You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] It was nice to see Joy so happy to be with her kids.
That's because they were leavin' her alone for a week,
goin' with Crab Man to stay at his mom's.
Thank you, babies. You boys leavin' for a whole week...
is the best Mother's Day gift a mom could ask for.
Here's some extra spending money. Can you empty it out now?
I need the jar for Mr. Turtle so I don't have to buy him a seat on the bus.
Oh, yeah. Here you go.
Bye, boys.
We promise not to call, Mommy.
Oh, wouldn't answer if you did.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Joy's idea of a great Mother's Day...
was havin' a week of not bein' a mother.
And who could blame her? Being a mom is hard.
Who the hell thinks it's all right to put Mr. Turtle in the toilet?
Who the hell thinks it's okay to paint a peanut-butter- and-jelly mural on my wall?
Who the hell--
[ Gagging ]
Damn it. Who keeps putting Mr. Turtle in the toilet?
-I didn't know it was Mother's Day tomorrow. Did you? -No, I forgot.
You gonna do somethin' for your mom, Catalina?
- My mother is dead. - I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay. It was either her or me.
[ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad we forgot about Mother's Day,
'cause this wasn't the first time we had to scramble at the last minute to get a gift.
Back when we were kids, all we had to do was wait for someone...
smaller, weaker and more prepared for Mother's Day.
Let go of me! We knew we'd find somethin' good...
'cause Kenny's backpack was the same place we did our Christmas shoppin'.
[ Gasps ] Oh. Did you wrap this?
It's so pretty. I hate to tear it up. Let's save that for another day.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my.
Oh, Carl, look what the boys made.
It's a little coupon book.
"Clean the house for Mom. Do the dishes for Mom.
Breakfast in bed for Mom."
Oh. You know, I'm gonna use this one right now. [ Giggles ]
I like marmalade on my toast.
[ Earl Narrating ] Stolen coupons sure made Mom happy,
until she realized we'd never let her cash any of 'em in.
- Those little jerks aren't comin' back, are they? - Nope.
What are you doin'? I'm puttin' Mom on the list.
[ Sighs ] Number 266-- never gave Mom a good Mother's Day.
Can I write this one, Earl? I wanna practice cursive again.
If you do something for your mom, won't you have to see your dad?
- I thought he hates you. - He does.
But I won't have to deal with Dad. Tomorrow's all about Mom.
[ Earl Narrating ] Meanwhile, Joy was preparing to enjoy her Mother's Day.
Here. Just keep bringing me drinks.
But make sure I have enough money to grab myself a Kit Kat and chalupa on the way home.
[ Earl Narrating ] The next morning, we snuck into my parents' house...
to surprise Mom with a Mother's Day breakfast in bed.
[ Rattling ] Shh!
What we didn't know at the time was my parents heard someone breakin' in,
and Dad was tryin' to remember the combination to his gun safe.
Try your birthday again. I already tried my birthday, Kay.
When's our anniversary?
You don't know our anniversary? [ Sighs ]
This is exactly what I meant the other day when I was talkin' about...
how you live in this Carl bubble, and the rest of the world--
Now, Kay? Really? We're gonna do this now?
May 3. Oh.
[ Clattering ] No. When's your birthday?
[ Whispering ] I can't wait to see her face.
- [ Screams ] - Happy Mother-- [ Groans ]
- [ Dishes Shatter ] - Oh.
Hey, Randy. Hey, Dad.
[ Earl Narrating ] After we explained we were there to give Mom a good Mother's Day,
she was thrilled. Look what I found.
I can't believe you still have this.
These coupons are, like, 20 years old.
"Participate in Hands Across America with Mom."
[ Earl Narrating ] And so we spent the day doin' what we should've done a long time ago--
let Mom cash in all her coupons.
Like "Plant flowers with Mom."
Hey, look, Earl. Somebody buried a pair of shoes.
Randy, hold on-- Yuck! It's a cat skeleton.
I should name him Crackers after our cat that used to sleep in the street.
[ Earl Narrating ] "Take a portrait with Mom."
[ Shutter Clicking ]
We even did the coupons that seemed a little strange now that we were adults.
Like "Take a bath without bein' asked."
This is fun, Earl. I miss bein' a kid.
You sure there's not room in there for both of us if you just kind of move over--
I'm sure, Randy.
[ Projector Whirring ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Our day was goin' great.
And so far, I had managed to avoid dealin' with Dad--
until Mom cashed in her "Watch home movies" coupon.
Hey, Earl, it's that ramp you built for our bikes.
Out of the leaf from my mahogany dining table.
Aw.
Oh, look. Thanksgiving.
- Oh, I should've gotten a smaller bird. - [ Sighs ]
Look. There's that old car that you bought.
[ Carl Chuckles ] Look at me smiling.
I had absolutely no idea that my 11-year-old son...
would drive that car into the lake only two months later.
Oh, watching these movies, it just amazes me...
how you always had a way of ruining everything.
Dad, I didn't ruin everything, okay?
And that was the end of our home movies.
Come on, Dad. We're just tryin' to have a good time here.
I'm sorry, Mom. I wanted this to be a perfect day.
I just-- I just wish you two could get along.
You know what you should do? You should do somethin' on that list for your father.
- Yeah, I-- Mom, I've tried to. He-- - Well, try again.
You know what? I've got one coupon left, Earl, and it says "Mother's choice."
Which means that I get to pick whatever I want, and I want you to do something for your dad.
Mom, Dad hates me.
Oh, hate's a strong word. Kay, I remembered the combination--
3-14-89. It's the day Earl moved out.
How about number 42-- cut holes in all of Dad's shirts to show his nipples.
No, his nipples have drooped down like six inches, so that one kind of crosses itself off.
- Now I wait. - How long do you have to wait?
[ Traps Snapping ] Not long.
All right, we gotta do one of these. I promised Mom.
How about number 108-- lost Dad's Mustang.
He was pretty mad when he saw it in that home movie today.
Maybe I should do that one.
[ Earl Narrating ] But that car didn't have to be dragged out of a lake...
like I told my dad all those years ago.
- I lost it another way. - [ Pounding ]
[ Revs ]
Is that thing fast? You bet your ass it's fast.
Fastest car in Camden County.
- Bet my dad's Mustang's faster. - [ Scoffs ]
We've never seen him drive it, but he says it's really fast.
Yeah, little man?
You wanna put your money where your little mouth is, huh?
Race for pink slips? Huh? Huh? You scared?
You better be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed.
You know how many girls I've had sex with?
Four.
[ Earl Narrating ] That day I learned I had trouble backin' down from a challenge.
Come on, Randy. Let's go get Dad's car.
See you at the drag strip, peewee.
Who was the fourth girl?
I counted Tricia twice 'cause I got her with and without her back brace on.
[ Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Less than an hour later, I was about to have my first drag race ever.
Whoo! Jackie! Kick his ass, brother!
You shouldn't smoke.
We watched a cartoon at school where an owl told us that it was really bad for you.
It killed the owl's father at the end of the cartoon.
Do I look like a damn owl to you?
Okay, Patty, we're ready!
- [ Engine Revving ] - You ready, peewee?
Let's do this.
[ Tires Squealing ] [ Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] As fast as that Mustang might've been,
it didn't change the fact that at 11 years old...
I didn't know how to get out of first gear.
[ Grunts ] [ Gears Grinding ]
At the time, the thought of my dad confronting Billy was humiliating,
so I lied and told him I drove his car into a lake.
But now it was time to get it back.
Earl Hickey. All growed up.
Yeah, listen, I need to get that Mustang back. How much do you want for it?
[ Scoffs ] I don't sell cars-- I race 'em.
We race 'em. Whoo!
Jack-- [ Coughing ] Jackie!
[ Coughing Continues ]
That's just how that owl's dad coughed in the cartoon...
before he fell out of the air and broke his neck.
He's lucky he's not flying.
That's a sweet El Camino you rode up in.
You want that Mustang back, I'll give you a rematch.
The 'Stang verses your Camino. Mano "Y" mano.
I don't want to race, Billy.
Besides, the Mustang looks like it hasn't been started in years.
Hey, Earl, there's a long, skinny dog lyin' down in the backseat.
Oh, wait. He's standing up. He just doesn't have any legs.
Maybe it's a snake. Do snakes have hair?
They do when they're ferrets. You scared?
Is that it, growed up Earl? You scared I'll take another car off you? Huh?
You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed.
[ Chuckles ] You know how many girls I've had sex with?
Five.
Randy, get in the car. We'll see you at the drag strip.
Ed, put the tires on the Mustang, get that hairy snake out of the backseat.
- We got ourselves a race. - [ Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Less than an hour later, I was about to have my second drag race ever.
And with her kids still out of town, Joy hadn't stopped partying.
[ Slurred ] Hey, dummy.
I heard y'all was out here racin', so I fit it in to my Mother's Day week schedule.
This is so the police don't know I'm out here drinkin'.
[ Kisses ]
- [ Engine Starts ] - Let's do this!
[ Earl Narrating ] And although the cars had a lot of miles on 'em by now,
Patty had even more. All right, let's get this show on the road!
I got an appointment with a guy who likes to suck on my feet.
First car to pass the blue mailbox wins! Let's do this!
Whoo, Jackie!
Whoo! Who's Jackie?
[ Shouts ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] We were neck and neck until we got both cars up to about 30.
[ Engines Sputter ] Then they quit on us.
Oh!
[ Backfires ]
Ed! Get up here and push!
- Go, Ed! go! - Randy, come on and push! Come on!
Go, Ed! [ Earl ] So the race turned out to be...
less about horsepower and more about brother power.
- Come on, Randy! You can do it! - Come on, Ed!
- Push! - [ Coughing ]
You got it, Randy! We're almost there!
[ Coughing Continues ]
- I told you to give up those cigarettes, Ed! - [ Coughing Continues ]
- [ Cheering ] - [ Earl Narrating ] And I had more brother power.
We did it, Randy! [ Panting ]
Yeah, Randy!
I won, Billy! The car is mine.
Fine. You get the car. But it was a close race. I still got my dignity.
Hey, Billy! Is it okay if I cancel your appointment to suck my feet?
I'm just not feelin' it anymore.
[ Earl Narrating ] After over 20 years of lyin' to my dad about what happened to his car,
it was time to tell him the truth.
It's not Mother's Day anymore, Earl. Come back next year.
No, w-w-wait, Dad. I'm here for you. Look.
I didn't lose your car in a lake.
I lost it in a race, but I just won it back.
Now I can cross you off my list like Mom wanted.
- My car? - Yeah, your Mustang.
Idiot, that car wasn't for me. That was going to be your car when you turned 16.
- What? - Yep.
So I guess I'm not the one who should be on that list.
"Lost my own car because I'm an idiot."
I can't believe I lost my own car.
Hey, look at this one, number 67-- ran over Crackers.
Hey, what kind of crackers did you run over, saltines?
I bet it made a crunchy sound.
[ Earl Narrating ] Findin' out the car I lost was supposed to be for me...
put me in a situation I'd never faced before.
I'm on my own list. What the hell am I supposed to do about this?
Can't you just forgive yourself and cross it off?
I don't want to forgive myself. My life would've been a lot better if I had that Mustang.
I wouldn't have lost my virginity in a public bus.
And I wouldn't have had to watch.
[ Slurred ] Hey, dummies.
What, are you guys-- Probably sittin' here sayin' stupid stuff? Doin' stupid stuff?
[ Laughing ]
I'm gonna fix up that car.
Really? Yeah. Why shouldn't I?
Everybody else on the list makes me do somethin' for them.
Why should I be any different? I'm gonna pay myself back.
Come on, Randy.
Hey. Hold on. I'm gonna come too. Hold on.
Maybe you should drive her home. I don't know. She might be okay.
Damn it. Who threw their drink at me?
I'll drive her home.
[ Earl Narrating ] So while Randy got Joy home safe,
I went to my parents' house to fix up the car that should've been mine 20 years ago.
What the hell are you doing?
Mom said I could fix the car here.
I can't work on a car at the motel.
Every time you slide under, somebody tries to steal your shoes.
- I told you I don't want the car. - I'm not doin' this for you.
I-I-I lost myself a car. I owe myself a car.
- I'm doin' this for me. - Yeah, well, fixin' a car is a lot of work.
So let me know when you give up, and I'll call the junkyard.
[ Earl Narrating ] It was gonna be hard work.
But this was the list, so quittin' wasn't an option.
See? I told you. I drove just fine.
Oh, I drove. You were steering with a paper plate in the passenger seat,
but you did get a couple of the turns right.
Randy, do you wanna spend the night tonight?
[ Earl Narrating ] It was an odd request.
Randy had never thought of Joy in that way.
I'm lonely, Randy.
I don't think I can go a whole week.
[ Earl Narrating ] So that night, Randy gave her what she needed.
[ Banging ]
And much to Randy's surprise,
the next morning when Joy was sober, she was hungry for more.
So much more that they didn't even notice...
when Darnell and the kids came home early.
Joy?
Hey, boys! Welcome home!
Cool. A sheet fort.
- [ Together ] Cool! - Come get in!
[ Earl Narrating ] You see, what Joy couldn't go a week without was her kids.
Randy playing with that toy plane made her realize how much she missed bein' a mom.
How much she missed someone innocent around to liven up the house.
Someone who needed her to take care of him.
Someone to have fun with.
Because no matter how far she sent her boys away, she was still a mom.
There was no forgettin' it. And she didn't want to.
And the next morning, I was still making headway on the Mustang.
At least I thought I was.
You're putting a 1970 carburetor on a '65?
It'll fit. Oh, sure, it'll fit.
That size four dress'll fit your mother, but I wouldn't take her out in it.
That's a matching numbers car there.
Well, it's gonna have to work 'cause it's all I have.
Where is this from?
1965. Just put it on there.
Go on.
That's it. That's it. Easy.
No, no, no, no. You gotta hold it down even so you don't cross the threads.
Go to the cabinet, get the throttle plate. We're gonna need that next.
Go. You know what a throttle plate looks like, don't you?
[ Grunts ]
[ Earl Narrating ] When I saw all those Mustang parts my father bought over 20 years ago,
I realized this wasn't just a car my dad had planned on givin' me.
It was a car he had planned on us rebuildin' together.
[ Ratchet Clicking ]
So that's what we did.
Over the next couple days, we got talkin' less about car parts...
and more about other things. So I was supposed to be named Carl?
Yep, after me.
But on your birth certificate--
I've always sucked at cursive, so I put an extra loop on the "C."
So the "C" looked like an "E," and here you are-- Earl Hickey.
[ Earl Narrating ] And before I knew it, I was havin' somethin' with my dad...
I never had before-- a conversation.
And we kept on havin' 'em for the next two weeks, until the car was finished.
Looks great, huh? It sure does.
[ Earl Narrating ] And then it came to me.
What I had cheated myself out of, all those years ago, wasn't a car.
It was a chance to have some quality time with my dad.
And now that I got that, I could cross myself off my list.
[ Sighs ]
Well, here you go.
Now, the paint's not totally dry,
so don't let Randy slide across the hood like he always wants to.
Hmm.
Maybe I should just keep it here.
Here? Why would you want to do that?
Well, the motel's no place to store a nice car like this.
Plus, you'd get to drive it too.
Let's go take her for a ride. Mm-hmm.
[ Earl Narrating ] Some people might think...
that leavin' that car with my dad was an unselfish act.
But I wasn't doin' it for him.
That car was the first good memory my dad and I had together,
and I didn't want him to forget it.
[ Sighs ]
What the hell?
Somebody put a damn snake-dog back here! [ Ferret Chittering ]
Don't touch the ferret, Patty! [ Shouting ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Patty, don't touch the ferret!