1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:04,338
YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY
WHO DOES NOTHING
BUT BAD THINGS...

2
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:07,175
AND THEN WONDERS WHY
HIS LIFE SUCKS?

3
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:11,145
WELL, THAT WAS ME.
EVERY TIME SOMETHIN' GOOD
HAPPENED TO ME,

4
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,281
SOMETHIN' BAD
WAS ALWAYS WAITIN'
AROUND THE CORNER.

5
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,118
KARMA.

6
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,220
THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
I HAD TO CHANGE.

7
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,424
SO I MADE A LIST
OF EVERYTHING BAD
I'VE EVER DONE,

8
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:26,394
AND, ONE BY ONE,
I'M GONNA MAKE UP
FOR ALL MY MISTAKES.

9
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,362
I'M JUST TRYIN'
TO BE A BETTER PERSON.

10
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,764
MY NAME IS EARL.

11
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,468
THE TOUGH THING
ABOUT HAVING A LIST...

12
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,138
OF OVER 200 THINGS
YOU'VE DONE WRONG TO PEOPLE...

13
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:40,374
IS CHOOSING WHICH ONE
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE UP FOR NEXT.

14
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,576
SHOULD I DO NUMBER 73--

15
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,379
ALWAYS TOOK A PENNY,
NEVER LEFT A PENNY?

16
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,788
COUNT THAT UP AND SEE IF I'VE
GOT ANY CHANGE COMING BACK.

17
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,826
[ Earl Narrating ]
OR SHOULD IT BE NUMBER 86--

18
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,395
STOLE A CAR
FROM A ONE-LEGGED GIRL?

19
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,499
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!

20
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,435
[ Ricochet ]

21
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,375
[ Earl Narrating ]
OR SHOULD I TACKLE ONE OF
THE MANY THINGS ON THE LIST...

22
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,177
THAT INVOLVE MY EX-WIFE, JOY?

23
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:22,683
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
SON OF A BITCH WON THE LOTTERY
RIGHT AFTER I DIVORCED HIM.

24
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,685
HALF THAT MONEY
SHOULD BE MINE.

25
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,720
LOOK AT MY BICEP
WHEN I DO THIS.

26
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,190
SEE HOW IT POP OUT
RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDE?

27
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,259
THAT'S NEW.

28
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,161
I'M GONNA GET ME THAT MONEY.

29
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,735
- WHAT'S THIS?
- I GOT YOU SOMETHING
TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR LIST.

30
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,672
IT'S A QUIT SMOKING TAPE.
REMEMBER NUMBER 102--

31
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,441
HARMED AND POSSIBLY KILLED
PEOPLE WITH SECOND-HAND SMOKE.

32
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,879
OH, YEAH. WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
IT'S GOT JELLY ON IT.

33
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:55,216
I SHOWED CATALINA WHERE
THE GOOD YARD SALES ARE.

34
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:58,219
I GOT A FOOT MASSAGER
FOR TWO DOLLARS.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A NEW MOTOR.

35
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,823
[ Earl Narrating ]
EVER SINCE THE FIRST TIME
CATALINA CLEANED OUR ROOM,

36
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:06,427
RANDY'S BEEN MAKING ANY EXCUSE
TO SPEND TIME WITH HER.

37
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:10,198
HEY, HOW MUCH FOR THIS TAPE
THAT HELPS YOU QUIT SMOKING?

38
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,933
[ Synthesized Voice ]
FORTY CENTS.

39
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,837
- HOW ABOUT 25?
- THIRTY-FIVE.

40
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,173
- THIRTY?
- THIRTY-TWO.

41
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:23,311
DEAL. HEY, SAY
"LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER."

42
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,813
LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER.

43
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,249
[ Randy ]
SO, YOU GONNA QUIT?

44
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:31,952
YEAH, YEAH, I AM. I JUST
WANNA FINISH THIS PACK FIRST.
I DON'T WANNA BE WASTEFUL.

45
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,588
NUMBER 49 ON MY LIST--
I'VE BEEN WASTEFUL.

46
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:36,857
SO WHAT'S NEXT
ON YOUR LIST?

47
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:40,461
I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T
FIGURED THAT OUT YET.
CAN I PICK ONE?

48
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,930
YEAH. WHY NOT?
I GOTTA DO 'EM ALL ANYWAY.

49
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:45,299
HOW ABOUT--
[ Vocalizing ] 112--

50
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,901
"LET DONNY JONES SERVE JAIL
TIME FOR A CRIME I COMMITTED?"

51
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,904
OH, MAN.
DONNY JONES.

52
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,278
[ Earl Narrating ]
A FEW YEARS AGO,
I ROBBED A DOUGHNUT SHOP.

53
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,780
TO BE HONEST,
I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OUT,

54
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,483
BECAUSE I HAD A PRETTY BAD COLD,
AND I COULD'VE SPREAD IT AROUND.

55
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:07,255
[ Sneezes ]
UH-OH.

56
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,923
FORTUNATELY FOR ME, THE SECURITY
CAMERA COULDN'T SEE MY FACE,

57
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:13,861
AND I HAD STOLEN THIS SHIRT
FROM A FRIEND NAMED DONNY JONES.

58
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,997
UNFORTUNATELY FOR DONNY,
HE HAD A CHECKERED PAST...

59
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,400
AND NO ALIBI
FOR THE NIGHT OF THE ROBBERY.

60
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:23,003
NUMBER FOUR, STEP FORWARD.

61
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,774
[ Earl Narrating ]
AND MOST UNFORTUNATE FOR DONNY,
HE HAD ALSO CAUGHT MY COLD.

62
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:29,277
THAT'S HIM.
NUMBER FOUR.

63
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,978
WHAT?

64
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,950
A JURY FOUND DONNY GUILTY, AND
HE SERVED TWO YEARS IN PRISON.

65
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,555
I'M NOT DOING DONNY JONES.

66
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,956
WHY NOT?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO.

67
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,025
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE HE LIVES.

68
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,995
THEY GOT BIG YELLOW BOOKS
TO FIND THAT STUFF OUT, EARL.

69
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,898
I'LL QUIT SMOKING, ALL RIGHT?
I'LL DO THAT ONE.

70
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:54,468
LOOK, I QUIT SMOKING.
YOU'RE SCARED OF DONNY JONES.

71
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:57,505
- I'M NOT SCARED OF DONNY JONES.
- WHY ARE YOU SCARED
OF DONNY JONES?

72
00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,707
I'M NOT SCARED
OF DONNY JONES.

73
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,842
[ Earl Narrating ]
THAT WAS A LIE.

74
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:06,580
THERE AREN'T A LOT OF PEOPLE
ON THIS EARTH THAT
I'M AFRAID OF, BUT DONNY--

75
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,482
WELL--

76
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,489
OH, IT IS ON.

77
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:18,025
[ Earl Narrating ]
DONNY IS CRAZY.

78
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:21,662
[ Grunts ]

79
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:25,466
[ Pounding Continues ]

80
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,668
LOOK, I'D LOVE
TO TAKE CARE OF DONNY,

81
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,371
BUT I CAN ONLY DO
ONE THING AT A TIME.

82
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:33,841
I'M GONNA FOCUS
ON QUITTIN' SMOKING.

83
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,410
[ Earl Narrating ]
I WAS GONNA FOCUS
ON QUITTIN' SMOKING,

84
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,812
BUT IT TURNS OUT
QUITTIN' SMOKING IS STRESSFUL.

85
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,449
AND WHEN I STRESSED OUT,
I SMOKE.
HEY, EARL.

86
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:44,418
HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN'?

87
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,854
- WE FOUND DONNY JONES.
- WHAT? WHY?

88
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,823
IT WAS CATALINA'S IDEA.
SHE SAID YOU NEEDED A PUSH.

89
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:53,961
WHEN SOMEONE'S SCARED,
THEY NEED A FRIEND TO PUSH THEM
TO OVERCOME THAT FEAR.

90
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:57,064
YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE THROWING
SOMEBODY IN THE OCEAN
WHO'S AFRAID TO SWIM...

91
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,433
OR PUTTIN' A SNAKE
IN A YOUNG GIRL'S BED.

92
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:02,703
I DON'T NEED A PUSH.
I'M NOT SCARED, ALL RIGHT?

93
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,905
I'M OCCUPIED.
I'M BUSY QUITTIN' SMOKING.

94
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,741
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

95
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,077
[ Men Chattering, Burping ]

96
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,380
THAT WAS THERE
WHEN I GOT HERE.

97
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:19,620
QUITTIN' IS HARD, RANDY.
I DIDN'T SMOKE FOR A WHOLE HOUR,
AND I STARTED TO SHAKE.

98
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:24,124
MY SYSTEM'S USED TO RUNNIN'
ON MORE TAR.

99
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,059
[ Sighs ]

100
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:33,133
[ Earl Narrating ]
I KNEW CIGARETTES COULD KILL ME,
BUT SO COULD DONNY JONES.

101
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,537
BESIDES, AS FAR AS ME LIVIN'
A LONG LIFE WAS CONCERNED,

102
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,672
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE WORRIED
ABOUT MY EX-WIFE.

103
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,655
OH, SNAP.

104
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:58,559
DARNELL, RUN DOWN
TO THE VIDEO HUT
AND RENT ME A VCR!

105
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,733
[ Woman ]
OH, MY GOD!
AUNT MILLIE'S WALKING!

106
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,770
LOOK! AUNT MILLIE'S WALKING!
IT'S A MIRACLE!

107
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,772
[ Joy On Video ]
NEXT TIME YOU STEAL A CAMERA,

108
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,941
HAVE THE COMMON SENSE
TO STEAL THE DIRECTIONS.

109
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,976
I THINK I GOT IT ON.
OH.

110
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:23,651
[ Joy On Video ]
I LOVE YOU, EARL, AND I LOVE
ALL THIS STUFF YOU STOLE.

111
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,720
[ Earl On Video ]
I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ME
AND LOVE ALL THIS STUFF I STOLE.

112
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,989
I WANT TO DOCUMENT THIS.

113
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:36,830
IF I EVER DIE,
I WANT THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE
TO HAVE EVERYTHING I OWN.

114
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,666
EVERYTHING.

115
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:42,035
OH, BABY, THAT'S SO SWEET.

116
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,508
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT?

117
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:50,578
REWIND IT. I WANNA SEE
THAT OLD LADY WALK AGAIN.

118
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,880
[ Earl Narrating ]
JOY KNEW THAT VIDEO
WAS THE ONLY THING...

119
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,015
CLOSE TO A WILL THAT I HAVE.

120
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,951
NORMALLY SHE'S NOT THAT VIOLENT,
BUT MONEY MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY.

121
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,754
I'LL TAKE THIS.

122
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,856
THERE'S A THREE-DAY
WAITING PERIOD FOR GUNS.

123
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,659
LAND OF THE FREE, MY ASS.

124
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:08,629
FINE. WHAT CAN I
WALK OUTTA HERE WITH TODAY
THAT'LL KILL SOMEBODY?

125
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:12,500
ANYTHING IN AISLE FOUR.
OH, THANK YOU.

126
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,569
[ Earl Narrating ]
RANDY TOOK CATALINA
TO ANOTHER YARD SALE...

127
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,071
TO LOOK FOR A MOTOR
FOR HER FOOT MASSAGER,

128
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,908
SO I HAD SOME TIME
TO FOCUS ON QUITTIN' SMOKING.

129
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,245
[ Man On Tape ]
I AM NOT A SMOKER.

130
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,248
I AM NOT A SMOKER.

131
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,251
SMOKING IS BAD.

132
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,987
SMOKIN' IS BAD.

133
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,124
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

134
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,927
I DON'T WANNA DIE.

135
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:44,732
DAMN IT.

136
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:48,268
- YOU, AND YOU ALONE,
ARE IN CONTROL...
- [ Horn Honks ]

137
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,238
OF YOUR DESTINY.

138
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,206
SHOOT.

139
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,912
HEY, I WAS JUST LISTENING
TO YOUR TAPE. GOOD STUFF.

140
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:02,215
WE GOT SOME KRAZY STRAWS
AT THE YARD SALE.

141
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:05,018
WANNA GO GET
SOME SLUSH PUPPIES?
YEAH, WHY NOT?

142
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:08,055
NICE, SUGARY DRINK MIGHT
GET MY MIND OFF CIGARETTES.

143
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,624
MAN, I HOPE THESE STRAWS
DON'T HAVE THE FLU IN THEM.

144
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:14,862
[ Burps ]
OH, HEY, WHOA.
WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?

145
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,565
I HAVEN'T SMOKED ALL DAY.

146
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,214
WHY ARE WE STOPPIN'?
I THINK WE GOT
A FLAT IN THE BACK.

147
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,584
YEAH, I HEARD IT TOO.

148
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:40,754
DAMN IT. I JUST GOT
THOSE TIRES FIVE YEARS AGO.

149
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,756
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

150
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:45,993
- THAT'S DONNY'S HOUSE.
- WHAT?

151
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,662
IT'S DONNY'S HOUSE.
FACE YOUR FEARS.

152
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,998
[ Horn Honking ]

153
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,104
THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
OPEN THE DOOR, RANDY.

154
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,773
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, EARL.
THIS IS YOUR SNAKE IN THE BED.

155
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,675
I DON'T WANT
A SNAKE IN MY BED.

156
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,811
YOU CAN'T FINISH YOUR LIST
IF YOU'RE SCARED.

157
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,813
WE'RE DOING THIS
BECAUSE YOU'RE OUR FRIEND.

158
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:08,315
- DONNY!
- STOP IT! LET ME IN!

159
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,019
[ Horn Honks ]

160
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:18,125
- [ Horn Honks ]
- RANDY, OPEN THE DOOR.

161
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:22,930
EARL? EARL HICKEY?

162
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,940
DONNY JONES!
HEY, BUDDY.

163
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:36,777
[ Laughs ]
WE SHOULD, UH,
CATCH UP SOMETIME.

164
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,012
YOU KNOW,
WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO--

165
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,682
[ Tires Screeching ]

166
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,786
OR NOW.

167
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,625
[ Earl Narrating ]
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
THE EXPRESSION "CRAZY EYES"?

168
00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:54,194
WELL, DONNY HAD 'EM.
EARL HICKEY.

169
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:57,197
DONNY JONES.
YOU LOOK GOOD.

170
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,900
YOU LOOK GOOD.
LOOK REAL GOOD.

171
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,002
WHAT ARE THOSE,
NEW PANTS?

172
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,705
NO. I HAD 'EM A WHILE.

173
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:08,108
MMM, THEY STILL LOOK NEW.
NICE CREASE.

174
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,778
I SHOULD, UH-- I SHOULD
GET ME A PAIR OF THOSE.

175
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:16,950
HARD TO FIND GOOD PANTS.
[ Chuckles ]

176
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:21,388
SO, YOUR BROTHER AND THAT LITTLE
MEXICAN LADY TOLD ME YOU WANTED
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT SOME LIST.

177
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:25,358
DID THEY NOW?
ALL RIGHT. GOOD.

178
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,661
YEAH, THEY CAN BE
VERY HELPFUL.

179
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:31,164
[ Sighs ]
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S
THE DEAL, DONNY.

180
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:37,204
I'M ON, UH,
KIND OF A MISSION.

181
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:41,308
WOW, THESE ARE LONG...
AND SHARP, HUH?

182
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:44,311
THEY'RE MY MOM'S.
SHE LIKES TO KNIT.

183
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:48,849
GOOD FOR YOU, SWEETHEART.
NICE TO HAVE A HOBBY.

184
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,421
ANYWAY, UH, DONNY,

185
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,891
UM, I'VE RECENTLY
DISCOVERED KARMA,

186
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:01,394
AND I'VE WRITTEN A LIST
OF ALL THE BAD THINGS
I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE,

187
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,897
AND I'M TRYING
TO MAKE UP FOR 'EM.

188
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,266
I THINK I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTIN' AT, EARL.

189
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,738
YOU DO?
YEP.

190
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:14,908
YOU HAD AN AWAKENING.
SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME
IN THE JOINT...

191
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:17,144
WHEN I FOUND JESUS.

192
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,882
- WOW.
- NICE, HUH?

193
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,719
I ALSO GOT MOSES PARTIN'
THE RED SEA ON MY BOTTOM.
YOU WANNA SEE THAT?

194
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:29,156
- NO, NO. M-MAYBE LATER.
- OKAY.

195
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:36,029
SO, ANYWAY, ABOUT A MONTH
INTO MY SENTENCE,

196
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:40,167
I STARTED READIN' THE BIBLE,
AND IT REALLY KEPT ME
OUT OF TROUBLE.

197
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,269
[ Alarms Blaring ]
[ Men Shouting ]

198
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,906
HEY, HEY, WE'RE GONNA
GANG-STOMP THE GUARD
IN THE CAFETERIA. YOU IN?

199
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:49,076
SORRY. I'M BUSY STOMPIN'
THE DEVIL OUT OF MY HEART.

200
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,945
BUT THANKS
FOR THINKING OF ME.

201
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,515
EVER SINCE I FOUND THE LORD,
I REALLY TURNED MY LIFE AROUND.

202
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,051
PRISON TURNED OUT TO BE
A BLESSING IN DISGUISE.

203
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:02,956
SO... YOU'RE NOT MAD
THAT YOU WERE MISTAKENLY
INCARCERATED...

204
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:07,194
FOR A CRIME SOME...
UNKNOWN PERSON COMMITTED?

205
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:10,097
I DIDN'T ROB THAT STORE, EARL,
BUT WE BOTH KNOW I WAS A SINNER.

206
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:14,401
BESIDES, AS THE GOOD BOOK SAYS,

207
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,204
FORGIVENESS IS THE WAY
TO SALVATION.

208
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,206
[ Grunts ]
[ Cushion Deflating ]

209
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,776
WOW. THAT'S A BIG BIBLE.

210
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,278
IT'S MY MOM'S.
LARGE PRINT.

211
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:28,381
- AH.
- SHE REFUSES TO WEAR
HER READIN' GLASSES.

212
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,351
[ Whispering ]
SHE THINKS THEY
MAKE HER LOOK OLD.

213
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,925
"DO NOT DRINK WINE WHEN...

214
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,496
"THOU GOEST INTO THE TABER--

215
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,869
NACLE OF THE LORD."

216
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:55,242
SO, YOU'RE ALL CHURCHED UP
THEN, HUH? GOOD FOR YOU.

217
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,211
GIVIN' UP ALL THAT
HURTIN' PEOPLE.

218
00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:01,815
I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK NOW.
AND YOU GOT A TATTOO
OF THE RED SEA TO PROVE IT.

219
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:04,184
- WANNA SEE IT NOW?
- OOH, NOT--

220
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,186
I'M STILL
GONNA PASS ON THAT.

221
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,856
BUT I DO NEED
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

222
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:13,260
UH, SOMETHING I DID TO YOU
THAT'S ON MY LIST.

223
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,997
SOMETHING THAT TURNED OUT
TO BE GOOD FOR YOU
BUT, ALL THE SAME,

224
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,399
SOMETHING THAT WAS WRONG.

225
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:25,438
I WAS THE ONE THAT, UH,
ROBBED THAT DOUGHNUT STORE.

226
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,944
- WHAT?
- IT WAS ME, DONNY.

227
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:34,948
I WAS WEARING A-- A SHIRT
THAT I STOLE FROM YOU.

228
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,617
I-- I'M THE REASON
YOU WENT TO PRISON.

229
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,887
[ Hits Table ]

230
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,295
THEN FOUND THE LORD.

231
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,563
WENT TO PRISON
AND FOUND THE LORD.

232
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:55,903
[ Earl Narrating ]
EVEN THOUGH DONNY HAD CHANGED,
I WAS STILL SCARED,

233
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,371
'CAUSE NO MATTER
WHO HE WAS NOW--

234
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:01,474
[ Laughing ]
I GOT YOUR GUN.

235
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,011
I GOT YOUR GUN, DUMMY.
I GOT YOUR GUN.

236
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,246
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
[ Laughing Continues ]

237
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,048
[ Earl Narrating ]
DONNY USED TO BE CRAZY.

238
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,857
[ Whispering ]
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

239
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,470
[ Whispering ]
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

240
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,074
OKAY.

241
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:42,382
- I FORGIVE YOU.
- REALLY?

242
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:46,987
LIKE I SAID BEFORE, EARL,
PRISON CHANGED MY LIFE.

243
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:50,323
I MEAN, EVEN IF YOU HADN'T
HAVE DONE WHAT YOU DID,

244
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,960
I PROBABLY WOULD'VE
ENDED UP THERE ANYWAY.

245
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:56,096
CROSS ME OFF YOUR LIST.

246
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:59,299
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

247
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,502
I WILL.
THANKS, DONNY.

248
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:06,506
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I GOTTA GO HELP A PRAYER BUDDY
IN THE GARAGE.

249
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:10,643
WHEN HE SHOWED UP, I THOUGHT
HE WAS SPEAKING IN TONGUES, BUT
HE'S JUST BACK ON THE STUFF.

250
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,280
HEY, DON'T WORRY.
I'LL LET MYSELF OUT.

251
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,382
[ Earl Narrating ]
AND THERE IT WAS--

252
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,684
THANKS TO RANDY
AND CATALINA'S PUSH,

253
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,620
I FACED MY FEARS,
AND EVERYTHING TURNED OUT FINE.

254
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,197
OW! WHAT THE HELL?

255
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,632
YOU PUT MY BABY IN PRISON
FOR TWO YEARS!

256
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,601
TAKE IT EASY!
HE FORGAVE ME!

257
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:37,270
WELL, MAYBE HE FORGAVE YOU,
BUT I DON'T!

258
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,377
[ Screams ]
HELP! HELP!

259
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:49,149
YOU TOOK MY BABY AWAY!
I'LL NEVER GET THOSE YEARS BACK!
I SHOULD BE ON YOUR STUPID LIST!

260
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:53,620
[ Screams ]
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.
I'LL PUT YOU ON.

261
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:59,292
TOOK DONNY AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER
FOR TWO YEARS.

262
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:03,396
ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE ON IT.
NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO
TO GET YOU OFF IT?

263
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:06,499
- GET ME THE TWO YEARS BACK.
- YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT.

264
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,735
AW, I GUESS YOU'RE SCREWED.

265
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:12,172
[ Grunts, Groans ]

266
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:46,039
[ Muffled Shouting ]

267
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:49,142
[ Earl Narrating ]
I KNOW THIS LOOKS BAD, BUT
SHE REFUSED TO COME ON HER OWN.

268
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,344
TRUST ME.
I HAVE A PLAN.
HI, EARL.

269
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,346
HEY, CRAB MAN.
[ Shouting ]

270
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:57,184
- JOY WANTED ME TO BRING YOU
THESE POISON COOKIES.
- HUH?

271
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,752
[ Earl Narrating ]
DARNELL FILLED ME IN
ON THE VIDEO WILL...

272
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,089
AND JOY'S INTENT TO KILL ME.

273
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:08,195
I WASN'T GONNA GET INVOLVED,
BUT NOW SHE GOT ME
DELIVERIN' POISON,

274
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,697
IT JUST DON'T SEEM RIGHT.

275
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,734
- THANKS, CRAB MAN.
- NO PROBLEM, EARL.

276
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,837
[ Muffled Shouting ]

277
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,307
LET ME OUT OF HERE
RIGHT NOW!

278
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:23,176
YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE!

279
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:26,279
EARL, HOW COME YOU'RE TAPING
DONNY'S MOM TO A CHAIR?

280
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:29,082
- OOH, COOKIES.
- RANDY, THOSE ARE POISONED.

281
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,684
OH, OKAY.

282
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:35,288
I'M TAPING HER TO THE CHAIR
BECAUSE SHE'S GONNA QUIT SMOKING
BEFORE IT KILLS HER.

283
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:38,658
- NOW, STOP KICKING.
- SOMETHING ABOUT THIS
FEELS WRONG.

284
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:41,661
NO, IT'S FINE.
I'M GIVING HER A PUSH,

285
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,431
JUST LIKE YOU GUYS
GAVE ME A PUSH.

286
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:47,467
[ Horn Honking ]
I HAVE TO DO THIS.
YOU'RE ON MY LIST NOW.

287
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,769
I TOOK YOUR SON
AWAY FROM YOU FOR TWO YEARS,

288
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,439
AND THE ONLY WAY I CAN
GIVE YOU BACK THAT TIME...

289
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,142
IS TO GIVE YOU
TWO MORE YEARS ON THIS EARTH.

290
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,811
RANDY--
THOSE ARE POISON!

291
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,717
- HOW POISON?
- PUT IT DOWN!

292
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,520
LOOK, I KNOW
IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY,

293
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,622
BUT YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DO IT ALONE.

294
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,292
I'M GONNA QUIT WITH YOU.

295
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,496
I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED
TO GIVE UP THE SMOKES.

296
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:19,832
SO AM I. WE'RE GONNA
GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

297
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,735
THIS IS THE SWEETEST,
MOST JUSTIFIED KIDNAPPING
I'VE EVER SEEN.

298
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,305
- HOW MANY HAVE YOU SEEN?
- FIVE OR SO.

299
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,776
I'M GONNA TAKE THE GAG
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH NOW, OKAY?

300
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,778
SO PLEASE DON'T HOLLER.
[ Mutters ]

301
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,880
HEL--
[ Coughing ]

302
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,915
HEL--
[ Coughing ]

303
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:39,319
[ Coughing Continues ]

304
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,854
HELP!

305
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,627
HEL--

306
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,730
[ Gasping ]

307
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,535
[ Earl Narrating ]
TURNS OUT I DIDN'T NEED THE GAG.

308
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,471
FORTY YEARS OF SMOKING HAD TAKEN
AWAY HER ABILITY TO SCREAM.

309
00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:01,441
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL QUIT.

310
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,476
THAT'S MY GIRL.

311
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:09,682
[ Earl Narrating ]
QUITTIN' SMOKING
IS A LOT LIKE PRISON.

312
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,885
IF YOU CAN GET
THROUGH THE FIRST THREE DAYS,
YOU'VE GOT A FIGHTING CHANCE.

313
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,761
FIRST WE TRIED THE TAPES.

314
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,431
[ Man On Tape ]
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

315
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,500
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

316
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:31,504
[ Earl Narrating ]
THEN WE TRIED THE PATCHES.

317
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:40,347
SOMEONE TOLD US TO TRY
CARROT STICKS AS A SUBSTITUTE,

318
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,382
BUT WE COULDN'T GET
THE DAMN THINGS TO LIGHT.

319
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:56,896
AFTER SOME LAUGHTER, SOME TEARS
AND A LOT OF BURNT CARROTS,

320
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,931
TOGETHER WE BATTLED
OUR ADDICTION, AND WE WON.

321
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,847
AND EVEN THOUGH WE STARTED OUT
AS STRANGERS, BY THE END,

322
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,917
I FELT LIKE I KNEW DONNY'S MOM
AS WELL AS I KNEW MY OWN.

323
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:22,422
THANK YOU, EARL.
THANK YOU...
DONNY'S MOM.

324
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:33,300
[ Earl Narrating ]
IT WAS HARD,
BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

325
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,702
WE GAVE EACH OTHER LIFE.

326
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:39,372
SHE'S GONNA GET THOSE
EXTRA YEARS WITH HER SON
THAT SHE WANTED,

327
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,841
AND I JUST MIGHT GET
A FEW EXTRA YEARS MYSELF.

328
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,577
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE WE GOT ALL
THAT IN JUST THREE LITTLE DAYS.

329
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:52,619
UNFORTUNATELY,
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
A PERSON CAN GET IN THREE DAYS.

330
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:59,526
I WROTE UP A NEW WILL, JOY.
YOU CAN KILL ME, BUT
THERE AIN'T NO MONEY IN IT.

331
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,461
[ Sighs ]