My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] The local Bargain Bag was known for its bad customer service,
but we couldn't really blame them for that.
As a matter of fact, they could blame us,
and that's why we were here, to make up for number 24 on my list--
stole a red take-a-number machine.
I wanna thank you for including us on this list item, Earl.
I appreciate any opportunity to repent for my sinful days.
- Oh! I want Jesus to see this. - Is that who that is?
Uh-huh. I saw him peeking out.
- Thought it was Willie Nelson. - Next!
Good-bye, little fella. We never even gave you a name.
Earl! You can't give back that ticket thing.
Randy, we talked about this. I have to. It's on my list.
You can't. Randy.
It's not your turn.
Oh, snap.
[ Earl Narrating ] I understood why Randy didn't wanna part with that ticket machine.
It meant a lot to him. It meant a lot to all of us.
It was Christmas 1999...
and I had met and married Joy only three weeks earlier.
Since it was our first holiday together,
I wanted to include her in our gang's yuletide traditions.
Hey, everyone! It's carolers!
While Donny, Randy and Joy spread good tidings,
I snuck in and robbed the place.
Are you Santa?
Oh, ho-ho. Why are you taking all our presents?
Well, I think if you thought hard enough, you'd know the answer to that.
Now off to bed or there won't be a Christmas next year either.
[ Earl Narrating ] Don't worry. She's on my list.
If this is another damn thesaurus,
I'm gonna track down those dumb, stupid... dumb people,
and teach them how to buy a proper gift.
Cool, it's one of them checker sets, but for smart people and gays.
- Here you go. - Who are you?
Darnell. I'm new.
[ Earl Narrating ] A few weeks earlier, Darnell's life took a dramatic turn...
and he had to relocate to Camden County.
As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner.
All the documents you need-- birth certificate, driver's license, etc.--
are in this envelope.
Cool.
Remember, you can never be Harry Monroe again. You're a totally new person.
- Do I still like cheese? - Not if you wanna stay alive you don't.
[ Earl Narrating ] The more we hung out with Darnell, the more we learned how smart he was.
Why is it called "Y2K"?
It means "2000" in computer, and in a few days, when it turns 2000,
all the computers are gonna think it's really Year Zero.
- The hell does that mean? - All the computers will go berserk and things like...
electricity, water, gas will be out.
The banks will be outta money. Stores will be outta food.
All the high scores on video games will be reset.
- Even "Centipede"? - Mm-hmm.
That's messed up, y'all. What the hell's gonna happen to us?
Well, we'll either be killed at the hands of hungry citizens or die of starvation.
- Do we get to choose? - Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do?
We should do somethin', right? I mean, we gotta do somethin'.
Well, the best thing to do is just hole up somewhere and wait to see what happens.
We can use my sister's basement. She's off with another trucker.
And does she go off with a lot of truckers?
My sister falls in love easy, if that's what you're askin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] As we all tried to figure out how the hell we were gonna survive Y2K,
we weren't the only people preparing for an uncertain future.
[ Braying ]
As it turns out, our good friend Catalina was a world away...
preparing to make her journey to America.
Toma.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Earl Narrating ] In the days leading up to Y2K,
we decided to stock up on survival supplies.
And we weren't the only ones.
Randy, I told you no robot dogs.
We can only afford the things we need to survive.
But I already filled out the adoption papers. I named him "Biscuit."
Put it back, Randy.
- Hey, Earl. - Hey...
Crab Man.
Wow. You really like cheese.
Shh.
I'm gonna have to see a receipt and pat you down.
Does that mean I'm gonna have to take my boots off?
- Probably. - The hell's goin' on?
Sorry, honey. Now that we're married, you're gonna have to get used to this.
For some reason, people tend to think me and Randy are criminals.
I understand, baby. Everywhere I go I get dirty looks too.
- So do I. - Me too, and it sucks because we're good people.
Mm-hmm.
You know, it's crazy. They're so worried about us stealing stuff.
The whole store gonna get looted during Y2K.
- Wait a minute. There's gonna be lootin'? - Mm-hmm.
Then why the hell did we just buy all this stuff?
I'm gonna return mine and steal it tomorrow.
Can I loot too, Earl? There's just so much I wanna take.
And, plus, I'm still a little bit upset about that Larry King verdict.
You know what I'm gonna loot first? I'm gonna loot me a Humvee.
Then I'm gonna take all the other stuff I loot and put it in my Humvee.
And if somebody tries to stop me, I'm gonna drive over 'em in my Humvee.
And I also want a new pair of sandals.
Hey, Darnell, if all the computers break,
does that mean we won't have criminal records anymore?
Yep. It'll be cool. Your whole slate's gonna be wiped clean.
I'd like a clean slate. Mine's filthy. Mine too.
Oh, my God! We're missin' it.
- Ten-- - [ All ] Nine, eight--
You know, this Y2K thing can be good for us.
The whole deck's gonna be reshuffled. Maybe we won't be on the bottom.
[ All ] Three, two,
one! [ Blowing Horns ]
[ Electrical Pop, Whirring ]
[ Tape: Distorted Audio ]
[ Whispers ] It's happening.
[ Earl Narrating ] What we didn't know then was that Donny Jones's sister...
liked to screw two things:
truckers and the electric company.
Come on, guys! Let's do this!
The Year Zero is gonna be ours.
- [ Explosion ] - That's probably the power plant.
[ Rapid Explosions ] Sounds like machine-gun fire.
[ Earl Narrating ] What we didn't know was that every year...
Camden County had a New Year's fireworks show.
We'd never seen it because we were usually passed out by 9:00.
- Y'all, that sounds like grenades. - Grenades?
The other looters have grenades? I only have this bat.
I could hit a grenade with the bat, but only if you put it on a tee.
Maybe we should loot in the mornin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] Once the sun came up and the other looters ran out of grenades,
we were excited to finally get our chance to steal everything we ever dreamed of.
Where is everybody? We've gone 10 blocks and haven't seen a soul.
Maybe they're hiding.
Marco! Marco!
We're not in the damn pool, you idiot. Olly, Olly, oxen free!
I'm gettin' a little buggy here.
Maybe Randy was right. Maybe the computers did rise up and kill everybody.
I think you're right. Where are the bodies?
The computers are using them for fuel.
Hey, wait! [ Earl ] Hurry up!
[ Earl Narrating ] Realizing we might be...
the only people left on Earth in Year Zero freaked us out.
What we didn't know was there was a reason why the streets were so empty.
[ Cheering ]
We were always so drunk from the night before,
we were never awake to know there was a parade on New Year's Day.
Well, I guess that's it.
I guess the world's over.
I'm so angry at computers right now.
Well, if the world's over,
I guess we're gonna have to start a new one.
Any ideas on how to do that, because it sounds complicated.
Well, I think we need to make sure that the new human race...
is made up of people of all different colors.
You know, by stirrin' up the meltin' pot.
I call "president." Yeah, me too. I call "president" too.
We can't have two presidents. Says who?
Says me and I-I'm the president.
- One of them. - Guys, we're not gonna have a president.
But if we were, I'd be the president. Don't talk to me.
[ Earl Narrating ] While we were tryin' to figure out the rest of our lives,
Catalina was runnin' for hers.
[ Shouting ] [ Gunshots ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
As bummed out as we were about Y2K ending the world,
we were also excited to go shopping.
Being the last people on Earth had its advantages.
There was no one at the register, so everything was in our price range.
Plus, there was no other shoppers grabbin' stuff...
out of our carts when we weren't lookin'.
- You guys ready to get out of here? - Not me. I'm staying forever.
You're gonna live in the store? Earl, he's gonna live in the store.
- I can live wherever I want. - Yeah. We rule the world now.
I may move to Florida if Y2K hasn't snapped it off in the ocean.
Earl, can we live in the store too, please? Can we?
I guess. It is bigger than the trailer...
and we wouldn't have to load this crap in the car.
- Okay. I claim the TV section. - Oh, hold on. You can't do that.
What are you gonna do, call the police? They're dead. I can do whatever I want...
- and I claim this section. - Why the hell's it your section and not my section?
"A," because you're pregnant and can't fight,
and, "B," because I got here first.
[ Earl Narrating ] Suddenly, we all realized...
if there was somethin' we wanted for our own,
we had to be the first one to get there.
[ Grunting ] [ Clattering ]
So we all claimed our piece of paradise.
Joy took the beauty products and pharmacy aisle.
[ Air Hissing ] Help! Help! The machine's got me! Y2K! Y2K!
[ Beeping ] Never mind. I scared it. It let go.
[ Earl Narrating ] Darnell seemed happy in his section.
Oh, I get it. My finger's his wiener.
And I found a section that was my own little slice of heaven.
Everyone started out pretty happy with our little arrangement,
but eventually, people began to have needs outside their aisles.
- Hey, baby. - Oh! Hey, hubby!
Hey, look on the back of that box and tell me how long to keep these bleach trays in.
Joy, it says you're not supposed to use these if you're pregnant.
Says the stupid government-- which is dead.
There's no more rules anymore, Earl.
I could put the stuff in my eyes if I wanted to-- make the white parts whiter.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doin'? - My stomach hurts.
I think I ate too many cookie insides.
You can't just come in and take my stuff without askin'.
But we're married. It's our stuff. I don't think so.
I'm a separate accounts kind of woman.
If you want something, you're gonna have to give me something for it.
You want three bags of slightly licked outsides of cookies?
I want a TV.
How am I supposed to get you a TV? I live in Snack Foods.
Figure it out.
- Hey, Donny, what can I trade you for a TV? - Give me your wife.
I'm not givin' you my wife. Pick a snack food.
Marshmallow Fluff-- smeared on your wife.
- Donny. - Okay.
I'll give you a TV, but you gotta owe me one favor--
and I get to ask for that favor anytime I want...
and you can't say "no" and you can't ask what the favor's gonna be.
Is the favor givin' you my wife?
- Yep. - Forget it.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Donny Jones was hard to negotiate with,
he was easy to fool.
Oh, so there's crime now. [ Laughs ]
[ Machinery Popping ]
- What the hell are you doin'? - You took my TV!
I saw it on TV.
I know we can go and fish and hunt.
Who's my good dog? Who's my good boy? You are.
- [ Barks ] - [ Screams ]
- Yeah, I took one. But you got 16 left. - Thief!
- What the hell is goin' on? - Shut up! You belong to me now.
You're not gettin' my wife, Donny.
Earl!
Ow! Donny!
Earl? [ Groans ]
Oh, snap! You killed your own brother!
I claim the toy section!
[ Earl Narrating ] Things had gotten out of control...
and it was gonna take a lot more than frozen peas to fix the problems in our new world.
What the hell's the matter with us? How can we start a whole new world...
if we can't even get through a day without...
having a tennis ball and pumpkin pie filling war.
It's 'cause we ain't got no damn rules. We need to figure a way to settle this fightin'.
I know. We institute a scalpin' policy.
Whenever two people argue, they both get scalped.
Randy, where are you goin'? We're makin' important decisions here.
- Randy, I'm talkin' to you. - I say we scalp him.
- We're not scalpin' him. - We could cut off his ear.
You know what? Maybe buildin' a new world's too much.
We're just a bunch of low-life criminals.
No wonder everybody gives us dirty looks all the time.
We don't have to argue anymore. We can use this.
- The hell is that? - It's a take-a-number thingy.
Ooh! Like they have at the free clinic.
We just take a number. Whenever we have to make a decision, the next number decides.
That way there won't be wars in our new world.
[ Earl Narrating ] Funny thing. It took a smack to the head...
to finally knock some sense into one of us.
While Randy was helping us get to a better place,
a guy named Pablo was helping Catalina do the same thing.
License and registration.
Right away we knew we were onto something with the take-a-number machine.
Whenever we would disagree, we went straight to the numbers.
Whoever had the lowest number got their way.
The number thingy really helped us get along.
We stopped arguin' and started havin' fun.
Our new society was really comin' together.
We were the best we'd ever been.
- To us. - [ All ] To us!
And to Randy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Good job finding that "pull-a-piece-of-paper- with-a-number-printed-on-it...
out-of-the-big-red- plastic-thingy."
You know what kind of thinkin' that was?
The kind of thinkin' a president does.
- But we don't have any presidents. - Well, maybe we need one.
All in favor of Randy bein' president--
President.
That means I'm on top.
[ Earl Narrating ] By bedtime, we were exhausted,
but mostly, we were proud.
Thanks to Randy's ticket machine,
we had done good on our first day of runnin' the world.
If people were still alive to see us,
they sure wouldn't have been givin' us dirty looks that night.
Hey, Mr. President. [ Randy ] Yeah, Earl?
How's it feel to be on top?
I don't like it. It's too high up here. Will you switch with me?
Sure, Randy.
So, we all went to sleep...
proud of ourselves and looking forward to what the next day would bring.
[ Chattering ]
Biscuit!
[ Earl Narrating ] But, unfortunately, the next day brought shoppers...
ready to take advantage of Bargain Bag's January 2 Sale.
Turns out the world wasn't over like we thought.
The deck wasn't reshuffled and we were still on the bottom.
Nothin' had changed at all.
Unfortunately, our new world was over,
but a new world was just beginning for Catalina...
who finally made it to America.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Dibs. What?
Aw, it doesn't matter. She's gone.
[ Earl Narrating ] So, six years later,
Bargain Bag still needed their take-a-number machine,
and no matter how Randy felt, I still needed to give it back to 'em.
It's my turn, Earl. I get to choose.
Randy, look. That number machine means something to all of us,
but if we keep it, then we're just crooks who stole a number machine.
That's not what that day was about. But we were on top.
I liked bein' on top. Don't worry, Randy.
If we just keep doin' the things on my list,
we'll be back on top before you know it.
[ Earl Narrating ] And even though we're still looked down upon today,
I'm confident that, one day, we won't be.
One day we will be seen as the perfect people we were on that one perfect day.
Ma'am.
[ Earl Narrating ] Of course, for some of us, that might take till "Y3K."