My name is Earl.
Wow. I can't believe you're gettin' out today.
You could earn some time-off certificates too if you did good things for the warden.
I'm in here for 20 years, Earl.
That would mean I'd have to spend 10 straight years doin' good things.
Who's got that kind of time?
Hey, Earl. Frank and I, Paco, made this for you,
so you don't forget your time in here, huh?
Thanks, guys.
Don't tell me you're here to pick up Earl too.
You don't even have a car. What's he gonna do, ride bitch on your donkey?
No, if he wanted to ride bitch, he'd climb on your back.
You look sweaty. Is that from cleanin' or strippin'?
Maybe if you had as many jobs as you do illegitimate children, you wouldn't live in a camper.
- No offense, Darnell. - This is between you two ladies.
Are you all here to watch me and Earl do one of them super-slow runnin' hugs...
like they did in that movie, Cherries of Fire?
I've been practicing.
That's sweet. I wish our boys would bond as brothers.
They keep playin' this game called "eye poke."
It's all fun until one of them gets poked in the eye.
Hey, there he is.
[ Earl Narrating ] Finally, it was the moment I'd been workin' for all those months.
I was gonna be free.
Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!
Randy, calm down. You're gonna piddle on the rug.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Ron. Open up. I'm gettin' out today.
I brought you a caramel apple because all the sweet stuff is on the outside.
I've really been gettin' into food metaphors lately.
Life's changed since you've been on the inside.
Earl, we-- we got a problem. You're not on the list of prisoners gettin' out today.
What? And I hate to kick you when you're down,
but you're also not on the extra pudding list.
- What's the holdup? - I gotta talk to the warden.
He's not on the pudding list.
Earl, nobody loves pudding more than me,
but you gotta pick your battles!
You shredded my certificates? I thought you might be cheesed off.
That's why I had 'em shackle you. Look. I'm sorry, but I'm not lettin' you out.
Now I know I should've said something earlier, but I tend to ignore problems.
You'd be surprised how often they go away.
But we had a deal. We shook on it, remember?
Both our hands were a little damp, so they made that farty noise and we giggled?
I know. But all the help you've been givin' me has made me look so competent.
Even my wife is impressed. She is talkin' about letting me get my own bank account.
I've done everything you asked me to. I'm supposed to go home today!
Oh, come on. How about this for a deal?
You scratch my back, and...
my back won't itch.
Plus, I won't throw you in solitary.
Deal?
Okay, deal. [ Yells ]
Deal with that. [ Whimpering ]
What's the point of shackles if he can do that?
You can't do this. I'm supposed to be free.
Look, I'll let you out of solitary when you agree to help me.
- [ Guard ] Hey, get in there! - Well, what good are shackles if he can do that?
Man, we haven't stood outside a prison this long...
since we went tailgatin' at that guy's execution.
- Hey, for the record, I was protesting. - Whatever.
This is clearly not happening. Let's just get outta here.
Wait. You guys can't go. We were gonna build a human pyramid for Earl.
Now it's just gonna be two people kneelin' next to each other in a parking lot.
- That doesn't say "Welcome home." - [ Engine Starts ]
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to go too.
If I don't get a seat on the bus, I'm gonna have to stand and hold the pole.
It just feels like work.
He's gonna hate this pyramid.
[ Earl Narrating ] The point of solitary confinement...
is to break down a prisoner's mental state...
by keepin' him alone in a box 24 hours a day.
Fortunately, state law said that each week I had the right to a weekly prayer service.
- Please kneel. - Unfortunately, the warden found a way around that law.
[ Priest ] ...is of vanity. Amen.
I was also allowed a daily shower...
and an hour of exercise.
- [ Roars ] - Charging.
After a while, I decided it was better to just stay in my cell...
and find other ways to fill my time.
And... reverse.
Double time.
I tried to keep my sanity by developin' new hobbies. Three words.
Movie. First word:
"Eyes." Uh, "owl."
Uh, uh, "s-sleep"--
Uh, uh-- [ Stammering ] "Sleepless"--
Sleepless in Seattle! But that didn't work.
And after a few weeks, my mind just took off on its own.
Don't want it! You're just tryin' to fatten me up for Thanksgiving!
Well, nobody eats Earl J. Turkey!
Gobble, gobble, gobble. Geek, geek. Gobble, gobble, gobble.
[ Scatting Classical March ] * Brump, brump brump-bump-bump *
* Brump, brump, brump-bump-bump, Brump, brump brump-bump-bump **
Hey, flutes, just once, could you wait for my cue?
** [ Man Gibbering ] [ No Audible Dialogue ]
** [ Gibbering Continues ]
Cuckoo!
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble?
You ready to play ball? Yeah, but you might have to carry me.
I've traded my legs in for magic beans.
[ Whispering ] I've disguised them as legs.
Shh.
Hey! You broke just in time.
I need help gettin' this place ready for Christmas.
Hey, just because the prisoners can't be with their families for the holidays or get gifts...
or have the big Christmas dinner doesn't mean they shouldn't have Christmas spirit.
I-It's Christmas already? Yeah-- Christmas 2010.
[ Laughs ] Oh, I'm just kiddin'!
What, did you lose your sense of humor in there? [ Chuckles ]
Do you wanna lie down? Do you wanna go stand in the yard?
I wish I could give you more options, but ya are in prison.
Not for long. What?
It's time to bust outta this place.
[ Earl Narrating ] I knew breakin' out of prison was gonna be hard,
so I got the old gang back together.
Sure. Sure, I'll help you think of a way to escape.
As long as you guys don't sic a dog on me and drag me back in like last time.
Frank, again, we're sorry about that.
Nah, I'm just kiddin'. I'm over it. Look, I really don't know how to break out,
but if you want a list of stuff that doesn't work, I'm your guy.
[ Earl Narrating ] Frank had a lot to teach us.
Things like: if you're gonna disguise yourself as an infirmary nurse,
make sure you don't look too pretty.
Female! [ Yells ]
[ Grunts, Yelping ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Also, don't try to sneak out when they throw away the old mattresses.
[ Man Yelping ] Got one.
[ Man ] * We gotta get out of this place * [ Laughing Loudly, Whoops ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Or, if you do get over the fence, don't take time to celebrate.
[ Whoops ]
We knew what didn't work. Now we had to find a plan that did.
So, while I was stuck doin' the warden's errands, I kept my eyes open for weak spots.
- I looked for loose drains. - [ Water Gurgling In Distance ]
I even checked to see if the fire alarm could create a useful distraction.
* If it's the last thing we ever do * But that wasn't gonna work.
* We gotta get out of this place *
* Girl, there's a better life *
* For me and you * Finally, I found a little opening.
Now I had to figure out where that opening led.
* I know it, baby You know it too **
It wasn't hard to find the prison blueprints.
The warden got lost so much, he had 'em laminated...
so he could take 'em with him on the way to the bathroom.
The problem was gonna be getting 'em back to the barracks without anyone noticin'.
So if we go into that air duct, we'll have a direct path-- [ Laughing ]
from that storage closet to the loading dock, and then, boom, we're outside.
Yeah, but gettin' to the loading dock is only half the battle.
We still have to get through the front gate. And then they search everything.
And I mean everything, even coffins.
You know, I once spent seven hours spooning a dead guy for nothin'.
Well, if we can't get past the front gate, we're back to square one.
But, Earl, they don't search everyone.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy sometimes just says things to be a part of the conversation,
this time he knew what he was talkin' about.
Let 'em through. I frisked a nun one time. Got the runs for two weeks.
Could've been God. Could've been a bad meatball.
Can't take any chances.
[ Earl Narrating ] And since the prison had a mass every Wednesday, I had a plan.
The other guys thought it was a good one.
I think this escape is the one that's gonna work.
Well, I always say that, but this time I really mean it.
Yeah, and just in case we need a little insurance-- [ Clears Throat ]
I made a zip gun.
But I only have one bullet,
so hopefully all the guards'll be standing in a line at some point.
[ Yelps ] Geez! Man!
[ Man In Distance ] Hey, what's up?
[ Earl Narrating ] After Frank melted down all my bedsprings,
we had another bullet.
And, before we knew it, it was Wednesday-- time to break out.
You're cheating.
What? No one calls me a cheater. Now I'm gonna push you.
That's it. Knock it off.
You and you...
and you are comin' with me.
[ Earl Narrating ] Things were in motion inside the prison,
but we still needed some help on the outside.
Luckily, my friends were so mad about the warden screwin' me over,
they were willin' to help.
I need a ride to Planned Parenthood...
or some spiritual guidance on whether or not to keep my baby.
- Where's Father Tadone? - He called in sick.
- Where's Sister Bernadette? - She called in sick too.
We're a little suspicious ourselves.
[ Narrating ] Usually, when a guard leads you down a deserted hallway, it's a bad thing.
Today it wasn't.
This is it. I'll see you on the outside, Randy.
You just called me "Randy." I'm nervous.
Not everyone's made out of steel like you, Randy.
Damn it. [ Pats Shoulder ]
[ Earl Narrating ] From that moment on, there was no turnin' back.
- [ Rat Squeaking ] - Everything was workin' out,
but we still had to get into the air vent that would lead to the loading dock.
There it is. Is everyone here?
Yep. Yep.
-Yep. -Randy, what are you doin' here? You're gonna get in trouble.
Why? I'm allowed to go home. They never said what route I had to take.
- ** [ Gospel Organ Flourishes ] - Shh. They're startin' up. Let's go.
- Brothers and... brothers dressed as sisters-- - [ Giggling ]
God's up there thinkin', "Sure, I am all-powerful,
but I could still use a little encouragement."
- [ Prisoners Affirming ] - [ Tambourine Rattling ]
And if you give the Lord just one little tiny "hey," he'll give you 100 "hos" in return.
** [ Organ Continues ]
[ Chanting ] * When I say Holy, you say Ghost Holy * * Ghost *
* Holy * * Ghost *
* When I say butter you say toast *
- * Butter, butter * - * Toast, toast *
* When I say Springer you say host *
- * Springer, Springer * - * Host, host **
[ Earl Narrating ] Now that things were loud, we could make some noise of our own.
* Oh, Jesus, you're so fine You're so fine you blow my mind *
* Hey, Jesus, hey, Jesus * * Hey, hey Sing it with me **
** [ Chanting Continues In Distance ]
Yeah!
[ Prisoners ] * Hallelujah *
- * Say hallelujah * - * Hallelujah **
** [ Call And Response Continues In Distance ]
Hallelujah.
[ Metal Creaking ]
[ Yelps ]
Put the phone down. I should've gone for the gun.
Oh, crap. What do I do? This is huge. Think, Hickey.
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, that's what that does.
You were probably lookin' for this one. It says "Alarm."
Randy! Everybody be still and let me figure out what to do with our hostage.
Hostage? What happened to us? We used to be friends.
You shredded my certificates and threw me in solitary.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I missed you.
I used to peek through the slot and watch you sleep sometimes. Shut up!
[ Earl Narrating ] While I was trying to come up with a new plan,
Joy and Darnell were still busy executin' the old one.
And their next step was gettin' rid of the guard.
[ Groans Softly ]
Where the hell'd you learn to do that? It doesn't matter.
We have 14 minutes and 36 seconds before he wakes up.
Wait a second. Did you use that on me the other night...
when I was beggin' for round two and then mysteriously passed out?
- Sorry, baby. I'm not a machine. - [ Exhales ]
Well, it's been 10 minutes. Have you thought of anything yet?
I almost had an idea, but now I lost it. Thanks a lot.
That happens to me all the time. Maybe I could scare it back.
- No, that's hiccups. - I stand on my head and drink water.
- That's neat. Try that, Earl. - That's for hiccups too.
- Well, don't you have hiccups? - No.
What are we talkin' about then?
Just thought of somethin'. Take your clothes off.
[ Gasps ]
God, where the hell are they? They should be here by now.
- I'm gonna go climb in the vent and look for them. - Really?
No one went in to save my Uncle Clyde...
when he was unfairly incarcerated for taking Licorice from a candy store.
Licorice was his daughter. He had every right to take her.
Be careful, baby.
- Hey, Frank, where's Earl? - He and Randy fell through the ceiling.
Poor kid tried flapping his arms, but it just kept him from protecting his face.
Never leave a man behind. Civilians.
I can't do it, Randy. I just can't do it.
We can't pretend you're the warden if you have a mustache.
So what's the big deal? Mustaches are so 20 years ago.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. By the time you get out of here,
they'll be 40 years ago.
Yeah? Well, you might not even see the next 40 years.
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd been holdin' in my anger for a long time,
- but in that moment, somethin' just snapped. - [ Metal Creaking ]
Don't move-- any of ya!
[ Tone Squealing ] Ah! That's the fax.
- [ Frank Yells ] - Oh, thank God.
- Uh, excuse me. Where's my husband and ex-husband? - Uh, they're pretty screwed.
But don't worry. Me and Paco can still escape. Let's go. You're driving.
Hell, no. I'm wearin' a nun dress and am thusly powered by the wrath of God.
Damn, I'm even talkin' in Bible.
Uh, you know, you're a strong woman, and I admire that.
And I'm sorry for what I'm about to do.
Holy crap. You need to do some groomin'.
Looks like a thimble wearin' a clown wig down there.
You know, Earl, all you had to do was play along.
You would have been out of prison in less than two years.
Now you're gonna be stuck behind bars for the rest of your life.
- Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crabman.
Richard Jammer?
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out, the warden had another life before he married the governor.
Hi. I'm the cable repairman. I'm here to turn on your box.
Well, that's great, 'cause I'm tired of usin' my rabbit ears. [ Chuckles ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And part of that life was in Darnell's old apartment.
[ Man ] Cut! Cut! Who's this guy?
Hey, Harry, they're givin' us 500 bucks to film this in here.
Okay. Oh, but let me put a cover over Mr. Parrot's cage.
I don't wanna have to hear him talkin' about this all night.
Warden, you okay? What's goin' on?
[ Earl Narrating ] What was goin' on was the warden was thinkin' about how his past...
could ruin his wife's career... and his marriage.
Nothing. Just a drill.
You know, you fellas could shave a few seconds off your response time.
Uh, these gentlemen are just installing, uh, some skylights,
and as for my clothes, well, you happened to have caught me in a moment of self-pleasure.
I would appreciate your discretion. That will be all.
[ Door Closes ] Earl.
Nobody needs to know about what you did today, son,
as long as nobody finds out what I did in the '80s and...
that little comeback in the '90s.
Deal? Yeah. Whoo!
[ Gunshot ] [ Earl Narrating ] Didn't add up.
What I deserved and what I got were two separate things.
Still fine. Good hustle, though.
[ Alarm Buzzes ] To keep me quiet, the warden honored my certificates.
Of course, I was happy to get out, but...
I couldn't shake the feeling that somethin' just didn't make sense.
All of us had done bad things, but only two of us were payin' for it.
Yeah! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
[ Man ] * Yet I swear I see my reflection *
- Catalina! - [ Frank ] Paco! Paco! No, no, no! Paco!
[ Paco Screaming ]
[ Siren Blares ]
Yeah. * I see my light *
* Come shining *
* From the west unto the east * [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't understand.
Karma should've been kickin' my ass, and instead it was rewardin' me.
I couldn't explain it. All I knew was-- * Any day now *
I was free. * I shall be released **