1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:03,537
My name is Earl.

2
00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:09,743
[ Earl Narrating ]
In prison, there's no day more
special than conjugal day.

3
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,745
[ Man ]
* One, two, three
Good love **

4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:16,050
Which looks better--
throat scar or no throat scar?

5
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:19,620
[ Earl Narrating ] Twice
a month, the guys in my barracks
get to have sex with a woman--

6
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:22,090
sometimes with their wives,
sometimes with
their girlfriends--

7
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,158
[ Screaming ]

8
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:28,462
and sometimes with women they
were meetin' for the first time
known as "letter writers,"

9
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,132
special ladies
who actually seek out
incarcerated boyfriends.

10
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:33,167
You look different
from your picture.

11
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,903
You killed your father.

12
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:38,506
Fair enough!
[ Giggling ]

13
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,874
[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep, conjugal day was great...

14
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:44,345
unless you bit off
a guy's earlobe and got thrown
in the hotbox, like Frank.

15
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,447
Earl, buddy,
it's good to see you.

16
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:49,117
Listen, listen.
You gotta go find
my girl Billie.

17
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:52,019
Just tell her that
I'm not blowing her off
and that I love her...

18
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:55,123
and that she's
the best thing that's ever
happened to me, Earl.

19
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:58,359
She's-- She's my angel.

20
00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:01,495
Wow.
Your, uh, naked angel.

21
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,431
Yeah.

22
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:06,500
With wings tattooed on
her most private angel area.

23
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,303
Yeah. Those wings
cost me a fortune.
Plus, it was awkward.

24
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:12,140
Her brother
was the tattoo artist.
Ah.

25
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:15,042
That explains
the "Love your brother."

26
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:19,180
I thought she was just
tryin' to make the world
a better place.

27
00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:23,417
[ Earl Narrating ] Back at home,
Joy was in her eighth month of
surrogatin' her sister's baby,

28
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:27,388
and it was havin'
a frustratin' impact
on her everyday life.

29
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:30,791
Your feet must hurt.
They're so swollen.

30
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:34,262
They look like hungry biscuits
tryin' to swallow up
your flip-flops.

31
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,264
Yeah. Well,
I'm retainin'
so much water,

32
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:40,100
I'm afraid you're gonna
try to swim across me
to get your green card!

33
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,703
That wasn't
a very motherly exchange.

34
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,005
Yeah, well,
bein' pregnant isn't
a very motherly experience.

35
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:48,542
Feels like
this little monster's got
my liver in a headlock.

36
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:53,181
Darnell.
I just messed my pants.

37
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,549
- Pardon?
- I just messed my pants.

38
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:58,852
Walk behind me.
Walk behind me.

39
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,191
Go get me some towels
and some new bottoms.

40
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:08,061
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Door Closes ]

41
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,898
¡Ocupado! ¡Ocupado!

42
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,336
[ Giggling ]

43
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,739
Your wife
pooped herself.
Indeed.

44
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:24,678
"And when you hear
the buzzer sound,

45
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,881
"that is your 10-minute
warning to finish.

46
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,284
"Please hose down
all items...

47
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:34,154
you have fornicated on."

48
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,624
Randy, I'm only here
to talk to her, for Frank.

49
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:40,661
Hose it down anyway.
Sometimes you spit
when you talk.

50
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:48,502
Uh, hey.
Oh, God. Not again.

51
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:51,905
I told Frank
no more threesomes.
No offense.

52
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:56,544
I'm just afraid he'll finish
too quick, and I'll be stuck
awkwardly doing a stranger.

53
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,347
[ Earl Narrating ]
I could see why Frank
was so crazy about Billie.

54
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:03,551
He said he knew
she was the one the first moment
he laid eyes on her.

55
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,719
[ Man ]
* We're still having fun **

56
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,389
[ Earl Narrating ]
And when Frank opened up to her,
she actually listened.

57
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:10,491
He'd never had a girl
like that before.

58
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,460
You know, I don't believe
in heaven and hell.

59
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,895
I think death is more
like an after-party,

60
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:17,765
where everyone
goes to the same club
to drink some beers...

61
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,767
and smoke a little
somethin' somethin'.

62
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:23,070
Like the Peach Pit
After Dark.
Totally.

63
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,072
I'm Earl Hickey,
a friend of Frank's.

64
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:29,577
He got thrown in the hotbox,
but he wanted me to tell you
that he loves you...

65
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,413
and that you're
his number one angel,
which is sayin' a lot...

66
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,416
'cause there's quite a few guys
named Angel in here.

67
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:38,686
He got thrown in the hotbox?
Today, of all days?

68
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,523
[ Scoffs ]
That son of a bitch.
He doesn't love me.

69
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:46,159
Come on. He loves you.
He-He talks about you
all the time.

70
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,862
He's been faithful
for at least seven years.

71
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,964
Don't think he hasn't
been tempted in here.

72
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,334
One of those Angels
is a pretty smooth talker.

73
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:57,204
Plus, he bought you that
fancy wing tattoo. If that
doesn't say love, nothin' does.

74
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,407
Your brother is an artist,
by the way.

75
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,712
You saw my wings?
[ Squeaky Voice ]
No.

76
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,281
That jackass showed you
my naked picture?

77
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:11,452
No. Uh, Frank just--
He has a way of paintin'
pictures with words.

78
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:16,590
Uh, so I-I-I only felt
like I saw it 'cause he--
he described it in such detail.

79
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:20,328
Hmm. He described
my vagina in detail?

80
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:25,599
Which answer will make you
feel less violated?

81
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,635
That's it.
I can't do this anymore.

82
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:31,004
Tell Frank that we're done.
It's over.

83
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,874
No, no, no.
Look, you gotta give him
a second chance.

84
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,977
I used to do stupid things,
like Frank.

85
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:40,414
Then life gave me
a second chance, and I
started doin' good things.

86
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,583
People can change.
You're right, Earl.

87
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:45,686
People can change,
starting with me.
I'm done with Frank.

88
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:49,923
And you can tell that jackass
that I'm taking the promise ring
out when I get home.

89
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:57,498
"I see your lady guest
has exited.

90
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:59,767
"Please pull up your pants--
half circle--

91
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:03,837
if they are not
already up-- half circle--
and follow me."

92
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,615
[ Earl Narrating ] Since the
prison confiscated my old list,
I had to make a new one.

93
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:18,051
And that day, I added:
made Frank's girl dump him.

94
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:22,556
Frank was the closest thing
I had to a friend in prison,

95
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:26,259
and I owed it to him to
tell him the truth right away,
while he couldn't hurt me.

96
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,597
But he was hurtin' too much
on the inside to even
consider hurtin' me.

97
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,065
I added it to my list,
if that helps.

98
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:36,303
Billie was my whole life.
Now my life is dead.

99
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:39,440
I-I-I got a dead life.

100
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:44,111
The list doesn't always
mean as much to other people
as it does to me.

101
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:49,182
[ Weeping, Babbling ]

102
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:52,085
[ Earl Narrating ]
That night Joy was
havin' trouble too.

103
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:54,254
Bein' blackmailed by Catalina
wasn't sittin' well with her.

104
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:58,091
Oh, baby. All your wiggling
made Mr. Turtle
throw up a little.

105
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,528
How am I gonna
get that picture
back from Catalina?

106
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,430
I mean,
I can't blackmail her.

107
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,832
Everything she should
be embarrassed about,
people already know.

108
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:08,569
She's a stripper, she's a maid,
she's a foreigner.

109
00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,738
[ Sighs ]
I'm just gonna
have to kill her.

110
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:14,174
- You can't kill that woman.
- Oh, yes, I can.

111
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:17,545
A poison cookie, like I tried
with Earl a couple years ago.
I still know the recipe.

112
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,413
It's just sugar,
eggs and poison.

113
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:23,050
Why don't you just try bein'
nice to her? People like it
when you're nice to them.

114
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:27,821
Remember five years ago
at the pet store, when you
made that guy smile?

115
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,923
Fine.

116
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,392
Dear Lord,

117
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,696
please give me the strength
to be nice to somebody
who I hate so much,

118
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,931
I wish you would strike her down
with a lightning bolt...

119
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,233
and fry her into one
of those little Mexican
cinnamon sticks.

120
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,903
They're called churros.

121
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:46,306
Yeah, churros. Amen.

122
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:47,875
[ Mouths Word ]

123
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,910
[ Earl Narrating ]
I hoped Frank would
be feelin' better...

124
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,946
by the time he got
out of the hotbox,
but he wasn't.

125
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:56,116
In fact, he wasn't
feelin' much at all.
What happened to your shoes?

126
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:59,186
Uh, I guess someone took 'em.

127
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:02,690
[ Earl Narrating ]
Frank had done the one thing
you don't want to do in prison.

128
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,659
He had given up.
[ Body Thuds ]

129
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:09,029
And that made him a target,
the worst kind of target.

130
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:15,235
Frank, James is tattooing
his name on your ass.
Mmm.

131
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,871
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I knew I had to make
Frank's problem my priority.

132
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,873
We're gonna find you
a new girlfriend.

133
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,343
Hey, man, what do you
think this means?

134
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:26,514
[ Earl Narrating ] There were
two choices for gettin' Frank
a new girlfriend in prison:

135
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,316
female prison guards--
[ Snorts, Spits ]

136
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,852
Okay, there was really
only one choice:

137
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,888
the letter-writin' women who
were on the prowl for inmates.

138
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,858
Apparently,
these women used some Web site
called Convict Match...

139
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,927
to find the prisoner
of their dreams.

140
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:42,162
All we had to do
was make a video of Frank...

141
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:45,165
and have Randy
put it into the Web site
usin' a magic cord.

142
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,400
- Say "cheese."
- You know, I don't
want to do this.

143
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,970
You know, besides,
no one's gonna love me
the way Billie did.

144
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:53,006
Sure, they will.
Come on, Frank.
This is easy.

145
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:57,177
The bar's set so low,
even that prisoner that's
just a torso got a date.

146
00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:59,012
Aww. Good for Pillow.

147
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,014
Well, then why
aren't you doin' it?

148
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:04,852
[ Earl Narrating ]
Well, I had to admit, it did
get lonely on the inside.

149
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:09,122
And havin' a little
female companionship
sounded pretty nice.

150
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,058
[ Clears Throat ]

151
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:14,094
My name is Earl, and, uh,
I didn't murder anybody.

152
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,897
I have $40 in my prison
canteen account.

153
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,932
I like takin' long walks
out in the yard.

154
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,736
I can bench-press my mom,
and she's fat.

155
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,305
I've never been in love,
but I've been married twice.

156
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:30,343
I love kids. But-But-But that--
that's not what got me in here.

157
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,881
I'm not sayin' anyone's
ever actually confused me
with Tom Selleck,

158
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:37,885
but I do get a lot of,
"Hey, Magnum."

159
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:41,421
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy was
workin' to solve her problem by
bein' nice to someone she hated.

160
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,625
Hey, Catalina.
Brought you a present.

161
00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:46,860
It's a donkey, for you.

162
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:49,296
Just because
we're friends.

163
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:52,966
Now, the stick-- the stick
you're gonna have to earn.

164
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,669
Give me your cell phone,
and it's yours.

165
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:59,607
Then you can get all the Mexican
candy inside that your people
like to break their teeth on.

166
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,210
Actually, Joy,
I'm gonna keep my phone,

167
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,345
the donkey,

168
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:08,215
and I would like
the stick.

169
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,751
[ Forced Chuckle ]
That's not the deal, friend.

170
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,588
Excuse me. Would anybody
like to see Joy--

171
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:18,626
Take the stick!
Take it, take it, take it,
take it! Take the stick.

172
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,429
I thought
you had her, baby.

173
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:25,398
I just got outsmarted
by an illegal.

174
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,334
I am so votin' in '08!

175
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,372
[ Earl Narrating ]
A few days later,
me and Frank found out...

176
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:36,343
we were convict matches
for two ladies who wrote to us
and were comin' to visit.

177
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,946
Randy even hooked us up
with the conjugal apartment.

178
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:42,282
And I'm gonna give you guys
twice as much time.

179
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,985
But if anyone asks,
just remember to say...

180
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,721
you each had sex
with your own girl,
then switched.

181
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,590
Otherwise,
I could get in trouble.

182
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,596
- Hi.
- Are you Annie or Lucy?

183
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:59,599
Lucy. Hi, Frank.

184
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:03,036
Wow. You're even cuter
than in your video.
Are you in for life?

185
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,505
Because I'm looking for
a long-term relationship.
Oops.

186
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:09,042
Uh, can you excuse me
for a minute? I gotta pee
when I'm nervous.

187
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,611
That's disgusting.
You know, Billie never peed.

188
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,081
Frank, look around.
We're in prison.

189
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,250
If that girl's biggest
problem is that she pees,
you're in good shape.

190
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,687
What you need to do
is lower your standards.

191
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,960
- Annie?
- [ High-pitched Voice ]
Hi, Earl.

192
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:32,632
[ Earl Narrating ] After
a few more potty breaks, Frank
and Lucy started hittin' it off.

193
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,135
Wow. Your arms
are really strong.
Yeah?

194
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,637
I wonder if my dad
has strong arms.

195
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:42,075
If I meet him, I'm gonna
hug him and never let go,
'cause he's my daddy.

196
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,111
[ Giggling ]

197
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:50,183
Do you want to know
what got me about your video?
No, thank you.

198
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:54,722
Meow.
All right. We're gonna
hit the bedroom.

199
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,259
[ Door Closes ]
So, Annie.

200
00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,363
You've got a wiener,
right?

201
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:06,867
[ Low Voice ]
Doesn't function, if that
makes you feel any better.

202
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,703
[ Man ]
Gentlemen, put your hands
together...

203
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,705
for Catalina!

204
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:14,341
[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was tryin' to keep
Annie's hands off me,

205
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:17,377
Joy was tryin' to get her hands
on Catalina's phone.

206
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:25,485
El delete-o la picture-o.
[ Beeping ]

207
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:29,723
[ Earl Narrating ] Then she
decided to steal herself a new
cell phone for all her trouble.

208
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:33,827
Me and Annie got
to talking, 'cause, well,
we had no other choice.

209
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:37,765
And it turned out she-- that's
what she said to call him--
was easy to talk to.

210
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,632
I didn't really
commit the crime,

211
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,836
but I still feel like I deserve
to be here because of karma.

212
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:44,872
I know
it sounds confusing.

213
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:49,376
Heck, people have been calling
me confusing my whole life,
but I'm not.

214
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:52,679
That's why I'm goin' through
with this whole surgery.

215
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:56,616
"Hole surgery"?
You'd think they'd have
a fancier name for it.

216
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:59,719
They do.
It's called vaginoplasty.

217
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:05,025
[ Man ]
* Hey, hey, whoo
Hey, hey, whoo *

218
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,194
So, we gonna make out or--

219
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,898
You know, Annie,
if-- if I was here
for 30 years or somethin',

220
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,000
I might be able
to justify it.

221
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,103
But I get out
in two, so--
I get it.

222
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:20,073
* Hey, hey, whoo
Hey, hey, whoo *

223
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,375
* Hey, hey **
You know, top half's
already done.

224
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,012
You wanna squeeze?

225
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,120
Technology.

226
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:45,132
Frank, step away
from the girl.

227
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:48,735
I can't do that. I need her
to look more like Billie. Billie
has her belly button pierced.

228
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:51,538
- She's not Billie.
- Nah, not yet.

229
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,074
Let him do it.
He's fixing me.

230
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:57,010
Look, we'll get
Billie back, okay?
The real Billie.

231
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,446
You-You really think
we could get her back?

232
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:03,116
- Think we're gonna have to.
- Now you're talkin', Earl.

233
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:06,686
This probably
isn't gonna help your
abandonment issues, huh?

234
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:09,289
[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was tryin' to
solve Frank's problem,

235
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:12,425
Joy's problem
was startin' up again.

236
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,461
Oh, snap!

237
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:17,697
[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy thought she'd put her mess
behind her, but she hadn't.

238
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:20,400
[ Ringing ]

239
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:26,639
What? I don't know
who stoled your phone.

240
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:30,110
Yes, I know what "Already
downloaded the JPEG" means.

241
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,612
Darnell! What's a JPEG,
what's downloadin',

242
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,449
and why am I holdin'
a picture of me crappin'
my pants again?

243
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,991
[ Narrating ] Billie wouldn't
accept any of Frank's phone
calls or answer his letters,

244
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:47,360
so I knew it was gonna take
somethin' big to get her back,

245
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:53,533
somethin' that would
make Billie feel like
her and Frank were even.

246
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,303
Since Billie was mad
at Frank for showin' me
her naked picture,

247
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,339
we decided to show Frank
to the whole world.

248
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:07,480
Joy decided the problem
with her picture was gonna
need a big solution too,

249
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,317
so she got out
her poison cookie recipe...

250
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:13,386
and made a special delivery
to take care of everything.

251
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:16,456
[ Man ]
Gentlemen, put your hands
together for Catalina!

252
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,591
[ Man ]
* Jump up
jump up and get down *

253
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,028
* Jump, jump, jump, jump *

254
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,596
* Jump, jump, jump, jump **

255
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:26,366
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turned out Joy no longer
had that killer instinct...

256
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:29,903
and swapped out
the main ingredient.
[ Cackling ]

257
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,872
* Jump *
[ Man ]
Where are you going?

258
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,807
* Jump up **
[ Men Shouting ]

259
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,045
[ Earl Narrating ]
This moment would forever
be captured in Joy's memory.

260
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,082
Occupied! Occupied!
You're lucky
you're not dead, bitch.

261
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,384
[ Earl Narrating ]
And more importantly,
in her camera.

262
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,022
¡Esperamos que no
te daba asco este cuento!

263
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,091
¡Nosotros pensamos
que era chistoso!

264
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,095
[ Earl Narrating ]
It had been days,
and we were still waitin'...

265
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,264
to hear somethin' from Billie.

266
00:14:57,330 --> 00:15:01,001
Do you know a three-letter word
that might have a six in it?

267
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,736
Excuse me. I'm here
to see Frank Stump.

268
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:06,239
I'm Billie Cunningham,
his girlfriend.

269
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:13,613
- She's here! Billie's here!
- Really?

270
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,349
Thanks, Earl.
Hey, I-I gotta get her
some flowers.

271
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:20,320
You think anyone would mind
if I take any carnations off
of Jose's memorial in the yard?

272
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,789
Anyone cared about Jose,
he'd still be alive.

273
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:27,494
Okay. Tell Billie
I'll be right there,
and only say that.

274
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,997
Jose's dead? Oh, man.

275
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:33,433
I never got to tell him
it was me who played
that joke on him.

276
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:38,471
[ Laughing ]
I took the skinheads' radio,
and I hid it in Jose's bed.

277
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:43,143
[ Laughing ]

278
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:50,317
Frank, uh, will be
right here. No costume?

279
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,220
We're makin' love today.
Oh, that's sweet.

280
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,322
Actually,
I'm glad I saw you.

281
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:59,459
That stuff you said last time
about life giving you a second
chance got me thinking,

282
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:01,961
and I reenrolled
in nursing school.

283
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:04,597
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turned out Billie used
to be on a good path.

284
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,167
Frank met her the day she
graduated community college--
Whoo!

285
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:10,003
and, well, things
went downhill from there.

286
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,039
Frank was already
leading a life of crime,

287
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:15,908
and bein' a romantic,
he wanted someone to
share his life with.

288
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,311
Go ahead. Take something.
What?

289
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,214
Go. Go. Do it. It's fun.
Go ahead. Take something.

290
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,184
[ Pops Lips ]

291
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,322
Okay. Your turn.

292
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,662
Uh--

293
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:38,465
[ Earl Narrating ]
And while stealin' may have
given Billie a rush,

294
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,567
she still worried
about the consequences.

295
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:43,370
Do you think
we're goin' to hell
for all this?

296
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,505
You know, I don't believe
in heaven and hell.

297
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:47,974
I think death is more
like an after-party,

298
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,910
where everyone
goes to the same club
to drink some beers...

299
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,012
and smoke a little
somethin' somethin'.

300
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,448
Like the Peach Pit
After Dark.
Totally.

301
00:16:57,217 --> 00:17:00,019
[ Man ]
* Rock and roll **

302
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:03,523
[ Earl Narrating ]
But love can make you do crazy
things, like armed robbery.

303
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,492
Mmm!

304
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,162
- Nobody move!
- [ Screams ]

305
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:12,865
[ Gunshots ]
Hey, honey, honey.

306
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:15,968
Sorry. I know it's not
how we practiced it, but I
just got really excited.

307
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,770
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry.

308
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,307
When you said that stuff,
I kind of looked at my life...

309
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,609
and realized
I was tired of bein' a--

310
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:26,146
Hairy loser.
Uh, I was just
gonna say loser.

311
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,181
No, no, you're fine.

312
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:32,219
I meant that's how it felt
when I turned my life around.
Doin' good feels good.

313
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,155
Yeah,
and doin' bad feels bad.
It sounds so simple.

314
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,990
Why don't
more people do it?
I don't know.

315
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:42,129
Well, it feels great,
except I'm missing a class
to be here right now.

316
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,231
Two actually.
It's a long drive.

317
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,766
Wait. You're missin' classes
for Frank?

318
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,103
Not-- Not that Frank's
not great.

319
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,539
I mean, the guy
can make wine out of shampoo.

320
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:55,508
I'm not even sure
if Jesus can do that.

321
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,477
He's great.

322
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,846
Well, now that we're
getting back together,

323
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,649
I'm probably gonna
have to take a little break
from school.

324
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:06,719
Maybe try and start up again
in a year or two, or 13,
when he gets out.

325
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,456
Someday I will do it.

326
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:14,294
Right.
Well, I'll go get him.

327
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:19,832
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was in a rough spot,
one I'd never been in before.

328
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,802
I had to make a choice between
helpin' someone on my list...

329
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:26,173
or helpin' someone
who really deserved it.
[ Whistling ]

330
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,344
Frank, we need to talk.

331
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:35,282
[ Earl Narrating ] I explained
to Frank that as much as he
wanted Billie back in his life,

332
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,084
not havin' him in hers
was what she needed.

333
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,387
And that if he
really loved her,

334
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:44,090
he'd let her go
so she could live the life
she was meant to.

335
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:46,759
You're right.

336
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:51,364
You know, she's the best thing
that's ever happened to me,

337
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:54,033
but I'm the worst thing
that's ever happened to her.

338
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:57,837
Guess it's time
for me to just man up
and do the right thing.

339
00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:01,874
I've always had trouble
saying good-bye
to women in my life.

340
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:05,945
I think
it's 'cause my grandmother
breast-fed me too long.

341
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,147
Okay.

342
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,551
[ Earl Narrating ]
I waited for Frank,

343
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:15,222
'cause while I may have
made him feel like he wasn't
good enough to be with Billie,

344
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:17,357
I didn't want him
to feel alone.

345
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,828
Shh!

346
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,163
[ Man ]
* When a man loves a woman *

347
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:26,266
Billie.

348
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,502
I think you'll make
a great nurse.

349
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,072
* He'll trade the world *
Take care, Earl.

350
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:35,174
* For the good thing
he's found *

351
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:40,847
* If she is bad
he can't see it *

352
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,450
How'd it go?
* She can do no wrong *

353
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:46,253
Oh, you know,
I felt like crying.
I felt like killing you.

354
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:49,289
I felt like
callin' my grandma.

355
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,958
I felt thirsty.

356
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:56,195
But mostly,
once I said it, I felt
like a real decent guy...

357
00:19:56,263 --> 00:20:00,633
maybe for the first time
in, like, ever.

358
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,135
That's what happens
when you do the right thing.

359
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:07,206
Yeah, it's nice.
It's real nice.

360
00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:10,643
You know, it's not as nice
as high-fivin' myself
in the mirror...

361
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,946
when I'm doin'
a hot chick-- yeah--

362
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:15,882
but it's nice.

363
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,685
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was really proud of Frank.

364
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,120
But more important,
Frank was proud of himself.

365
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:26,158
* When a man loves a woman *

366
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,028
* Down deep in his soul *

367
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:31,698
[ Earl Narrating ]
And I couldn't stop
thinkin' about Billie,

368
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:34,467
that there was someone
out there workin' to do
good things in life...

369
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:37,504
after years of doin' bad--
someone like me.

370
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:41,040
* If she plays him for a fool *

371
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,443
* He's the last one to know *
Naked picture!

372
00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,512
[ Excited Shouting ]

373
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,615
* Lovin' eyes
can't ever see **