Are you still talking about the sea? 438 00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:17,614 -Of course. What else? -You're mad. 439 00:23:25,340 --> 00:23:27,774 I'm going back to the beach house. 440 00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:33,338 Fran! Wait for me! 441 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:41,337 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 442 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:42,819 -Ooh. -Yeah. 443 00:23:43,740 --> 00:23:46,459 You've got to go like that. It kept getting caught. 444 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:49,694 -Christmas? -Yeah. 445 00:23:49,780 --> 00:23:52,658 -That's not a proper Christmas. -No. It's just... I like the sound of it. 446 00:23:52,740 --> 00:23:55,732 I know, but you can't have a proper Christmas dinner in Ibiza. 447 00:23:56,900 --> 00:23:58,652 (TOILET FLUSHING) 448 00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:21,208 -Are you okay? -Yeah, just waiting for the cistern to refill. 449 00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:24,137 Just left a bit of... 450 00:24:24,220 --> 00:24:27,769 Didn't, you know, flush away completely. So... Anyway... 451 00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:34,811 -Are you going to sit down? -No, 452 00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:36,891 'cause it's on my mind, to be honest, so... 453 00:24:36,980 --> 00:24:39,972 -Okay, right, right. -I want to get it sorted. 454 00:24:41,660 --> 00:24:43,890 -Is that all right? -Yes. Just... 455 00:24:54,540 --> 00:24:56,371 Let's have another go. 456 00:25:01,380 --> 00:25:03,052 (TOILET FLUSHING) 457 00:25:05,980 --> 00:25:07,732 Oh, for fuck's sake. 458 00:25:11,980 --> 00:25:13,299 Don't worry about it. 459 00:25:13,380 --> 00:25:15,018 Do you know, I don't want you to have to see it. 460 00:25:15,100 --> 00:25:18,695 I don't want you to have to worry about it. 461 00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:20,532 That'll sort it. 462 00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:32,691 I was just mashing it up. 463 00:25:47,740 --> 00:25:49,492 You kept the shell? 464 00:25:50,780 --> 00:25:53,248 Of course I did. You gave it to me. 465 00:25:54,300 --> 00:25:56,211 It wasn't mine to give. 466 00:25:57,140 --> 00:25:58,778 I kept it anyway. 467 00:26:05,340 --> 00:26:06,932 Nearer the knee. 468 00:26:09,260 --> 00:26:12,093 John, I love you. 469 00:26:12,460 --> 00:26:14,530 In the play. I know. 470 00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:20,889 -I'm going to kiss you. -No point. 471 00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:23,570 Silly. Sometimes I don't know what you're talking about. 472 00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:26,857 We do, we agreed. If any nonsense happens, I'm going home! 473 00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:28,737 Let's just have a lovely evening 474 00:26:28,820 --> 00:26:32,290 and appreciate the stars and the moon as agreed, okay? 475 00:26:32,380 --> 00:26:35,099 So just run to the next bit. 476 00:26:36,020 --> 00:26:38,011 It's not going to happen. 477 00:26:39,100 --> 00:26:40,852 Who the fuck's that? 478 00:26:41,420 --> 00:26:43,729 What are you doing? It's like Deliverance in here. 479 00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:45,776 What are you playing at? 480 00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:50,130 I said I wouldn't do the kiss. 481 00:26:50,700 --> 00:26:54,409 McClellan comes to me five minutes before and drops that bombshell on me. 482 00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:57,890 "Oh, we'd like you to do the kiss."' Not my cup of tea, mate. 483 00:26:57,980 --> 00:27:01,609 And then all that. And him a knight of the realm. 484 00:27:02,860 --> 00:27:06,933 Do you want to do the end bit without that? Oh, he's got the hump. 485 00:27:09,820 --> 00:27:13,699 No understudy, so I'm afraid that's the end of the run. Sorry about that. 486 00:27:13,780 --> 00:27:17,216 We'd nearly finished anyway, to be fair. Only about five minutes to go, wasn't there? 487 00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:22,533 All you missed was, er, we find out me and Fran were both having it off with Paul. 488 00:27:22,620 --> 00:27:25,418 Do you remember Paul we mentioned earlier? 489 00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:28,339 Paul killed himself 'cause he was wracked with guilt 490 00:27:28,420 --> 00:27:31,696 about doing both of us behind the other one's back. 491 00:27:33,060 --> 00:27:34,175 So... 492 00:27:37,420 --> 00:27:41,049 She's writing all this down. That's not very good, is it? 493 00:27:51,260 --> 00:27:54,218 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 494 00:27:55,860 --> 00:27:57,851 Not my audience, so what?