1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:03,737
YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY
WHO DOES NOTHING
BUT BAD THINGS...

2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,574
AND THEN WONDERS WHY
HIS LIFE SUCKS?

3
00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:11,145
WELL, THAT WAS ME.
EVERY TIME SOMETHIN' GOOD
HAPPENED TO ME,

4
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,281
SOMETHIN' BAD
WAS ALWAYS WAITIN'
AROUND THE CORNER.

5
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,118
KARMA.

6
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,220
THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
I HAD TO CHANGE.

7
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,424
SO I MADE A LIST
OF EVERYTHING BAD
I'VE EVER DONE,

8
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:26,394
AND, ONE BY ONE,
I'M GONNA MAKE UP
FOR ALL MY MISTAKES.

9
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,362
I'M JUST TRYIN'
TO BE A BETTER PERSON.

10
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,299
MY NAME IS EARL.

11
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:35,303
[ Earl Narrating ]
EVER SINCE MY DIVORCE, WINNING
$100,000 IN THE LOTTERY...

12
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,671
AND DISCOVERING
THE CONCEPT OF KARMA,

13
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,640
I FEEL GREAT.

14
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,413
[ Beeping ]

15
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:51,219
AND THE MORE BAD THINGS
I CROSS OFF MY LIST,

16
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,487
THE MORE KARMA REWARDS ME.

17
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,292
CLEAN LIVIN'.

18
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,631
RANDY, THERE'S SOMETHING
TO BE SAID ABOUT WAKING UP...

19
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:07,135
AND FEELING
LIKE A GOOD PERSON.

20
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,570
"U-R AN ASS."

21
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,539
WHAT'D YOU SAY?

22
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,180
JOY.

23
00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:21,882
WELL, IT WASN'T ME,
ALTHOUGH I DO AGREE
WITH YOUR CAR--

24
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,352
YOU ARE AN ASS.

25
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:27,855
- [ Kids Laughing ]
- UM, JOY?

26
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:32,726
FINE! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
CALL THE POLICE?

27
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,364
PLEASE DO. I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS
WITH THEM WHERE YOU AND YOUR
BROTHER GOT THAT REFRIGERATOR.

28
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:40,768
HOLD IT. DON'T CALL THE POLICE.
THEY STILL GOT MY PICTURE UP
OVER AT THE CIRCUIT CITY.

29
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:43,204
LOOK, JUST LEAVE
MY STUFF ALONE, OKAY?

30
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:46,174
HOW 'BOUT YOU GIVE ME
HALF THAT LOTTO MONEY, AND THEN
MAYBE I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE?

31
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:49,177
YOU KNOW I NEED
THAT MONEY SO I CAN MAKE UP
FOR THE THINGS ON MY LIST.

32
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,445
YOU AND YOUR STUPID LIST.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR KIDS?

33
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,481
YOU HAVE A FAMILY
TO SUPPORT.

34
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,552
- THOSE AREN'T MY KIDS, JOY.
- THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

35
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,854
THEY HAVE GROWN ACCUSTOMED
TO A CERTAIN QUALITY
OF LIFESTYLE...

36
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,524
THAT YOU PROVIDED FOR 'EM
WITH ALL YOUR CROOKERY.

37
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,794
I TRIED TO GET THEIR NEW DADDY
TO FILL YOUR SHOES, BUT DARNELL
IS NOT CUT OUT FOR CRIME.

38
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,730
[ Video Game Beeping ]

39
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,902
[ Gasps ]

40
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,243
I'M SORRY.
I SHOULDN'T OF DID THAT.

41
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:25,479
THAT'S OKAY.
ARE YOU HUNGRY?

42
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:29,350
I THINK I HAVE
A LITTLE CANDY BAR IN HERE.
YOU WANT A LITTLE CANDY BAR?

43
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:34,422
WHERE'S MY GRANDFATHER'S
CUCKOO CLOCK?

44
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,757
- I PAWNED IT.
- WHAT?

45
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:40,861
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
CIGARETTES GROW ON TREES?

46
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,963
[ Earl Narrating ]
EXCEPT FOR SCOLIOSIS,

47
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,567
THE ONLY THING MY GRANDFATHER
PASSED DOWN TO ME
WAS THAT CUCKOO CLOCK.

48
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,871
AND I COULDN'T STAND THE THOUGHT
OF MY FAMILY'S ONLY HEIRLOOM
SITTIN' IN A PAWNSHOP.

49
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,574
YOU SURE YOU WANNA GET
GRANDPA'S CUCKOO CLOCK BACK?

50
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,809
THAT THING
ALMOST PUT MY EYE OUT.

51
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,512
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN SO CLOSE.
YOU KNEW WHAT TIME IT WAS.

52
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,781
HOW MUCH IS IT GONNA COST?

53
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,551
THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT
OF VENDING MACHINE DOUGHNUTS
YOU'RE HOLDING THERE.

54
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,753
I'M GETTIN'
AN EXTRA HUNDRED
FOR ROSIE.

55
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:10,458
AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE,
I MIGHT AS WELL CROSS
NUMBER 58 OFF MY LIST--

56
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:13,894
FIXED A HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL GAME.
[ Whistle Blows ]

57
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,397
[ Crowd Cheering ]
HUT!

58
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,666
[ Earl Narrating ]
AFTER SITTING ON THE BENCH
ALL YEAR,

59
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:23,604
THE COACH TOLD RANDY
HE WAS FINALLY GONNA
GET A CHANCE TO PLAY.

60
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:27,308
I SAW THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY
TO MAKE A BET WITH ROSIE,

61
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:29,443
OUR LOCAL BOOKIE
AND PAWNSHOP OWNER.

62
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:32,012
I BET A HUNDRED DOLLARS
ON RANDY'S TEAM... TO LOSE.

63
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,582
GOOD LUCK.

64
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:37,685
OF COURSE
I DIDN'T NEED LUCK.
I HAD RANDY.

65
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,553
2-16! HUT!

66
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:43,591
[ Crowd Booing ]

67
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,961
[ Crowd Groaning ]

68
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:51,031
HUT!

69
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,434
[ Man ]
AH, YOU FOOL!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

70
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:58,572
[ Jeering ]
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BUM!

71
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:04,312
I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE ROSIE'S FACE
WHEN I PAY HER BACK.

72
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,816
YOU DISGUST ME, EARL HICKEY.
FIXIN' A GAME.

73
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:12,986
I SHOULD PULL YOU THROUGH
THIS TALKIN' HOLE AND STOMP ON
YOUR SWEATY LITTLE TEA BAG.

74
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,730
WHAT'S UP, ROSIE?
HOW YOU BEEN?

75
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,369
YOU HAD ONE CHANCE
TO FEEL WHAT IT WAS LIKE
TO SCORE A TOUCHDOWN,

76
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:32,873
AND YA THREW IT ALL AWAY
JUST BECAUSE YOUR WORTHLESS
BROTHER ASKED YOU TO.

77
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,776
[ Earl Narrating ]
THAT WAS TRUE.

78
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,745
[ Whistle Blows ]

79
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,480
HUT!

80
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,885
[ Man ]
RUN! RUN!

81
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,390
BLOCK HIM!

82
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,409
[ Groaning ]

83
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:11,579
[ Earl Narrating ] MAYBE I
DIDN'T JUST CHEAT THE BOOKIE.
MAYBE I CHEATED RANDY TOO.

84
00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:14,515
I TOOK AWAY HIS ONE CHANCE
TO SCORE A TOUCHDOWN.

85
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:17,951
RANDY, DO YOU
REGRET THE FACT THAT YOU
NEVER GOT TO FEEL...

86
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,921
WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO SCORE A TOUCHDOWN?

87
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:24,458
UH, I GUESS
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
TO GET LIFTED UP BY PEOPLE.

88
00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:29,096
I NEVER BEEN
LIFTED UP BEFORE.
IT LOOKS FUN.

89
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,732
I THINK I HAVE TO PUT YOU
ON MY LIST, RANDY.

90
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,635
I TOOK AWAY YOUR TOUCHDOWN.
I GOTTA GIVE IT BACK.

91
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,637
HOW IN THE WORLD
ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?

92
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,806
THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY,

93
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:42,576
BUT I-I THINK YOU HAVE TO
GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL.

94
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,845
[ Cuckooing ]

95
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,449
THAT WAS WEIRD.

96
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:51,785
[ Earl Narrating ] I NEEDED
TO GET RANDY A FAKE BIRTH
CERTIFICATE FOR HIGH SCHOOL.

97
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:54,622
LUCKILY,
THAT HOMOSEXUAL FELLOW I KNOW
WORKS AT A COPY PLACE.

98
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,624
THANKS FOR DOING THIS,
KENNY.

99
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:59,393
ARE YOU KIDDING?
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME
OUT OF THE CLOSET.

100
00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:02,029
I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE
WERE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ME.

101
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:05,098
I'VE WORKED WITH BRUCE
FOR YEARS AND DIDN'T KNOW.
OH, YES, YOU WILL COLLATE!

102
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,904
HERE YOU GO.

103
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:13,441
[ Earl Narrating ]
THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE
LOOKED GREAT.

104
00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:16,677
ALL WE NEEDED WAS A FAKE FATHER
TO SIGN THE PAPERWORK,
AND WE WERE IN.

105
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,547
TRANSFER STUDENT, HUH?

106
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:22,750
[ Synthesized Voice ]
I TRAVEL A LOT FOR WORK.

107
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:25,419
[ Earl Narrating ]
WITH FOOTBALL SEASON
ALMOST OVER,

108
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:28,088
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE RANDY
GOT A CHANCE TO PLAY,

109
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,124
SO I PICKED THE SCHOOL
WITH THE WORST TEAM
IN THE LEAGUE.

110
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,130
[ Inhaler Squirting ]

111
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,912
HOW WAS YOUR
FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL?

112
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,715
GREAT. I REALLY ENJOYED
SCIENCE CLASS.

113
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,751
DID YOU KNOW
THAT BEFORE WE WERE HUMANS,
WE WERE MONKEYS?

114
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,721
REALLY? WHAT WERE WE
BEFORE MONKEYS?

115
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:04,191
I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
BEING A MONKEY.

116
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,862
WHERE'S MY CAR?
WHAT?

117
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:11,999
I PARKED MY CAR
RIGHT HERE.

118
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,735
SOMEONE STOLE MY CAR.

119
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:18,071
MY MONEY. MY MONEY
WAS IN THE CAR. RANDY,
MY MONEY WAS IN THE CAR.

120
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,240
WHO'D WANNA
STEAL YOUR CAR?

121
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,811
IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP
WITH "ASSTRONAUT"
PAINTED ON THE SIDE.

122
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,782
JOY.

123
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:41,695
- WHERE IS IT, JOY?
- WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE GUYS
DOWN AT IMPOUND?

124
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:43,864
YOU HAD MY CAR TOWED?

125
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:47,668
YUP. MAYBE IF YOU GAVE ME
SOME OF THAT LOTTO MONEY,
I'D FIND BETTER THINGS TO DO.

126
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:50,203
[ Earl Narrating ]
IT WAS AT THAT POINT
I REALIZED JOY HAD NO IDEA...

127
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:53,240
THAT MY MONEY
WAS ACTUALLY IN THE CAR.

128
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:56,209
HEY, EARL. JOY HAD NO IDEA
THAT YOUR LOTTO MONEY
WAS IN YOUR CAR.

129
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:13,561
OW! OH!
[ Hisses ]

130
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:17,531
I BUSTED OPEN
MY RUG BURN.

131
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,733
[ Earl Narrating ]
JOY'S FALL BOUGHT US
A LITTLE TIME,

132
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:22,169
BUT GETTING THE CAR
WASN'T GONNA BE EASY.

133
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,972
IT SEEMS I OWED SOME MONEY
ON UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.

134
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,708
$3,000?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

135
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:33,080
[ Earl Narrating ]
I KNEW I COULD PAY HIM IF I
COULD JUST GET TO THE CAR,

136
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:36,784
BUT THESE AREN'T THE KIND
OF GUYS YOU WANNA LET KNOW YOU
HAVE CHANGE IN YOUR ASHTRAY,

137
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,587
MUCH LESS $100,000
UNDER YOUR FRONT SEAT.

138
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,255
WHAT'S UP
WITH THE FOOTBALL?

139
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:45,926
I PLAY FOR NORTHWESTERN HIGH.
I'M GONNA SCORE A TOUCHDOWN.

140
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,929
NORTHWESTERN HIGH?
WHAT ARE YOU,
IN THE 17th GRADE?

141
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:52,199
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY CAR.

142
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:56,236
NOPE! IT'S NOT HER CAR.
THAT'S MY CAR.
MY NAME'S ON THE TITLE TOO.

143
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:58,906
I DON'T GIVE
A RAT'S ASPIRIN BOTTLE
WHOSE DAMN CAR IT IS.

144
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:02,576
I'M GONNA GIVE IT
TO WHOEVER GIVES ME $3,000.

145
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:05,613
SIR, CAN I HAVE
THIS MAGAZINE
FOR A COLLAGE?

146
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:08,048
ONE OF THE CHEERLEADERS
WAS OUT SICK TODAY,

147
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:10,150
AND WE'RE GONNA
DECORATE HER LOCKER.

148
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:12,820
[ Earl Narrating ]
I KNEW NEITHER JOY OR I
WOULD BE ABLE...

149
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,889
TO COME UP WITH $3,000
WITHOUT SELLING A KIDNEY,

150
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,959
SO I CONCENTRATED MY EFFORTS
ON SOMEHOW GETTING TO THE CAR.

151
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:21,128
I DON'T KNOW, EARL.

152
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,897
MAYBE WE SHOULD THINK
OF ANOTHER WAY. I MEAN,
ELECTRICITY HURTS.

153
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:27,167
I USED TO SNEAK MY CAR OUT
OF HERE ALL THE TIME. THEY ONLY
TURN THIS THING ON AT NIGHT.

154
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,008
SEE?

155
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,678
COME ON.
LET'S GET THAT MONEY.

156
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,052
WAIT FOR IT.

157
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,357
- NOW.
- [ Screams ]

158
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:53,827
[ Thudding ]
[ Earl Narrating ] WHILE I WAS
BUSY TRYING TO GET TO MY CAR,

159
00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,963
JOY WAS TRYING
TO GET A LOAN FOR $3,000.

160
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:02,135
HEY, BABY.
DARNELL, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?

161
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:05,305
I TOLD YOU
TO WAIT IN THE CAR.
IT'S HOT OUT THERE.

162
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,374
BABY, I'M TRYING TO GET
A LOAN HERE, OKAY?

163
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,710
LOOK, YOU KNOW
I DON'T SEE COLOR,

164
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:12,312
BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE NEVER
GONNA GIVE ME $3,000...

165
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:16,183
IF THEY SEE ME HERE
WITH A BLACK MAN, OKAY?

166
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:19,953
DARNELL, IT'S NOT ME!
IT'S AMERICA.
I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.

167
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,232
SO, THEY TELL ME YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR A LOAN.

168
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:36,369
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE CAR.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

169
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,409
WE REALLY ONLY NEED THE MONEY
FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR OR TWO.

170
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:47,214
[ Whispers ]
SAY SOMETHIN' BLACK.

171
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:50,050
[ Earl Narrating ] JOY DIDN'T
REALIZE THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU'RE BLACK OR WHITE.

172
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,320
YOU CAN'T BORROW MONEY
AGAINST A RENTED
1972 TRAILER...

173
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,455
WITH A DOCUMENTED
CARBON MONOXIDE LEAK.

174
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,125
I'M SORRY.

175
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,399
- NICE PULL, BROTHER.
- RIGHT ON.

176
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:13,073
HEY, EARL?
I NEED $20 TO ENTER
THE SCIENCE FAIR.

177
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,342
RANDY, ALL MY MONEY'S
IN THE CAR.

178
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,245
BESIDES,
YOU'RE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL
TO SCORE A TOUCHDOWN,

179
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,814
NOT DECORATE LOCKERS
AND ENTER THE SCIENCE FAIR.

180
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,717
COME ON.
IT'S ONLY $20.

181
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,953
HE'S ALREADY GROWING
HIS POTATO.

182
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:30,123
JUST PUT THE BOOKS DOWN
AND HELP ME THINK.

183
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:33,727
IF WE DON'T FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO BREAK INTO THE IMPOUND YARD
AND GET MY MONEY,

184
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,362
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
EAT THAT POTATO.

185
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:38,732
OH, HEY, EARL.
HOW ABOUT THIS?

186
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:41,334
IT'S CALLED
A TROJAN HORSE.

187
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,938
[ Earl Narrating ] AND THERE
IT WAS-- A GREAT IDEA THAT WE
NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND...

188
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:47,307
IF I HADN'T MADE RANDY
GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL.

189
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,078
KARMA STRIKES AGAIN.

190
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:54,247
[ Earl Narrating ]
INSTEAD OF A WOODEN HORSE,
I WAS GONNA USE A CAR.

191
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:58,085
I CALLED THE ONLY GUY
I KNEW THAT HAD ONE THAT
ACTUALLY WORKED-- KENNY.

192
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:01,755
I'LL JUST HIDE IN THE TRUNK,
AND YOU PARK THE CAR
IN FRONT OF A HYDRANT.

193
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:04,391
ONCE I'M TOWED
INTO THE IMPOUND,
I'LL HOP OUT, GET MY MONEY,

194
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:07,094
HEAD ON OVER TO
THE HIGH SCHOOL AND WATCH
RANDY SCORE A TOUCHDOWN.

195
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,262
SOUNDS LIKE
A SOLID PLAN, EARL.

196
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,832
[ Earl Narrating ]
KENNY'S A GOOD GUY,
BUT, TO BE HONEST,

197
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:14,034
HIS FRIEND MADE ME
A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

198
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,804
THIS IS SO EXCITING!

199
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,341
LET ME JUST
GET IN THE CAR.

200
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,789
DAMN. I'M TOO BIG.

201
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:38,258
- I'LL DO IT.
- REALLY?

202
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:41,795
AFTER EVERYTHING
YOU'VE DONE FOR ME,
IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.

203
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,397
WOW. THANKS, KENNY.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN FIT
IN THE TRUNK?

204
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,499
I'VE SEEN HIM FIT
INTO A TRUNK.

205
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,501
[ Giggling ]
STOP IT.
YOU STOP IT.

206
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,203
YOU STOP IT.
YOU STOP IT!

207
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,305
YOU STOP IT!
YOU STOP IT!

208
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:56,109
WHY DON'T WE ALL STOP IT, OKAY?
LET'S SHUT DOWN THE HORSEPLAY.

209
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:02,515
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ONCE THE CAR IS IN THE IMPOUND,
HOP OUT, GET MY MONEY...

210
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:05,252
AND MEET ME
AT THE FOOTBALL GAME.

211
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,321
[ Earl Narrating ]
WHILE I WAS TRYING
TO GET THE CAR,

212
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:11,124
RANDY WAS GETTING PSYCHED.

213
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:14,127
ARE YOU READY?
I'M READY.
ARE YOU READY?

214
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,830
I'M READY. YOU READY?

215
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,066
I'M READY!
ARE YOU READY?
OW.

216
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,968
[ Whimpers ]

217
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:24,037
[ Earl Narrating ]
WHILE RANDY WAS
GETTING PSYCHED,

218
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:27,274
JOY WAS STILL TRYING TO
GET HER HANDS ON $3,000.

219
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:33,180
I SOLD ALMOST EVERYTHING WE OWN,
AND ALL I GOT WAS $1,500.

220
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,884
- THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.
- I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GONNA
GET ALL THIS MONEY FROM.

221
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,590
WATCH MY BACK.

222
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,469
[ Mouthing Words ]

223
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:01,875
[ Earl Narrating ]
AS FOR MY PLAN, THE TROJAN
HORSE WAS ON ITS WAY.

224
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:04,611
ONLY, INSTEAD OF A HORSE STUFFED
WITH A BUNCH OF GREEKS,

225
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:08,581
WE HAD A LE CAR STUFFED
WITH ONE TINY GAY.

226
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:11,318
WHICH MEANT I WAS FREE
TO ENJOY THE GAME.

227
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:15,022
AND I WANTED RANDY
TO HAVE A LOT OF SUPPORT,
SO CATALINA CAME TOO.

228
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,357
I EVEN INVITED
HIS FAKE DAD.

229
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:20,928
[ Synthesized Voice ]
PUSH 'EM BACK.
PUSH 'EM BACK. WAY BACK!

230
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:33,106
YOU CAN STOP NOW.

231
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:36,343
STUPID GUY
AT THE RECYCLE CENTER ONLY
GAVE ME EIGHT DOLLARS...

232
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:39,146
FOR THAT WHOLE CART
FULL OF CANS.

233
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:42,015
- WE'LL NEVER MAKE
ENOUGH MONEY THIS WAY.
- YOU THINK?

234
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,985
THESE CANS ARE
JUST TOO DAMN SMALL.

235
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,120
THEY PAY BY THE POUND.
WE NEED HEAVIER CANS.

236
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,226
HEY, WHAT IS THIS THINGY
MADE OUT OF?

237
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:11,144
[ Grunts, Groans ]

238
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,114
[ Earl Narrating ] RANDY WAS
HAVING MORE TROUBLE ON THE FIELD
THAN I HAD ANTICIPATED.

239
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,483
I THINK ALL THOSE YEARS
OF SLEEPING ALL DAY
AND DRINKING ALL NIGHT...

240
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,385
HAD CAUGHT UP WITH HIM.

241
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,555
HE LOOKS WOBBLY.

242
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,492
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, RANDY!
YOU CAN DO THIS!

243
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,395
I NEED YOU TO SCORE, BUDDY.

244
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:37,670
WHERE THE HELL IS KENNY?

245
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:40,240
[ Barking, Snarling ]

246
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,642
[ Earl Narrating ]
UNFORTUNATELY FOR KENNY--
[ Gasps ] HELP!

247
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,012
THE AFTERSHAVE HE WAS WEARING
ATTRACTED DOBERMANS.
HELP!

248
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,714
[ Announcer ] WITH 12 SECONDS
LEFT ON THE CLOCK HERE
IN THE FOURTH QUARTER,

249
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,617
BESIDE THIS RUN,
THE ROCKETS--

250
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,120
THIS IS HIS LAST CHANCE
TO SCORE.

251
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:57,190
GIVE ME THE BALL.
I'LL GET IT IN THE END ZONE.
I HAVE TO. READY?

252
00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,292
[ All ]
BREAK!

253
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,028
COME ON, RANDY!

254
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:08,035
ON THREE. HUT, HUT! GO!

255
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,759
[ Crowd Groaning ]

256
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,064
[ Horn Blows ]
[ Man Shouting ]

257
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,469
[ Man ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

258
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:03,290
[ Earl Narrating ]
I FELT HORRIBLE.
I HAD SET RANDY UP TO FAIL.

259
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:06,493
I FELT LIKE I TOOK AWAY
HIS TOUCHDOWN ALL OVER AGAIN.

260
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:11,098
I CAN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE.
HE MUST HAVE BEEN SO UPSET,
HE WALKED HOME.

261
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:15,135
[ Horn Honking ]
HEY, EARL HICKEY!

262
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:18,638
I RAISED THE $3,000.
WHERE'S YOUR KARMA NOW, DUMMY?

263
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:24,377
- HEY, EARL.
- HEY, CRAB MAN.

264
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,146
[ Tires Screeching ]

265
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:33,320
[ Earl Narrating ] I KNEW AS
SOON AS JOY GOT TO THAT IMPOUND
YARD, MY LIFE WOULD BE RUINED.

266
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,089
WITHOUT MY HUNDRED GRAND,
I'D HAVE TO GET A JOB,

267
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,858
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TIME
TO CROSS THINGS OFF MY LIST.

268
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,528
SO, I STARTED RUNNING.

269
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:47,734
AND I RAN
AS FAST AS I COULD...

270
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,669
FOR AS LONG AS I COULD.

271
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,378
BUT EVENTUALLY, ALL THOSE YEARS
OF SLEEPING ALL DAY
AND DRINKING ALL NIGHT...

272
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,313
CAUGHT UP WITH ME.

273
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:08,121
THE MEN IN YOUR FAMILY
DON'T WORK OUT A LOT,
DO THEY?

274
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:12,292
WE NEVER GOT CAUGHT UP
IN THE WHOLE PHYSICAL
FITNESS CRAZE, NO.

275
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:15,362
[ Earl Narrating ]
IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT JOY WAS
ON HER WAY TO STEAL MY MONEY,

276
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:19,332
BUT I WAS ALSO STARTING TO
REGRET WEARING FLANNEL BOXERS
ON SUCH A HOT DAY.

277
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:22,569
I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL
MY MONEY'S GONNA BE GONE.
MY LIFE IS OVER.

278
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,138
WHERE I GREW UP,
WE HAVE THESE THINGS
CALLED BANKS.

279
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,839
[ Horn Honking ]

280
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,213
YOU TWO NEED A RIDE?

281
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:36,583
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?
HOW'D YOU GET MY CAR?

282
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:41,621
I PAID THE $3,000
TO GET IT OUT.
WHAT? HOW?

283
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:44,457
I FIXED THE GAME AGAIN.
I FUMBLED THAT BALL
ON PURPOSE.

284
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:47,527
AND THIS TIME, INSTEAD OF
BETTING A HUNDRED DOLLARS,
I BET 3,000.

285
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,497
SO YOU WERE JUST FAKING IT
WHEN YOU LOOKED SO TIRED
ON THE FIELD?

286
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,765
NO, THAT WAS REAL.
I THREW UP FOUR TIMES.

287
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,834
WAIT. WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT THIS?

288
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:58,371
'CAUSE I KNEW
YOU AND YOUR KARMA LIST
WOULDN'T LET ME DO IT.

289
00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:01,441
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
AREN'T YOU HAPPY?

290
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,644
NO, I'M HAPPY.
I'M HAPPY I GOT THE MONEY BACK,
BUT I DID IT AGAIN.

291
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:07,880
I FORCED HIM TO GIVE UP
HIS TOUCHDOWN. I CAN'T
CROSS IT OFF THE LIST.

292
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,882
EARL, YOU DIDN'T
MAKE ME DO THIS.

293
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:12,952
I DID IT BECAUSE
YOU'RE MY BROTHER
AND I WANTED TO.

294
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,622
I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.
I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

295
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,558
BUT DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO SCORE A TOUCHDOWN?

296
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,294
I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S ABOUT
THE SAME FEELING I GOT...

297
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:24,697
WHEN I DROVE UP AND SAW
THE SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

298
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,567
WELL, THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING LEFT TO DO.

299
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,802
CATALINA.

300
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,806
[ Chuckling ]
WHOO-HOO!
PUT ME DOWN.

301
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,243
I DON'T LIKE IT!
I DON'T LIKE IT!

302
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,945
[ Earl Narrating ]
FIRST THING WE DID THE NEXT DAY
WAS PAY ROSIE BACK...

303
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,548
THE THREE GRAND WE WON
BY FIXING THE GAME.

304
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:44,751
NEEDLESS TO SAY,
SHE WASN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.

305
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,886
YOU'RE PATHETIC,
EARL HICKEY!

306
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,888
[ Earl Narrating ]
AS FOR KENNY,

307
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:51,891
HE EVENTUALLY
MADE ENOUGH NOISE THAT SOMEONE
CAME AND RESCUED HIM.

308
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:56,896
AS IT TURNED OUT,
HIS DRAKKAR NOIR ATTRACTED
MORE THAN JUST THE DOGS.

309
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:59,566
KENNY TOLD ME LATER
THAT HE AND HIS NEW FRIEND...

310
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:02,402
SPENT A LOVELY WEEKEND TOGETHER
IN WINE COUNTRY.

311
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,438
I WAS JUST GLAD TO HEAR
BRUCE WAS NO LONGER
IN THE PICTURE.

312
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,809
AND NOW THAT I HAD
MY MONEY BACK,

313
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:13,446
I WAS ABLE TO GIVE RANDY
20 BUCKS TO ROUND OUT
HIS HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE.

314
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,559
"PARTICIPANT." NICE.

315
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:31,298
[ Earl Narrating ]
AS FOR JOY,
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

316
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:33,900
THAT'S THE BEST PART
OF THE WHOLE STORY.
I'M SO EXCITED!

317
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:37,370
SNIFF THIS.
WE'RE GONNA BE RICH.
[ Laughing ]

318
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:40,373
[ Gasps ]
[ Tires Screeching ]

319
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:43,443
[ Crashing ]

320
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:53,886
[ Angry Grunting ]

321
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,656
HOW AM I GONNA GET THE CAR
OUT RIGHT NOW?

322
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:58,758
DARNELL, HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET THE CAR OUT?

323
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,793
[ Earl Narrating ]
KARMA. YOU GOTTA LOVE IT.