1 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:10,544 Randy, what are you doin'? Grandpa tied that tie for me five years ago. 2 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,913 You know I don't know how to tie it again. 3 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:15,516 I'm sorry, Earl. I just wanted to show you what I'd look like... 4 00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,785 as a drunk guy at an '80s party. 5 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:21,522 Nice. Rock the Casbah. 6 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:24,192 Hurry up! If I'm late for the funeral, I'm gonna get in trouble. 7 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:29,530 The last girl to show up has to give the departed his final lap dance. 8 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,565 [ Earl Narrating ] There was only one man in town... 9 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:35,035 who could make people afraid of him even from beyond the grave. 10 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:40,341 And that man was Richard Chubby. During his lifetime, 11 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,343 Richard Chubby was a powerful businessman. 12 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,345 He owned everything worth owning in Camden. 13 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,714 Well, come on down! And don't forget, 14 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:50,751 sweatpants are allowed and truckers shower for free. 15 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:55,323 - And Richard Chubby liked more than just the smell of money. - Woof. 16 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:59,660 And when you combine all that money and all that power, you get a whole lot of crazy. 17 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,130 Open up. 18 00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,934 Vodka. 19 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,837 [ Earl Narrating ] And even if he didn't have a weapon in his hand, 20 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,905 his hand was still a weapon. 21 00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:15,109 It was the scariest when even Chubby didn't know what he was doin'. 22 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,945 Would you like me to freshen that drink for you? 23 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,614 I'll be damned. [ Laughs ] 24 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,616 I got the wrong gun. 25 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:26,320 [ Earl Narrating ] There was a huge crowd at Chubby's funeral, 26 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:28,622 not 'cause people loved him, but 'cause attendance... 27 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,724 was mandatory for all Chubby employees. 28 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:34,061 Even worse, the service was scheduled during their unpaid lunch break. 29 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:37,831 Damn shame. I heard Chubby was just tryin' to do vodka shots, 30 00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:40,468 picked up the wrong gun and blew his head off. 31 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,970 Poor guy. Could've happened to anybody. 32 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,906 You know, we could leave. It's not like Chubby's gonna pop out of the coffin... 33 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,875 and kill people if they walk out. 34 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:52,012 The reason we're staying is because of the new boss. They say he's even worse. 35 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:54,114 [ Horn Honking ] 36 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:59,119 [ Earl Narrating ] Catalina was right. The new boss was even worse, 37 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:03,757 because with Big Chubby gone, there was only one person to take over the family business-- 38 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,394 his son, Little Chubby. 39 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,464 My name is Earl. 40 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,703 [ Earl Narrating ] Now that Big Chubby had died, 41 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:18,639 his son was the most powerful man in Camden County. 42 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:23,043 That made me nervous, since me and him had history. 43 00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:26,314 A few years ago, Little Chubby's favorite hobby was messin' with people. 44 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,316 He messed with Randy. Hey, Randy. 45 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,318 There's a, uh, spot on your shirt. 46 00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,720 I'm not lookin' down. I'm not fallin' for that again. 47 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:35,356 Come on. Look down. It'll be a lot of laughs. 48 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:38,526 All right, fine. You win. 49 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,028 [ Chuckles ] 50 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:42,896 [ Earl Narrating ] He messed with me. 51 00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,965 Come on, Earl. Get your ear pierced, you know. 52 00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:47,000 Then we could be earring buddies. 53 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:49,703 Earrings aren't really my thing, L.C. 54 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,973 So what you're saying is you think, uh-- you think earrings look stupid. 55 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,176 No, no, no, no. That-- That's not what I'm saying. I like earrings. 56 00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,911 Yeah, I think that's what you're saying. 57 00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,180 Little Chubby? Little Chubby? 58 00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:02,616 What are you doin'? 59 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,085 [ Squealing ] 60 00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,054 Let's take a look. [ Groaning ] 61 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,623 I think you're right. It does look stupid. [ Chuckles ] 62 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,827 Oh, I think this ear means you're gay. 63 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,863 [ Earl Narrating ] He even messed with Crabman. 64 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,965 That's the, uh, Fine Young Cannibals. ** [ Rock ] 65 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:24,272 Tell you somethin'. I do not like... 66 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,808 Fine Young Cannibals. 67 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,579 [ Earl Narrating ] But the reason he ended up on my list... 68 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:34,415 was he messed with Joy when she was pregnant with Earl Junior. 69 00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:38,151 Did I ever tell you that I, uh, always had a fantasy of doin' it with a pregnant chick? 70 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,921 It's like havin' sex with a fat chick, except I can't get her pregnant. 71 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:45,459 I wouldn't have sex with you if I was starvin' and your wiener was a ham sandwich. 72 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:48,796 [ Laughing ] Ham wiener. Classic. 73 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,432 [ Laughing Continues ] 74 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,171 Ow-- Ow! 75 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,675 Yeah, while, uh, you were laughin', I accidentally cut off your rat tail. 76 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,044 So, uh, tell you what there, prude girl. 77 00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:07,581 Why don't, uh, we see if you can drink this before I cut off your hair, huh? 78 00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:10,618 [ Gasping ] How about that? 79 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,486 Hurry up. 80 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:17,257 [ Gags ] 81 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,627 He made me drink Randy's rat tail! 82 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:24,432 I would've rather drank a real rat tail. You need to kill Little Chubby... slowly. 83 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,300 Are you crazy? I'm not messin' with that psycho. 84 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:29,169 Then you should've married a whore who doesn't mind being disrespected by a man... 85 00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:31,171 instead of a real lady, like me! 86 00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,807 [ Earl Narrating ] There was no point in arguin' with Joy over Little Chubby... 87 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,743 or that "real lady" comment. [ Door Slams Shut ] 88 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:38,446 I wanted to make her happy without gettin' myself killed, 89 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:41,715 which meant I'd have to be really, really clever. 90 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,720 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 91 00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,026 [ Groans ] [ Cheering ] 92 00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,033 [ Earl Narrating ] Number 43 on my list-- 93 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,069 racked a rich guy. 94 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:07,007 Day after the funeral, I went to talk to Little Chubby to tell him what I'd done. 95 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,444 I'd expected him to do somethin' crazy, but not this. 96 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,613 Earl, I wanna thank you. 97 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:17,017 Truth is, the day you kicked me was a-- Well, it was a turning point in my life. 98 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,620 [ Earl Narrating ] Little Chubby explained that... 99 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,390 what hurt more than the stabbing pain in his baby-makers was the realization... 100 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,825 that everyone hated him. 101 00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:30,030 And even weeks later, he couldn't shake the pain. 102 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,036 And so he just kept walking. 103 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:41,875 When a rich person's upset, they can do more than just take a walk around the block. 104 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,945 They can take a walk anywhere. What's up, Aborigines? 105 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,751 And somewhere along his walk, he got the idea to be a nicer person in the world-- 106 00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:53,120 to do good deeds, like feed the hungry. 107 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:56,524 All right, you Aborigines, which one of you had, uh, Vegemite on wheat? 108 00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:00,694 The more he talked, the more I realized we had somethin' in common. 109 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,563 We were both tryin' to be better people. 110 00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:05,599 So I didn't wanna come back, but somebody had to run the family business. 111 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:09,570 But I'm not gonna do it like my dad did. It's gonna be a kinder, gentler Club Chubby from now on. 112 00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:11,705 Got a, uh, heated stripper pole for the gals. 113 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,141 Screening for hep C free of charge. 114 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,578 And, uh, I finally put a lightbulb in the V.I.P. room. 115 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,447 Can I touch the heated pole? Yeah, sure. 116 00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:22,082 Knock yourself out. [ Chuckles ] 117 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,151 Anyway, Earl, I wanna thank you for making me a better person. 118 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,254 Maybe if somebody had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, 119 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,858 he wouldn't have been such a mean guy, and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway. 120 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,026 That must've been tough, seein' your mom leave. 121 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,529 She didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. 122 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,865 Still, it was tough to watch. 123 00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:42,836 Anyways, thanks a lot. Just wanna-- Just wanna thank you, Earl. 124 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:46,874 Give me a hug. It's male intimacy. It's not just for gays anymore. 125 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,876 Come on. 126 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,891 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 127 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,560 Thank you. 128 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:10,964 I don't think I'm allowed to take phone numbers. 129 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,333 [ Earl Narrating ] Since it turned out Little Chubby was a whole new guy, 130 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,202 we started hangin' out with him again. 131 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,404 Only this time, he didn't scare the hell out of us. 132 00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:20,941 I would've got you a card, but they didn't have one that said, "Sorry I cut off your rat tail." 133 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,613 Cool! 134 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:29,216 This is way softer than my real hair. 135 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,385 [ Earl Narrating ] He even let us hang out at the mansion he inherited... 136 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,689 and live like they did on Silver Spoons. 137 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,759 Whoo! Hey, Joy. Hey, fetus. How you two doin'? 138 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:42,029 Livin' large, L.C. Man, is this thing comfortable. 139 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,732 They should make wheelchairs outta this stuff. 140 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,934 Then nobody would bitch about bein' in one. 141 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,572 I love it here. 142 00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:59,547 Man, I'm rusty. 143 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:09,557 Who was that? Oh, uh-- Well, just enjoy. 144 00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,659 Pretty nice up here, huh? 145 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:15,262 Yeah. I could get used to livin' like this again. 146 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,466 Well, I'm just happy I could share it with people, you know. 147 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,669 Friends. 148 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:28,141 [ Earl Narrating ] It was nice seein' a man who used to be so angry all the time be so happy. 149 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,343 Why don't you help yourself to some fresh fruit? 150 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,280 I think I'm gonna catch a few Z's. 151 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,954 [ Earl Narrating ] Still, I wanted to do somethin'... 152 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,156 so I could cross Little Chubby off my list. 153 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:46,860 But I couldn't figure out what since his life was so perfect. 154 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:50,564 Then I saw his freakishly damaged little chubbies, 155 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,966 and I realized he had two giant problems. 156 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:56,737 Hey, Earl, you're never gonna-- Oh, my God! 157 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,010 [ Earl Narrating ] Ever since I'd seen his robe fall open, 158 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:07,214 I couldn't get Little Chubby's crazy-looking gonad pouch off my brain. 159 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,349 And so he was back on my list. 160 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:13,353 Yeah, that's about how big each one was. Now show 'em the color. 161 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,388 It was mostly purple, like this. 162 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,625 But there was black and blue too. 163 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:22,996 Then there were streaks of a color I could only describe as "brorange." 164 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,298 That's probably why he always made that sound when he sat down. 165 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:28,301 I thought it was 'cause he was just relaxing. 166 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:31,238 - Hey, guys. How's it goin'? - Hey, man, sit down and join us. 167 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,173 Don't mind if I do. 168 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:40,313 [ Grunting Loudly ] 169 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:46,553 [ Exhales ] Mmm. 170 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,656 So how you guys doin'? 171 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,391 Now, for the shape, I'm really gonna need a hammer. 172 00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:54,728 It looks like I always pictured Grimace's McNuggets. 173 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,364 I bet that's why he doesn't have a woman. 174 00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,533 Little Chubby, not Grimace. I'm sure Grimace pulls chicks left and right. 175 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,704 The injury could have affected his libido, like when you get a dog neutered... 176 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:07,407 and it doesn't wanna hump your leg anymore, even if you're wearing corduroy. 177 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:11,511 That explains why he didn't even look when I kissed Lacey on stage the other day. 178 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:14,114 See? That's the look I expected to get. 179 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,484 Well, I gotta make it up to him somehow. 180 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,388 I just hope he doesn't need a transplant, 'cause I don't think we're the same type. 181 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,393 Okay, are we done comparin' this mango to a man's 'nads? 'Cause I wanna eat it. 182 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,630 [ Earl Narrating ] Nobody had any ideas about how I could help Chubby, 183 00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:32,766 so I decided to talk to him man-to-man. 184 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:36,704 So you guys saw it, huh? Well, sorry. I hope it wasn't too traumatic for you. 185 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:41,875 You know something? Aborigine tribes actually used to pray to them. 186 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:52,052 So, what do you say? You almost done here, fellas? 187 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:55,022 To be honest, I haven't looked at it myself for months. 188 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:58,558 It kind of freaks me out. Is that one part of it still, uh-- 189 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,894 I don't even have the words to describe it. Kind of-- 190 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,595 - Brorange? - Yeah, that's it. 191 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:07,134 - I'm afraid so. - You also have bleen, yurple and gred. 192 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,436 - That's not good. - So there's nothin' the doctors can do? 193 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,740 I don't know. I've never been to a doctor. My dad always used to say-- 194 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,876 He said never trust a man that wants to put his finger in your butt. 195 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,811 Yeah, well, you can't argue with that logic. 196 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,947 Yeah, but on the other hand, if Dad was so smart, 197 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,116 why would he have a giant hole in his head where the vodka should've been? 198 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:26,887 So, uh, let's go see a doc, huh? [ Chuckles ] 199 00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,824 Cheese and crackers! 200 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:34,427 That's somethin'. I can see your heartbeat. 201 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:37,164 So can you fix him? 202 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,933 Without a transplant, hopefully. 203 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,235 Not that I wouldn't be willin'. No transplant. 204 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:46,139 But I gotta say, you couldn't have kicked him in a more perfect spot. 205 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:50,510 Mr. Chubby, you've got an obdurate testicular hematoma. 206 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:53,781 Ah. You know any of those words? 207 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:57,150 He took the jingle out of your bells, son. You're not making testosterone. 208 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,352 That explains your low sex drive, 209 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,421 and why you rented Memoirs of a Geisha the other night. 210 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,924 Man, that was the worst kung fu movie ever. 211 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:07,227 So as you can see, Doc, we gotta fix this right away. 212 00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:11,031 [ Earl Narrating ] Since I was the one who had broken Little Chubby, 213 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,066 I thought I should be there when he got fixed. 214 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,836 - How you doin'? - I'm not gonna lie to you, Earl. 215 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,805 I'm a little scared. I miss my mom. 216 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:21,875 When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark and she'd hold my hand. 217 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:25,278 [ Drill Whirring ] Hold my hand, would you, Earl? 218 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,185 Sure. Thank you. 219 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,488 Then she'd-- she'd stroke my hair. 220 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:39,592 [ Whirring Continues ] 221 00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:43,296 There you go. Then she'd sing to me. 222 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,398 Yeah, she was one hell of a woman, wasn't she? 223 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,901 She was an angel, Earl. An absolute angel. You have no idea. 224 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:53,006 But now she's dead, and this guy's gonna take about a quart of liquid out of my sack. 225 00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:57,244 So just sing to me, Earl. 226 00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:01,314 I remember she-- she loved Skynyrd. [ Woman ] Suction. 227 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,219 Fine. [ Clears Throat ] 228 00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:12,926 * If I leave here tomorrow * 229 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:16,129 ** [ Imitating Guitar ] 230 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:20,167 * Would you still remember me * [ Drill Whirring ] 231 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,235 ** [ Imitating Guitar ] 232 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:28,108 * For I must be travelin' on now * 233 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:29,977 ** [ Imitating Guitar ] 234 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:34,681 * 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see * 235 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,984 ** [ Imitating Guitar ] 236 00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:38,986 [ Earl Narrating ] So Little Chubby's doctor... 237 00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,521 finally put Humpty and Dumpty back together again, 238 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:44,457 and me and Randy let our new friend recover at the motel. 239 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:48,528 The store was outta ice, so your options are Popsicles or frozen dinners. 240 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,931 Better stick with the Popsicles. That picture of Mamma Mia... 241 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,799 looks a little bit too much like my grandma. 242 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:56,469 Besides, it'll be easier to work the Popsicles around my stitches. 243 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:07,147 [ Gasps ] Oh, no. Oh, please, no! 244 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:10,383 - Another sneeze? - Oh, yeah, a big one. 245 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,752 [ Grunting ] 246 00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:15,022 [ Sneezes, Screams ] 247 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,590 I can't bear to look. Did I pop a stitch? 248 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,628 [ High-pitched Voice ] No, it-- it looks all right. 249 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:28,135 Have Catalina bring up more towels, and I'll call the doctor. 250 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,941 [ Earl Narrating ] Luckily, nothing fell out... 251 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,575 before the doctor could re-stitch Little Chubby. 252 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,545 And within a few days, his cherries didn't just look normal, 253 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,081 they started sendin' the proper signals up to his brain. 254 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,183 Holy crap! Now I get it. 255 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:46,319 She jumps, and all her female body parts move around. 256 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,989 Amazing. No wonder we make a fortune in this place. 257 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:52,525 I bet everybody here has working testicles. 258 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,527 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, testosterone brought back... 259 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:57,030 more than just Little Chubby's lust for the ladies. 260 00:14:57,097 --> 00:15:00,333 It brought back his aggression. 261 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:05,005 Oh, my God! I won! I never win. You must really suck. 262 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:08,675 Yeah, uh, congratulations. 263 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:16,416 [ Chuckles ] [ Sniffing ] 264 00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:25,125 [ Earl Narrating ] Before we knew it, Chubby was up to his old tricks. 265 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,160 Hey, that's my boat. 266 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:30,397 How would you like it if I went to your house and used your Crock-Pot? 267 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,399 Or whatever it is you poor people cook with. 268 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:37,770 [ Both Whimpering ] 269 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:41,108 L.C., what was that? Limo backfire? 270 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,543 Hey, those are my water wings. 271 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,681 [ Chuckles ] 272 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,353 You need to kill Little Chubby. 273 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:57,924 He shot at the kids and then he farted in my pool bag. I had my lunch in there, Earl. 274 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,559 He threw Mr. Turtle on the trampoline. 275 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,728 Mr. Turtle can't do anything on the trampoline. 276 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,964 - He was scared out of his mind. - I miss my tail. 277 00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:07,300 Well, you're the ones who said I should help him. 278 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,303 We said you needed to fix him, not turn him into a damn monster. 279 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,573 And when I left tonight, he was forcing two truckers to lap dance each other. 280 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,642 It's getting dangerous down there. I'm quitting. 281 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,845 Oh, hell no, you're not! You quit, Little Chubby'll pull my bail bond. 282 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:22,282 I ain't tryin' to go to prison just because you're afraid of gettin' murdered at work. 283 00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:25,552 Earl, you better fix this. 284 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,520 Fine. I'll talk to him. 285 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:31,324 Were those truckers good dancers like me, or did they just phone it in? 286 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,396 Little Chubby. Hey, Earl. 287 00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:39,366 Okay, beat it, broads. Come on. What's shakin'? 288 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,634 Well, uh-- 289 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:45,872 Well, I'm-I'm just here 'cause the gang asked me to come by and say hello, and-- 290 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:49,376 [ Groans ] That's funny. That's the Three Stooges. 291 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:53,513 Yeah, they're good. Uh, listen, Little Chubby. 292 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:57,950 I gotta be honest with you. You're kind of becoming a mean guy again. 293 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,187 Mean guy? I don't understand. [ Gasps ] 294 00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:03,323 See that? Well, kind of like that. 295 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,592 I mean, that's somethin' your dad would've done. 296 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,894 For God's sake, you got one of his guns in your pants, 297 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,063 and nobody knows if it's loaded with vodka or bullets. 298 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,564 It's bullets. Bullets? 299 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,166 Sure. See? 300 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,968 Wow. You're right, Earl. 301 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,505 What's happening to me? I'm becoming a-- becoming a jerk. 302 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:23,210 I treat the girls bad. I take shots at kids. 303 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,745 I'm gonna have a drink. Want one? 304 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:31,318 Sure. Well, I gotta say, this is the third time I've had to come into your club... 305 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,019 and have to tell you something really awkward. 306 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:37,224 But, hey, every time, it turns out-- 307 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,259 [ Chuckles ] That wasn't the Stooges. 308 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,328 That was the-- That was The Fall Guy. 309 00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:45,332 Oh, man, that was a weird dream. 310 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,834 I was bein' hung up in the back of a-- 311 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,137 Oh, my God! 312 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,074 - Hey, pally. How they hangin'? - What are you doin'? 313 00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:58,211 A little thing called payback. You may know it as a great Mel Gibson movie, 314 00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,680 but it's also a synonym for revenge. 315 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,552 [ Gasps ] Are you crazy? 316 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,721 Well, you explode my marble pouch, and I explode yours. 317 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,990 Let me just adjust this. No, no, no, no, no! 318 00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:13,025 What-What happened to bein' a good person? 319 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,694 [ Beeping ] 320 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,496 What about-- [ Groans ] 321 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:20,099 God, it hurts, but I'm glad it's not my clackers! Aah! 322 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,068 Well, that one was a little high. 323 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:25,938 I'll just adjust it here, and-- You're gonna be bummed out about this one. 324 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:28,841 Please, can we talk about this? You were happy bein' nice. 325 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:32,645 You said you didn't wanna die bein' hated and alone like your dad. 326 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:35,682 Well, that was back when my sack was destroyed. Now I'm all man. 327 00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,185 [ Beeping ] 328 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:41,154 [ Chuckles ] I saved you. 329 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:44,191 Look, I-I-I know there's a good person in there. 330 00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:48,361 You're not just your dad's son. You're your mom's son too. Look. 331 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,530 You're part her, you are, 332 00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:53,500 but her part's bein' overwhelmed by your dad's freaky hormone part. 333 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,802 Look, I understand what you're sayin' there, Earl. 334 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,804 But, uh, what can I tell ya? I'm a-- I'm a Chubby. 335 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,407 [ Beeping ] It's my destiny. It's in my blood. 336 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:06,045 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew he wasn't gonna bunt those balls away from mine forever. 337 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:08,248 I needed to say somethin', anything. 338 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:13,786 * 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now * 339 00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,955 * And this bird you cannot change * 340 00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:18,325 [ Earl Narrating ] I'd heard of people singin' for their supper, 341 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:22,529 and I guess you might say I was singin' for my meat and potatoes too. 342 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:29,168 * Lord knows I can't change * 343 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:33,340 [ Man ] * Lord, I can't change * 344 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:35,242 Little Chubby, pick up the bat. 345 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,310 * Won't you fly * 346 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,045 - Please, pick up the bat! - * Free bird * 347 00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:41,614 [ Earl Narrating ] All I could do was hold my breath, cringe, 348 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,984 and wait to get racked by karma's baseball. 349 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:48,355 And then Little Chubby did something I never thought I'd see a man do. 350 00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:50,923 He stood between me and karma. 351 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:55,362 [ Beeping ] 352 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,230 He didn't do it to protect me. [ Groans ] 353 00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:01,234 He did it to protect himself from himself. 354 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,636 And like someone who can't handle their liquor, 355 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,105 Little Chubby realized he couldn't handle his testosterone. 356 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,940 So he went cold turkey. 357 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,277 Thanks, Earl. 358 00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:13,280 I can't say I completely understood why Little Chubby did what he did, 359 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:16,583 but, well, it made sense to him, and that was good enough for me. 360 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,551 The thing, Earl, is that in my life, 361 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,187 I've been feared and I've been loved, 362 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,256 and I like bein' loved a whole lot better. 363 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,525 Little Chubby! Thank you for everything. 364 00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:29,896 I never had a health plan before. I have 12 cavities! 365 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:33,633 -So, you have no regrets? - Well, I probably would've gone the surgical route. 366 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,902 But you mentioned my mother, and I got carried away. 367 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:38,871 But the doctors say I should be walkin' again in about a year or so. 368 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:42,442 It's all good. [ Earl Narrating ] As crazy as it all was, 369 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:46,045 it also kind of made me realize somethin'. 370 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:49,882 Sometimes happiness is about givin' up somethin' precious to get somethin' better. 371 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,652 And it made me wonder, would I do the same? 372 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:56,589 What would I sacrifice to be loved? Not my balls.