1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:05,173 [ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy were about to take our very first airplane ride. 2 00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:10,344 Since we aren't big travelers, we weren't sure what to pack, so we packed everything. 3 00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:12,580 We weren't goin' on vacation though. 4 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,516 We were goin' to take care of the most recent item on my list-- 5 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,585 got Catalina kicked out of America. 6 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:21,255 You see, recently I was on a winnin' streak, gamblin'. Yeah, Tito! 7 00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:24,425 - No matter what I bet on-- - Yeah, buddy! 8 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,494 I just couldn't lose. You can't lose, Earl. 9 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,662 But I got so caught up in gamblin', 10 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,432 I forced Catalina to drive without a license and get pulled over. 11 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,502 She was too worried about her boobs escapin' to make an escape of her own-- 12 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,570 Let go of me! and she was deported. 13 00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:39,773 You have to believe me, I am an American. 14 00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:43,077 McDonald's. Disneyland. Jim Belushi! 15 00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:45,313 [ Earl Narrating ] And because of me, Randy lost his chance... 16 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,581 to finally tell Catalina how he felt about her. 17 00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:54,822 You think Catalina's been robbed, or murdered, or gone out on a date? 18 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,391 Any of those would be my worst nightmare. ** [ "Hotel California" ] 19 00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,461 But if I had to pick one, I guess I hope she gets robbed. 20 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,131 We'll keep our fingers crossed, Randy, but I wouldn't worry. 21 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,766 I mean, it's her own country. She's gotta have friends down there. 22 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,136 ** [ Man Singing "Hotel California" In Spanish ] 23 00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:11,872 How come you always get to be the Bandit? 24 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,275 'Cause when you're the Bandit, you always cave in... 25 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:17,178 when the women cry and beg for the lives of their children. 26 00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:19,113 Plus, I have the mustache. * Welcome to the Hotel California * 27 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:22,150 - My mother could be the Bandit. - Shut up, cleaning lady. 28 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:23,784 * Such a lovely place * 29 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:27,355 Lots to do today on my list. You and your stupid list. 30 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,690 Número ochenta y seis-- 31 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,426 steal the donkey from a one-legged girl. 32 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,695 You tip over the girl, I'll get the donkey. 33 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,833 My name is Earl. 34 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,308 [ Earl Narrating ] Since the drawstring handles on Randy's luggage had already broken... 35 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,843 and I didn't want the same thing to happen to mine, 36 00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:52,280 we decided to get a proper suitcase. 37 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,482 Unfortunately, my ex-wife still had mine. 38 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:57,585 Listen, Joy, I need to get that suitcase my dad gave me for my 18th birthday. 39 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,820 We don't have time, so I don't want to fight about it. 40 00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,922 Lemonade? It's pink flavor. 41 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:05,659 What'd you do to it? Oh, sweetie pants. 42 00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:09,797 The world is filled with sunshine and pink lemonade if you just learn to trust people. 43 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,732 I'll get the suitcase. 44 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,737 Oh, and, Randy, I made a gingerbread house this morning. 45 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,472 You can nibble on the roof if you want. 46 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:26,814 - Hey, fellas. - Hey, Crabman. What's up with Joy? 47 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,383 Her lady lawyer put her on some prescription medication... 48 00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,752 to make sure she doesn't lose her temper in court. 49 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,323 You know how sometimes people say, "Take a chill pill"? Joy did. 50 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,226 I wish she was taking those pills back when you were married to her. 51 00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:41,762 Me too. All she ever took back then was cough syrup and strawberry wine. 52 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:44,465 It made her horny for 10 minutes, then she'd just get pissed. 53 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:48,202 If I wasn't quick enough in bed, I'd get punched in the junk. 54 00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:50,771 Yeah, when it gets towards nine minutes, I try to get behind her. 55 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:55,576 ** [ Whistling ] 56 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:59,247 Is that George Clooney standin' in my livin' room? 57 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,582 Randy, your hair looks great. 58 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,418 Are you doin' somethin' different, like the movie stars do? 59 00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:07,521 I slept on my left side instead of my right. 60 00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:10,424 And then in the morning, it was itchy back here, so I did this. 61 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:13,294 Hmm. Well, it is workin' for you, sugar butt. 62 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:16,264 I tell ya, if there was a Perfect 10 magazine for ex-brother-in-laws, 63 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,432 I'd put you on the cover. 64 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:24,405 Suitcase! Suitcase. [ Claps Hands ] 65 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,375 Man, those are some powerful pills. 66 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,578 Yeah. Unfortunately, Mr. Turtle got ahold of one. 67 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,913 I have to keep flipping him. 68 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,283 [ Earl Narrating ] We finally made it to the airport. 69 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:39,353 And it turns out airport people ask a lot more questions than bus people. 70 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,422 How many individuals are flying? Two. 71 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:44,792 - When would you like to depart? - Well, whenever's good for the pilot. 72 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:47,628 I mean, we're ready to go now, but whenever the pilot's ready to go. 73 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,864 [ Woman On P.A. ] TransGlobal Flight 53-- 74 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,634 - Would you like a window seat or an aisle seat? - I want a chair seat. 75 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,569 Either one's fine. 76 00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:02,042 Passports? Past sports? Hmm. 77 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:05,413 Uh, played a little baseball and some soccer as a kid-- 78 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,449 No, sir, to leave the country, you both need passports. 79 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,519 Identification. Oh, passports. 80 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:16,290 I think you only need those if you're a foreigner. We're American. 81 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,892 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out even Americans need passports. 82 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,994 So we went to the passport office, 83 00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:23,897 where we filled out a few forms and got our pictures taken. 84 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:25,666 [ Shutter Clicking, Bulb Popping ] 85 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:29,036 And they only had one requirement when you get your picture taken: 86 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:32,039 you had to keep your eyes open, 87 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,775 which I could never seem to do. 88 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:38,779 - Come on, Earl. - I'm tryin', Randy. 89 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,381 [ Exhales ] 90 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,352 [ Earl Narrating ] Then Randy had an idea. 91 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:02,903 Perfect. 92 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,909 Hmm. Your eyes are brown. They look green in this picture. 93 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:13,080 Uh, yeah, I-I recently had a double eye transplant. They're from a pig. 94 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:16,049 Uh, they tried to find one with green eyes, but, 95 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,586 well, unfortunately, they save those for famous people. 96 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,053 Okeydokey. 97 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,593 [ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy were havin' trouble gettin' to Catalina's village, 98 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,529 she was havin' trouble gettin' used to life back at home. 99 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:35,102 -Why are you taping that old lady to a chair? -I kidnapped my friend's mother. 100 00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:39,106 He's sick of living with her, so I'm going to make her smoke cigarettes until she dies. 101 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:42,943 This is the cruelest, most unjustified kidnapping I have ever seen. 102 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,045 - How many have you seen? - Six or so. 103 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:47,415 Hmm. 104 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,854 [ Man On P.A. ] Please do not leave luggage unattended. [ Man ] All right, sir. 105 00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,526 Why is everyone takin' their shoes off? 106 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,794 They have to make sure there aren't explosives in them. 107 00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:03,531 Explosives? Yeah. It's happened. 108 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,707 - Hey! - Whew. 109 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:16,710 Sir, come with me, please. 110 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:20,047 Hey, Earl, throw your shoes. If they don't blow up, you get to go to the front of the line. 111 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,450 [ Guard ] Wait, sir. 112 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,552 [ Earl Narrating ] The good thing about goin' your whole life... 113 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,554 without ever having flown on an airplane... 114 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,056 is everything is new to you. 115 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:32,426 Hey, Earl. Sky Mall! There's a mall in the sky. 116 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,829 If this plane stops there, I want to get Catalina one of these hot dog cookers... 117 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,632 that cooks the buns and the wieners at the same time. 118 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:42,770 It doesn't say it's the perfect gift for the love of your life, but obviously it is. 119 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:45,673 [ Earl Narrating ] I'd always wondered how a big airplane like this could fly. 120 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,975 Turns out the ushers had their doubts too. 121 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,811 In the event of an emergency evacuation, 122 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,514 please calmly make your way to the emergency exit nearest you. 123 00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:59,152 Also make sure all carry-on items are stowed securely. 124 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,522 Damn. [ Clears Throat ] 125 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:05,158 Uh, sorry to bother you, sir, but it seems that our row... 126 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,728 is exactly in the middle of the two emergency exits. 127 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,963 So, uh, we should decide now... 128 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,966 who should go to the front and who should go to the back if we have to get out of here. 129 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,168 Sure. We'll go to the front. 130 00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:21,241 - [ Clears Throat ] Uh, listen, is-is-is-- - We'll go to the back. 131 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:25,913 Good, 'cause I already had it in my head that way. And you'll tell her, right? 132 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,649 [ Flight Attendant ] Cell phones and laptops. 133 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,719 And in the event of an emergency water landing, 134 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:34,522 your seat may be used as a floatation device. 135 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,757 Um, excuse me, ma'am. 136 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:41,128 You-- You just said my seat "may be" used as a floatation device. 137 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,831 Is that "may be" as in "can be," 138 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,667 or "maybe," like "maybe yours will or maybe yours won't"? 139 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,936 'Cause I didn't ask for a floatin' seat. 140 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,573 - I-- I would have, but that wasn't one of the choices. - All the seats float, sir. 141 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,975 And if there's a crash on land, will these seat cushions break our fall? 142 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:57,277 Earl, be quiet. You're gonna get us thrown out. 143 00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:01,749 And in the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. 144 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:04,818 Uh, that's it. No, thank you. 145 00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,720 - This is my stop. - Earl! 146 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:09,857 You might try sprinklin' in a few stories about what happens... 147 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,960 in the event the plane doesn't crash. 148 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:20,167 [ Earl Narrating ] Since it turned out planes scare the crap outta me, 149 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,736 I was lookin' into other ways of gettin' to Catalina. 150 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:26,640 We can take a bus for the first 13 days, then it looks like it's all donkey from there. 151 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:30,310 - Donkeys can swim, right? - Hey, you guys back from Catalina's already? 152 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,180 We didn't go. Someone was afraid to fly. 153 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:37,685 Someone whose name rhymes with "girl," as in sissy girl who wears flannel shirts. 154 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,853 Do you still need more hints? Because it's Earl. 155 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:43,056 Look, I just don't understand how somethin' that big can stay in the air. 156 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:47,027 - Wings don't even flap. - Earl, it's okay to be afraid. 157 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,863 Fear is just your feelings askin' for a hug. 158 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,270 - I like the new Joy. - I don't. 159 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:01,642 I mean, I still enjoy her old hotness, but new Joy doesn't have any fight in her. 160 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,712 Those pills make her like... Finland. 161 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:07,014 I didn't fall in love with Finland, Earl. 162 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,683 [ Earl Narrating ] There was a reason Darnell was missin' Joy's fight. 163 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:12,085 Their new neighbors wanted a bigger front yard, 164 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:14,888 so they parked their double-wide closer to Joy and Darnell. 165 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,290 Honey, we're outta toilet paper. [ Earl Narrating ] Too close. 166 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,927 Well, go to the store and get some! 167 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,062 I can't really do that right now! 168 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:26,199 Well, neither can I. I'm paintin' the coffee stains outta the mugs. 169 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,374 Aren't you gonna do somethin'? 170 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,309 Of course I am. 171 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:41,014 Here you go, sweetheart. 172 00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:43,316 Be careful. They have bleach in 'em, so they might burn a little. 173 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,054 [ Bell Dings ] 174 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,323 Hey, wait. If there's a pill that can make Joy not mean, 175 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:53,060 I bet there's a pill that can make you not a sissy. 176 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:56,196 Maybe I can break it up and put it in your applesauce. 177 00:09:56,229 --> 00:10:00,267 Shoot, why'd I tell you that? I know. I'll just squish it in a banana. 178 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,736 Damn it, I did it again. Now I'm runnin' outta fruits. 179 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,872 Randy, I can swallow a pill whole. 180 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:07,708 No, I want to sneak it to you in somethin'. 181 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,277 I hope the pill is small, because I know how you love blueberries. 182 00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,146 Crap! 183 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:16,684 [ Earl Narrating ] So to get the pills, we went to the only doctor we knew. 184 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,687 So Earl, Randy, uh, 185 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,790 says here that I haven't seen you boys since you were 10. 186 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,992 Well, you know, you get busy. 187 00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,394 I haven't been seein' another doctor, if that's what you're worried about. 188 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,229 Do you still give out lollipops? 189 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,164 On the way out, if you're good. 190 00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:34,367 So, Earl, I see you have some anxiety about flying. 191 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:39,239 Well, actually more about crashin'. Crashin' and dyin'. 192 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:43,744 I can write you up a prescription for a sedative that should help you. 193 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:48,181 Now, since you're going to Latin America, I assume you've had your inoculations. 194 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,718 Here we go with the upsell. 195 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:54,788 Come on now. You want to make sure you don't get any diseases. 196 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,390 I'll just give you one shot. No, no, no, no, no, no. 197 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,793 No, thank you, Doc. I don't like needles. 198 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,162 I'll just get whatever diseases they have down there. I'm fine with that. 199 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,331 Just get the shot, Earl. Don't be a wuss. 200 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,934 I'm not a wuss, Randy. I just don't think I need-- 201 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,002 Oop! That's a sharp one. 202 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,938 Earl, the love of my life is down there. 203 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:13,340 Plus, she's on your list. You gotta do this. 204 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,475 Why do I have to get the shot? 205 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,779 They got the diseases down there. How come they all can't get shots? 206 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,948 Fine. Do whatever you want. 207 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:23,450 I'm sorry, Randy. I just think there's other ways we can-- 208 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,419 [ Screams ] Son of a bitch! How did I not see that comin'? 209 00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:28,756 [ Earl Narrating ] So I took the pills, 210 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,759 and me and Randy headed back to the airport to get on the plane. 211 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:35,295 But I was already flyin'. Whoo! Check it! 212 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:44,171 [ Earl Narrating ] Yeah, these pills were somethin' else. I liked 'em. 213 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,473 And as the plane was about to take off, 214 00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,943 I left the wild ridin'-the-suitcase-while- screamin'-at-strangers phase... 215 00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:54,181 and entered the calm sleepin'-in-my-seat- and-droolin'-on-my-shirt phase. 216 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,959 Man, those pills are great. Yeah, you've been asleep for hours. 217 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:10,197 I know. They knocked me out just before we took off and wore off right after we landed. 218 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,100 That's the way to fly, Randy. Oh, we haven't flown yet. 219 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,770 But you just said I was out for hours. You were. 220 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,072 But we've been sittin' on the runway the whole time. 221 00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:22,009 Somethin' about mechanical difficulties. Mechanical difficulties? 222 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,912 Yeah, there was a bright flash, and I heard somebody scream. 223 00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,214 They gave us animal crackers. I ate yours. 224 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,885 Randy? 225 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,287 I think we're takin' off now. They probably fixed it. 226 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,890 Give me the pills, Randy. I need more pills. 227 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,893 They're in the suitcase, and the lady said it was under the plane. 228 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:43,196 But every time I open the door lookin' for the stairs, all I find is a teeny tiny bathroom. 229 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,499 Let me off! Stop the plane! Back it up! 230 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,436 No! Earl, you're not supposed to stand up during takeoff. 231 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,272 Those ladies did a whole play about it. 232 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:55,442 - Earl! - Hold it! 233 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:58,078 Sir, we're in the air. I can't let you off the plane this time. 234 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,513 I'll let myself off. I know where the emergency exits are. 235 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,515 Sir, don't make me do this. 236 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,251 [ Screams ] 237 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:10,891 - [ Grunts ] - Ouch! Get the straps! We've got a biter! 238 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,460 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was strugglin' because I couldn't take my pills, 239 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:16,864 Darnell was strugglin' 'cause Joy was still taking hers. 240 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:20,567 [ Phone Ringing ] 241 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,204 Telephone! What? 242 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:27,340 Telephone! Let the machine pick it up! 243 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,542 [ Answering Machine Clicks ] 244 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:33,513 [ Man, Woman ] You've reached David and Tina Hays. Leave a message. Ciao. 245 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,449 [ Answering Machine Beeps ] [ Woman On Phone ] Hello? Hello? 246 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,087 It's your grandmother. Are you home? Pick up! 247 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,956 I wanted to check on Christmas plans. 248 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:46,126 I could come there, but you'd have to come pick me up. 249 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,395 I could get Lucille to drive me, unless you're serving alcohol. 250 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,463 Are you serving alcohol? 251 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:53,000 If you are, I can't have Lucille drive me, 252 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:55,135 because that drive home on Thanksgiving was terrifying. 253 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,370 Are you gonna do something about this? Terrifying, I tell you. 254 00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:01,074 I guess I'll have to. It was horrible! 255 00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,877 And is your husband's brother going to be there? 256 00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:06,246 Ryan, is it? He is just-- 257 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:09,049 Hello, people next door's grandma. Don't worry about a thing. 258 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:12,052 We'll pick you up and bring you over for Christmas. 259 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:15,088 You're gonna have to do it though. I'm not supposed to drive on these pills. 260 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,263 [ Earl Narrating ] After bein' tied up on an airplane for eight hours, 261 00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:26,099 I was happy to walk on solid ground. 262 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:30,270 Which was good, 'cause we had about two miles of it on the way to the bus station. 263 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,405 Catalina's village is a five hour bus ride, 264 00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:35,108 and we have to get on the bus now 'cause it's leavin' soon. 265 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:37,644 Okay. I just gotta get somethin' to eat first. 266 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,913 No, Earl, we don't have time. But there's tacos, Randy. 267 00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:42,049 You know how I feel about tacos. 268 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:46,386 It's the only food shaped like a smile. A beef smile. I'm goin'. 269 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:49,356 No, Earl. There won't be another bus goin' to Catalina's village until tomorrow, 270 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,591 so we have to get on that one. 271 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:54,627 We can eat when we get there. That's easy for you to say. You got to eat on the plane. 272 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,069 [ Muffled ] Put it down! 273 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,473 I'm sorry, Randy. I gotta get somethin' to eat. 274 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,341 No, Earl, I can't let you do that. 275 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:12,179 Um, I wasn't askin' for your permission, Randy. 276 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,115 Um, I wasn't askin' if you were askin', Earl. 277 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,718 We're not missin' that bus just so you can get a taco. You're right, Randy. 278 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:22,155 I'm gonna get two tacos and maybe some of that freaky white soda they got. 279 00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:31,531 Uh, excuse-o, por favor. Ande. 280 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,367 Uh, is this the end-o of the line? [ Grunts ] 281 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,145 [ Both Grunting ] 282 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:50,250 ** [ Man Singing In Spanish ] 283 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,319 [ Shouts ] Let go, Randy! 284 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:57,090 Not until you get on the bus! [ Grunts ] 285 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,426 ** [ Singing In Spanish Continues ] 286 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:07,334 Quit dragging your feet, Earl. This'll go a lot easier. I want a taco! 287 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,337 [ Screams ] You bit me! 288 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,040 Sorry, Randy. It had to be done. Fine! I give up. 289 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:16,409 You can have your stupid taco. 290 00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,216 When we get to Catalina's village! 291 00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,419 Let go! No! 292 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,257 You're splittin' me! Then put me down! 293 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,126 No! [ Grunts ] 294 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:37,597 Randy, I'm gettin' a taco! 295 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:41,668 [ Screams ] Damn it, Randy! Now I'm hungry and blind! 296 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,437 You're being such a baby! You've been complainin' the whole trip. 297 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:47,540 "Waah, waah, waah. I'm afraid to fly. I don't like needles. 298 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:50,243 I'm hungry and blind." 299 00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:53,146 Sorry, senor. Ow! 300 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,382 You hungry, baby? You want a bottle? 301 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,450 Here. Have your bottle, baby. 302 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,519 Randy, stop it! Randy, stop it! [ Baby Crying ] 303 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,654 No. Have your bottle, baby. Randy, I'm serious. 304 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,291 If you don't let go, I'm gonna kill you, I swear! Have your bottle, baby. 305 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,326 That's gross! We're gettin' on the bus. 306 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,629 I want my taco! Ow! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! 307 00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,564 Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! Drive. 308 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:14,634 Don't drive! Drive! 309 00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:17,237 Why you bein' such a jerk? You're the one being the jerk. 310 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:20,240 You got Catalina deported, 311 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:23,243 and now you're about to let some stupid taco cost me the love of my life! 312 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,378 Here we go again. The love of your life. 313 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,381 - Like you really have a chance with her. - [ Passengers ] Aww! 314 00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:34,254 [ Muttering In Spanish ] 315 00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:38,225 He started it. 316 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,443 I know the word on the bus is I'm the jerk, 317 00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,112 but there was a whole lot of stuff that happened outside. 318 00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:03,183 Is my mustache even? 'Cause that's somethin' he did. He yanked on it. 319 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,084 No, thanks. 320 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,856 You know what? Actually, I'm starvin'. I think I will take a bite. 321 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,859 Thank you. 322 00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:16,796 Mmm. Looks like a Slim Jim, tastes like a doughnut. 323 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:20,133 That's brilliant. Can't believe you guys are so poor. 324 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,835 [ Speaking Spanish ] 325 00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:34,414 [ Speaking Spanish ] 326 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,584 Oh, this is gonna be great. My brother's freaked out by birds. 327 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,255 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy's been terrified of birds his whole life. 328 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:45,525 [ Clucking ] Little ones, big ones. 329 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,794 Even those talkin' ones people keep as pets. 330 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,862 Hey, Earl, did you see what that stupid bird-- [ Screams ] 331 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,734 You know how when you let go of the end of a balloon, 332 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,270 and it goes flyin' around the room makin' a squealy noise? 333 00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,906 Well, you're about to see a grown man do the same thing. 334 00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,242 [ Earl Narrating ] So I sat back and waited... 335 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,777 for the Randy balloon to start flyin'. 336 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:12,519 [ Chicken Clucking ] But it never did. 337 00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:15,322 He was sittin' face to beak with an upside down chicken, 338 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,391 and he didn't even flinch. 339 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:22,762 He was so focused on gettin' back the woman he loved, he wasn't scared of anything. 340 00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,298 Not the bird, not the shots, not the airplane, 341 00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,534 not even kickin' my ass. 342 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:30,903 That's when I realized, if Randy's love for Catalina was that strong, 343 00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,240 he could make anything possible. 344 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:36,943 So who was I to say he didn't have a chance? 345 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,212 You know what? He was right. 346 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,714 I have been a baby and a screwup. 347 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:45,285 He's been the one that's kept it together and figured out how to get everything done. 348 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,455 [ Speaking Spanish ] 349 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:51,991 Yeah, you're right. Maybe that's why I yelled at him. 350 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,661 I don't like bein' the one who screws up. 351 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:59,432 [ Spanish ] 352 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,868 Exactly. 353 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:06,539 I couldn't handle feelin' like a loser, so I was tryin' to make him feel like one. 354 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:09,276 You know what? I gotta tell him I'm sorry. 355 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,844 And from now on, if he can be brave and keep it together, 356 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,846 I can be brave and keep it together. 357 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,748 Gracias. 358 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,551 [ Spanish ] 359 00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,554 You, gringo, off the bus. 360 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:24,791 [ Earl Narrating ] But my apology and bravery would have to wait. 361 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,360 Oh! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! 362 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,896 [ Earl Narrating ] 'Cause Randy was so focused on gettin' back the woman he loved, 363 00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:32,332 he also didn't notice his brother gettin' kidnapped. 364 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,835 I would've yelled "I'm sorry," 365 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:39,406 but there's a time to apologize and there's a time to keep your mouth shut... 366 00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:42,842 and hope that the two crazy Latino dudes with guns don't shoot you.