1
00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,704
My name is Earl.

2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,807
[ Earl Narrating ] How did I
end up in Catalina's village
being held at gunpoint...

3
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:08,842
by a cross-eyed Latino dude?

4
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,844
Well, it all started with Randy.

5
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:15,716
After having a crush on Catalina
for over a year, he finally
decided to tell her how he felt.

6
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,386
Unfortunately, because of
a little gambling problem...

7
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:20,388
me and my gay friend Kenny
were having,

8
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:23,691
Catalina got arrested
and deported before Randy
could talk to her.

9
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:28,229
Then, on our way
to Catalina's village, I got
taken off the bus at gunpoint...

10
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,631
and brought here,
where I was probably gonna die.

11
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:32,233
He's here.

12
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,770
Wait till he sees
we have a gringo here.

13
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,139
[ Horn Honking ]

14
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:42,076
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
their boss, Diego, had a real
strong feeling about America.

15
00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:45,946
At least what he knew
about it from TV
before his satellite broke...

16
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:48,116
in 1988.

17
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,556
Hey. Are those Bugle Boy
jeans you're wearing?

18
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:07,101
[ Earl ] Catalina always
talked about how scary and
superstitious her village was.

19
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:11,139
While I was learnin' about
the scary, Randy was learnin'
about the superstitious.

20
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:21,115
Excuse me. You mind
if I take those flowers
and that sandwich?

21
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:24,051
Normally, I'd ask my brother
if it was all right,
but I don't know where he is.

22
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,254
No, please.
Take whatever.

23
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:34,795
Thanks. I need 'em
'cause I'm tracking down
the love of my life,

24
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:37,565
and the plane I was on
didn't stop at Sky Mall.

25
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:45,873
Manuel. ¡Mi hijo!

26
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,342
Those things that you hold
are from our shrine...

27
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:52,380
dedicated to our son, Manuel,
may he rest in peace.

28
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:55,883
The sandwich isn't
what killed him, is it?

29
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,851
No, it was a scooter.

30
00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:00,421
The charity that
dropped off toys that year
didn't send helmets.

31
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:03,757
Whoever eats the sandwich
from the sacred shrine...

32
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:07,094
now carries the soul
of the deceased inside him.

33
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:09,163
As the keeper
of our son's soul,

34
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:13,334
you must come with us
to our home so we can have
one final evening with our son,

35
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:16,036
an evening we never had.

36
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:20,007
I'm sorry I swallowed your son.
I can throw him up,
if you want me to.

37
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,510
But right now I'm busy lookin'
for my friend Catalina.

38
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:26,647
Catalina from America?

39
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,249
You know her?

40
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,384
Yes, we know her.

41
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,486
And I will
take you to her,

42
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:36,490
if you will give us
one more night with our son.

43
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,228
I'll be your son
for the night.

44
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:44,332
But I have a white mom
back in America, and she can
never find out about this.

45
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,837
[ Earl Narrating ]
Back at home, Darnell was
havin' trouble of his own.

46
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,373
His neighbors had parked
their house too close,

47
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,775
and, well, Joy wouldn't
do anything about it...

48
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:57,545
'cause her deaf lawyer
put her on happy pills
to control her anger.

49
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,980
Can we at least shut the window
when they're running the dryer?

50
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:04,151
I like it.
Feels like I'm bein' kissed
by a thousand little bunnies.

51
00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:07,187
Joy, I'm serious.
There's little pieces of clothes
in my apple brown betty.

52
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:10,991
Why don't you just take your
little apple brown buns there
and tell 'em how you feel?

53
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:15,128
I tried. But you know bein'
in the Witness Protection
Program makes me uneasy.

54
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,931
I don't like it
when strangers ask
too many questions.

55
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:22,002
[ Spits ]
* Let it snow, let it snow
let it snow *

56
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:25,038
I brought these for you,
and I wanted to ask you a favor.
Can you please--

57
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,275
- What are they?
- Lemon squares.

58
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:30,143
- Is that powdered sugar on top?
- Yes.

59
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,546
Did you make 'em yourself?

60
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:35,616
My name is Darnell Turner,
and that's all it's ever been.

61
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,485
I just hope they
give us back our plate.

62
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,720
Oh, Darnell,
just let 'em keep it.

63
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:42,356
What good is a plate
if you can't share it
with your neighbor?

64
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:47,094
* ...slowly dying
And my dear
we're still good-bye-ing *

65
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,763
Joy, are you even in there?

66
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,232
[ Rattling ]

67
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:56,904
Ow! I just got hit
by a hot penny.

68
00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:00,140
[ Earl Narrating ]
Diego liked my American jeans
so much, he took 'em.

69
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,075
You're a drug dealer,
aren't you?

70
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,678
Uh, no, I'm not even
a drug user.
So what are you then?

71
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,681
A roadie tryin' to score drugs
for a rock band?
I seen it all.

72
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,718
You tell Billy Idol he's not
gonna get his white wedding
from here.

73
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,454
Look, I'm not a drug guy.
I'm just lookin' for
my friend Catalina.

74
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,723
Catalina?
What's her last name?

75
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,926
Uh, I don't know. It's, uh--
It's somethin' Latin-y.

76
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:23,331
Uh, it ends
in "ez" or "illa."
Tortilla?

77
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:27,801
You're here to help
your friend Catalina Tortilla?

78
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:30,838
Uh, th-that might not be it,
but she is my friend.

79
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:34,408
Pretty, long dark hair.
Uh, loves to dance.

80
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,445
- A lot of jumpin'.
- Catalina!

81
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,814
Catalina's my niece.
Why didn't you say so?

82
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:44,585
* Jump around
I'm the cream of the crop
I rise to the top *

83
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,087
* I never eat a pig
'cause a pig is a cop **

84
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,089
[ Snapping Fingers ]

85
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,492
What a small world
after all.

86
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,861
- You're her friend, and
Mario's her little brother.
- Nice to meet you.

87
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:57,164
All right. We'll take you
to see Catalina. First,
we gotta run a few errands.

88
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,500
Uh, they're not dangerous,
are they?

89
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:02,503
[ Gunshots ]
[ Woman Screaming ]

90
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:08,909
[ Gunshots Continue ]

91
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:16,850
[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew karma wanted me to find
Catalina and bring her back,

92
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:19,820
but I also knew it didn't
want me to help murder
some poor guy...

93
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,656
just 'cause he was late
on his goat payments.
I can't do this.

94
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:25,526
Why not?
He's a little guy, so you
don't have to dig so deep.

95
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:28,128
I'm sorry, but I can't
help you do bad stuff.

96
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,997
If I do,
I gotta put it on my list,

97
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,266
and I don't want to
get on another plane and come
down here and make up for it.

98
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,268
Hey, list-- What list?

99
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,972
It's a list of everything bad
I've done. Gettin' Catalina
deported's on there.

100
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:41,174
That's why
I gotta bring her back.
I gotta cross her off.

101
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,877
And who made you
write this list?
Your president, Señor Reagan?

102
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:48,582
No one made me do it.
I did it on my own, after I
learned about karma.

103
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:53,053
[ Earl Narrating ]
So I took a shot and told Diego
everything I knew about karma.

104
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,288
I told him about how
I was tryin' to make up...

105
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,426
for all the bad things
I've done, one by one.

106
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:03,797
So you say you learned about
karma on American TV, huh?

107
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,199
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I knew I had him.

108
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:09,336
All right.
All right, I'll try it.

109
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:12,606
Even though
you owe me a lot of money,
I will no longer kill you.

110
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:16,243
- Instead, the new Diego
will kill your wife.
- No, no!

111
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,311
Your children.
Nope.

112
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,014
Okay, what then?
How about a payment plan?

113
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,717
I choose that one.

114
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,953
[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was making Diego
understand karma,

115
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,522
Randy was trying to understand
what it meant to be a dead son.

116
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,491
Did you enjoy the flan?

117
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:34,728
You mean the yellow slimy stuff
I took one bite of
and spit back out?

118
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,664
It was okay.

119
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:39,733
- So what now?
- You know.

120
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:44,037
- I do?
- Come on, Manuel.

121
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:47,240
- It is the same
as every night.
- More flan?

122
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:50,343
Tickle fiesta!

123
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,581
[ Giggling ]

124
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:59,620
Stop! I'm gonna pee!

125
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,856
Let yourself go, my son.
It's a dirt floor.

126
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,029
[ Earl Narrating ]
Seein' Catalina
was gonna have to wait.

127
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,165
As bad as Diego was, there were
worse bandidos in the area,

128
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:14,835
and he had to keep watch
and protect the village
from 'em.

129
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:17,671
No, ALF was from
the planet Melmac.
He's an alien.

130
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:20,173
I thought he was a monkey.
A monkey?
No, he ate cats.

131
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,677
Why would a monkey
eat a cat?
Your monkey ate my cat.

132
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:28,148
Fine. But at least my monkey
wasn't sarcastic and
cracking jokes all the time.

133
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:31,852
[ Earl Narrating ]
All that talk about monkeys at
bedtime made me think of Randy.

134
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:35,656
I didn't know where he was,
but I sure hoped he was okay.

135
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,994
Hey, Earl.

136
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,963
Yeah, Randy?

137
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:46,700
Do you think
when everybody dies,
they come back as a sandwich?

138
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,202
I don't know, Randy.
Maybe.

139
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:52,806
After I die,
if you ever see a peanut butter
and bologna sandwich,

140
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:55,475
eat it, because that's me.

141
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,477
Okay.

142
00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,513
Earl?

143
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,515
Yeah, Randy?

144
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:04,251
Do you miss me?

145
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,754
Yeah, Randy, I do.

146
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,757
I miss you too, Earl.

147
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,125
Cold?
Sí, mami.

148
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,302
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy wasn't the only one
havin' a hard time sleepin'.

149
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:26,574
Darnell found the neighbors'
motion detector hard to ignore.

150
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,710
[ Electrical Buzzing ]

151
00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:43,056
[ Earl Narrating ] The next
morning, Diego finally brought
me to Catalina's village.

152
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,293
I thought the villagers
would be surprised to see
a pantless American,

153
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,096
but they were more surprised
to see a friendly Diego.

154
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:52,265
- ¡Buenos días!
- [ Woman Screaming ]

155
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,705
[ Man Shouting
In Spanish ]

156
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,908
Ooh, tacos.
Uh, do you think
I can get my wallet back?

157
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,976
Uh, maybe--
maybe with my pants?

158
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,112
Yeah, of course.
How rude of me.

159
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,447
You stay here,
get some tacos.
I'll go get Catalina.

160
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:11,018
[ Zipper Unzipping ]

161
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,553
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was excited about gettin'
my pants back.

162
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:17,290
Between the cold air
and the giant mosquitoes,
I had missed them quite a bit.

163
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:20,127
But then I saw somethin'
I had missed even more.

164
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:22,730
- Randy!
- Earl!

165
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,334
You're okay!
I'm okay.

166
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:32,139
Mami, papi,
this is my brother, Earl.
Ah, my stepson.

167
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:34,742
Oh, I ate the soul
of their dead child.

168
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,710
If you see one
layin' around, grab it.

169
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:40,080
Tastes just like a sandwich,
and you get to have tickle
fights and pee on the floor.

170
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:42,049
Sounds great, Randy.

171
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:45,619
I was dragged off the bus
before I got to tell you
this, but I'm sorry.

172
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,788
You're right.
I-I was actin' like a baby.

173
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,857
Who am I to say
you don't have a chance
with Catalina?

174
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,025
In fact, her uncle
just went to get her.

175
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,561
What? I can't see her
dressed like this.

176
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:57,731
- You look cute.
- I don't want to
look cute, mami.

177
00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:01,969
I want to look like a hero.
A big, sexy hero from America
that came to save her.

178
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,805
- Mi hijo.
- Stay out of my life, mami!

179
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:11,712
Teenagers.
Yeah, those are
the rough years.

180
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:20,654
Thank you so much.

181
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:24,057
No problem.
And again, sorry about fartin'
on your lap, buddy.

182
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:27,094
It wasn't your fault.
Maria shouldn't have
tickled you so hard.

183
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:31,965
- Earl!
- Catalina!

184
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,636
I can't believe you came
all this way to get me.

185
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:39,172
Well, it was my fault
you got sent down here
in the first place.

186
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:43,510
I forgive you. I forgive you.
And yes, I will marry you!
What?

187
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:47,848
When my uncle told me you will
marry me so I could get my green
card, I couldn't believe it.

188
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:51,451
- He told you that?
- What? I'm sorry. Did you
want it to be a surprise?

189
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:54,054
No, it still feels
like a surprise.

190
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,089
You are a true friend, Earl.
Thank you so, so much.

191
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,792
I didn't know how
I was gonna get back.
Aww.

192
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:02,395
It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
You mess things up, you fix it.
It's karma. Look at that.

193
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:05,098
I'm proud to have worn
your pants for 14 hours.

194
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,034
Randy!

195
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,304
[ Laughing ]

196
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,373
I am so happy!
Me too.

197
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,476
Are you gonna be
the best man?
Best I can be.

198
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,478
No, Earl's best man,
at the wedding.

199
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,247
Who's Earl marrying?

200
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:24,918
Me, silly.
Isn't it amazing?
He is my hero.

201
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:32,025
[ Grunts ]

202
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:46,907
[ Earl ] While Catalina
and Diego were off preparin'
my third unplanned wedding,

203
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:52,145
I was tryin' to find Randy,
whose feelings I'd accidentally
hurt... again.

204
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,481
Randy? Randy!

205
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:58,351
** [ Man Singing
"Time After Time"
In Spanish ]

206
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,723
[ Exhales ]

207
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:06,693
Look, Randy,
it wasn't my fault.

208
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,829
Diego thought
that was the plan.

209
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:11,264
She's my friend.
What was I supposed to do?

210
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:14,234
Oh, yeah?
Well, if you like her so much,
why don't you marry her?

211
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,837
Oh, wait, you are.
Walk with me, Pedro.

212
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,106
Look, it all happened
too fast, Randy.

213
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,775
She was so happy,
she started huggin' me.

214
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:25,813
She was supposed to be
huggin' me. This was my chance
to be a hero, and you stole it.

215
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,915
Randy, you-you can
still be the hero.

216
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,450
We'll switch,
and you can be the one
who marries her.

217
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,220
No! For me to have a chance,
it needed to be perfect, Earl.

218
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,289
I needed to come in,
save the day and sweep her
off her feet.

219
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,325
Now I'm just gonna look
pathetic and weird,

220
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:41,028
and I don't want to look
pathetic and weird.

221
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,063
Come on, Pedro.
** [ Continues ]

222
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:46,466
* Spanish and Spanish
and Spanish *

223
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,602
* Spanish **

224
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:52,372
[ Earl Narrating ]
While I tried to find a way
to get through to Randy,

225
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,875
Darnell was just tryin'
to get through the day.

226
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:58,445
Tina, how much
if I can get this cupcake
in the trash can from here?

227
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:01,148
Five bucks
says you miss.

228
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,219
I'll split that cupcake
with you, cupcake.

229
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,456
Joy, I need
the old you back!

230
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,125
I'm yin, you're yang.
Yin is nice, yang's a bitch!

231
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:14,127
This house doesn't work
without yang!

232
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:17,497
[ Earl Narrating ] Nothin'
Darnell said could snap Joy out
of her drug-induced happiness.

233
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:20,533
- But somethin' eventually did.
- Beer can!

234
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,439
Oh, snappity-snap-snap-snap!

235
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,375
Excuse me.

236
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:31,211
We haven't officially met,
but I'm Joy Turner
from the trailer next door.

237
00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:33,680
I passed you those bleach wipes
for your fanny hole.

238
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,516
- Hope it didn't take
any skin off.
- A little.

239
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:40,287
Good. Listen, now I know
on the outside I look like
a real sweetie sweetheart,

240
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,990
but trust me, on the inside
I'm a hundred percent bitch.

241
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:46,626
I even have a T-shirt
that says it. Got it for
a Mother's Day present.

242
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:48,728
Anyway, here's the thing.

243
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:52,165
My lawyer's got me
takin' these happy pills
to control my anger.

244
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,935
But since you just
used my baby boy's head
as a backboard...

245
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:58,438
for your little trash can
basketball game,

246
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:02,409
I'm gonna stop taking 'em
and come back in three days
when the happy wears off.

247
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,378
[ Gasps ]
Look at that!
A real tree.

248
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,814
[ Laughing ]

249
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:11,018
[ Sniffs ]
Mmm! I love the smell of it.

250
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,586
- [ Sniffs ]
Love it!
- [ Nervous Chuckle ]

251
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:17,857
Anyhoo, when these pills
wear off, I don't know exactly
what's gonna happen,

252
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:21,294
but I imagine
it'll involve this beer can
breakin' out your teeth,

253
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,663
your wife screamin' at me
to stop kickin' you,

254
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,934
and your children cryin'
after they see what I've done
to your face.

255
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,972
Heck, I might even rip off
one of your ears and make it
into a little coin purse.

256
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,675
Okay, then, so I'll be back
in three days...

257
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,744
to give you that Christmas
ass-kickin' I promised,

258
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,680
unless you decide that now
would be a good time
to move this trailer.

259
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:44,051
- It's a good time
to move our trailer.
- Oh, that is fantastic news.

260
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:48,788
And I'm sorry, but that little
Santa over there shakin' his
tushy is absolutely adorable.

261
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:51,358
Uh, take him.

262
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,360
Really?

263
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,863
[ Chorus ]
* Santa Claus *

264
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,966
[ Giggling ]

265
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,902
[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though this was just
a green card wedding,

266
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:06,439
Catalina's village
still followed
all the town's traditions.

267
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:15,148
You see, this symbolizes
how beautiful and admired
a bride should be.

268
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:17,484
- [ Yelps ]
- [ Crowd Cheering ]

269
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:20,620
- And that's to remind her not
to get too full of herself.
- Seems weird.

270
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:23,823
Oh, yeah?
And throwing rice at people
makes a lot of sense, huh?

271
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,925
Wait till you see
what you have to do.

272
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:32,065
In our little village,
before a man is allowed
to marry a woman,

273
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,867
he has to pass
three simple tests.

274
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,138
The first is to cross
this beam without falling.
Sure, that makes sense.

275
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,677
Uh, excuse me a second.
I need to borrow
my brother's shoes.

276
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,214
They have better traction
for crossin' beams.

277
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,220
What are you doin'?
Just switch shoes with me
and listen.

278
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,388
Randy,
this is your chance
to be a hero.

279
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,924
All I have to do
is fail the test,
then you can save the day.

280
00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,260
That's a great idea, Earl.

281
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:03,030
And then after this,
let's never travel again.

282
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,470
All righty, now that you got
the proper footwear,

283
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:14,141
I can tell you that this plank
represents the straight
and narrow path...

284
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,243
that you, as a husband,
must follow.

285
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:19,612
- Okay, bring on the leeches!
- The what?

286
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:27,287
Leeches.
They represent-- I don't know--
hookers and stuff.

287
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:29,322
Just don't fall in.
Hit it.

288
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,325
** [ "Eye of the Tiger" ]

289
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:40,433
[ Mouthing Word ]

290
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,736
[ Earl ] I really wanted to
stay up on that plank and away
from those leeches a whole lot,

291
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:46,606
but not as much as I wanted
Randy to be happy.

292
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,541
Damn it.

293
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:53,446
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoopsie-daisy!

294
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,486
[ Screaming ]

295
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:02,389
Things are sucking my face!
Things are sucking my face!

296
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,591
That's okay. I can, uh--
[ Diego ]
No. Wait, wait, Earl.

297
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:08,461
You know what?
The old me would've said
one and done, right?

298
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:12,332
But karma says
two out of three!
To the hot coals!

299
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,501
Yeah!
[ Crowd Cheering ]

300
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:21,441
[ Earl Narrating ] To give
Randy his shot, I planned on
steppin' on the hot coals,

301
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,143
and then steppin'
right back off.

302
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:26,879
What I didn't plan on
was how hard it is to change
direction on hot coals.

303
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,782
[ Crowd Groans ]

304
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:34,487
It burned like hell, but at
least Randy was gonna be able
to step in and be the hero.

305
00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:38,925
I'm sorry, Catalina.
I guess I'm just not--

306
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,761
Earl, this is
your lucky day.

307
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:47,500
- One out of three?
- To the field of rakes!

308
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,402
[ Cheering ]

309
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,842
[ Earl Narrating ]
Diego said somethin'
about the field of rakes...

310
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,845
representin' the careful dance
of talkin' about
your wife's weight.

311
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,582
But for me, it represented
the last chance to help Randy.

312
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,787
[ Grunts ]
[ Crowd Groans ]

313
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,922
Okay, that's it. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Catalina.

314
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:13,360
I gave him several chances,
and he just keeps proving
himself not worthy.

315
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,962
But how am I supposed
to get back to America?

316
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,465
Catalina?

317
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,868
Can I try and marry you?
You would do that?

318
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,305
To the pit of leeches!

319
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,340
[ Crowd Cheering ]

320
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:30,310
[ Earl Narrating ] I was
a little worried about Randy
walkin' on that thin plank,

321
00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:32,379
'cause I had seen him
fall off sidewalks before.

322
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:37,917
But if it meant rescuin'
Catalina, he could've danced
on the head of a pin.

323
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,188
[ Crowd Exclaiming ]

324
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,991
- [ Cheering ]
- Wow.

325
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,527
Yeah.
* It's the cream of the fight
rising up *

326
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:52,098
* To the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor *

327
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:54,967
[ Earl Narrating ]
And watchin' Randy
cross those hot coals,

328
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:57,604
I realized he probably wouldn't
have failed gym class...

329
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,572
if Catalina had gone
to our high school.
[ Cheering ]

330
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,641
* The eye of the tiger **

331
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:04,143
Everything was goin' great
for Randy.

332
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:07,514
[ Crowd Shouting ]

333
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,918
And even when
it didn't go great,
nothin' stopped him.

334
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:23,963
Yeah!

335
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,998
I did it! I did it!

336
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,368
[ Crowd Groans ]

337
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,503
[ Earl Narrating ]
And in return
for his sacrifice,

338
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:33,506
Randy got to marry
the woman he loved.

339
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,975
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

340
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,177
[ Cheering ]

341
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,213
You're a good friend.

342
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,350
[ Earl Narrating ]
He thought about tellin'
his new wife that he loved her,

343
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,752
but he didn't want to risk
ruinin' his wedding day.

344
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,687
** [ Man Singing "That's Life"
In Spanish ]

345
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:50,523
Thanks for lettin' me
be the hero.

346
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,959
You've been the hero
all along, Randy.

347
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:56,028
I was just
gettin' in your way.

348
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,198
- [ Yelps ]
- [ Crowd Cheering ]

349
00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,868
That's so she doesn't
get too full of herself.

350
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:04,871
Oh.

351
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:07,106
[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep, it was a successful trip.

352
00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:10,943
I was feelin' happy,
and not just 'cause of
my airplane pills.

353
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,613
I was happy 'cause I helped
bring Catalina back home...

354
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,849
and I helped get Randy closer
to the woman he loved.

355
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:20,320
** [ Continues ]

356
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,189
And I taught a bad guy
about bein' good.

357
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:26,293
What happened?
Who took your pants?

358
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,495
Oh, man,
that's my thing.

359
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:31,097
It was the same bandidos
who chopped off Mario's fingers.

360
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:34,267
- This time,
they cut out his tongue.
- Cut out your tongue?

361
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,869
[ Garbled ]
I don't want
to talk about it.

362
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:40,072
How dare they do this
to my nephew in my village?

363
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:43,109
They said because
they heard you were nice now,
they could do as they please.

364
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,445
Did they?
Okay, well, forget karma.

365
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:49,449
New rule:
Do bad things,
and Diego happens!

366
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:55,054
Wolverines!
[ Gunshots ]

367
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,256
[ Singer Laughing ]