1 00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:04,305 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:07,007 [ Earl Narrating ] It was Christmastime. A time of hope. 3 00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:11,379 And I was hopin' I had enough bread to make 274 bologna sandwiches. 4 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:14,348 They were for the list, number 146-- 5 00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:18,252 stole Gay Kenny's lunch everyday in fifth and sixth grade. 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:22,022 Hey, one day I chewed up Kenny's sandwich, spit it out, and shoved it down his throat. 7 00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:25,459 You think I should count that one? 'Cause technically, he did eat it. 8 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,229 [ Earl Narrating ] The holidays were a time of hope for Randy too. 9 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,264 He was finally gonna make his move on Catalina. 10 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,400 I'm almost done with my love poem. 11 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,568 What's somethin' that rhymes with "cartilage?" 12 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:37,405 Or "Florida." I can go either way. 13 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,373 [ Earl Narrating ] From the first day he saw her, 14 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,775 Randy had a deep love and respect for Catalina. 15 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,777 Dibs. 16 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,914 [ Earl Narrating ] But he was too shy to ever pursue it. 17 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:51,219 Then he dated that tiny cat lady who liked him so much, she picked him over her cat. 18 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:55,123 After that, he finally got confident enough to show his love to Catalina. 19 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,758 Cat lady. Catalina. 20 00:00:57,825 --> 00:01:00,461 We had discussed that coincidence many times. 21 00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:03,297 Are you sure you want a love poem with the word "cartilage" in it? 22 00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,999 Yeah. And the next word I use can't be "heart-ilage," 23 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,636 'cause I already used that. "Heart-ilage?" 24 00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:12,005 [ Earl Narrating ] And for Joy, the holidays were also a time of hope. 25 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:15,476 She was hopin' she could stay out of jail for kidnappin' and grand larceny. 26 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:20,981 And her deaf lawyer was hopin' Joy could control her anger in a courtroom situation. 27 00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:23,117 Can you state your name? 28 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,453 Yes. It's Joy Farrah Turner. 29 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,656 Libra. 30 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:31,559 - And you're a resident of Camden? - Yes. 31 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,596 Now, Miss Turner, you've been a slut for how long now? 32 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,632 You son of a bitch! I'm gonna break every damn bone in your talkin' hands! 33 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,235 [ Screams ] [ Earl Narrating ] And that's why they were practicin'. 34 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:43,837 Joy always did have a problem controllin' her anger. 35 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:54,315 This is what I'm talking about. You can't do this in court! 36 00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:01,555 I'm sorry. It's just that deaf accent of yours gets me every time. 37 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,795 All right, I'm cool. 38 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,731 Shoot me another question. I can hold myself back. 39 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:17,238 [ Whimpering ] Kind of like the elementary school held your dopey kids back last year? 40 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:22,443 - My babies are off-limits! - No, no, no, no, no! Please don't! 41 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,378 [ Earl Narrating ] While I brought sandwiches to Kenny, 42 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:27,848 Randy continued planning his big night with Catalina. 43 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,651 The night I give her the poem and tell her I love her, 44 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,786 I'm gonna have the room decorated with stuff she likes. 45 00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:35,889 Do you know what she likes? I don't know. 46 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,226 A lot of girls like rainbows. 47 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,595 Rainbow. 48 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,532 I'm gonna need a hose. 49 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:50,238 Oh. Oh, hi, Earl, Randy. What's new? 50 00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,374 [ Man ] I can't take the crying anymore, Kenny. You're a crybaby. 51 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:56,610 And you're an emotional terrorist, that's what you are! 52 00:02:56,677 --> 00:03:00,514 Uh, I made you 274 sandwiches. 53 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:04,117 I'm sorry, Kenny. We tried, but it's not gonna work. 54 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,454 Then go! Get out! 55 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,656 I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! 56 00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:11,992 Uh, anyway, some of 'em are on white bread... 57 00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:15,629 and some on whole wheat, which I thought gay people would enjoy. 58 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,299 I hope these don't have mayo on them. I'm on a diet. 59 00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:21,802 Since I'm apparently dating again. [ Crying ] 60 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,538 [ Earl Narrating ] As much as I didn't want to stay, 61 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,574 Kenny needed someone to talk to. 62 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,609 [ Kenny ] Ever since Brokeback Mountain, 63 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:32,145 all guys want anymore are tough, strong, manly types. 64 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,516 - That movie totally ruined gay life. - Yeah, I hear ya. 65 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,651 What's he talkin' about? 66 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:43,691 What about people like me, Earl? How am I gonna find a man to love me? 67 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:47,528 Look, I, uh-- I don't know much about gay stuff, Kenny. 68 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:51,699 The gayest thing I've ever done is make all these sandwiches. 69 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:55,269 Hey, you think you could teach me how to be like you? 70 00:03:55,336 --> 00:04:00,274 Everything about you is manly-- your clothes, your scent, even your name, Earl. 71 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:03,176 Earl. Ear-r-r-rl! 72 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,280 Please stop that. 73 00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,248 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 74 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:12,820 You want me to teach you how to be less gay so you can sleep with more men? 75 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,122 Okay. 76 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,491 [ Laughs ] Oh, thank you so much! 77 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:20,093 Oh! Oh, this is gonna be oodles of fun. 78 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,364 Okay, rule number one. Don't say "oodles" unless it's followed by "noodles." 79 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,499 That's right. 80 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,038 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was tryin' to help Kenny, 81 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,875 Joy's lawyer was tryin' to help her by sendin' her to an anger management class. 82 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,610 Each of you has a disease. 83 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,712 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, because of budget cuts, 84 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,615 anyone with a control problem in Camden met in the same group. 85 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,817 It wasn't effective, but it was cheaper. 86 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:48,155 Whether it's the disease of alcoholism or out-of-control anger... 87 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:52,993 or a sex addiction or stealin' things you don't need. 88 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:58,399 But why? Why must I steal pens and only pens? 89 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,901 I have thousands of them! 90 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,805 I don't want any more. I am so ashamed! 91 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,874 Oh, for God's sake, would you suck it up? 92 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,977 Nobody gives a damn about your stupid pen problem. 93 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,547 I'm sorry, but drinkin' all the time, like Sheila over there, is not a disease. 94 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:16,817 What's on the back of her neck, that's a damn disease. 95 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,987 And wantin' sex 16 times a day just means that whoever you're with... 96 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,523 ain't gettin' the job done right the first time. 97 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:25,526 And please, havin' 300 pairs of fancy shoes... 98 00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,728 in your closet does not mean Becky is sick. 99 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:31,098 It means she's ugly, and she just wants people to stare at her feet. 100 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:36,003 No, Joy, a disease is something you have no control over. 101 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:40,374 It's somethin' you can learn to live with but cannot cure. 102 00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:44,778 A disease is somethin' that is not your fault. 103 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,248 I like that "it's not my fault" part. Keep goin'. 104 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:53,621 Well, you have what is known as Pathological Impulse Control Disorder. 105 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,090 Hot damn! Does this mean I can get crippled people parkin'? 106 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,226 [ Earl Narrating ] Although it felt a little strange, 107 00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:01,429 no one ever wanted to be like me before. 108 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,297 So helpin' Kenny was kinda fun. 109 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,968 Untuck your shirt. Really? 110 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,472 I do 20 lunges every morning to make sure I have a good butt. 111 00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:15,609 Okay. Just seems like a waste of lunges. 112 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:18,779 [ Earl Narrating ] I took Kenny to the Crab Shack to start his macho lessons. 113 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,815 Catalina came along to wire some money home. 114 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:25,018 Big stack this week. 115 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,121 Yeah. Club Chubby relaxed their no-touching policy during the holidays. 116 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:37,297 I can't stand using this machine. 117 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,266 It's too much damn responsibility. 118 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:42,269 Last month, I accidentally sent $600 to the Taliban. 119 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,404 Well, don't mess this up. 120 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,306 If the money doesn't get to my village each week, 121 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,776 the men who kidnapped my brother will cut off his finger. 122 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:52,012 He was born with 11, but as a magician, he uses them all. 123 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,750 Uh, don't cross your legs like that. 124 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,288 And take the napkin off from around your beer bottle. 125 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,957 Oh. You are such a stern taskmaster. 126 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:08,762 No, don't say words like "stern" and whatever that other thing was. 127 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,504 Oh, it's okay. I'm not stealin'. 128 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:22,309 I'm just findin' out things about Catalina to help me with the big night I'm planning. 129 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,045 She likes orange Tic Tacs, 130 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,047 keys... 131 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,083 and tampons. 132 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:31,685 Is there a pen in there? 133 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:35,989 [ Earl Narrating ] When I saw that Rosie the bookie was operatin' at the bar today, 134 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,693 I decided to introduce Kenny to the manly world of dog race bettin'. 135 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,929 Pick a dog. I don't have all day. 136 00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,797 Ooh, Tiny Dancer. 137 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,466 That's an Elton John song, lyrics by Bernie Taupin. 138 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:49,870 Just put a bet down. Be bold. 139 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:53,006 Five dollars on Tiny Dancer. 140 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:56,810 - Bolder. - [ Deepens Voice ] Five dollars on Tiny Dancer. 141 00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:02,683 [ Earl Narrating ] Tiny Dancer had a good day, and so did me and Kenny. 142 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:12,025 We bet the next race, and won that one too. 143 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:14,027 Yeah! 144 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,264 Yeah! 145 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,935 [ Earl Narrating ] And four more after that. Yeah, Tito! 146 00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:28,475 That's when I realized this was the first time I'd really gambled since I made the list. 147 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,311 Maybe karma was lookin' over my shoulder. 148 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:34,882 That weekend, I took my winnings and bought myself a Christmas present-- 149 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,884 new tires for the El Camino. 150 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:41,789 And since changin' tires was a manly activity, I figured I'd get Kenny to do it. 151 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,024 I believe that's called "multitasking." 152 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,293 After Kenny changes your tires, can we go to the store... 153 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,362 so I can get a special shirt to wear when I ask Catalina out? 154 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:53,233 I found out she likes dogs, so if they have anything made out of dog skin, that might be cool. 155 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,669 Maybe later. I need to get to the Crab Shack... 156 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:58,005 and put a few bets down while I'm still on a roll. 157 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,207 I also need bubble wrap. She likes the sound it makes... 158 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,710 when it pops 'cause it reminds her of her childhood. 159 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:06,079 You know, 'cause of all the shootin'. 160 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,052 Hey, tough guy. Want to learn how to change a tire? 161 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:15,188 Oh. Uh, sure. Uh, I was just finishing my coffee. 162 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,825 Uh-- 163 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,760 Well, where's all your stuff? 164 00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:23,530 Oh, I, uh-- I sent it all out to be cleaned. You know, for the holidays. 165 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,466 Really? Why didn't you have someone come here to clean it? 166 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,368 Well, because, uh-- 167 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,772 because I'm lying. [ Crying ] 168 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:35,743 Ever since you introduced me to gambling, I can't stop. 169 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,979 I've been betting the horses online every day. I didn't think I could lose. 170 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:42,716 I kept betting on horses named after Elton John songs. 171 00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:46,754 Damn Candle in the Wind. Cost me my velveteen settee! 172 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,890 [ Screams, Grunts ] 173 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,860 Hold on, buddy. Let's look at the bright side. 174 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,362 At least you're startin' to show some manly rage. 175 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:58,932 [ Crying ] 176 00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,703 And now you're cryin'. 177 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:12,079 Ricola! 178 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,552 [ Earl Narrating ] After losin' all his furniture, dishes, 179 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,722 and somethin' he called window treatments, 180 00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:23,857 Kenny thought he might have a gamblin' problem. 181 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:27,160 And in Camden, there was only one place for him to go. 182 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:32,399 So in a sense, gambling was a way to numb your childhood pain. 183 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:36,136 It did hurt when the kids renamed that playground game "Smear the Kenny." 184 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,806 I told you I had that on my list, Kenny. I'm gonna get to it. 185 00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:41,775 Earl, would you like to share anything today? 186 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,377 No, I'm just here 'cause Kenny was nervous about comin'. 187 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:47,614 -I'm just makin' my picks for the day. -Earl introduced me to gambling. 188 00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,382 He's super good at it. 189 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:52,652 I'll go again. Yesterday I punched a school bus. 190 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,388 Joy, we're talkin' to Earl now. 191 00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,728 So, Earl, do you do a lot of gamblin' too? Well, lately, yeah. 192 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,696 As much as I can. I'm on a roll. 193 00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:07,234 In fact, I'm startin' to feel buggy sittin' here knowin' I might miss the first race. 194 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:10,437 Earl. 195 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:14,274 Maybe you need to ask yourself if you have a gambling problem. 196 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,914 Hmm. Nope, I don't have a gambling problem. 197 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:22,950 I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. 198 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,618 That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, 199 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,155 or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. 200 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:31,691 So why don't y'all just pour some sugar on that? 201 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,228 Oh, I just thought of somethin' else I punched. 202 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,931 It was a Santa Claus beggin' for money. 203 00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:43,003 I went to the bank today. 204 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,906 [ Earl Narrating ] I was mad about bein' accused of havin' a gambling problem. 205 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:50,210 But spending the next eight hours at the Crab Shack made me feel better. 206 00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:53,914 That's it. I'm outta cash. 207 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:57,050 Oh, don't leave, Rosie. 208 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:03,590 Hey, Crabman, you want to pick a number again and I'll try to guess it? 209 00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:06,226 No, no way. I lost too much money playin' that game yesterday. 210 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:11,198 Sixteen. Whoa. You're like a X-Man or somethin'. 211 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,177 If you're lookin' for some action, I got a little thing I do. 212 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,380 Around 2:00 a.m. tonight, down in East Camden. 213 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:31,251 You know that alley where them two fellas got stabbed last month? 214 00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:34,754 Right next to that Dumpster where them wild dogs ate that bum's arm. 215 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,090 Yeah. 216 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:41,528 There's a door, and it says, "Danger. Do Not Enter." 217 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,463 That's where you enter. 218 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:46,733 But there's gonna be gamblin'? Oh, yeah. 219 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,936 I'll be there. 220 00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,240 [ Man ] * One, two, three, five * 221 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:57,310 [ People Shouting, Chattering ] 222 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,820 * I'm gonna tell you about the chicken drop * 223 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,156 * Now, what is a chicken drop * 224 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,491 * We're gonna have a ball Wednesday night * 225 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,560 Whoa. 226 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,663 Wait, so we just bet on where the chicken poops? That's right. 227 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,731 I'm in. 228 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,135 Here. Forty dollars on square number five. 229 00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:26,773 This is fantastic. Yeah. 230 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,977 Chicken gotta poop, people gotta bet. Worked out real nice. 231 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,547 Right there! Right there! Yeah, buddy! Go, go, go! 232 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,649 [ Earl Narrating ] When the chicken drop stopped, 233 00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:40,320 I got the number of a place overseas that takes bets 24 hours a day. 234 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:43,190 I stayed up all night bettin' on all kinds of things. 235 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,158 Earl. Shh! I'm lookin' for the news. 236 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,827 Early returns are comin' in on the election in the Congo. 237 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,097 I put a thousand on Moombata over Adabbu. 238 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,632 Moombata's a cannibal, but he went to Harvard. 239 00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:55,402 Earl, could you sit on the bed? I'm layin' bubble wrap. 240 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,971 Now? Yeah. 241 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,907 Today's the day I tell Catalina I love her. 242 00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:02,175 I got a ton of decoratin' to do. 243 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:06,146 Do you think you could help me build a piñata shaped like some actress named Salma Hayek? 244 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:10,117 Catalina doesn't like this Salma woman. She's always wanted to hit her with a stick. 245 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,119 Shh! Randy, just hold on a second. 246 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:17,324 And in international news, it looks like Moombata will win in a landslide. 247 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:21,294 Moombata! New day for Central Africa! Whoo! 248 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:25,132 I knew it was a mistake for Adabbu to go negative. 249 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:32,973 [ Narrating ] Since Randy wanted Catalina out of the motel while he set up for his big night, 250 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,908 I took her over to watch the chickens crap. 251 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:36,944 Come on! Relax and let it go! 252 00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,746 Come on! 253 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,814 Let it go! Come on! Come on! 254 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,517 Kenny, what are you doin' here? 255 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,454 Oh, I got the jones, Earl. I needed some action. 256 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,989 I guess I'm just weak. 257 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:52,059 No, what was weak was sittin' in that room talkin' about your feelings. 258 00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:55,662 Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, 259 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,631 and then they punch somethin' that has nothin' to do with what they're mad at. 260 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:02,235 I would so date that. Now let's win your furniture back. 261 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:07,240 [ All Shouting, Chattering ] 262 00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,609 Oh, yeah, this one's a winner! See how he's movin' his head? 263 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,279 That's the poopie dance. Yeah, buddy! Come on! 264 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:15,682 Earl, you said we could leave an hour ago. My shift at Club Chubby starts in 20 minutes, 265 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,151 and if I'm late, Fat Susan will go up first and sweat up the pole. 266 00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:21,955 Wait, hold on! He's goin' for the corner! We got 'em all covered. Come on, buddy! 267 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:25,425 Earl, I'm not gonna have time to go to the Crab Shack so I can wire money home. 268 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:28,361 Here, just take my car. I'll go by the Crab Shack and wire your money. 269 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,064 Okay. Just make sure that money gets to my village by noon. 270 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,967 The thought of my brother's finger being chewed off by a weasel is too much. 271 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:37,037 That's how they do it. They starve the weasel, then dip the finger in peanut butter. 272 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:41,874 Okay, noon. Got it. Come on, man! Pick it up! 273 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,244 [ Squeals ] Hey, buddy! 274 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,947 - Number nine! - You can't lose, Earl. 275 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:51,518 [ Earl Narrating ] It was a beautiful day. We were even gettin' comped. 276 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,820 Oh! [ Chuckling ] 277 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:58,791 And just when we thought things couldn't get any better, we saw it-- Mr. Pitts. 278 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:03,096 That was the name of our fifth grade teacher. It wasn't his real name. 279 00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:06,733 We just called him that 'cause he could sweat through two shirts and a blazer. 280 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,501 Mr. Pitts. It's a sign. 281 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,904 I know, Kenny. Square five for fifth grade. 282 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,741 We gotta go in with everything we got. I'm with ya', man. 283 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,944 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew this was my chance to finally make a really big score. 284 00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:21,314 The only problem was, I didn't have enough money to do it up right. 285 00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:27,087 Earl, what are you doing? You're not thinking of betting Catalina's money, are you? 286 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,222 Why not? Hell, she'd want me to. 287 00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:32,059 I'll win 10 times as much, and can pay her back double. 288 00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,761 I don't know, man. What if you lose? You won't be able to wire the money, 289 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,265 and Catalina's brother will have his finger chewed off by a weasel, 290 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,300 and she will hate you forever. 291 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:43,370 And what's worse, you'll hate yourself. 292 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,372 [ Earl Narrating ] When Kenny said those things to me, 293 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,275 it made me look deep into my heart, and I realized somethin'-- 294 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,477 somethin' kinda painful. 295 00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,412 Kenny's a loser. 296 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,715 I'm bettin' it all. You gotta stop thinkin' negative. 297 00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:02,322 So there's nothin' I can do about it. I have an anger disease. 298 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,357 Kinda like how you have a can't-hear-anything disease, 299 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:08,027 and you have a get-your-ass-kicked-by-a-girl disease. 300 00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:14,901 She says... a bunch of stuff. Look, have you tried drugs? 301 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:18,004 Long time ago. But just pot. 302 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,307 And hash. And quaaludes. 303 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,476 And once I dated this Indian guy, and I chewed on a horse's adrenal gland. 304 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,478 But how's this gonna help me in court? 305 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,215 No, I mean prescription drugs for your anger. 306 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,917 They have certainly done a lot for me. 307 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:34,421 You have anger issues? A mousy little dude like you? 308 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,825 It is not easy getting paid minimum wage... 309 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,994 to say whatever stupid thing some deaf woman tells you to. 310 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,797 Plus, I hate it when she flirts with guys. 311 00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,941 I'm not wearing any panties today. 312 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,644 Damn. She makes you do that? 313 00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,413 How do you not just kick her ass? I take medication. 314 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,717 "Calmuvent." Smooths everything out. 315 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,389 She wants to know what we're talking about. 316 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,559 You don't have to be part of every conversation! 317 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,729 Must be noon. Time to take my meds. 318 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,832 [ Shouting, Chattering Continues ] 319 00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,869 Earl Hickey. Telephone call for you. Take down the message. 320 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,437 What? Take a message? 321 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,707 If you was in Atlantic City, would you ask Donald Trump to take a message for ya? 322 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,610 I'll get it. Come on, Mr. Pitts! Right there, buddy! 323 00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:34,547 - Hello. - Kenny, it's Randy. There's a problem with Catalina. 324 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,550 - What? Is she okay? - Come on, Mr. Pitts! Don't be a tease. 325 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,919 If you're gonna squat like that, do somethin'! 326 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,855 That was Randy. Catalina's in trouble. We have to-- One more minute. 327 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,592 Earl, there's a problem with Catalina. Hang on! 328 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,994 Bear down, buddy! You're in the zone! She got pulled over by the cops. 329 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:52,499 Quiet, Kenny! You're gonna "moosh" my bet! Five, five, five! 330 00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:58,137 Catalina was speeding. The cops stopped her and took her away. 331 00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:00,940 She could get deported. 332 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:04,644 [ Earl Narrating ] Kenny told me that Catalina was speedin' 'cause she was late for work... 333 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:07,947 when the police pulled her over and saw her license and quickly realized... 334 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:12,952 her name wasn't "Jane Driver" and she didn't live in "Go Kart Country." 335 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,888 So she tried to make a run for it. 336 00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:20,260 Unfortunately, she had already put on her stripper shoes. 337 00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:26,233 You pigs! Oink, oink, oink! Let go of me! Let go! 338 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,403 Number five! You win again. 339 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,540 [ Earl Narrating ] It was my fault Catalina got arrested. 340 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,243 She was late for work 'cause I wouldn't leave. 341 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,578 I did have a gambling addiction. 342 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,647 And even though it hadn't cost me a dime, 343 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,182 it cost me somethin' a whole lot more important than money. 344 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:46,786 * I saw her today at the reception * [ Bubble Wrap Popping ] 345 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,892 * A glass of wine in her hand * 346 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:58,398 * I knew she was gonna meet her connection * 347 00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:01,167 Don't worry, Randy. We'll get her back. 348 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:06,273 It's too late, Earl. They took her to Immigration. They're gonna deport her. 349 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:12,679 [ Narrating ] But even when it doesn't seem like it, Christmas is still a time of hope. 350 00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:16,416 * You can't always get what you want * 351 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,118 Kenny was hopin' to get his life back on track. 352 00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:23,055 He finally realized the way to become a real man wasn't by followin' me around. 353 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:26,859 It was by facin' his problems and, well, gettin' help. 354 00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,929 * You might find You get what you need * 355 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:33,500 And Joy was hopin' she'd finally found a cure for her anger disease. 356 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,802 So you can take that with your birth control pill? 357 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,871 I don't take birth control pills. What? 358 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:45,211 Randy was hopin' he'd get the chance to tell Catalina how he felt about her. 359 00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:48,315 And I was hopin' I'd be able to fix all the problems I'd caused, 360 00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:51,384 and we'd all be back together again. 361 00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:55,588 So a few days later, we found out where Catalina was, 362 00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:58,758 and headed off to bring her back.