1 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:04,540 A lot of people when they get famous they find a lot of temptations. 2 00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:07,981 They eat and drink too much, they get invited to parties and so forth... 3 00:00:08,060 --> 00:00:09,901 Weight can be a problem. 4 00:00:09,981 --> 00:00:14,021 You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight. 5 00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:19,580 It's not a struggle. The more I eat the fatter I get. It's easy. 6 00:00:20,260 --> 00:00:24,501 What are your ambitions? Obviously, this has been a big hit for you. 7 00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:28,021 You gonna do more of the same or do you wanna branch out? 8 00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:32,661 I would like to do serious acting and I would like to do films. 9 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,941 Who would you like to meet? Who would you like to work with? 10 00:00:36,021 --> 00:00:38,901 -You don't know anyone. -I know most people in Hollywood. 11 00:00:38,981 --> 00:00:43,021 I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro. 12 00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:47,700 Yeah, obviously Robert De Niro's the greatest actor in the world. 13 00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:52,541 -I'd obviously like to work with him. -Alright, that's challenge accepted. 14 00:00:52,621 --> 00:00:55,740 -I will hook you up with De Niro. -You can get me De Niro? 15 00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:58,460 Yeah, but lose some weight first. 16 00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:04,861 -Andy! Well done, that was great. -Really? 17 00:01:04,941 --> 00:01:07,460 -Yeah, you were fantastic. -Cheers! 18 00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,661 -Are you gonna stay for a drink? -Yeah. 19 00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:12,900 Wait for me in there. I'd really love to chat. 20 00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:15,460 Ok, I'll be a minute. 21 00:01:19,221 --> 00:01:22,861 -Was that your first chat show? -Yeah. I was nervous as well. 22 00:01:22,941 --> 00:01:25,100 -Yeah, well it didn't show. -Really? 23 00:01:25,180 --> 00:01:28,100 -No, I didn't notice. -You were great, I loved your stories. 24 00:01:28,661 --> 00:01:32,221 Sorry, you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience? 25 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,540 -Yeah. What? Now? -Joe, this is Andy, Andy, Joe. 26 00:01:36,061 --> 00:01:38,781 -Hi. You alright? -Yeah. 27 00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:44,701 Can I ask... Joe's going into hospital next week, St Matthews. 28 00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:50,701 May be in for quite a long time and would you pop in and say hello? 29 00:01:52,141 --> 00:01:55,820 Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in hospital? 30 00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:59,620 -I'm not sure what I'm doing. -Alright, well... 31 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:02,900 Give me your number and we can arrange something. 32 00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:06,740 -If you call my agent on... -Not your agent! They fob you off. 33 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:11,581 -What's your mobile? -I lost my mobile. 34 00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:15,740 -I don't know where it right now. -It's in your pocket. 35 00:02:15,821 --> 00:02:18,900 -It's in my what? -It's in your pocket. 36 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:24,780 I thought I looked there. I usually look in my pocket. 37 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,780 -Well done, kid! -What's your number? 38 00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:33,981 -Mine? -Yeah. 39 00:02:35,620 --> 00:02:37,900 Can I remember it? 0... 40 00:02:39,821 --> 00:02:42,381 ... 7-7-0-0-900... 41 00:02:43,101 --> 00:02:45,821 ... 15-8. 42 00:02:48,261 --> 00:02:52,740 -I'll just ring it. -Don't, no! That's the one I lost. 43 00:02:52,821 --> 00:02:58,340 If you're gonna test it, it's 07700 900 168. 44 00:02:59,821 --> 00:03:03,301 Ok, alright, well I'll ring to confirm Monday. 45 00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:06,460 Well you can make it Monday, it's just, it's half an hour. 46 00:03:06,541 --> 00:03:09,900 Get a cab, you can afford it. Six o'clock, St Matthews? 47 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:14,180 He's going to be on the parrot ward, neurology block. And six o'clock. 48 00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:18,021 See you at six. Great! Thank you very, very much. 49 00:03:18,101 --> 00:03:20,180 -Say goodbye. -Bye! 50 00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:23,180 This way... 51 00:03:30,981 --> 00:03:33,701 -Bit weird isn't it? -Bit presumptuous. 52 00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:37,261 No, it's weird she didn't ask me. Knowing what I can do 53 00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:41,301 and how much joy I bring to people. Maybe she didn't notice me. 54 00:03:41,861 --> 00:03:45,861 Unlikely. I think you're gonna notice Robert Lindsay in a room. 55 00:03:46,821 --> 00:03:49,940 No, she probably saw me and thought: "I'd love to ask him first," 56 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:53,141 "being one of Britain's best known actors..." 57 00:03:53,220 --> 00:03:57,381 "Plus, he can sing, he can dance and he has won awards on Broadway." 58 00:03:58,421 --> 00:04:03,500 I know... She was intimidated and she thought bird in the hand... 59 00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:10,981 Worried about this kid though aren't you? 60 00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:14,581 I'm worried about the kid because if this so-called mother 61 00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:18,061 is making stupid mistakes like that, choosing you over me, 62 00:04:18,141 --> 00:04:22,420 what other mistakes is she making? Is she screwing up his medication? 63 00:04:22,780 --> 00:04:25,100 -Is she? -I don't know... 64 00:04:26,941 --> 00:04:30,021 -Good luck. Keep 'em laughing. -Cheers! 65 00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:50,021 Would you like to come back for a night cap? 66 00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,181 Yeah, I'd love to. 67 00:04:58,941 --> 00:05:02,381 -Oh hiya. Nice night? -Yeah, it was lovely. 68 00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:05,460 -This is Maggie. -Hi, Maggie! 69 00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:08,621 -You live with your parents? -Yeah. 70 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:13,581 If you two get up to anything tonight can you keep the noise down? 71 00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:16,821 -We need to get up early tomorrow. -We're not gonna get up to anything. 72 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:20,980 Michael thinks you are, he assumed that's why you were coming back here. 73 00:05:21,061 --> 00:05:24,381 You don't want people saying you're a prick tease, love. 74 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:28,741 Girl like you, you're no spring chicken, you must be sexually active. 75 00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:31,420 You look like you know your way around. 76 00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:34,581 Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something? 77 00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:38,821 -Are you on contraception? -Yeah. 78 00:05:39,621 --> 00:05:42,381 -What kind? -Just the pill. 79 00:05:43,261 --> 00:05:48,300 Not the pill, danger of thrombosis. I always use a cap, don't I, dear? 80 00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:53,100 She does use a cap but sometimes I pop a Johnny on as well just to be safe. 81 00:05:53,181 --> 00:05:58,261 We've got two sons, that's enough, now we want fun without responsibility. 82 00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:06,821 Doesn't have to be penetrative sex. Plenty of other things to do. 83 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:11,980 -Sometimes we do everything but... -An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. 84 00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:14,900 Indeed, indeed! 85 00:06:36,941 --> 00:06:39,780 Do you play at all? We should definitely have a game. 86 00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:42,581 I used to play all the time at school, I haven't played for a while. 87 00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:46,340 I've got a court in my back garden. I will knock you all over the place. 88 00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:50,100 -Thank you. I'm gonna show you this. -Is that your wages? 89 00:06:50,181 --> 00:06:53,821 No, this I got two of these. I got one in Japan, one in New York. 90 00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:56,061 I'll set it up. 91 00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:59,621 -Hello, it's me! -Hi, yeah, what can I do for you? 92 00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,900 Nothing, I'm just phoning for a chat. 93 00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:06,460 I've gotta tell you about this date that I've just been on. 94 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:09,860 -Do you have to tell me right now? -What, are you busy? 95 00:07:09,941 --> 00:07:13,100 Yeah, I'm right in the middle of something at the moment. 96 00:07:13,181 --> 00:07:17,300 -Alright, well I'll call you later then? -Don't know when I'll be finished. 97 00:07:17,780 --> 00:07:21,860 Sort of really snowed under. I've got to go, I'll speak to you soon. 98 00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:29,340 That's my toy, but this is his toy. I had to buy this separately. 99 00:07:29,420 --> 00:07:32,061 I love the fact that your toys have got toys. 100 00:07:38,941 --> 00:07:42,340 Ok, so, how are you getting on with the De Niro thing? 101 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,900 -What's that? -For f... I told you! 102 00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:47,701 Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film, 103 00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:50,220 you said you'd make a few phone calls. 104 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,980 I tried, but it's tricky, cause all his people are in Los Angeles. 105 00:07:54,061 --> 00:07:56,100 So, you've got a phone. 106 00:07:56,181 --> 00:07:59,300 But it took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead. 107 00:07:59,381 --> 00:08:02,941 -They're behind. -Are they? That explains quite a lot. 108 00:08:03,021 --> 00:08:07,181 -What time would it be over there now? -Four o'clock here, so eight hours... 109 00:08:07,261 --> 00:08:09,860 -Five, six, seven... -No you're going up. 110 00:08:09,941 --> 00:08:12,741 -Five, six, seven... -You're still going up. 111 00:08:12,821 --> 00:08:15,621 It's four 'o' clock here, so 8 hours... Eight o'clock. 112 00:08:15,701 --> 00:08:18,181 -That's four hours ahead. -In the morning! 113 00:08:18,501 --> 00:08:22,220 -Supposing they get in at nine... -Ten. Have a cup of coffee... 114 00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:25,061 -Right, add eight... -To what? 115 00:08:25,141 --> 00:08:27,181 -Ten! -Eighteen? 116 00:08:27,261 --> 00:08:30,340 -What do you mean eighteen? -No, add eight hours, you mean. 117 00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:33,221 -So call them at six 'o' clock. -Right. Their time? 118 00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,900 -Our time! -Yeah. What time will it be over there? 119 00:08:35,981 --> 00:08:37,741 -Ten. -At night? 120 00:08:37,820 --> 00:08:41,820 In the morning! Forget it! If I can get a hold of Robert De Niro before you, 121 00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:45,341 you're fired. I've out grown you, I don't know what you're for. 122 00:08:45,420 --> 00:08:48,981 Have another go but if I beat you to him you're fired. 123 00:08:59,261 --> 00:09:02,101 -Hey, hello. -What you doing here? 124 00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:06,101 -Some more extra work obviously. -That's where it's tight, there. 125 00:09:06,180 --> 00:09:09,621 Listen Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on. 126 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:13,621 This guy... To look at him you would think that he was Mr Perfect. 127 00:09:13,981 --> 00:09:18,420 -What did you say, "your dad" what? -No, a date, I said, I went on a date. 128 00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:24,660 Is this a really bad time 'cause I can easily come back and catch you... 129 00:09:24,741 --> 00:09:27,300 That's better. Whatever you did... 130 00:09:27,381 --> 00:09:30,461 We should hook up 'cause I've hardly seen you, well not in the flesh. 131 00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:34,981 I've seen a photograph of you here with your new best friend. 132 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:40,221 "Wossy takes fwiend for a wide". 133 00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:44,141 That's at his house in Swanage. That was a brilliant day. 134 00:09:44,621 --> 00:09:48,180 Well we should go and get a cup of tea or something, sometime. 135 00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:51,341 No, get a runner to get it. 136 00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:56,060 We should get a cup of tea together. 137 00:09:56,660 --> 00:10:00,101 If you do wanna hook up and do me a favour at the same time, 138 00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:03,501 I've gotta go and see this sick kid in hospital Monday and I'm dreading it. 139 00:10:03,580 --> 00:10:06,660 I don't know what to say. If you're there, I'll have someone to talk to. 140 00:10:06,741 --> 00:10:10,780 -You should be asking some hot date. -No, it'll be awful, no you're great. 141 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:13,900 Buy myself a new dress then. Nothing... 142 00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:17,981 I'll leave you to it then. 143 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:22,021 Look at his face. Why's he on a bike when he's got about five cars? 144 00:10:56,060 --> 00:10:58,221 Oh, you bastard! 145 00:11:04,461 --> 00:11:06,660 -Cut, cut! -Sorry! 146 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,820 -The bucket fell off the thing. -Yes, I'm sure it did. 147 00:11:17,420 --> 00:11:19,900 Can you just tuck that in? 148 00:11:20,820 --> 00:11:23,461 -Look who's here. -Hi! 149 00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:27,621 -Do the catchphrase? -Let him sit down. Sit down. 150 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,461 Now do the catchphrase. 151 00:11:34,180 --> 00:11:37,141 "Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?" 152 00:11:37,221 --> 00:11:41,540 -Oh it's good that, it's very clever. -This is my friend Maggie. 153 00:11:48,021 --> 00:11:51,660 -What you been doing? -Just lying here. 154 00:11:53,021 --> 00:11:55,060 Yeah... 155 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:06,221 -Comfy? -It's pretty comfy, yeah. 156 00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:11,141 And I'm on morphine so I can't really feel anything. 157 00:12:13,501 --> 00:12:16,461 Rather that than terrible pain. 158 00:12:22,621 --> 00:12:26,101 -Are you his girlfriend? -No, just a friend. 159 00:12:26,540 --> 00:12:29,341 Why'd you have a friend who's a girl? Boring. 160 00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:33,540 They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid that amuses me. 161 00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:36,420 -I'm not stupid. -She's very dim. 162 00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:40,621 That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair. 163 00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:43,501 -Could you keep a goldfish in that? -See? 164 00:12:44,501 --> 00:12:47,540 -Andy, can I have a word? -Yeah, sure. 165 00:12:48,221 --> 00:12:51,381 Don't touch anything, they're not toys. 166 00:12:53,621 --> 00:12:55,861 -Are you a Chelsea fan? -Yeah. 167 00:12:55,940 --> 00:13:00,261 Can I just ask... It's a very sensitive issue, 168 00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:05,221 but if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away... 169 00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:08,300 -Who's Joe? -Joe, my son. 170 00:13:08,381 --> 00:13:10,700 Sorry. Yeah, I knew. 171 00:13:11,060 --> 00:13:14,501 If he did pass away would you say a few words at his funeral? 172 00:13:19,621 --> 00:13:23,180 -I don't even wanna think about that. -We have to think about it now. 173 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:27,461 It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate, 174 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:31,261 knowing how much you mean to Joe and how much he means to you. 175 00:13:31,341 --> 00:13:35,621 So if you could tell me yes you'd be happy to say a few words... 176 00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:43,101 -I think he's gonna live a long time. -He may not. 177 00:13:43,861 --> 00:13:45,700 -He will. -He may not. 178 00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:49,981 It's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead. 179 00:13:50,940 --> 00:13:53,461 We may even lose him in the next six months. 180 00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:56,741 Six months is a long time with my schedule. Things change... 181 00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:59,461 Can I just say that you've promised you'll be there 182 00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:02,981 unless it's something like literally impossible for you to get out of? 183 00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:05,261 -Like filming or... -Not filming. 184 00:14:05,341 --> 00:14:09,621 That's not important enough? What would be a good excuse for this? 185 00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:15,341 I don't wanna call you and ask you what would be a good excuse, 186 00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:18,300 only to hear you say that that excuse won't fly. 187 00:14:18,381 --> 00:14:22,381 -What we talking? What sort of... -Can we just talk about it later? 188 00:14:27,180 --> 00:14:32,501 Where is he? There he is ! There is the boy! 189 00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:37,341 Look at his face. Dumbstruck. I understand, it's ok. 190 00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:41,021 -You were expecting one-hit-wonder. -You alright? 191 00:14:41,501 --> 00:14:44,300 And what d'you get? Bloody British legend. 192 00:14:44,981 --> 00:14:47,221 I know you know me from "My Family", 193 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:50,221 the biggest and most popular sitcom in England. 194 00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:53,981 But did you know I'm a serious actor? I can sing and dance. 195 00:15:30,021 --> 00:15:33,300 Sorry. It's the morphine. I'm tired. 196 00:15:33,981 --> 00:15:36,501 I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest. 197 00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:39,660 -Rude. -Well, I'm not really into musicals. 198 00:15:39,741 --> 00:15:43,820 -So, what are you into? -Comedies with catchphrases. 199 00:15:44,461 --> 00:15:47,300 "Freedom for Tooting!" "Power to the people!" 200 00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:49,820 What's that? 201 00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,820 Your kid does not know comedy, sort it out now! 202 00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:56,981 "Citizen Smith", biggest sitcom of the 70s. Come on! 203 00:15:57,060 --> 00:15:59,261 I wasn't born til 1993. 204 00:15:59,341 --> 00:16:03,580 I wasn't born until 1949 but I know who Queen Victoria is, for God's sake! 205 00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:10,780 You'll love this. This anecdote has people on the floor at any function. 206 00:16:10,861 --> 00:16:13,381 And if you think that's because they're drunk, think again! 207 00:16:13,461 --> 00:16:16,341 Richard E Grant loves this story and he doesn't even drink. 208 00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:19,940 I'm on the set of "GBH", in my trailer. Knock on the door, guess who it is. 209 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,060 Go on, guess! Alan Bleasdale. 210 00:16:22,741 --> 00:16:25,580 -I don't know who that is. -Oh fuck off! 211 00:16:28,381 --> 00:16:30,861 Kid's a waste of space. 212 00:16:35,021 --> 00:16:37,820 That was a nice surprise wasn't it? 213 00:16:39,461 --> 00:16:42,420 -Well, that was interesting. -Yeah. 214 00:16:42,861 --> 00:16:45,381 -Do you wanna go for a quick pint? -I can't tonight. 215 00:16:45,461 --> 00:16:48,580 -Why? What you doing? -Going to Thy Ivy restaurant. 216 00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:52,060 Vernon Kaye and Tess Daly, they have invited me out for a meal. 217 00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,540 -Why? -Just wanna hang out with me. 218 00:16:54,621 --> 00:16:57,580 -Is there room for one more? -No, I think the four's made up. 219 00:16:57,660 --> 00:17:00,420 -Who's the fourth? -Jamie Theakston, nutter! 220 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,780 But I promised I'd visit the kid again next week. 221 00:17:03,861 --> 00:17:06,860 -You wanna come along again? -Alright, okay. 222 00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:11,340 What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers? He's mental enough sober! 223 00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:30,661 -Yes? -Oh! You alright? 224 00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:34,181 -Is he in? -Yes. 225 00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:43,701 I haven't got long, just wanna find out what's going on with this De Niro thing. 226 00:17:44,661 --> 00:17:49,221 Did we have a meeting or... I don't remember planning anything. 227 00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:57,261 -Were you masturbating? -Was I what? 228 00:17:57,340 --> 00:18:00,580 Were you masturbating when I came in? 229 00:18:03,661 --> 00:18:05,941 Sort of, yeah. 230 00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:12,820 -Don't tell anyone though. -No. Why didn't you lock the door? 231 00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:16,021 Well, I should have locked the door, but I didn't think ahead. 232 00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:19,300 The moment took me and... I just went, you know, crazy. 233 00:18:19,901 --> 00:18:23,580 It wasn't anything weird. No, but just so you know it was... 234 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:26,701 It was the lady on this pen. 235 00:18:27,221 --> 00:18:30,661 It just looks like a regular lady, wearing a bathing costume, 236 00:18:30,741 --> 00:18:34,380 but when you turn it up the other way it comes off and then she's nude. 237 00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:37,060 -Have you got my pen? -Yes. Take your pen please... 238 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:39,941 -Were you having a wank? -Was trying to have a quick one... 239 00:18:40,021 --> 00:18:43,501 -But it's Piccadilly Circus in here. -I didn't know, I just walked in... 240 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:47,340 It's your fault, for leaving your erotic material lying around. 241 00:18:47,421 --> 00:18:49,860 Well, why didn't you have one before you come out? 242 00:18:49,941 --> 00:18:53,140 I did, Barry, thanks for asking, but I'm a very sexual being 243 00:18:53,221 --> 00:18:55,780 and I produce an ungodly amount of... 244 00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:58,540 Thank you! 245 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,580 -This is what I'm talking about. -We haven't talked about this. 246 00:19:02,661 --> 00:19:06,181 I didn't think I had to make a list of things that you shouldn't do at work. 247 00:19:06,261 --> 00:19:09,261 -Tossing off over a pen... -No. 248 00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:14,300 You really think you're earning your 12,5 % by doing that under the table? 249 00:19:14,380 --> 00:19:18,461 -No. -Nor do I. So why am I paying you? 250 00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:25,540 This is pathetic really. I gave you a chance to sort something out. 251 00:19:25,620 --> 00:19:28,860 and you'd rather be doing that so let's call it quits. 252 00:19:28,941 --> 00:19:32,820 Look at that. God Almighty! 253 00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:37,701 As far as I'm concerned, you're fired. That's it. 254 00:19:37,780 --> 00:19:41,501 If you fire me you won't know anything about the De Niro meeting. 255 00:19:43,060 --> 00:19:45,780 -You got a meeting with De Niro? -Yeah, next week. 256 00:19:45,860 --> 00:19:48,300 -What you doing next Monday? -What time? 257 00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:50,300 -Six o'clock.. -Where? 258 00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:52,780 At his hotel, Dorchester. 259 00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:56,661 Next Monday at six, at the Dorchester, I'm meeting Robert De Niro. 260 00:19:56,741 --> 00:19:59,060 If he doesn't turn up you're fired then. 261 00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:02,181 - But it's not my fault. - You've aranged it. Win/win for me. 262 00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:04,701 Either I turn up and he's there, I meet De Niro, 263 00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:08,461 or I turn up and he's not there and you're fired and I get a proper agent. 264 00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:14,140 Ah for fuck's sake! 265 00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:27,501 -Hello! -Hi! You alright? 266 00:20:27,580 --> 00:20:31,060 Hi, yeah, I'm on my way to the hospital. I'm taking "Operation". 267 00:20:31,140 --> 00:20:34,741 -I thought it seemed appropriate. -Look, I'm not gonna make it later. 268 00:20:35,181 --> 00:20:38,780 -Ah, what do you mean? -I've got a really important meeting. 269 00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:42,701 What, at that exact time? And no other time was available? 270 00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:45,701 -No, he couldn't do any other time. -Who? 271 00:20:45,780 --> 00:20:48,701 -Robert De Niro. -He couldn't do any other time? 272 00:20:49,060 --> 00:20:52,340 Sorry, did you hear what I said? Robert De Niro wants a meeting. 273 00:20:52,421 --> 00:20:55,661 -It's the only time that I ever see you. -I'll move it, shall I? 274 00:20:55,741 --> 00:20:58,421 Sorry Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me 275 00:20:58,501 --> 00:21:01,340 and you've been my hero all my life but I meet up with Maggie 276 00:21:01,421 --> 00:21:04,300 at a very specific time every week. It can't be moved. 277 00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:08,021 Alright, I'm not having a go, I'm just disappointed that's all. 278 00:21:08,780 --> 00:21:12,941 I can't move it, it's really important sorry, I'll see you next week. 279 00:21:13,461 --> 00:21:15,181 Okay. Bye! 280 00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,741 -Knock, knock! -Hello! 281 00:21:41,820 --> 00:21:44,540 -Hello. How are you? -Good. 282 00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:48,501 Bit of bad news I'm afraid. Andy can't make it. 283 00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:52,540 He's got a really important meeting, so you're stuck with me. 284 00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:56,340 But I've brought you this. Look! Alright? 285 00:21:56,820 --> 00:21:59,300 -Yeah, alright. -Even though I'm a girl? 286 00:21:59,380 --> 00:22:02,661 -No, it's ok. -Come on then, you set it up. 287 00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:29,340 You're so rubbish. I hope the surgeon working on me's better than you. 288 00:22:29,421 --> 00:22:32,540 Well this is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here. 289 00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:35,501 From what I've overheard your tumour is massive. 290 00:22:36,941 --> 00:22:39,941 So it'll be easy to get it out... 291 00:22:54,620 --> 00:22:58,421 I'm sure he'll be here in a second. It's very unusual for him to be late. 292 00:23:11,901 --> 00:23:15,620 Have you ever driven a taxi for real? 293 00:23:21,181 --> 00:23:23,261 No. 294 00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:32,580 -I used to have that. -What are you doing here? 295 00:23:32,981 --> 00:23:36,300 -Has the meeting happened already? -I didn't go, I came here instead. 296 00:23:36,380 --> 00:23:39,620 -Why? -Don't wanna let people down. 297 00:23:39,701 --> 00:23:42,941 -That's madness. It's Robert De Niro. -I know, but... 298 00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:46,300 No, but that's madness, because it's Robert De Niro. 299 00:23:46,380 --> 00:23:48,941 This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. 300 00:23:49,380 --> 00:23:53,741 Don't you turn it round on me, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. 301 00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:56,140 Don't make me feel guilty. 302 00:23:56,221 --> 00:23:59,901 That was supposed to be nice; it was supposed to be encouraging. 303 00:24:00,380 --> 00:24:03,461 Look if you go now... Get a taxi! It might not be too late. 304 00:24:03,540 --> 00:24:06,100 -It's Robert De Niro. -I know who it is. 305 00:24:06,181 --> 00:24:10,021 I'm gonna feel guilty for the rest of my life now, that's fine you know. 306 00:24:10,100 --> 00:24:13,860 -And if your career was down the pan? -It is already down the pan. 307 00:24:13,941 --> 00:24:18,140 Now it's my turn to operate. He's dead. 308 00:24:31,701 --> 00:24:34,540 You're a man of the world, you'll like this. 309 00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:39,701 It's just an ordinary pen, so it seems, and with a picture of a lady on it. 310 00:24:40,421 --> 00:24:44,701 Turn it upside down, oh what's happened there? Nudy lady! 311 00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:48,140 You looking at me? I am now. 312 00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:54,181 -It's good, isn't it? -Yeah. Where'd you get this? 313 00:24:54,261 --> 00:24:58,741 My friend Barry gave it to me. Look at that, back on, nothing suspicious. 314 00:24:58,820 --> 00:25:01,981 Turn it up the other way, oh hang on, hello! 315 00:25:02,701 --> 00:25:05,860 -Can I have this? -Do you want it? Take it! 316 00:25:08,901 --> 00:25:10,901 Do you wanna go for a pint? 317 00:25:11,820 --> 00:25:14,021 -Hurry up! -You're in a bad mood. 318 00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:16,901 I'm not, but hurry up! Dead. 319 00:25:17,901 --> 00:25:20,060 -Dead! -Stop putting me off. 320 00:25:20,140 --> 00:25:22,701 If you were hacking at him like that he'd be dead. 321 00:25:23,181 --> 00:25:26,461 -Oh. Oh, it's Darren. What? -Mate, what happened to you? 322 00:25:26,540 --> 00:25:30,060 -I'm still here with Mr De Niro. -You're with him now? 323 00:25:30,380 --> 00:25:33,981 Yeah. We're just cruising down to a club, come down mate. 324 00:25:34,060 --> 00:25:37,221 -Can I bring Maggie? -Can he bring his friend? 325 00:25:37,300 --> 00:25:39,340 -Who's that? -Friend of his, lady. 326 00:25:39,421 --> 00:25:41,860 -The lady on the pen? -I wish! 327 00:25:42,221 --> 00:25:45,261 -Yeah, sure. -All systems go, mate! 328 00:25:45,340 --> 00:25:48,340 -What you doing after this? -Me? Nothing. 329 00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:52,701 -Do you want to meet Robert De Niro? -Nah. I'm only joking, yeah. 330 00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:55,060 Ok, alright then. 331 00:25:55,140 --> 00:25:58,501 We'll find somewhere, I'll text you the deeds. See you later, mate. 332 00:26:01,820 --> 00:26:04,701 -Really? -Amazing! Let's go! 333 00:26:05,140 --> 00:26:07,540 -What about the game? -We can't just leave him. 334 00:26:07,620 --> 00:26:10,901 Just give him an extra couple of drops of morphine, he'll be out cold. 335 00:26:10,981 --> 00:26:13,981 -No, I'm joking. Right, who's go is it? -You have a go. 336 00:26:20,701 --> 00:26:23,620 What would you rather do... No, listen! 337 00:26:23,701 --> 00:26:28,741 Would you rather die a sad, lonely, bitter old man in a cold flat, 338 00:26:29,181 --> 00:26:33,661 or, if we're not with anyone in about five years time, just move in together? 339 00:26:35,021 --> 00:26:38,860 You've tried to make the first option sound the worst. 340 00:26:38,941 --> 00:26:40,901 Why is it a cold flat? 341 00:26:40,981 --> 00:26:44,100 Because you're too fat to get up and put the heating on. 342 00:26:44,181 --> 00:26:47,661 -I've got five years to decide? -Why will it take you so long? 343 00:26:47,741 --> 00:26:50,820 I wanna keep my options open. I don't wanna commit... 344 00:26:52,901 --> 00:26:55,421 -Hi! -He doesn't want to see you, Robert. 345 00:26:55,501 --> 00:26:58,300 Yes he does, because I've brought DVDs of "My Family." 346 00:26:58,380 --> 00:27:00,941 -Come on, everyone likes these. -No, I don't. 347 00:27:01,021 --> 00:27:04,221 -I prefer that edgier stuff on BBC2. -What are you, a critic? 348 00:27:11,021 --> 00:27:13,941 EXTRAS 349 00:27:14,780 --> 00:27:17,380 End of episode 12