1 00:00:02,970 --> 00:00:06,340 THE DRESSER, THE BEDSPREAD, THE LAMP, 2 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,442 THE TELEVISION, THE TELEPHONE-- 3 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:12,080 [ Earl Narrating ] RANDY WAS POINTING OUT ALL THE THINGS HE WAS GONNA MISS AT THE MOTEL, 4 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,947 'CAUSE IT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT THERE. 5 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,485 WE WERE MOVIN'. THE VENDING MACHINE THAT TAKES BUTTONS, 6 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:20,988 PAUL THE SLEEPWALKING GUY FROM DOWNSTAIRS. 7 00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,791 YEAH. I'M GONNA MISS PAUL TOO. 8 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,659 WE'VE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES HERE. 9 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:28,229 EXCEPT FOR THE GAS LEAK. THAT WAS KIND OF SCARY. 10 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:31,732 IT WASN'T THAT BAD. WE SLEPT THROUGH MOST OF IT. 11 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:34,768 [ Earl Narrating ] SO, WHY WERE ME AND RANDY MOVING? WELL, 12 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:38,372 I HAD RECENTLY REALIZED THAT I CHEATED MYSELF OUT OF BECOMING AN ADULT. 13 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,974 SO I PUT EARL HICKEY ON THE LIST. 14 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,544 I GOT MY G.E.D., 15 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,279 I GOT A REAL JOB, 16 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,617 AND FINALLY ME AND RANDY MOVED IN TO A REAL APARTMENT. 17 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:52,486 HEY, EARL. YEAH, RANDY? 18 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,056 WHAT COLOR'S THE CEILING IN YOUR ROOM? 19 00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:58,025 WHITE. MINE TOO. 20 00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:01,028 [ Man ] HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS GET OFF CHANNEL NINE. 21 00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:05,999 THIS IS AN EMERGENCY FREQUENCY. SORRY, SIR. GOOD NIGHT, RANDY. 22 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:10,404 GOOD NIGHT, EARL. GOOD NIGHT, EMERGENCY FREQUENCY. [ Man ] GET OFF IT! 23 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:15,443 MY NAME IS EARL. 24 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,350 [ Earl Narrating ] ME AND RANDY HAD JUST MOVED IN TO OUR NEW APARTMENT... 25 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,985 AND WERE HAVING OUR FIRST BREAKFAST. 26 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,255 MAN, EVERYONE HERE IS SO FRIENDLY. 27 00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:30,124 I EVEN GOT SOME HELPFUL ADVICE FROM ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS LAST NIGHT. 28 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:33,894 WHEN I GO OUT LOOKING FOR AN ICE MACHINE, I SHOULD PUT ON PANTS. 29 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,297 OH. AND THERE'S NO ICE MACHINE. 30 00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,532 THIS IS A NICE PLACE. 31 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,402 BUT I GOT THIS WEIRD FEELING INSIDE. 32 00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:44,472 I CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN IT, BUT-- 33 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,574 I DON'T KNOW. IT FEELS LIKE SOMETHING'S MISSING. 34 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,810 YEAH. 35 00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:53,681 I PICKED ALL THE MARSHMALLOW CHARMS OUT OF YOUR CEREAL. I HOPED YOU WOULDN'T NOTICE. 36 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,783 WELL, THAT'S NOT IT. 37 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:59,520 ALTHOUGH I DO WISH YOU WOULDN'T PUT YOUR HANDS IN MY CEREAL. 38 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:05,659 IT'S JUST THAT I-- I CROSSED OFF ALL THE THINGS ON MY LIST TO BECOME AN ADULT, AND-- 39 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:09,797 I DON'T KNOW. I JUST-- I DON'T FEEL LIKE I THOUGHT I WOULD. 40 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,099 [ Phone Rings ] 41 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,868 WAIT. LET THAT THING I BOUGHT ANSWER IT. 42 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,771 [ Man ] HELLO. THIS IS A MR. T IMPERSONATOR. 43 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,374 I PITY THE FOOL WHO DOESN'T LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR-- 44 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:23,244 [ Randy Chuckles ] RANDY AND EARL. 45 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:25,479 THAT WAS SO WORTH 20 BUCKS. [ Beeps ] 46 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,748 [ Joy ] EARL, GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO THE JAIL RIGHT NOW. 47 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,284 I'M IN BIG TROUBLE. THERE'S ABOUT TO BE A RACE RIOT, 48 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,620 AND ME AND THE BABY ARE ON DIFFERENT SIDES. 49 00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:37,325 HOW'D YOU END UP IN JAIL? I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIDING IN MEXICO. 50 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:41,061 WELL, RUNNING FROM THE LAW WASN'T AS EASY AS THEY MADE IT LOOK ON THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. 51 00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:43,697 [ Earl Narrating ] JOY WAS IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE. IT STARTED LAST FALL... 52 00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,967 WHEN SHE STOLE A TRUCK AND GOT ARRESTED. 53 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:51,705 UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS THE THIRD STRIKE, AND NOW SHE WAS FACING LIFE IN PRISON. 54 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,974 SO JOY TOOK AN UNSCHEDULED VACATION. 55 00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,477 * BEATS ALL YOU NEVER SAW BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW * 56 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:59,213 [ Earl Narrating ] TO MEXICO. [ Wolf Howls ] 57 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,715 AND THINGS WERE GOING WELL FOR A WHILE. 58 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,289 OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! 59 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,324 YOU'RE DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER! 60 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:14,228 [ Laughs ] I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN. MY NAME IS JOY. 61 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,630 TURNER, I GOT A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST, BABY. 62 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,767 BAIL-JUMPING AND INTERSTATE FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION. 63 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,002 OH, CHASQUIDO. 64 00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:25,205 THIS IS CRAZY, JOY. YOU KEEP MAKING THINGS WORSE FOR YOURSELF. 65 00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:28,409 RUNNING AWAY MAKES YOU LOOK GUILTY. LOOK. I'M FREAKING OUT, OKAY? 66 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:31,679 I COULD GO AWAY FOR LIFE. YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS? DEPENDS ON HOW LONG-- 67 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:35,316 SEVENTY MORE YEARS! LOOK AT MY LIFELINE! 68 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:40,087 LISTEN. MY DEAF LAWYER SAID THAT I HAVE TO HAVE GOOD CHARACTER WITNESSES, 69 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,122 AND I NEED YOU TO GO FIND 'EM FOR ME. 70 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,057 WRITE THESE NAMES DOWN. 71 00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:47,461 [ Randy ] SO IT'S NOT FUN, HUH? IT'S LONELY IN SOLITARY. 72 00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:50,731 I MISS MY CELL MATE. WHY'D THEY PUT YOU IN SOLITARY? 73 00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,433 I KILLED MY CELL MATE. 74 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:56,770 [ Earl Narrating ] I STOPPED BY THE TRAILER TO SEE HOW DARNELL WAS DOING ON HIS OWN. 75 00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:59,172 [ Popping ] 76 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:03,010 I DIDN'T REALLY NEED TO ASK 'CAUSE HIS HAIR IS LIKE A MOOD RING. 77 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:06,179 THE KIDS FOUND THE SUGAR AND THE FOURTH OF JULY POPPERS. 78 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,617 [ Pops ] THEY'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR 36 HOURS. 79 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,819 * YOU'RE MOTORIN' * WHOO! 80 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:14,655 WHY IS MR. TURTLE TAPED TO THE CEILING WINDOW? 81 00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:18,392 OH, THAT'S WHERE HE IS? I THOUGHT HE RAN AWAY. 82 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,428 [ Popping Continues ] I WOULDN'T BLAME HIM. 83 00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,430 WANT ME TO GET HIM DOWN? HE LOOKS KIND OF SCARED. 84 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:25,065 HIS TINY TURTLE BUTT'S ALL PUCKERED UP. 85 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:28,402 HE'S PROBABLY SAFER UP THERE. [ Popping Continues ] 86 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,738 I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE CONTROLLING THE KIDS, EARL. 87 00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:34,274 AND KEEPING UP WITH THE CHORES AND MY SHIFTS AT WORK. 88 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,610 OW! 89 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,680 DODGE, UH, 90 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,882 HOW ABOUT YOU STOP HITTING OLD DADDY WITH FIRECRACKERS... 91 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,718 AND GO EAT SUGAR WITH YOUR BROTHER WHILE I TALK TO NEW DADDY? 92 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,854 OKAY? 93 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,022 HERE. GO HELP 'EM WITH THEIR CLOTHES. 94 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:52,059 * SISTER CHRISTIAN THERE'S SO MUCH IN LIFE ** COME ON, KIDS. 95 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,594 LOOK, CRABMAN, IF YOU WANT, 96 00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:57,297 ME AND RANDY CAN TAKE THE KIDS OFF YOUR HANDS FOR A WHILE, GIVE YOU A BREAK, 97 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,800 GET THE PERK BACK INTO YOUR HAIR. 98 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,769 THANKS, EARL. 99 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,505 BUT IT'S NOT JUST TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS. 100 00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:07,140 I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS. 101 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:10,043 I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT JOY. 102 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,012 SHE'S THE OTHER HALF OF MY HEART. 103 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,282 THAT'S SWEET. 104 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:18,151 - SHE'S GOT THE OTHER PIECE? - NO. 105 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:22,823 IT'S SOMEWHERE IN MY COLON. SHE MADE ME EAT HER HALF WHEN WE GOT INTO A FIGHT ONCE. 106 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:26,827 I MISS HER, EARL. WITHOUT THAT WOMAN IN MY LIFE, I'M NOTHING. 107 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:29,563 [ Earl Narrating ] THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED WHAT WAS MISSING IN MY LIFE-- 108 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,665 THE ONE ADULT THING I DIDN'T HAVE YET: 109 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:35,268 A WOMAN TO LOVE AND SHARE A TINY GOLD HEART NECKLACE WITH. 110 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:39,407 TRUTH WAS, I'D MET A WOMAN A YEAR BEFORE I PROBABLY COULD HAVE FELT THAT WAY ABOUT. 111 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,341 HER NAME WAS ALEX THE PROFESSOR. 112 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:45,479 WE'D HAD A CONNECTION, BUT KARMA DIDN'T THINK I WAS READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP, 113 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,615 SO IT SENT BEES TO STING OUR FACES. 114 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,484 THE TIME WASN'T RIGHT THEN, BUT NOW I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS. 115 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,421 I HAD MADE A LOT OF PERSONAL PROGRESS SINCE THEN, 116 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,423 INCLUDING LEARNING THE PHRASE "PERSONAL PROGRESS." 117 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:59,793 [ Laughing ] STOP! STOP! STOP! NIPPLES ARE OUT-OF-BOUNDS! NIPPLES ARE OUT-OF-BOUNDS! 118 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,029 GUYS, STOP SCREAMING. I'M MAKING A CALL HERE. 119 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,131 [ Laughing ] [ Shouting ] 120 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,734 [ Woman ] YOU HAVE REACHED THE VOICE MESSAGE SYSTEM FOR-- 121 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,370 [ Alex ] ALEX MEYERS. [ Woman ] TO LEAVE A MESSAGE, PRESS ONE. 122 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:13,106 [ Woman ] YOU HAVE MADE AN INVALID ENTRY. 123 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,509 IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE, PRESS ONE. 124 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,878 I DON'T HAVE BUTTONS. I JUST HAVE HOLES. 125 00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:20,881 [ Laughing, Screams ] 126 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,417 [ Beeps ] WHOA. 127 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:26,153 HEY, RANDY. I THINK YOU JUST SCREAMED A ONE TONE. 128 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:29,957 UH, ALEX, THIS IS EARL HICKEY. 129 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,226 UH, YOU KNOW, THE GUY WITH THE LIST AND THE MUSTACHE. 130 00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:37,431 WELL, YOU TOLD ME TO CALL YOU, UH, WHEN I WAS READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP, AND, 131 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:41,401 WELL, I'VE MATURED, A-AND I THINK I'M READY FOR ONE NOW, SO... 132 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,637 GIVE ME A BUZZ. [ Chuckles ] 133 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,807 THAT-THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE. REMEMBER THE BEES? 134 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:48,776 UH, CALL ME. 135 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,779 [ Exhales ] 136 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,181 DAMN IT. I FORGOT TO LEAVE MY NUMBER. 137 00:06:56,550 --> 00:07:00,521 BOYS, WHEN I POINT TO YOU, TICKLE UNCLE RANDY UNTIL HE SCREAMS A ONE TONE AGAIN. 138 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,592 [ Earl Narrating ] I WANTED TO WAIT BY THE PHONE FOR ALEX TO CALL, 139 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:08,496 BUT I HAD TO USE MOST OF MY LUNCH HOURS TO FIND CHARACTER WITNESSES FOR JOY. 140 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,798 I STARTED WITH HER OLD BEST FRIEND LULU. 141 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,233 I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN A FEW YEARS. 142 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:17,571 LAST TIME SHE WAS HERE SHE DRANK TOO MUCH CHERRY WINE AND HAD A THREESOME WITH MY PARENTS. 143 00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,673 OH, YEAH. I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT. 144 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,775 WE WERE STILL MARRIED. 145 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:25,646 YEAH, THAT WAS NOT A FUN CAR RIDE HOME. [ Chuckles ] 146 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,649 WELL, UH, TH-THANKS ANYWAY. 147 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,918 [ Earl Narrating ] NEXT I WENT TO SEE JOY'S MINISTER. 148 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:34,254 YOU CAN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN A MAN OF GOD AS A CHARACTER WITNESS. 149 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:38,358 LAST TIME I SAW HER, SHE CAME TO CHURCH WEARING A DENIM BIKINI. 150 00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:40,360 WHEN I TOLD HER IT WASN'T APPROPRIATE, 151 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:43,564 SHE SAID, "YOU DON'T THINK JESUS WOULD WANT A PIECE OF THIS?" 152 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:48,235 I'LL PUT YOU DOWN AS A NO. 153 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,572 [ Earl Narrating ] LATER I ALMOST GOT A CELEBRITY TO GIVE JOY HIS ENDORSEMENT. 154 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,841 BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE HAD A SCHEDULING CONFLICT. 155 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,644 WELL, I'D LOVE TO, BUT MY FAMILY CALLED, 156 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,012 AND THEY JUST BOOKED ME A GUEST STAR ROLE... 157 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:02,415 ON SOME REALITY SHOW CALLED INTERVENTION. 158 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,753 SHOULD BE FUN. THEY'RE MEETING ME THERE. 159 00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,696 [ Earl Narrating ] SO I TOOK A LONG SHOT AND EVEN ASKED CATALINA. 160 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,665 GRACIAS POR VER NUESTRO PROGRAMA. 161 00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:19,733 LOS VAMOS A EXTRAÑAR ESTE VERANO. 162 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:23,937 ¿NO TE PARECE CÓMICO QUE EARL PIENSA QUE YO LE ESTOY DICIENDO CUÁNTO YO ODIO A JOY... 163 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,840 PERO EN REALIDAD LE ESTOY DICIENDO CUÁNTO LOS QUIERO? 164 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,842 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 165 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,811 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR ROOM? 166 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:33,113 THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR! 167 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:40,588 [ Man ] YOU GOT TWO NEW MESSAGES, FOOL. 168 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:44,157 [ Beeps ] HEY, EARL. IT'S ALEX. 169 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:48,996 IT WAS SO GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU. I'M SO HAPPY YOUR LIFE IS GOING WELL. 170 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,464 I HAVE SOME NEWS. 171 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,533 I GOT MARRIED TWO MONTHS AGO. 172 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:57,938 UM, I'M SORRY OUR TIMING DIDN'T WORK OUT. YOU'RE A GREAT GUY. 173 00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:01,174 I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE. YOU DESERVE IT. 174 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,277 [ Beeps ] [ Joy ] HEY, DUMMY. HURRY UP. 175 00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:07,080 MY DEAF LAWYER WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT NEEDING THOSE CHARACTER WITNESSES. 176 00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:11,585 SHE'S TALKING SO MUCH I THINK SHE SPRAINED HER PINKY. [ Laughs ] 177 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:14,988 HEY, TASHA. DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID ABOUT MY LAWYER? 178 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,157 NOW GIVE ME SOME OF THOSE DORITOS. 179 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,126 [ Beeps ] [ Sighs ] 180 00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,161 [ Earl Narrating ] I WENT TO JOY'S LAWYER'S OFFICE... 181 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,463 FEELING BAD THAT I DIDN'T FIND ANY CHARACTER WITNESSES... 182 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:27,768 AND EVEN WORSE THAT I'D NEVER FIND A WOMAN AS PRETTY AND SMART AS ALEX. 183 00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,805 HELLO? 184 00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:38,812 [ Earl Narrating ] AND THEN I MET RUBY. 185 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:47,054 I WAS PRETTY BLOWN AWAY WHEN I SAW JOY'S DEAF LAWYER FOR THE FIRST TIME. 186 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,156 IF MY HANDS COULD TALK, THEY WOULD HAVE SAID "WOW." 187 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,125 SHE THINKS YOU'LL BE A GOOD CHARACTER WITNESS. 188 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,894 ME? REALLY? 189 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:57,698 IS IT 'CAUSE I'M TALL AND HAVE A HANDSOME MUSTACHE? 190 00:09:57,765 --> 00:10:00,067 SHE DIDN'T MENTION THAT. 191 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,903 PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE'S NOT INTO THE VILLAGE PEOPLE. 192 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:06,674 "EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE GOT A BIT OF A CHECKERED PAST, 193 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:10,343 "THIS LIST SHOWS THAT YOU'VE REALLY TURNED YOUR LIFE AROUND. 194 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:14,314 UH, JUDGES AND JURIES EAT THAT STUFF UP." 195 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,784 WELL, TELL HER I'D BE HONORED TO BE A WITNESS. 196 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,852 I NEVER TOLD THE TRUTH IN COURT BEFORE. 197 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,055 "WE'RE TALKING ABOUT JOY'S CHARACTER. 198 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:25,325 TRY NOT TO TELL TOO MUCH OF THE TRUTH. HA, HA, HA." 199 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,360 [ Earl Narrating ] I COULDN'T TELL IF RUBY LIKED ME... 200 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:30,130 OR IF SHE WAS TOUCHING ME WITH HER TALKING HANDS AS PUNCTUATION. 201 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:33,233 BUT EITHER WAY, I LIKED IT. RANDY, I NEED YOUR HELP. I-- 202 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:37,404 SHH! YOU'RE GONNA WAKE 'EM UP. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THEY'VE SLEPT IN THREE DAYS. 203 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,741 - RANDY, HE'S GETTING ICE CREAM ON THE CARPET. - TOUCH 'EM AND YOU DIE! 204 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:44,077 I'M SORRY. I'M JUST A LITTLE FRAZZLED. 205 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,446 WHAT WAS IT YOU NEED HELP WITH? 206 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:51,184 WELL, I THINK I FOUND THE GIRL I'M SUPPOSED TO SHARE A TINY HALF-HEART GOLD NECKLACE WITH. 207 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:54,221 IS IT THE LANKY GIRL THAT ALWAYS DOES KARAOKE AT THE CRAB SHACK? 208 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,724 SHE WAS CRAWLING TOWARDS YOU WHEN SHE SANG "LIKE A VIRGIN." 209 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,759 NOPE. IT'S JOY'S DEAF LAWYER. 210 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:01,194 BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO ASK A DEAF WOMAN OUT. 211 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:03,764 WELL, SINCE SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. 212 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:06,199 JUST LOOK COOL WHILE YOU'RE SAYING IT, LIKE THIS. 213 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:12,139 ITTY BOTTON DOOZY. ITTY BOTTON WHOA. 214 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,576 [ Earl Narrating ] FOR ONCE I WAS EXCITED TO GO DOWN TO THE JAIL... 215 00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:18,545 'CAUSE IT MEANT I GOT TO SEE RUBY AGAIN. 216 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:20,781 HEY. HOW'S DARNELL HOLDING UP? 217 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,450 DARNELL? HE'S, UH-- 218 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,286 HE'S, UH-- 219 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,191 [ Bell Dings ] 220 00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,026 [ Hisses ] 221 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,228 THIS CRAB IS STILL ALIVE. 222 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:43,203 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR SODA. 223 00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,739 GOOD. [ Clears Throat ] HE'S GOOD. 224 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:49,042 [ Earl Narrating ] I DIDN'T WANT TO WORRY JOY WITH HOW FLAT CRABMAN'S HAIR WAS. 225 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,945 BESIDES, I WAS MORE INTERESTED IN LOOKING COOL FOR RUBY. 226 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:55,983 SHE WANTS TO KNOW, UH, ANY GOOD STORIES THAT WOULD MAKE A JURY FEEL SORRY FOR JOY. 227 00:11:56,049 --> 00:12:00,353 OH. TELL THEM HOW I HAD TO PUT A TOWEL OVER YOUR CHEST DURING SEX SO I WOULDN'T GET RUG BURNS. 228 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,389 - THAT'LL MAKE 'EM FEEL SORRY FOR ME. - NO, NO. 229 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:05,158 - WE CAN SKIP THAT. - NOT IF IT HELPS OUT MY CASE. 230 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,660 OH. TELL THEM HOW I HAD TO LISTEN TO YOU CRY... 231 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,998 ABOUT HAVING THOSE SEMI-GAY DREAMS ABOUT THAT GUY FROM 90210. 232 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,966 R-R-RUBY DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. 233 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,068 WHY DO YOU CARE IF SHE KNOWS? 234 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:20,107 OH, MY GOD. YOU WANT TO JUMP HER BONES. 235 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:23,043 NO, I DON'T. YES, YOU DO! 236 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:26,446 [ Singsongy ] EARL AND MY LAWYER SITTING IN A TREE-- 237 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:29,482 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WILL YOU STOP SIGNING EVERYTHING SHE'S SAYING? 238 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:35,155 I GOT THIS ONE, DOUG. MY STUPID EX-HUSBAND WANTS TO DO YOU. 239 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:38,091 - [ Laughs ] - IT'S OKAY. 240 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,662 MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS OVER DINNER. 241 00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:45,532 OH, MY GOD. YOU LIKE HIM BACK. 242 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,569 [ Laughs ] 243 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:52,339 THE GOOD THING IS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR HIS SEX SOUNDS. 244 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:55,308 - IT'S HAPPENING! IT'S HAPPENING! - JOY! 245 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,378 DOUG, I WILL TAKE THOSE HANDS AWAY FROM YOU! 246 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,547 [ Earl Narrating ] SO, ME AND RUBY WENT TO DINNER. 247 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:04,852 SINCE I'D NEVER BEEN ON A DATE WITH A DEAF LADY BEFORE, I WANTED TO BE PREPARED. 248 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,557 I CAN READ LIPS. 249 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,493 YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S JUST THAT I'M GONNA BE EATING IN A LITTLE BIT, 250 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:17,697 AND I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO STARE AT MY CHEWED-UP FOOD. OH. 251 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,032 OH. 252 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,678 OH, UH, THAT'S, UH-- THAT'S FOR-- FOR LATER. 253 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,814 YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE OF HANKY-PANKY. 254 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:37,550 LOOK. I-I'M SORRY. LET ME GET RID OF THAT. 255 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:42,489 HOLD ON TO THIS. YOU NEVER KNOW. 256 00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:47,727 [ Earl Narrating ] MAN, SOMETHING ABOUT HER ACCENT REALLY TURNED ME ON. 257 00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:52,099 AND LATER THAT NIGHT SHE DID MORE WITH MY LIPS THAN JUST READ 'EM. 258 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:01,641 YES. TWICE. 259 00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:05,378 [ Earl Narrating ] I WAS FEELING GOOD. I HAD A JOB, MY G.E.D., AN APARTMENT... 260 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,181 AND A HOT PROFESSIONAL DEAF GIRLFRIEND. 261 00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,183 AND IT WAS ALL 'CAUSE OF MY LIST. 262 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,153 THIS SHOWS SUCH GOOD CHARACTER. 263 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:16,023 WELL, I AM A CHARACTER WITNESS. 264 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,861 YOU COULD CROSS THIS OFF. 265 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,598 NUMBER 33-- BEEN A LAZY LOVER. 266 00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,600 WELL, THANK YOU, RUBY. 267 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,236 [ Mouths Words ] 268 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:32,072 AH, THAT MEANS "THANK YOU." 269 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,241 NOW I CAN UNDERSTAND TWO THINGS IN SIGN LANGUAGE: 270 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,409 "THANK YOU" AND "YOUR KNEE'S ON MY HAIR." 271 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:40,213 [ Earl Narrating ] MY LIFE WAS FINALLY PERFECT-- UNTIL RUBY READ MY LIST. 272 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,251 HEY. THIS IS ME. 273 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,055 [ Earl Narrating ] TURNS OUT THOSE LITTLE ETHNIC ROBOT KIDS... 274 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,757 WHO SANG "IT'S A SMALL WORLD" WEREN'T KIDDIN'. 275 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:54,494 COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, ME AND RANDY FOUND OUT THERE WAS A DEAF PERSON LIVING IN CAMDEN. 276 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:59,266 WE DECIDED IT'D BE REALLY EASY TO ROB HER. 277 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,335 RANDY, WHERE'D YOU GO? I GOT IN. 278 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,672 WHOO-HOO! ROBBING THE DEAF! 279 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,075 [ Cackles ] 280 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,777 OH, IT WASN'T ME. 281 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,780 I MEAN, IT WAS ME, BUT IT WAS THE OLD ME-- THE PREADULT EARL. 282 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:17,550 YOU STOLE MY CAT. WELL, TO BE FAIR, THE CAT FOLLOWED US. 283 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:20,387 THIS WAS A MISTAKE. 284 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:24,224 WELL, I DON'T THINK IT WAS A MISTAKE. I THINK IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. 285 00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:26,759 IN FACT, IT WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST NIGHTS I'VE EVER HAD. 286 00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:30,630 BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T HEAR A SINGLE WORD I'M SAYIN' RIGHT NOW. 287 00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,632 DAMN IT. 288 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,738 [ Earl Narrating ] THIS WAS IT. THE BIG DAY. 289 00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:40,673 JOY'S TRIAL. 290 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:45,612 AND WITH HER FACING THE POSSIBILITY OF GOING AWAY FOR LIFE, 291 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,281 I WANTED TO MAKE SURE THE JURY HAD A REAL GOOD VIEW... 292 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:51,451 OF DARNELL'S DROOPY HAIR AND THE KIDS' SAD LITTLE FACES. 293 00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:00,193 OH, THESE ARE, UH, SAVED FOR SOME KIDS. 294 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,163 UH, IT'S THEIR MOM'S FIRST TRIAL. IT'S KIND OF SPECIAL. 295 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:16,009 [ Earl Narrating ] I FELT AWFUL. I HOPED TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO RUBY AT THE TRIAL, 296 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,445 BUT IT WAS CLEAR SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME. 297 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:27,987 - HEY, CRABMAN. - HEY, CRABMAN. 298 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:39,932 I BROUGHT A WEEBLE FOR THE JUDGE TO WHACK WITH HIS WOOD HAMMER. 299 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,770 I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE WHAT MADE THESE THINGS NOT FALL DOWN. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NOSE? 300 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,372 THOSE KIDS ARE WILD, EARL. 301 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,007 WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, THEY SHOVED ABOUT 20 M&M's UP THERE. 302 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:51,878 HE'S BEEN SNEEZING THEM OUT FOR THE LAST HOUR. THEY MELT IN YOUR MOUTH BUT NOT IN YOUR NOSE. 303 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:54,514 [ Earl Narrating ] THE KIDS WERE CRAZY AND DARNELL WAS A MESS. 304 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,750 THIS FAMILY WAS COMING APART LIKE A BURRITO WITHOUT A TORTILLA. 305 00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,887 AND THIS FAMILY'S TORTILLA COULD BE GOING AWAY FOR LIFE. 306 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,889 EVEN WITH HER FUTURE AT STAKE, 307 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:06,025 SHE STILL KNEW A MOTHER'S JOB WAS TO MAKE HER KIDS FEEL COMFORTABLE. 308 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:09,662 HERE, BOYS. SAVED YOU MY PUDDING CUPS FROM MY LAST TWO LUNCHES. 309 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,031 [ Both ] THANKS. [ Man ] BE SEATED. 310 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:16,336 [ Earl Narrating ] THIS WAS IT. IT WAS FINALLY TIME FOR THE TRIAL TO BEGIN. 311 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:19,072 AND WE NEEDED EVERYTHING TO GO PERFECTLY. 312 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:20,740 [ Screams ] 313 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,443 THEN DOUG ATE ONE OF DARNELL'S LEMON SQUARES. 314 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:26,513 - THERE'S A RAZOR BLADE IN THIS! - [ Crowd Gasping ] 315 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:31,718 I'M SORRY, BABY. I MIGHT HAVE MIXED UP HIS BATCH OF SQUARES WITH YOURS. 316 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,521 DAMN IT. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP MY LEGS SMOOTH? 317 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,489 AND CUT BITCHES? 318 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,491 [ Earl Narrating ] SINCE DOUG COULDN'T INTERPRET FOR RUBY, 319 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,927 WE HAD TO FIND A NEW TRANSLATOR. 320 00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:43,796 WE DID FIND ONE, BUT, WELL, SHE DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH. 321 00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:46,533 [ Speaking Chinese ] 322 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,108 [ Earl Narrating ] WHICH MEANT WE HAD TO HAVE A TRANSLATOR FOR THE TRANSLATOR. 323 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,678 "WE WILL PROVE JOY TURNER IS GUILTY." 324 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:01,681 [ Chinese ] 325 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,584 [ Chinese ] 326 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:10,423 MY BAD. "NOT GUILTY." I'M SORRY. MY MANDARIN IS A LITTLE RUSTY. 327 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:14,093 [ Earl Narrating ] OUR DEFENSE TEAM HAD JOY A LITTLE WORRIED, 328 00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:17,464 AND IT DIDN'T GET BETTER WHEN THE OTHER TEAM LAID OUT THEIR EVIDENCE. 329 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:21,334 FIFTEEN SETS OF PRINTS MATCHING JOY TURNER'S. 330 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,771 WOW. 331 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,874 SO THIS IS ACTUALLY A SECURITY PHOTO OF THE DEFENDANT... 332 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:32,445 RUNNING TOWARDS THE TRUCK 30 SECONDS BEFORE IT WAS STOLEN. 333 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,815 WOW. 334 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,985 SHE WAS THERE MOMENTS BEFORE THE THEFT... 335 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,188 AND SEEMED THREATENING AND MENACING? 336 00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:43,690 SHE WAS CRAZED. 337 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,359 AND I'M NOT EXAGGERATING. I KNOW CRAZY WHEN I SEE IT. 338 00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:51,898 WHEN I WAS A BABY, MY MOTHER ONCE TRIED TO COOK ME. 339 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,402 SHE WAS BABY-COOKING CRAZY. 340 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,270 WOW. 341 00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:59,206 [ Chinese ] WE OBJECT! 342 00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:03,643 [ Earl Narrating ] LUCKILY, WHAT RUBY LACKED IN EARS, SHE MADE UP FOR IN BRAINPOWER. 343 00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:06,012 SHE DISCREDITED THE FINGERPRINTS. 344 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,014 [ Chinese ] 345 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:12,018 "AND THERE WERE 16 OTHER SETS OF UNIDENTIFIED PRINTS ON THE CAR. 346 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,986 NOW THAT IS A 'WOW'!" 347 00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:16,022 [ Chinese ] 348 00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,124 [ Earl Narrating ] AND SHE DISCREDITED THE WITNESS. 349 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,593 "IS IT TRUE THAT YOU HAVE CALLED THE CAMDEN POLICE DEPARTMENT... 350 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:24,497 THREE TIMES IN THE PAST YEAR TO REPORT A LIZARD IN YOUR KITCHEN?" 351 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:27,534 IT WAS A BABY ALLIGATOR. IT WAS A LIZARD! 352 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,902 [ Earl Narrating ] SHE EVEN DISCREDITED THE PHOTOS. 353 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:32,739 [ Chinese ] 354 00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:36,809 "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY THINGS CAN HAPPEN IN THE SPAN OF 30 SECONDS?" 355 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,279 [ Chinese ] 356 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:45,718 [ All Gasp ] 357 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,821 "I MAY BE A DEAF WOMAN, BUT EVEN I CAN HEAR... 358 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:52,425 THAT THESE PHOTOGRAPHS SCREAM 'NOT GUILTY.'" 359 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,964 DAMN, GIRL. DID YOU SEE HOW RED THAT PROSECUTOR'S FACE WAS? 360 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,932 HE LOOKED LIKE PRESIDENT WHAT'S HIS NAME PROBABLY DID... 361 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,034 WHEN HE FOUND OUT THAT INTERN KEPT THAT DRESS. 362 00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:06,439 YEAH, THAT WAS GREAT LAWYERING, RUBY. I WAS REALLY, REALLY IMPRESSED. 363 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,641 [ Muffled ] "LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES." 364 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,711 [ Groans ] THIS IS STUPID. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TALK? 365 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:13,413 STOP COMPLAINING. 366 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,248 YOU'RE MOCKING ME? 367 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,717 JUST DO YOUR JOB. 368 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,721 "LET'S NOT GET TOO EXCITED. 369 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:24,991 RIGHT NOW THE JURY COULD STILL GO EITHER WAY. IT'S STILL 50-50." 370 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,360 [ Earl Narrating ] RUBY EXPLAINED THAT THE TELLTALE SIGN... 371 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,929 OF A JURY ON THE FENCE WAS IF THEY WERE TAKING NOTES. 372 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:33,165 ONCE THEY STOPPED AND LEANED BACK, THEY HAD MADE THEIR DECISION. 373 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,967 WE SHOULD GET BACK IN THERE. 374 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:41,474 DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST-MINUTE ADVICE BEFORE I TAKE THE STAND? 375 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:44,611 YES. PRETEND YOU'RE NOT AN ASS. 376 00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,446 RUBY, PLEASE. 377 00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:50,517 CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS? I-I FEEL AWFUL. I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU. 378 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,187 [ Earl Narrating ] RUBY DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR MY EXCUSES, 379 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,958 BUT SHE MADE SURE THE JURY HEARD EVERYTHING I HAD TO SAY ABOUT JOY. 380 00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:02,495 AND EVEN WITH A HANGOVER, P.M.S. AND TWO INFECTED TATTOOS, 381 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:07,400 JOY STILL MANAGED TO BRING FIVE BUCKETS OF K.F.C. TO DODGE'S KINDERGARTEN GRADUATION. 382 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:11,304 [ Earl Narrating ] I COULD TELL THE JURY WAS WITH ME, SO I JUST KEPT TALKING. 383 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:14,574 AND WHEN OUR NEIGHBOR WAS SICK, SHE FED HIS TWO DOGS ALL WEEK. 384 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:18,711 SHE WOULD HAVE FED HIS CAT, BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD ONE. THAT WASN'T HER FAULT. 385 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,280 SHE KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "MY SHARONA." 386 00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:25,585 FLOODWATERS WERE UP TO HERE, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "COME ON, DUMMY. YOU CAN STAND ON MY CAR." 387 00:21:25,652 --> 00:21:28,220 SHE CRIED WHEN MR. ROGERS DIED. 388 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,724 SHE'S GOT A COOL LITTLE SONG SHE DOES THAT HELPS HER SPELL "MISSISSIPPI." 389 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,960 SHE CAN YODEL. 390 00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:39,298 HOW SHE BALANCED THAT DEAD PONY ON TWO PAIRS OF ROLLER SKATES I WILL NEVER KNOW. 391 00:21:39,366 --> 00:21:41,668 BUT EVERY SINGLE KID AT THAT PARTY GOT A RIDE. 392 00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:44,604 [ Earl Narrating ] WHEN I SAW THE JURY LEANING BACK AND SMILING, 393 00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:47,640 I KNEW MY WORK WAS DONE. AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, 394 00:21:47,707 --> 00:21:50,343 SHE WAS BORN IN THE U.S. OF A. 395 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:51,944 THANK YOU. 396 00:21:52,011 --> 00:21:54,347 THAT WAS FUN, HUH? 397 00:21:54,414 --> 00:21:56,416 [ Mouths Words ] 398 00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:58,685 [ Chinese ] "YOUR WITNESS, BITCH." 399 00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:02,422 OH. HE'S, UH-- HE'S STILL LEARNING ENGLISH. 400 00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:04,090 AFTERNOON, MR. HICKEY. 401 00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:07,093 - AFTER-- - YOU SAID SOMETHING THAT INTERESTED ME: 402 00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:11,398 THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JOY TURNER HAD UPS AND DOWNS. 403 00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:15,602 - WELL, IT WAS, UH, MOSTLY UP. - WAS IT AN UP WHEN SHE TRIED TO STRANGLE YOU... 404 00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:17,804 WITH THE LACES FROM YOUR OWN WORK BOOTS? 405 00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:20,072 OH, I DON'T THINK SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME. 406 00:22:20,139 --> 00:22:23,042 SHE WAS JUST SHOWING ME HOW SHE'D KILL ME IF SHE WAS GONNA KILL ME. 407 00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:26,078 - HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? - YOU TOLD ME. 408 00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:31,183 [ Woman ] 911. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY? [ Earl ] OH, MY GOD. 409 00:22:31,250 --> 00:22:34,421 YOU GOTTA SEND HELP. SHE'S TRYING TO STRANGLE ME WITH ONE OF MY WORK BOOTS. 410 00:22:34,487 --> 00:22:37,624 [ Joy ] THE HELL YOU NEED WORK BOOTS FOR ANYWAY? YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB. 411 00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,926 [ Earl ] JOY, STOP IT. [ Groaning ] 412 00:22:39,992 --> 00:22:42,729 STOP IT. I CAN'T BREATHE. HELP! HELP! 413 00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:48,067 - WOW. - OH, IT-- IT-IT SEEMS WORSE THAN IT WAS. 414 00:22:48,134 --> 00:22:52,004 SEE, I WAS EATING, UH, POWDERED DOUGHNUTS AND SOME SUGAR WENT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE. 415 00:22:52,071 --> 00:22:54,173 [ Earl Narrating ] I COULD SEE THE JURORS WERE STARTING TO WAVER AGAIN. 416 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,710 EVEN THE GUY WITH THE MUSTACHE. AND WE USUALLY STICK TOGETHER. 417 00:22:57,777 --> 00:23:00,079 [ Woman ] 911. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY? 418 00:23:00,146 --> 00:23:02,749 [ Earl ] HEY, CARMEN. IT'S EARL. SHE GOT INTO THE PAINT AGAIN. 419 00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:04,851 - THERE'S A BLUE RING AROUND HER MOUTH-- - UH-- UH-- 420 00:23:04,917 --> 00:23:07,153 WE WERE WORKING ON A HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECT. 421 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,856 [ Earl ] SHE JUST STABBED ME IN THE NECK WITH A BALLPOINT PEN. 422 00:23:09,922 --> 00:23:12,925 DOES ANYONE THERE KNOW IF I'M SUPPOSED TO LEAVE IT IN OR TAKE IT OUT? 423 00:23:12,992 --> 00:23:15,127 [ Earl Narrating ] FOR THE FIRST TIME I STARTED TO THINK... 424 00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:17,697 JOY WAS REALLY GONNA SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE IN JAIL. 425 00:23:17,764 --> 00:23:19,832 AND I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE. 426 00:23:19,899 --> 00:23:23,503 [ Earl ] I'M SCARED. I'M SO SCARED. PLEASE SEND SOMEONE SOON. 427 00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:25,772 [ Earl Narrating ] EVERYBODY WAS THINKING IT. [ Earl Screams On Tape ] 428 00:23:25,838 --> 00:23:29,375 [ Earl Narrating ] AND I FELT TERRIBLE BECAUSE IT WAS MY WORDS THAT WERE GONNA PUT HER THERE. 429 00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:32,979 [ Earl On Tape ] NO, HONEY. THIS ISN'T THE POLICE. UH, UH, I'M JUST ORDERING PIZZA. 430 00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:37,484 YEAH, YEAH. I'LL HAVE A-- A PEPPERONI. OW! NOT THE FACE! HELP! STOP IT! 431 00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:40,386 [ Earl Narrating ] AND AS EACH JURY PERSON MADE UP THEIR MIND, 432 00:23:40,453 --> 00:23:43,790 ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS A NICE FAMILY BEING TORN APART. 433 00:23:45,558 --> 00:23:47,226 [ Earl On Tape ] FOR GOD'S SAKE, HURRY. 434 00:23:47,293 --> 00:23:49,796 THERE'S ONLY TWO CLOSETS IN THIS TRAILER. SHE'S GONNA FIND ME. 435 00:23:52,665 --> 00:23:56,235 SHE PINNED ME DOWN AND PUT SALT IN MY EYES. I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S HERE. 436 00:23:56,302 --> 00:23:58,571 [ Groans ] I CAN'T SEE. 437 00:23:58,638 --> 00:24:02,174 JOY, PUT DOWN THE LIGHTER FLUID. NO! 438 00:24:04,844 --> 00:24:09,181 [ Earl Narrating ] SHE MEANT A LOT TO HER FAMILY, AND, WELL, SHE MEANT A LOT TO ME. 439 00:24:09,248 --> 00:24:12,351 [ Earl On Tape ] HEY, CARMEN. EARL AGAIN. YOU MIGHT WANT TO BRING THE DOGS THIS TIME. 440 00:24:12,418 --> 00:24:14,320 SHE JUST HIT A GIRL SCOUT WITH A ROCK. 441 00:24:14,386 --> 00:24:17,757 PLEASE HURRY. I'M HIDING BEHIND A TRAILER, BUT SHE'S GONNA SEE WHERE THE PHONE CORD-- 442 00:24:17,824 --> 00:24:19,992 OH, MY GOD. HERE SHE COMES. 443 00:24:20,059 --> 00:24:22,862 I THINK SHE'S GONNA THROW A PUPPY AT ME. 444 00:24:22,929 --> 00:24:25,798 BRING THE FIRE TRUCKS TOO. SHE JUST TORCHED THE KITCHEN. 445 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:28,467 THIS WOMAN SHOULD BE LOCKED UP. 446 00:24:28,535 --> 00:24:29,769 LOCKED UP FOR LIFE! 447 00:24:29,836 --> 00:24:32,104 - I DID IT. - [ All Gasp ] 448 00:24:32,171 --> 00:24:33,940 - WHAT? - EARL. 449 00:24:34,006 --> 00:24:38,077 MY PRINTS ARE ON THE TRUCK. LOOK CLOSER AT THOSE CRIME SCENE PHOTOS. 450 00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:42,481 THERE'S TWO SETS OF TIRE TRACKS. ONE OF THEM WILL MATCH MY EL CAMINO. 451 00:24:44,050 --> 00:24:47,186 JOY'S INNOCENT. I STOLE THE TRUCK. 452 00:24:51,891 --> 00:24:53,826 EARL. 453 00:24:57,229 --> 00:24:59,098 WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? 454 00:24:59,165 --> 00:25:02,268 WELL, I DON'T HAVE THREE STRIKES, AND... 455 00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:04,637 I ALSO DON'T HAVE A FAMILY. 456 00:25:04,704 --> 00:25:08,708 THEY NEED YOU. THANK YOU. 457 00:25:27,727 --> 00:25:29,696 [ Earl Narrating ] IT MADE SENSE. WHEN I CONSIDERED... 458 00:25:29,762 --> 00:25:31,964 ALL THE CRIMES I DID AND NEVER GOT CAUGHT FOR, 459 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:34,634 MAYBE THIS WAS KARMA'S WAY OF WANTING ME TO PAY. 460 00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:38,204 WHAT YOU DID FOR JOY-- 461 00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:40,707 IT SHOWED GREAT CHARACTER. 462 00:25:40,773 --> 00:25:43,976 [ Earl Narrating ] I WAS GONNA MISS THAT SEXY ACCENT. 463 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:46,913 THE SAD PART WAS THE THING THAT MADE HER LIKE ME AGAIN WAS... 464 00:25:46,979 --> 00:25:49,081 THE VERY THING THAT WOULD KEEP US APART. 465 00:25:49,148 --> 00:25:54,353 WELL, SINCE I HAVE NO MAJOR PRIORS, MAYBE I'LL BE BACK IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. 466 00:25:54,420 --> 00:25:56,322 MR. HICKEY, IT SHOWED GUTS... 467 00:25:56,388 --> 00:26:01,193 TO STEP UP AND NOT LET AN INNOCENT WOMAN GO TO JAIL. 468 00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:04,897 BUT WAITING THIS LONG TO DO IT... 469 00:26:04,964 --> 00:26:07,634 SHOWS THAT YOU'RE A PIECE OF TRASH. 470 00:26:08,968 --> 00:26:12,772 I SENTENCE YOU TO TWO YEARS IN THE STATE PENITENTIARY. 471 00:26:15,141 --> 00:26:18,911 [ Garbled ] TWO YEARS? SON OF A BITCH! 472 00:26:21,848 --> 00:26:25,451 [ Earl Narrating ] I'D TAKEN THE FALL SO JOY WOULDN'T HAVE TO GIVE ANYTHING UP, 473 00:26:25,517 --> 00:26:29,355 BUT NOW I WAS THE ONE GIVING SOMETHING UP. ** [ Rock ] 474 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:32,792 NOT JUST A PRETTY DEAF GIRLFRIEND. I WAS GIVING UP EVERYTHING. 475 00:26:32,859 --> 00:26:35,695 * THERE IS A HOUSE * I WAS GIVING UP MY APARTMENT. 476 00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:38,931 * IN NEW ORLEANS * 477 00:26:38,998 --> 00:26:42,568 * THEY CALL THE RISING SUN * 478 00:26:42,635 --> 00:26:45,271 [ Feedback Crackles ] 479 00:26:45,337 --> 00:26:48,207 * AND IT'S BEEN THE RUIN * 480 00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,442 * OF MANY A POOR BOY * 481 00:26:50,509 --> 00:26:54,681 I WAS GIVING UP MY JOB. * AND, GOD, I KNOW I'M ONE * 482 00:26:54,747 --> 00:26:58,084 HICKEY? HAS ANYBODY SEEN HICKEY? 483 00:27:00,953 --> 00:27:02,855 DAMN IT. 484 00:27:02,922 --> 00:27:05,057 ONCE A DOCKER, ALWAYS A DOCKER. 485 00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:11,563 * MY MOTHER WAS A TAILOR * [ Earl Narrating ] AND AFTER TWO YEARS OF CROSSING THINGS OFF, 486 00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:13,632 I EVEN HAD TO GIVE UP THE LIST. 487 00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:17,904 * SHE SEWED MY NEW BLUE JEANS * 488 00:27:19,505 --> 00:27:22,474 * MY FATHER WAS * DON'T FORGET TO THANK OLD DADDY. 489 00:27:22,541 --> 00:27:24,811 * A GAMBLING MAN * 490 00:27:24,877 --> 00:27:29,816 AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. * DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS * 491 00:27:33,352 --> 00:27:35,554 [ Earl Narrating ] I HAD FINALLY BECOME AN ADULT, 492 00:27:35,621 --> 00:27:37,656 ONLY TO HAVE EVERYTHING TAKEN AWAY. 493 00:27:37,724 --> 00:27:41,393 ** [ Continues ] 494 00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:49,135 I HAD NOTHIN'. 495 00:27:49,201 --> 00:27:51,137 I WAS ALL ALONE. 496 00:27:55,775 --> 00:27:58,310 HEY THERE, BUDDY. 497 00:27:58,377 --> 00:27:59,511 RALPH? 498 00:27:59,578 --> 00:28:02,414 THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE. 499 00:28:02,481 --> 00:28:05,517 LISTEN. AT LUNCH I SPIT IN SOME SKINHEAD'S EYE. 500 00:28:05,584 --> 00:28:08,154 WASN'T MY BEST DECISION. TURNS OUT HE'S GOT A PIPE GUN, 501 00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:11,423 HE'S GONNA COME AT US LATER IN THE YARD. 502 00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:13,860 SO, HERE'S A SOCK FULL OF BATTERIES. ALL RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY? 503 00:28:13,926 --> 00:28:16,328 IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN. 504 00:28:16,395 --> 00:28:19,031 * I GOT ONE FOOT ON THE PLATFORM * 505 00:28:20,599 --> 00:28:24,871 * THE OTHER FOOT ON THE TRAIN * 506 00:28:26,438 --> 00:28:31,243 * I'M GOING BACK TO NEW ORLEANS * 507 00:28:32,311 --> 00:28:36,415 * TO WEAR THAT BALL AND CHAIN **