1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,471 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:06,174 [ Door Buzzes ] 3 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,709 [ Sighs ] Why are you touchin' me? 4 00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:11,845 Where's that female guard that looks like the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers? 5 00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:14,682 She's sick today, so they said I get to frisk all the women, 6 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:18,186 'cause if someone sues, I got the least stuff to lose. 7 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,092 Randy! 8 00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:29,497 Here. Brought you some cupcakes, some socks I made and some magazines. 9 00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,565 Since they won't let me bring in nudie mags, 10 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,901 I drew naughty parts on all the people in the TV Guide. 11 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:37,505 Joy, how many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to keep bringin' me stuff. 12 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:41,075 Earl, every day I feel more and more "terribler" that you're in here. 13 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:44,712 I mean, if you'd never met me, you wouldn't be sittin' in this prison right now... 14 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:49,817 with a bunch of filthy, no-good hopheads who would cut your throat if they only had-- 15 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:53,521 Hey, I know that guy. He used to work at the Crab Shack back in the day. 16 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,157 You don't know him, but his name is-- Frank? 17 00:00:56,224 --> 00:01:00,394 Earl? Earl Hickey? 18 00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:03,164 [ Earl Narrating ] I hadn't seen Frank in over seven years. 19 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,032 It was right around the time me and Randy... 20 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:08,202 had officially worn out our welcome livin' with our parents, 21 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:13,073 which happened around the same time Dad got a value-pack coupon for a fumigation. 22 00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:20,214 - Mornin'. - Mornin'. 23 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:25,619 Listen, your father told me not to bother wakin' you guys, but I don't know. 24 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,455 I don't feel right about it. 25 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:31,892 You got three minutes to get out of the house before your skin starts to peel off. 26 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,894 [ Hissing ] 27 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,297 [ Earl Narrating ] And just like that, we were homeless. 28 00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,332 Hey, Earl, where are we going? 29 00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:41,169 I don't know, Randy. We're just walking. 30 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,237 Maybe we should pick up the pace, 31 00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,706 try to get some of that bug poison out of our lungs. 32 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:49,243 Oh, I don't mind the poison. I think I swallowed a praying mantis the other day, 33 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,613 and I'm pretty sure I felt it lay some eggs. 34 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,716 Well, I guess everything happens for a reason, Randy. 35 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:03,691 [ Man ] * Ooh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turning * 36 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:06,860 * I don't know where I'll be tomorrow * 37 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:10,030 [ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy tried to figure out where we were gonna call home, 38 00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:13,201 a young woman we hadn't yet met was dealin' with her own problems. 39 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:16,704 You see, a little while back, Joy had had a one-night stand with a man, 40 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:20,608 and he didn't leave his number, but he did leave her with somethin' else. 41 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:27,248 * I've been tryin' to make it home * Damn it! 42 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,250 [ Earl Narrating ] And when she started to show, 43 00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:31,252 her parents threw her out of her house too. 44 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:34,822 You're both gonna feel awful bad if this turns out to be baby Jesus or a tumor! 45 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,990 * Very much longer * 46 00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:40,861 [ Earl Narrating ] That day, the homeless rate in Camden increased by three-point-fetus. 47 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:45,233 * The wheel in the sky keeps on turning ** 48 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:49,803 Dude, I told you that's not cool. 49 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:53,274 [ Earl Narrating ] Eventually, Joy found herself at Camden's only motel. 50 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:58,412 And as soon as she smelled the room, she knew she needed a better plan. 51 00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,415 [ Sighs ] I'm gonna have to find you a sugar daddy. 52 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:05,185 So don't be alarmed if some company pops in for a visit. 53 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:10,258 [ Earl Narrating ] For most people in our neighborhood, Wednesday was trash day. 54 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,793 For me and Randy, it was movin' day. 55 00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:26,707 Keep your eye out for a front yard with a hammock or a pile of dry leaves. 56 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:29,343 Can you sleep on big plastic bags full of garbage? 57 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,879 'Cause I keep seein' those everywhere. 58 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,914 [ Earl Narrating ] And then I found our answer. 59 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,584 It was right below a flyer for a missing boa constrictor... 60 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,420 and above some flyers for a bunch of missing cats and chickens. 61 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,527 So what do you think, huh? It's not bad, right? 62 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:49,630 You got the stove, the fridge. 63 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,699 I think that over there is the dishwasher. 64 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,335 And the best part about it is-- [ Spits ] 65 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,570 you can spit on the floor-- I don't give a crap. 66 00:03:56,637 --> 00:04:02,510 Anyway, I live in the bedroom, you guys'll live in the kitchen and Paco lives in the parlor. 67 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,247 What's the other door down the hall? 68 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:11,752 Oh, that's my home gym. I'm savin' up for a treadmill, but right now I just run in place. 69 00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:14,322 Anyway, it's a great room, right? 70 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:17,291 The kitchen, I mean. And it's all yours. 71 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,226 Except, I'm gonna tell you right now, 72 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:23,063 Pac and I still reserve the right to use the fridge and the sink/half bath. 73 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:26,600 Earl, I think that means we get to pee in the sink. 74 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,470 We'll take it. [ Spits ] 75 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,340 - [ Spits ] - [ Spits ] 76 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:39,079 [ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy were gettin' used to our new livin' arrangements. 77 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:42,716 Can you turn up the heat a little? No problem. 78 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:50,491 [ Frank ] Oh, man. 79 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:53,961 [ Sighs ] Hey, sorry, guys. I just finished my workout. 80 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,797 It's hard to tell, but I did at least three miles. 81 00:04:56,864 --> 00:05:00,167 It's okay. The light scares away all the cockroaches. 82 00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:03,571 * Delta Dawn * 83 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:07,875 * What's that flower you have on * 84 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:11,479 Paco, shut up. The kitchen guys are tryin' to sleep. 85 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:16,083 He's all bent out of shape about this chick from back home. Little tip. 86 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,219 Don't let him catch you comin' out of the bathroom with that picture of his lady. 87 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:24,525 - He will lose his mind. - * And did I hear you say * 88 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:28,629 * You were meeting me, Paco here today * 89 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:32,165 * To take you to your mansion * 90 00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,035 * In the sky ** 91 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,939 [ Spanish ] 92 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,954 [ Meowing ] 93 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:04,698 [ Sighs ] Ohh. 94 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,967 Sorry. Shower's stopped up. 95 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:10,103 I'm just gonna get the sweet spots real quick. Ahh. 96 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:13,173 [ Earl Narrating ] I had to admit it. I really looked up to this guy Frank. 97 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,877 And not just 'cause I was lyin' on the floor and he was washin' his sweet spots over me, 98 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:19,780 but 'cause he really had his life together. 99 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,583 [ Man ] * Hey * Ahh. Ahh. 100 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:24,618 * Uh-huh ** 101 00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:29,189 Not only was he livin' rent free 'cause of this sublettin' thing he invented, 102 00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,459 he also drove a hell of a car. 103 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:35,763 Randy, he's got an El "frickin'" Camino. 104 00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,666 That's like the Cadillac of cars. 105 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:44,538 [ Earl Narrating ] He even had a cool job in a place we'd never been before. 106 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:48,175 On the house, roomies. Thanks. 107 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,744 [ Earl Narrating ] Of course, Frank's job would eventually become Darnell's, 108 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:54,014 but he hadn't quite made it to Camden County yet. 109 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:59,386 Hello. Welcome to Witness Protection orientation and instruction. 110 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:03,524 Now what do you say we go around the room, introduce ourselves, 111 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,159 and tell everyone why we're here? 112 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,264 Uh, my name is Harry Monroe, 113 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:15,803 and I'm here because, when I was four years old, the U.S. government-- 114 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,438 [ Groans ] 115 00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:23,944 Rule number one: never tell anyone your true identity or why you're here. 116 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:27,648 Rule number two: no gum in class. 117 00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:31,351 Hey, fellas, you think I could get your rent check by the end of the week? 118 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:35,222 Def Leppard tickets are goin' on sale. It's gettin' to where the band notices if I'm not there. 119 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,959 Yeah, yeah. That-That's cool. End of the week is good. That's when I get my paycheck. 120 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:41,428 That's normal, right? That-That's how most jobs do it? 121 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:43,597 Like the job I have? End of the week? 122 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:46,199 - Yeah, that's pretty normal. - Hey, Frankie. 123 00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:50,170 - Two shots of sake for me and ol' Yoshimitsu here. - We don't have sake. 124 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:53,941 Just tear a label off a bottle of vodka and draw a dragon on it. He'll never know. 125 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:57,210 Earl, Gary, that's my friend Patty. She's a hooker. 126 00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:00,113 - [ Together ] Hey. - Hey. 127 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,650 This is Yoshimitsu. He's in town on business. 128 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:05,919 [ Speaking Japanese ] 129 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,391 He talks gibberish. [ Patty ] Yeah. 130 00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:15,162 He don't speak much English. Half the time, I don't know if he's sayin' "sake" or "sucky." 131 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:18,131 - He's pretty rich, huh? - Are you kiddin' me? 132 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:21,569 Look at this watch. Those stones are real. 133 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:26,640 - I know, 'cause I used to mule blood diamonds from Zimbabwe. - Wow. That is nice. 134 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,508 He could afford a much prettier hooker, 135 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:33,146 but not one that's gonna do some of the jacked-up stuff this dude's into, right, Yoshi? 136 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:38,018 [ Speaking Japanese ] 137 00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:40,320 Hey, Earl, he's talkin' gibberish again. 138 00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:42,389 Yeah, I heard him. 139 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,559 [ Earl Narrating ] Sellin' that watch could probably pay our rent for the next year. 140 00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,628 I just had to figure out how to get it. 141 00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:51,599 And I wasn't the only one lookin' to try and take advantage of someone with money. 142 00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,837 So you're really on TV? 143 00:08:56,904 --> 00:09:01,108 I don't recognize you, but my parents' TV only gets picture on channel 5 and 7. 144 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,977 Oh, well, that explains it. I'm usually up in the 60s. 145 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,647 Cool. 146 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,816 So, you want to get married? 147 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:16,624 Well, maybe. But, uh, I'm not gonna buy the cow until I get a chance to sample the milk. 148 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:21,595 Oh, well, my milk ain't come in yet, but we can do it if you want to. 149 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:24,097 [ Earl Narrating ] Luckily, there was only one motel in Camden, 150 00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:27,668 so we knew right where Yoshimitsu and his fancy watch would be. 151 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:31,672 And luckily, he had enough Crab Shack sake to put him out for the night. 152 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,589 [ Grunts ] 153 00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:56,930 - Frank? - Earl? 154 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,801 What are you doin' here? 155 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,936 I'm here to steal Yoshi's watch. 156 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,205 You're kiddin' me. I'm here to steal Yoshi's watch. 157 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,341 - Get out of here. You steal? - Hell, yeah, I steal. 158 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,611 Look, I'm wearin' your pants. Took 'em right out of the dryer. 159 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,714 Oh, man, this one is for the books, right? 160 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,816 And don't tell me. This must be Randy, right? 161 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:22,222 [ Body Hits Floor ] Sorry. I panicked when he identified me. 162 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,832 Sorry Randy punched you. It's not a problem. 163 00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:35,803 It's the, uh, price of doin' business. But I don't have to tell you, right, thief? 164 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,405 Hey, watch who you're callin' a thief, thief. 165 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,507 [ Both Laughing ] 166 00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:42,575 Hey, guys, I think I killed Paco. 167 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:46,013 No, no, no. He just knocks out easy. He may even be playin' possum. 168 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,081 Hey, Paquito. 169 00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:51,051 No, he's out. Hey, good for you. 170 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,887 [ Joy ] Hey, dummy, shut up in there! [ Banging ] 171 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,123 You shut up! Shut up! 172 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:59,259 God, can you imagine bein' married to that bitch? 173 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,766 Dummy! 174 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:08,368 Come on, Tim. Hurry up, so we can do this. 175 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,404 Sun's almost up, and my morning sickness is about to kick in. 176 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,274 You do not want to be under me when that happens. 177 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:19,913 What the hell? 178 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,817 Did I not mention this at dinner? 179 00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:28,088 Tim, I don't think this is gonna work out. 180 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:31,224 [ Earl Narrating ] Some guy Frank knew named Jasper gave us a thousand bucks for the watch, 181 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:34,127 and we split it between the four of us. 182 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,563 All right. That's your half, minus 65 for the rent. 183 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,232 Thanks for countin' it out. I like how you did it by twos. 184 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,902 Made it go a lot faster. I had an uncle who taught me that. 185 00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:45,605 He also had this, uh, trick for remembering all the months of the year. 186 00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:50,277 But I can't remember how he did it, so I guess that secret died with him. 187 00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,813 Hey, Earl, now that we got some money, 188 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,249 can we get one of them orange, "Right turn, Clyde," Clint Eastwood monkeys? 189 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:59,953 That way I won't have to eat bananas alone. I hate that you hate bananas. 190 00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,222 I'm sorry about that, Randy. 191 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:04,792 But I think we should do somethin' smarter with the money. 192 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:12,699 - Hey, Frank, what are you guys gonna buy with your share? - Oh, we're investing it. 193 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:15,602 Really? Wow, that's pretty smart. 194 00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:19,239 We don't want to be runnin' around stealin' watches for the rest of our lives, right? 195 00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:22,209 - There's no future in it. - Yeah, it's undignified. 196 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:27,214 Yeah, makes sense. So what are you investin' in? Stocks? Real estate? 197 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,749 No, guns. Two really big guns. 198 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:32,820 - We're gonna rob an Indian casino. - [ Together ] Cool. 199 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:36,723 Tell them about Howie. Oh, yeah. We're plannin' the robbery for the same night... 200 00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:40,127 that Howie Mandel's gonna be performin' at the place, so it's gonna be sold out. 201 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:43,396 - Eh? It's a lot of spinach, you know? - I send for my woman. 202 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,465 She's gonna sneak into the country, then after the robbery, 203 00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,600 we're gonna sneak out of the country together. 204 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,138 I know this is more sneaking than she needs to do, but she's a really good sneaker. 205 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,107 You guys are gonna be rich. Hey, Earl, they're gonna be rich. 206 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:58,311 Hey, listen, uh, we'd like our lives to be better too. 207 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:02,015 Any chance you'd be willin' to, uh, buy a couple of extra guns... 208 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:05,218 with our share of the watch money and let us help out? 209 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,787 I guess if there's, uh, four of us gettin' shot at, 210 00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:12,592 then, uh, there's less of a chance that Pac and I are gonna get killed. 211 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:18,231 - Sure. Why not? - Yes! If we don't die, we're gettin' a monkey. 212 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,934 [ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy made plans for a new life, 213 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:25,638 Darnell was doin' the same. Okay, son, go ahead. 214 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:31,111 You see, without fingerprints, you'll be one step closer to eliminating the possibility... 215 00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:33,380 for someone to discover your true identity. 216 00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:37,350 [ Grinding ] By the way, this is optional. 217 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,154 [ Earl Narrating ] And in another part of the world, 218 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,756 Catalina was learnin' that passage to America didn't come cheap. 219 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,293 [ Spanish ] 220 00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,247 [ Earl Narrating ] We got our weapons. 221 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:11,184 But this was a big job, and we didn't want to go off half-cocked. 222 00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:25,032 [ Dog Barks In Distance ] 223 00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,567 [ Water Dripping ] 224 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,239 [ Earl Narrating ] So we realized we needed a plan. 225 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:35,108 It'll be like that. But you know what? 226 00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:39,879 You know, this is, uh-- there's probably better plans to go with, 227 00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:44,217 but this is this permanent marker, so, uh, let's just stick with this. 228 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:51,191 So, uh, anybody remember what that plan was? 229 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:55,228 [ Earl Narrating ] It took Frank a while to remember the plan, but he eventually did. 230 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,530 It was cool 'cause we all had disguises. 231 00:14:57,597 --> 00:15:01,401 Frank was a golfer, I was an old man, Paco was my nurse, 232 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:04,804 and since real hostages fight back, ours was gonna be Randy. 233 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:07,774 - This wig is itchy. - Well, it's an Indian casino, okay? 234 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,278 They're not gonna give up their money unless they're savin' one of their own. 235 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,480 All right, now, let's do this! 236 00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:15,515 Everybody put your money and jewelry in the wheelchair! 237 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:19,019 - Otherwise, your homeboy here gets wasted! - Ahh! Help me! Help me! 238 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,720 Someone push the emergency button... 239 00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:24,657 and tell the police they live in the Pimmit Hills Trailer Park! 240 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:31,931 Okay, um, everyone else, great job. Randy-- 241 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:34,701 Oh, man. Did I say everyone's full name again? 242 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,304 [ Earl Narrating ] The only thing left was to actually do the job. 243 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,508 Joy had another job: to find someone to take care of her baby. 244 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,577 And as the due date drew closer, she was lookin' everywhere. 245 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:48,715 So, Doc, I don't feel a ring on your finger. 246 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,152 I like this. 247 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:56,789 We should shoot a hole in the closet so we don't have to open the door to get our coats. 248 00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:59,626 Plus, the milk is nice and warm. 249 00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:05,198 Eighteen hours to go-time, guys, on a big job. Biggest job I've ever had. 250 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:10,470 Guns. Casinos. Guns. Big job. Big one. 251 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,373 Anybody else throw up twice today? 252 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,442 Hey, Earl, just try and relax, okay? 253 00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,011 Now, listen, Paco and I are gonna be in Nathanville tonight. 254 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:21,614 If this is my last night on earth, I'm gonna go try to meet my son. 255 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:23,683 Plus, his mom's got a van we could steal. 256 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:28,388 All right, see you guys at the casino tomorrow, all right? 257 00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:32,859 Oh, God! What's the date on this cereal? 258 00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:36,196 [ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy were tryin' to chill out before our big day, 259 00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:39,199 Joy was realizin' that she had to get married quick or she was screwed. 260 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:43,903 And after my 12th upside-down margarita, Joy had me where she wanted me. 261 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:48,208 And my shotgun casino robbery was replaced by a shotgun wedding. 262 00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:52,045 So I called Randy and let him know that I couldn't get back in time for the robbery, 263 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,114 and he was gonna have to go without me. 264 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,683 No problem. Congratulations. 265 00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,818 I-I'll take the bus and meet the guys there. 266 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:04,091 [ Man On TV ] Coming up next, a Krofft Superstars marathon. 267 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:07,160 [ Earl Narrating ] Two days later, me and Joy got back to Camden... 268 00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,529 to start our new life as husband and wife. 269 00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,201 Hey, by the way, what's your last name? 270 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:18,138 Well, it was Darville, but I guess it's whatever your last name is now. 271 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:21,674 Oh, yeah. Well, nice to meet you, Mrs. Hickey. 272 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:25,178 [ Chuckles ] Miss Hickey. That's funny. 273 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,880 Seriously, what's your last name? 274 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,982 [ Rapid Beeping ] 275 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,485 [ Freddy The Flute ] Jimmy, I'll go with you. 276 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,355 [ H.R. Pufnstuf ] Golly. What's wrong with him, Freddy? 277 00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:39,159 - I think he's kinda homesick. Especially today. - [ Beeping Continues ] 278 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,994 You see, it's his birthday. [ Beeping Stops ] 279 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,963 Oh, that's what that beepin' sound was. 280 00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:46,065 I thought it was Jimmy's magic flute, 281 00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:49,102 and I couldn't figure out how come I couldn't find them on the commercials. 282 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:55,041 - How was the robbery? - Oh, no. I forgot to go. 283 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,410 And those guys never came back? 284 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,813 - I don't think so. - Huh. 285 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,050 Earl, I'm serious. Tell me your real last name. 286 00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:08,054 - I told you, it's Hickey. Joy, this is my brother, Randy. - Hey. 287 00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:11,524 You ain't stayin' here. And I am not gonna be called Miss Hickey. 288 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,793 Took me all of fifth grade to lose that nickname, 289 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,196 and I'm sure as hell not goin' back to it now. 290 00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:20,267 Uh, honey, we live in the kitchen. 291 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:25,605 When you never came back, we moved into the bedroom and started drivin' your car. 292 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:28,541 We figured you were livin' on some beach somewhere. I wish. 293 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,844 Uh, yeah, things didn't really, uh, work out the way we planned. 294 00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:34,647 [ Earl Narrating ] Frank explained that the robbery went off without a hitch-- 295 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,716 Whoo! and they had made a clean getaway. 296 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:40,387 * Rolling down the street Smoking indo * 297 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:43,923 * Sippin' on gin and juice * * Beeyotch * 298 00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:47,394 * With my mind on my money and my money on my mind * 299 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,330 E-E-Excuse me. A-Are you gonna kill me? 300 00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,732 Damn. You know, I forgot that you were even back there. 301 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,034 I gotta tell you, we weren't plannin' on taking anybody, 302 00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:57,404 but our fake hostage just didn't show up. 303 00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:01,174 Oh, I see. Uh, s-so where does that leave us... 304 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,210 with the whole killing me or not killing me thing? 305 00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:06,145 I don't know. Why don't you, uh, pop a rubber glove on your head... 306 00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:09,282 and see if it makes me laugh, and we'll talk about it later. [ Laughing ] 307 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:12,919 * Rolling down the street Smoking indo * 308 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,021 * Sipping on gin and juice * 309 00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:19,526 * Laid back * * With my mind on my money and my money on my mind ** 310 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:22,161 As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner. 311 00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:25,398 All the documents you need are in this envelope. 312 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,267 Cool. 313 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:31,671 And remember, you can never be Harry Monroe again. You're a totally new person. 314 00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,983 Disculpe. Disculpe, señor. 315 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:46,953 Mira. Yo sé que esto no tiene sentido con-- con este programa... 316 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:50,223 porque como hemos visto, yo vine después de Y2K, 317 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:53,526 pero en realidad, ¿quién-- quién pone atención a ese tipo de cosas? 318 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,296 Sorry, sister. I only speak French, Russian and Arabic. 319 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,566 I mean... what up, doll? 320 00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,401 Catalina! 321 00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,936 [ Country On Radio ] * Smoking indo Sippin' on gin and juice * 322 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:07,307 [ All Screaming ] 323 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:10,577 - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Crash ] 324 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,413 * Rolling down the street Smokin' indo * 325 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:18,150 * Sippin' on gin and a-- a juice ** 326 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:23,590 An F.B.I. van? I mean, what the hell was an F.B.I. van even doin' in Camden? 327 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:27,694 They popped us both, and poor Paco never even got to see his old girlfriend again. 328 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:32,098 - Man. How long you in for? - Twenty years. 329 00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:36,403 Wait a second. So if I hadn't taken this fool to Vegas to get married, 330 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:39,472 - he'd be in here for 20 years? - Yeah. 331 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:44,411 Oh, hell. And here I am thinkin' I owe you 'cause you're doin' two years for me. 332 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,414 I saved you 18 years in this hellhole. You owe me. 333 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,617 And you owe the library some clean TV Guides. 334 00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,585 [ Chuckles ] 335 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:58,425 Wow. I think this is the first time I've ever been glad she tricked me into marryin' her. 336 00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:02,595 Whoa! Check out the vagina on Al Roker.