My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] In prison, there's no day more special than conjugal day.
[ Man ] * One, two, three Good love **
Which looks better-- throat scar or no throat scar?
[ Earl Narrating ] Twice a month, the guys in my barracks get to have sex with a woman--
sometimes with their wives, sometimes with their girlfriends--
[ Screaming ]
and sometimes with women they were meetin' for the first time known as "letter writers,"
special ladies who actually seek out incarcerated boyfriends.
You look different from your picture.
You killed your father.
Fair enough! [ Giggling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Yep, conjugal day was great...
unless you bit off a guy's earlobe and got thrown in the hotbox, like Frank.
Earl, buddy, it's good to see you.
Listen, listen. You gotta go find my girl Billie.
Just tell her that I'm not blowing her off and that I love her...
and that she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Earl.
She's-- She's my angel.
Wow. Your, uh, naked angel.
Yeah.
With wings tattooed on her most private angel area.
Yeah. Those wings cost me a fortune. Plus, it was awkward.
Her brother was the tattoo artist. Ah.
That explains the "Love your brother."
I thought she was just tryin' to make the world a better place.
[ Earl Narrating ] Back at home, Joy was in her eighth month of surrogatin' her sister's baby,
and it was havin' a frustratin' impact on her everyday life.
Your feet must hurt. They're so swollen.
They look like hungry biscuits tryin' to swallow up your flip-flops.
Yeah. Well, I'm retainin' so much water,
I'm afraid you're gonna try to swim across me to get your green card!
That wasn't a very motherly exchange.
Yeah, well, bein' pregnant isn't a very motherly experience.
Feels like this little monster's got my liver in a headlock.
Darnell. I just messed my pants.
- Pardon? - I just messed my pants.
Walk behind me. Walk behind me.
Go get me some towels and some new bottoms.
[ Speaking Spanish ] [ Door Closes ]
¡Ocupado! ¡Ocupado!
[ Giggling ]
Your wife pooped herself. Indeed.
"And when you hear the buzzer sound,
"that is your 10-minute warning to finish.
"Please hose down all items...
you have fornicated on."
Randy, I'm only here to talk to her, for Frank.
Hose it down anyway. Sometimes you spit when you talk.
Uh, hey. Oh, God. Not again.
I told Frank no more threesomes. No offense.
I'm just afraid he'll finish too quick, and I'll be stuck awkwardly doing a stranger.
[ Earl Narrating ] I could see why Frank was so crazy about Billie.
He said he knew she was the one the first moment he laid eyes on her.
[ Man ] * We're still having fun **
[ Earl Narrating ] And when Frank opened up to her, she actually listened.
He'd never had a girl like that before.
You know, I don't believe in heaven and hell.
I think death is more like an after-party,
where everyone goes to the same club to drink some beers...
and smoke a little somethin' somethin'.
Like the Peach Pit After Dark. Totally.
I'm Earl Hickey, a friend of Frank's.
He got thrown in the hotbox, but he wanted me to tell you that he loves you...
and that you're his number one angel, which is sayin' a lot...
'cause there's quite a few guys named Angel in here.
He got thrown in the hotbox? Today, of all days?
[ Scoffs ] That son of a bitch. He doesn't love me.
Come on. He loves you. He-He talks about you all the time.
He's been faithful for at least seven years.
Don't think he hasn't been tempted in here.
One of those Angels is a pretty smooth talker.
Plus, he bought you that fancy wing tattoo. If that doesn't say love, nothin' does.
Your brother is an artist, by the way.
You saw my wings? [ Squeaky Voice ] No.
That jackass showed you my naked picture?
No. Uh, Frank just-- He has a way of paintin' pictures with words.
Uh, so I-I-I only felt like I saw it 'cause he-- he described it in such detail.
Hmm. He described my vagina in detail?
Which answer will make you feel less violated?
That's it. I can't do this anymore.
Tell Frank that we're done. It's over.
No, no, no. Look, you gotta give him a second chance.
I used to do stupid things, like Frank.
Then life gave me a second chance, and I started doin' good things.
People can change. You're right, Earl.
People can change, starting with me. I'm done with Frank.
And you can tell that jackass that I'm taking the promise ring out when I get home.
"I see your lady guest has exited.
"Please pull up your pants-- half circle--
if they are not already up-- half circle-- and follow me."
[ Earl Narrating ] Since the prison confiscated my old list, I had to make a new one.
And that day, I added: made Frank's girl dump him.
Frank was the closest thing I had to a friend in prison,
and I owed it to him to tell him the truth right away, while he couldn't hurt me.
But he was hurtin' too much on the inside to even consider hurtin' me.
I added it to my list, if that helps.
Billie was my whole life. Now my life is dead.
I-I-I got a dead life.
The list doesn't always mean as much to other people as it does to me.
[ Weeping, Babbling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] That night Joy was havin' trouble too.
Bein' blackmailed by Catalina wasn't sittin' well with her.
Oh, baby. All your wiggling made Mr. Turtle throw up a little.
How am I gonna get that picture back from Catalina?
I mean, I can't blackmail her.
Everything she should be embarrassed about, people already know.
She's a stripper, she's a maid, she's a foreigner.
[ Sighs ] I'm just gonna have to kill her.
- You can't kill that woman. - Oh, yes, I can.
A poison cookie, like I tried with Earl a couple years ago. I still know the recipe.
It's just sugar, eggs and poison.
Why don't you just try bein' nice to her? People like it when you're nice to them.
Remember five years ago at the pet store, when you made that guy smile?
Fine.
Dear Lord,
please give me the strength to be nice to somebody who I hate so much,
I wish you would strike her down with a lightning bolt...
and fry her into one of those little Mexican cinnamon sticks.
They're called churros.
Yeah, churros. Amen.
[ Mouths Word ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I hoped Frank would be feelin' better...
by the time he got out of the hotbox, but he wasn't.
In fact, he wasn't feelin' much at all. What happened to your shoes?
Uh, I guess someone took 'em.
[ Earl Narrating ] Frank had done the one thing you don't want to do in prison.
He had given up. [ Body Thuds ]
And that made him a target, the worst kind of target.
Frank, James is tattooing his name on your ass. Mmm.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I knew I had to make Frank's problem my priority.
We're gonna find you a new girlfriend.
Hey, man, what do you think this means?
[ Earl Narrating ] There were two choices for gettin' Frank a new girlfriend in prison:
female prison guards-- [ Snorts, Spits ]
Okay, there was really only one choice:
the letter-writin' women who were on the prowl for inmates.
Apparently, these women used some Web site called Convict Match...
to find the prisoner of their dreams.
All we had to do was make a video of Frank...
and have Randy put it into the Web site usin' a magic cord.
- Say "cheese." - You know, I don't want to do this.
You know, besides, no one's gonna love me the way Billie did.
Sure, they will. Come on, Frank. This is easy.
The bar's set so low, even that prisoner that's just a torso got a date.
Aww. Good for Pillow.
Well, then why aren't you doin' it?
[ Earl Narrating ] Well, I had to admit, it did get lonely on the inside.
And havin' a little female companionship sounded pretty nice.
[ Clears Throat ]
My name is Earl, and, uh, I didn't murder anybody.
I have $40 in my prison canteen account.
I like takin' long walks out in the yard.
I can bench-press my mom, and she's fat.
I've never been in love, but I've been married twice.
I love kids. But-But-But that-- that's not what got me in here.
I'm not sayin' anyone's ever actually confused me with Tom Selleck,
but I do get a lot of, "Hey, Magnum."
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy was workin' to solve her problem by bein' nice to someone she hated.
Hey, Catalina. Brought you a present.
It's a donkey, for you.
Just because we're friends.
Now, the stick-- the stick you're gonna have to earn.
Give me your cell phone, and it's yours.
Then you can get all the Mexican candy inside that your people like to break their teeth on.
Actually, Joy, I'm gonna keep my phone,
the donkey,
and I would like the stick.
[ Forced Chuckle ] That's not the deal, friend.
Excuse me. Would anybody like to see Joy--
Take the stick! Take it, take it, take it, take it! Take the stick.
I thought you had her, baby.
I just got outsmarted by an illegal.
I am so votin' in '08!
[ Earl Narrating ] A few days later, me and Frank found out...
we were convict matches for two ladies who wrote to us and were comin' to visit.
Randy even hooked us up with the conjugal apartment.
And I'm gonna give you guys twice as much time.
But if anyone asks, just remember to say...
you each had sex with your own girl, then switched.
Otherwise, I could get in trouble.
- Hi. - Are you Annie or Lucy?
Lucy. Hi, Frank.
Wow. You're even cuter than in your video. Are you in for life?
Because I'm looking for a long-term relationship. Oops.
Uh, can you excuse me for a minute? I gotta pee when I'm nervous.
That's disgusting. You know, Billie never peed.
Frank, look around. We're in prison.
If that girl's biggest problem is that she pees, you're in good shape.
What you need to do is lower your standards.
- Annie? - [ High-pitched Voice ] Hi, Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] After a few more potty breaks, Frank and Lucy started hittin' it off.
Wow. Your arms are really strong. Yeah?
I wonder if my dad has strong arms.
If I meet him, I'm gonna hug him and never let go, 'cause he's my daddy.
[ Giggling ]
Do you want to know what got me about your video? No, thank you.
Meow. All right. We're gonna hit the bedroom.
[ Door Closes ] So, Annie.
You've got a wiener, right?
[ Low Voice ] Doesn't function, if that makes you feel any better.
[ Man ] Gentlemen, put your hands together...
for Catalina!
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was tryin' to keep Annie's hands off me,
Joy was tryin' to get her hands on Catalina's phone.
El delete-o la picture-o. [ Beeping ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Then she decided to steal herself a new cell phone for all her trouble.
Me and Annie got to talking, 'cause, well, we had no other choice.
And it turned out she-- that's what she said to call him-- was easy to talk to.
I didn't really commit the crime,
but I still feel like I deserve to be here because of karma.
I know it sounds confusing.
Heck, people have been calling me confusing my whole life, but I'm not.
That's why I'm goin' through with this whole surgery.
"Hole surgery"? You'd think they'd have a fancier name for it.
They do. It's called vaginoplasty.
[ Man ] * Hey, hey, whoo Hey, hey, whoo *
So, we gonna make out or--
You know, Annie, if-- if I was here for 30 years or somethin',
I might be able to justify it.
But I get out in two, so-- I get it.
* Hey, hey, whoo Hey, hey, whoo *
* Hey, hey ** You know, top half's already done.
You wanna squeeze?
Technology.
Frank, step away from the girl.
I can't do that. I need her to look more like Billie. Billie has her belly button pierced.
- She's not Billie. - Nah, not yet.
Let him do it. He's fixing me.
Look, we'll get Billie back, okay? The real Billie.
You-You really think we could get her back?
- Think we're gonna have to. - Now you're talkin', Earl.
This probably isn't gonna help your abandonment issues, huh?
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was tryin' to solve Frank's problem,
Joy's problem was startin' up again.
Oh, snap!
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy thought she'd put her mess behind her, but she hadn't.
[ Ringing ]
What? I don't know who stoled your phone.
Yes, I know what "Already downloaded the JPEG" means.
Darnell! What's a JPEG, what's downloadin',
and why am I holdin' a picture of me crappin' my pants again?
[ Narrating ] Billie wouldn't accept any of Frank's phone calls or answer his letters,
so I knew it was gonna take somethin' big to get her back,
somethin' that would make Billie feel like her and Frank were even.
Since Billie was mad at Frank for showin' me her naked picture,
we decided to show Frank to the whole world.
Joy decided the problem with her picture was gonna need a big solution too,
so she got out her poison cookie recipe...
and made a special delivery to take care of everything.
[ Man ] Gentlemen, put your hands together for Catalina!
[ Man ] * Jump up jump up and get down *
* Jump, jump, jump, jump *
* Jump, jump, jump, jump **
[ Earl Narrating ] Turned out Joy no longer had that killer instinct...
and swapped out the main ingredient. [ Cackling ]
* Jump * [ Man ] Where are you going?
* Jump up ** [ Men Shouting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] This moment would forever be captured in Joy's memory.
Occupied! Occupied! You're lucky you're not dead, bitch.
[ Earl Narrating ] And more importantly, in her camera.
¡Esperamos que no te daba asco este cuento!
¡Nosotros pensamos que era chistoso!
[ Earl Narrating ] It had been days, and we were still waitin'...
to hear somethin' from Billie.
Do you know a three-letter word that might have a six in it?
Excuse me. I'm here to see Frank Stump.
I'm Billie Cunningham, his girlfriend.
- She's here! Billie's here! - Really?
Thanks, Earl. Hey, I-I gotta get her some flowers.
You think anyone would mind if I take any carnations off of Jose's memorial in the yard?
Anyone cared about Jose, he'd still be alive.
Okay. Tell Billie I'll be right there, and only say that.
Jose's dead? Oh, man.
I never got to tell him it was me who played that joke on him.
[ Laughing ] I took the skinheads' radio, and I hid it in Jose's bed.
[ Laughing ]
Frank, uh, will be right here. No costume?
We're makin' love today. Oh, that's sweet.
Actually, I'm glad I saw you.
That stuff you said last time about life giving you a second chance got me thinking,
and I reenrolled in nursing school.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turned out Billie used to be on a good path.
Frank met her the day she graduated community college-- Whoo!
and, well, things went downhill from there.
Frank was already leading a life of crime,
and bein' a romantic, he wanted someone to share his life with.
Go ahead. Take something. What?
Go. Go. Do it. It's fun. Go ahead. Take something.
[ Pops Lips ]
Okay. Your turn.
Uh--
[ Earl Narrating ] And while stealin' may have given Billie a rush,
she still worried about the consequences.
Do you think we're goin' to hell for all this?
You know, I don't believe in heaven and hell.
I think death is more like an after-party,
where everyone goes to the same club to drink some beers...
and smoke a little somethin' somethin'.
Like the Peach Pit After Dark. Totally.
[ Man ] * Rock and roll **
[ Earl Narrating ] But love can make you do crazy things, like armed robbery.
Mmm!
- Nobody move! - [ Screams ]
[ Gunshots ] Hey, honey, honey.
Sorry. I know it's not how we practiced it, but I just got really excited.
Sorry, everyone. Sorry.
When you said that stuff, I kind of looked at my life...
and realized I was tired of bein' a--
Hairy loser. Uh, I was just gonna say loser.
No, no, you're fine.
I meant that's how it felt when I turned my life around. Doin' good feels good.
Yeah, and doin' bad feels bad. It sounds so simple.
Why don't more people do it? I don't know.
Well, it feels great, except I'm missing a class to be here right now.
Two actually. It's a long drive.
Wait. You're missin' classes for Frank?
Not-- Not that Frank's not great.
I mean, the guy can make wine out of shampoo.
I'm not even sure if Jesus can do that.
He's great.
Well, now that we're getting back together,
I'm probably gonna have to take a little break from school.
Maybe try and start up again in a year or two, or 13, when he gets out.
Someday I will do it.
Right. Well, I'll go get him.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was in a rough spot, one I'd never been in before.
I had to make a choice between helpin' someone on my list...
or helpin' someone who really deserved it. [ Whistling ]
Frank, we need to talk.
[ Earl Narrating ] I explained to Frank that as much as he wanted Billie back in his life,
not havin' him in hers was what she needed.
And that if he really loved her,
he'd let her go so she could live the life she was meant to.
You're right.
You know, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me,
but I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to her.
Guess it's time for me to just man up and do the right thing.
I've always had trouble saying good-bye to women in my life.
I think it's 'cause my grandmother breast-fed me too long.
Okay.
[ Earl Narrating ] I waited for Frank,
'cause while I may have made him feel like he wasn't good enough to be with Billie,
I didn't want him to feel alone.
Shh!
[ Man ] * When a man loves a woman *
Billie.
I think you'll make a great nurse.
* He'll trade the world * Take care, Earl.
* For the good thing he's found *
* If she is bad he can't see it *
How'd it go? * She can do no wrong *
Oh, you know, I felt like crying. I felt like killing you.
I felt like callin' my grandma.
I felt thirsty.
But mostly, once I said it, I felt like a real decent guy...
maybe for the first time in, like, ever.
That's what happens when you do the right thing.
Yeah, it's nice. It's real nice.
You know, it's not as nice as high-fivin' myself in the mirror...
when I'm doin' a hot chick-- yeah--
but it's nice.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was really proud of Frank.
But more important, Frank was proud of himself.
* When a man loves a woman *
* Down deep in his soul *
[ Earl Narrating ] And I couldn't stop thinkin' about Billie,
that there was someone out there workin' to do good things in life...
after years of doin' bad-- someone like me.
* If she plays him for a fool *
* He's the last one to know * Naked picture!
[ Excited Shouting ]
* Lovin' eyes can't ever see **