1 00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:03,604 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:07,508 Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Abernathy. 3 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:10,644 I hope the retirement trailer park community is everything you saved for. 4 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:14,915 Oh, it will be. Golden Endings is supposed to be lovely. 5 00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:17,385 They say there's a bunny living there. 6 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:22,156 [ Earl Narrating ] We hadn't seen Mrs. Abernathy in six months, 7 00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:27,528 and I thought she was already dead, so I was happy to see her alive. 8 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,263 They're gonna die soon, aren't they, Earl? 9 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,232 At least they'll be near a bunny. 10 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:33,967 [ Earl Narrating ] I was also happy to see her leave, 'cause that allowed me... 11 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,036 to do number 52 on my list-- 12 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,372 dig up and return the buried treasure. 13 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,708 It all started back when me and Joy were married. 14 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:43,511 Some families all get together and play Scrabble. 15 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,247 But since we couldn't spell, we would just go stealin'. 16 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:49,517 We steal enough stuff tonight, I'm gettin' a motorcycle. No, you're not. 17 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,852 Yeah, I am. You're not gettin' a motorcycle, dummy. 18 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:54,422 You broke your collarbone tryin' to drive the kids' Big Wheel. 19 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:58,192 No one ever talks about how I made it one mile down the highway on that Big Wheel. 20 00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,594 They only talk about the collarbone. 21 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,596 [ Earl Narrating ] We were bored of robbin' our usual places, 22 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,199 like the hardware store or my dad's house, 23 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,668 so we chose a place we'd never been before: 24 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,538 The library. [ Joy ] Come on. Let's get to stealin'. 25 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,707 Can I stay back here and be lookout? Why? 26 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:17,211 I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts. 27 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,280 They might as well make books out of knives. 28 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:22,183 When I start cryin', Joy's gonna make fun of me. 29 00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,585 You know, like how she does because I can't snap. 30 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:27,755 Are you comin' or not? Randy's gonna stay here and be our lookout. 31 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:33,026 Great. Hey, if you see somebody comin', just snap. [ Chuckling ] 32 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:36,564 Seriously, though, you need to give us a little whistle. 33 00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:42,536 [ Faint Whistling ] 34 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:47,141 [ Spits ] Damn. 35 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:50,244 [ Earl Narrating ] In Camden County, the library was also the museum, 36 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,480 so you could actually learn stuff there, 37 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,582 instead of just readin' books. 38 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:57,585 I learned that day the official bird of Camden was the peacock. 39 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,953 And since it wasn't nailed down, I took it. 40 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,055 Randy, peacock! 41 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,693 Oh, snap! Check it out. 42 00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,529 Fancy forks and spoons. 43 00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,831 Wow, this one's got holes rotted through it. 44 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,666 Nice. All cereal, no milk. 45 00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:17,838 Wait! 46 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:21,409 Now that we got fancy silverware, I want us to eat like civilized human beings. 47 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,612 - Join hands. - Are we gonna dance? 48 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,381 No, dummy. We're gonna say grace. 49 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:31,385 Earl, deliver our blessing. 50 00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:34,822 [ Clears Throat ] Uh, Lord, 51 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:40,661 uh, thank you for allowing us to steal such nice silverware. 52 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,730 Uh, we promise to take good care of it... 53 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,032 as we use it to eat all your creatures. 54 00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:48,101 - [ All ] Amen. - [ Man On TV ] The librarian is on the scene. 55 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,038 [ Gasps ] Check it out! Library's on TV. 56 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:55,709 They broke the beak clean off of Zucker, our peacock. 57 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:59,313 Plus, they stole the silverware that belonged to Philip C. Graber. 58 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,450 He was our famous Civil War general. 59 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,818 The silverware is worth $2,000. 60 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,087 [ Gasps ] We're rich! 61 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:10,558 And it's prominently marked with a "C." The police have been alerted. 62 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,093 "C" for "silverware." That's smart. 63 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,596 [ Earl Narrating ] So we took the silverware to Jasper to sell it, 64 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,065 but he had seen that old lady on the news too. 65 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:21,235 Sorry. It's too hot. And I can't give it to my silver guy... 66 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,103 'cause he got busted meltin' down a menorah. 67 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:26,640 They said it was a hate crime, but he just hated bein' poor. 68 00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,444 [ Earl Narrating ] Since the silverware was too hot for Jasper, 69 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,347 the plan was to sit on it until things cooled off. 70 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,183 Randy dug the hole too big 'cause he got confused... 71 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,252 and thought we were burying Jasper. 72 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:42,189 But all the next day, I thought about gettin' a motorcycle. 73 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:45,259 If those fat twins from the world records book could each have one, 74 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,261 I didn't see why I couldn't. 75 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,196 So I came up with a plan. 76 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,031 Gotta poop. 77 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:54,001 I wrote a ransom note to the library, askin' for $2,000, 78 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,203 or I'd kill their silverware. 79 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,171 And to make 'em think I was a real sicko, 80 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,675 I even cut a nipple out of a nudie magazine and used it as a period. 81 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,978 [ Knocking ] [ Joy ] Earl, you've been in there 20 minutes. 82 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:08,749 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I thought I was done, and then round two. 83 00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,751 I'm just as surprised as you are. 84 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:13,587 Just turn the damned fan on. Okay. 85 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,258 Damn it. 86 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,694 [ Earl Narrating ] I figured my ransom note would work a lot better... 87 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,464 if I could prove I had the hostage. 88 00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:26,367 Luckily, I had stolen a camera the week before. 89 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,336 So I took a picture of the hostage, 90 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,471 and another one of two crickets humpin', 91 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:33,874 and then reburied the silverware. [ Shoveling ] 92 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,177 Fortunately for me, there was an unwritten rule at the trailer park. 93 00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:42,483 If you see someone burying somethin' at night, you don't ask questions. 94 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:46,454 Lookin' back, I'm surprised Joy didn't figure out I was up to somethin'. 95 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,956 Mostly 'cause I'm a terrible liar. 96 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:51,359 Why are you so dirty? 97 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,327 - Horse. - Huh? 98 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:57,698 Rode a horse. Horses are dirty. I got dirty while ridin' it. 99 00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:01,769 What's the big deal? You don't get to tell me when I ride a horse and when I don't. 100 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,505 Well, you can go ride on the couch tonight, Pigpen. 101 00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:07,808 [ Earl Narrating ] I was glad Joy kicked me out. If I had stayed in there any longer, 102 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,544 I was afraid the subject of the silverware would come up, 103 00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:12,780 and that was the last thing I wanted to talk about. 104 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:17,651 Earl, listen, I got an idea about what we can do with the fancy forks. 105 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,687 Let me guess, Randy. A fork robot? 106 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,757 No-- Do you know how to make a fork robot? 107 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,059 And I'm lockin' this door. I don't want you sneakin' back in... 108 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:29,930 and tryin' to put your dirty hands all over me. 109 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,065 Women. 110 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,001 They sure are loud, huh, Earl? 111 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:37,571 Anyway, about the fancy forks-- Enough about the forks. I need some air. 112 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,712 [ Earl Narrating ] I dropped off my ransom note that night... 113 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,847 and Dotty found it the next morning. 114 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:54,755 It scared the pee-pee out of her, which at her age wasn't a hard thing to do. 115 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,758 So all I had to do was wait for Dotty to make the drop. 116 00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:00,628 I told her to put two grand in a Chubby's Barbecue bag... 117 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,731 and leave it in the trash can outside the old train station. 118 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:07,801 [ Coughing ] 119 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,237 I had a close call when Joy drove by, 120 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:13,607 but that smoker's cough was better than a cowbell around her neck. 121 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:20,313 Dotty was right on time, as old people and librarians tend to be. 122 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,851 Lucky for me, she was both. 123 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,220 I was a smart enough criminal not to go for the money right away, 124 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,089 just in case anyone was watchin'. 125 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:36,096 I forgot to ask Randy what he was doin' following that guy with the tight striped pants. 126 00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:46,474 It was at that point I decided to forget about the whole scheme. 127 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:50,878 - [ Siren Blaring ] - And don't worry, that homeless guy is on my list. 128 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:55,983 Especially since I've seen him around town, and he's still blue. 129 00:06:56,049 --> 00:07:00,087 And lookin' back on it now, I realize karma must not have liked what I did, 130 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:03,190 'cause it tried to kill me with an explodin' bush. 131 00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:07,227 Now that Joy's neighbors had moved away, 132 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:10,030 I could finally dig up the silverware and return it to the library. 133 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,132 There was only one problem. 134 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:15,703 I don't understand, Randy. I could swear this is where we buried the silverware. 135 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,438 [ Randy Narrating ] There was a reason Earl couldn't find that silverware, 136 00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,508 and I knew what it was. 137 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,744 You know the kind of guy who likes hangin' out with his brother watchin' cartoons, 138 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,879 and also likes to touch things with his tongue? 139 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,248 Well, that's me. I'm also the kind of guy... 140 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:30,618 who likes hangin' out with his brother and watchin' cartoons. 141 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,385 Oh, wait, I already said that. 142 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,188 I also hold the Camden County record for starin' at the sun. 143 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,891 My name is Randy. 144 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:44,231 My name is Randy. 145 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,834 I could swear we buried the silverware right here. 146 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,637 Maybe someone from China dug and got it from the other end. 147 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:52,740 I just think maybe I'm off by a few feet. 148 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:56,243 [ Randy Narrating ] How did I know Earl wasn't gonna find that silverware? 149 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,579 I knew because I took it. 150 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:02,349 You're not gettin' a motorcycle. You broke your collarbone tryin' to drive the kids' Big Wheel. 151 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:05,018 [ Randy Narrating ] I was bummed that Joy wouldn't let Earl get a motorcycle, 152 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,154 'cause I always wanted to ride in a sidecar. 153 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,890 But I was even more bummed that Earl and Joy were fightin', 154 00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,092 because when they fight, it always gives me a tummy ache. 155 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,729 But after we stole some fancy silverware from the library, 156 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,865 everyone started bein' happy again. 157 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,834 Randy, peacock! [ Screaming ] 158 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,037 [ Randy Narrating ] There was nothin' better than when everyone was gettin' along. 159 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,239 Except for when I was starin' at a spoon, 160 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:29,843 and a little tiny upside-down Randy with a crazy forehead was starin' back. 161 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:35,683 But it didn't last. We couldn't sell the silverware because it was too famous. 162 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:41,021 I guess we would've had the same problem if we stole that Webster kid from Diff'rent Strokes. 163 00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:44,224 We went from everybody gettin' along to nobody talkin', 164 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,960 and that's when my tummy started to hurtin' again. 165 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:50,363 - I gotta poop. - I guess Earl's did too. 166 00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:53,934 Whenever I was alone with Joy, it made me nervous. And when I get nervous-- 167 00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:57,237 I gotta pee. 168 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:02,710 After I got away from Joy, I went to meet up with Darnell for what I call "idea time." 169 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,512 Nerf sidewalks. That's what I'm talkin' about. 170 00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:09,750 That is man I was telling you about. That guy stole silverware? 171 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,785 He is not brains of operation. 172 00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:15,623 Oh. He's muscle. He's more like butt. 173 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:20,794 You mean, if I only had two grand, 174 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,497 I could turn it into 20 overnight? 175 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:29,269 Well, I'll see if I can find new investor. 176 00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,406 Hello, friend. You may have heard me... 177 00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:37,444 speaking to my high-level business contact in Russia. 178 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:43,283 Would you be interested in turning $2,000 into $20,000? 179 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:46,053 Yeah. But I don't have $2,000. 180 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,690 Do you have anything worth that much? 181 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:54,662 No. Are you sure? 182 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:58,265 Maybe some... cutlery? 183 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,500 What's cutlery? 184 00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:04,972 Silverware... of value. Forks, knives. 185 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:10,878 I don't even care if it's stolen. Hey. 186 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,880 [ Randy Narrating ] We made plans to meet later that night. 187 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,282 I couldn't wait to get home to tell Earl how I met a man... 188 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,918 who sounded like Count Chocula and looked like Franken Berry. 189 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:21,054 But the important thing was, he was gonna make us rich. 190 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:25,092 I tried to talk to Earl, but he was distracted by Joy's yappin'. 191 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,527 Listen to her. Yappity, yappity, yappity. 192 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:30,998 Women. They sure are loud, huh, Earl? Anyway, about the forks-- 193 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,066 Enough about the forks. I need some air. 194 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:39,807 I knew somethin' was wrong with Earl, because I was pretty sure there was air in here, too. 195 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,109 He left because he was mad, and so was Joy. 196 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,111 If I ever wanted my tummy to stop hurtin', 197 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:47,480 I had to sell the fancy forks on my own. 198 00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:50,250 So later that night, I snuck out. 199 00:10:55,188 --> 00:11:00,327 [ Whistles ] 200 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:05,065 I dug up the silverware so the businessman could send it to Russia. 201 00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:08,135 [ Shoveling ] 202 00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:12,672 I wondered who that guy was sellin' his silverware to. 203 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,949 You got? 204 00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:31,491 This is good. I worried you no show. I leave town soon. 205 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,727 Then how am I gonna get my money? 206 00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:36,496 Oh, right. 207 00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:42,602 Tomorrow, you meet my associate at, uh, old train station. 208 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:45,005 How will I know it's him? 209 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:50,243 Hmm. Just ask for person who has "the stuff." 210 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,179 Shh. 211 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,183 [ Randy Narrating ] So the next morning, 212 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,418 I went to the old train station to get the money. 213 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,792 Do you have the stuff? 214 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,797 [ Coughing ] 215 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,500 Do you have the stuff? Get away from me. 216 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:18,338 I'm just here to do what the note said, even though the spelling was atrocious. 217 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:28,615 Spare some change? Sorry. 218 00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:32,352 But if you're hungry, I just saw a lady throw away a Chubby's bag that looked pretty full. 219 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,287 Thanks, buddy. 220 00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,661 Do you have the stuff? Pardon? 221 00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:45,665 If you have the stuff, I want it. Can you give it to me? 222 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:50,503 You have the stuff, don't you? Oh, I have got the stuff, kitten. 223 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:55,508 Great. Where should we do it? Well, there's a little gazebo right over there. 224 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,045 Come on. 225 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,152 [ Man ] Police! Freeze! 226 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:08,488 [ Man #2 ] Don't move! 227 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,558 [ Randy Narrating ] The stuff he had was the same as the stuff I already had, 228 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,493 so I got the hell out of there. 229 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:23,136 The point is, I never got the money. 230 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,939 And that's how I knew Earl wouldn't find the silverware. 231 00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:29,809 It's not here, Randy. I'm sure we buried the silverware 10 paces from the tree. 232 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:33,480 Well, we were drinkin' that night. Did you try 10 drunk paces? 233 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,083 I'll give it a shot. 234 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,027 [ Joy Narrating ] He might be off by a couple of feet, 235 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:50,263 but when he does find that box, he won't like what's inside. 236 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,265 Idiot. 237 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,635 You know the kind of woman who could've been the next Faith Hill, 238 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,906 but somewhere along the way discovered peach daiquiris, put her diaphragm in wrong, 239 00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:02,509 and wound up smack dab in the middle of trailer hell, raisin' two kids? 240 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:06,079 Yet she still manages to look hot, and you could bounce a quarter off her butt, 241 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:09,116 'cause you gotta take care of yourself, I mean, come on. 242 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,619 Anyway, that's me. My name is Joy. 243 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,492 My name is Joy. 244 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:22,529 There were two reasons I knew Earl wouldn't find what he was lookin' for. 245 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:26,366 One, he was wasted. And two, I got to it first. 246 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,371 We stole some silverware from the library, but it was too hot to sell, 247 00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:34,574 so we agreed to let it sit in the dirt for a few years. 248 00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:40,313 - I gotta poop. - [ Joy ] But then people started actin' real weird. 249 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,349 Earl never reads in the bathroom. 250 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:45,218 He uses that time to make the cockroaches race. 251 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:47,020 Then Randy started actin' even weirder. 252 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,656 You know, guilty-like, but tryin' to hide it, 253 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:55,595 - like that face O.J. made when he was puttin' on that glove. - I gotta pee. 254 00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:58,698 Those two dummies were definitely up to somethin' behind my back, 255 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,667 and I didn't like it. 256 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,937 And I'm lockin' this door. I don't want you sneakin' back in... 257 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,740 and tryin' to put your dirty hands all over me. 258 00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:10,243 [ Joy Narrating ] I was gonna make sure I stole that stolen silverware... 259 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,379 from them before they stole it from me. 260 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,515 I took the good stuff and replaced it with some crap from home. 261 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:19,286 That way, if those two dummies tried to sell it behind my back, they'd be screwed. 262 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,188 [ Rustling ] 263 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,665 [ Door Shuts ] 264 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,037 [ Whistling ] 265 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:44,244 [ Chuckles ] Dumb-ass. 266 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,614 [ Joy Narrating ] Since I couldn't sell the stuff as is, I decided to melt it. 267 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:51,884 I figured turnin' silver into silverware was probably the hard part, 268 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,456 so turnin' the silverware back into silver that I could sell was gonna be easy. 269 00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,758 But I was wrong. 270 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:01,928 - What do you mean, you can't take it? - Joy, this town is crawlin'... 271 00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:04,631 with those Civil War reenactment guys tryin' to find this stuff, 272 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:08,701 and the ones from the South would love nothin' better than to find it with me. 273 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:11,638 [ Joy Narrating ] I was upset Jasper wouldn't take the silverware. 274 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:15,975 But I can only stay upset for so long when my girl Faith's on the radio. 275 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,645 ** [ Country ] 276 00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:21,714 * Caught up in the touch Slow and steady rush * 277 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,051 * Baby, isn't that the way * 278 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:27,720 * That love's supposed to be * 279 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:33,326 * I can feel you breathe * 280 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:39,899 * Just breathe ** 281 00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,702 [ Coughing ] 282 00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,453 [ Joy Narrating ] So I was forced to rebury the silverware, 283 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,091 but in a different spot, where Earl and Randy would never find it. 284 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:07,094 It was a special place, because it was the exact spot I was standing... 285 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,729 when Earl Junior was conceived. 286 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:16,569 I can't wait to see their faces when they dig up that box and see what's inside. 287 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,438 [ Laughing ] 288 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:23,310 What's so funny, baby? Did that lady put her big granny panties on the clothesline again? 289 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,312 We should go over and get in them together, 290 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,014 and take a picture for our Christmas card. 291 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:31,618 Earl thinks he's gonna find some silverware we stole a while back. 292 00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:35,788 But I stole it out from under him and hid it by the big rock out back. 293 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:39,892 Oh, yeah? Yeah. I tried meltin' it down, so it looks all black and gross, 294 00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:42,295 but underneath, it's pure silver. 295 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,497 It's kinda like my safety net. I like knowin' it's there, 296 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,968 just in case I ever need to jump bail and head for Mexico, or I see a pair of shoes I like. 297 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,271 [ Darnell Narrating ] I didn't have the nerve to tell Joy... 298 00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,840 that silver wasn't where she thought it was. 299 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:58,678 You know the kind of guy who graduated college at 14, is a virtuoso cellist, 300 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:03,049 and can identify 254 varieties of cheese in a blind taste test, 301 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:06,519 but can't reveal any of that because he's in the Witness Protection Program? 302 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,756 Well, that's me. Don't tell anyone I told you this. 303 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:12,225 My name is-- 304 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:15,862 Well, you better just call me Crabman. 305 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:20,567 When Mr. Fish died, I thought I'd bury him in a place he would like. 306 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,270 It was a special place, where I took Joy on our first date. 307 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:26,506 I'm sorry I thought the pepper was the fish food. 308 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,808 I know that couldn't have been an easy way to go. 309 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:32,912 But if it's any consolation, I put the fish food on my eggs. 310 00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:35,715 It didn't kill me, though. Sorry. 311 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:49,929 It looked like it was from some ancient civilization, possibly Paleolithic, 312 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:53,466 though it appeared to have been struck with a cylindrical object... 313 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,402 that wouldn't have been invented until the Bronze Age. 314 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,904 So I decided to take it down to the museum. 315 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,139 Thought I'd bring 'em in here, since you're the expert. 316 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:02,209 I'm pretty sure it's just trash. 317 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:08,014 But we still have some room in our display case. 318 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,551 [ Darnell Narrating ] Earl wasn't the only one who would never find the silver. 319 00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:15,788 Neither would Joy. That's what they get for tryin' to screw with me. 320 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,428 [ Darnell Narrating ] And I sure wasn't gonna be the one to tell her. 321 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,697 I'd never say it out loud, but-- [ Laughing ] 322 00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:26,633 that bitch is crazy. 323 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:29,168 I don't know what happened, but it's not there anymore. 324 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,938 [ Darnell Narrating ] I felt bad, because I didn't know what Earl could do... 325 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,840 about the thing on his list. 326 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:37,109 [ Earl Narrating ] There was only one thing I could do. 327 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,712 I'd like to make a donation. 328 00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:42,749 Oh, honey, we don't sell weed here anymore. 329 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,784 That man got fired. 330 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:48,355 I know. Tito was a friend of mine. I wanted to make an actual cash donation. 331 00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:50,357 You know, to make the library a better place. 332 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:53,926 Oh, all righty. I'll get the shoe box. 333 00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,163 Hey, Earl, check it out. 334 00:19:57,230 --> 00:20:02,068 They found something that belonged to cavemen right here in Camden. 335 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:05,004 [ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized why I couldn't find the buried treasure. 336 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:07,240 I still, to this day, don't know how it got there, 337 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:12,279 but, well, at least it meant I could cross number 52 off my list. 338 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:17,016 [ Dotty Narrating ] You know the kind of woman who seems like a quiet librarian, 339 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:20,287 but when she removes her pencil and lets her hair fall down, 340 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:23,923 she looks all wild and sexy? 341 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,859 [ Sighs ] I wish that was me. 342 00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,429 My name is Dotty.