You know the kind of guy who confesses to a crime he didn't commit...
so his ex-wife won't have to go to prison?
The kind of guy who leaves his brother all alone...
and his friends with nothin' to jump for?
Well, that's me. And for the next two years,
my name is inmate number 28301-016.
I survived my first night in prison, but I was terrified,
wondering what the next 729 days had in store.
But I was hopin' I'd be okay, since I had my good friend Ralph with me to watch my back.
Hey, Ralph.
Come on. Out of your bunk. Hands off junk.
[ Whimpering ] Oh, my God.
[ Ralph's Voice ] Hey, buddy. If you're readin' this, by now you know I'm long gone.
I had to get out of this godforsaken hellhole.
I would have taken you with me, but I got hungry last night, and I ate the other melon.
Sorry about that. Your buddy, Ralph.
P.S. I made a mouth hole in the melon for you, if you get my drift!
Rock and roll!
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Ralph paroled himself...
and left me with nothin' but a broken watermelon head and a lot of explaining to do.
Hey! Escape attempt, Cell Block 7.
[ Alarm Blaring ]
Oh, no. No, no, no! No, no, no, no!
[ Man On P.A. ] Lockdown. Lockdown. Escape attempt. [ Earl Groaning ]
** [ Rock ] ** [ Men Vocalizing ]
[ Man ] Move it.
** [ Continues ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Since there was a hole in my cell, I was moved to general population.
So I went from sharin' a private cell with my childhood friend...
to joinin' a two-year slumber party with murderers and rapists.
[ Man ] * I don't have your lovin' anymore *
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd been to county lockup plenty of times but never been to prison.
And prison life took some gettin' used to.
A typical day in prison can be broken down into several activities.
First, you wake up and make sure nothing's happened to your two most important things.
[ Sobbing ]
Next, you head over to the mess hall for breakfast.
Hey. Gonna eat your steak?
[ Earl Narrating ] Then you spend most of your day tryin' not to get too bored.
Seven. No.
Three. No.
Five. No.
- Six. - No.
- Two. - No.
Nine. Nice.
* Well, I want you, baby and that's all *
[ Earl Narrating ] Finally, it's time for bed.
And that's the hardest time of all, because then you're alone with just your thoughts.
* Hear me crying, baby Hear me crying * [ Man Sobbing ]
[ All Sobbing ]
The only thing that breaks the routine is when one prisoner tries to kill another.
If you're lucky, you're not the victim.
[ Alarm Blaring ] [ Man ] Lockdown.
[ Earl Narrating ] But no matter what, you still get punished.
And everyone gets searched.
Thoroughly searched. Gigitty-goo!
Not surprisingly, prison was turning out to be a miserable place.
But the one bright spot was visiting day, when I got to see my friends.
Some friends I got to see more of than others.
I don't think you realize what you're doin' to these prisoners, comin' in dressed like that.
I don't like to change at work. There's a new girl who steals your pants...
and then sells them back to you at unreasonable prices.
What do you got there, Randy? Oh, I'm not ready yet, Earl.
You go ahead, Darnell. Here you go, Earl.
Sometimes incarcerated people like yourself use their time in prison to get closer with God.
Those are some books I found to be helpful on my journey to find religion.
Holy Bible.
The Torah.
Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.
Thanks, Crabman.
Shalom, Earl. So where's Joy?
She's feelin' pretty guilty about you goin' to prison for her.
She didn't want to come empty-handed. [ Joy ] I give up.
I am just not crafty. What's the matter, baby?
This damn glass portrait of Earl.
I just can't make it give off his angelic essence.
I even stoled half this glass from a church window.
I like it. It looks exactly like Earl would look if he was made out of glass.
Does it matter if you like it, Darnell?
Were you the shining hero that sacrificed your freedom to save me from a life in prison,
havin' to pee in front of a short-haired woman named Trudy?
This is not good enough for Earl. I hate it!
I'll get the broom.
She'll come visit, once the search for the church window thief dies down.
There's a lot of heat right now.
It could be a while. They were Lutherans.
Okay. Everybody quiet. It's my turn.
First question. "Where do we hide the toothpaste?"
Behind the mirror.
The bathroom mirror. It pulls open from the left.
Cool! A secret compartment.
Your visiting time is over.
- Thanks for coming, guys. - What? No.
Darnell talked the whole time. I hardly got to ask any of my questions.
Wait. Earl. How do you set the alarm clock?
And what's our apartment number again?
I miss you.
[ Earl Narrating ] I would've worried more about how Randy was gonna make it on his own,
but I was more worried how I was gonna survive.
When you're the new guy in prison, everyone sizes you up,
and they test you daily.
One thing I do know is you can't let people think you're a punk.
And I'd always heard the best way to earn respect in prison...
is to walk up to the biggest guy and punch him as hard as you can.
[ Man ] * I got the pedal to the floor
* My life is runnin' faster
* I'm out of money out of hope *
* It looks like self-destruction **
[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, the closer I got, the bigger he seemed,
- and I lost my nerve. - Hello.
The problem is, gangs in prison are divided up like my dad's sock drawer: by color.
I was too white to join the Latino gang,
the Asian gang or the black gang,
and not white enough to join the albino gang.
I'm tellin' you, man. We gotta take back the shady part of the yard.
[ Earl Narrating ] So I went with the only gang that might take me:
the white supremacists.
Which meant unlearnin' what every Afterschool Special had taught me: "Don't be yourself."
Hey. Who else thinks the Civil War ain't over, it's just halftime?
All right.
I'm just sayin' I don't see why I have to shave my head.
Hate's in your heart, not in your hair.
Forget it. I'm out.
Geez, you'd think the superior race wouldn't be so threatened by new ideas.
[ Earl Narrating ] I had just about given up hope of findin' a gang to join...
when finally I saw a crowd I thought I could hang with.
The old-timers.
The one group that had obviously figured out how to survive in prison.
Come on. You can't put me all in. You only got one cashew.
Hey, guys. Got room for one more?
Sure thing, young man. Take a seat.
[ Sighs ] I'm Charlie. This is Whiskey Pete,
Philadelphia Mike, John and Skinny John...
and Old Dirty Neck.
[ Chuckles ] That sure is one dirty neck.
I'm Skinny John, you jackass.
[ Earl Narrating ] They may not have been the toughest gang,
but they were a gang, and they had obviously figured out how to survive in prison,
and that made me feel safer.
Greta Garbo, Judy Garland and Mae West.
That's easy. I'd take Greta Garbo for a milk shake,
Mae West to the drive-in, and I'd kill Judy Garland.
Who would you take to the drive-in, Earl?
No, that's okay. You guys play.
What's the matter? Don't you like broads? No, I love broads.
What, then? You don't like talkin' about killin' broads?
I don't know. It just seems kind of creepy, 'cause all those broads are dead.
- What? - Oh, my God! Was there a plane crash or somethin'?
How long have you guys been in here?
[ Earl Narrating ] And then I realized the reason...
these guys let me in their gang wasn't for my survival-- it was for theirs.
You're not takin' our nuts anymore, you big palooka!
We got us some young blood now!
Get him, Earl!
[ Groans ]
Pistachio?
You like it? I used up all my felt.
It's amazing. These are all scenes from my life?
Yeah. It's like a straight version of one of those AIDS quilts.
Thank you, Joy. I won't forget this.
[ Chuckles ] That's when I got chicken pox. And you were...
off bangin' Darnell.
Well, I was tryin' to be accurate.
Thanks.
You hate it. I knew you'd hate it.
Joy, I don't hate it. I said it was nice.
No, I see how it is. I mean, you like me feeling guilty.
No matter how many of the kids' winter coats I cut up for you,
we'll never be even, because you like holdin' this over my head, don't you?
Well, bravo, you son of a bitch!
- Bravo! - Do I have time for a question right now?
Wait your damn turn, you stupid yeti. By the way,
would you tell your brother to stop callin' every 20 minutes, askin' what time it is?
- Dumb-ass already lost his job. - That's 'cause no one will show me how to set this thing.
- I'm not a scientist. - Okay, Randy,
what's your question?
[ Clears Throat ]
"Can I borrow money for the vending machine?"
You're the one with access to the bank account.
The bank closes at 5:00. My clock always says it's 12:00 a.m.
You want some change?
- Go fetch. - [ Coins Clink ]
I swear, that boy's not gonna survive without you.
He keeps carrying around one of your old shirts 'cause he misses your smell.
Yeah, he seems to be havin' a little trouble lettin' go.
Hey, Earl. Hey, Randy.
How'd you sleep last night? It was scary out here. I saw a possum.
Wait a second. If you want things to be even with us,
how about you let Randy move in with you, keep an eye on him for me?
Oh, hell, no. On the way over here, he got his hand stuck in the tape deck.
I can't put up with that crap. Come on, Joy. You said you wanted to even the score.
I mean, this could really help.
All right. I'll do it.
Joy, can you throw more money on the floor?
I want to get myself an ice cold drink.
You know what? This might be fun.
[ Earl Narrating ] Now that I knew Randy would be looked out for,
I could get back to figuring out how to look out for myself.
[ Groans ]
Sonny?
Sonny was a guy I used to play a game called Beer Can Tag with back in the day.
I got you, Earl. You're it. You're it!
Ain't no use runnin', fool. I know where your mama parks your house!
[ Earl Narrating ] After that, Sonny just disappeared.
Well, everybody's always askin' what happened to you.
Oh, yeah? I mean, for the first couple weeks anyway.
Then, you know, life goes on. Yeah.
Can't believe you got two years in prison for hittin' a cop with an empty beer can.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah, well, I also kind of wrestled the cop's gun away,
and then, you know, drove around with him in the trunk of his own car for a few hours.
[ Chuckles ] It was a crazy day.
How come this is the first time I've seen you?
Because this is the first time I wanted you to see me.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Sonny figured out another way to survive in prison:
be invisible.
And he agreed to teach me how to do it.
I learned things like two fat guys sittin' on a bench didn't have to be scary.
They could also be a nice shady place to hide and play cards.
[ Man ] * Pretty soon I'll be scratching fleas *
* Move it on over
* Slide it on over
* Move over, nice dog A mean ol' dog is movin' in *
And if you didn't mind scorching hot water and wrinkled feet,
you could hide out in the showers practically all day.
* Move it on over
And if you can deal with not chewin' your food and a little indigestion,
you don't have to spit on your lunch so no one will take it from you.
* Move over, cool dog A hot dog's movin' in **
No, no, no, no, no. You press the set time button to set the time,
and you press the set alarm button to set the alarm.
Oh. Set the time to set the time.
Set the alarm to set the alarm.
Why didn't you tell me it rhymes?
There you go. You have a good night.
And if you need anything, we'll be right back there.
If possible, could you try not to need anything for the next 20 minutes or so?
We're gonna go... balance the checkbook.
No, wait. Look.
Earl usually talks to me till I fall asleep.
The checkbook. I've got to transfer some funds, baby.
I'll be right in. You go sharpen your pencil.
You know we're not really balancing the checkbook, right?
Okay, you got three minutes, or else he finishes without me.
- What do you want to talk about? - Time travel.
- No. Horses. - All right. Horses.
No, no, no, no. Sea horses.
Sea horses in space.
Travel-- No, time travel.
So you got a girl waitin' for you on the outside?
Well, I was startin' to see this deaf lawyer lady,
but once I got into prison, we decided to start seein' other people.
That's kind of a better deal for her.
Yeah, I figured that out, but it was after I'd already agreed. Oh.
Sorry, man.
No problem. You're new here, right?
Want a candy bar? Really?
- Thanks. - No! Walk away.
[ Mouths Word ] [ Whispers ] Walk away.
What part of "stay invisible" don't you understand?
It was just a candy bar. Just a candy bar?
Wake up, man. You almost fell for the oldest prison scam there is.
He wants you to owe him something. Today he "gives you" a Snickers bar,
and tomorrow he's gonna expect a Zagnut bar.
Do you know where to get a Zagnut bar, Earl? No.
Damn. 'Cause I owe a guy one. I don't even know if they make 'em anymore.
See, some guy gave me a candy bar once-- a real maniac-- and now I owe him a favor.
In prison, a favor can get you killed.
So, trust me. Do not owe anybody anything, and stay invisible.
You might make it out of here in one piece.
Oh, crap.
What's wrong? That's Glen Shipley. I know him.
[ Earl Narrating ] When I knew Glen, he was a Camden Scout.
Even though you only had to wear your uniform if you were goin' to a Scout meeting,
Glen was so proud, he wore it every day.
You see, the regular Scouts left Camden County years before...
when a local militia group got caught usin' the Scouts to round up illegal aliens.
[ Chattering ]
** [ Punk Rock ]
[ Men ] * Hey, ho
[ Earl Narrating ] So in Camden we had Camden Scouts.
And back when I was an amateur criminal, I often used them as unknowing accomplices.
So what happened was I lost my keys,
and I need to get in there, so I can get my TV and VCR...
and anything else expensive I happen to see.
If I boost you up through the window, will you climb in and open the door for me?
Well, the Camden Scout motto is Always Be Helpful.
* Hey, ho
* Let's go [ Crashes ]
[ Dogs Barking ] Oh, God! Oh, God! It's got my neckerchief!
* Hey, ho Let's go * [ Screaming ]
Wow. Seems like that guy should be on your list.
He is. I think he's number one hundred and somethin'.
- Do you think he still remembers you? - I don't plan to find out.
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd never turned my back on someone on my list before.
It just wasn't like me.
But I realized that if I was gonna survive in prison,
I wasn't gonna be able to be like myself.
Our fat guys are on the move. Get ready to hitch a ride.
Sonny?
I see you, Earl Hickey!
[ Shouts ]
- [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Man ] Lockdown.
Hands where I can see 'em. I'm comin' for you, Earl!
I'm gonna rip off your ears and shove 'em up your butt...
just so you can hear me kickin' your ass!
[ Earl Narrating ] In prison, when they want you to cool off,
they put you in somethin' called the hotbox.
Which doesn't make much sense, but...
neither does puttin' a bunch of violent criminals together...
and expectin' them not to break the rules. Where are you, Earl Hickey?
I'm gonna find you!
I'm gonna track you down and wear your pelt!
I see you!
You're hidin' behind the fat guy.
Now you're hidin' behind the skinny guy.
That doesn't even make sense.
[ Earl Narrating ] Sonny had ratted me out, and I wanted to know why.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Remember I told you I had owed some guy a Zagnut bar?
Well, Glen is the guy. I should kick your ass!
Shh!
Look. You're makin' a scene.
Invisible. Invisible. Invisible.
Invisible? You blew that for me.
Now Glen can see me clear as day.
Yeah, but I'm still invisible.
Come on. Please.
Okay.
Okay, look. I'm tryin' to stay calm with this here.
What are we gonna do about this?
Sonny?
Son of a bitch!
- [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Man ] Lockdown.
[ Earl Narrating ] All I would've had to do was stay away from Glen.
But as it turned out, karma had a different plan.
- You're a dead man, Earl Hickey! - Holy Moses!
I'm gonna kill you, Earl! I'm gonna rip off your face and wear it to the Ugly Ball!
That's scary and hurtful, Glen. You're a dead man.
[ Earl Narrating ] My Uncle Roger once had a pet pig. Mostly it was an okay animal,
but when it got mad, you just had to stand back and let it squeal itself out.
So I decided to handle Glen the same way.
I'm gonna wear you like a puppet on my fist,
and then get in a punch fight with a man made of razor blades!
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was tryin' to keep from gettin' killed by Glen,
Joy was tryin' to keep Randy from gettin' killed by Randy.
Whoa! Whoa! What the hell are you doin'? [ Horn Honks ]
Oh, my God. You almost walked out in front of that truck.
Oh, I don't look where I'm goin'. It's kind of my thing.
But just let me know if I'm about to walk into somethin', like Earl does.
[ Earl Narrating ] Although she was discovering that Randy took...
a lot more taking care of than she expected.
It's so beautiful.
Randy! That thing zaps bugs.
What do you think it's gonna do to your finger?
Yeah, you're right.
Randy!
For the love of God, pick something.
I'm sorry. I usually just order what Earl gets.
[ Darnell ] Well, Randy, I talked to the prison,
and they said Earl was having duck à l'orange and caviar pie.
I think the guy was being facetious, but we don't have it anyway, so it doesn't matter.
We may not know what Earl would order,
but we could find out what Little Earl would order.
Stop it. He is gettin' way too dependent on that thing.
Grilled cheese looks pretty good, Randy.
[ Earl Narrating ] And after two days, the only thing keepin' Joy from killin' Randy...
was the promise she made to me.
All right. Fine. I'll warn you if you're about to walk into somethin'.
Don't walk.
Okay, walk. Go.
Go. Go!
Go, go, go!
I feel like I'm playing Frogger.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Glen had a little bit more stamina than Uncle Roger's pig.
Probably 'cause Glen didn't smoke.
I'm gonna yank out your skeleton,
like a cartoon bear eatin' a fish,
and use it to beat your soul!
I'm gonna stick a broom down your throat,
flip you upside down, take you to the barber, sweep up all the dirty hair.
I'm gonna rip off your skin, wear it like a tracksuit,
and then I'm gonna roll around in broken glass, and then put you back in it!
I'm gonna rip off your hands, put 'em where your feet go,
rip off your feet, put 'em where your hands go,
and I'm gonna point at you, and I'm gonna laugh.
[ Earl Narrating ] But eventually, even tar-free lungs wear themselves out.
I'm gonna rip out your hair, put it in a jar.
I don't know.
Mail it to the pope.
With a salmon.
Glen,
first I'd like to say that I'm impressed with the creative ways you thought of killin' me.
The one with my heart as a cue ball and apes playin' pool-- scary.
But are you sure you got the right guy?
I mean, I vaguely remember hearin' about you fallin' in a window,
and maybe-- I don't know-- somethin' about a dog or somethin'.
"Somethin' about a dog"?
There were two of 'em, attacking me.
They fought over my body!
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I found out the dog attack was just the beginning.
[ Screaming ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Glen was arrested for breaking and entering,
burglary and vandalism.
[ Dog Barking ] And when the police dog broke a tooth on his shinbone,
he was also charged with assaulting an officer.
That stupid judge sent me to Juvie for six months.
Got in a fight, got more time, got in another fight, slimed a guard,
tried to escape, got out,
stole something, went back in, got out,
robbed a mini-mall, threw rocks at the mayor.
Hell, if I think about it, Earl, everything I did was your fault.
Well, I don't know if you can really blame me for everything.
- I mean, personal choice seems to have-- - Son of a bitch!
I will twist your yam sack like a balloon animal!
Okay, okay! You know, on second thought,
I can see how you could connect the dots like that.
Look. How about I do somethin' to make us even?
Like, uh,
I hear you like candy bars.
I got some people on the outside who could track down a-- a Zagnut.
Make me a shiv. A shiv? Like a knife?
Or like an ice pick. Or an ax. Or a cheese slicer. Surprise me.
[ Earl Narrating ] Generally I tried not to break rules...
in order to cross things off my list.
But I wasn't as worried about my list as I was about surviving.
And besides, I wasn't me anymore.
I was prisoner number 28301-016.
Okay, a shiv it is.
[ Randy ] Hey, Joy?
Joy. Joy. Joy.
What, Randy?
Do you know if that TV show Riptide is gonna be on tonight?
I swear to God, Darnell. I can't keep livin' like this.
That show hasn't been on for 20 years.
Oh. Then what's the show I'm thinkin' of?
You know, the one with the monkey.
- I think he means B.J. and the Bear. - Don't you dare tell him that.
Once he knows, he'll start tellin' us about every episode.
Oh, wait. I think it's B.J. and the Bear. Damn it.
Remember the one where they were drivin' that semi together?
[ Sighs ] Okay. That's it. This ends now.
Push.
Joy, why would B.J. name his monkey Bear?
Because B.J. was a huge Alabama fan, and he named him after the legendary coach Bear Bryant.
You happy? Now listen. We gotta talk.
As you know, I promised Earl I would take care of you--
- And I really appreciate it, Joy. - Not done yet.
But after the last few days, I've realized something.
You're not just dumb. You're broken.
Like a daddy longlegs after the kids pull his legs off.
It's just a little vibratin' ball that can't do nothin' for itself. That's you.
I'm a spider ball?
Yeah. And you're a burden to your brother. I could babysit you for two years,
but when Earl gets out of prison, you wouldn't be any better.
And you don't want to be albacore around your brother's neck, do you?
No.
Is this because I peed on the kids?
It was the middle of the night. I took a wrong turn.
It's because of a lot of things, Randy. Like...
that dumb look you got on your face all the time.
Or the fact that...
you think there's a left sock and a right sock.
But don't you worry.
We're gonna work everything out, startin' with this late-night talkin'.
Oh, you can't breathe because of your deviated septum, can you?
I saw that on MASH. Night.
[ Randy Panting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Since it was my first time in the cage, I got out before Glen,
who, from what I heard, seemed to spend more time in there than his cell.
To survive in prison, I needed to stay invisible.
But I also needed to get Glen a shiv.
I was familiar with the different types of shivs.
There was the sharpened toothbrush, the razor comb.
There was the Tighty-Whitey-Mighty-Fighty somehow made out of underwear.
There was even one made out of soap.
But the one made out of soap had its downside.
I decided I was gonna make Glen's with an arm from a pair of glasses.
- I was gonna call it the Peeper Reaper. - How about you?
Would you hate Martin Luther King more if he'd been Indian?
Okay, yeah. I'd hate him more if he'd been Indian.
Unless he was Cherokee.
A Cherokee once saved my black grandpa from drowning.
Oops.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was relieved...
when a couple days later Glen got out of the hotbox.
Mostly 'cause I wanted him out of my life.
But also because when you hide a shiv in your pants for two days,
you can't help but have a few mishaps. You got it?
Nice. Thanks. I made it out of a pair of glasses.
Sharpened it on the asphalt.
Then I wrapped one of my socks around it for a handle.
You could stab all day and not get a blister.
[ Earl Narrating ] I hoped karma would understand I had no choice but to give Glen that shiv.
[ Screams ]
[ Alarm Blaring ] [ Man On P.A. ] Lockdown. Lockdown.
Mother! [ Earl Narrating ] She didn't.
After Glen stabbed me, I realized two things.
Until I did my list item right, karma wasn't gonna let me be invisible.
- And prison health care sucks. - Okay. You're done.
There may be some shiv left in the bone, so if your arm turns black, tell a guard.
That was quite a shiv. Thank you.
Wow. That Glen's got the worst luck.
Excuse me?
Every year, when he's up for parole, somebody pisses him off,
and he breaks one of the big seven. The big seven?
Things that keep you from getting out.
You know, stabbing, burning, biting, strangling,
eye-gouging, scalping and taking a poop in the urinal.
Wait. So he messes up right before parole every time?
- Why would he do that? - You know what I figured out about prison?
There are a lot of guys in here without clearly thought-out plans.
[ Earl Narrating ] Glen didn't want to get out of prison,
and I wanted to know why.
And finally, after hours of wandering, my fat guy walked by the hotbox so I could ask.
Hey, Glen. You got a minute?
[ Groans ] What the hell do you want?
Look. I'm not gonna beat around the bush, Glen.
I think you've been blowin' your parole on purpose, and I want to know why.
[ Groaning ]
[ Man ] * Pleased to meet you
* Hope you guess my name
Look. Just hear me out before you kill me.
[ Earl Narrating ] So I took the plunge and did...
what I should've done the first time I saw Glen.
I told him all about my list and how he was on it. And how if I was gonna be right with karma,
I had to do somethin' better than a shiv to make it up to him.
You really got a list of bad things you make up for?
Yeah. I even helped a whole town of circus freaks.
Damn it. Not supposed to call 'em freaks.
Irregular Americans.
Well, I don't give a sand-covered cat's crap if you know.
Yeah, I'm blowin' parole.
Why?
'Cause life on the outside ain't no good for me no more.
[ Earl Narrating ] Glen told me how, when he first got into Juvie,
he was so worried about surviving, he changed the way he was...
and did things to make himself look as tough as he could.
Like gettin' tattoos before he even knew what cusswords were.
* But what's confusing you
* Is just the nature of
And after years of changing himself, he was so believable as a badass,
it's how people on the outside saw him too.
* Just as every cop is a criminal *
- Can I help you? - * And all the sinners saints
- I'm lookin' for a job. - Please don't hurt me. I don't want to die.
My PIN number's 8432.
* 'Cause I'm in need of some restraint *
* So if you meet me
[ Earl Narrating ] Even when he was doin' somethin' good,
like goin' back to the liquor store to tell 'em how they'd given him too much change,
people still judged him on how he looked.
* All your well-learned politesse *
* Or I'll lay your soul to waste *
[ Earl Narrating ] It didn't take long before a badass criminal...
was the only way Glen saw himself.
So that's how he acted.
* But what's puzzling you
* Is the nature of my game *
Every time he got out, he'd take one look at himself and do the same thing.
Again and again and again.
Until he decided to stop wasting everyone's time and just stay in prison.
My God, Glen. I-- I feel terrible.
All this stuff is my fault.
It's my fault you got locked up, and it's my fault you're afraid to get out.
I'm afraid of no man! [ Echoes ]
[ Stammers ] Afraid to get out. I said afraid to get out.
Oh, yeah. Well, that's true.
[ Earl Narrating ] The next day, Glen got out of the box, and I had a chance to tell him...
I wanted to do somethin' to help him live on the outside again.
I want to do somethin' to help you live on the outside again. That'd be cool.
Somethin' big. I mean, I practically took your life.
I always wanted to go to Mars.
Smaller. Somethin' smaller.
I'm out of stamps.
Okay, somethin' between stamps and Mars.
Somethin' important to you.
Maybe, uh, somethin' you cared about before you became a criminal.
I know.
My Camden Scout badges.
Camden Scout badges? How's that gonna help you?
If I hadn't gone to Juvie,
I would've been the first kid in Camden to get a-- an honor sash.
I was only two badges away.
God, I miss bein' a Camden Scout.
My neckerchief fluttering in the morning breeze.
Sneakin' upstairs during meetings to smell the scoutmaster's daughter's shoes.
And the knots, Earl.
The knots I could tie.
[ Earl Narrating ] It was the second time Glen asked me to do somethin' for him.
But from the look in his eyes, I knew it was the first time I was gonna do it right.
All right. I'm in. Where do we start?
I need my archaeology badge.
We could dig in the west yard.
We'd just have to talk to those guys over there. They control it.
[ Earl ] The albinos?
And I need my natural science badge.
That's bug collecting. That should be pretty easy. The barracks are--
Most of 'em are infested.
You just gotta make deals with the gangs that control 'em.
[ Earl Narrating ] Lookin' around that yard, I knew I was in trouble.
Not only was I gonna lose my last bit of invisibility,
I was gonna have to make deals with the most dangerous people in the place.
If karma was plannin' on killin' me, I was hopin' she'd do it quick.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was about to go against everything Sonny had taught me.
Owin' favors would make you the most visible you could become.
And I was about to owe a lot of 'em. Excuse me.
What do you want, Hawaiian Tropics?
Um, I'm helpin' a guy get his archaeology badge for Camden Scouts.
Nerd. Yeah.
Anyway, uh, we need someplace to dig,
and I hear this is the best spot,
so I guess what I'm saying is... I need a favor.
Okay. We want umbrellas. Eight of 'em.
Okay.
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was puttin' my faith in karma to keep me safe,
Joy was puttin' her faith in a different power: tough love.
Gotta learn to think on his own. Make his own choices.
[ Men ] * You, who are on your own
[ Electricity Crackles ] [ Randy Whimpers ]
* Must have a code
* That you can live by Tough love, Darnell. Tough love.
* And so
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy had a lot of faults, but she did have a natural gift for teaching.
* Because the past is just a good-bye *
And while Randy may have been a slow learner, Joy kept after him,
teaching him things he should've learned a long time ago,
like clothes you find in the gutter might be free,
but, well, they're probably not disease-free.
Or how to make his brain and his belly communicate better.
I'll have the chicken.
No, wait. Uh, the crab claws.
No.
- How's the tuna salad? - Not as good as the chicken salad,
but better than gettin' smacked in the neck with a big-ass rubber band.
Hmm.
Choose, dummy! God, think for yourself!
Take the crab claws.
- ¡Ay! - I'll have what the puppet's having.
[ Earl Narrating ] And eventually all that pain turned into some gain.
* Did slowly go by *
You stopped!
Did you do that on purpose or on accident?
Don't you lie to me. On purpose.
My brain told my feet to stop, and they did.
My brain's never been smarter than my feet before. I'm proud of you, Randy.
Now if we can just get you to stop walkin' around with your brother's shirt...
like a giant-headed hillbilly Linus, you'll be fixed.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was havin' success too,
although I knew every deal I made was another favor I owed.
I need some spoons to dig with. Escape?
Archaeology.
I don't know that word.
But you know spoons, though, right?
Okay. Okay, you got it.
But I need a favor. I want you to get everyone out of this prison for an entire day...
so I can have this place to myself.
- Okay. I'll work on that. - [ Man ] * As soon as you are able
[ Earl Narrating ] And with every favor I asked, I felt a little less safe.
Anyway, I'm gonna need some brushes to clean off...
whatever we find when we dig for archaeology.
You got it.
But I'm gonna need you to take care of my dog Simon.
* Same old story
* Oh, turn some pages
And if you lose him, I'll kill you.
* Here when you are ready *
[ Earl Narrating ] And every favor I asked meant another scary prisoner knew I existed.
So far we've already collected lice and hookworms,
and word in the yard is you have maggots.
Yeah. But they're cleanin' the dead flesh out of my back wound.
You could take 'em, but then you gotta clean the dead flesh out of my back wound.
[ Earl Narrating ] Pretty soon, we had everything we needed.
For his archaeology badge, we stumbled on the spot where, in the old days,
the guards played a game they called Kick the Prisoner in the Face.
Save the molars. We could use them to make dice.
[ Earl Narrating ] For his natural science badge,
we collected lice, hookworms and maggots.
All we needed now were some roaches.
Okay, hit it.
Okay. Lights on.
[ Earl Narrating ] And the thing I thought would be the hardest turned out to be the easiest.
Excuse me.
For those of you who don't know me yet, uh,
I'm helpin' a guy get some badges.
Does anyone here happen to be a scoutmaster?
[ Earl Narrating ] And just like that, Glen got his last two badges...
and was finally awarded his honor sash. [ Gate Buzzes ]
And when the parole board heard what a change he'd made in himself,
they finally gave him his parole.
And Glen was happy to be out.
But, while people were no longer afraid of him,
they still judged him by the way he looked.
Yo, check out the old dude in the Scout uniform.
"Be prepared"... to never get laid!
[ Earl Narrating ] Glen thought about goin' back to his old stealin' ways.
But for the first time, the way other people saw him didn't matter as much.
What mattered was how he saw himself.
Prison debts are bad, so it was nice knowin' I had paid mine to Glen.
It would have been nicer if there weren't a ton of other convicts I owed favors to now.
Yeah, I-- I know. I know. I gotta get everybody out of here for a day.
I-- I'm tryin' to organize a huge field trip to the aquarium.
They haven't called me back. You got rid of Glen.
That's a start, right? One guy down, 1,200 to go.
Don't worry about it. That Glen was causin' all those stupid lockdowns.
Makin' me crazier than my mom before I chopped her up.
Anyway, thanks for gettin' him out of here.
You don't owe me anything.
Hey, Earl. Man, thanks for the peace and quiet.
You don't have to keep taking care of Simon. We're square.
Aren't you gonna give him back to me?
Oh, right.
Whoa. You're so big.
What's that man been feeding you?
[ Earl Narrating ] The next two years were gonna be hard, but...
now I knew I couldn't survive 'em by doin' the same thing Glen had:
lettin' prison turn me into someone I wouldn't recognize.
I realized that no matter how scared I get,
if I'm gonna survive in prison, I have to do it as myself.
'Cause my name isn't inmate number 28301-016.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy had spent weeks doin' her best to fix Randy.
And then one day, her big-headed hillbilly Linus...
left his blanket behind and was ready to make decisions on his own.
And the first thing he decided to do was move back in with me.
Oh, my God! I'm stealin' a car!
Look at me! Someone call the police!
I should be in prison with my brother!
Hello? Stealin' a car!
I'm stealin' a car!
Come and get me!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
That's the car alarm. I'm stealin' this car.
Can't you hear the car alarm? [ Imitating Alarm ]