1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,537 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,674 Can I lick the envelope when you're done? 3 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,110 I like knowin' my spit's goin' all the way to France. 4 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:11,445 The furthest my spit's ever gone before... 5 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,148 is wherever that hippie who asked us for directions was goin'. 6 00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,384 Just remember. Up and down, not side to side. 7 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,386 You don't want to cut yourself again. 8 00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:21,755 [ Earl Narrating ] I don't normally write letters, much less to foreign countries, 9 00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:25,559 but I'm doin' number 44 on my list-- picked on a French kid. 10 00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,562 He was an exchange student from France who went to my school. 11 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,998 His name was Pierre, and he was kinda different. 12 00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:33,234 That's the kind of kid I liked to pick on. 13 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:37,138 Good morning, class. This is our exchange student, Pierre. 14 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,407 Welcome to America, commie. 15 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:42,243 [ All Laughing ] Pourquoi? 16 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:46,680 And pickin' on someone was always the one thing in school I could concentrate on. 17 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:49,817 - [ All Laughing ] - [ Bell Rings ] 18 00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,890 But, like my grandmother's French poodle, 19 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,726 eventually that little bitch bit back. 20 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,828 Time's up. Trade quizzes with your neighbor. 21 00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:05,233 Number one, the answer is 47. 22 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,168 Earl Hickey has it wrong. 23 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,670 What are you doing? Grading your quiz. 24 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:12,039 Cut it out. In America, we don't grade 'em out loud. 25 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,941 Answer two is 12. 26 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:17,978 Earl Hickey wrote five. Plus there is a booger on the page. 27 00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:21,482 He put it there! It's a French booger. 28 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:25,085 [ Earl Narrating ] I think it's funny when people look stupid, except when that person is me. 29 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:26,987 This school wasn't big enough for the two of us, 30 00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:30,758 so I decided to let Pierre know that his choices were go home or die. 31 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,960 Go back to where you came from, you stupid jerk! 32 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,495 [ Earl Narrating ] It worked. 33 00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:38,499 Pierre left the school, the country and never came back. 34 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,701 So I sent Pierre a plane ticket... 35 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,204 and a letter askin' him to give America another try. 36 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:48,709 I also put in a picture of myself so he'd remember who I was. 37 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:53,314 I can't wait for you to give Willie the mailman your envelope. 38 00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:56,450 When he sees he's gotta go all the way to France, he's gonna be pissed. 39 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,786 [ Earl Narrating ] Two weeks later, 40 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,922 me and Randy both got something exciting in the mail. 41 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:04,392 Pierre's comin' to visit, Randy. 42 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,494 And I got my Rainbow Sugar Bits night-light. 43 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,363 Catalina's gonna like this. 44 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:11,765 She loves rainbows, and it smells like fake fruit cereal. 45 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,403 And chicken. 46 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,471 Oh, it's just my hand. 47 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:20,708 [ Earl Narrating ] The reason Randy was hopin' Catalina would like the night-light... 48 00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:23,344 was 'cause their relationship had changed in a major way. 49 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:28,216 After Catalina got deported, Randy married her so she could get back in the country. 50 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:31,652 Then they got an apartment, in case Immigration checked up on 'em. 51 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:36,424 And today was movin' day. Only Randy wasn't sure if he was actually movin'. 52 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,126 Hey, Earl. You think she wants me to sleep there, 53 00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,662 or am I supposed to just leave my stuff? 54 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,232 Only one person knows the answer to that. 55 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:47,368 ** [ Chorus Vocalizing ] God. 56 00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:50,704 Maybe. And also Catalina. 57 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,640 Oh. 58 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:57,311 Randy wanted to ask her, but every time he started thinkin' about sleepin' at Catalina's, 59 00:02:57,378 --> 00:03:00,113 he started thinkin' about sleepin' with Catalina. 60 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,182 Hey, Catalina, um-- 61 00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,819 And thinkin' about that made him giggle. 62 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,391 Do-- Uh-- [ Wheezing Laugh ] 63 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,963 Uh, would-- 64 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,899 [ Wheezing Laugh ] 65 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,975 I didn't ask her. 66 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,744 [ Earl Narrating ] Sometimes bein' an American means goin' all out... 67 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,314 to say you're sorry to a foreigner you strangled. 68 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,349 I didn't know what the French flag looked like, 69 00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,385 so I just drew that boot shape to represent France. 70 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,753 Actually, Italy is the one shaped like a boot. 71 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,089 Really? What's France shaped like? 72 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,091 It's just an amorphous country shape. 73 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,126 Yeah, I don't think I can draw that. 74 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,962 But I think Italy's near France, so I'll just go with the boot. 75 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,765 Why the hell are you makin' somethin' up to a French guy anyway? 76 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:54,535 I can't stand French people. 77 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,070 Dated a guy from Quebec once. He was obsessed with my feet. 78 00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,972 Your feet? Are you kiddin'? 79 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,942 You got that toe that's turned away like it's mad at the other ones. 80 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,645 That's what I'm sayin'. They probably all like feet. 81 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,847 Whole damn country's shaped like a boot. [ Bell Dings ] 82 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,849 That's Italy. 83 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,253 - Pierre? - Earl? Earl Hickey? 84 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:14,688 Pierre! 85 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,731 [ Groaning ] 86 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,766 Damn, I thought you people were afraid to fight. 87 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:28,902 Oh, a World War II joke. That's fresh. 88 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,904 Holy crap! 89 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:34,074 That head butt was so damn rad! [ Giggles ] 90 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,677 You know what? Maybe French people ain't so bad. 91 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:40,581 I mean, I love your nail tips, and I've been doin' your kind of kissin' since I was 12. 92 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,950 Now I shall bid you adieu. 93 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:47,755 - What? Wait. You-- You just got here. - And I did what I came to do. 94 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,958 So I'm catching my return flight and leaving... 95 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:55,295 before anything more than the soles of my shoes touches your pee-hole of a country. 96 00:04:55,363 --> 00:05:00,100 - What'd he just say? - It's okay, Joy. He-- He just had a long plane ride. 97 00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,370 Plus, I strangled him. 98 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,473 Which I'm sorry for, Pierre. Uh, and I want to make it up to you. 99 00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:10,077 So just stay a few days, and I'll show you what's great about America. 100 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:14,314 I would rather eat the foie gras of a substandard goose. 101 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,417 I have a taxi waiting. 102 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,986 Wait. Pierre. 103 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:23,123 Sorry about your purse. This is Louis Vuitton. 104 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:26,694 Shh! This isn't the kind of bar you want people to know you name your purse. 105 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:30,798 In France, you would be in a zoo. 106 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,968 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew Pierre would be back. 107 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,771 Not because what I said convinced him to give America another try, 108 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:41,409 but 'cause I had temporarily stolen his wallet and passport. 109 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:51,118 Zut alors! 110 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,053 Hey. Change your mind? 111 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,323 No. My wallet and passport are missing. You check your purse? 112 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,659 You son of a bitch. It's a satchel. 113 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:03,030 Look, I know this didn't go how either of us planned, 114 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:06,700 but, hey, maybe this is karma saying you should give America another chance. 115 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,436 One of the cool things about us... 116 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:11,739 is that we like to take in foreigners and help 'em when they're down. 117 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,141 [ Scoffs ] Yeah, right. Give me one example. 118 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,677 You ever see E.T.? 119 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:21,114 Oh. You mean that movie where your government kidnapped an innocent alien... 120 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,850 and almost tortured him to death? 121 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,419 Oh, and then when he escaped, they chased him with guns, 122 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,821 forcing him to flee America and fly back home? 123 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,260 You ever see the movie Moscow on the Hudson? 124 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:37,097 - [ Stammers ] - Since replacing a passport and credit cards takes a while, 125 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:40,634 Pierre had no choice but to be my guest in America. 126 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:43,604 So I got him a motel room right next door to mine. 127 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:50,143 So. I am guessing there is no 24-hour concierge? 128 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:53,113 Uh, if "concierge" is a fancy word for "hooker," 129 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,382 they'll be around as soon as the methadone clinic closes. 130 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:56,750 Uh, I don't-- 131 00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:01,088 Now, I'd like to present to you a very special gift, 132 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:05,893 a token from me to you of friendship and supernational understanding. 133 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:08,962 It's a Statue of Liberty bobblehead. 134 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,164 I know, stupid. It came from France. 135 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,702 It says here it came from China. 136 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:18,105 No, the original. It was a gift for humiliating England. 137 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,907 And what did you do with it? 138 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:22,309 You floated it in the sewage from New Jersey... 139 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:27,581 and allowed millions of obnoxious tourists to drop gum and snow cones in her bosom. 140 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:30,551 [ Earl Narrating ] I never knew the Statue of Liberty was a woman. 141 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,853 I had a lot of questions about America for Pierre, 142 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,988 but I wanted to be the expert, 143 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:38,425 so I kept my mouth shut and just showed him the stuff I did know. 144 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:42,696 And there was a lot stuff right here in Camden that made America great. Like the gravel pile. 145 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,165 Pretty cool, huh? Sometimes we throw pennies in there, 146 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,968 and then when they make a new road, we go lookin' for 'em. 147 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:51,705 - Haven't found any yet. - * You got that right * 148 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,807 * Sure * Let's see some other stuff. 149 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,009 * Got that right ** 150 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:59,212 [ Earl Narrating ] I took him to see Camden County's largest freeway pileup. 151 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:02,049 Now, imagine this spread out a mile along the freeway. 152 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,017 It made the Guinness Book of World Records. 153 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,722 Okay, that's a lie, but it's probably in a book somewhere. 154 00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,292 [ Earl Narrating ] He was hard to please. 155 00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:15,596 He wasn't even impressed by some of Camden's most beautiful sights. 156 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,567 It's like takin' a trip around the world, huh? 157 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:23,637 You see all the Jesuses? When you walk by the black one, he winks. 158 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,239 [ Earl Narrating ] I had shown Pierre a ton of gravel, 159 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:30,077 smashed cars and fancy art, and I didn't know how to top it. 160 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,846 So I needed help from some people who loved America. 161 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:35,916 And on Friday night, the Crab Shack's crawlin' with 'em. 162 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:38,351 How can you not like this country? It's got everything you want. 163 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:41,221 Except for a big-ass fence on the border. We're workin' on that too. 164 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,957 In America, you can get a hamburger as big as your head... 165 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,026 and a marshmallow as small as your pinky toe. 166 00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:49,396 We got baseball, roller coasters... 167 00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:54,602 and a system of jurisprudence based on Jeffersonian democracy and not the Napoleonic Code. 168 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,737 That little dude was wack. 169 00:08:56,804 --> 00:09:00,340 Racial harmony. Pursuit of happiness. Seinfeld. 170 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,876 Green Day, Northern Lights, 171 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,746 Maui Wowie, Mendocino Greeno, 172 00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:08,682 Carolina Sugar-Bud, government medicinal. 173 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,718 It's not bad for legal weed. 174 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:14,922 Big-ass malls. Santa Claus. Kid leashes. 175 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,925 Pac-Man. Donkey Kong. Dig Dug. 176 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:21,261 Mrs. Pac-Man. Frogger. Mrs. Frogger. 177 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:24,364 We don't have that one yet, but I'm sure the scientists are workin' on it. 178 00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,566 Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. 179 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,602 Rose Bowl Parade. 180 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:31,404 Homo Pride Parade. 181 00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:33,774 All the wars we've won. Revolutionary. 182 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:36,810 Spanish-American. 1812. 183 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:40,047 We won that war 18 to 12? That was a close one. 184 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:43,717 - Women shave their armpits. - We play football the right way. 185 00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:46,219 - Lance Armstrong. - Ah! 186 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:50,057 [ Speaking French ] 187 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,733 Vive la France! 188 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,103 [ Earl Narrating ] I was about to give up on changing Pierre's mind about America. 189 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,706 Then I realized maybe there was a better person for the job. 190 00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:08,108 But America's such a great country. 191 00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,410 Everywhere you look, there's toilet paper. 192 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,479 Some of it even has lotion in it. 193 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:17,350 Mmm. It takes a lovely woman like you to make such a horrible place sound... 194 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,819 so wonderful. 195 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,221 It is wonderful. 196 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:24,024 America is the land of the free and the home of the slaves. 197 00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:27,127 Oh, Catalina, you have that, um-- [ French ] 198 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:30,163 How do you say? Je ne sais quoi. 199 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:37,938 Isn't this great? Americans and foreigners sittin' around, havin' fun together. 200 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:41,341 It's true what they say. America really is a melting pot. 201 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:45,412 ** [ Jukebox: Rock ] 202 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,549 Earl. Earl. Earl! Earl! What, Randy? 203 00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:52,185 The French dude likes Catalina. I know. It's great, isn't it? 204 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:54,387 It's the first time he smiled since he got here. 205 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,590 He wouldn't even smile at Gigglebelly. Who's not gonna laugh at this? 206 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,793 Hey. [ Chuckles ] I'm a baby. 207 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:03,030 Watch me suck my thumb. Hey! 208 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,500 You neither? Maybe I'm drawin' him wrong. 209 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,704 This is important, Earl. He's hittin' on her, and I think she likes it. 210 00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:13,907 - Randy, you're overreactin'. - He's making eyes at her, Earl. 211 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,009 Just like that French skunk does with the girl cat, 212 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,345 only this time the girl cat's not tryin' to get away. 213 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,213 Just relax and trust me. 214 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,449 Or you'll get a kiss. [ Kissing ] 215 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,185 Shut up, Gigglebelly. 216 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:30,090 And that is why they call it the City of Light. 217 00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,893 Wow. Paris sounds so beautiful. 218 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,262 It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. 219 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,230 Until now. Really? 220 00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,666 Camden's prettier? 221 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:42,602 You are so modest. I love that about you. 222 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:44,471 Excuse me a moment. 223 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,614 Wow. He's goin' to the bathroom. That's disgusting. 224 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,784 I like him. I think he's kind of sweet. 225 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,225 Go back to where you came from, you stupid jerk! 226 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:06,794 Catalina's mine! 227 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,233 [ Coughing ] 228 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:16,203 Pierre, what happened? Your brother squished my throat! 229 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,471 Damn it, Randy. 230 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:24,744 - What the hell'd you do, Randy? - I strangled him a little. 231 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,447 - You're screwin' up my list. - He was makin' a move on Catalina. 232 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,616 Well, so what if he was. Huh? 233 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,786 Look, there's always gonna be guys who want to ask your wife out. She's hot. 234 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,655 Besides, she isn't your real wife. She doesn't even know you love her. 235 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,491 I'll tell her when the time is right. When's that gonna be, Randy? 236 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,961 You keep draggin' this thing out, and you're drivin' me crazy. 237 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:44,898 If you're not man enough to talk to Catalina, all you deserve is a green card marriage. 238 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,666 Stop it! Green card marriage. 239 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:49,236 Stop it! I'm warning you! Green card marriage. Green card marriage. 240 00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:52,439 - Stop it, Earl! - [ Groans ] Gross, Randy! 241 00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:55,775 It's got a hair on it! Randy, what are you doin'? Stop sayin' what you're sayin'! 242 00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,245 I'm only sayin' it 'cause you know I'm right. 243 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,580 Leave me alone! 244 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,883 Stay outta my life. 245 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:07,087 Fine. But nothing's gonna change until you grow a pair and finally tell Catalina. 246 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,656 Grow a pair of what and tell me what? 247 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,559 Nads. And I-I-- 248 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,028 I, uh, 249 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:17,430 been wantin' to say somethin' to you... 250 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:21,601 ever since I saw you and-- and called dibs. 251 00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:26,006 I think you're the most beautiful, sweetest girl I ever met, 252 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:28,909 and I want to squash bugs for you... 253 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:31,278 and pick you up over puddles... 254 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,881 and be your real husband because I love you. 255 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:37,050 I love you too, Randy. 256 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,153 [ All ] Aw. 257 00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:54,301 Earl! Earl! 258 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,403 What am I gonna do? Randy thinks I love him. 259 00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:59,606 That's what happens when you tell a man you love him. What else could I do? 260 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,142 I didn't want to humiliate him in front of all those people. 261 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,311 I gotta go talk to Pierre before he gets on a plane. 262 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,279 Just find a way to let Randy down easy. 263 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,782 Be honest, and he'll understand. 264 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:13,220 And when you talk to him, if one of your breasts accidentally falls out of your shirt, 265 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,923 wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. 266 00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:24,664 Pierre? 267 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,766 Pierre? Go away! 268 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:29,369 I have an attack dog in here. Woof, woof! 269 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,471 Down, boy! Woof! 270 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,573 [ Earl Narrating ] Pierre wouldn't answer when I knocked, 271 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,010 so I spent all night tryin' to get his attention through a bullet hole in the wall. 272 00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:40,880 Pierre, I know you don't want to talk, but you're my guest, so I have to give you breakfast. 273 00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:43,316 I hope you like Rainbow Sugar Bits. 274 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,584 Earl. 275 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,221 I'm givin' breakfast to the French guy. 276 00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:52,492 - Hey. Can I borrow your master key to break into his room? - Anytime. Guess what. 277 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:56,096 Last night, Joy told me how to solve my problem with Randy. 278 00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:03,036 You don't really love that doofus, do you? 279 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,972 No. I just didn't want to hurt him. 280 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:09,876 I hear ya. Listen, nobody is more sensitive to hurtin' people's feelings than me. 281 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:12,145 Tell you what you need to do. 282 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,981 You need to have sex with him. 283 00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:18,251 Mmm. This feels like the time you told me the public pool was topless. 284 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:21,921 I forgot about that. My boys still ask about you. 285 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:25,058 No, this is serious. Once I had to break up with this dude from Quebec, 286 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,295 but I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he was assistant manager at Sam Goody, 287 00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:30,763 and I was gettin' all kinds of free cassettes. 288 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:34,301 So I slept with him. Only I made sure I was terrible so he'd never want to again. 289 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,436 You slept with a guy for free cassettes? 290 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,739 Just once. It was before CDs. Don't you judge me. 291 00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:43,710 What you need to do is get yourself all stinky, smelly and nasty. 292 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:47,614 Don't shower, don't shave. Let that mustache grow out a little. 293 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,317 If you're bad enough, he'll never want to have sex with you again, 294 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,419 and you can just go back to being friends. 295 00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,254 Thanks, Joy. 296 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,289 That might actually work. 297 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:59,492 Wait a second. How old were you? 298 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:03,730 CDs came out in 198-- Okay, I said don't judge me. 299 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:06,766 By tomorrow, he may not want to have sex with me ever again. 300 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:10,137 He may not want to have sex with anyone ever again, but that is not my problem. 301 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,472 Well, good luck with that. 302 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,441 [ Wheezing Laugh ] 303 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,977 Hey, Earl, guess what. [ Wheezing Laugh ] 304 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,881 I know, Randy. I know. 305 00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,451 [ Wheezing Laugh ] 306 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,160 Oh, good. You're eatin'. 307 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,962 Look, I just want to apologize for what my brother did. 308 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,631 - It's a long story, and-- - He ruined it. 309 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:42,135 I was going to get the girl with my sexy accent. That never works at home. 310 00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,104 Wait, you don't talk like that at home? 311 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,539 Everybody talks like this at home. 312 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,775 That is why we come here-- to get that edge. 313 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,612 But that edge is worthless if someone is always going to be blocking the rooster. 314 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,183 I don't think you translated that right. 315 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:58,451 It's always the same with you Hickeys. 316 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,521 Every time I get close to the romance, you screw it up. 317 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,423 Just like when we were in school. 318 00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,458 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out while I was hatin' Pierre, 319 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,427 the girls in the class were lovin' him. [ Giggling ] 320 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:12,399 You are so funny, Pierre. When you held up Earl's quiz, he looked like he was going to cry. 321 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:16,736 And the best part is it was my booger. 322 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:21,508 I am going to the lavatory, and when I come back, I will judge the kissing contest. 323 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:24,177 [ Earl Narrating ] He never got to judge that contest, 'cause... 324 00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:26,313 when he went into the bathroom, I strangled him. 325 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,449 No wonder none of the stuff I did made you smile. 326 00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:32,852 You didn't come here to learn about America. You came for the girls. 327 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:38,391 Yes, of course. First I was going to kiss the redhead. Then I was going to kiss the blonde. 328 00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:41,894 Then I was going to make the redhead kiss the blonde. Ah! 329 00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:43,763 I had it all planned out. 330 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,166 [ Earl Narrating ] Then it hit me like a head butt. 331 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,000 I knew how to cross Pierre off my list. 332 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,538 Pucker up, my French buddy. We're gonna find those girls. 333 00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,273 Huh? 334 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:57,977 So the next day, we went out to find the four girls he didn't get to kiss. 335 00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:00,213 And Pierre was right about one thing. 336 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,415 That accent cut right through all the small talk. 337 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,423 Findin' the girls wasn't nearly as hard as I thought. 338 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:17,630 It was a beautiful thing watchin' Pierre's French accent blend with our native tongue. 339 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,203 There was one girl from class we couldn't find. 340 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,838 Fortunately, she had a real friendly sister. 341 00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:33,112 Since the first four went so well, 342 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:36,416 Pierre decided to tell me about a fifth girl he had a crush on. 343 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,585 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 344 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,722 And I knew right where to find her. 345 00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:50,630 I learned somethin' that day. Whether you speak French, American... 346 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:53,933 or that crazy clickin' sound they make in the jungle somewhere, 347 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,704 there's one language that everybody can speak: the language of love. 348 00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,674 You know what, Pierre? I was a little iffy on you, but I was wrong. 349 00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:04,511 You're a good guy. I feel like I made a friend. 350 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,880 Me too. I was wrong about America. 351 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:10,250 When I was young, I dreamt it was a wonderful place, 352 00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:12,652 and you made that dream come true. 353 00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:17,023 Well, come back sometime, and maybe I'll help you get to second base. 354 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:20,593 Oh, but of course. I will come back the next time I need a break... 355 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:24,331 from my stupid wife and kids. What? 356 00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:28,335 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was tryin' to figure out if I needed to put Pierre's wife on my list, 357 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:31,371 Randy's wife was puttin' stuff on her armpits. 358 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,942 In fact, she was doin' anything she could... 359 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,711 to make sure she gave Randy the worst night of his life. 360 00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,614 * Love stinks * 361 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,183 - * Yeah, yeah * - * Love stinks * 362 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,753 * Love stinks * 363 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,621 * Yeah, yeah * 364 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,924 - * Love stinks * - * Love stinks * 365 00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:55,161 - * Yeah, yeah * - * Love stinks * 366 00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:58,865 * Love stinks Yeah, yeah ** 367 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,967 [ Randy ] Catalina? 368 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:06,273 I'm ready to, uh-- 369 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,676 - Catalina? - Climb in bed, Randy, 370 00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:13,813 and make love to me the way your father does to your mother. 371 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:22,154 [ Earl Narrating ] That night, Randy learned that two hours of torture... 372 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,324 could wipe out almost two years of love. 373 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,225 [ Randy ] Ow, ow, ow! That's sharp! 374 00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:29,496 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy's advice to Catalina worked perfectly. 375 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,599 But there was one thing Catalina hadn't planned on. 376 00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,734 Oh. 377 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,669 That was amazing. 378 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,606 Randy, where are you going? 379 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:43,476 I have to, uh-- to-- to the motel. 380 00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,078 Please don't go, Randy. That was the best sex I ever had. 381 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,114 You were so sweet and so caring. 382 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,249 I felt so loved. 383 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:52,719 Really? 'Cause I was just tryin' not to barf. 384 00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:54,587 I know. I-- 385 00:20:54,654 --> 00:20:58,157 I smell like fish, cheese and onions, but that was on purpose. I could wash it off. 386 00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:01,361 You can't wash off the fact that you pretended to be my mother. 387 00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,266 I'll never be able to shake that. 388 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:11,771 I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings or lose you as a friend, 389 00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:14,341 but this is just a green card marriage. 390 00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:17,844 Randy, come back. You were amazing. 391 00:21:17,910 --> 00:21:21,514 Please don't go, Randy. Randy, please. You were amazing. 392 00:21:21,581 --> 00:21:23,783 Randy, please! Don't go!