1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:04,105
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

2
00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:06,740
and then wonders why
his life sucks?

3
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:10,744
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

4
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,114
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

5
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:16,750
Karma.

6
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,087
That's when I realized
I had to change.

7
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:23,224
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

8
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:26,260
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

9
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:28,196
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

10
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,631
My name is Earl.

11
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,304
[ Earl Narrating ]
Number 203 on my list--

12
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:40,508
stole various snacks and drinks
from the local Quick Stop.

13
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,111
Of course, that was before
I turned my life around.

14
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:46,280
Luckily, Randy still had
a stealing jacket,

15
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,516
and we had no problem
sneaking the stuff back in.

16
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,288
All right. Well, I guess
I can cross this one off.

17
00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:58,292
Hold on a second.
I gotta put these back in
the little hot dog Ferris wheel.

18
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:02,663
Oh, my God!

19
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,166
- What are you doin'?
- Natalie Duckworth
is over there.

20
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:07,868
- Who?
- Natalie Duckworth, number 84.

21
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:12,573
[ Earl Narrating ] About seven
years ago, the Crab Shack was
rented out for a biker party.

22
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:16,177
No one hassled me at the door,
so I came in and learned
a new phrase--

23
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:17,845
open bar.

24
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,284
Beer, please.
Make it two.

25
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:36,530
[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided then and there
that I did, in fact, wanna ride.

26
00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:39,433
After what some might call
a few too many beers--
Yeah, mama!

27
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:42,403
we went back to her house
and had a really good time
in the dark.

28
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,605
Then it got light, fast.

29
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,707
Wake up, sleepyhead.

30
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,443
What?

31
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,414
That was some costume party
last night, wasn't it?

32
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,383
What?

33
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,587
My God.

34
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,758
Whoops. My temporary tattoo
rubbed off on you.

35
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:12,566
Wow. I've never brought a guy
right home before.
This is wild, huh?

36
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,669
So, what do you wanna do today?
Do you wanna go to the park?

37
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:18,639
Oh, my God. You know
what would be great?

38
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,342
- The farmer's market.
- The who's what?

39
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:30,751
[ Earl Narrating ]
We were not cut
from the same cloth.

40
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:34,188
But no matter how different
we were, there was one thing
we both liked.

41
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:37,858
[ Giggling ]

42
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,294
Besides, I didn't wanna
run out on her.

43
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:43,264
She had been hurt before.
This is Ted.

44
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,433
He left me for a stripper.

45
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:50,638
That's a lock of his hair,
and that's a lock
of the stripper's hair.

46
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:56,610
That's a lock
of my sister's hair,
which leads us to John.

47
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:59,480
[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though I took home a Harley
and ended up with a moped,

48
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,582
I decided to give it a shot.

49
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,418
I mean, why not?
She was cute
and had a satellite...

50
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,654
that sent kung fu movies
from space.

51
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:11,325
- Ooh.
- It's a beautiful day out.

52
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:15,763
- Let's go for a hike.
- I was gonna watch
this kung fu movie.

53
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,865
[ Karate Yells On TV ]

54
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:21,269
[ Karate Yell ]

55
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,337
[ Laughs ]
Come on.

56
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,273
"Pwease" go
for a hike with me.

57
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,975
Mmm.

58
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:31,245
[ Earl Narrating ]
I tried to seem interested
in the same things she was,

59
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:34,014
but it just
didn't come natural to me.

60
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:38,252
Look, an Anthemis tinctoria!

61
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:41,289
Wow, look at the size
of that dog turd next to it.

62
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,260
[ Exhales Forcefully ]

63
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:50,764
[ Earl Narrating ] She wanted
me to do arts and crafts.
It's called papier-mâché.

64
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:54,868
Somehow she figured out
a way to make newspapers
even more boring.

65
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,004
Oh, "wook," someone's fingers
are all sticky-wicky.

66
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,977
She even made me go on picnics.
So we just sit here?

67
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:06,280
Well, we're gonna eat
in a while.

68
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:09,049
What do we do until then?

69
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:14,688
- Just sit, talk.
- You know, we passed a Denny's.

70
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:17,458
[ Earl Narrating ]
Before I knew it, we had been
dating for a whole month.

71
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,493
When her parents
came out to visit...

72
00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:21,695
and we all got our faces
lasered in crystal,

73
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,597
I knew things
were gettin' too serious.

74
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:26,300
I had to get out.

75
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:30,371
And I didn't wanna hurt
her feelings, so I figured
there was only one thing to do.

76
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,647
Earl's dead.
He was lost at sea.

77
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,749
This is all they found of him.
I thought you'd want it.

78
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,021
[ Earl Narrating ]
I realize now
that faking your death...

79
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,591
to break up with someone
is not exactly thoughtful.

80
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:54,362
It's time to find a way
to cross her off the list.

81
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:06,474
You look like
that little monkey in E.T.

82
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:10,444
Shh.

83
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:13,347
You faked your death?
I didn't wanna
hurt her feelings.

84
00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:15,516
This woman is very fragile.

85
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,685
Very needy, clingy and fragile.

86
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,521
Here. Put some more
baby's breath in there.

87
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:24,124
It fills in the gaps
with neutral coloring.

88
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,460
[ Earl Narrating ]
It's funny how the brain
sucks things up.

89
00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:29,363
One summer, Randy worked at
a florist for almost 10 minutes.

90
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:31,732
I'm gonna put in
some more baby's breath.

91
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,402
It fills in the gaps
with neutral coloring.
[ Squeaking ]

92
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:37,938
Ma'am, are these vases always
gonna make that sound
when I'm drying them?

93
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:40,608
The squeaking
makes my toes hurt.

94
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:43,577
You can't just tell a girl
you faked your death
to get away from her.

95
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:46,547
- She'll be devastated.
- I have to tell her.
It's on my list.

96
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,517
I lied to her, and the only way
I can cross it off
is if I tell her the truth.

97
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,952
So, what is more important,
your list or someone's feelings?

98
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:54,722
- I don't know. My list?
- No.

99
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,790
Feelings.
I bet it's feelings.

100
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:59,427
Look, I-- I have to tell her.
She almost saw me today,

101
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,529
and I'm not gonna
hide in another refrigerator.

102
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:04,832
Earl, if you really need
to tell her, at least say it
was because of you.

103
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,735
- Say you weren't good enough
for her.
- That's another lie.

104
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,671
But it's a good lie,
to protect her.

105
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,806
Maybe you should listen
to Catalina.

106
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,008
She's a woman
just like Natalie.

107
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,977
They're both women,
her and Natalie.

108
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,747
You and I are men.
We're not women.

109
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,783
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes Randy takes a long
road to a simple thought.

110
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:25,519
You see, men think
different than women.

111
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,588
You and I think different
than Natalie and Catalina,

112
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,156
cause we're men
and they're women.

113
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,926
I'm right, right?
I-I'm not wrong.

114
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,128
Am I wrong?
No.

115
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,000
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy's long thought was right.

116
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,536
Catalina seemed to know a lot
more about women than I did,

117
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:45,005
so I decided
to take her advice.

118
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,940
[ Knocking ]

119
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:52,613
- [ Gasps ]
- Surprise.

120
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,615
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]

121
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,686
[ Screaming Continues ]

122
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,789
Whoa!

123
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,625
That was just like in E.T.
when that little girl
first saw the monkey.

124
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,233
You see, it wasn't you.
It was-- It was me.

125
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:17,638
I pretended to be dead
because I was afraid
I wasn't good enough for ya.

126
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:23,210
I mourned you for months.
I kept your shirt.

127
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:27,180
I even made a papier-mâché bust
of you to wear it.

128
00:07:32,753 --> 00:07:36,924
Ah, very nice.
Very detailed.

129
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:42,930
See, it was that kind of
perfection in your life
that made me feel inadequate.

130
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:46,066
It was that kind of
perfection in your life that
made him feel inadequate.

131
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:51,004
They turned you into
a mushroom. Are you
all right? Talk to me.

132
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,841
I just wished you
would've said something.

133
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,109
Why wouldn't you just tell me?

134
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,779
I mean, what does that
say about me?

135
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,582
No, n-nothing.
It doesn't say
anything about you.

136
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:04,752
It's not your fault.
You're-- You're perfect.

137
00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:06,987
I'm the one.
It was me.

138
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:10,758
- [ Door Opens ]
- Sorry I'm late, sweetie.
I hit the gym.

139
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:13,761
Took the fast train to ab town.

140
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,933
- Are you being robbed?
- No.

141
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:23,036
This is my ex-boyfriend Earl.

142
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:26,574
- The one with the stripper?
- No, I'm-- I'm the dead one.

143
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:30,143
Are these candies free?

144
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:39,987
Thanks for telling me the truth.
It makes me feel better
knowing you're alive.

145
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,289
I just wanted to make sure
you were happy.

146
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:46,059
I'm glad you found Dirk.
He seems perfect for you.

147
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:50,163
Thanks.
We only met three weeks ago,
but we just clicked.

148
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:53,266
That's great.
Good for you.

149
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,136
Well, I should, uh--
Oh, wait a sec.

150
00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:04,144
I want you to have this.
I'm glad you're not dead.

151
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,749
Good-bye, little fella.

152
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:14,888
[ High-pitched Voice ]
Good-bye, Natalie.
Thanks for making me.

153
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,659
[ Kisses ]
Oh.

154
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:24,632
All righty.
I'll see you later.
Bye.

155
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,671
[ Earl Narrating ] I was
feeling pretty good about
Natalie and how we left things.

156
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:36,143
And the me made of wet newspaper
added a nice decorative touch
to the room.

157
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:40,280
Randy, have you seen the pen?
I need to cross Natalie
off my list.

158
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:44,217
Nope. Catalina, how often
do you clean the bedspreads?

159
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:47,120
I don't know.
I've only worked here
for a year.

160
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,657
[ Knocking ]

161
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,794
Dirk is gone.
[ Sobbing ]
What?

162
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,663
Dirk is gone!

163
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,871
[ Earl Narrating ]
When we got Natalie calmed down,
she explained...

164
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:07,140
that something terrible
had happened to Dirk.

165
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:11,712
The police found his car
in the woods with blood in it,

166
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:14,081
and they think
he might have been killed.

167
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,784
[ Squeaking Sobs ]

168
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:20,220
Earl, is she gonna keep
squeaking like that?
It's making my toes hurt.

169
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:25,793
Uh, just uh-- sit here and--
and-- and try to calm down.

170
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:28,996
I'll get you something to drink.
Okay. Thanks.

171
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:38,005
[ Dirk ]
Oh, yeah, feel that.

172
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,407
How do you like that
rock-hard candy, huh?

173
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,745
- Dirk?
- Hey, Earl.

174
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,814
Don't tell me your hooker
works here too.

175
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:51,919
- You're supposed to be dead.
- Well, yeah, I know.

176
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,287
Thanks for the idea.
Boy, just in time.

177
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:58,125
I was about to build a noose
out of papier-mâché
and hang myself at a picnic.

178
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:01,294
[ Natalie ]
Earl.

179
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:04,832
Hey.
I'm just gonna go home.

180
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:08,101
It's probably best if I wait
there in case the police come.
[ Dirk, Muted ]

181
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:11,071
[ Bangs On Door ]
Yeah, that's, uh,
probably a good idea.

182
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,741
Yeah.
Okay, right there.
You found it.

183
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,876
Okay, a little less pressure.

184
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:21,782
Whew!
I can't believe Dirk
faked his death too.

185
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:25,819
He got the idea from me.
That's why karma wouldn't let me
find a pen and cross her off.

186
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:29,089
- I'm not done.
- Are you gonna tell her
that he's alive?

187
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,725
She thinks he's dead,
but he's not.
He's not dead.

188
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,161
He's living. He's alive.
He's not dead
like she thinks he is.

189
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,296
I think I should tell her,
right?

190
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:39,132
You can't tell a girl two
men faked their deaths
to get away from her.

191
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:42,302
It will crush her spirit.
What am I supposed
to do then?

192
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,272
She's very upset.
She's been through a lot,
she thinks.

193
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:47,407
So be her friend
and comfort her.

194
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,244
Maybe if a man is nice
to her for a change,
it will build up her confidence.

195
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:54,815
- Trust me. I'm a woman.
- She's right, Earl.

196
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:58,185
She is a woman, and we're men.
You remember how we
talked about that.

197
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:01,054
Yeah, I got it, Randy.
Thanks.

198
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,392
[ Earl Narrating ]
The first few days of hanging
out with Natalie,

199
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,527
all she did was wait
for the phone to ring.

200
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,764
Since I knew it wasn't gonna,
I thought I should get her
out of the house.

201
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,933
Who's up for a hike?

202
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:17,204
- Come on. You love hikes.
- Mmm.

203
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,347
"Pwease" go on
a hike with me.

204
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,820
"Otay."

205
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,524
See? Hiking.

206
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:41,494
Huh? This is fun.
I like going uphill.

207
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,997
I wish we could go uphill
on the way back.

208
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:47,100
[ Earl Narrating ] All I had
to do was seem interested
in the things she liked doing,

209
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,369
and she started to cheer up.

210
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,438
Hiking turned into
arts and crafts.

211
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:55,375
I started to, uh, make you
a magical fairy,

212
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:59,847
but I ended up with,
uh, a magical clump.

213
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,850
Thanks.
It's a very nice clump.

214
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:07,921
I'll name him Alexander.
Alexander the Clump.

215
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:10,257
Or Pepe.
How about Pepe the Clump?

216
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,928
- I don't get it. Why Pepe?
- Oh, Pepe's a name.

217
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:17,297
I think it's Mexican.

218
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:21,301
Jose, Rodrigo, Pepe.
Yeah, it's Mexican.

219
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:24,004
[ Earl Narrating ]
Papier-mâchéin'
turned into picnickin'.

220
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:27,307
For smelling like feet,
this cheese is pretty damn good.

221
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,544
I love you.
What?

222
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:34,114
[ Earl Narrating ]
Then our picnic somehow
turned into a relationship.

223
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:37,550
I don't ever want you
to think you're not good enough
for me again.

224
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:42,222
You're perfect for me.
My little butterfly flew away,
but he came back.

225
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,391
He came back.

226
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:48,161
[ Earl Narrating ]
And like a butterfly,
I too was trapped.

227
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:52,565
But instead of a net,
I was caught by a crazy girl
wiping her nose on me.

228
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,612
She told me she loves me.
What?

229
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,882
I was nice to her
like you told me to,
and she told me she loved me.

230
00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:11,418
She even rubbed her nose
against mine, real soft.

231
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,387
What'd that feel like?

232
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,556
It tickled for a second,
but then it itched.

233
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,126
You must have been
too nice to her.

234
00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,528
Too nice?
You didn't tell me how nice
to be to her.

235
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,264
You just told me to be nice.
She thinks we're back together.

236
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:28,368
Hey, Earl,
is there a condom machine
around here?

237
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:32,973
- No, Dirk.
- Hey, what are these?

238
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:37,310
- Shower caps.
- That could work.

239
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,580
Hey, Earl, you want me to tell
Natalie you're dead again?

240
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:44,251
You can't do that.
What am I supposed
to do then, huh?

241
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,154
I don't wanna hurt
her feelings, but how am I
supposed to get rid of her?

242
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,356
She's been kicked around
by men her whole life.

243
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,159
You have to give her
the power.
Let her break up with you.

244
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:55,495
She won't do that.
Thanks to you,
I'm her nature-hiking,

245
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:59,099
papier-mâchéing,
soft-nose-rubbing butterfly
in shining armor.

246
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:02,135
So change.
Be a bad boyfriend.

247
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:05,038
Bad boyfriend?
It's not that easy.

248
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,507
Being mean
goes against everything
I stand for these days.

249
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,079
Hey, Catalina,
the mouse catcher's full again.

250
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,381
[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew being a bad guy
was gonna be hard,

251
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:18,318
but since Catalina said
it was for Natalie's own good,
I gave it my all.

252
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,688
- Hey, look at
the pretty yellow flowers.
- Aw.

253
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:28,395
Happy Fourth of July!

254
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,432
Check it out.
I made your bust.

255
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,668
I upped you a cup.
You're welcome.

256
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,110
Aahh!

257
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:47,147
Excuse me.
[ Grunting ]

258
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,349
[ Belching ]

259
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:52,519
[ Zipper Unzipping ]
Honey, you think
it might be better...

260
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,487
to relieve yourself
a little farther away
from the blanket?

261
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:56,323
Nah.

262
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:01,028
[ Earl Narrating ]
This poor girl was so insecure,

263
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,562
there wasn't anything
she wouldn't put up with.

264
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:08,068
Did you throw away my junk?

265
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,637
[ Earl Narrating ]
Nothing worked,
and I was running out of ideas,

266
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:14,507
so Catalina agreed to help me
put an end to the whole thing
once and for all.

267
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:17,644
[ Earl ]
Come in.
Oh, yeah, mama!

268
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:21,048
- [ Grunting, Laughing ]
- Earl, what's going on?

269
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:25,418
Oh, just blowing off
a little steam,
having a good time.

270
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:28,188
Can't a guy
have a party around here
without getting hassled?

271
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,723
Pssh!
Get off my back.

272
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:34,394
[ Catalina Giggling ]
You're right, Earl.
Sorry for interrupting.

273
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,196
Just have fun and call me
when you're done.

274
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:41,234
"Call me when you're done"?
I'm in bed with another woman.

275
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,703
Don't you wanna slap me?
Do you want me to?

276
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:46,073
Oh!

277
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:48,141
Natalie, this is not working.

278
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,110
Remember when I said
it wasn't you, it was me?

279
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:53,146
Well, it's not me, it's you.
It's all you.

280
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,315
Earl--
No, no, no, no.
I'm done listening to you.

281
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,718
You're just as crazy
as she is.

282
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,455
The truth is, you're clingy,
you're a doormat,
you have no self-respect.

283
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,825
That's why guys wanna leave you.
They have to get away from you.

284
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,095
That's why I'm trying to
get you to break up with me now.

285
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:15,335
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe it is you,
because Dirk didn't think
I was a doormat.

286
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,105
He didn't wanna leave me.
He loved me for who I am.

287
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,510
[ Gasps ]

288
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,821
Hey, Earl.

289
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:37,324
Are there no other motels
in this town?

290
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:40,193
Well, that went well.

291
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,695
I know I was hard on her,
but she needed
to hear the truth.

292
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,365
And when she's over
being upset,

293
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:48,201
it's gonna make her
a better person
for the rest of her life.

294
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:51,204
[ Earl Narrating ]
As it turned out, the rest
of her life wasn't that long.

295
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:54,807
Sadly, Natalie's parents
told me she was
so distraught over yet...

296
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:58,211
another relationship ending
that she took her own life.

297
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:01,148
[ Woman Sobbing ]

298
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,554
[ All Gasping ]

299
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,792
Yes, yes, yes!
Who's the joke on now,
Earl Hickey?

300
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:15,295
- Who's the joke on now?
- Me?

301
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,631
That's right. Y-O-U.
How does it feel, huh?

302
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:21,801
- How does it feel
to think someone's dead?
- Crappy?

303
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:26,606
Crappy's right.
That's exactly how
you made me feel, Earl, twice.

304
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:30,143
[ Earl Narrating ]
It turned out that Catalina
and I were both kinda right.

305
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:33,680
By being honest with Natalie,
I made her mad.
[ Grunts ]

306
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,316
That anger gave her the idea
to fake her death,
and by doing that,

307
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:40,287
she finally got to leave
a relationship with the power
that Catalina said she needed.

308
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,190
Natalie had finally stood up
for herself,
and I admired her for that.

309
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:45,758
Although her parents
had a different opinion.

310
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:50,430
You could have at least told us
you were faking!

311
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,900
- It had to seem real, Mom.
Lighten up.
- [ Murmuring ]

312
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:56,736
Oh, she's alive!
[ Yelling ]

313
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:59,672
[ Earl Narrating ]
Clearly, Natalie had finally
found her backbone.

314
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:03,876
And as I had hoped,
it carried on past her funeral
and into the rest of her life.

315
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:07,214
Hey, Dirk, I'm still
getting your mail.

316
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,919
It's from the clinic.
Somebody got themselves
an S.T.D.

317
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:15,488
- I can deal with that.
- Turn the page.

318
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:23,530
Aw, crap!
Damn shower caps.

319
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:26,266
[ Earl Narrating ]
Her newfound confidence
even let her finally showcase...

320
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,235
her wet newspaper art
in a public setting.

321
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:44,651
[ Earl Narrating ]
And because I'd earned it,
karma finally let me find a pen.

322
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,543
It was nice to see Natalie
so happy, wasn't it?

323
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:13,613
Yeah. I'm glad
she's not dead anymore.

324
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:16,383
Being dead is definitely worse
than being alive.

325
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,451
When you're dead,
you can't do
all the cool stuff...

326
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,587
you can do
when you're alive.

327
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:24,291
You and I, we can do
all kinds of cool stuff,
cause we're living.

328
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,559
We're not dead.
We're alive.

329
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:29,496
If we were dead,
we wouldn't be able
to do all the cool stuff...

330
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,798
we can do
because we're alive.

331
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:34,267
Dead people
can't do cool stuff.

332
00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:37,904
Only people that are alive
can do cool stuff,
because they're living,

333
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,773
and you have to be living
to be able to do cool stuff.

334
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:44,277
You have to be alive.

335
00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:48,681
Yeah, except when you're alive,
sometimes bad stuff happens too.

336
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:51,918
Like, sometimes you can
get in a car wreck
or you can have a headache...

337
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:54,854
or twist your ankle
or even stub your big toe.

338
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:57,290
So being alive's
kinda hard too,

339
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,726
but I think it's definitely
better than being "a-dead."