1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:01,873 JONATHAN ROSS: A lot of people when they get famous 2 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,157 they find a lot of temptations in their way, they maybe drink too much, eat too much. 3 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:08,357 They get invited to parties and so forth, and, you know, weight can be a problem. 4 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:12,228 You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight. 5 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,353 Would I be right in that? Is it a struggle? 6 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,637 It's not a struggle. The more I eat, the fatter I get, it's... 7 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,517 -But you're comfortable? -It's easy, it's easy. 8 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,194 What are your ambitions? Obviously this has been a big hit for you, 9 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:23,349 a surprise hit some would say. 10 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,237 But what are your ambitions over and above this? 11 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,117 You gonna do more of the same or do you want to branch out? 12 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:30,954 I suppose I would like to do, you know, serious acting 13 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,359 and I would like to do films. 14 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,237 Who'd you like to meet? Who'd you like to work with? 15 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,435 You don't know anyone. 16 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,636 I know most people in Hollywood, I've interviewed most of them. 17 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,269 I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro. 18 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,078 I've interviewed all the greats. 19 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:46,357 Yeah, obviously Robert De Niro's the greatest actor in the world, 20 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,670 so I'd obviously like to work with him. 21 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:51,115 All right, challenge accepted. Challenge accepted. 22 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,953 No, challenge accepted, De Niro. I will hook you up with De Niro. 23 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,350 -You can get me De Niro? -Yeah. But lose some weight first. 24 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,353 -Andy? -Hi. 25 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:03,998 -Well done, that was great. -Really? 26 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:05,991 -It was fantastic, you were fantastic. -Cheers. 27 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:07,593 -Are you gonna stay for a drink? -Yeah. 28 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,477 All right, wait for me in there, I've got to pop downstairs. 29 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,676 But don't go without seeing me, I'd really love to chat. 30 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,911 -Okay, all right. -Wait for me. I'll be a minute. 31 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,437 -Is that your first chat show? -Yeah. 32 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:21,919 -You're not serious? -I was nervous as well. 33 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:22,989 It didn't show. 34 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:24,354 -Oh, really? -No, I didn't notice. 35 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,317 -You were great, I loved your stories. -I'm used to it. 36 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,753 I've done loads, you'll get used to it. 37 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,798 Sorry, have you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience? 38 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:31,869 Yeah. What, now? 39 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,234 -Is that all right? -Yeah. 40 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,231 MAN: Joe, this is Andy. Andy, Joe. 41 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:36,548 -Hi. -Hi. 42 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:40,110 -You all right? -Yeah, can I ask... 43 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,791 Joe's going into hospital next week, St Matthews. 44 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,874 May be in for quite a long time, 45 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,076 and would you pop in and say hello? 46 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:51,354 Would l...? 47 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,716 Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in hospital? 48 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,678 I'm not sure what I'm doing. 49 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:59,074 -All right, well... -To be honest. 50 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,674 Give me your number and we can arrange something. 51 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,194 -Yeah, if you call my agent on... -Not your agent. 52 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,236 -Not my agent? -No. They fob you off, agents. 53 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,629 What's your mobile? 54 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,475 I lost my mobile. I don't know where it is at the moment. 55 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,955 -It's in your pocket. -It's in my what? 56 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,917 It's in your pocket. 57 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:22,271 Oh, I thought I looked there. I... 58 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:27,115 Why didn't I look in there? I usually look in my pocket. Well done, kid. 59 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,113 What's your number? 60 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,479 -Mine? -Yeah. 61 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,029 Can I remember it? 0... 62 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,714 7700900. 63 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,477 1-5-8. 64 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,073 Oh, I'll just ring it so I've got it in there. 65 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,913 Well, don't, no, that's my old one. That's the one I lost. 66 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,638 That's the one I lost. 67 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:58,236 No. If you're gonna test it, it's 07700900168. 68 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,356 Okay, all right. Well, I'll ring to confirm Monday. 69 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,476 -I don't know if I can... -You can make it Monday. 70 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,357 -It's just half an hour. -Yeah. 71 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,237 -Get a cab, you can afford it. -Yeah, I know. 72 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,151 -But... -6:00, St Matthews? 73 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,277 He's gonna be on the Parrot Ward, neurology block. 74 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,271 -And it's 6:00. -Okay. 75 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,429 -See you at 6:00. -Yeah. 76 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:16,999 Great, thank you very, very much. 77 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,195 -Say goodbye. -Goodbye. 78 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,315 -Cheers. -Bye-bye, thanks. 79 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,515 Bye. 80 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,352 (WHISPERING) This way. 81 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,916 -Bit weird, innit? -Bit presumptuous. 82 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,991 No, I mean it's weird she didn't ask me. 83 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:38,914 I mean, knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people. 84 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,911 Well, maybe she didn't notice me. 85 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,558 -Maybe. -Unlikely. 86 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,950 I think you're gonna notice Robert Lindsay in a room. 87 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,998 No, she probably saw me and thought, "I'd love to ask him first, 88 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:53,232 "being one of Britain's best loved actors, and let's not forget, you know, he can sing, 89 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,312 "he can dance and he has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake."' 90 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,753 Ah. 91 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:02,231 No, she... I know what it was, she was intimidated and she, you know, thought, 92 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:06,313 "Bird in the hand, I'll definitely get a "yes" from the nobody."' 93 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,279 Worried about this kid though, aren't you? 94 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,316 -Yeah... -No, I'm worried. I'm worried about the kid 95 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:15,439 because if this, you know, so-called mother is making stupid mistakes like that, 96 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,080 you know, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making? 97 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,197 (INHALING DEEPLY) Is she screwing up his medication? 98 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,552 -Is she, is she? -I don't know. 99 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:24,834 No, no. 100 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,152 -Good luck. Keep them laughing. -Cheers. 101 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,833 (SAXOPHONE PLAYING) 102 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,037 Would you like to come back for a nightcap? 103 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:50,997 Yeah, I'd love to. 104 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,153 (CHATTERING) 105 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,755 -Oh, hiya. Nice night? -Yeah, it was lovely, yeah, yeah. 106 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:02,989 This is Maggie. 107 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,513 -Hi. -Hello, Maggie. 108 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,239 -You live with your parents? -Yeah. 109 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:12,515 If you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear? 110 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,828 We need to get up early tomorrow. 111 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,319 We're not gonna get up to anything. 112 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,958 Oh, I think Michael thinks you are. 113 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,873 I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here. 114 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,428 You don't want people saying you're a prick-tease, love. 115 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,794 Definitely not. 116 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,919 Girl like you, you're no spring chicken, you must be sexually active. 117 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,070 You look like you know your way around. 118 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,072 Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something? 119 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,151 -Hmm? -Are you on contraception? 120 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,958 -Yeah. -What kind? 121 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,999 -Just the pill. -The pill? 122 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:48,074 Don't go on the pill, danger of thrombosis. I always use a cap, don't l, dear? 123 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:52,312 She does use a cap, but sometimes I pop a johnny on as well, just to be safe. 124 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,676 Belt and braces, we've got two sons, that's enough. 125 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,115 Now we want the fun without the responsibility. 126 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,758 (ALL CHUCKLING) 127 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,553 Doesn't have to be penetrative sex, either, of course. 128 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,959 Plenty of other things to do. 129 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,871 Sometimes we do everything but. 130 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,109 (ALL CHUCKLING) 131 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,919 An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. 132 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,833 (CHUCKLING) Indeed. Indeed. 133 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:37,429 -Do you play at all? -Mmm. 134 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:38,555 We should definitely have a game. 135 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,278 I used to play at school, I haven't played for a while. 136 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,191 I can see that. I've got a court in my back garden. 137 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,316 -Right, money on it. -I will knock you all over the place. 138 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,676 Actually I've got two courts. Brilliant, thank you. I'm gonna show you this. 139 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,796 -Is that your wages? -No. I've got two of these... 140 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,472 (MOBILE RINGING) 141 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:52,754 I got one in Japan, one in New York, right. 142 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,910 -Oh, I'm sorry. -I'll set it up. 143 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,558 -Hello? -MAGGIE: Hello, it's me. 144 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,119 Hi, yeah. 145 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,317 -What can I do for you? -Nothing. I'm just phoning for a chat. 146 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,549 Oh, God. 147 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,598 I've got to tell you about this date that I've just been on. 148 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,032 Do you have to tell me right now? 149 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,599 -What, are you busy? -Yeah. 150 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,716 I'm right in the middle of something at the moment. 151 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,279 Well, I'll call you later, then? 152 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,794 Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished, though. 153 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,314 -Look at this. -Sort of really snowed under. 154 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,630 I've got to go. I'll speak to you soon, yeah? 155 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,029 All right, well, I'll speak to you... 156 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,038 That's my toy, right, but this is his toy, I had to buy this separately. 157 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,509 -Check this out. -I love the fact that your toys have got toys. 158 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,273 (MAN ON TV CHATTERING) 159 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,352 Okay, so, how are you getting on with the De Niro thing? 160 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,319 -What's that? -For f... I told you. It... 161 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,913 Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film. 162 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,468 You said you'd get me an audition, you said you'd make a few phone calls. 163 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,232 -I've been looking into that. -Have you? 164 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,754 But it's tricky 'cause all his people are in Los Angeles... 165 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,673 -So? You've got a phone. -Yeah, it's complicated, though, 'cause... 166 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,990 It took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead. 167 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,399 -They're behind. -Are they? 168 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,436 -Yes. -That explains quite a lot. 169 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,115 -So what time would it be over there now? -Right, it's 4:00 here so eight hours. 170 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,430 -Five, six, seven... -No, you're going up. 171 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,636 -Five, six, seven... -You're still going up. 172 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:14,508 -No, that's down... -No, it's 4:00 here so eight hours, 8:00. 173 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,749 That's four hours ahead. 174 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,558 -In the morning! -Oh, okay, yes. 175 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,915 -Supposing they get in at 9:00... -10:00, have a cup of coffee. 176 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,514 -Say hello to the people and... Yeah. -All right. 177 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,318 -Add eight... -To what? 178 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,833 -10! -10. 18? 179 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,559 -What do you mean, 18? -Oh, add eight hours, you mean? 180 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:29,675 -Well, of course. -Yeah. Sorry. 181 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,115 -So call them at 6:00. -Right, their time. 182 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,758 -Our time! -Our time. Yeah. 183 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:34,829 And what time will it be over there? 184 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:35,989 -10:00. -10:00. 185 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,798 -At night? In the morning. -In the morning! 186 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:41,634 Forget it. If I can get hold of Robert De Niro before you, you're fired, okay? 187 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,393 I've outgrown you, I don't know what you're for. 188 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,916 Have another go but if I beat you to him, you're fired. 189 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,433 -Hey, hello. -All right. What you doing here? 190 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,192 Some more extra work, obviously. 191 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,635 -That's where it's tight, there. -It's the same as it was before. 192 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:09,429 Listen, Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on with this guy, right. 193 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,751 To look at him, you would think that he was Mr Perfect. 194 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,751 -Your dad? -What? 195 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:18,116 -What did you say? Your dad what? -No, a date. I went on a date. 196 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,838 -Oh, right. -Try it now. 197 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,833 Is this a really bad time? 'Cause I can easily come back and catch you here. 198 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,399 -That's better. -At a later date. 199 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:26,879 -Whatever you did. -We should hook up. 200 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,430 I've hardly seen you, well, not in the flesh. I've seen you in the paper. 201 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:34,149 In fact, a photograph of you here with your new best friend. 202 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,992 (ANDY CHUCKLES) 203 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,436 Oh, wow. "Wossy takes fwiend for a wide."' 204 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,431 That's at his house in Swanage. 205 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,192 That was a brilliant day. 206 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:44,715 Yeah. 207 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,553 Well, we should go and get a cup of tea or something sometime. 208 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,359 Yeah. Don't you get it, get a runner to get it. 209 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:55,753 No, not now. I'm saying we should get together and have a cup of tea. 210 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,992 Tell you what, if you do want to hook up and do me a favour at the same time, 211 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,036 I've got to go and see this sick kid in hospital Monday. 212 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,678 I'm dreading it, I don't know what to say to him. 213 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,318 At least if you're there, I'll have someone to talk to. 214 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,198 You sure you want me to come? Sounds like you should be asking some hot date. 215 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,874 No, it'll be awful. No, you're great. 216 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,030 -Buy myself a new dress, then. -Ah? 217 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,919 Nothing. 218 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,313 Right, well, I'll leave you to it, then. 219 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,799 -Look at his face. -Bye. 220 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,235 Why's he on a bike when he's got about five cars? 221 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,309 (CHUCKLES) 222 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,555 (WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD PLAYING) 223 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,315 (SCREAMS) 224 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,038 Oh, you bastard! 225 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,718 (BOTH LAUGHING) 226 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,830 -MAN: Cut, cut, cut. -Sorry. 227 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,075 -You know what to do? -The bucket fell off the thing. 228 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,151 Yes, I'm sure it did. 229 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,357 Can you just tuck that in? 230 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,479 Look who's here. 231 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:22,595 -Hello. -JOE: Hello. 232 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,159 -Hi! -Do the catchphrase. 233 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:25,719 Let him sit down. 234 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,518 Sit down. 235 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,798 Now do the catchphrase. 236 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,039 Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? 237 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,714 Oh, it's good, that is very clever. 238 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:41,713 -This is my friend Maggie. -Hi. 239 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:42,789 Hi. 240 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,077 What you been doing? 241 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,350 Just lying here. 242 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,668 Yeah. 243 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,599 Comfy? 244 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,069 It's pretty comfy, yeah. 245 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,190 And I'm on morphine so I can't really feel anything. 246 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,195 Rather that than terrible pain. 247 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,512 -Are you his girlfriend? -No. 248 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,795 No, just a friend. 249 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,440 Why do you have a friend who's a girl? Boring. 250 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,718 They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid, that amuses me. 251 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,234 -I'm not stupid. -Very dim. 252 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,716 That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair. 253 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,598 -Could you keep a goldfish in that? -See? 254 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,110 -Andy, can I have a word? -Yeah, sure. 255 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,428 -Outside? -Mmm. 256 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,239 Don't touch anything, they're not toys. 257 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,876 -Are you a Chelsea fan? -Yeah. 258 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,270 Can I just ask, and it's a very sensitive issue, 259 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,510 but if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away... 260 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,756 -Who's Joe? -Joe, my son. 261 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,991 -Oh, no, sorry, yeah, I know. Yeah, I knew. -Yeah. 262 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:14,033 If he did pass away, would you say a few words at his funeral? 263 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,594 Oh, l... 264 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,196 -I don't even want to think about that. -Well, we have to think about it now. 265 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,349 I know, but... 266 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,557 It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate, 267 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,474 knowing how much you mean to Joe, and how much he means to you. 268 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:35,429 So if you could tell me, yes, you'd be happy to say a few words... 269 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,148 But... 270 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,878 I think he's gonna live a very long time. 271 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,753 -He may not. -He will. 272 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,512 -He may not. -Oh, but, yeah, I know. 273 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,878 But it's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead. 274 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,678 We may even lose him in the next six months. 275 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,389 Yeah, six months is a long time with my schedule 'cause things change and l... 276 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,119 Can I just say that you've promised you'll be there 277 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,875 unless it's something like literally impossible for you to get out of? 278 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,916 -Like filming or... -Not filming. 279 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,758 Not filming? That's not important enough? 280 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,628 Well, what do you consider a good enough excuse to get me out of this? 281 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,154 Just so I don't bother you with, like, I'm phoning you up going, 282 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,994 "Oh, I can't make it 'cause of this..."' and you're going, "That's not an excuse."' 283 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,195 -You know? -Right. 284 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:18,633 What we talking? What sort of... 285 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,676 -Can we just talk about it later? -Yeah. 286 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,035 -Let's go back in there. -Yeah. 287 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,596 Where is he? There he is! There he is! 288 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:30,995 (ROBERT LAUGHING) 289 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,640 There is the boy. Look at his face. 290 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,637 Dumbstruck. I know, I understand, it's okay, it's okay. 291 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,951 -You were expecting a one-hit wonder. -You all right? 292 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:44,316 And what did you get? Bloody British legend. 293 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,038 I know you know me from My Family, 294 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,554 the biggest and most popular sitcom in England, 295 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,791 but did you know I'm a serious actor? 296 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,950 Oh, yeah, and I can sing and dance. 297 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,837 # Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh 298 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,275 # Don't you know that the world wants to laugh 299 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:02,672 # My dad said "Be an actor, my son, but be a comical one" 300 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:07,231 # They'll be standing in lines For those old honky tonk monkeyshines 301 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,880 # Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha # 302 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,473 # Gotta dance! 303 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,278 # Broadway rhythm, it's got me 304 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,591 # Every dance! Oh, that Broadway rhythm, driving, beating 305 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:21,629 # Rhythm from Mr Broadway Melody, yeah # 306 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,153 (EXCLAIMING) 307 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,556 -LINDSAY: Oi. -Sorry. 308 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,200 It's the morphine. I'm tired. 309 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,396 I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest. 310 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:36,754 Rude. 311 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,910 Well, I'm not really into musicals. 312 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,956 So, what are you into? 313 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,679 Well, comedies with catchphrases, like Andy's. 314 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,274 Freedom for Tooting! Power to the people! 315 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:47,839 What's that? 316 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,715 Your kid does not know comedy. Sort it out now. 317 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,276 Citizen Smith, biggest sitcom of the '70s. Come on. 318 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:57,998 I wasn't born until 1993. 319 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:01,197 I wasn't born until 1949, but I know who Queen Victoria is. 320 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,113 For God's sake, something wrong with your brain? 321 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,474 (CLEARS THROAT) 322 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:06,709 Right, you'll love this. 323 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,872 This anecdote has people on the floor at any function, any dinner party, 324 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,712 and if you think that's because they're drunk, think again, 325 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,758 because Richard E Grant loves this story, and he doesn't even drink so... 326 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:19,118 I'm on the set of GBH, I'm in my trailer, knock on the door, guess who it is? 327 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,394 -Go on, guess. -Mmm... 328 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,959 Alan Bleasdale. 329 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,873 -I don't know who that is. -Oh, fuck off! 330 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,591 Kid's a waste of space. 331 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,156 Oh, that was a nice surprise, wasn't it? 332 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,114 -Well, that was interesting. -Yeah. 333 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,309 -Do you want to go for a quick pint? -I can't tonight. 334 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,517 -Why? What you doing? -I am going to the Ivy restaurant. 335 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,876 You know Vernon Kay and Tess Daly? They invited me out for a meal. 336 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,633 -Why? -Just want to hang out with me. Yeah. 337 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:56,518 -Is there room for one more? -No, I think the four's made up. 338 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,512 -Who's the fourth? -Jamie Theakston, nutter! 339 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,715 I promised I'd come and visit the kid again next week, if you want to come again? 340 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,279 -Yeah, okay. -Yeah? Brilliant. 341 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:06,509 It's a date. 342 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,795 What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers? 343 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,313 He's mental enough sober. 344 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,038 (ANDY CHUCKLING) 345 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,835 -Yes? -Oh! You all right? 346 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,152 -Is he in? -Yes. 347 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,313 -Right. -Hiya! 348 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,949 I haven't got long, just want to find out what's going on with this De Niro thing. 349 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,429 What, did we have a meeting on? 350 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,878 'Cause I don't remember planning anything. 351 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,192 -Were you masturbating? -Was I what? 352 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,919 Were you masturbating when I came in? 353 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,553 Sort of, yeah. 354 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,798 -Don't tell anyone. -I'm not gonna tell anyone. 355 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,632 -No. -Why didn't you lock the door? 356 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,154 I should have locked the door, but I didn't think ahead. I just... 357 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,676 The moment took me and I just went, you know, crazy. 358 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,514 It wasn't anything weird. 359 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,273 -No, but just so you know it was... -No. 360 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,112 If you must know what it was, it was the lady on this pen. 361 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,474 I don't need to know. 362 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,632 It just looks like a regular lady, nice, attractive lady wearing a bathing costume, 363 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,711 but when you turn it up the other way, it comes off. 364 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,472 And then she's nude. 365 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,915 -Have you got my pen? -Yes, take your pen, please, for... 366 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,228 Were you having a wank? 367 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,073 I was trying to have a quick one, yes, but it's like Piccadilly Circus in here. 368 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,912 I didn't know. I just walked in and he was... 369 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,833 If it's anyone's fault, it's yours for leaving your erotic material lying around. 370 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,195 If you leave that stuff about, I'm only gonna do one thing, aren't l? 371 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:48,554 Why didn't you have one before you came out? 372 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,358 I did have one before I came out, thanks for asking, 373 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,396 but I'm a very sexual being if you must know, 374 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,199 -and I produce an ungodly amount of... -Fine. 375 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,433 Thank you. 376 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,235 -This is what I'm talking about. -We haven't talked about this. 377 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:02,548 I didn't think I had to. 378 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,552 I didn't think I had to make a list of things that you shouldn't do at work, 379 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,710 one of them tossing off over a pen. 380 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:08,949 No. 381 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,836 Do you really think you're earning your twelve and a half percent 382 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,876 -by doing that sort of thing under the table? -No. 383 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,518 No. Nor do l. 384 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,836 So why am I paying you? 385 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,195 That's it. This is pathetic, really. 386 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,511 I gave you a chance to sort something out and you'd rather be doing that, 387 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:27,919 -so let's call it quits. -No, no... 388 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,319 Look at that. 389 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,072 God almighty. 390 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:36,152 As far as I'm concerned, you're fired. 391 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,514 -That's it. -Well, if... 392 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:42,230 If you fire me then you won't know anything about the Robert De Niro meeting I've set up. 393 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,038 You got a meeting with Robert De Niro? 394 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,350 Yeah, next week. What are you doing next Monday? 395 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:47,919 What time? 396 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,194 -6:00. -Where? 397 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,315 -At his hotel. -What hotel? 398 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,958 Dorchester hotel. 399 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,715 So, next Monday at 6:00 at The Dorchester, I'm meeting Robert De Niro. 400 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,358 Brilliant, and if he doesn't turn up, you're fired then. 401 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,668 If he doesn't turn up, it's not my fault. 402 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,716 Well, no, you've arranged it, so it's win-win for me. 403 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,756 So either I turn up and he's there, I meet De Niro, 404 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:07,470 or I turn up and he's not there, and you're fired, and I get a proper agent. 405 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,760 Oh, for fuck's sake. 406 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,632 (PHONE RINGING) 407 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,438 -Hello? -Hi, you all right? 408 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:30,115 Oh, hi, yeah, I'm just on my way to the hospital. I'm taking Operation. 409 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,997 -I thought it seemed appropriate. -Yeah. 410 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,469 Look, I'm not gonna be able to make it later. 411 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,198 Oh, what do you mean? 412 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,795 -I've got a really important meeting. -What, at that exact time? 413 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,235 -Yeah, I couldn't... -And no other time was available? 414 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,754 -No, he couldn't do any other time. -Who? 415 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,671 Robert De Niro. 416 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,432 He couldn't do any other time? 417 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,193 Sorry, did you hear what I said? Robert De Niro wants a meeting. 418 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,590 -It's just it's the only time I ever see you. -I'll move it, shall l? 419 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,671 "Sorry, Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me, 420 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,637 "and you've been my hero all my life, 421 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,871 "but I meet up with Maggie at a very specific time every week. 422 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,279 "It can't be moved."' 423 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:07,399 All right, I'm not having a go. I'm just disappointed, that's all. 424 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:11,075 Well, I can't move it, obviously not, it's really important. 425 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:12,878 Sorry, I'll see you next week. 426 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,632 -Okay. Bye. -Okay. 427 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,278 Knock, knock. 428 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,554 -Hello. -Hello. 429 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,392 -How are you? -Good. 430 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,870 Bit of bad news, I'm afraid. Andy can't make it. 431 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,714 He's got a really important meeting. So you're stuck with me. 432 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,519 But I've brought you this, look. Ta-da! 433 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,670 -All right? Even though I'm a girl? -Yeah, all right. 434 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,751 -No, it's okay. -Come on, then. 435 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,357 -You set it up. -Okay. 436 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,150 (MOBILE BEEPING) 437 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,438 (GAME BEEPS) 438 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,238 You're so rubbish. 439 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,595 I hope the surgeon working on me is better than you. 440 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,069 This is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here. 441 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,391 From what I've overheard, your tumour is massive. 442 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,796 So it'll be easy to get it out. 443 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,232 You know... 444 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:44,713 (CHUCKLING) 445 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:55,876 Very strange. I'm sure he'll be here in a second. 446 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,599 It's very unusual for him to be late. 447 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:15,312 Have you ever driven a taxi for real? 448 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,279 -No? -No. 449 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:25,792 (BEEPS) 450 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,756 I used to have that. 451 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,434 What are you doing here? Has the meeting happened already? 452 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,193 -I didn't go, I came here instead. -Why? 453 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,871 Well, you know, don't want to let people down. 454 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,157 -But that's madness. It's Robert De Niro. -I know. 455 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,958 -No, but that's madness! -What do you mean, it's madness? 456 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:45,439 -Because it's Robert De Niro. -I know it is. 457 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,078 This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. 458 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,230 I know, but I thought you were upset about being second best. 459 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,799 -That's why I came here. -Don't turn it round on me. 460 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,394 -I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. -I got a text from you going... 461 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:55,357 -Don't make me feel guilty. -Made me feel guilty. 462 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,032 -That was supposed to be nice. -I know. 463 00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:58,758 -It was supposed to be encouraging. -And it was. 464 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,432 -lf you go now... -Don't be stupid. 465 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:01,999 -Just get a taxi. -I don't believe this. 466 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,116 -I do not believe this. -It's Robert De Niro. 467 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,235 I know who it is. 468 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,117 Now I'm gonna feel guilty for the rest of my life. 469 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,633 Don't make me feel bad about you feeling guilty. 470 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,438 But what if your career goes down the pan? 471 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,953 -I wouldn't worry about it. -How am I gonna feel? 472 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,679 My career is already down the pan. Now it's my turn to operate. 473 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,035 (BEEPING) 474 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:18,473 He's dead. 475 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,754 You're a man of the world, you'll like this. 476 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:36,434 Right, it's just an ordinary pen, so it seems, 477 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:40,399 and with a picture of a lady on it just in a bathing costume, just normal. 478 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,233 Turn it upside down. Oh, what's happened there? 479 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,639 Nudie lady. 480 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,350 You looking at me? I am now. 481 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:51,475 -Oh. -(CHUCKLES) It's good, isn't it? 482 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,757 -Yeah. Where did you get this? -My friend, Barry, gave it to me. 483 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:59,038 Look at that, back on, nothing suspicious, turn it up the other way. 484 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,711 Oh, hang on, hello! 485 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:05,038 -Can I have this? -Do you want it? Take it. 486 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:09,548 Do you want to go for a pint? 487 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,309 Hurry up. 488 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,709 -You're in a bad mood. -I'm not in a bad mood, but hurry up. 489 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,153 (GAME BEEPING) 490 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,834 -Dead. Dead. -Stop putting me off. 491 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,512 If you were hacking at him like that, he'd be dead. 492 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,113 (MOBILE RINGING) 493 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,270 Oh, it's Darren. What? 494 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:28,512 Hello, mate, what happened to you? I'm still here with Mr Robert De Niro. 495 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:29,794 -You're with him now? -Yeah. 496 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,677 We're just cruising down to a club. Come down, mate. 497 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,035 Erm, could I bring Maggie? 498 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,114 He wants to bring his friend, is that all right? 499 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,475 DE NIRO: Who's that? DARREN: Friend of his, a lady. 500 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,279 DE NIRO: The lady on the pen? DARREN: I wish. 501 00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,828 DE NIRO: Yeah, sure. DARREN: All systems go, mate. 502 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,469 -Hang on, what you doing after this? -Me? Nothing. 503 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,518 -Do you want to meet Robert De Niro? -Nah. 504 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:52,397 -Really? -I'm only joking. Yeah! 505 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:53,754 Okay, all right then. 506 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,035 We'll find somewhere, I'll text you the deeds. 507 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,315 -Okay. -See you later, mate. 508 00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,913 See you there. 509 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,196 -Really? -Amazing. Let's go. 510 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:04,349 -Now? -Yeah. 511 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,032 -What about the game? -We can't just leave him. 512 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,112 We can. Just give him an extra couple of drops of morphine, he'll be out cold. 513 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,509 -No, I'm joking. Right, whose go is it? -You have a go. 514 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,033 Okay, okay. 515 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,318 What would you rather do, right? 516 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:22,913 -(GROANS) Oh. -No, listen. 517 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:28,472 Would you rather die a sad, lonely, bitter old man, in a cold and empty flat, 518 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:33,236 or if we're not with anyone in about five years' time, just move in together? 519 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,792 I know what you've tried to do there, 520 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,155 you've tried to make the first option sound the worst. 521 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:39,593 Why is it a cold flat? 522 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,116 'Cause you're too fat to get up and put the heating on! 523 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,792 What, I've got five years to decide, have l? 524 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,677 Why's it taking you so long to actually think of the answer? 525 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:50,275 I want to keep my options open. I don't want to commit. 526 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:53,229 Hi. 527 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,038 -He doesn't want to see you, Robert. -Yes, he does. 528 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,190 He does, because I've brought DVDs of My Family. 529 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,475 -Come on, everyone likes this. -I don't. 530 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,870 -I prefer that edgier stuff on BBC Two. -What are you, a critic?