My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Havin' a baby can be very hard on a woman.
And because of that, it can be hard on the man too.
Darnell, you are gonna have to pick the kids up from school.
Baby, I'm tryin' to pick all the broken lightbulb out of the gumbo.
- Why can't you do it? - I am growin' a human being in my body cell by cell.
I need my rest, Darnell. My stomach could be buildin' its brain today. You don't know.
[ Earl Narrating ] Watching Joy being pregnant...
reminded me of somethin' I should've done a long time ago--
finish makin' a lamp I started in eighth grade industrial arts class.
I don't remember which wire I'm supposed to hook to the yellow wire.
Come on, Earl. Hurry up. I need to plug the TV back into the electricity holes.
Cannonball Run 2 is startin' on Channel 5.
And you know if I miss the beginning, I get lost in the story.
The teacher had some sort of rhyme.
Red you're dead.
Maybe "bluey" goes "kapluey."
Earl, we're runnin' out of time.
Fine. I'll just guess.
Here goes nothin'.
I guess it's all right.
Wait a second. I think this is last month's TV Guide.
[ Electricity Crackling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] So what does Joy bein' pregnant have to do with me finishin' this lamp?
Well, that's a long story.
Now, most people already know me and Joy met...
and got married under unusual circumstances.
I was drunk, and she was pregnant with someone else's child.
But I loved her nonetheless.
I can't say my new wife and my parents hit it off right away,
but Joy wasn't the first thing I did my parents didn't approve of.
So, who is the father?
Oh, I didn't get a name. You know how crazy concerts are.
I'm gonna go lay down.
[ Earl Narrating ] A few months later, Joy had the baby,
and other than my parents not volunteering to babysit, things were workin' great.
Gettin' near the road again. [ Baby Muttering ]
- ** [ Music Box ] - [ Horn Honking ]
We were the all-American family.
[ Baby Crying ] Then, out of nowhere, the baby started cryin'.
He cried all day.
[ Crying Continues ]
Then he cried all night.
No matter how much two people love each other,
the stresses of parenthood can put a strain on any relationship.
- Walk him. - Crabman just brought my crab parts.
- Walk him! - [ Baby Continues Crying ]
I swear to God if that thing doesn't stop cryin',
I'm gonna put him in a gunnysack and smack him up against the side of a barn.
** [ Country On Jukebox ] I'm just blowin' off steam.
If you tell the cops I said that,
I swear to God I'll tie you up behind my car and do doughnuts in the mall parking lot.
[ Earl Narrating ] And it wasn't just Joy.
I was takin' my "stressiness" out on her too.
- We're out of antifreeze! - What?
- We're out of antifreeze! - How do you forget to put in the antifreeze?
How do I forget to put in antifreeze?
How do you forget to put a damn diaphragm in before you go to a Ronnie James Dio concert?
[ Earl Narrating ] Things were bad.
So, like a lot of married people do when they're going through a rough patch,
we "seeked" counseling.
Raising a child is hard, and I'm sure that everybody in this audience would agree.
The important thing is that you gotta take breaks every now and then for yourself.
I mean, one person should watch the baby and give the other person...
a little opportunity for some personal time.
Me first. ** [ Hip-hop ]
[ Earl Narrating ] So, on Montel's advice,
Joy went out for a little Joy time.
** [ Muttering ]
What Montel failed to mention...
is that when your wife is four margaritas deep into her alone time--
* Check baby, check baby One, two, three, four *
* Check baby, check baby One, two, three *
all that fightin' she's been doin' with her husband...
may send her straight into the arms of another man.
And just like that, Joy found the solution to her marital problems--
adultery.
And over the next few months, Joy and Darnell started to get real close.
[ Earl ] Hello! Happy Thanksgiving!
[ Whispering ] Get in the closet.
What are you doin' in bed?
Waitin' for you to get home to give me my Thanksgiving stuffing.
Really? All right. It's been a while.
I'll try not to touch you too much. My hands are cold.
They smell like turkey.
[ Earl Narrating ] Of course, now I kick myself for not seein' the signs,
but sometimes the truth is hardest to see when it's right in front of you.
Whoa, check out this long black hair.
Man, I wish I would've seen this when it was still on me.
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy and Darnell were fallin' in love.
But no matter how much two people love each other,
the stresses of adultery can put strain on any relationship.
I don't like having sex in the walk-in freezer.
It's cold in there, but we still get sweaty.
Last time, my balls got stuck to a keg of beer. All right, fine.
We'll wait till this place closes, and you can do me on the pinball machine...
like in that porno Jodie Foster did.
- How come it's always just sex with us? - Oh, here we go again!
I just wish we could go to the movies like a normal couple.
Click your heels three times, Dorothy, and a house full of midgets will fall on my husband.
The midgets didn't live in the house. Dorothy did.
Excuse me. I didn't realize I was screwin' Encyclopedia Brown.
[ Earl Narrating ] What Darnell was about to learn...
was just how me and Joy arguin' sent her running to him,
and him and her arguin' was gonna send her right back to me.
Take me to bed or lose me forever.
Really? All right. Been a while.
I'll try not to touch you too much. My hands are hot, and they smell like poop.
[ Earl Narrating ] Then, just like that,
we were the all-American family again.
He's back on the fence.
[ Thud ] Sorry, buddy.
We'll put a mattress there tomorrow.
Don't worry. Those Huggies are padded.
[ Earl Narrating ] Yep, me and Joy had a little bump in the road,
but we were back on track; life was good.
Oh, Randy, I've been meaning to show you this. Check out what I found in my bed the other day.
Wow! You win.
[ Earl Narrating ] And then I got the news that would change my life forever.
We're gonna have a baby?
Oh, my God! I'm havin' a baby! My own baby! I'm havin' my own baby!
No offense, buddy. I'm havin' my own baby! My own baby!
I'm gonna go steal some cigars.
[ Earl Narrating ] And like my high school health teacher said,
nothin' fixes a relationship like havin' a baby.
Me and Joy were thrilled.
But then Joy started doin' a little math...
and realized that the chances of the kid bein' mine were about, well, 50-50.
Oh, snap.
[ Earl Narrating ] Four months into Joy's pregnancy...
they told us they could use TV X-ray sound to tell us what kind of baby we were havin'.
Congratulations, folks. It's a boy.
A boy? We're gonna have a boy!
Earl Junior! I'm gonna have a son-- my own son!
Again, no offense, buddy.
I'm gonna go steal a baseball mitt for my son.
[ Babbles ]
Now if I move the wand over, you can count your son's little toes.
I don't care if he's got flippers and a beak.
Just push a little harder on that gadget and see if you can tell me what color he is.
[ Grunts ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out I wasn't the only one happy to see the Hickey bloodline live on.
[ Knocking ] There's my boy!
- [ Kay Squeals ] - And there's my daughter-in-law.
How you doin', you little baby-makin' machine?
I got hemorrhoids.
Oh, you poor thing. Oh, I had those so bad with Randy.
I thought his foot was comin' out the back door. [ Chuckles ]
Look at this. Look what I found. My granddaddy's rattle.
I played with it. You and Randy played with it.
I've been holding onto it, hopin' that one day I'd have a grandson I could give it to.
No offense, buddy.
[ Rattling ] Hear that?
That's Indian teeth.
[ Earl Narrating ] Before we knew it, the big day was here.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Baby Crying ]
Joy? Yeah, sweetie?
Earl Junior's-- Earl Junior's a little dark.
[ Crying Continues ]
Maybe the cord was wrapped around his neck. Sometimes they get a little blue.
No, no. He's-- He's darker than blue.
He's-- He's black.
Oh, my God. I have read about this.
This can happen when a man has a repressed black genie in his body.
I bet your great-great-great-grandmother snuck out to the barn...
and let a slave get in a few licks of his own, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Excuse me! Oh, it's all right. I can say that.
I just had a black baby.
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't know what my great-great-great- grandmother was into sexually,
but my mind was tellin' me to have doubts about Joy's theory,
so I consulted a professional.
Uh, 'cause we're both white, so I don't know-- Is this really possible?
I mean, as a doctor, what do you think happened here?
Sir, nine months ago your wife cheated on you with a black fellow.
[ Phone Ringing ] [ Earl Narrating ] It turned out my mind was right.
And as soon as the doctor confirmed what I feared was true,
my mind must've told my eyes, because they took the news pretty hard.
[ Claps Hands ] Congratulations, daddy!
[ Squeals ] Oh, emotional day, isn't it?
Which one is he? Where is my grandson?
Uh, he's, uh-- Well, let's see. Uh, where is he?
Here he is. Yep. That's him right there-- the white one.
Oh, look at him. Whoo-hoo.
It's like God took a cherub from heaven and stamped your face on it, Carl.
You've done it, Earl. You've kept the Hickey name alive.
[ Laughs ] That's my boy. Hi.
[ Laughing, Muttering ]
Who's that?
That... is the woman who's sharing a room with Joy.
Yeah, she loves Earl Junior. It's crazy.
She just had her own child, but she can't keep her hands off Earl Junior.
[ Laughs ]
That's a little out of line.
It's the black one, isn't it? Yeah.
Apparently, I'm not the father of this kid either.
Well, this was fun while it lasted.
I want my Indian teeth rattle back.
[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]
I'll wash our shirts and give 'em to Joy.
I suppose that she can give 'em to her parents...
after she fills in the little baby face with a Sharpie.
[ Sobbing ]
At least the first "igellitimate" child was the same color as me.
We could all walk through the mall together and pass for a family.
Now everyone's gonna stare. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.
But people like clowns. Hey, wait a sec.
If we all painted our faces like clowns all the time,
no one would ever know Earl Junior wasn't yours.
Can we? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
Randy, we're not paintin' our faces like clowns.
People will still stare. And if it rained, we'd be screwed.
Nope, there's only one thing to do.
I'm gonna go to the trailer and get all our stuff.
I'm not gonna raise somebody else's kids anymore.
If she wants a father for those kids, she's gonna go and have to find the real ones.
Hey, Earl.
What's up with Earl? I said, "Hey, Earl," and he didn't say, "Hey, Crabman."
Joy had her baby, and it came out black.
Huh?
Yeah. For a second there, we were all gonna get to dress up like clowns,
but that didn't work out the way I'd hoped.
Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Wow. Does Earl know who the real father is?
No. But he's pretty mad. He went to get all our stuff. We're leavin' her.
Leaving? What about Joy and the kids? Who's gonna take care of them?
Earl said their real daddy can. What if the real daddy can't?
What if things are complicated with the real daddy right now?
What if Joy doesn't seem to love the real daddy anymore,
and the real daddy's fiscal instability, volatile living conditions...
and possible secret identity doesn't lend itself...
to creating an environment that's conducive to raising a child right now?
Are all those words English, or are you making 'em up?
'Cause I made up a word last week-- "farnicerous."
I don't know what it means yet.
[ Earl Narrating ] So, while Joy was still in the hospital,
I packed up all the good stuff and headed out.
All right. I put Bengay in all her bra cups.
Good. Did you do what I asked you to do with her toothbrush?
Yeah. I gotta say it's not very comfortable.
Randy, you're supposed to put it back.
Ohhh. Okay.
[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Since we didn't have any money...
and none of our friends would let us stay with 'em,
there was only one place we could go--
back to Mom and Dad's.
It's so exciting. My boys are back.
Your room is exactly the way you left it.
Merlin. We meet again.
I've been practicing my tic-tac-toe for just this day, my friend.
You still have my gerbils? [ Squeaking ]
And then some.
Whoa! Which two are Lenny and Squiggy?
Who knows? After you moved out,
Lenny started humpin' Squiggy, and they've been multiplyin' ever since.
That's funny. Lenny humpin' Squiggy. [ Beeping ]
Did you know they were gay gerbils when you named 'em?
[ Earl Narrating ] Learning Squiggy had been violated by Lenny was a shock,
but bein' in my old room and seein' my old pets was nice.
At least I was still kind of a father to somethin'. [ Tapping Glass ]
[ Boy On TV ] Go on. Go on. Go on! What are you doin' here?
We moved back in. Mom said it was cool.
No. No, it's not cool. Kay?
Her and Randy went to go pick up a bucket of chicken.
She said she was gonna get all white meat to make me feel better about my situation.
You can't just move back in. We don't have the room.
Where are your kids gonna sleep?
I don't have any kids. Well, where's your wife?
Still at the hospital, probably startin' to figure out I left her cheatin' ass.
That or she's bangin' an Asian doctor, tryin' to get one of everything.
Okay.
I see.
Son, I know you're upset because he's not your kid.
I was upset he wasn't my grandson.
And you've got every right to get mad.
So stay here for a couple hours, get drunk, punch a bunch of pillows--
Your mom's got 18 of the damn things on the bed. Take your pick.
But then you gotta do the right thing. You gotta go back.
[ Laughs ] Yeah, right.
Earl, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna let you walk away from this...
like I've let you walk away from everything else in your life.
I'm not gonna do it anymore. When you were growing up,
it was always easier to let you quit stuff...
and not force you to stick with it.
Piano lessons, baseball.
You brought home that damn lamp you were supposed to make...
in eighth grade industrial arts class, and it doesn't even have a cord in it.
It's a stump with a shade.
Dad, you know I'm scared of electricity.
As your father, I should've made you finish it, but I didn't.
I got three generations of gerbils in there because I let you walk away from 'em.
I messed up. I'm not gonna let that happen again.
And these aren't gerbils you're walkin' away from this time.
They're people-- people who need you.
Look, I-I know it's not gonna be easy.
But I promise if you go back, eventually you'll realize it's the right thing to do.
Nope.
Excuse me?
- I'm not doin' it. - Yes, you are!
- Says who? - Says me!
I'm doing what I should've done a long time ago and forcing you to stick with something.
Now go take care of your family.
What happens if I don't?
I'll do something.
What? What are you gonna do, Dad? Spank me?
I'm not 17 anymore.
Okay. All right. Okay. All right.
You're right.
There's nothing I can do.
That's right. I'm a grown man.
You don't tell me what to do. Tucked-in shirts.
Dad, what the hell are you doin'?
I'm gonna kill your gerbils! Dad, give me my gerbils!
Not until you go back to your family.
Dad, this isn't funny!
I'm gonna throw 'em out the window! I'm not kidding!
Dad, cut it out. You're not gonna kill the gerbils.
I'm gonna do what I have to do to get you to stick with something for once in your life!
If that means I have to smash a few gerbils, then I'm gonna smash a few gerbils.
Fine. Throw a gerbil. I dare you.
See? I knew you wouldn't.
- Son of a bitch! - [ Gerbil Squeaking ]
Dad, what the hell are you doin'?
- You gonna go take care of your family? - She cheated on me!
Sorry, buddy. She cheated on him.
Oh, my God. [ Grunts ]
[ Tires Screech ] Oh, dear.
[ Gerbil Squeaking ]
[ Grunting ]
Your father's blood sugar must be low again. Carl, eat an orange!
- Eat an orange! - [ Groans ]
Dad! Okay. Okay, I'll do it. I'll go back.
Just stop throwin' the gerbils. My hands are full, and they pee when they're scared.
- You promise you'll go back? - I'll go back.
Good. I'm gonna hold onto Squiggy...
in case you change your mind.
- [ Car Door Closes ] - I wanna play! Dad, hit me! I'm open!
[ Earl Narrating ] So I went back to my cheatin' wife and two "igellitimate" kids.
What can I say? Love those damn gerbils.
And even though I stayed married for possibly the craziest reason anyone has ever stayed married,
it didn't take me long to realize what my dad was talkin' about.
* Together we learn to read and write *
* A child is black *
* A child is white * These people did need me.
* The whole world looks upon the sight *
I wasn't the best dad, but at least I was a dad.
* A beautiful sight *
Earl Junior's real dad hadn't forgotten about him either.
And eventually Joy fell back into the arms of Darnell...
'cause, well, that's where her heart wanted to be.
** [ Continues ]
And when Darnell was finally ready to be a husband and a father,
Joy and the kids didn't need me anymore.
But when they did need me, I was there.
It was the only good thing I ever did before I made the list.
And I owe it all to my dad for not lettin' me give up.
* Together they grow to see the light *
* To see the light * Check it out, Dad. It's got a cord.
* The world is black *
* The world is white *
* It turns by day *
* And then by night * That sure is a nice lamp your boy made, isn't it?
* A child is black A child is white *
Yeah, it sure is. * Together they grow *
* To see the light *
* To see the light **
[ Gasping, Screaming ]