1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,737 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,674 and then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:11,112 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me, 4 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,247 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 5 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,051 Karma. 6 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,187 That's when I realized I had to change. 7 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,357 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, 8 00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:26,327 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 9 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,329 I'm just tryin' to be a better person. 10 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,798 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:41,109 [ Earl Narrating ] You may wonder why me and Randy are hiding in the bushes... 12 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,211 watching a little kid. 13 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,213 Well, it all started about six years ago, 14 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:48,449 and I don't mean our watching little kids. 15 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:52,253 Joy had recently given birth to my first illegitimate child. 16 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:56,124 And we didn't have a fancy nanny, so every day was "Take Your Baby to Work Day." 17 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,527 Alby, hurry up. 18 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,805 Would you two dummies relax? 19 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:16,677 Aunt Edna's birthday party 5:00 to 8:00. We got all night. 20 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:22,516 Now, who wants rich people food? 21 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:25,353 [ Gasps ] Ooh, y'all. They got real cheese. 22 00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:29,457 [ Chattering, Laughing In Distance ] 23 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:31,559 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, the family only left... 24 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,761 to pick up the guest of honor. 25 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:36,230 Aunt Edna's birthday party was here. 26 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,666 And that changed our plans from "robbin'" to "gettin' the hell out." 27 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,435 Whoa. 28 00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:44,305 We tried to escape, but, unfortunately, 29 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:47,308 our crime scene became a party scene, and we were trapped. 30 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:50,611 Isn't this just horrific? 31 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,846 George's last wife had dreadful taste. 32 00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:57,451 [ Earl Narrating ] It was every man, woman... 33 00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:00,354 and baby for himself. 34 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,324 Who's that Boo Radley guy behind the plant? 35 00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:05,726 [ Woman ] That's Rose's son-- 36 00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,629 the one she was pregnant with for nearly a year. 37 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,199 It's really sad. 38 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,401 I think he's only 11. 39 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:17,405 [ Earl Narrating ] Everyone got out. 40 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:20,541 Everyone but me. Come on. It's time for bed. 41 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:23,911 Can I sleep in your bedroom? You're too old for that, Alby. 42 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,482 Tell me a story, Daddy. 43 00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:30,584 Okay. 44 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,922 Once upon a time, there was a giant armadillo. 45 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:38,492 [ Woman #2 ] George, are you still up there? 46 00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:42,463 You know, I should be getting back to the guests. Sleep tight, sport. 47 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:46,200 At least leave the lights on to keep the boogeyman away. 48 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:51,639 We've been through this, Alby. You know there's no such thing as the boogeyman, okay? 49 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,675 Good night. 50 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,551 There's no such thing as the boogeyman. 51 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:06,587 There's no such thing as the boogeyman. 52 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:09,890 There's no such thing as the boogeyman. [ Animal Hooting ] 53 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,960 There's no such thing as the boogeyman. 54 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,431 [ Creaks ] 55 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:26,907 [ Creaking ] There's no such thing as the boogeyman. 56 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,277 There's no such thing as the boogeyman. 57 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,813 [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] 58 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,853 [ Screaming Continues ] 59 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:44,958 There is a boogeyman! There is a boogeyman! 60 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,561 [ Earl Narrating ] And there you have it. Number 239-- 61 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:51,265 made a kid scared of the boogeyman. 62 00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:53,367 Look, Earl, he's got a trampoline. 63 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,969 We should steal it and put it in the motel parking lot. 64 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:59,540 We could use it to go up and down from our room without having to use the stairs. 65 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,475 Randy, we're here for the kid, not his trampoline. 66 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,280 Hey there, little guy. 67 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:09,383 [ Screams ] It's you. 68 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:12,886 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy with that fancy hammer, kid. 69 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,856 J-Just put it down. I'm just here to talk to you. 70 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,395 [ Earl Narrating ] I explained my list and the boogeyman misunderstanding to Alby. 71 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:24,598 And I realized if you talk to kids like they're adults, 72 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:28,336 they'll treat you with the same respect. You're a butt-wad. I hate you. 73 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,671 I was a butt-wad, but now I'm trying not to be. 74 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,807 I know I can't un-scare you, but maybe there's some other way I can make it up. 75 00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:36,710 - How? - Sometimes the people on my list, 76 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,779 they choose how I'm gonna make things up to 'em. 77 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,848 So whatever I say you have to do, butt-wad? 78 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,983 Yeah, that's kind of how it works. 79 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:47,321 [ Randy ] Whee! Be my slave all day. 80 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:51,492 You should do it, Earl. Bein' a slave could be cool. You get to sing while you work. 81 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:54,662 - Whoo! - Fine. I'll do it. 82 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:58,999 [ Earl Narrating ] Alby's suggestion was a little childish, but he was just a kid. 83 00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,301 Unfortunately, he handled firearms like an adult. 84 00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:07,408 [ Grunting ] 85 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:24,425 Okay, Edward, smile like your brother. Smile. 86 00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:27,094 Edmund, get your hands off your wee-wee. 87 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,397 Uh, Alby, we're gonna be back late. 88 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,331 There's sandwich stuff in the fridge if you get hungry. 89 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:40,674 Excuse me. Uh, if you're gonna keep aiming for my crotch, 90 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:44,578 you think you can get me, like, an ashtray or somethin' I can put down the front of my pants? 91 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:46,580 I'm bored. Let's play boat. 92 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,722 Starboard, starboard. 93 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,524 That's port. I said starboard. 94 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:59,827 I told you, Alby. I don't know fancy sailing terms. 95 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,863 The engine does not talk to the captain. It makes engine sounds. 96 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,465 [ Sighs ] 97 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,704 [ Gurgling ] 98 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,573 [ Video Game Beeping ] 99 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:18,045 Wrong. 100 00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:21,482 Can you at least tell me what I did wrong? Nope. Figure it out. 101 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,517 [ Beeping Continues ] All right. 102 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:26,420 I'll try, uh, turkey and mayo, no pickles. 103 00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:28,589 Good luck with that. 104 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,859 [ Earl Narrating ] Once it got dark, I figured I'd be able to go home. 105 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:35,763 But Alby decided I needed to sleep underneath his window in case he needed something. 106 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:37,798 [ Crickets Chirping ] I'm gonna go to sleep. 107 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,701 - Try to keep the crickets down, will you? - How? 108 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,704 Scare 'em. You're good at that. 109 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,740 [ Chirping Continues ] [ Growls ] 110 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,676 [ Chirping Stops ] 111 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:53,146 Earl? Earl? 112 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,890 How's bein' a slave? Is it fun? 113 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,859 No, it isn't fun, Randy. I got shot with paintballs, 114 00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:08,896 was used as a motorboat and was forced to race his dog on all fours. 115 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,765 That's not fair, Earl. A dog's used to racing on all fours. 116 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,801 I bet he won. Did he win? 117 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:17,070 Yeah, he won. Still, great day. 118 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,106 Paintball, and you got to race an animal? 119 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,809 You'll beat him next time. You just have to practice. 120 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:26,680 Oh. Unless the dog practices too, which it probably will. 121 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:29,082 [ Alby ] Earl! Earl! Where are you? 122 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,585 [ Sighs ] Great. I wonder what His Highness wants now. 123 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,554 Bye, Earl. 124 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:39,593 - Where were you? - I had to explain to my friends I couldn't come home... 125 00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,629 'cause you might want a Hot Pocket at 2:00 in the morning. 126 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,998 I was here all alone, and you weren't here to protect me. 127 00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,267 [ Earl Narrating ] That's when I started to realize, 128 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,704 well, there was more to Alby than just bein' spoiled. 129 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:54,842 And when his light stayed on all night, well, I knew for sure. 130 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:58,145 Alby was scared of the dark because some idiot hid under his bed. 131 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:01,782 And since I was that idiot, I had to help him. 132 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,251 I had no idea how to cure kid problems. 133 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:07,254 But I did know someone who had caused a lot of kid problems, 134 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,590 so I went to her for help. This feels weird. 135 00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,692 It's not weird. It's metrosexual. 136 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:14,127 Pretty soon, metrosexuality's gonna hit Camden County, 137 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:17,731 and when all the men start turnin' into half-fruits, Joy's Nails is gonna be ready. 138 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:21,034 Joy, do you remember a few months ago when Dodge was scared of the dark? 139 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:24,104 Yeah. Unfortunately that was my fault, 'cause when he heard us having sex, 140 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,306 I told him it was me fighting off the wolf man. 141 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,942 [ Joy ] Oh, God. Oh, God. 142 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:32,646 Mommy, are you okay? 143 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:36,316 Go to bed, honey. Mommy's just fightin' off the wolf man again. 144 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,052 [ Wolf Howling ] [ Earl ] So how'd you cure him? 145 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:41,655 Unfortunately, he got brave one time... 146 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:44,024 and walked in tryin' to save me and saw there was no wolf man-- 147 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:47,260 just Darnell plowin' me. 148 00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:50,631 He still won't look me in the eye. 149 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,265 Okay, well, thanks for the advice. 150 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:58,606 Leave the pinkie long. I use it to get between my sock and shoe to scratch my foot. 151 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,144 [ Earl Narrating ] I realized the first thing I had to do to help... 152 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,146 was to get him to admit his fear. 153 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,784 What are you doing here? You only had to be my slave for a day. 154 00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,787 It's okay to be scared of the dark, Alby. 155 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:16,189 - I'm not scared of the dark. - All right. 156 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:20,594 But even if you were, it's okay. I'm scared of stuff. 157 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,963 Like what? 158 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:26,700 Well, like sewer gators. 159 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:30,771 You know, they might come up and bite me when I sit on the toilet, 160 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,673 so most times I just kind of hover. 161 00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:38,111 I am scared of the dark, Earl. 162 00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:44,785 I'm gonna help you get over that. 163 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,354 [ Earl Narrating ] Alby agreed to dim the lights a little each night, 164 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:50,858 as long as I was there to protect him. 165 00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:53,727 Earl? I'm here, Alby. 166 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:56,697 I know. 167 00:09:56,730 --> 00:10:00,233 I was wondering, what's it like having a mustache? 168 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,673 Let me give you one piece of advice, Alby. 169 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,375 The second your body's ready, grow one. 170 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:12,245 [ Earl Narrating ] Turning down the lights that night helped Alby a little bit. 171 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,649 But what really helped was just talkin'. 172 00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:19,186 The next night, we dimmed the lights a little more and talked about relationships. 173 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:22,923 - Why don't you ask her out? - I don't know. What you said really scared me. 174 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,992 Oh, well, Joy's a bad example. 175 00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,661 Not all women are like that. 176 00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,997 [ Earl Narrating ] The next night, we dimmed the lights more... 177 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,065 and talked about life's biggest questions. 178 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:35,102 Well, no one really knows for sure, but I like to think... 179 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,772 the first thing that happens in heaven is you get to watch your whole life on TV. 180 00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:40,974 That's cool. 181 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:44,878 - So one day we might both be watching this on TV? - Yeah, maybe. 182 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,717 Hey, dead Earl. 183 00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,854 Hey, dead Alby. 184 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,123 [ Earl Narrating ] Before you knew it, the little guy didn't need the light at all. 185 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,795 Good night, Earl. 186 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:04,431 Good night, Alby. 187 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,775 Earl, wake up! 188 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,944 I did it! I slept with the lights off and wasn't scared! 189 00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:19,046 That's great, Alby. 190 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:22,082 What's that on your face? 191 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:26,887 Snails. I stopped swattin' 'em off around midnight. 192 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,422 [ Earl Narrating ] After a week of sleeping on a tree full of bugs, 193 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,359 I was looking forward to taking a nap on real furniture full of bugs. 194 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,995 [ Yawns ] [ Randy ] I still can't believe you didn't call me... 195 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,097 when you were playing paintball. 196 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,466 It combines two of my favorite things: Toy guns and paint. 197 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:43,737 Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list. 198 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,438 [ Knocking ] 199 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,980 I wanna live with you. 200 00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:54,915 Wait. Three things-- I also like balls. 201 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,886 Balls of paint. I like balls of paint. 202 00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:06,293 What do you mean, you wanna live with me? 203 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:09,229 You care about me, Earl. My dad doesn't. 204 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,032 I was scared of the dark for ages. He didn't do one thing about it. 205 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:15,102 [ Earl Narrating ] Alby went on to paint a picture of his homelife. 206 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:19,472 Ever since his dad remarried and had twins, Alby was completely ignored. 207 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:23,110 - I felt bad for him. - Check it out, Earl. It's a superhero mask. 208 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,848 - The eyes are kind of far apart. - [ Sighs ] 209 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,419 Oh. 210 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:36,223 Look, Alby. You can't just leave home and come live here. 211 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,094 The number for George Tollhurst, please. 212 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:44,431 He can live here, Earl. We'll make him sleep sideways at the foot of our bed. 213 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:47,868 You know, to keep our toes warm. Do you have fuzzy pajamas? 214 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:51,972 Hello, Mr. Tollhurst? Yeah, I just wanted you to know that I've got your son. 215 00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,975 No, the other son. No, the other son. 216 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,077 Yeah, that's him. He's right here and I-- 217 00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:01,281 Hello? Hello? Why'd you do that? 218 00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,984 I'm the last one he thought of. I don't want him to know where I am. 219 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,221 [ Sighs ] 220 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,224 Yeah, it's me again. 221 00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,526 [ George ] I don't know who you are or what you want, 222 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,129 but I want you to know that you have my full cooperation. 223 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,131 Just don't hurt Alby. 224 00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,367 What? No, no, no, no. I-I-- 225 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,971 You don't understand what's going on. Alby's sitting right next to me and he's-- Oh. 226 00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,106 I'm not going home. 227 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:29,242 Alby, yes, you are. Get back here. 228 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:32,479 [ Door Slams Shut ] [ Earl ] Alby? Alby, open up. 229 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,614 Is he gonna be in there a while? [ Pounding On Door ] 230 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:38,051 I didn't have to use the bathroom, but now that I can't, I'm getting antsy. 231 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:41,088 [ Pounding Continues ] [ Doorknob Jiggling ] 232 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:44,057 Come on, Alby. It's been a half an hour. 233 00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:46,860 Enough, okay? Come on out now. 234 00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:49,296 [ Alby ] How come there's two of you, but only one deodorant? 235 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,198 [ Sirens Wailing ] Oh, we're brothers, so we share. 236 00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:54,567 - We do? - Earl, the motel's on TV. 237 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,440 [ Chattering ] 238 00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,314 [ Siren Wailing ] 239 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,117 Oh, my God. They think we're-- 240 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,385 I'm gonna go out and explain everything to 'em. 241 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:15,288 I don't wanna go home. If you go out there, I'll tell 'em you kidnapped me. 242 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:18,225 And I'll tell 'em I didn't. Then I'll tell 'em you did. 243 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:21,661 - I'll tell 'em he didn't. - Then I'll tell 'em you put my underwear on your head. 244 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,064 Uh-oh. 245 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,599 I'm sorry, Earl. I really did think it was a mask. 246 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:38,611 Hit. We're in hour two of the Camden kidnapper standoff. 247 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:41,514 Usually, the Palm Tree Motel isn't known for its views, 248 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,284 but today, there may be a view to a kill. 249 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,386 All right. We gotta do somethin'. 250 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,388 We can't just stay locked up in here forever. 251 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:52,092 Why not? It's fun. Alby, you're not thinkin' this thing through. 252 00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:54,261 How long do you think we can stay locked up here? 253 00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,363 We don't even have any food. Just give up. 254 00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:03,270 They said they're gonna kill me if you don't give us pizza. 255 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,406 - Alby, what are you doing? - Tell 'em we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni. 256 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,708 Randy! 257 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:12,212 Okay, there's gotta be a way. 258 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,215 Maybe Catalina's outside explaining that we're not kidnappers. 259 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,984 She knows about Alby and my list. 260 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,588 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, Catalina's an illegal immigrant... 261 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,091 and thought all the SWAT teams were out there for her. 262 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,998 Hey, hey, hey. No. That's my son up there. 263 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:39,372 Don't worry, Alby. We're not gonna let anything happen to you. 264 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:43,176 We're not-- When we wanna use the bullhorn, we ask to use the bullhorn. 265 00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:46,146 We do not snatch the bullhorn. 266 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,652 - See? Your dad cares about you. - [ Scoffs ] 267 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:57,357 He's just saying that 'cause the cameras are here. He doesn't wanna look like a bad dad on TV. 268 00:15:57,390 --> 00:16:01,161 Earl, it's almost 2:00. Can we switch the TV over and watch Win, Lose or Draw? 269 00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:02,429 [ Sighs ] 270 00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,434 [ Earl Narrating ] A simple misunderstanding gets less simple... 271 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,769 once you add choppers and a SWAT team. 272 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,671 Those guys have bazookas. 273 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,776 I can't take it anymore. I'm goin' out there. 274 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,412 - I'll tell 'em you kidnapped me. - Fine. Say whatever you want. 275 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,581 I'm gonna tell the truth and take my chances. 276 00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:25,152 [ Reporter ] The Camden police department has identified the kidnapper as Earl Hickey. 277 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:28,221 With me is the alleged kidnapper's former wife, Joy Turner. 278 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,291 Joy, what was it like being married to a monster? 279 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,094 Frankly, I didn't know he was capable of somethin' like this. 280 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:37,264 But I know earlier in the week he was asking about spending nights with the boy. 281 00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:39,466 So this was planned? 282 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,202 But it was okay, because the boy was on his list. 283 00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:44,304 He has a list of boys? 284 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,639 [ Joy ] Look, before this goes any further-- Excuse me-- 285 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,076 I just wanna say one thing. 286 00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,644 If you're lookin' for a reasonably priced manicure gentle enough for a woman, 287 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,780 but man enough for a half-fruit, call Joy's Nails. 288 00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:55,615 We're in the book. 289 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,752 You know the suspect. Do you have anything to add? 290 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:04,124 Well, I-I don't know if he's watching, but if he is, hey, Earl! 291 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,627 Hey, Crab Man. 292 00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,298 What I do is push these cuticles back. 293 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,366 That'll look a lot more clean. 294 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,402 Is this what you need to be doing now? 295 00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,770 Sir, it's a waiting game. Look, I'm tired of waiting. 296 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:23,276 That's not cool, man. 297 00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:25,445 He's leaving. 298 00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:29,482 He's not even pretending to care anymore. 299 00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:33,786 Alby, pretending that you're kidnapped isn't helping your relationship with your dad. 300 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:37,657 And to be honest, it's straining our relationship a little bit. Will you stop poking me? 301 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:41,461 I'm just trying to catch that cool little dot that's on your back. 302 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,296 [ Gasps ] Now it's on your belly. 303 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:46,266 - [ Gasps, Grunts ] - It went away. 304 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,303 There it is. [ Grunts ] 305 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:53,806 There's been a new development in the child kidnapping case. 306 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:58,411 The victim's father has climbed the fire escape to the motel roof. 307 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,249 What is that jackass doing? 308 00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:09,789 Well, I'll be damned. 309 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,558 [ Crowd Murmuring ] 310 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:17,797 Hey, look. I see your dad's legs on TV and out there in real life too. 311 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:24,704 - Shoot that idiot with a beanbag. - Alby. 312 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:27,440 - [ Groans ] - Dad! 313 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,848 Dad, are you okay? 314 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:40,453 Alby. [ Laughs ] 315 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,689 [ Crowd Murmuring ] I love you, Son. 316 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,857 [ All ] Aw. 317 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:49,162 Let's go home, Alby. 318 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,198 Ah. [ Chuckles ] 319 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,170 [ Earl Narrating ] It was hard to be upset with Alby. 320 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,872 He was just a kid who wanted to know his dad loved him. 321 00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:02,442 Even though he could be a pain sometimes, 322 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,245 seein' Alby happy made me happy too. [ Gunshot ] 323 00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,814 - [ Glass Shatters ] - I just wish he was a little quicker... 324 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,817 - to explain our situation to the police. - Hey, look, Earl. Fancy smoke. 325 00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,852 Aw, it's making me sad. 326 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:15,422 Randy, put it down. But it's so pretty. 327 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,624 Randy, put that thing-- Randy, put it down! 328 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,892 I really like it, Earl. [ Coughing ] 329 00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:24,397 Put it down, Randy! [ Sobbing ] It's really, really pretty. 330 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:27,600 [ Coughing Continues ] Randy, put it down. 331 00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:30,503 [ Sobbing Continues ] It's real pretty, Earl. See how pretty it is? 332 00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:44,217 Hey, Earl? Yeah, Randy? 333 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,853 Did you hear about me and the Cheeto? 334 00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:49,889 No. What happened? Oh, it was pretty amazing. 335 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,992 I was eatin' some Cheetos, and I missed my mouth with one, 336 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,728 and it bounced off my chin and onto my shoulder, 337 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:59,999 and then it rolled all the way down my arm and right back into the bag. 338 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,735 Sounds pretty amazing. Yeah. 339 00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:06,005 Everyone at the Crab Shack's talkin' about it. 340 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:09,342 Cool. Good night, Randy. 341 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,278 Good night, Earl. 342 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:27,260 I made it up, Earl. I know you did. 343 00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:30,463 Last year you told me the same story about a Good & Plenty. 344 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,667 Be pretty cool if it happened though. 345 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,669 Yeah, it'd be cool.