1 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,375 Was there another shoot-out? No. 2 00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,777 Some drunk guys tried to shoot down a hot air balloon. 3 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:12,780 They got it on fire, then it drifted out of sight. 4 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,216 What's with the tiny suit? Well, a few years back, 5 00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,752 I used to think it was funny to get drunk and pull wigs off old ladies' heads. 6 00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:22,756 [ Giggles ] They were always like-- [ Sobbing ] 7 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:25,226 Anyway, I was at the beauty parlor making up for it, 8 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,295 and one of the old ladies was so grateful, 9 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,797 she gave me her dead husband's best suit as a thank-you. 10 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:33,434 - I think it's too small. - But she said he was my size before he started shrinking. 11 00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:36,470 I figure, in 40 years, it'll fit perfect. 12 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:40,574 You always get a good feeling from what you do-- or a suit. 13 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:44,478 I spent my morning sweeping up bullet casings and a variety of fancy cheeses. 14 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,481 - Fancy cheeses? - The people in the hot air balloon fought back. 15 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,218 I caught a cell phone and a shoe. 16 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:53,554 I feel bad for you, Catalina. Tell you what. 17 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:56,790 You can do a list item with me. You might get a good feelin'. 18 00:00:56,857 --> 00:01:00,628 Or a dead man's suit. Thank you. I'd love to. 19 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:04,265 [ Cell Phone Rings ] 20 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,337 Hello. [ Man ] Is Penelope there? 21 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,539 No, she's not. [ Indistinct ] 22 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:15,476 Last time I saw her, she was floatin' towards the freeway. Thank you. 23 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:18,479 Wonder how you change the ringer on this thing. 24 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,814 My name is Earl. 25 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,020 [ Earl Narrating ] Catalina was excited to help me with my list... 26 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,124 'cause she was hopin' doin' somethin' good would make her feel good. 27 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:33,627 I guess karma's contagious. We were takin' care of number 75-- 28 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:37,598 - used the mailbox as a trash can. - [ Both Groaning ] 29 00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:41,535 Ew! It smells like that stab wound you wouldn't get looked at. 30 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,504 [ Earl Narrating ] A couple years back, 31 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,973 they moved the Dumpster across the road in the trailer park. 32 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,477 It was more convenient for the trashmen but less convenient for me and Randy. 33 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,517 And because things that are easy become habit, 34 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:59,052 pretty soon we were usin' the mailbox for all our trash. 35 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,390 We knew it was wrong, but we were lazy. 36 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,560 I found some letters. 37 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,896 I think they've been stuck for a while. 38 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,734 Shamrock milk shake. That was a good day. 39 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,537 Oh, man. These letters never got delivered because of us. 40 00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:19,473 We gotta give 'em back to the people who sent 'em. 41 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,709 This kind of thing happens all the time on the list. 42 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,878 You're doin' one thing, and bam, it's somethin' else. 43 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:29,016 If you'd been watchin' him do this as long as I have, you'd know that. 44 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:32,620 I'm kind of second in charge of the list. 45 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,356 [ Earl Narrating ] Since Randy was the one drinkin' shamrock flavor, 46 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:39,460 he agreed to take his letter back, while me and Catalina took care of chocolate. 47 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,229 It was never delivered? 48 00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:44,232 This is a love letter to a woman that I worked with, 49 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,567 and when she didn't respond to me, I was humiliated. 50 00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,470 I quit my job so I wouldn't have to face her again! 51 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:51,939 Should we run? No, this happens sometimes with the list. 52 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,174 - He'll be fine. - Damn it! 53 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,913 You might want to take a couple steps back. 54 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,817 [ Giggling ] 55 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:06,587 Hey, Joy, can you help me? Only thing that'll help your... 56 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,922 worthless-never-achieve- anything-in-your- waste-of-breath-life... 57 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:12,260 is if somebody drowned you in a river. [ Chuckles ] 58 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,664 I'm just giving you a hard time, sweetie. What you need? 59 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,700 I'm tryin' to return this letter for Earl's list, 60 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,869 but the address has a shamrock smudge. 61 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,938 I've been askin' everyone in the trailer park to help me figure out who wrote it. 62 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:28,609 That's easy. Earl says it's illegal to open other people's mail. 63 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,811 That's the good thing about havin' three strikes. 64 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,147 You don't have to worry about the stupid laws anymore. Wish I had three strikes. 65 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,949 You will someday. 66 00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,754 What the-- Darnell! 67 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:45,493 You want to tell me why I have a Witness Protection Program letter... 68 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,796 sayin' that your real name is Harry Monroe? Uh, I don't know. 69 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,864 [ Earl Narrating ] That was a lie. In fact, 70 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,967 Darnell had an entire past he'd never told Joy anything about. 71 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,770 As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner. 72 00:03:56,837 --> 00:04:00,040 All the documents you need-- birth certificate, driver's license, et cetera-- 73 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,975 are in this envelope. 74 00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,977 Cool. 75 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:08,248 What do you mean, "I don't know"? 76 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,584 Okay. My real name is Harry Monroe, 77 00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,686 and the Witness Protection Program moved me to Camden County... 78 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,088 because there was a mix-up in the paperwork. 79 00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:18,225 Some tobacco company executive ended up in Compton. 80 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,260 - He only lasted two days. - Wait a minute. 81 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,262 Is Mr. Turtle in the program too? 82 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,799 Is he even really a turtle, or is he a lizard disguised in a shell? 83 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,336 -It doesn't go that deep, Randy. -Look, Mr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is. 84 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:32,205 I am not gonna live with a stranger. For all I know, you could be the Son of Sam killer. 85 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:35,343 So either you tell me who you really are, or find another place to live. 86 00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:37,745 Sorry, baby. I can't. 87 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:51,425 [ Earl Narrating ] After Will punched three more holes in his trailer, 88 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,427 he cried a little, then invited us in. 89 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:56,029 This is such a beautiful letter. 90 00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,467 "I know we're friends, but sometimes it seems like something more. 91 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,802 [ Mouthing Words ] "Give me a sign about how you feel. 92 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,737 Love, your buddy." 93 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:09,142 I never knew where I stood with Wendy. 94 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,011 We'd talk on the phone for hours, 95 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,447 we'd go to the movies, but whenever we'd say good-bye, 96 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,315 she'd kiss me on my cheek. 97 00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:18,519 - What was the kiss like? Show me. - Yeah. 98 00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:21,254 No, not on me. I can't see it if you do it on me. 99 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,957 Do it on Earl. 100 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,706 Yeah. It seems like she liked you. 101 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:42,342 I don't know. It was halfway between the ear and the lips. It could go either way. 102 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,445 Yeah. See? That's what I'm talkin' about. 103 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:48,682 And then look at this CD she burned me. 104 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,718 "Feel Like Making Love." Nice. 105 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,387 "You're My Best Friend." 106 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,756 "Stroke Me." You're lookin' good again. 107 00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:58,058 "That's What Friends Are For," 108 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:01,429 "You Got a Friend" and "Ooh, Ooh, That Smell." 109 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,831 This girl is definitely hard to read. 110 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:06,700 But now that you got the letter, you could give it another try. 111 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:09,670 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't give her that letter now. 112 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,673 We used to work together as personal trainers. 113 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,609 No, when Wendy knew me, I looked like that. 114 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:19,112 Oh, my God. You used to be hot. 115 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,148 What happened to you? 116 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,083 Uh, don't mind her. 117 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,753 Uh, she's new with helpin' people, and, uh, her life sucks. 118 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,888 She came to this country in a box. 119 00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:31,559 You look like this guy's skinny, ugly, homeless brother. 120 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,994 Uh, it was a small box, built for a monkey. 121 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:39,667 [ Earl Narrating ] Catalina wanted me to keep the letter while Will got in shape. 122 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:43,437 She was afraid he might deliver it without her, and she'd miss out on her good feelin'. 123 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:46,073 [ TV: Chattering ] Where have you been? 124 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,177 Tracked down the letter dude. Then I drove Catalina to Club Chubby for her shift. 125 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,746 Did you know they have a dancer in a wheelchair now? 126 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:57,017 It's kinda different. Like, for a lap dance, you sit on her lap. 127 00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:00,754 And if you give her a good tip, she wheels you out to your car. 128 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,525 [ Toilet Flushes ] 129 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:07,861 - Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crabman. 130 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,866 What's Crabman doin' here in his p.j.'s? 131 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,202 Oh, he's in the Witness Protection Program, 132 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,805 and Joy found out because of the letter I delivered, 133 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,107 and Darnell wouldn't tell Joy why he's in the program. 134 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,876 So Joy threw him out, and I told him he could live here. 135 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,113 Fair enough. I'll ask for extra towels tomorrow. 136 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:29,449 - Good night, Crabman. - Good night, Earl. 137 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,488 [ All Snoring ] [ Banging ] 138 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,990 Is it the witness protectors? 139 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:40,961 No. They're very polite. They usually hit my pager before they come over. 140 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,864 What about the people they're witness-protectin' you from? 141 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,399 I'd imagine they'd knock and then start shootin' when they see me. 142 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,468 All right. You better hide then. 143 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,043 Will? I'm havin' a bad night, Earl. 144 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,612 I heard Wendy's still single, and I started to think, 145 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,081 what if she meets a guy before I get back into shape? 146 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:04,084 Hmm? 147 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:08,388 Oh, I'm sorry. You're havin' a little private thing. 148 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:12,159 Oh, no, no, no, no. That-That-That's just my brother. We share a room. 149 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,927 They don't have rooms with two beds here? 150 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,429 They do, but not with a pool view. 151 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,566 But look. It's not weird. We're family. 152 00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:26,339 Oh, right. Uh, that's our friend Darnell. He's, uh, spendin' the night. 153 00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:29,242 He's, uh, under the covers 'cause, uh-- 154 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:35,048 Look, buddy. Don't worry about Wendy. 155 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,618 It's not like she's gonna fall in love overnight. Love takes time. 156 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,286 I disagree, Earl. 157 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:43,456 When I fall for someone, it happens in an instant. 158 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,292 Your lover's right. 159 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,561 If she falls for someone, I could lose her forever. 160 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,630 What am I gonna do if I lose her forever? 161 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,064 He could lose her forever, Earl. 162 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,933 I heard him. I can't lose her again. 163 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,168 - He can't lose her again. - If I lose her forever, 164 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,337 you'll never be able to cross me off your list. 165 00:08:57,404 --> 00:09:00,040 How you gonna cross me off your list if she finds another guy? I don't know. 166 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,009 The list! I forgot about the list. 167 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,944 - What are you gonna do, Earl? - I don't know. 168 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,013 - You have to know! - What are we gonna do? 169 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,248 - Answer him, Earl! - I told you. I don't know. 170 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,417 Earl. 171 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,285 Why don't you just go down to the gym... 172 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:15,022 and keep an eye on Wendy until Will's ready to talk to her? 173 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:18,025 Oh. Smart and handsome. I can see why you're with him. 174 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,093 [ Earl Narrating ] So I took Darnell's advice... 175 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,896 and went to the gym Wendy worked at to keep an eye on her. 176 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:26,867 I'd like to try that two weeks free Better Badonkadonk Bonanza membership thing. 177 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,236 I even requested Wendy as my personal trainer. 178 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,805 I already knew my way around a gym, but I figured... 179 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:35,776 it would be an easy way to keep guys away from her. Hey. Are you Earl Hickey? 180 00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:40,714 Problem was, I didn't know how I was gonna protect her from me. 181 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,816 [ Voice Cracking ] Yeah, I'm Earl Hickey. 182 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,291 [ TV: Chattering ] 183 00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:59,566 I got a problem. This Wendy chick is pretty hot. 184 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,235 [ Earl Narrating ] Not just any kind of hot. The kind of hot... 185 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,938 that makes you walk up stairs to nowhere long past the point... 186 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:07,507 when you realized you should've worn something more supportive. 187 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:11,879 Wow. You're really kicking ass. Yeah, well, I've been walkin' up stairs my whole life. 188 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,981 Sometimes two at a time. [ Chuckles ] 189 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:17,084 And she wasn't just hot either. She was cool. 190 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,587 So, AC/DC, huh? I met those dudes once. 191 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,723 Seriously? Yeah. My mom was... 192 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:26,293 one of the groupies Bon Scott was doin' around the time that he died. 193 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,729 She brought me to Bon's funeral. Get out of town. 194 00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:31,431 Honest to God. I even got a picture with him. 195 00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:33,901 It was open casket. [ Mouths Word ] 196 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:39,106 Guys, I think I like Wendy. 197 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,875 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No. 198 00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:45,512 No, that's Will's girl. You can't do this to me, Earl. You can't screw up my only chance... 199 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:48,015 to cross something off your list and get a good feeling. 200 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,718 I need this in my life. I scrub toilets all day, and at night... 201 00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,786 I dance for drunk losers who flick nickels at my ass. 202 00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,654 I'm going crazy. 203 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,157 I need to feel good about something before I kill someone again. 204 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:04,097 What? 205 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,999 You said you were gonna kill someone. 206 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,802 It's a figure of speech. "I'm gonna kill someone." 207 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:12,172 Yeah, but you, uh-- You said "again." 208 00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:15,042 You did. You said "kill someone again." 209 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,411 Okay. Fine. So long as we're looking under rocks, 210 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,714 why are you sharing a bed with the Crabman? 211 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,850 Hey, hey, hey. Don't drag me into this, girl. 212 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:27,654 Look. Relax. I said I like her. I didn't say I was gonna do anything about it. 213 00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,656 Besides, it's not like she likes me back. 214 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:33,360 Fine. But if you think she starts liking you, you better back off. 215 00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,729 You're not messing this up for me, Earl. You understand? 216 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:37,865 I understand. 217 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,035 [ Whispers ] Murderer. 218 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,437 - What? - What? Oh, nothin'. 219 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,844 [ Door Opens, Closes ] 220 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:54,547 - How are things goin' with Joy? - Not so good. 221 00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:57,617 [ Earl Narrating ] In fact, Joy was so mad that no matter what Darnell tried, 222 00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:01,121 she wouldn't take him back until he told her the truth. [ All Harmonizing ] * Joy * 223 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,256 [ Synthesized Voice ] * Joy ** 224 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,196 I love you, baby. [ High-pitched Voice ] I love you, baby. 225 00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,435 I can't bear to be without you. 226 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,206 I'm sorry, babe. I got it at a costume shop. 227 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:22,442 For some reason, it seemed like it was gonna be a good idea. 228 00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,912 [ Earl Narrating ] So I went back to keepin' guys away from Wendy. 229 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:29,349 But the more I did it, the more I wondered if I was doin' it to help Will or to help me. 230 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,553 - Aaah! - Oh, my-- my bad. 231 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:37,057 Uh, you should put some ice on that before it leaves a mark. 232 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:39,426 I knew it didn't matter if I was attracted to her... 233 00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:42,295 as long as she didn't start becomin' attracted to me. 234 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:46,233 And I thought I was in the clear until she made me a mix CD. 235 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:50,103 Listen to this. "Feel Like Making Love." 236 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,873 "You're My Best Friend." "Do Me." 237 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,775 "Don't Do Me Like That." "I Want Your Sex." 238 00:12:55,843 --> 00:13:00,013 "Don't Stand So Close to Me." This girl's impossible to read. Yeah. 239 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,115 George Michael with Tom Petty? 240 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,117 Are we partyin' or just hangin' out? 241 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,889 [ Earl Narrating ] One time when her car was in the shop, 242 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,491 I gave her a ride home, and she kissed me. 243 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,063 But it was exactly halfway between my cheek and my ear. 244 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,267 Things were gettin' hard to read. 245 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:24,137 But when Wendy came by to use the pool, everything became a lot clearer. 246 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,375 Anytime a girl almost pulls her arms out of their sockets... 247 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:31,144 instead of askin' a guy to help with the lotion, well, they're just friends. 248 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,947 You want some help? Nope. I got it. 249 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:37,750 - [ Pager Beeping ] - Oh, crap. That's work. 250 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:42,022 Hey. Can I use your phone? Sure. Upstairs, next to the room with the chalk outline. 251 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:47,327 [ Earl Narrating ] I was a little hurt she didn't like me. 252 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,496 I knew it was probably for the best, 253 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:53,700 but it always hurts when someone doesn't like you as much as you like them. 254 00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:58,405 Still, it was a relief when I realized I hadn't screwed everything up for Will. 255 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,840 I brought your shoes. 256 00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:03,911 There's a turtle livin' here lately, and he likes to go for toes. 257 00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,713 Earl, this letter-- 258 00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:10,283 You read it? Uh, listen. I can explain. 259 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,053 You weren't supposed to see that yet. See-- 260 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,056 "Give me a sign about how you feel. Love, your buddy." 261 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:20,293 Well, how's this for a sign, buddy? 262 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,598 That's when I realized-- she didn't know the letter was from Will. 263 00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:28,201 Sorry. 264 00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,337 Sorry to be so forward. I, um-- 265 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,672 I once let a great guy I work with slip away... 266 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:37,577 because I was too scared to show him how I felt. Did ya now? 267 00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:40,180 [ Earl Narrating ] Wendy told me about makin' Will a mix CD... 268 00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:44,952 and how she was too scared to give him the first one she made that was all love songs. 269 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:49,356 She talked about how stupid she felt for bein' too scared to ever kiss Will on the lips. 270 00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,463 [ Frustrated Groan ] The more Wendy talked, 271 00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,099 the more I realized she had deep feelings for Will. 272 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:01,969 I was doin' all the same stupid stuff with you. 273 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:05,405 I was even too scared to ask you to help me put lotion on my back. 274 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:08,708 So, this-- this guy-- this Will-- 275 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,511 you-- you loved him? 276 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,982 Yeah, but he disappeared. I don't know what happened to him. 277 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:19,286 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew at that moment I could make two people very happy. 278 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,654 And one of those people was gonna be me. 279 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,690 Well, his loss. 280 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,627 I knew I should've told the truth, but, well, sometimes that's hard to do. 281 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,863 Especially when you have a teeny bit of someone else's tongue in your mouth. 282 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,133 [ Clears Throat ] 283 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,969 Oh, I guess they want to clean your room. 284 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,971 Well, I gotta get back to work anyway. 285 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:42,142 Hey, maybe later we can meet up at the Crab Shack and finally have a real date. 286 00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:45,545 [ Whispers ] And then maybe work our way back here. 287 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:53,320 That was Wendy, wasn't it? Oh, let me guess. 288 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:56,956 [ Latin Accent ] "In my village, you don't kiss women of men you're trying to help." 289 00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:59,826 This is America. Love it or leave it, sister. 290 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,461 You're gonna hate yourself for this. 291 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,631 Then when you go to Hallmark to get a card to make up for it, 292 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,500 you're not gonna find one because it is too specific. 293 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:14,641 When you go into the Witness Protection Program, do they let you pick your own name? 294 00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:19,679 'Cause if I ever witness anything, I'm gonna name myself Crash Fistfight. 295 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:22,349 Damn. That's a good one. 296 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,452 Oh, no. 297 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,161 That woman's lost her mind. 298 00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:47,374 What the hell were you thinkin', plastering my face on that thing? 299 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,777 If you have information about the missin' person, please call the number on the billboard. 300 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,050 Let me in for five minutes so we can talk. 301 00:16:57,117 --> 00:17:00,787 I don't want to teach my boys it's okay to let strangers in the house. 302 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:05,325 Joy, you have to take that thing down. 303 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,560 As soon as you tell me who you are, I will. 304 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,464 Dang it, baby. I can't. 305 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:16,736 When I was Harry Monroe, I had to give up everything because of what I knew, and I didn't care. 306 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,606 But if I tell you my secret now, I could lose everything again. 307 00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:23,476 And this time I do care, because I love you. 308 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:27,114 I can't start my life over without you. Don't you understand? 309 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:31,118 I can't tell you the truth because I love you too much, stupid. 310 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,522 Joy! 311 00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,674 I love you too, stupid. 312 00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:05,118 Promise you'll never kill me? Promise. 313 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:07,254 [ Cell Phone Rings ] 314 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,325 Hello. 315 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:15,328 Yes, I know that's Darnell Turner. 316 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,864 No. There's no reward, Randy. 317 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,906 [ Earl Narrating ] When I got to the Crab Shack, 318 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:30,310 I knew I was doin' wrong 'cause I had that tingly feelin' in my gut... 319 00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:32,845 I used to get before breakin' into a house. Hey. 320 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:36,449 Hey. I put in 10 bucks of Skynyrd. I hope that's okay. 321 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,918 I hope you didn't put it all on D-4, 322 00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:41,854 'cause it says "Free Bird," but it's really "Let's Hear It for the Boy." 323 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:46,459 Will? 324 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,696 Hi, Wendy. Oh, God, look at me. 325 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:53,300 All of this. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. 326 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:56,068 What the hell happened? You just disappeared. 327 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,738 I'm sorry. I sent you a letter, but it never got there, 328 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,274 but I thought it did, so I thought you didn't like me. 329 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:04,677 Then I found out you didn't get the letter, so I was gettin' in shape so I could talk to you. 330 00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,779 Then this little Mexican lady told me... 331 00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,882 I had to tell you how I felt or I might lose you forever. I love you. 332 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,786 Oh, my God, Will. Why didn't you ever say so? 333 00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:16,589 I'm so happy. 334 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:20,227 Come on. We need to leave these two to talk. 335 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,929 I'll buy you a beer. 336 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,966 You messed with my list item. No, you messed with your list item. 337 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:30,303 I just fixed it for you before you ruined it for everybody. 338 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:34,341 I also did something very bad to your toothbrush. Don't ask. Just throw it out. 339 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,783 I can see why you do your list. 340 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,254 It is a very good feeling. 341 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,056 [ Earl Narrating ] That's when I learned that sometimes with the list... 342 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,860 other people get the good feelin', and I just feel like I've been punched in the gut. 343 00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:56,829 And although Catalina probably did the right thing, 344 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:59,266 well, it didn't mean I was happy with her. 345 00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,139 It had been a long week for everybody, 346 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,977 and Darnell was happy that the billboard was down and Joy had taken him back. 347 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:14,547 We're glad you're back, Daddy. It's good to be back. 348 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,818 But he still had a secret. 349 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,020 A secret he was just itchin' to tell. 350 00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,690 Will you tell us a bedtime story? 351 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:27,427 Yeah. I think I have a story I could tell you. 352 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:34,233 Once upon a time, there was a man named Harry Monroe-- 353 00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,703 [ No Audible Dialogue ]