1
00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,937
My name is Earl.

2
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:07,708
[ Earl Narrating ]
Some things are so amazing, you
have to capture 'em on film.

3
00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,710
Like U.F.O.s or bigfoot.

4
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,012
[ Shutter Clicks ]
Or Joy doin' volunteer work.

5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,981
Cherry, bucket.

6
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,584
[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy had recently gotten
in trouble with the law,

7
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:18,819
and her deaf lawyer
thought it might help
sway a jury...

8
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:21,822
if she could prove
that she was a givin'
member of society.

9
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:23,891
Hey, Earl,
get this on film.

10
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,260
I'm gettin' ready to hug one
of these old coots in a second.

11
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:29,630
[ Man ]
Hey, is that Earl Hickey?

12
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:32,100
[ Earl Narrating ]
I recognized that voice
as soon as I heard it.

13
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,902
It was Tom Sparks.
Number 50 on my list--

14
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,405
kicked the lead singer
out of my band.

15
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,708
Sometimes great things
just happen by accident.

16
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:44,312
Like the way peanut butter
and chocolate came together.
Or Mount Rushmore.

17
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,914
Or how we started our band.
** [ Radio: "Frankenstein" ]

18
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:50,751
** [ Continues ]
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa *

19
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:52,620
* Da-da-dada-da *

20
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:56,724
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa
Da-da-dada-da *

21
00:00:56,790 --> 00:01:02,330
** [ Continues ]
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa
Da-da-dada-da *

22
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,932
** [ High-pitched ]
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa *

23
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:07,801
* Da-da-dada-da *

24
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:12,606
* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa
Da-da-dada-da **

25
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:16,744
** [ Turns Volume Down ]
Yeah. Yeah, buddy.
Hey, man, that was hot.

26
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:19,247
We sounded good.
Randy, where'd you learn
how to drum like that, buddy?

27
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,315
Right there, just then.
No way.

28
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,451
You know what?
We should start a band.

29
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,986
Van Halen started
with two brothers.

30
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,889
We could be Van Hickey.
And Ralph.

31
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:32,360
Hey, you know, I bet if we
played real instruments, we
could have sex with real girls.

32
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,695
Yeah, rock and roll, buddy!
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.

33
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:38,266
- [ Man ]
Hey, you guys formin' a band?
- Damn straight, clown.

34
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,034
You need a lead singer?

35
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:45,105
Yeah, I guess we do.
Hold on, Earl. How do we know
this clown can even sing?

36
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,107
[ Singsongy ]
Hello, may I take your order?

37
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,210
Would you like to try
our new fish tacos?

38
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:54,315
You can add "guaca-mole"
for only 99 cents extra.

39
00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:57,985
You're in, buddy.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

40
00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,288
Whoo!
Rock and roll, buddy!

41
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:03,524
[ Earl Narrating ]
The lead singer's the most
important person in a band.

42
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,294
The Stones have Jagger,
The Who have Daltrey,

43
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:11,332
and we had... well, this guy,
who looked older than
both of 'em put together.

44
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:15,603
Hey, it's my band!
Here, let me get my glasses
to get a good look at you.

45
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,341
[ Earl Narrating ]
After a couple of rehearsals,

46
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,676
we booked a gig
at the Crab Shack
for 20 bucks each,

47
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,145
but we weren't doin' it
for the money.

48
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,216
Hey, ladies.
We're rock stars.

49
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,150
You can tell from
our rock star pants.

50
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:32,853
See all the zippers?
Guess what's in that zipper.

51
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,591
- Licorice.
- Maybe I'll see what's
in the other zippers.

52
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,093
- More licorice.
- [ Laughing ]

53
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,596
Hello, ladies.

54
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,999
MTV. Video games.
The Internet.

55
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,669
I think your dad's
havin' a stroke.

56
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:52,640
I'm not his dad.
I'm the lead singer.
The top cat. [ Growls ]

57
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,876
Ew! If I wanted to
get hit on by an old guy,
I'd move back home.

58
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,446
Let's go.

59
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,416
[ Earl Narrating ]
The fact that Tom was
scarin' away the chicks...

60
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,485
was a bit unpopular
with the guys.

61
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:07,521
All in favor of kickin'
the old guy out of the band.

62
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:15,195
Now all in favor of keepin'
the old guy who's creepin'
out all the chicks, man.

63
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:21,201
- Sorry, Tom, you're out.
- Oh, yeah?

64
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:24,438
Well, maybe
the three of you are out.
Did you ever think about that?

65
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:28,909
Hey, man, whatever makes you
feel better about leavin' as
fast as possible, all right?

66
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:31,345
- Fine.
- [ Earl Narrating ]
It was tough.

67
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:35,015
But Ralph was right.
Tom was holdin' us back.

68
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:39,219
Could one of you guys give me
a ride home? I'm not allowed
to drive after sunset.

69
00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:41,422
- Oh, yeah, buddy.
Come on.
- Thanks.

70
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:44,825
[ Earl Narrating ]
That Friday night Phish Tahko
gave its debut performance.

71
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,794
** [ "Frankenstein" ]
We even gave out T-shirts...

72
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:50,398
to anybody who promised to
take 'em off after the show.

73
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,566
** [ Fades ]

74
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,903
So in keeping with
true rock star fashion,
after the show,

75
00:03:55,969 --> 00:04:00,040
we took the chicks
back to Ralph's mom's house
and partied in our underwear.

76
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,009
[ Screaming ]

77
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,013
Mom!

78
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,449
[ Earl Narrating ]
Ralph's mom even made us
Rice Krispie squares.

79
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,484
[ Ralph ]
Yeah! Look at that right there.

80
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,353
[ Earl Narrating ]
After explaining my list to Tom,

81
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:16,690
I apologized and offered him
the 20 bucks he would have made
from the gig.

82
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,627
Don't want your 20 bucks.
Want to be back in the band.

83
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:22,496
Sorry to tell you, Tom,
but there is no band.

84
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:27,335
We played one gig, got drunk,
got laid and sold our
instruments to get more beer.

85
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,269
Well, at least you had
the one night.

86
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:33,607
You got to experience
the thrill of the show.
The party with the chicks.

87
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:38,111
See, everybody in here's got,
you know, one great memory
they can look back on.

88
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:41,349
You know, like, how
they climbed a mountain.
How they fought in a war.

89
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:44,985
I once tongue kissed
a Jamaican woman.

90
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,488
See?
Everybody's got somethin'.

91
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,623
What do I got?
Nothin'.

92
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:53,093
You took away my one shot
at bein' a-- a rock star.

93
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,563
You know what, Tom?

94
00:04:55,629 --> 00:05:00,768
I don't think I can make you
a rock star, but I can sure
give you one hell of a memory.

95
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,070
I think it's time to get
the band back together.

96
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,706
[ Earl Narrating ]
After rentin' some
second-hand instruments...

97
00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:08,876
and explaining my situation
to the guys, everybody agreed.

98
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:12,380
It was time for Phish Tahko
to feed its fans once again.

99
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:15,383
All right, guys, remember,
when one of us stops playin',
we all stop playin',

100
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,284
'cause that means
the song's over.

101
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,820
When one of us starts playin',
that means the next song's
startin'.

102
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,990
There's still licorice
in here.

103
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,793
Hey, T., I'm sorry about votin'
you out of the band before,
buddy.

104
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:28,762
It's cool.
No, man.
I was young and immature,

105
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,031
and, you know, I didn't
have much of a father figure,

106
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,734
so I didn't know about,
you know, respect your elders...

107
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:37,004
and manners and simple kindness
even, buddy.

108
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,840
[ Tom ]
It's okay.
Who's the old guy?

109
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:42,643
That's it. We gotta
kick Tom out of the band.
All in favor.

110
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:46,079
You can't kick me out again.
I'm on Earl's list. Here.

111
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,015
Right between, um,

112
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,684
"I've been wasteful"
and "Slept with Ralph's mom."

113
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:57,691
Number 51--
"Slept with Ralph's mom."

114
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:02,463
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was true. I did sleep
with Ralph's mom.

115
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:05,098
But it wasn't entirely my fault.

116
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:08,135
- [ Laughing ]
- Hey, there.

117
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:12,305
Which one of you wants to
come check out the glow stars
on my bedroom ceiling?

118
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,508
- I do.
- Wasn't talkin' to you, Randy.

119
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,477
I'm lookin' for somebody
a little bit more photogenic.

120
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,746
- I'll go.
- Yeah.

121
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,682
Hey, the two of you
can take the laundry room.

122
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:25,385
- Are there stars in there?
- Only you, rock star.

123
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:28,155
- [ Giggling ]
- [ Ralph ] Whoo!

124
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,524
[ Earl Narrating ]
After a show, a rock star
needs an outlet...

125
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,426
where he can let off
his extra energy.

126
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:37,064
Unfortunately,
my outlet had a sweet tooth
and binged on Jell-O shots.

127
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:40,233
* See the man
with the lonely eyes *

128
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,203
* Oh, take his hand *

129
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:47,174
* You'll be surprised **

130
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,111
[ Earl Narrating ]
And there she was. She wasn't
young, but she was conscious.

131
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:56,650
And besides, she made us
Rice Krispie squares.

132
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:10,130
Earl, did you sleep
with Ralph's mom?

133
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:13,767
Ralph, look, I'm sorry.
It was-- It was a mistake.

134
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:29,550
That's why she always
sends you a Christmas card.

135
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,887
[ Earl Narrating ]
If there's a top 10 list
of topics...

136
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,123
a man never wants to
discuss with another man,

137
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,493
I'd bet "Sorry I slept with
your mom" ranks number two.

138
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,630
- Right after "Sorry
I slept with your dad."
- Ralph,

139
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:45,566
I'm really sorry you had to
find out that way.

140
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:50,704
I've always wanted to tell you,
even before I started my list.
I feel awful.

141
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:53,173
Me, too, Earl.
You know, I've been
rackin' my brain...

142
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,910
tryin' to make this right
between us, given that we're
lifelong friends and all.

143
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,947
And seems like there's
only one fair solution.

144
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:04,117
- I'm gonna have to kill you.
- [ Laughing ]
Kill me?

145
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,387
Don't take it personal.
Believe me, nobody's gonna
miss you more than me.

146
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:10,991
Ralph, you're not
really gonna kill me?

147
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:13,093
You're gonna kill me.

148
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,228
I don't really have
a choice, you know.

149
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,498
I thought about cuttin'
your junk off, but that just
don't feel right, buddy.

150
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,668
[ Chuckles ]
No. No, no, it doesn't.

151
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:24,071
Damn, I really painted you
into a corner, didn't I?

152
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,607
Oh, shoot, man,
I've been in corners before.

153
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:31,511
Anyway, listen, given that we're
lifelong friends, I figured
I'd give you about 12 hours...

154
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:34,014
to get your affairs in order
and say your good-byes,
all right?

155
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,584
Wait, wait. No, no, Ralph.
There's gotta be a way, man.

156
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:40,053
Earl, I'd appreciate it if you
didn't touch me with the same
hand that defiled my mother.

157
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,559
I'm sorry, Ralph, but there's
gotta be another way, man.

158
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:48,261
Eleven hours
and 59 minutes.

159
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,233
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since I knew I couldn't get
Ralph to change his mind,

160
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,403
I went to talk to
the one person I knew
he would listen to.

161
00:08:56,469 --> 00:09:01,575
Anyway, uh, I was hopin' you'd
talk to Ralph and get him to,
you know, not kill me.

162
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,011
Of course I will.

163
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:09,116
And don't you worry, Earl.
That boy will do anything I say.

164
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,985
Well, thank you, Mrs. Mariano.
I really appreciate it.

165
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:16,156
The question is,
what are you gonna do for me?

166
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,928
[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, clean your rain gutters?

167
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:24,598
Ooh, I like the sound of that.

168
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:28,802
Oh, Mrs. Mariano, I'm sorry.
I-I can't do this.

169
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,505
Y-You don't find me attractive,
is that it? You don't have to
look at me.

170
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,175
I've got five porn channels
and four ESPNs.

171
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,244
Wow.

172
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:41,381
Well, if I were more of a--
a porn or a sports guy,
that'd be a great offer.

173
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,918
But I can't do it to Ralph.
I'm sorry.
Well, what are you into?

174
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:49,757
You like popcorn shrimp? I can
put a plate on the nightstand
where you can reach 'em.

175
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,660
[ Engine Starts ]
He's gonna kill you.

176
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,629
[ Tires Squealing ]

177
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,098
[ Catalina ]
Men don't like it when other men
sleep with their mothers.

178
00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:01,635
It is why my brother
killed my father.
Do you have to leave town?

179
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,271
Why don't we just kill Ralph?
That'd keep him from
killin' you.

180
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:07,307
That's no good.
Then his spirit will
haunt your dreams.

181
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,877
But if he kills you,
you get to haunt his dreams,
so you win.

182
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,912
Yeah, I don't know
if I want to win like that.

183
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:14,948
[ Earl Narrating ]
I figured I better get out of
town until Ralph calmed down.

184
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:17,617
And since that could
take till forever,

185
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:21,789
I decided it'd be nice
to stop by my folks' house
and tell 'em good-bye.

186
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:26,426
Hey, good buddy.
Ralph, what are you
doin' here?

187
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:29,596
Well, I figured
another way out of this mess
without havin' to kill you.

188
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:33,701
Really?
Yeah. I'm gonna sleep
with your mom. [ Chuckles ]

189
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,803
Yeah, buddy.

190
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,672
- Wait. Wait. What-What
are you talkin' about?
- Hey, look who's here.

191
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:42,175
Hey, Earl. Ralph came by
here lookin' for you,

192
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,978
and he accidentally spilled
some tomato juice on his pants.

193
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:48,115
Yeah, I was all thumbs, buddy.
Completely spilled it.

194
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,350
I told him,
take those pants off.
Yeah, and off went the pants.

195
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:53,821
- Now they're in the dryer.
- Yeah, now I'm wearin'
your daddy's robe.

196
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:58,225
- Wait, where is Dad?
- Someone threw a brick through
the front window of the store,

197
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,293
and he went down there
to get the glass replaced.

198
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,097
World full of weirdos.
Oh, boy, ain't it the truth.

199
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,267
Just seems like you can't even
leave the house anymore.

200
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,840
[ Buzzer Buzzes ]
Uh-oh, pants are done.
I'll be back.

201
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:16,209
Yeah. Sweetheart.
She's a sweetheart.

202
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:19,880
Look, Ralph, I appreciate you
tryin' to find a way
not to kill me,

203
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:22,750
but there is no way my mom's
ever gonna sleep with you.

204
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,518
You're good enough to sleep
with my mom, but I ain't good
enough to sleep with yours?

205
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,756
No, look, you're good enough,
but I just don't think
she's gonna go for it.

206
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,124
We'll see about that, buddy.

207
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,066
[ Kay Muttering ]
[ Slaps ]

208
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,937
Earl, I got-- I better
go help your dad.

209
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:48,041
There's plenty of cookies
for everybody, but don't
spoil your dinner.

210
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:50,477
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
Uh, yeah,
just for the record,

211
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,814
your mom doesn't like the, uh,
under-the-arms-around-the-side
double-boob scoop.

212
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,649
I-I don't know what
to say to that, Ralph.

213
00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:01,454
Yeah, well, it doesn't
really matter, 'cause, uh,
your time's up anyways.

214
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,690
Wai-- Hold--
What are you doin', Ralph?
Let's talk about this!

215
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,960
My mama, Earl. I lived in her
for nine months when I was
just an itty-bitty baby!

216
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:10,730
That was my first home!
You broke into my home, man!

217
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:13,867
- I didn't break in.
The door was wide open.
- [ Mouthing Words ]

218
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,536
Uh-- Uh, not wide open.
Just wi-wide enough to get in.

219
00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:19,639
Well, tell it to Jesus.
You disgraced
his favorite angel.

220
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:22,642
She is an angel! A princess!
The most perfect woman
in the whole world!

221
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:25,378
I wish I could have
married her!

222
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,747
You do?

223
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,819
Of course.

224
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:36,356
Keeps me up sometimes just,
you know, thinkin' about
what I missed out on.

225
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,462
Marry my mama.

226
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,833
Yeah, well, I guess what
you did wouldn't be so bad
if y'all end up gettin' married.

227
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,101
Yeah, that'll work.

228
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,840
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's how I got married
to Ralph's mom.

229
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,248
[ Earl Narrating ]
So me and Ralph's mom
got married.

230
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,416
I guess you wouldn't call it
a shotgun wedding.

231
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:06,920
It was more like
a cocked-handgun-pressed-firmly
against-your-temple wedding.

232
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,122
What a day!
What a day!

233
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:12,792
Well, I'm gonna get out of this
dress before I spill somethin'
on it and can't return it.

234
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,794
Besides, this tag
is diggin' in my armpit.

235
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:18,932
Hey, Randy, wait till you
see our room, man.

236
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:23,003
Mom let me get a strobe light.
Just give me a few minutes
to put on "Mr. Roboto," man.

237
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:26,639
I'm gonna blow your mind, buddy.
[ Chuckling ]

238
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:30,743
I'm glad you're not dead, Earl.
I am, too, Randy.
It's a good feeling.

239
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:35,582
So is there more to this plan
or are we just gonna live here
forever?

240
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:39,619
Randy, you know you don't
always have to live
where I live, don't you?

241
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,989
What do you mean?

242
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:45,725
Never mind.
Yeah, we'll be here forever.

243
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,595
[ Earl Narrating ]
Gettin' suddenly married
to your best friend's mom...

244
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,464
so he won't kill you
can have an unsettling effect.

245
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:55,202
So it felt good to get back
to somethin' normal-- my list.

246
00:13:56,469 --> 00:14:00,273
Oh, man, I can't believe it.
Phish Tahko lives.

247
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,275
That's right, buddy.
The band is back together.

248
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,045
We're playin' the Crab Shack
Friday night.

249
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:10,117
[ All ]
Red rover, red rover,
send Betty right over.

250
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,510
[ Earl Narrating ]
Just like that,
I was a family man again.

251
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:40,380
So far, this marriage was better
than my last one.

252
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:44,484
My wife cooked,
and at least one of my kids
was a blood relation to me.

253
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:56,163
And compared to all the sirens
and the loud hooker fights
at the motel,

254
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,398
livin' here was peaceful
and homey.

255
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:01,634
And we actually
spent time together
like a real family.

256
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:12,379
And I found it was easier
puttin' these boys to bed
than my last two.

257
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:16,783
Mainly 'cause these boys
drank themselves to sleep
before story time.

258
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:21,188
And I know it might sound crazy,
but as far as
forced marriages go,

259
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,490
this one was turnin' out
pretty nice.

260
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:27,194
I guess bein' married to
Ralph's mom was somethin'
I could get used to.

261
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,997
And at least I could have
if not for one thing.

262
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:34,334
I had a new older wife
who expected me to fulfill
my husbandly duties.

263
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:38,371
Sorry.
Uh, I just ate a big meal.
M-My doctor says, uh,

264
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,941
I have to wait at least
three hours before swimmin'
or humpin',

265
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:45,578
so don't wait up.

266
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,181
[ Earl Narrating ]
And every night that week,
after the boys went to bed,

267
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:51,051
I came up with a new way
to avoid my husbandly duties.

268
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,653
There's a bunch of birds
unfairly attackin' a squirrel
on the lawn.

269
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,923
- I gotta get involved.
- [ Door Closes ]

270
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,759
Don't wait up.

271
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:02,762
The string
came out of my sweatpants.
It's gonna be an all-nighter.

272
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:05,332
The Chinese are on the march.
I'm on hold with Mike
from Bombay.

273
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,134
He's tryin' to walk me
through the new toaster.

274
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,901
Randy got out.
Gotta go find him.

275
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,705
I have to drive three counties
over to get some rubbers.
I'm an odd size.

276
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,378
[ Snores ]
Hey.

277
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:21,581
- What in the hell's
wrong with you?
- Nothin'.

278
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,552
I mean, I got a little bit
of a crick in my neck, but--

279
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:28,521
Yeah, well, my mom told me
you ain't consummated
your holy matrimony yet,

280
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,723
so I'm gonna ask you again,
what the hell's wrong with you?

281
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:34,161
Ralph, look,
makin' an honest woman
out of your mom was easy,

282
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:37,097
but the consummatin' part
may be a hurdle I can't jump.

283
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:41,101
- So, what are you sayin'?
My mom's not foxy?
- No, your mom's foxy.

284
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,636
But you have to admit,
she's also--

285
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:48,641
An angel?
A female angel?
With female needs.

286
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:52,445
Now, look, I know
this is gonna sound crazy,
given where we started and all,

287
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,348
but if you don't
sleep with my mom,

288
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,484
I think I'm gonna
have to kill you.

289
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:04,357
[ Sighs ]
Fine. I'll do it tonight
after the show.

290
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:07,294
But once I consummate your mom,
I'm officially your stepdad,

291
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:11,831
and I won't stand for
any more threats on my life.
Done.

292
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,666
[ Earl Narrating ]
So that was it.

293
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,269
And unlike the last time
Phish Tahko played,

294
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:21,374
I wasn't thinkin' about how nice
it was gonna be to have sex
with the girl in the front row.

295
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:27,780
All right, let's get ready to
tear the roof off this mother!

296
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,850
Not really, though.
Please, stay off the roof.

297
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,052
Phish Tahko!

298
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:42,129
** [ "Frankenstein" ]

299
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:59,246
Tom, the way you sang tonight,
buddy, I'm definitely
comin' to your funeral.

300
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,148
[ Earl Narrating ]
We put on a great show.

301
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:05,118
- But I wasn't lookin' forward
to my next performance.
- Excuse me.

302
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:07,954
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since bein' drunk helped me
through this the first time,

303
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:12,159
I decided I'd better be
twice as drunk this time.
Crabman, shot of whiskey.

304
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:19,332
[ Man ]
* I am drowning in
a whiskey river *

305
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:24,036
* Bathing my memory'd mind *

306
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,839
Crabman, another shot.
* In the wetness of its soul *

307
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:34,581
* Feeling the amber current
flowin' from my mind *

308
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:39,018
Crabman, three more shots.
You know what?
Just-Just leave the bottle.

309
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:42,121
* Empty heart you left so cold *

310
00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:47,727
* Whiskey river
take my mind *

311
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:52,465
* Don't let her memory
torture me **

312
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,303
[ Body Thuds ]
[ Bottle Clatters ]

313
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,410
Earl.

314
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,613
Earl.
Did I do it?

315
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:10,250
Is it over?
Did I consummate my marriage?

316
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:14,687
No. But you did try to
consummate that bar stool.
I just left you two alone.

317
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,426
See you, Earl.
See you, Earl.

318
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,496
[ Earl Narrating ]
The worst part of
the two-mile walk home...

319
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,865
was that it
sobered me up a little.

320
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:30,136
But I was still determined
to make love to my new wife.

321
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,171
The thing was--
[ Gasps ]

322
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,343
Tom had beat me to it.

323
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,545
Funny thing about
bein' in a band is...

324
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:41,281
no matter how young
and good-looking
the bass player is,

325
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,251
chicks always dig
the lead singer.

326
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,924
So while I was workin' hard
to lose my grip on reality,

327
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:56,663
Tom was gettin' a pretty good
grip on Lorraine.

328
00:19:56,729 --> 00:20:00,267
It was clear that
me and Ralph's mom
didn't belong together.

329
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:04,437
So after the annulment,
her and Tom continued
seeing each other.

330
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:08,641
And Ralph was no longer mad
at me, since I'd made an honest
woman out of his mom.

331
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,378
And Tom was more than
just her new boyfriend.

332
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,546
He was the father figure
that Ralph never had.

333
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,385
And that made everybody happy.

334
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:31,030
* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto *

335
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:34,301
* Domo arigato
Mr. Roboto *

336
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,570
* Mata ah-oo hima de *

337
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,907
* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto *

338
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:48,815
* Himitsu wo shiri tai *

339
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:52,419
* You're wondering who I am *
* Secret, secret *

340
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:57,189
* I've got a secret *
* My true identity *

341
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,492
* I'm Kilroy *

342
00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:05,432
** [ Ends ]