1 00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:05,773 [ Earl Narrating ] Lately I've been getting trapped a lot. 2 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:09,543 Damn it. Randy! I knew Randy couldn't help me... 3 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,945 'cause Saturdays are when he listens to America's Top 40 Countdown. 4 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,182 * The names and the trends * 5 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:16,450 [ Pounding ] * High school never ends * 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,287 * Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh * 7 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:22,223 * Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh * 8 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:25,126 Hey! * Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ** 9 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,195 After that I was at the Crab Shack... 10 00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,363 and got trapped talkin' to Slow Roger. 11 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:32,433 ...popcorn shrimp, coconut shrimp, 12 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,968 pepper shrimp, shrimp soup. 13 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:38,239 My fifth-favorite Tom Hanks movie is Philadelphia. 14 00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:41,375 He had scabs on his arms, 15 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:44,878 scabs on his legs, scabs on his back, 16 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:47,047 scabs on his neck-- 17 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,083 And it wasn't just me who got trapped. 18 00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:51,152 The El Camino was squeezed in so tight... 19 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,221 I couldn't even get to the door. 20 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,289 So I went for the only other entrance there was. 21 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,860 And when I got trapped for the fourth time, 22 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:02,330 I finally realized it was karma trying to tell me something. 23 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,765 I just wasn't sure what. 24 00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,870 And then I knew. 25 00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:13,141 It wasn't something on my list, but it should have been. 26 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,276 A few months back Joy stole a truck. 27 00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:17,345 When we opened up the back, 28 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,613 we found out she'd accidentally kidnapped a guy. 29 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,284 And I helped her keep him in there while we figured out what to do with him. 30 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,519 Karma was telling me I needed to make up for it. 31 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,088 Help! Anybody? 32 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:30,324 Hello! 33 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:34,061 What's goin' on, Earl? 34 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:37,598 Hey, did you see that Saving Private Ryan on TV last night? 35 00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:40,334 There was that guy that died on the beach. 36 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:44,538 And that other guy that died on the beach. 37 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,241 And that other guy that got hit on the helmet. 38 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,877 He didn't die on the beach. 39 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,513 Then he took his helmet off. 40 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:56,584 Then he died on the beach. [ Groans ] 41 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,119 My name is Earl. 42 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:05,526 [ Earl Narrating ] I thought about what to do for that guy Joy kidnapped, 43 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,795 and since I must have caused him a lot of stress, 44 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,198 I decided I should treat him to a massage with Tammy, 45 00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,099 Camden's only legitimate masseuse. 46 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,402 Make sure you don't knock until we get around the corner. 47 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,470 He can't see me. This gift has to be unanimous. 48 00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,606 He knows it's just a massage, right? 49 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,409 I'm sick of seeing their hips go up and hearing, "You missed a spot." 50 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,377 No, no. He knows. And sorry for what happened. 51 00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,413 Randy misunderstood what was goin' on. 52 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,515 I never had a legal massage. What's the point? 53 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,184 It's like drinkin' non-alcoholic beer. 54 00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:33,954 [ Alarm Beeping ] 55 00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:35,989 Wonder if he's sleepin'. 56 00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:38,626 [ Beeping Continues ] 57 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,566 [ Beeping ] 58 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,901 Turns out we could send Tammy home... 59 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:51,104 'cause there was nobody who could massage the stiffness out of Josh now. 60 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,106 [ Radio, Indistinct ] How did this happen? 61 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,309 Man, sometime when a garbage truck goes by... 62 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,645 and a door slam at the same time, the bed goes up. 63 00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,680 I probably should have rented to a heavier guy. 64 00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:04,051 Hey, easy there, homeboy. You left a mark. 65 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,421 Every time they pick somebody up they leave a mark. 66 00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:10,291 [ Earl Narrating ] Finding the guy on my list dead kind of bummed me out. 67 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,361 We weren't exactly close, but when someone you kidnap passes away, 68 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,596 any normal person is gonna be upset. 69 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:19,066 Whoo-hoo! My witness is dead! 70 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,402 Darnell, get me a pitcher of champagne. 71 00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:25,806 -We don't have champagne. -Then get me a chablis and 7-Up. I want something sparkly. 72 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,376 Wait. Why are you celebratin'? The guy was a human being. 73 00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,478 A human being that could have put me away for life. 74 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,814 My trial just got a lot easier. My deaf lawyer said it was a lucky break. 75 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,250 Well, actually, she said, "Wucky bake." 76 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:38,919 [ Laughs ] You gotta meet her. 77 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:41,289 She's funnier than that little insurance lizard that talks. 78 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,357 My God, I would marry that thing. 79 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,559 Hey, Darnell, speakin' of marriage-- 80 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,595 Do you have any sort of drinks for married people... 81 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,163 like a "Bloody Married" or a "Married-tini"? 82 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,467 I'm only interested on account of we're married now. Me and her. 83 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,436 [ Earl Narrating ] Ever since Randy married Catalina... 84 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,438 so she could come back to America, [ Horns Honking ] 85 00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:59,540 he was lettin' people know about it whenever he could. 86 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,909 I got the license plate number for the car that hit you. 87 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,077 I was standing over there with my new wife. 88 00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,980 We got married recently. See the ring? 89 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,850 Do you like man jewelry? I didn't think I would, but I really do. 90 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:15,356 Anyway, as married people, we saw that car run you over and-- 91 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:17,458 I forgot the license plate number. 92 00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:20,227 So have you guys started looking for a fake apartment yet? 93 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:23,931 We don't need an apartment. Randy just married me so I could get into the country. 94 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,667 Yeah, but you still gotta make the marriage look legit. 95 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,736 Those I.N.S. people are tough. 96 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,372 They took away our Filipino busboy last week. 97 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,507 Poor little guy tried to hold 'em off... 98 00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,743 with a dirty mop and a feisty crab. 99 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:38,245 Well, I would like a new place. 100 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,648 Where I am now is a little cramped. 101 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,452 [ Machinery Whirring ] 102 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:55,028 What do you think? Do we need to get an apartment together? 103 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:58,332 What do you think, Earl? Do we need to get an apartment with Catalina? 104 00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:01,569 I think she means just the two of you, since you're married now. 105 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:05,005 - Just you and Catalina. - Just me and Catalina? 106 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,542 Yes, I'd like to do it, please. 107 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,544 * Ding dong the witness is dead * 108 00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:13,714 * The witness is dead The witness is dead ** 109 00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:16,450 [ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't sure how to cross a dead guy off my list, 110 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,820 so I went to Hamerick's Funeral Home to find out when his funeral was gonna be. 111 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,390 Maybe someone there could tell me what I could do for Josh. 112 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:25,125 [ Crowd Cheering ] Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamerick? 113 00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:27,428 [ Announcer, Indistinct ] 114 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:29,730 Mr. Hamerick? 115 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:33,033 He's a heavy sleeper. Let me try to wake him up. 116 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,136 [ Blaring ] 117 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:39,773 [ Chuckling ] I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. I'm Mr. Hamerick. 118 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:44,778 Wh-What's a dead guy doin' watchin' a football game? 119 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,947 That's what we do here at Hamerick's. 120 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,983 We don't do any of those stiff-in-the-box viewings like those Nathanville hacks. 121 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:53,887 No. Here we specialize in what I call "The Living Tableaux." 122 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:56,156 We show 'em doing what they loved in life. 123 00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:59,627 Last week I had a gangbanger tagging a Dumpster. 124 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,630 It looked so real, the rival gang came in and shot him again. 125 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:07,635 Wow. That is so cool. Earl, when I die can you dress me up like an astronaut? 126 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,770 But put me on a chair couch like that guy. 127 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:12,205 I don't wanna go up in space. People die up there. 128 00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:13,841 How can I help you? One of you sick? 129 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:16,510 We're here to find out when Josh Martin's funeral is. 130 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:20,781 Josh Martin. Oh, the retractable-bed kid? 131 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:23,651 Nobody claimed his body. He's not gonna have a funeral. 132 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,454 - That's terrible. - Excuse me. Are those potato chips real, 133 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,422 or are they dead too? 134 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:31,459 [ Earl Narrating ] I wanted to get ideas on what I could do for Josh, 135 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:33,461 so I went to talk to his neighbors. 136 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,896 Dead? I loved that guy. He was my hero. 137 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,866 I've never seen anybody accomplish so much with just hooks for hands. 138 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:42,536 Think we're talking about a different guy, but thanks anyway. 139 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:45,338 I knocked on every door in the building, 140 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,742 and even went by his work, but no one seemed to know anything about him. 141 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,912 Here's an apartment that's pretty cheap. 142 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,582 Randy, we're not renting any apartment where they ask girls... 143 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,784 to send in pictures to prove they're not fatties. 144 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,886 I can't believe it. I looked everywhere. 145 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:01,188 The guy had no friends. Nobody even knew him. 146 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,190 I knew a guy like that once. 147 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,158 Oh, wait. I guess I didn't-- 148 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:08,061 Because if I knew him, then he wouldn't be a guy that nobody knew. 149 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:12,099 I guess I didn't know a guy like that. Sorry. I thought I did. 150 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,967 Well, I guess that's it. 151 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,170 I gave it a shot, but I can't find any way to help the dude. 152 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:22,042 Josh, if you're watchin', you saw I tried. 153 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:24,244 I'm gonna cross you off now. 154 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,279 Uh, if there's a problem with that-- 155 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,482 I don't know. Make my pen explode. 156 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,151 Oh, wait. 157 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,521 Okay, make it explode. 158 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,659 Okay, I guess we're cool then. 159 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,264 [ Earl Narrating ] Usually I get a great night's sleep... 160 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,133 after crossing something off my list, 161 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,169 but crossin' Josh off just didn't seem to do the trick. 162 00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,948 [ Gasps ] Holy Moses. I thought you were dead. 163 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,651 Hey, Earl. Uh, I am dead. 164 00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:05,853 Point to a number. 165 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,889 Um, Okay. Six. 166 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:12,993 One, two, three-- Are you mad I crossed you off? 167 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:17,865 Kind of. Doesn't seem fair. I mean, you didn't do anything for me. 168 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,000 I-I don't know what to do for you. 169 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,035 Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. 170 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,204 Anything you want, and I'll do it. 171 00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:27,541 Do you know what they do with unclaimed bodies in Camden County? 172 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,010 - No. - They sell 'em to the university... 173 00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:32,412 for medical students to practice on. 174 00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:36,449 I just know some joker's gonna stick a pencil in my butt. 175 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,887 You want me write a letter to the university? Is that why you're here? 176 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:42,723 Pick a color and look underneath. 177 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,632 Don't let me be forgotten. 178 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,435 I have to throw Josh a funeral. 179 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:57,270 When I find an apartment with Catalina, 180 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,973 I don't know who's gonna clip your nails for you. 181 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,875 [ Spits ] 182 00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:09,583 So, any thoughts of what you want for the retractable-bed kid? 183 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,653 With the proper makeup I can turn him into a young Mel Gibson. 184 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,423 I'm only mentioning this 'cause we've got a dead black guy coming in later. 185 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,392 I thought I could whip up a whole Lethal Weapon kind of thing. 186 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,294 Walter, I respect your work, 187 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:24,231 and I'm sure a lot of clients like this kind of thing. 188 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,233 He looks happy. 189 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:29,036 Probably 'cause, uh, you put staples in his face. 190 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:34,007 But not knowin' Josh, I'd feel safer doing something not so-- 191 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,678 - Creative? - Well, I was gonna say creepy and insane, 192 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,680 but what I mean is, 193 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,415 I want something dignified and respectful. 194 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,885 A box. You want a box. 195 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:49,589 You want the number three package with the blue suit and the hill-view plot... 196 00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:52,059 and Pachelbel's Canon in "D" on organ, 197 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:56,196 with the Stargazer lilies and the card with the 23rd psalm on it. 198 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,866 Well, n-not the cannon. That sounds a little dangerous. 199 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,902 Should I just go to Nathanville? 200 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:05,773 No, I'll do it. I need the money. I get sued a lot. 201 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,175 [ Earl Narrating ] After pulling the trigger on the number three package, 202 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,310 there were still a few decisions I had to make. 203 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:12,713 Look for something of Josh's that'd be good to bury him in-- 204 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:16,416 Something dignified. Something that says, "I should be remembered." 205 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,986 I don't wanna speak ill of the dead, 206 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,922 but fashion-wise, that boy died years ago. 207 00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:24,024 Why do you care so much about this guy anyway? 208 00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:26,259 'Cause he came to visit me last night in my dream. 209 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,328 That's just your conscience, stupid. Ignore it. 210 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,630 That's how I got through cheatin' on you all those years. 211 00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:34,001 Please. You know how many times I saw you standing on the hood of my car... 212 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,436 while I was humpin' Darnell, huh? 213 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:39,707 Well, you know, it's nice to know that you care, but I can't ignore Josh. 214 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:43,576 You know, I think you'd be a little more helpful after everything you did to him. 215 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,613 - Fine. I'll sell you Darnell's wedding suit. - The purple tux? 216 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,416 I thought you said that had grass stains on the back of it. 217 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,651 No, that was my wedding dress. 218 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,222 [ Early Narrating ] I wanted a big turnout at the funeral, 219 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:57,390 so I put up a flier at the Crab Shack... 220 00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:00,493 advertising free food and free booze for all mourners. 221 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,496 And I was confident I'd put together a dignified funeral... 222 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,532 that would help him be remembered. 223 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,667 Hey, Crabman. Hey, Earl. 224 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:12,672 Thanks for comin'. Josh would be happy to know you're here. 225 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,442 Who? 226 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,610 [ Earl Narrating ] Although there were a few signs... 227 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,546 things might not go exactly as I planned. 228 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:22,282 Hey, Earl, if people don't eat all the food, can I take it? 229 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,952 I could feed the kids for weeks on this. 230 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,887 Did you cut the face out of the cake? 231 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,389 Relax. I did you a favor. 232 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,658 This picture was makin' everybody think about the dead guy. 233 00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:34,728 We're supposed to think about the dead guy. This is his funeral. 234 00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:38,131 Earl, uh, quick question. Why is the dead guy wearing my suit? 235 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,734 Oh, I sold it to Earl for 50 bucks. 236 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:44,237 You sold my wedding suit? It ain't like you need it anymore. 237 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,374 I mean, are you plannin' on getting married again? 238 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,609 I love that suit, and I can't replace it. 239 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:52,679 The E.P.A. says the dye is poisonous, and they can't make it anymore. 240 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:56,483 Look, Darnell, you'll get the suit back just as soon as the ceremony's over, okay? 241 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,820 Till then he's gonna have his dead skin touching my suit, huh? 242 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:01,989 And his dead junk. 243 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,924 I hear your junk gets really tiny when you die. 244 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,893 Like when you're in a pool. 245 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:09,396 You're just sayin' that to make me feel good. His junk didn't shrink. 246 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,564 [ Laughing, Chattering ] 247 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:14,334 Hold on a second. 248 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:18,471 Damn it, people, this is a coffin, not a bar. Move your stuff. 249 00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:22,075 Who put a cigarette in his mouth? 250 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,415 Hey, Earl. Sorry we're late. We were looking for apartments, 251 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:31,351 then we picked up my coworkers at Club Chubby. 252 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,754 Ooh! Cake. I got a free lap dance on the way over. 253 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,490 But that's just 'cause there were more people than seats in the car. 254 00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:40,427 That's great, Randy. I hope we didn't miss your speech. 255 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:43,096 Oh, crap-- The eulogy. I gotta go practice. 256 00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,533 Hey, Earl, great party. It's not a party. 257 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:50,871 Hey, Earl, I think I remember reading that dead people can still "flatulate." 258 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:54,174 Do you think he's "flatulating" in my suit? 'Cause that ain't cool. 259 00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,209 Look, I'll get it dry-cleaned. 260 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,378 You can't just take it to any cleaners. 261 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:01,681 If they see it's got that purple poison dye, by law they have to destroy it. 262 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:04,084 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, when I went into the bathroom... 263 00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,519 to read over the notes I'd taken for my eulogy, 264 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:09,957 I realized it was just a list of things I saw in Josh's apartment. 265 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:13,493 "Cactus, mayonnaise, eggs, gas bill." 266 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,364 [ Clears Throat ] 267 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,332 Josh: Cactus, 268 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,634 mayonnaise, 269 00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,670 eggs, 270 00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,873 gas bill. 271 00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:28,808 Come on, Earl. All right. 272 00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,978 Now we lay him down to sleep, 273 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:35,115 we pray the Lord his soul to keep. 274 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:38,618 And when the... bough breaks-- 275 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,687 You can do this, Earl. 276 00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:43,590 The Lord giveth, and the bed taketh away. 277 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:49,696 Come on, Earl. "J" to the Sizzle, "O" to the "Hizzle." 278 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:52,399 Gimme a "J." [ Groans ] 279 00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,601 Come on, Earl. Cry. 280 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,603 Uh, Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash. 281 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,471 Uh, the Def Leppard drummer. 282 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,075 Gas bill. I suck. 283 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,577 What the hell is that? 284 00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:10,884 You had me at Josh. 285 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:14,587 While I spent time finding the right words to send Josh off to heaven, 286 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:17,624 everyone at the funeral had started raisin' hell. 287 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,160 [ Man ] * All you had to do was give Humpty a chance * 288 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,262 * And now I'm gonna do my dance * 289 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:25,098 * Humpty dance is a chance so do the hump * 290 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,267 * Come on Yeah, sexy baby * 291 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,803 - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! - * Do the Humpty hump ** 292 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,706 ** [ Ends ] We're not just here to go wild and have a good time. 293 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:35,575 We're here to talk about Josh. 294 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,611 - Who? - The dead guy we're here to respect. 295 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,949 Now, I've written up a eulogy. 296 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:44,918 - Turn the music back on. - No. 297 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:48,788 You're all gonna shut up, sit down and listen to my beautiful damn eulogy. 298 00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:50,390 [ Groans ] Now-- 299 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,360 Josh was a good man. [ Clattering ] 300 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:57,064 - My bad. - All right, that's it. 301 00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,632 Everybody out. Everybody. 302 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,973 Sorry, man. I let you down. 303 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,111 A coffin's not a trash can. 304 00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:16,249 Earl! You still in here? 305 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,621 You mind if I take some of the leftovers? 306 00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,895 You kidnapped me and this-- this is all I get? [ Gasps ] 307 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:32,032 [ Screaming ] 308 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:37,304 Six! Green, green! 309 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,207 I swear to God, Earl, that dream about made me pee up my bed. 310 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,309 I never do that sober. 311 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:46,279 I know. It's scary, isn't it? Freaky. 312 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:50,183 Left me feelin' all-- I don't know how to explain it. 313 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:52,352 It's not mad, because I don't want to hurt anybody, 314 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,322 and it's not sad because I don't want to hurt anybody. 315 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:59,292 Earl, I think I might be feeling guilty for what I did to him. 316 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,328 Really? 317 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:04,464 Well, this may sound weird, but I'm kind of glad to hear that. 318 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,366 Proud of you, Joy. 319 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,435 Take it easy, cupcake. We're not girlfriends here. 320 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,404 Just find a way to get him remembered so he'll get out of my sleep. 321 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,708 I've already tried, but the guy didn't know anybody. 322 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:19,146 I mean, you can't be remembered if no one knew you in the first place. 323 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:23,050 All we can do is just pack up his stuff like the landlord wants, and get out. 324 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,218 I think it's depressing. 325 00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:28,888 I mean, this cactus is the only living thing that'll even notice that Josh is gone. 326 00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:33,626 And that'll take six months at least, because these things don't take that much water. 327 00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:37,264 Damn it, how the hell do you go through life and not connect with anybody? 328 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,767 Oh, I think I broke something. The fish went away. 329 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,204 [ Pops ] What the hell is that? 330 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:47,174 "BigDog842, are you there?" 331 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,577 The computer's talking to me. It's callin' me BigDog. 332 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:53,946 It's not the computer talking. It's somebody in the wide, wide world of web. 333 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,716 Can we talk back? Hello? 334 00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,919 That's not a microphone, dummy. That's the arrow-mover thingy. 335 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:03,256 God, I swear I can't believe you've never heard of instant text chat. 336 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,325 - [ Pops ] - There's another one. 337 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,660 - [ Pops ] - Someone else is on there too. 338 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:09,929 [ Pops ] They're all lookin' for Josh. 339 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:12,699 [ Popping ] 340 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:16,236 [ Earl Narrating ] We discovered that Josh had a whole world of friends. 341 00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:20,540 They were just inside that box, hiding behind the fish. 342 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:23,710 Turns out he played poker with guys from all over the world. 343 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,578 [ Laughing ] Full house! 344 00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,014 And once again, Chen, I take your yen. 345 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,717 [ Beeping ] 346 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,120 ** [ Recorder, Harpsichord ] He also played medieval music with a girl... 347 00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,222 named "Harpycord" from Colby, Kansas. 348 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:43,463 He enjoyed arguing about television shows... 349 00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:46,233 in online forums under the name "whojackie." 350 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,601 No, I don't think shows should do more meta-jokes... 351 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,770 that cater to the online bloggers, 352 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:55,342 and I'm sure everyone at televisionwithoutpity.com agrees with me. 353 00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,079 Friday nights he had dinner... 354 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:03,250 with a friend he met online from India. [ No Audible Dialogue ] 355 00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:06,085 [ Glasses Clink ] 356 00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:12,692 And every weekend he played war games with a guy named Sharpshooter. 357 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:17,430 Medic! Soldier down, and I'm out of healing packs. 358 00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:20,367 Funny thing, help wasn't as far away as Josh thought it was. 359 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,170 Hold on, BigDog! Help's on the way. 360 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:26,105 We'll just mow down this wall of Nazis. 361 00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:31,010 We spent the whole day telling people about Josh dying, 362 00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,180 and then something unexpected happened-- 363 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,315 All the people who lived within driving distance... 364 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:39,686 wanted to get together and remember him. 365 00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:44,457 So a few days later Walter helped me and Joy throw another funeral for Josh. 366 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:50,129 And this time I didn't have to try to give him a eulogy. 367 00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,332 People who knew him did it instead. 368 00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:54,534 Man, Josh could make me L.O.L. [ Chuckling ] 369 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:58,004 I'd always be R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O. 370 00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,006 And he was there when you needed him. 371 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:02,375 He'd never give you a B.R.B. or an A.F.K. 372 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:10,049 He always sent the best forwards, 373 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:13,152 and when you sent him a chain letter-- [ Chuckles ] 374 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,622 you knew he'd pass it on. [ Phone Rings ] 375 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,358 Excuse me. Hello. This is Technical Support. 376 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:21,160 How can I help you today? My name is Mary Smith. 377 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,665 He was the best damn war gamer I ever played with. 378 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:28,635 He was always a medic, 'cause he liked to heal people. 379 00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,604 If only he could have healed himself. 380 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,243 [ Earl Narrating ] In the end, getting together to memorialize Josh... 381 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,478 made some pretty amazing things happen. 382 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,680 Guys who used to play online poker with him... 383 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:44,251 started getting together once a month to actually play in person. 384 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:47,887 For BigDog. BigDog, yeah. BigDog. 385 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:51,123 And since nobody wanted to rent an apartment where a guy had died, 386 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:55,562 Randy and Catalina got Josh's old place for a price they could afford. 387 00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,032 Oh! The landlord even fixed the bed. 388 00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:02,034 But most important, 389 00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:06,839 Josh was remembered by someone who never expected to care. 390 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,942 If you haven't thought of a name for it, I think I have one. 391 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:12,379 "Mr. Prickly." 392 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,314 Naming a cactus-- 393 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:17,250 That's the stupidest damn thing I've ever heard of in all my life. 394 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,819 Says Mrs. Prickly.