[ Earl Narrating ] Usually when you see a long line at the Crab Shack,
it's headin' into the bathroom due to food poisoning.
But today there was a line 'cause someone from the Camden Savings & Loan...
was givin' away T-shirts if you qualified for a credit card.
This is great. 'Cause his little left thumb is over my left lactatin' spot,
and I carry my purse on my right side, so I'm good to go.
Earl, is that the real Pack-Away the Savings Squirrel?
'Cause he hasn't sung that song.
* You'd be nuts not to keep your nuts at Camden Savings & Loan *
Member F.D.I.C.
It's gonna be one of those times when you think I'm talking down to you,
but the squirrel on TV's a cartoon.
- You can be a real jerk sometimes. - Next.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was excited to finally own a credit card I hadn't stolen.
And Randy was excited to get a T-shirt with a smilin' squirrel on it.
So, Mr. Hickey-- permanent residence?
Palm Tree Motel, Room 231.
For one night, we stayed in Room 211, which was bigger,
but it was over a drug dealer's room.
Sometimes bullets would come up through the floor and freak us out, so we moved.
Okay. None. Occupation?
I have a list of bad things I've done to people,
and I go around and find 'em and make up for what I did.
- It's based on karma. - [ Chittering ]
You can put "None."
Highest level of education:
high school graduate, some college, college graduate?
Is there a box for "some high school"?
Or street smarts?
You got any questions like, "What's the last movie you saw?" 'cause I can answer that.
Jack Frost. It was on TV.
Not great. I'm sorry, sir.
We're not allowed to give people who are homeless,
unemployed and uneducated a credit card.
- They're real sticklers. - So no T-shirt?
Oh, no, but I do have this paper mask of Pack-Away that we give to children.
You can have one of these. [ Squirrel Chitters ]
[ Earl Narrating ] So as far as the bank was concerned, I was a child.
And what kind of man would want to be treated like a child?
Can I get a squirrel mask? Actually two.
'Cause I know I'll wear the first one out.
My name is Earl.
[ Man ] You got to hit it.
[ Earl Narrating ] There I was-- with no job,
no education, no permanent home.
I realized that my life hadn't changed since high school.
And I wasn't the only one. Hey, Earl. Would you pass the nuts?
Sorry, Randy. That's funny, but I'm not in a laughin' mood right now.
Don't beat yourself up too much about the bank lady making you feel like a child and whatnot.
At least you're doing the list. That's a very adult endeavor.
That list is ridiculous. He numbers everything on it, but he never follows the order.
Plus he didn't know how to spell "catapult," so he just drew one on it.
Only reason anybody takes that thing seriously is 'cause it's on yellow lawyer paper.
If you screwed yourself out of being an adult, why don't you just put yourself on the list?
Sometimes I feel like your conscience-- like that little cricket, Jiminy Hiccup.
I like when you're on the list. That way, we get to skip the long, boring part...
where we have to find the person and explain about karma.
- I hate that part. - All right. Here we go.
I'm puttin' this down right now.
Number 273--
kept myself from bein' an adult.
And you know somethin' I've seen grown-ups do?
Underneath an important item, they write other items with little letters in front.
273-A-- finish high school.
273-B-- get a real job.
273-C-- move out of the motel.
Subsets. You're growin' up right before our very eyes.
[ Earl Narrating ] I knew it was too late to get a real high school diploma,
so I decided to get the next-best thing-- a G.E.D.
I started with math since I knew I could count on my fingers.
Randy took it to the next level.
"In Armando's class, there are six women for every two men."
Nice.
"If there are 12 women, how many men are there?"
[ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't quite figure out how many men there were,
but I did figure out there would be 24 boobs.
That didn't really help me, but it probably helped Armando.
Either way, I skipped math.
"Past participle."
Okay. Okay. A "part" is...
like a part of somethin'.
And an "iciple"...
could be like "municipal,"
which I think stands for "swimming pool."
So, part of a swimmin' pool in the past.
[ Earl Narrating ] Then I decided to skip English.
"How many continents are there?"
"A," "E," "I," "O," "U."
Damn. "Five" isn't a choice.
[ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't even fill in one stupid answer bubble.
Randy, however, did not have the same problem.
It's a sailboat.
That dot's me, and these dots are all hot babes.
[ Sighs ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I decided, if I was gonna pass those G.E.D. tests,
I needed to actually learn some stuff.
So I went back to my old high school...
to tell my teachers this drop-out was ready to drop back in.
What do you mean you won't teach me? You're teachers.
You're too late, Hickey. The shot clock's expired on that one.
[ Fly Buzzing ] You should've paid attention the first time,
back in the '80s when we gave a crap.
You guys used to beg me to pay attention so you could teach me somethin'.
- What the hell happened to you? - You wanna know what happened?
Two decades of dealing with rotten little fuzz nuts like you.
[ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't argue.
Me and Randy were rotten little fuzz nuts.
And after we left school,
there was a long line of bad kids waitin' to take our place.
* You better stop *
* Look around *
* Here it comes * And after a while,
enough fuzz nuts will break a teacher's spirit.
Mr. Romack's was broken on Teacher Appreciation Day...
when they superglued a mug to his hand.
* Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown *
[ Laughing Continues ] [ Bell Rings ]
They got Mrs. Harding on her smoke break.
[ Pops ] [ Gasps ]
* Oh, who's to blame * [ Laughing ]
* That girl's just insane * [ Sobbing ]
They even got to sweet Mrs. McCullum...
who lived for teaching kids the joy of cooking.
[ Loud Snap ] [ Screams ]
- Awesome! - [ Sobbing ] Oh, my God.
[ Earl Narrating ] Eventually, the kids' pranks got completely out of hand.
Have a nice Christmas break, buddy.
* Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown *
** [ Ends ]
I used to love coffee. Now it just taunts me.
I used to teach them how to prepare a whole Thanksgiving meal every fall.
Now I just let 'em watch Barefoot Contessa...
while I play Texas hold 'em on my cell phone.
We've become babysitters.
Every day is just a "run out the clock" situation.
Schools always have a group of lowlife scums.
Why not just give 'em in-school suspension?
Hell, I spent half my freshman year there.
First place I ever got to see a baby get born.
We tried in-school suspension. Can't get substitutes to cover the class anymore.
Maybe you should try giving them a nicer name than "substitutes."
Like guest teacher or astronaut.
No. "Teachernaut."
Wait. That makes it sound like they're not teachers.
"Astroteachers."
Yeah, guys, I understand you're burnt out, but I need you.
If-If you don't help me pass my G.E.D. tests,
I won't be able to start becoming an adult.
Please. I'll do anything.
Anything?
I'm your teacher. My name is Earl.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Bad attitudes and perfect aim.
This was gonna be a challenge.
[ Earl Narrating ] My first day, I got hit with five spitballs and a homemade Chinese star.
So I prepared for day two. Does this sound inspirational?
"Hazy dreams produce hazy results."
Some guy named Ibid said that.
- I don't get it. - Me neither. That's why I thought it was smart.
Why do you have to inspire 'em? I thought you were just supposed to babysit.
No, I want to turn these kids around, Randy.
I owe it to their teachers after everything I did to 'em.
Plus, I don't want these kids to end up like me-- 35 years old and still not an adult.
Earl, relax. The teacher always gets through to the troubled kids.
I've seen this movie, like, 12 times, and it always ends up fine.
Although sometimes you do get shot in a drive-by or catch breast cancer.
Listen, kids-- dudes.
I don't want you to think of me as just a teacher.
I want you to think of me as a friend.
'Cause I've been where you are, and I know where you're goin'.
I was you once, and now I live in a motel room where I share a bed with my brother.
- Gay. - [ All Laughing ]
Yeah, listen, it's not gay. He's my brother.
- Gay. - Look, that word is not cool.
I happen to have a homosexual friend named Kenny--
Super gay.
[ Earl Narrating ] I realized straight talkin' might not work with these kids.
It was gonna take somethin' more.
All right. That's it. We're goin' on a field trip.
Everybody out to the parking lot.
Hop in the back of the El Camino.
Today, I'm gonna show you all your future.
Just don't tell me what day I die on. I don't wanna know.
Is it a Thursday?
[ Earl Narrating ] I decided to show 'em what my life became...
after making the same decisions they were making.
This is where I live.
If you continue to screw off and let high school pass you by without learning anything,
this is where you're gonna live.
Sweet. That hot maid clean for you every day?
It's not sweet. It's pathetic.
I can't even qualify for an apartment.
Catalina, tell these guys why they don't wanna be like me.
Well, one night, a speed freak broke into his room,
slammed Earl's head against the bathtub until he passed out,
then went to the bathroom and left without flushing.
See? Now, that would've never happened if I had a high school diploma.
Let's go.
[ Earl Narrating ] Then I showed 'em their future ex-wife.
What the hell is this? You better hope that "To Catch a Predator" guy...
doesn't come in and see you with all these kids.
Nice. Joy, I want you to tell these guys why they don't wanna be like me.
Well, he's not very smart. The first time he saw Y.M.C.A.,
he thought it was pronounced "yumca."
Plus, I once saw him dive into an empty pool.
That was actually a funny day.
He hit his head so hard, he took a dump in a cat box.
That's a true story. The cat caught me in her box and tried to scratch me a new one.
That wouldn't have happened if I stayed in school.
Earl's right. With a good education, you can do whatever you want.
- Did you graduate high school? - With honors.
- Then why are you working in a dump like this? - [ Kids Snickering ]
L-Life can get complicated, man.
You don't know what I've been through.
I've seen the darkest parts of a man's soul--
things that make a horror movie look like The Hughleys!
Darnell. Darnell. Look. It's the Crab Shack.
And there's your wife. She's hot.
Tonight, you're gonna go home and play Atari.
Everything's fine. [ Joy ] I thought of somethin' else.
One time at the zoo, I saw a monkey beat Earl at rock, paper, scissors.
[ Earl Narrating ] After showing the kids how much better off I'd be if I'd stayed in school,
I felt like I had gotten through to 'em.
So, what did we learn today?
That you're a loser.
Yeah, that's exactly right. You don't wanna end up like me.
There's no way we're gonna end up like some old dude with a porno mustache.
[ Boy ] Yeah.
Not the way I play Guitar Hero. I five starred "Free Bird" on the first try.
I'm gonna be a rock star soon as my parents buy me a guitar.
You guys can't count on crazy dreams...
like being a rock star or playing pro basketball.
It's not gonna happen. I mean, when I was your age, I thought I was gonna be a stuntman.
But the closest I ever came was being on a surveillance tape...
when I fell through the roof of a liquor store.
[ Bell Rings ] [ Chattering ]
That's because you were born a loser, Hickey,
and we were born awesome.
- Um, Mr. Hickey, can I talk to you? - Sure, Summer.
It's a little embarrassing, but... I don't wanna be a loser.
I don't want to lose at rock, paper, scissors to a monkey.
Look, he threw rock six times in a row.
And just when I caught on to the pattern-- scissors. But go on.
[ Earl Narrating ] So I didn't get through to my whole class, [ No Audible Dialogue ]
but one of my students was finally opening up to me.
And I was really excited to help her,
so I sat her down and gave her every piece of advice I could think of.
* Lean on me *
* When you're not strong *
* And I'll be your friend *
* I'll help you carry on **
And, Summer, now always remember.
Just because you have a stripper name...
doesn't mean you have to grow up to be a stripper.
Wow. Thank you, Mr. Hickey. You just changed my life.
That's what teachers do.
Summer, let's go. You stalled him long enough.
What? Stalled me? Stalled me for what?
What the hell? I don't remember you parking the car like that.
[ Laughing ]
How'd I even get out?
I'm gonna kill 'em! I swear to God I'm really gonna kill 'em.
Now you're sounding like a real teacher.
In two weeks, you'll have gained 20 pounds and stopped shaving anything.
They're total bastards. Those kids didn't listen to a single thing I said...
when all I was trying to do was help 'em.
And how do they thank me? They put my car on its side.
Oh.
Don't be a hero, Hickey. Just take a knee.
I can't believe you guys. When are you gonna stand up and fight?
You're in charge. This is your school.
I'm serious.
We need to treat them exactly like they treat us.
Look, what do you want from us?
We're not allowed to hurt the kids, at least not physically.
I don't have the energy to hurt 'em emotionally.
I'm not talkin' about hurtin' them.
I'm just talkin' about giving 'em a little "obnonymous" taste of their own medicine--
or their own saliva, in the case of what they did to your soup, Mrs. McCullum.
They spit in my soup? When?
Well, Mrs. Harding says they do it every day.
I didn't tell you 'cause I know you like your soup. I didn't want to make you upset.
They gave me mono.
It's time to fight back-- for the exploding cigarettes,
for the duct tape, for the superglue...
and for what Mrs. Harding told me they rubbed on your coffee mug.
They put their privates in it. Again, I didn't want to upset you.
Come on, guys. What do you say?
Huh? Are we gonna sit around and take it, or are we gonna fight back?
Let's get those bastards.
[ Earl Narrating ] Mr. Romack went the eye-for-an-eye, glue-for-a-glue route.
* Another one bites the dust *
* And another one gone and another one gone *
* Another one bites the dust * For Mrs. McCullum, revenge was sweet--
[ Screams ] and a little messy.
[ Gasps ]
* Another one bites the dust *
[ Muffled Giggle ]
* Another one bites the dust *
For Mrs. Harding, all revenge took was assigned seats and an Allen wrench.
* Hey, I'm gonna get you too Another one bites the dust *
* Shooter **
And we saved the worst kid for last-- Nick Daley.
We decided to hit him where it would hurt the most--
his 1968 cobalt-blue Camaro.
And Mr. Baldwin was excited to do the dirty work.
Oh, man, it is gonna be crazy.
When he starts up the car, the CD player is gonna play--
[ Chanting In Singsong ] I have a tiny penis, I have a tiny penis--
over and over again on a loop.
When he tries to turn it off-- I rigged the interior with air bags.
Boom! They're all gonna explode.
Then the doors are gonna lock. Anyone who touches the handle to get out--
Bzzz! Gonna get shocked! [ Laughs ]
Oh, man! Oh, I wish my old shop teacher was still alive to see this.
This is for you, Mr. Veeley.
All right, nice work.
Now, when we go back in, act casual.
- Okay! - [ Chortling ]
[ Earl ] Casual. Casual.
* The low rider is a little higher *
- Have a nice lunch break. - Buckle up for safety.
- Enjoy your ride, kids. - [ Boy ] What?
[ Earl Narrating ] It was the kind of excitement teachers should have,
even if it wasn't comin' out in the most teacherly way.
Earl, I think I speak for all of us when I say...
this may very well be the greatest moment of my teaching career.
What if he wets his pants? Shh!
Claire, you'll jinx it.
* Take a little trip Take a little trip with me **
[ Alarm Beeps ]
- Whoa! - [ Grunts ] - [ Gasps ]
- Oh, God! - [ Gasping ]
It's okay. You can get 'em with the next bomb.
You just have to delay it a little.
They're gonna call this terrorism. We're going to Guantánamo.
Game, set, match. [ Car Alarms Blaring ]
Yeah, bitches!
That's for steeping your pouch in my coffee mug!
Shut up!
Everybody calm down. What the hell did you do to the car?
I don't know what happened. Some wires must have gotten crossed.
Must have? Must have? His car exploded, Baldwin!
Shut up, Harding. You want a piece of me? You shut up!
Stop freakin' out.
Look, I've accidentally exploded tons of stuff in my life,
and nothing's been traced back to me.
The important thing is we go about our normal business and act casual.
Got it?
See? This is what I'm talkin' about.
Mrs. McCullum,
rockin' with your hands buried in your crotch is not actin' casual.
But I'm nervous.
[ Earl Narrating ] It's rare that you hear someone say a teacher has nerves of steel.
There's a reason for that.
But there was nothing I could do. I had to send 'em back to class.
[ Chalk Chattering ]
P-P-Please open your, uh,
American literature antho-thology to page--
[ Earl Narrating ] But then something weird happened.
Apparently, an accidental attempt at murder...
is just what it takes to get a teenager's attention.
* I have a tiny penis * Those teachers are crazy!
They're trying to kill us! Okay. We pushed 'em too far.
I peed in my pants. Yeah, you peed in my pants too, man.
* I have a tiny penis I have a tiny penis **
[ Earl Narrating ] Our little revenge plan had scared 'em straight...
in a way we never expected.
And once Mrs. Harding realized the apple wasn't gonna explode,
she calmed down and was able to get back to teaching for the first time in years.
The teachers were so grateful to have control over their classrooms again...
that they went back to teaching everyone, including me and Randy.
And me and Randy liked learning so much...
we took classes that wouldn't even be on the G.E.D. test.
My zucchini bread turned out perfect.
[ Sniffs ] Mmm.
[ Earl Narrating ] For the first time in my life,
I turned in a test and felt good about my future.
I didn't make a picture this time, because I knew too many of the answers.
But I did draw somethin' on my scratch paper.
It's an elf named Finster.
[ Earl Narrating ] I may not have gotten to walk across a stage wearin' a dress,
but I felt like I accomplished something big in my life.
I even got to apply my newly learned math skills.
Looks like I'm a third of the way to becoming an adult.
Or two-sixths...
or three-ninths.
Or "D"-- all the above.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was doubly proud that day because Randy did a lot of learning too.
I got a lot of carvin' to do.
[ Blows ]