1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,737
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,674
and then wonders why
his life sucks?

3
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:11,112
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

4
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,247
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

5
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,051
Karma.

6
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,187
That's when I realized
I had to change.

7
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,391
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

8
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,360
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

9
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,329
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

10
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,631
My name is Earl.

11
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,604
* Come on, feet
Start movin' *

12
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,506
* Got to get me there *

13
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,475
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy and I usually
avoid exercise at all costs,

14
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:43,377
but sometimes there's
no way around it.

15
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,413
[ Bird Shrieks ]

16
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,482
[ Grunting ]

17
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,485
[ Panting ]

18
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:54,355
Can we take another break?
I'm having trouble...

19
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,557
getting air into my mouth
and down to my stomach.

20
00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:02,563
[ Earl Narrating ]
Running out of gas
was karma telling me...

21
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,299
it's time to do
number 62 on my list.

22
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,501
A while back,
Randy and I came across...

23
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:11,139
the only car
on the trailer park
without a locking gas cap.

24
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:15,143
For about a month
before I won the lottery
and stopped stealing,

25
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:18,279
that Yugo was like
our own personal Texaco.

26
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:25,119
[ Earl Narrating ]
The first time we did it,
we used garbage bags.

27
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,255
Oh!

28
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,358
Then we found out gas
eats through garbage bags.

29
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:32,560
Oh!

30
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:35,596
Eventually, we learned
to put it in cans,
which we still had.

31
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:38,499
So we filled 'em up
and headed over
to the trailer park...

32
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,535
to return the gas
and cross it off the list.
Hey, Crab Man.

33
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,904
Hey, Earl.
What you doin'?

34
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:48,176
Just looking for
a car I stole gas from.
What's with all the magazines?

35
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:51,445
Joy found my stash
of Classy Ass and she's
making me get rid of them.

36
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,182
Man, that's a lot
of Classy Ass.

37
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,217
I bet that's even more
than the president has.

38
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,620
- Hey, dummy.
- [ Both ]
Hey.

39
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:02,223
Darnell, I'm missin'
February '04
from this stack.

40
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,325
You better not
be hidin' it.

41
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,927
It's behind
the pretend fireplace.
I'll go get it.

42
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,297
Darnell, I don't know
why you want to look...

43
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,899
at that Miss February tramp
anyway when you got
all this right here.

44
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:14,768
Darnell, you better look
at my boobs when I'm
talkin' about 'em.

45
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,806
Let's go.
[ Whispering ]
Come on!

46
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:21,209
[ Laughing ]

47
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,413
[ Vacuum Whirring ]

48
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,328
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you
for a second?

49
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,863
I don't vote, I already
have a religion,
and I hate whales.

50
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,299
No, no.
It's about your car.

51
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:48,969
My name's Earl Hickey,
and I stole gas from you.
I never stole gas from you.

52
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,505
No, I stole your gas.

53
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:55,509
Look, I have a list--
Will you please
turn that thing off?

54
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:58,412
[ Squeaking ]

55
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,681
Give it to me.
Okay?

56
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,483
[ Whirring Stops ]

57
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,753
There. See? Nice.
Now we can talk.

58
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:09,590
Hey! Hey!
Hey, what are you doing
with my garment pins?

59
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,560
- Put my pins back!
- I wasn't gonna keep 'em.

60
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:14,828
I'm just playin'
Daddy Long Fingers.

61
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:17,765
Hey, calm down!
Put the-- Put the rock down!

62
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,468
Look, see,
I have this list--

63
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:23,671
And you want me
to sponsor you
by donating a dollar.

64
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,540
What? No.
What I was gonna say is--
You need directions.

65
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:29,310
I don't have time.
I have a list
of bad things I've done.

66
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:32,012
That rug is very dirty
'cause it's gray.
I should've got the brown one.

67
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,316
That's the color of dirt,
but I wasn't thinkin'.
I siphoned gas from you!

68
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:40,754
When?
About this time
last year.

69
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,991
But I'm bringin'
the gas back, see? Randy,
start unloading the gas.

70
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,828
I did you wrong, but now
I'm makin' up for it.

71
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,566
So, do you forgive me?
Can I cross you off
my list?

72
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,502
Fine. Whatever.

73
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,437
Thank you.

74
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:08,582
[ Brakes Squeaking ]

75
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,951
Man, that guy
was annoying, huh?

76
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:14,021
Kinda like when you bite
the inside of your cheek,
and it swells up,

77
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,824
and you keep bitin' it
and bitin' it and bitin' it.

78
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,593
- Your cheek still
hurtin' you, Earl?
- Yeah, a little.

79
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:22,696
Thanks for askin'.

80
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,533
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Man ]
Get out of the road!

81
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,502
- What the hell?
- [ Woman ]
Moron!

82
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:36,444
What are you doin'?

83
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:39,313
I'm gonna get hit by a car.
I'm killing myself.

84
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,682
Is it because you're annoying?
I bet it's because
you're annoying.

85
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,751
It's because if you hadn't
been stealing my gas,

86
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,286
- I'd be dead already.
- What are you talkin' about?

87
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,723
[ Earl Narrating ]
It ends up...

88
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,092
the month Randy and I
kept stealin' gas...

89
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:55,896
was the same month this guy
kept tryin' to kill himself
with car exhaust.

90
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,637
[ Engine Stalls ]

91
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,809
[ Earl Narrating ]
Only he never had
enough gas to do it.

92
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:19,620
[ Engine Sputtering ]

93
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,590
[ Earl Narrating ] Even though
he got close, the car always
died before he did.

94
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:24,525
[ Engine Stalls ]

95
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,662
Ah, nuts!

96
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,869
[ Earl Narrating ]
After a couple weeks,
he finally gave up.

97
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:39,339
Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!
Nuts! Nuts!

98
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,012
Do you know how many times
I've vomited without getting
the benefit of dying?

99
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:48,015
Seven? No, eight.
Forty-seven?

100
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:51,585
[ Sputtering ]

101
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:54,422
This entire time I think
that God is intervening
and saving me...

102
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,691
for something real special,
but instead I'm just getting
screwed by a couple of thieves.

103
00:05:57,725 --> 00:06:00,528
Maybe God was saving you
to be screwed by thieves.

104
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:03,096
And when there was only
one set of footsteps,

105
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:06,534
maybe God was carrying you--
to be screwed by thieves.

106
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:09,637
Randy. Can we just talk
about what you're doin'?
I mean, there's--

107
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,039
A law against killing myself?
Yeah, I don't really care.

108
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:15,042
What are they gonna do,
give me a ticket when I'm dead?

109
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,845
There's a car coming.
You gotta move.
"No kidding, officer.

110
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,980
- It's easy to remain
silent, cause I'm dead!"
- A car is coming!

111
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,853
I'm killing myself,
and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

112
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,590
[ Car Approaches ]

113
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:39,399
- Nuts!
- [ Horn Honking ]

114
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,903
[ Honking Continues ]

115
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:47,107
It's fine, Earl.
The carpet will protect him.

116
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:49,877
Randy, I think we need
to help this guy.
I say we don't.

117
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,513
You already crossed him
off your list.
I saw you do it.

118
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:55,583
We don't have to help him.
We don't technically
have to help him.

119
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,085
But we can't just walk away.
What are we supposed to do,

120
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,454
- stand here and watch him
get run over?
- [ Horn Honks ]

121
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:03,123
No, I don't want to see it.
But if we get in our car...

122
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,626
and hear a thump and a scream,
that's none of our business.

123
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,761
I'm sorry, Randy.
I can't explain it.

124
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,564
This whole list thing
has me feelin' things
I've never felt before.

125
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:13,567
I can't just walk away
from the guy.
Then let's run, Earl.

126
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,869
Let's run away from him.
We could make it a race.
It'll be fun.

127
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:19,006
Look, he's not that bad.

128
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:22,843
[ Air Brakes Hiss ]
Hey, buddy,
today's your lucky day.

129
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,045
I'm gonna help you find
a reason to live.

130
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,981
[ Sneezes, Coughs ]

131
00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:34,888
You know, uh, most people
cover their mouths
when they do that.

132
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,695
[ Earl Narrating ]
Findin' someone
a reason to live...

133
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:45,699
isn't something I've ever
had to do before, especially
someone I hardly knew.

134
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,968
So, suicide guy--

135
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,638
Philo.

136
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:53,674
Philo, uh, why do you
want to kill yourself?

137
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,009
'Cause I don't have a job,
I don't have any friends,

138
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:59,179
I live in a trailer
with no heat, I fail at
everything, and my feet hurt.

139
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,550
You ever try
different shoes?

140
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,484
I gotta go tinkle.

141
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:11,191
"Tinkle." That is so stupid.
I wonder what he calls
goin' ploppies.

142
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:14,962
Man, that guy is a drag.
Is he someone on your list?

143
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,931
He was,
but I crossed him off,
so I'm finished with him.

144
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:21,134
- But I'm helping him
anyway.
- Why?

145
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:24,137
I don't know.
Guy wants to kill himself.
I can't just walk away from him.

146
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,874
Are you gonna start helpin'
people that aren't
on your list now?

147
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,877
'Cause if you do, we'll
never finish it and get
back to stealing again.

148
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,279
You don't really understand
my list, do you, Randy?

149
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,748
No. Not really.

150
00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:37,785
[ Metal Crashes ]
[ Rattling ]

151
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,154
[ Water Dripping ]

152
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,628
Oh, hi, guys.
Would either one of you
mind picking up...

153
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:50,063
that broken pipe
and beating me
to death with it?

154
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,671
- Randy, put it down.
- But, Earl, he said
he wanted me to--

155
00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:00,741
Put it down!

156
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,647
[ Earl Narrating ]
I realized if I was gonna keep
Philo from killing himself,

157
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,916
it wasn't enough
to just babysit him.

158
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:12,586
I needed to find a way
to lift his spirits
and get him out of his funk.

159
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,355
First I tried small talk.

160
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,158
That's a real interesting
birthmark you got on the back
of your neck.

161
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,094
My mom hit me with
a curling iron. I had spilled
cereal on the carpet.

162
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:24,064
Didn't even have
milk in it.

163
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:27,200
Hmm.
So your mom wears
her hair curly, huh?

164
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,108
[ Earl Narrating ]
When small talk didn't work,

165
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:38,679
we tried showin' him
other ways to have fun--
You know, like motel hockey.

166
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:51,124
- Randy!
- That was a clean hit.

167
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:54,662
[ Earl Narrating ]
Nothin' was workin', and since
suicide is a serious thing,

168
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,897
I thought I should
consult an expert.

169
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,066
Since experts write books,
I went to the bookstore,

170
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,835
a place I had only been
once before.

171
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,771
[ Man ]
Hey! Come back here!

172
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:09,843
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, do you people have...

173
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:13,781
anything here like a book
a guy can use to keep
a guy from killing himself?

174
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:18,185
We have Self-Esteem For Dummies,
but I think that's sold out.

175
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,821
Try the self-help section.

176
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:23,056
Oh, and we also have
a large selection
of Books on Tape.

177
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,358
What do you mean,
like, sticky?

178
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,961
Cassette tape.
It's a book,

179
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:30,430
but the author reads it
to you on tape.

180
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,800
Book on tape.

181
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,703
Wow. It doesn't get
any more futuristic
than that, huh?

182
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:40,207
Well, actually it does.
You can download the books
directly to your iPod now.

183
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:44,011
iPod, huh? What is that,
some sort of space capsule
or something?

184
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:52,285
Think I got it.
It's a book on tape
called Something to Live For.

185
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:55,388
I also got a novel version
of Road Hous read
by Patrick Swayze.

186
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,691
The best cooler
in the business?

187
00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,393
This'll be great.
Books are written
by smart people,

188
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:03,096
- and smart people know
how to fix problems.
- No, thanks.

189
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,398
Come on, Philo.
I'm tryin' to save
your life.

190
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:10,037
Catalina, hold up.

191
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:13,040
I need to ask you a favor.
I got this guy who, uh--

192
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,242
Well, he needs
something to live for.

193
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,477
I am not sleeping
with that man.

194
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,747
No, no.
Of course you're not.

195
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,982
I know that.
Just make out
with him a little.

196
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,984
No. I can smell him
from here.

197
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,019
It's okay.
I'm not interested.

198
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:29,823
I already got
a girl I love.
She's hot.

199
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:34,327
- Wait. You love a girl?
- Yeah, but she hates me--
or she would if she met me.

200
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:37,965
- I don't even know her name.
- Excuse me. I'm hot.

201
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,901
You're okay, but compared
to my girl, you look like
one of those things...

202
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:43,904
from The Lord of the Rings
that crawled out of the ground,
attacked the castle.

203
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:47,007
This uniform is not flattering.
You should see me
in jeans and a bra.

204
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,210
Ewoks.
Those are called Ewoks.

205
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:53,480
Randy, this could be it.
If we can get this girl
Philo likes to like him,

206
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:56,249
it'll give him something
to live for, and we won't
have to watch him...

207
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,218
every second of every day.

208
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,423
[ Water Bubbling ]

209
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,229
[ Muffled ]
I'll get the hook.

210
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,365
[ Earl Narrating ]
After we fished Philo
out of the bottom of the pool,

211
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:18,205
we cleaned him up and got him
ready to go meet who we hoped
would be his new girlfriend.

212
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,008
It finally felt like
I might actually get him
out of our lives,

213
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:24,978
and I could go back to only
helping people on my list.

214
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,881
That-- That's
the girl you love?
Yeah.

215
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:31,118
Oh, please.
Victoria's Secret
is just as bad.

216
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:34,087
Just 'cause they're classy
doesn't mean they're not
still whores!

217
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,925
Son of a bitch.

218
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:46,133
[ Joy ] I don't know why
you want a Prius when you
got a Maserati right here.

219
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:48,902
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]

220
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:51,238
You love Joy?

221
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:55,242
Joy.
Classy name
for a classy lady.

222
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,244
Sometimes I watch her
do laundry.

223
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,212
So hot.

224
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:14,127
[ Man ]
* The other day
I met a girl named Joy *

225
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:22,335
* Oh, Joy to the world
was a beautiful girl *

226
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:26,206
* But to me Joy meant
only sorrow **

227
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:28,575
Look, you can't ask Joy
out on a date.
She's married.

228
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:32,079
Oh, but she's always
yelling at her husband.
I know she's not happy.

229
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:35,248
Well, that's her happy.
She's just a bitch.

230
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:38,451
You know I love Darnell,
but if it'll get this guy
out of our lives,

231
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:42,589
maybe we should consider,
you know, killin' Darnell.

232
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:44,992
Randy, we're not
killin' Darnell.

233
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:48,061
- I knew this wasn't gonna work.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

234
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:51,498
H-Hold on now.
I-I think this could work.
Let me talk to Joy.

235
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,934
Randy, take him back
to the motel.

236
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,569
[ Exhales ]
All right, Philo,
would you rather--

237
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:59,139
Sit in the back
of the truck
'cause you hate me.

238
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,474
No, what I was
gonna say is--
That you hate me.

239
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,077
I had to ride
in the trunk once.
It was raining--

240
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:06,914
Pizza or burgers?
Pizza or burgers? Pizza!
Pizza! We're gettin' pizza!

241
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:09,282
I like burgers.
Too bad.

242
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:12,019
[ Earl Narrating ]
You may think me asking
my ex-wife for help was crazy,

243
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:14,154
but sometimes you gotta
fight crazy with crazy.

244
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,589
I wasn't flirting
with her, Joy.
She's a Girl Scout.

245
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:19,960
I like Slim Mints.
Well, you ain't gettin' 'em,
'cause she ain't comin' back.

246
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,163
Not after what I did
to her bicycle.

247
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:27,901
Hey, Crab Man.
I was lookin' to have
a word with Joy.

248
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:30,237
Hey, Earl. Come on in.
We're just fightin'.
Joy's jealous.

249
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,539
I am not jealous.
You're the one that should
be jealous.

250
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:35,308
I can't even walk
down the street without
guys offerin' to do me.

251
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:37,978
I take that as a compliment.
I don't get jealous.

252
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:41,014
That is a lie.
Everybody gets jealous.

253
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,250
Hell, even frogs get jealous.
I saw that on TV.

254
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,552
That's what all that
croaking's about.

255
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,921
What do you want?

256
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:50,123
[ Earl Narrating ]
I could tell it wasn't
the best time,

257
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:53,093
but I asked Joy
my favor anyway.

258
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:57,097
I figured if she'd sit down
with Philo and tell him
that she would date him...

259
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,533
if she weren't already married,
it might give him enough
hope in the future...

260
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,170
to stop tryin'
to kill himself.

261
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,672
At least long enough
for me to walk away.

262
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:11,178
Tell that little doofus
to meet me on Friday
at the Crab Shack.

263
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:15,482
Really? Thanks, Joy.
This is a big help.

264
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,551
Oh, and I hear you're
wearin' underwear again.
Good for you.

265
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:28,595
Doesn't get jealous, huh?
[ Chuckles ]

266
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:32,532
Boys, get Mama's
plastic stripper shoes
out of your Lego box.

267
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:35,568
[ Earl Narrating ]
When the big day arrived,
I was feelin' nervous.

268
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,305
It seemed like we were close
to finally gettin' rid of Philo,

269
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,740
and I didn't want
anything to go wrong.

270
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:44,077
Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crab Man.
Need a few beers.

271
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:47,680
Oh, I'm sorry. Boss said
I can't serve you until you
fix that pipe in the bathroom.

272
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,317
It sprays people
when they flush.

273
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:53,453
Luckily, only a few people
that flushed so far.

274
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:11,071
[ Exhaling ]

275
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:18,611
You're breathin' loud.
That's because you made me
use toothpaste.

276
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,081
It makes the sores
in my mouth sting.

277
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,531
You that weird guy that likes
to watch me take my underwear
off my clothesline?

278
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:40,700
- One of them.
Yes, ma'am.
- Beat it, Randy.

279
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,337
[ Bell Dings ]

280
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,711
I hear you have
a crush on me.
Yes.

281
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:54,114
Hmm.
That's nice.

282
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,183
Do me a favor?
Put your hand...

283
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,119
on my leg right here
and just kind of
rub it around.

284
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:02,222
Like that.
No, this side. Okay.

285
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,757
You like that, darlin'?
Huh?

286
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,661
'Cause I shaved
above the knee today.

287
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,433
So much better
than a doll.
Hmm.

288
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,669
[ Chuckles ]

289
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,805
Get your hands
off my wife.

290
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,208
What's the matter
with you?

291
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:23,376
I thought you didn't
get jealous.

292
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:27,814
Guess I was wrong. 'Cause
my heart feels like there's
blood gushing in and out of it.

293
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,550
That's what a heart's
supposed to do.
Shut up!

294
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:33,853
Oh, baby.
That's how my heart feels.

295
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,123
That's all I needed
to hear.

296
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,831
[ Chuckles ]
I'm so sorry.

297
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:49,669
Uh-- Um, I thought
we were on a date.

298
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,804
It was a date.

299
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,873
But not all dates
are good ones, honey.

300
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:57,477
Sometimes it ends up
with your sweetie doin'
a black man in the bathroom.

301
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,412
Come on.

302
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,288
What are you doin' here?
Where's Philo?

303
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:12,425
- He's gone. I blew him off.
- Damn it, Joy.
I told you he's suicidal.

304
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:14,361
Come on, Randy.

305
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:25,638
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted to find Philo
as fast as I could,

306
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,707
but we had to stop for gas.

307
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:30,810
It made sense.
I'd stolen gas
more than once.

308
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,680
Karma was payin' me back
more than once.
[ Bird Shrieks ]

309
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:37,250
We gotta stop, Earl.
I can feel my heartbeat
in my teeth.

310
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:40,420
Sorry, Randy. We can't.
We gotta get
to a gas station.

311
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,489
I'm not lettin' Philo
die on my watch.

312
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,464
[ Earl Narrating ]
And then I saw the thing
I feared the most.

313
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:03,776
- Hi, Earl.
- Holy Moses!

314
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,813
You scared
the crap out of me.
I thought you were dead.

315
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,949
Dead? [ Laughs ]
Why would I be dead?
You crack me up, Earl.

316
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,552
I was just listening
to this tape you gave me.

317
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,555
- I don't have a cassette
player in the house.
- I thought you killed yourself.

318
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,724
Kill--
[ Man ] Doesn't that give you
something to live for?

319
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:20,327
Why would I kill myself?
That's crazy.

320
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,629
Is it? The woman you love
just blew you off,

321
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,765
and two days ago you tried
to kill yourself 'cause
a squirrel looked at you wrong.

322
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:29,302
I know.
But that was before
I had friends.

323
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,604
Excuse me?

324
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,607
Yeah. I mean there's
no reason to kill myself
now that I got friends.

325
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:40,280
If he has friends,
how come they haven't been
helping instead of us?

326
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:43,616
I think he means us,
Randy.

327
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,685
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I realized...

328
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:48,588
that while Randy and I
were tryin' to find him
a reason to live,

329
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:51,858
he found it on his own--
us, his new friends.

330
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:55,328
Hey, why don't you guys come in
and watch my old wrestling tapes
from high school?

331
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:59,532
I wasn't on the team or nothin',
but me and my sister
had some real close matches.

332
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:02,902
I know you don't
understand why, Randy,
but I gotta go inside.

333
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,672
If you want
to take the car--
I'll go in there with you.

334
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,408
Really?
Yeah. That guy didn't kill
himself 'cause of us, Earl,

335
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,610
and that's kinda cool.

336
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:14,547
Makes me feel weird
in my stomach, but I like it.
Is that why you wanna help him,

337
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:17,484
'cause of that weird feeling
in your stomach?
I guess it is.

338
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,619
Hey, come on.
I cleaned all the junk
off the couch.

339
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:22,822
I found a real big blanket
we can sit under.

340
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:25,925
How long you think
we need to be his friends?

341
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:28,628
I'm not sure.
I still
don't like him, Earl.

342
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:32,031
I know, Randy.
I don't like him either.

343
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,367
* I'm happy at home

344
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,735
* Happy at home

345
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:38,571
* You're my best friend *