[ Radio tuning ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish that sun would just explode ♪
♪ When that Holy Spirit comes back at my doorstep ♪
♪ Yes, I'll leave you all in ditches before I go ♪
-My turn. -Hell no.
Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on!
Do not touch the trim!
Hello, and welcome to Ball Mart!
Hello. Welcome to Ball Mart!
Hello, and welcome to Ball Mart!
Hello. Welcome to Ball Mart!
Oh, hello, and thank you for welcoming me to Ball Mart.
Who wouldn't welcome you?
Why, you're a vision in lavender.
It's a full-body port-wine stain,
but thank you for noticing.
Hold on, now! You ain't the official greeter.
I am! Hello, and welcome to Ball Mart!
Hello, and welcome to Ball Mart!
You ain't got to greet me, Leroy.
I've done been gret by this nice man.
Old man, how many times I told you to stop greetin' in here?
But you hired me as the official --
Not you, Leroy, this 'un.
Well, is saying "hello" to a beautiful thing like this
suddenly a crime?
She is on the DNG list.
Do not greet!She don't buy nothin'.
She only comes around to get gret 'cause she's lonely.
She ain't got no one.
Oh, so she's single, then?
'Cause she sure is easy on the eyes.
Ohh! [ Laughs ]
Leroy, you ain't never laid it on this thick!
Leave! You make a mockery of my greetings!
Well, there's a fine "how do you do."
It is fine!
And I've been professionally trained to deliver it!
Let's go.
Say, would you care to join me in my recreational vehicle?
I pour a mean chocolate-flavored nutritional supplement
for the calcium-deficient.
I don't have any bones or teeth,
but I'll drink anything a stranger gives me.
[ Slow music playing, glasses clink ]
Mm. What a nutty finish.
My goodness, that does make a difference.
Ooh, I love it!
I'm goin'!
I feel the burn!
These calcium shakes must be working.
I think I feel a bone here!
Ooh! I think I feel a bone here, too.
[ Both chuckle ]
Yes, that's my knee.
Here, wear the new glasses, hon.
Yeah. All right.
Where is it? Right over here?
Yeah, let's do this.Honey, wait, wait!
There's something I want to do.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, Galvin, I'd love to, but what would Early do?
Wh-Wh-Who's Early?
Well, he's my son, silly.
Well, you said your family died
after a plane crash in the Andes mountains
and they had to eat each other and no one survived
and they made a movie about it but not to rent the movie
because they changed all the names
so they wouldn't have to pay you for the rights to the story
and that's why you're poor.
Well, I may have told a little fib.
Usually trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
But I suppose I'm willing to overlook this massive red flag.
I love you, Ruby Jean, and if your boy is anything like you,
I'm sure I'll -- well, I'll love him, too.
Where the hell have you been?!
Now get your purple ass in there
and open me a can of peaches with a light syrup,
right sombitchin' now!
[ Choking ] Early, this is my new friend Galvin.
Well, Early, it's nice -- Whoa!
You're under arrest for kidnapping.Whoa, hey!
Spread 'em!
No! He didn't kidnap me!
We're engaged!
-Engaged? -That's right.
Your mother and I intend to be married.
Wait. So he didn'tkidnap you?
Only my heart.
You kidnapped her heart? You son of a bitch!
That's not a crime! That's a poetic sentiment!
Oh. [ Chuckles ] Right, sorry.
Well, hey, congratulations.
You're gettin' a good 'un.
So you think you're just gonna waltz right in here
and take my housekeeper, my chef, my whipping post,
my crying shoulder, my punching bag,
and my damn stress ball?!
Ooh, you making me madder than hell.
-Come here, stress ball! -Please don't squee--
This conversation is stressing me out.
Oh, this gives me diarrhea!
You let her go!
I will let her go.
But if you want full custody of my stress ball,
I need to be recompensed.
And it ain't gonna be ch--There you go.
Damn. How much is this?
Just say yes, Daddy. They love each other.
Well, then. Consider the deal done.
And don't come back crying to me when it don't work out for ya!
Come on, Ruby Jean.
Where in the hell you think you're going?
I need you to stay here
and open this can of peaches in light syrup right now!
You really should buy the pull top.
If I wanted your damn opinion,
I'd squeeze it out of your asshole.
Now get on! Get!
Well, it was nice to have met you.
Watch out, Galvin. She'll abandon you, too!
Just like she abandoned me.
You think I'm gonna be sad
'cause you ain't around for me to yell at and squeeze
and open my damn can of peaches?
You wrong!
Sure was -- ow -- nice of Galvin to -- ow --
give us some money.
Aw, broke a damn tooth. How's she do this?
Gimme that! Goddamn jaw-proof caps!
She and Galvin's tryin' to starve us out!
Maybe you ought to just buy a real can opener
with that money Galvin gave you?
God damn it, he low-balled me!
I-I've been played!
Daddy, you ain't got to tear up the check!
Hell, I'm stressed out!
I ain't making good decisions!
Get over here!Daddy, no, don't squeeze me!
This ain't relieving my stress! Not like she does!
It gives me diarrhea!
I spent a lifetime breaking her into my grip,
and now she's gone!
Mommy!
[ Crying ]
♪♪
-Morning, Early. -Galvin!
Say, what have you got there?
Oh, uh, this here, uh -- Well, uh, yeah.
This here is my morning smoothie.
Oh, you drink smoothies by the gallon?
Oh, blue.
Oh, that's interesting.
I-I-It's blueberry. That's why it's blue.
Smells a little like brake fluid,
but don't let me stop you.
Go ahead and suck down your smoothie.
Yeah, I ain't thirsty for blueberry smoothie right now.
Why'd you bring it, then?
Don't have a lie for that one, do you?
Here's what I think.
I think you were coming here to pour brake fluid
into my coffee maker.
You're trying to kill me so that your mom and I
can't leave town today.
That sound about right?
No.
I come down here to congratulate you
and toast you with my smoothie,
even though I know it ain't gonna work out
between you and my momma!
That's not a smoothie, son.
It is a smoothie, and to prove as such,
I'm gon' drink it right goddamn now!
[ Siren wails, radio chatter ]
Oh, my little angel!
He's just a helpless baby bird with a broken wing!
Mo-- Momma!
Okay, he'll be fine.
-Let's hit the road! -Watch your step, dear.
Wait! Don't let them go!
Don't go! Please don't go!
Wait! Wait!
Aww. He sure loves his momma, don't he?
Ow! I want my momma!
A little too much, I'd say.
I've seen them French kiss with tongues
two separate occasions.
[ Grunts ] Mommy!
When I walk in the room, they stop.
They knew it was wrong,
but she was giggling, grabbing his butt.
Aww, Denny! They're just an affectionate family.
Then why'd they beg me not to tell no one?
You know a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.
Well, a gentleman don't kiss his momma behind the Dumpster!
Look, the heart wants what the heart --
Don't say, "The heart wants what the heart wants"!
A heart ain't supposed to want that!
Looks like there's a Ball Mart in Murphy, North Carolina.
Wanna head up there and greet folks until they kick us out?
That sounds perfect, Galvin.
I'm ready to say, "Hello, and welcome to...
my new life!"
[ Horn honks ]
Pull over! Roll it down!
What do you want, Early?
You shut the hell up! I ain't talking to you.
I'm talking to that purple-ass whore!
Does this make you happy, Granny?
Is this who you wanna be with?
Absolutely. It's good.
There's nurturing support, love.
Food. Resources.
Plus nobody hits anybody.
It's pretty solid.
Well, if that's what's important to you,
then I guess we is done!
But you best take one last look at my ride!
[ Engine revving ]
'Cause you see how much longer my vehicle is than his?
Ha-ha! This is what you walking away from!
Okay. I'm comfortable with that.
Goodbye, Early.Goodbye to your dumb ass!
I don't need you! I don't need no-damn-body!
Wait, hold up, I do need you!
My brakes is out!
I knew I shouldn't have drained my damn brake fluid
to poison you!
-Help me! Help! -Ohh, hell.
Help me! Help!
Just keep it close.
Be careful, Ruby!
Where you going, woman? You're gonna get hurt.
♪♪
These brakes ain't working, neither!
I know! I drained the brake fluid from that truck
for a completely different poisoning plot!
Can I top you off?
No, that's brake fluid.
So, we are working on MLK day?
Yes, that's correct.God damn it!
I tried, y'all!
All right, Early, buckle your seatbelt!
Be careful, Ruby!
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Splat ]
I'm saved!
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
Ruby!
Momma! No!
[ Monitor beeping ]
Knock, knock.
Oh, thanks for showing up.
I'm going down to get a cup of coffee.
Without brake fluid in it.
When the hell you gonna let that go?
I'm the damn one that got poisoned!
[ Moaning ]
Yes, Momma, it's me.
You just take it easy now. Take it easy.
Galvin.
I get that you like Galvin and that Galvin likes you.
But Galvin don't need you like I need you.
God damn it, I need you, woman.
I-I-I said it now. Don't make me say it again.
I ain't gon' say it again. Hell naw.
Oh, Early.
Mommy!
There we go!
I can feel the stress a-meltin' away.
Don't squeeze her like that!
Ohh, what can I say, Galvin?
My baby boy needs me!
How'd you like it if I squeezed you like that?
He likes it. It feels good.
-Watch this. -Yep!
Nothing like the loving touch of family around your neck.
Come on in here, Galvin.
Yeah, group hug me, Galvin!
Yeah, it feels good!
And here comes the group diarrhea!
I'm gonna wait out in the RV.
♪♪
Granny: Made...in Georgia.