1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,137
[ Earl Narrating ]
Ever since the Shoney's
burned down,

2
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:07,775
the Crab Shack was Camden's best
place to have a "welcome home
from prison" party.

3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,711
But you had to get there early
to claim the pool table.

4
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:14,582
[ Slurring ]
Hey, Earl. Drinky, drinky.

5
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,517
I made some eggnog.

6
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:23,124
- [ Gagging ]
- [ Laughing ]

7
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:25,259
It's not eggnog.

8
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:27,661
It's just margarita
with a egg in it.

9
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,630
It's awful.

10
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,732
[ Earl Narrating ]
It sure felt good
to be out of prison.

11
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:35,803
- There was just one problem.
- [ Groans ]

12
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,172
Prison wasn't quite out of me.

13
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,741
My name is Earl.

14
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:51,719
Hey, Earl. I'm glad you got out
in time for Christmas.
Yeah, me too.

15
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:54,722
I picked the leader
of the skinheads
as my secret Santa.

16
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:57,125
And what do you get for the guy
who hates everything?

17
00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:59,260
Oh, Earl.
I meant to tell you this,

18
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,795
but I was unconscious
for the last 15 minutes.

19
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:05,899
But I got your list back
from the prison
property department.

20
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:09,270
[ Laughs ]
You may wanna add
"Broke Randy's nose" to it.

21
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:12,140
Man. It must feel good
to have the list back.

22
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,675
Like Linus getting
his blanket back.

23
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:17,711
'Course, he's probably
grown up now, with kids
of his own.

24
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:22,550
Now he's the one going,
"Wah, wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah, wah."

25
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:27,488
Yeah, yeah. It's, uh--
It's good to see this again.

26
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,857
[ Earl Narrating ]
I said I felt good,
but truth be told,

27
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,859
I wasn't sure how I felt.

28
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:35,496
You see, it was doing
a good thing for Joy
that got me thrown in prison,

29
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:39,900
and doing good things in prison
eventually got me thrown
in the hole.

30
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,903
In fact, the only reason
I got out of prison was...

31
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:46,073
- 'cause I was in the middle
of doin' something bad.
- [ Screams ]

32
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:49,677
After everything that happened,
karma had me pretty confused.

33
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:52,280
- What number
you gonna do next, Earl?
- I don't know.

34
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:55,516
I think, uh, maybe I need
to get settled first.

35
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:59,187
You know, get my life
back in order.

36
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:02,790
[ Earl Narrating ] I thought
I'd feel better once I got back
in our old motel room,

37
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,726
but unfortunately the mayor
decided to start
a new Christmas tradition--

38
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:09,197
hiding the homeless
for the holidays.

39
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,467
Whoa! Check it out.
Gary's white!

40
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,905
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out there was only
one room left.

41
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,941
[ Buzzer Sounds ]

42
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,977
To get my life back on track,
I needed a job.
[ Tires Squealing ]

43
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:27,948
Unfortunately, there was
only one business in town
that would hire ex-cons.

44
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:31,652
So I was the new delivery guy
for the Camden Foreign Food
Restaurant.

45
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,555
Damn it, Randy, you said
you secured Senor Lo Mein.

46
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:36,757
You know, for the guy
who gets to wear the costume...

47
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,327
and ring all the doorbells,
you sure are grouchy.

48
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,495
Let's just
get this over with.

49
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,836
Ralph?

50
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:53,173
Actually, it's Stan Johansen.
[ Chuckles ]

51
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:55,909
[ Earl Narrating ]
Ralph's life had taken
a few interesting turns...

52
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,512
since he hopped over
the prison wall six months ago.

53
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,714
He was so desperate
to get away from that prison,

54
00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:04,552
he got in the first car
that would pick up
a man with no pants.

55
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,422
Oh, my God. Hop in.
All right.

56
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:11,659
And to make you
more comfortable,
I'll take off my shirt.

57
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:19,667
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Ralph ]
Stop the car. Stop the car!

58
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:26,374
You're lucky I can't drive
a stick, or I'd kick your ass
and take your car, pervert.

59
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:31,312
And if you tell anybody
what we did, I'll kill you!

60
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:38,118
[ Earl Narrating ]
Ralph was gettin' more and more
desperate as the days wore on.

61
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,953
[ Man ]
* And my legs are thin *

62
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,989
* But don't ask me
what I think of you *

63
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,392
* I might not give the answer
that you want me to *

64
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,464
[ Earl Narrating ]
Until finally,
he saw a way out.

65
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:53,301
* Oh, well **

66
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:58,105
Oh, my.

67
00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:00,641
You look like
you could use some pants.

68
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:03,277
What good eyes you have,
Grandma.

69
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,513
Well, come on in, young man.

70
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:12,720
[ Earl Narrating ]
Lucky for Ralph,
Doris was one of those widows...

71
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,689
that never threw out
her dead husband's clothes.

72
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,094
Ooh. Sweet Coke bottles.

73
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,996
[ Doris ]
Stan?

74
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,068
Stan, is that you?

75
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,238
Why, sure it is, sweetie pie.

76
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:34,342
Stan.
Who else would it be?

77
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,610
Oh, Stanley!

78
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,414
[ Laughing ]

79
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,683
Hey, what's
my A.T.M. number again?

80
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,886
[ Laughing ]
Oh, I got it made, buddy.

81
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,789
Every Wednesday
I get my pension check.

82
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:51,191
Plus, he died
with a fully stocked
medicine chest.

83
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:54,995
I don't know what "E.D." is,
but, buddy, you won't believe
what those pills do.

84
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,665
I don't believe this.
We're living
in a laundry room.

85
00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,668
- Everything okay
in here, Stan?
- Oh, yeah, sugarplum.

86
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,836
Just my food being delivered.

87
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:05,739
She gets a little nervous
when there's strange men
in the house.

88
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:09,843
I can't even take off my glasses
or she freaks out. Watch.

89
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:14,114
- [ Screams ]
- Oh.

90
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,850
Oh, you!

91
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:20,554
Oh, I love you.
[ Kissing Sounds ]
Yeah.

92
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,790
Okay. You guys gotta
get out of here.

93
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:27,528
I gotta eat, then, uh,
I gotta give Doris her bath.

94
00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:30,230
Ain't all peaches and cream.
[ Clears Throat ]

95
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,800
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was starting to feel
more like life on the outside...

96
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,935
was worse than it was
in prison.

97
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:38,772
[ Farting ]

98
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:42,242
What's the matter, Earl?
Consuelo's farting
keeping you up too?

99
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,512
This sucks, Randy.

100
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:47,948
I'm an ex-con, I'm broke,
I got a crappy job.

101
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,551
That's okay, Earl.
Don't be sad.
We've lived on floors before.

102
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:54,254
Not after I spent two years
of my life doing good things,
we haven't.

103
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:57,891
Randy, things
were supposed to be
better than this by now.

104
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,494
Hey, maybe you should go ahead
and do something on your list.

105
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:03,564
That always
makes you feel better.
I don't know.

106
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:06,099
Fine. I'll pick something.

107
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,870
Here's a good one.
Number 205--

108
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:13,507
"Ruined Club Chubby's
Mistletoe."

109
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:16,944
I like it.
It's Christmassy.

110
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,946
[ Earl Narrating ]
Couple years ago,
Randy had stolen...

111
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:22,583
what he thought was a laser gun
but ended up just being
a laser pointer.

112
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:24,752
Still fun though.

113
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,488
It's like having
a tiny green hand
I can put wherever I want.

114
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:31,258
[ Man On P.A. ]
Gentlemen, put your hands
together for Mistletoe.

115
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:34,928
[ Man ] * Run, run, Rudolph
Santa's gotta make it to town *

116
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:37,130
- [ Groans ]
- [ Crowd ]
Oh!

117
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:43,437
- [ Laughing ]
- You son of a bitch.
That was you?

118
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:46,940
They had to fuse my spine.
I got to wear this thing
for two more years.

119
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,977
Listen, I said
I was sorry so--
No, you didn't.

120
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,012
Well, whatever.
It's implied.
I'm here, aren't I?

121
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,716
Earl, maybe you forgot
in prison,

122
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:59,286
but usually when you talk
to people on the list,
you use your nice guy voice.

123
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,154
I told you I wasn't
ready for this.

124
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,958
I had a quarter wedged in
this thing for over a year and
can't get the damn thing out.

125
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:08,295
That sucks. I've had
a candy corn stuck in my ear
since I was nine.

126
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,930
Sometimes it attracts ants.

127
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:13,867
Okay, life's rough.
Things get stuck places.
We can all agree on that.

128
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,303
Anyway, like I was sayin',
I got this list,
and to cross you off...

129
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:19,206
I need to do something
to make it up to you,
so what can I do?

130
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,610
I get to pick anything?
Yeah, if you calm down
a little bit.

131
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,045
I'm not gonna let you pick
while you're pissed.

132
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,180
It's like letting you
go grocery shopping hungry.

133
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,817
[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't want to do
what Mistletoe chose,

134
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,052
but I was trying
to get my life back on track,

135
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:36,056
and my last hope
was the list.
[ Cheers, Whistles ]

136
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,896
Come on, baby.
Spin 'em.

137
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,700
[ Cheering, Whistling ]

138
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,413
What are you doin', Earl?
Your next shift's about to--

139
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,482
[ Gasps ]
Hey, you're smoking.

140
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:05,018
Why are you smoking?
Quittin' was on your list.

141
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:08,255
I'm smoking 'cause
some old Texan dude just
offered to buy me a boob job.

142
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,223
It's a little stressful, okay?

143
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:13,360
If it makes you feel
any better, Mistletoe seems
like she's a lot happier.

144
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,262
I can see a spring
in her step.

145
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,999
- Randy, that's caused
by an actual spring.
- [ Horn Honking ]

146
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,236
Hey, good buddy.
What's goin' on?

147
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:26,707
Look what I found
in Doris's garage.
Sweet ride, huh?

148
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,109
Rock and roll!
[ Laughs ]

149
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,146
[ Man On P.A. ]
For the second time today,

150
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:36,617
let's put your hands together
for Earl Hickey!

151
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,986
Come on. We're leavin'.
What? Why?

152
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:41,689
What about Mistletoe?
What about the list?

153
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,493
I'm not doin' it anymore.

154
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,562
That's right.
[ Exhales ]

155
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:51,098
I'm finished with the list.

156
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:54,501
- You can't.
Something bad might happen.
- Oh, really?

157
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:57,504
Ralph's an escaped convict
who's stealing from
an old lady.

158
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,439
Nothin' bad's happening to him.

159
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:03,210
I'm pretty sure
this karma stuff
doesn't really exist.

160
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,112
I mean, think about it, Randy.

161
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:08,181
I got the whole idea
from Carson Daly,
for God sakes.

162
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:11,484
He's a talk show host
who's on after
two other talk show hosts.

163
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,587
What does that tell you?

164
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,956
Randy, look how many things
I've crossed off.

165
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,991
What do I have to show for it?
Nothin'.

166
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,393
If karma was real,
I'd have something good by now.

167
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:23,263
Where's my good thing, Randy?
Where's my good thing?

168
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,904
Okay.

169
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,444
[ Earl Narrating ]
I had given up my list,

170
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:40,247
and it was no surprise
my friends had
a strong reaction.

171
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:43,717
Oh, he's back.
My baby's back,
and he's bad again!

172
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:46,954
- Stan?
- Stan's goin' to dialysis,
snookums.

173
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,856
Don't wait up.

174
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:54,227
I hope you're here
to dance, Earl Hickey.

175
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:57,965
Yeah, uh, that's not
gonna happen. I kind of
lost the list... for good.

176
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:04,404
Well, hey, Catalina senorita.
Ooh. Now, that's tight.
No jiggle there.

177
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:08,108
I slapped that one over there
about 10 minutes ago,
and look. She's still wigglin'.

178
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:11,244
- [ Laughs ]
- Oh, Ralph, you're so crazy.

179
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:17,918
Ow! Damn, girl.
He just did it.

180
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:20,954
But you're a better person
than him. I don't expect
that kind of thing from you.

181
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:23,456
Well, I'm sick of people
expecting more from me.

182
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,159
How come I always have to act
better than everyone else?

183
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,062
I expect you to act
like a friend, not a jerk.

184
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,032
I don't like
the new Earl Hickey.

185
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,534
I'm not the new Earl Hickey.
I'm the old Earl Hickey.

186
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:37,170
You just never met him.
Whoa!

187
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,541
[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though we weren't
too popular with Catalina,

188
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:44,144
some of her coworkers
found us amusing.

189
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:47,014
We just needed
a place to take 'em.

190
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,082
Lucky for us,
I knew Joy and Darnell...

191
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,118
had taken the kids to see
her parents in Nathanville...

192
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,921
and wouldn't be back
until the next day.

193
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,659
[ Laughing ]

194
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,963
Y'all feel that?

195
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,565
I think
the trailer shifted.

196
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,835
Hey, let me try one.

197
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,337
Rock and roll!
Yeah!
Yeah!

198
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,773
- [ Together ]
Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
- Yeah!

199
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:17,144
Let's get this baby rockin'.

200
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,712
Yeah. Okay.

201
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:21,548
One, two, three!

202
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,216
[ All Yelling ]

203
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:28,255
[ Ralph ]
It's goin' over. Timber!

204
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:31,759
[ Hooting, Laughing ]

205
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:34,227
[ Snoring ]

206
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,901
Hey, Earl.

207
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,740
[ Yawns ]
Hey, Crabman.

208
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:51,444
What's up? You know, in regards
to our home being turned
on its side and whatnot?

209
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,115
- Oh, yeah.
- Sons of bitches.

210
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:58,418
What the hell did you do?
What the hell did you do?

211
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,454
[ Grunts ]

212
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,656
And talk fast,
'cause I'm gonna stab you
in the throat...

213
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,293
once I figure out
which one of these
is the knife drawer.

214
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,228
Oh, come on, Joy.

215
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:11,464
You gotta admit,
it's a little funny.
Tell her, Darnell.

216
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:15,468
Well, maybe in time
we'll come to find
the comic absurdity--

217
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,038
Oh, my God.

218
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:21,208
How long
was he on his back?

219
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,010
Found one.

220
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,948
Damn it.

221
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,958
All right, buddy,
it's been fun, but
I gotta get back to Doris.

222
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:39,960
I promised I'd take her
coffin shoppin' today.

223
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:42,762
Ralph, can we come in?
Oh, I don't know.

224
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:46,466
Too many movin' blobs
in the house might
make Doris nervous.

225
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,769
Well, we'll keep still.
Yeah--

226
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:52,405
Look, there's no way
Catalina's letting us sleep
in the laundry room anymore.

227
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,942
We're starving,
and I haven't showered
in days.

228
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,244
Yeah, you do kind of stink,
but, uh, you know,

229
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,412
if my goose gets nervous,
them golden eggs...

230
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:02,749
might stop falling from
her wrinkled little bottom,
and I can't risk that.

231
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:04,952
See you later.

232
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:09,389
[ Sniffs ]

233
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,869
[ Car Door Slams ]

234
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:28,541
[ Man ]
* I'll have a blue Christmas *

235
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:31,411
* Without you *

236
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,147
* I'll be so blue *

237
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:37,918
* Thinkin' about you *

238
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:42,990
* Decorations of red *

239
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:46,026
* On a green Christmas tree *

240
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:49,796
* Won't mean a thing, dear **

241
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,698
[ Earl Narrating ]
Didn't seem fair.

242
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,633
I was outside and hungry,

243
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:56,436
takin' a whore's bath
and eating birdseed
for breakfast...

244
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:59,272
all because Ralph
wasn't willing to share
his good fortune.

245
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,675
* There's skeeter
on my peter *

246
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:04,912
* Flick it off *

247
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:08,048
[ Earl Narrating ]
He had it so good,
he even had a sponge on a stick.

248
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,117
But all that
was about to change.

249
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,152
* There's a dozen
on my cousin *

250
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:15,288
* You can hear
those suckers comin' **

251
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,500
Earl, what are you doin'?

252
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:31,138
Actually, Ralph,
my name is Stan Johansen.

253
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,007
Yeah, nice try.
You don't even look
like Stan Johansen.

254
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,410
Is everything okay, Stan?

255
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,247
Somebody thinks
I look like Stan.

256
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:43,316
Yeah. Everything's fine,
puddin'.

257
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,786
Who's that man
in his underwear?

258
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:50,290
A friend who's
just about to leave.

259
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,425
The hell
are you doin', man?

260
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:55,528
That's my old lady.
Get your own sugar granny.
Too bad, Ralph.

261
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:58,365
I'm lookin' out
for number one.
Now, get off my property.

262
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:02,235
There's a new Stan in town.
Yeah, or how about
Die Hard 2?

263
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:07,307
[ Groaning ]

264
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:10,743
Earl, that's Ralph.
Maybe you can't see him
through those glasses.

265
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:14,281
You forgot something, Ralph.
Before I started that
stupid list, I was the boss.

266
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:18,051
I gave the orders.
Well, there's no list anymore,
so get goin'.

267
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,420
All right, fine.
Be Doris's husband.

268
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:23,590
But I ain't gonna tell you
where she keeps
the cookie jar money.

269
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:26,159
Oh, damn it.

270
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,330
What?
Ralph's been our buddy
for a long time.

271
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:32,699
Aw, he would have done
the same to us, Randy.

272
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:37,204
We're better off without him.
Just two brothers lookin' out
for each other.

273
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,372
By the way,
you can't sleep inside.

274
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,441
What?
Where am I gonna sleep?

275
00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:44,444
There's no room
at the motel,
and it's Christmas Eve.

276
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,480
I'm just like Jesus' baby.
Randy, it's just
for the first couple nights.

277
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,383
We gotta ease into it.
Tell you what.

278
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,320
Next week I'll let you
sit perfectly still
in the living room...

279
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:56,123
and tell Doris
you're a new chair.

280
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,029
[ No Audible Dialogue ]

281
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:17,044
* Silent night *

282
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:21,248
* Holy night *

283
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:25,018
[ Together ]
* All is calm *

284
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:28,755
* All is bright *

285
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:32,292
* Round yon virgins *

286
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:35,828
* Mother and child **

287
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:40,367
Doris, honey,
your high chair fell
off the toilet again.

288
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,872
- What the hell?
- Look, Stanley.

289
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:48,741
The whole family came home
for Christmas,

290
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,878
even my sister
who died in 1973.

291
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:54,047
[ Laughing ]

292
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,349
Silly bitch
put mothballs in my cocoa.

293
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,821
What are y'all doing here?
Get out now.

294
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,791
Nobody's leavin'
until you listen
to what we have to say.

295
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,095
We're here to save you
from yourself.
It's called an invention.

296
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:10,697
It's called
an inter-invention, dummy.

297
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:13,200
We brought Tim along
because he's been through
one of these. Right, Tim?

298
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:17,137
Twice. And I'm proud to say
it worked both times.

299
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:20,006
Now, sit down. Let's get
this show on the road.
I ain't got all day.

300
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:23,810
I got a Christmas ham
in the microwave
needs to be flipped.

301
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:26,012
We're all here
to tell you why
we liked you better nice.

302
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,848
Darnell, go.

303
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:33,052
Hey, Earl.
I've written a poem
that best expresses how I feel.

304
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:37,124
"Sadness falls on us all...

305
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,760
like food
from a sideways refrigerator."

306
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,662
Next.

307
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,866
Before I came to this country,
I never had any male friends...

308
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:50,170
because my mother
always taught me men are
only interested in one thing--

309
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:52,539
raping your mother.

310
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:56,176
Uh, yeah.
Can y'all come back to me?

311
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:58,178
I misunderstood
this whole thing.

312
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,680
I thought we were here
to kick his ass.

313
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:07,154
Earl, it was an honor
to be the first person
you crossed off your list.

314
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:11,524
Without your help,
I never would have experienced
the love of another man.

315
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,526
Next!

316
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,431
I'd follow you anywhere, Earl.

317
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:21,033
I followed you and karma
and your list,

318
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,203
and it took me
to all these wonderful people.

319
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,104
Now you're leadin' me
away from them...

320
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:28,241
and we're losin'
our friends,
and I don't like it.

321
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,743
I don't like this feelin'
I got in my stomach anymore.

322
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:33,280
It's not like when
we were helpin' people.

323
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:36,149
So let's just go back
to the way it was before.

324
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:39,319
Because if you do good things,
good things happen.

325
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:42,322
Right, Earl? Right?

326
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,129
Nope. There is no karma.

327
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,098
I did my list
for two years,

328
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:54,801
and the only good things
that happened were
for other people.

329
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,604
If good things were gonna
happen to me, they would
have happened by now.

330
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:01,474
But they didn't,
so screw the list,
screw karma...

331
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,611
and screw all of you
for ruinin'
my Christmas morning.

332
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,586
Doris, baby, everyone's leavin'.

333
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,088
Come say good-bye
to your dead sister.

334
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,491
[ Earl Narrating ]
I had no idea
where I was goin' to,

335
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:21,060
but I knew where
I was goin' from.

336
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:24,664
I wanted to get as far away
from those people
as I could.

337
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:38,778
[ Man ]
* Call out the instigators *

338
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:44,351
* Because there's
something in the air *
But karma came lookin' for me.

339
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:49,656
* We got to get together
sooner or later *

340
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:54,060
* Because the revolution's
here *

341
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:57,297
* And you know it's right *

342
00:19:58,265 --> 00:20:01,401
A wrapper--
A cheeseburger wrapper!

343
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:05,872
Ha! There is no karma!
* And you know
that's it's right *

344
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,441
Wahoo!
[ Grunts ]

345
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:11,110
* We have got
to get it together *

346
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:13,946
[ Groaning ]

347
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:16,349
* We have got
to get it together *
I thought karma was dead,

348
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,552
but she was just layin' low,
keepin' a tally of everything
I had done wrong.

349
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,754
[ Groaning ]
Okay, you're there.

350
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:24,023
I get it.

351
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:26,659
So you only punish me
for being bad?

352
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,529
How about rewardin' me
for bein' good?

353
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,464
What about that, huh?
[ Car Door Opens, Closes ]

354
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:35,134
Where's the good?
Earl?

355
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:40,807
- [ Earl Narrating ]
And there it was-- the good.
- Billie?

356
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:43,810
I'd met her a few months back.
She wasn't just pretty.

357
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,145
She was trying
to turn her life around,
just like me.

358
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,516
And ever since I met her,
I hadn't stopped
thinkin' about her.

359
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,618
She had really made
an impression on me,

360
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,753
and now she'd made an impression
on my whole body.

361
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:57,657
Oh, my God. I don't believe
this is happening.
You're gonna be okay.

362
00:20:57,724 --> 00:21:00,593
I was more than okay.
I was on top of the world.

363
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:04,096
I passed out knowing karma
had brought me my good thing,

364
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:08,868
and that, if I was lucky,
maybe we'd spend the rest
of our lives side by side.

365
00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:11,504
Stay still.
I'm gonna go get some help.

366
00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:13,773
* And you know
that it's right *
[ Horn Honks ]

367
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,008
[ Groans ]

368
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:21,948
* We have got
to get it together *

369
00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:26,085
* We have got to get it
together *

370
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,287
* Now **