You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Chattering ]
All right, everybody.
The competition starts in two minutes. Two minutes.
Get your spot.
You know the rules. Competitor puts their hand on the car.
If at any point in time they take their hand off the car, they're out.
You can't come between us. We're Chinese twins. Yeah.
[ Earl Narrating ] So why am I trying to win a car...
when I already have a perfectly good 1973 El Camino...
with a 1977 door and a 1987 Camaro transmission?
Well, it's not for me. It's for the list.
Number 74-- always ruined Joy's Christmas.
When Joy and I were married, I wasn't exactly thoughtful with my gift-givin'.
What are these for? Whatever you want, baby.
- How are these for me? - They're flavored. Merry Christmas.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Wait. These are my keys. - I know. I found 'em.
Do we have to give this car to Joy if we win?
We could use a new car ourselves. You know, one to do stunts with.
Randy, I didn't give her a real Christmas gift for six years.
- I gotta give her something big to make up for that. - But she already has a car.
Excuse me, ma'am. Thank you.
[ Thunder Rumbling ] [ Earl Narrating ] Joy did already have a car.
Wipe your feet before you come in, boys.
But it wasn't very practical for the whole family.
All right, one minute. One minute till the competition begins.
Earl.
- Randy. - Catalina, where have you been?
I had... to blow...
off work.
Well, hurry in here. This thing's about to start.
[ Catalina ] Excuse me. Excuse me. Permiso.
[ Man ] We were here first. [ Woman ] Yeah.
I'm on.
I'm Johnny Bubble Wrap, pop, pop, pop, poppin' with ya live...
at our hands on a car competition.
- Who wants to win a car? - [ Cheering ]
All right, everybody. Hands on the car.
Three, two, one.
Don't let go.
Thanks for doing this with me, Randy.
If we work together as a team, keep an eye on each other,
make sure we stay alert, I think we can win this.
Let's do it. Yep.
[ Buzzer ] You're out!
No, no, no. I was just shakin' his hand.
- I didn't mean to. - Oh. You're out!
Yeah. You're out, buddy.
You are out. [ Laughs ] [ Buzzer ]
Damn it.
This sucks. What am I gonna do now?
Don't worry, Earl. Me and Catalina are here. We're gonna win.
- [ Man Grunts ] - Thanks, Randy.
Keep your hand on the roof.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy was keeping his hand on the car for me,
I thought I'd take care of another thing on my list.
You see, Joy wasn't the only person I disappointed when it came to Christmas presents.
[ Both Chuckling ]
- Earl, did you finish putting the boys' bikes together? - Uh-huh.
There better be some of that beer left for Christmas mornin'.
We should go on a beer run. Are we okay to drive?
I know a good way to find out.
If I can steer that remote control car around the living room without crashing,
then we're okay.
Randy, that's the cat.
- [ Meows ] - We shouldn't drive.
[ Chuckles ]
That's when I realized we might be too drunk to drive,
but we weren't too drunk to pedal.
Although I learned a valuable lesson that night.
If you're gonna try to fly a bicycle,
you better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a 12-pack of beer.
[ Bike Horn Honks ] [ Crash ]
[ Distorted Horn Honks ]
Well, I guess you two weren't good enough this year, huh?
That's a shame.
[ Bicycle Bell Rings ] [ Distorted Horn Honks ]
Knowin' I owed these poor kids a couple of bikes,
I went over to ask Joy what color they might like.
Hello? Earl!
Son of a bitch. [ Laughs ]
Buzz and Connie Darville. Joy's parents.
Good people. Business owners.
Hi. We're the Darvilles. Of Darville's Waterbeds in Medford.
If you can find a cheaper place in Medford to buy a water bed,
well, you're not in Medford, because we're the only water bed store.
So come on down if you wanna sleep on water.
[ Together ] You don't have any other choice.
[ Announcer ] Darville Waterbeds,
where Route 2 meets the railroad tracks.
Look for the big blue sign, go two miles south, make a left,
and park behind the Dumpster.
- Buzz, Connie. - You're back.
- I'm what? - Welcome home, soldier.
[ Joy ] You're back.
Oh, my God! You're back. [ Chuckles ]
You're back from Iraq, home for the holidays.
Back from the war in Iraq.
I prayed you'd come home safely, Son.
You bring any of that Middle East sand with you?
Check your shoes, Son. 'Cause you can sell that stuff on the Internet.
I bought a towel from one of Saddam's bathrooms.
Had a dove on it. You believe that? A dove.
- That hypocritical son of a bitch. - Son of a bitch.
[ Chuckles ] Mama, Daddy,
he's been gone for months, and a wife has her needs,
so if y'all will excuse us.
- Take me to the bedroom. - What?
Take me to the bedroom.
- Go on, Son. You-- You've earned it. - Thanks.
What the hell is goin' on? Why are your parents still callin' me "Son"?
- They think we're still married. - What?
Shh.
You know how traditional my parents are.
If they found out I got divorced and married to a black man, they'd crap in a sock.
They think of me as their little angel. Now come on.
Help me slosh around on the water bed and make it sound like we're doin' it.
[ Earl Narrating ] This isn't the first time...
Joy's asked me to lie to her parents about Darnell.
She'd made me do it when we were married and she had his baby.
You know how, uh, sometimes two, uh, black people...
will make an albino baby?
Yeah. I've seen that at the mall. That is weird.
You been away too long. Too long.
Wait. Why is your mother in a wheelchair?
It's been a rough year. She got rheumatoid arthritis and kidney failure.
Has to get dialysis twice a week, poor thing.
[ Water Sloshing ] Oh, yeah. Give it to me, Earl.
Give it to me like you gave it to those terrorists. Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't mind you being that passionate sometimes.
Her legs work.
I'm not gonna do this, Joy. I got my list now.
I'm trying to be a better person.
I'm not gonna lie to a woman in a wheelchair.
Earl, if Daddy finds out about Darnell, I won't get a penny in his will.
He found out I was gonna go on a date with a black guy in high school,
and he threatened to take away all my white blue jeans.
Darnell's okay with this? He doesn't care that his wife's father is a racist?
Darnell is fine with it. Not everybody is tryin' to change the world, Earl.
Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a water bed business...
when our parents kick the bucket.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Darnell was fine with it.
While Joy's parents were in town, he was staying at a nativity scene...
down at the local church since there wasn't room for him at his own double-wide inn.
- I can't lie to 'em, Joy. It's bad karma. - Karma this, dummy.
If you tell them the truth, they'll both get in their R.V. and drive home.
- That's not my problem. - You're gonna ruin Christmas, Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] She had me.
The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas.
So the next few days, I pretended Joy and I were still married.
What's it like fightin' over there in the desert?
Well, Buzz, it's a lot like the beach.
Except the sharks have guns, and they're runnin' around on the sand shootin' at ya...
and yellin' in a fish language you don't understand.
It-- It got to me.
He's my hero.
Oh, honey. Yes, he is.
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd take the day shift,
and Darnell would sneak back in for the night shift.
Thanks, Earl. It's cold outside in that manger. I don't know how Jesus did it.
No problem, Crab Man. I'll be back in the morning.
- Put a beer can in the window when it's safe to come in. - Okay.
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was busy making sure I didn't ruin Joy's Christmas,
Randy was keeping his hand on that car...
so I could cross her off for ruinin' the last six.
[ Earl Narrating ] After a few days, time took its toll,
and there were only three people left-- and one of them was gettin' tired.
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Screaming ] [ Buzzer ]
- You're out. - Damn it.
We did it, Catalina. We won. Joy's gonna get her car.
Joy? I'm not doing this for Joy. I hate Joy.
B-But I-- I thought we were doing this together. You know, like a team.
I never said that. When I win this car, I'm keeping it.
But Catalina, winning this car for Joy...
is my Christmas present to Earl.
This is for a family at Christmas.
- You know, feliz "naviblah." - That means nothing.
To you, maybe, but in American that means Christmas in Mexican.
Joy and her dad had taken the boys to the mall,
so it was the perfect time to sneak their new bikes into the trailer.
Joy's mom was home, but I was confident she could keep a secret.
[ Connie ] Go, go, go! Yes, go, yes, go!
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Go, go, go, go!
Atta baby! Go, baby! Go, baby, go, baby! Go, go, go, go.
Oh, damn-- it.
Hey.
Turns out Connie had a secret of her own.
- You can walk. - Oh, my God.
- Is that what I'm doing? - Were you gambling?
Fine. Damn it. I've got a gambling problem, okay?
Not all of us can be lucky enough to get our thrills...
from going off and killing bad people.
- Don't you judge me. - No, I-I'm not judging you. I--
I'm just a little surprised, that's all. So you're not sick?
I fake dialysis so Buzz doesn't know I go to the track.
He thinks we get a 10% discount if I pay the doctor in cash.
Buzz, give me a thousand dollars. I gotta go in for dialysis.
Again? You just went this morning. Yeah.
My kidney's really flarin' up today.
Let me take you. Just give me the grand.
Post time's in 20 minutes. Post time?
I don't have time to explain medical terms to you.
My kidney's failin'.
I understand the kidney stuff to explain the money and the time to go gamble.
But why the wheelchair? Seems unnecessary.
I sprained my ankle a few months ago, and I got used to being pushed around.
- Don't you judge me. - No, I'm not--
- [ Car Horn Honks ] - [ Connie ] Oh, my God. Is that them?
Oh, my God. Earl, please don't tell. They're gonna be so mad.
You're not gonna let 'em know, are you? It'll ruin Christmas.
You don't want to ruin Christmas, do you, Earl?
[ Earl Narrating ] The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Earl Groans ]
Her favorite song came on the radio, and she really wanted to dance.
[ Snapping Fingers ]
While I was busy keeping everyone's secrets,
Randy and Catalina were battling it out for the car.
For a woman who spent four days on a raft to get to America,
Catalina was surprisingly sensitive to the sun.
Catalina?
Papa?
No, Catalina. It's me, your friend Randy.
I don't know where the goat went, Papa.
You bastard. When a woman faints, you catch her.
When a woman faints, she doesn't keep her hand on the car.
Damn. My elbow's bleeding. I hit a rock.
And this is my favorite elbow.
Don't show me blood. I-- I can't see blood.
Why? Do you have a problem with blood?
[ Groans ]
- [ Buzzer ] - You're out!
We got a winner.
Well, congratulations. We have a lot of paperwork to fill out.
You wanna start by giving me your Social Security number?
My what?
Your Social Security number.
Of course.
4-2...
1-3-6-7-8...
2-5-7-6...
8-14-11-6.
Six. You a citizen?
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Catalina had a secret of her own.
Randy won the car by default.
Everything was fallin' into place.
[ Gasps ]
Hey--
Hey, Connie. Where are you goin'?
To the Indian casino. I have to gamble, Earl. I have a problem.
Don't judge me. What--
But that's Joy's Christmas gift.
[ Starter Cranking ]
Where's the car?
At the Indian casino. I lost it.
How could you lose the car?
Place your bets. Place your bets.
Dodge Neon on number seven.
Dodge Neon.
- Dodge Neon plays. - Yes.
I can't believe you lost my car. That car was for Joy.
- I was gonna give it to her for Christmas. - Don't you judge me.
Come on. It's been 20 minutes. It's my turn.
No, it hasn't. I been counting. You said we'd share.
Maybe you can go out to the dealership in the morning...
and get a new one, you know?
I think they give discounts to soldiers.
Connie? You're walkin'.
It's a Christmas miracle.
[ Door Opens ]
Mama, where's your wheelchair?
Connie, what's goin' on?
I'm done, Connie.
Oh. Okay. I have a gambling problem.
My kidneys are fine. I been using the dialysis money to go gamble.
I've lost everything. Don't judge me.
Whoa, whoa-- Wait, wait. What-- What do you mean everything?
Remember when I told you to sign the business over to me in case something bad happened?
Something bad happened. Mama found on-line Pai Gow.
That business was gonna be mine.
How could you do this to the family? How--
How could you lie right to our faces?
Baby, we got any orange soda?
- Oh, my God, it's a Negro. Quick, we're bein' robbed! - I got him.
- Earl! Grab his feet, Son. - Let him go, Buzz.
Help me hold him till the cops get here, Son.
Stop callin' me "Son," okay? I'm not your son.
I can't do this anymore.
- He's your son. - What?
I'm your son.
You are?
You Thelma's boy?
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Buzz had a secret of his own.
Joy was wrong. Her father didn't hate black people.
He loved 'em.
[ Giggling ]
- How'd you find me? - Well, he is your son.
Look at his ears. He's got white people ears.
My God. He is not your son.
He's my husband, you idiot.
- I didn't tell you 'cause I thought you were racist. - I'm not racist.
Why'd you flip out when I wanted to go out with that black guy in high school?
Because... that particular black guy was your half-brother.
- One of 'em. - You lyin' son of a bitch.
Well, ain't that the pot callin' the kettle black.
I'm a black pot, am I? That'd turn you on, wouldn't it, buster?
You wanna do it to a black pot? You wanna dance, Mr. Kettle?
[ Earl Narrating ] They argued like this for the rest of the night,
each one of 'em thinking that the other's secret was worse than their own.
But eventually, morning came,
and when the sun came up and the creatures started to stir,
well, they had to stop.
* Have a holly jolly Christmas
* It's the best time of the year *
* I don't know if there'll be snow *
* But have a cup of cheer
[ Earl Narrating ] And before you knew it, the fightin' was over.
Sure, they all had secrets-- big ones.
But the truth is, the only reason everybody was keepin' their secrets...
was 'cause they didn't want to lose each other.
Now that they had nothin' to hide, they could just relax and enjoy Christmas.
And that meant Joy had the best Christmas she's ever had.
I could cross her off my list.
* ...kiss her once for me
* Have a holly jolly Christmas
* And in case you didn't hear
* Oh, by golly have a holly jolly Christmas this year *
Hey, Earl? Yeah, Randy?
What's your favorite Christmas gift you ever got?
Probably my Stretch Armstrong Stretch Monster. You?
Weeble wobbles.
- Earl? - Yeah?
I was the one who cut open your Stretch Armstrong Stretch Monster...
to see what was inside.
I know, Randy.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.