1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,637 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,507 and then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:11,112 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me, 4 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,247 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 5 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,085 Karma. 6 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,220 That's when I realized I had to change. 7 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,391 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, 8 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,394 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 9 00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,329 I'm just tryin' to be a better person. 10 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,764 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,071 [ Earl Narrating ] Winning $100,000 in the lottery... 12 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:40,108 has opened the door to the finer things in life. 13 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:44,545 - Where have you been? - Food shoppin'. 14 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:48,182 - You got real Frosted Flakes. - No more generic Sweetie Bits for you, brother. 15 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,084 You're ridin' the karma train now. 16 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,753 Choo, choo. 17 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,823 [ Earl Narrating ] I like being able to afford nice things for my brother. 18 00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:58,559 But having money can create problems too. 19 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,794 That's my ex-wife Joy. 20 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:04,098 What do you think you're doing? 21 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,799 - Hi, Carolina. - Catalina. 22 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:10,104 Mmm, potato, tomato. So where does Earl keep his money? 23 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:12,106 Earl is my friend. I'm not gonna help you steal his money. 24 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,475 Oh, well, that's unfortunate for you, 25 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:18,412 because you are not the one standing with the freshly broken bottle, now, are you? 26 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,552 Well, this'll still hurt if I hit you with it. 27 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,820 Joy, I've told you a million times, 28 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:29,123 the money isn't in the room. 29 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,392 Stop breaking in here and messing the place up. Fine. 30 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:34,428 But if you get to eat fancy cereal, your kids should too. 31 00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:38,299 They're not my kids, Joy. 32 00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,202 That must have been very scary for you. 33 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,445 I can't live like this, Joy. 34 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,648 What do I need to do to get you to stop trying to steal my money? 35 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,717 Buy me a hot tub. 36 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,819 I'm not gonna buy you a hot tub. 37 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,155 I need my money to help me cross the things off my list. 38 00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:03,157 Hey, Earl, thanks for the flakes. 39 00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:05,393 No problem, Crab Man. 40 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,495 You and that stupid list of things you done bad to people-- 41 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:10,164 I better be on there somewhere. You are. 42 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:13,167 - There was a lot of things on here I did to you. - Like what? 43 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,903 - You want me to do one? - Well, what's on there? 44 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:18,739 - If I do one, will you leave me alone for a while? - Yeah, fine. What's on there? 45 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,576 All right, here's a good one. 46 00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:25,879 Number 153-- broke Joy's fancy figurine. 47 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,385 I found something. 48 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,759 [ Giggling ] 49 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:46,600 Beer bottle. I'll get a beer bottle. 50 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:52,706 - You're the one that broke my figurine? - I'm gonna make it up to you. 51 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:54,875 Are you now? Let me ask you a question. 52 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,645 What happens when you can't fix the bad thing you done to somebody? 53 00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:01,682 - What do you do then? - I guess I figure out another way to make it up to them. 54 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:04,918 - Like maybe buying them a hot tub? - I'm not buying you a hot tub. 55 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,955 I don't think you have a choice, 'cause that figurine was irreplaceable. 56 00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,658 It was a weird little princess riding a lawn mower. 57 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,361 Just tell me where you got it and I can buy you a new one. 58 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:16,430 Hey, Earl-- Temporary tattoos. You want 'em? 59 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:19,767 No, thanks, Crab Man. Make me itch. 60 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,370 I'll be back with your figurine. 61 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,739 Yeah, and I'll be buck naked behind the trailer, waitin' for my hot tub. 62 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:27,541 Come on, boys. Get up here and eat your spaghetti. 63 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:32,446 [ Earl Narrating ] Once I start doing something on my list, 64 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,782 I become obsessed with it until I cross it off. 65 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,851 I was even dreaming about that stupid figurine. 66 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:06,314 "Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers." 67 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:13,821 They're always jabbin' me, and it's easier to do this while you're sleepin'. 68 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,624 Thank God. I was startin' to worry they weren't growin'. 69 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,899 Ma'am? 70 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,402 I'm looking to get some information... 71 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:30,571 on a figurine with a princess riding a lawn mower... 72 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,606 that had your company's name on it. 73 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:36,377 Oh. You'll need to speak to Gertrude Balboa. 74 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:40,481 - Her office is through that door. - Thank you. 75 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,988 [ Hisses ] 76 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,859 Do you know when Mrs. Balboa will be in? 77 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:55,429 Hello. I'm Gertrude Balboa. 78 00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,731 How may I help you? 79 00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,933 Oh, well, what do you know? 80 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,902 It's a pleasure, Mrs. Balboa. 81 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,340 So, do you know what those figurines are? Of course. 82 00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,576 For over 40 years, 83 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,945 they've been first prize in mother/daughter beauty pageants. 84 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:14,348 How wonderful. 85 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:17,050 You see, I'm trying to replace one for my ex-wife, Joy Darville. 86 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,553 Joy Darville? [ Chuckles ] 87 00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:22,590 Adorable child. 88 00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:25,726 [ Applause ] I'm number one. I'm number one. 89 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,795 Of course, that was the year before... 90 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:31,799 Shelly Stoker and her mother started entering the pageant. 91 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:35,503 [ Applause, Whistles ] 92 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,805 This year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers... 93 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,441 Prettiest Pretty Princesses are... 94 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,510 Elaine Stoker and daughter Shelly. 95 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,513 [ Cheers, Applause ] 96 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,915 That began the reign of the Stokers. 97 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:50,083 Joy never won again. 98 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,922 She only got one figurine, and I blew it up. Damn! 99 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:57,891 - Language. - Sorry. 100 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:03,096 Look. I need to make up for something terrible I did. Can I buy a figurine? 101 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,533 Oh, out of the question. 102 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,101 See, the only way to get one... 103 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:12,840 is to be crowned Prettiest Pretty Princess. 104 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:16,810 Ow! Earl, you gotta touch this thing. It's really hot. 105 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,012 [ Earl Narrating ] Since Gertrude wouldn't sell us a figurine, 106 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:23,083 we tracked down the only other person we knew that had one-- Shelly Stoker. 107 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:26,086 I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville. 108 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,022 I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years. 109 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:34,562 So, do you think I can buy a figurine from you? 110 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,698 Now, what kind of example would that set for Candy if I sold you one? 111 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,867 If you do not put that book down, I don't know what. 112 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,071 Candy's gonna win her very first figurine... 113 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,173 at the 46th annual Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers... 114 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,443 Prettiest Pretty Pageant next week. 115 00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,779 Not if we can't find someone to help us with our talent portion. 116 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:54,147 My mom's boyfriend broke up with her. 117 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:56,584 - Watch your tongue, Little Miss Mouthy. - Yesterday. 118 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,619 I broke up with him. You can't rely on men. 119 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,088 My mother told me that, but did I listen? 120 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:04,224 - No. I bet you're not reliable. - Not really. 121 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:07,127 No man is. We're all alone. 122 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,797 We're all alone in this world. 123 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,204 I'm sorry, Shelly. We didn't mean to cause any trouble. 124 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:23,076 - How tall are you? - 6'1"... and a half. 125 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,846 If you'd be willing to help us out with our talent, 126 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,015 we might be able to work something out with that figurine. 127 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,051 No problem. What's your talent? 128 00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:36,557 Oh, man. You gotta let me try that. 129 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:39,059 Do not let him try that. 130 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,039 How come you never told me you won a beauty contest? 131 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,742 Every day I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest. 132 00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:57,911 Did you get me my hot tub yet? 133 00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,047 Better. I'm gonna get you a Prettiest Pretty figurine. 134 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,082 You can't buy those, Earl. 135 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,251 No, but you can win 'em. 136 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:07,655 Oh, yeah? What, you and your mama gonna enter the next pageant? 137 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:10,658 What you gonna do, put your mustache in pigtails? 138 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,160 I'm gonna help Shelly Stoker and her daughter with their talent, 139 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,863 and when they win, they're gonna let me keep the figurine. 140 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,699 I don't want the damn figurine. I want my hot tub. 141 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,669 Now, I'm the one on your list. You have to listen to me. 142 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,171 What's on my list is, I broke a little girl's beauty pageant prize, 143 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,139 and I'm gonna give that little girl her prize back. 144 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,275 Okay, well, that little girl is gone now, 145 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:31,278 and the woman that took her place wants to sit and drink rum in 106-degree water. 146 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:34,147 - Sorry. Soon as I get you that figurine-- - [ Mouthing Words ] 147 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:37,017 I'm crossin' you off. Well-- 148 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,320 Well, what if you don't win? 149 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,190 Hmm? See, 'cause I been thinkin' about getting back into the pageant business, 150 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:46,927 and if I win the figurine myself, then you can't cross me off. 151 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,997 You know, that'd be great if, uh, you had a daughter. 152 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:53,601 You don't know. I might be pregnant with a little girl right now. 153 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:57,004 - The pageant's next week, not in nine months. - That'll make her the cutest, 154 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:01,074 tiniest daughter in the whole pageant, now, won't it? 155 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:05,579 Give it up, Joy. You're not gettin' a hot tub. You're gettin' a figurine. 156 00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:09,082 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew there was no way we could lose. 157 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,785 Shelly told me the Stoker women had a gift-- 158 00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:15,989 a gift that was passed down from generation to generation of Stoker women. 159 00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,659 [ Crowd Chattering ] 160 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:39,747 I have to admit, it was impressive. 161 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:42,650 Candy, come on. It's your turn to practice. 162 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,819 Finally. Let's see our little Stoker break out the gift. 163 00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:48,321 - I don't have the gift. - Excuse me? 164 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:51,058 Don't worry. She practices with rubber knives. 165 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:57,064 [ Grunts ] 166 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,670 [ Grunting ] 167 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,339 Uh, h-how many days until the competition? 168 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:10,310 Three, right? That's starting to seem a little short. 169 00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:12,680 You are not even trying. 170 00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:15,683 If we are gonna win this pageant, you have got to use your talent. 171 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,885 God made some of us super pretty, 172 00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,987 and some of us knife throwers. 173 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:23,824 Now, believe in the gift. You are a Stoker. 174 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,361 Maybe she can just twirl a baton or something? 175 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:32,265 You need a game situation. Real knives with a real person. 176 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:36,169 That is the only way you're gonna reach inside of yourself and grab hold of the gift. 177 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,872 [ Stammering ] You know, I'd like to go home now, actually. 178 00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,841 - [ Moans ] - Do it, Candy. 179 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:44,077 Now! Throw them now, now, now! 180 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,179 Throw them, Candy! Throw them! 181 00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,381 [ Sharp Grunts ] 182 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:57,324 Oh! Baby has the gift. 183 00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,693 She has the gift. You have the gift. 184 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:02,395 I'm gonna go call Grandma. 185 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,965 Whoa. 186 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,400 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was risking my life... 187 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,037 trying to win the mother/daughter pageant, 188 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,439 Joy was trying to find a way to enter. 189 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,875 You're too little. 190 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,845 Too tall. 191 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:21,248 My God. Too many damn freckles. [ Chuckles ] 192 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:24,151 And you're cute, but you just don't have that "it" factor. 193 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,755 - And how old are you? - Seven. 194 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:30,157 Open your mouth. 195 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,795 What do you think you're doing? 196 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,897 I'm adopting. 197 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,966 [ Earl Narrating ] Now, with me not around, 198 00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:42,402 Randy took advantage of a little alone time with Catalina. 199 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:45,105 Two jacks. That's war. No, no, no, Catalina. 200 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:48,475 In this country, that's called "truce," 201 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,778 and we hug. 202 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,184 We're a peaceful nation. 203 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,953 You were amazing today. There's no way we can lose this thing. 204 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:02,389 Uh-huh. 205 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,524 We're just lucky you realized you had the gift in time. 206 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,994 I've known since I was two. 207 00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:09,930 [ Buzzing ] 208 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:13,233 I never told my mom 'cause I don't want to do stupid beauty pageants. 209 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,504 Well, have you told her you think they're stupid? 210 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,840 No. She'd just get mad. 211 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,075 She wants me to be just like her. 212 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:25,078 But I like school. I want to be a doctor someday. 213 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,449 Candy-- 214 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:32,052 There are too many doctors in the world, 215 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,421 and if I don't get that figurine, 216 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:36,489 I have to buy my ex-wife a hot tub, 217 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:39,026 and hot tubs cost a lot of cake. 218 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:42,095 So you need to listen to your mother. 219 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:45,198 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was making sure Candy stayed focused, 220 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,868 Joy was making her last attempts at getting into the pageant. 221 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:51,038 Mama, I don't have a daughter. That's why I need you to enter it with me. 222 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:56,243 Well, fine. All that smoking turned your skin to leather anyway. 223 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,947 [ Beeps ] Like Shelly's family were knife throwers for generations, 224 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,182 Joy's family were smokers-- 225 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,217 And that gave Joy an idea. 226 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,422 [ Indistinct Conversations ] 227 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,292 Hello. Hi. 228 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:14,828 Uh, do you know what order we're gonna go in? 229 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:17,130 'Cause I don't want to get in my sequined jumpsuit just yet. 230 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,568 What are you doing here? 231 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:24,004 I came to take home one figurine and one hot tub. 232 00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:29,877 Me and my dead mama's ashes would like to enter the pageant, please. 233 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:35,148 Baby, I know you don't smoke, but you're gonna have to pick up the pace. 234 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:44,291 Unfortunately, there was no rule that said that both mother and daughter had to be alive. 235 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:47,027 There's a cigarette butt in here. 236 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,899 Well, that makes sense. That's what took her. 237 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,976 [ Earl Narrating ] Never having been to a beauty pageant before, 238 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:06,079 I gotta tell you, they put on quite a show. 239 00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:08,315 I even got to meet a hometown celebrity. 240 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,483 [ Man On P.A. ] Welcome to the 46th annual Balboa & Sons... 241 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:14,421 mother/daughter Prettiest Pretty Princess Pageant. 242 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,456 Here's your emcee for the evening. 243 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:18,425 You know him from TV's Son of the Beach, 244 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:21,361 and he was recently robbed of a spot on Dancin' with the Stars, 245 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:25,065 Mr. Tim Stack! [ Cheers, Applause ] 246 00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:44,351 [ Earl Narrating ] But it wasn't all lights and superstars. 247 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:47,054 Competition quickly took over. 248 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,489 [ Audience Cheering ] 249 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,624 Aren't they lovely, folks? 250 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,693 The model number on those mowers... 251 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,997 is 5-5-4, "Z" as in zebra. 252 00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,601 Now let's welcome to the stage Joy Darville... 253 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:05,238 and the lovely but no longer with us Mother Darville. 254 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,240 [ Cheers, Applause ] 255 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:14,181 [ Stack ] Joy hails from Camden County, 256 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:17,250 where she enjoys feeding, sheltering and cleaning the poor. 257 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,098 Those are your bathing suits? Are you kiddin' me? 258 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,566 If we're gonna win this thing, you guys gotta show a little more skin. 259 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,403 Relax. It's all gonna come down to the talent. 260 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,471 Besides, I can't wear a bikini. 261 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,507 Somebody couldn't find her way out of Mommy, 262 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,642 so I had to mutilate my stomach with a C-section. 263 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,678 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy knew she couldn't compete with knife throwing, 264 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,547 but she wasn't going down without a fight. 265 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,194 [ Mouthing Words ] 266 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:16,543 [ Earl Narrating ] Everyone was touched. 267 00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,746 And to make sure no one could claim her dead mother didn't actually participate, 268 00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:22,482 Joy brought her into the act. 269 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,456 [ Applause ] 270 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:37,097 The Darvilles, everybody. The Darvilles. 271 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,566 [ Earl Narrating ] The audience really sparked to Joy, 272 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:44,704 but I was confident a pair of knife-throwing dynamos would lead us to victory. 273 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:48,541 Winning this pageant is gonna be the beginning of great things for us. 274 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:51,444 After we win, we're gonna tour the country, just like my mother and I did. 275 00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:54,581 You'll be the Prettiest Pretty in every county. How will I go to school? 276 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,217 I'll home-school you. I'll teach you everything you need to know about winning. 277 00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:00,253 Mom, I wanna be a doctor someday. 278 00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:03,656 Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy. 279 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,126 I'll go get our knives. 280 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,631 [ Earl Narrating ] It was right then that I realized what I had to do. 281 00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:15,568 As much as I wanted to win that figurine and cross Joy off my list, 282 00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:18,471 it wasn't right to hurt this little girl to do it. 283 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,673 Candy? Yeah? 284 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:25,178 - I want you to hit me with the knife. - What? 285 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,347 Hit me in the leg. 286 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,849 It's the only way your nut-job mother is gonna let you off the hook. 287 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,252 You gotta lose. 288 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,587 But then we won't get the figurine, 289 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,656 and you're gonna have to buy your ex-wife a hot tub-- 290 00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,591 And hot tubs cost a lot of cake. 291 00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,693 It's okay. 292 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,796 Besides, when I'm old I might need a doctor, 293 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,133 and I'd like that doctor to be you. 294 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,736 Thanks, Earl. 295 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:52,372 But won't it hurt if I throw a knife in your leg? 296 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:55,308 Aw, don't worry about it. I been stabbed by plenty of girls. 297 00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:59,612 Only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out, and stick it back in. 298 00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,249 All right! Let's welcome to the stage... 299 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,552 the amazing talents of Shelly and Candy Stoker. 300 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,691 [ Audience Applauds ] 301 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,456 [ Gasping, Murmuring ] 302 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,463 [ Applause ] 303 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,750 - [ Audience Gasps ] - [ Groaning ] 304 00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:20,293 [ Earl Narrating ] As happy as her little face was, all I could think about... 305 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:23,763 was being stabbed was much more painful than I remembered. 306 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:27,267 Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers... 307 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,237 Prettiest Pretty Princesses are... 308 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:33,240 Joy Darville and cremated Mother Darville. 309 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,616 [ Earl Narrating ] By taking that knife in the leg, 310 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:47,354 not only did I help one little girl's dream to be a doctor, 311 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,656 I also brought back the little girl in Joy. 312 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:54,927 When I broke that figurine, I broke more... 313 00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:59,232 than a ceramic little girl riding a 487 side-discharged, self-mulching lawn mower. 314 00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:02,869 I had taken away a proud memory from Joy's childhood. 315 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:05,838 And whether she knew it or not, that was more important to her than a hot tub. 316 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,940 [ Joy's Voice ] I got it on my own. 317 00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,710 You still owe me a hot tub, you idiot. 318 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:13,480 [ Earl Narrating ] I could have told her she didn't do it on her own, 319 00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:18,017 but then I would have taken away her victory, and I didn't want to do that. 320 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,854 Besides, it doesn't matter if Joy thinks I can cross her off my list or not. 321 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,957 All that matters is that I know I can. 322 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,373 Come on, Earl. I'm not gonna be able to sleep. 323 00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:42,675 Randy-- Just listen. I'm only missing one. 324 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:45,044 [ Sighs ] Fine. 325 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:50,350 There was Hannibal, B.A., Faceman, and-- 326 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:52,385 Murdock. 327 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,021 Yeah. Murdock. 328 00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,023 Now turn the lamp off and go to sleep. 329 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,364 What was the monkey's name in B.J. and the Bear? 330 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,466 Randy.