1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,604 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,006 [ Earl Narrating ] Karma finally brought me my good thing, 3 00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:08,542 but then plowed into her at 40 miles an hour. 4 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,978 And I wasn't doing so good myself. 5 00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:14,848 But when you've been through rough times as much as I have, you learn ways to deal with it. 6 00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:16,850 Like when I was a kid. 7 00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:20,721 You call this dinner? I bust my hump all day, then I come home to salad? 8 00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:23,457 Well, I'm sorry. Here. I'll just pour some scotch on it. 9 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,659 Then I'm sure that you'll lick the plate clean. 10 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:28,028 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't grow up in the perfect home. 11 00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:31,732 But when things got bad, I turned on the TV and pretended I did. 12 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,934 Honey, are my pants done yet? 13 00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,470 My boss wanted me to go over the Johnson account this morning, 14 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,706 and I can't debrief in my briefs. 15 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,974 - [ Audience Laughing On TV ] - Why not? 16 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:45,646 He might take one look at those cute legs of yours and give you a raise. 17 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:49,783 [ Kisses ] [ Audience ] Aw. 18 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,687 [ Earl Narrating ] I guess that's why my mind did what it did. 19 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,824 It knew my body couldn't get to a TV to drown out the pain, 20 00:00:56,890 --> 00:01:00,661 so it took over and did what I had trained it to do when I was a kid. 21 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,832 - Honey, I'm home. - [ Audience Applauding ] 22 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,235 [ Earl Narrating ] My mind created a nice little world for me, 23 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:10,070 where my list was finished, dinner was always waiting, 24 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:14,208 any problem could be solved in a half hour, and I was married to Billie. 25 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:17,044 Hello, Mr. Senior Account Executive. 26 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:21,782 How's the new corner office? Well, it's so big it has two corners. 27 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:25,153 Well, that's two more corners than my father said you'd ever get. 28 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,690 [ Audience ] Aw. 29 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:33,127 Oh! Sam, the two-eyed mailman, delivered more wedding gifts today. 30 00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:35,796 Uh, not another toaster, I hope. Nope. 31 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,433 Four toasters! 32 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,204 Let me guess what's for dinner. 33 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,606 [ Together ] Toast! 34 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:50,711 [ Audience ] Ooh! 35 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,846 [ Sirens Wailing ] [ Earl Narrating ] Back in the real world, 36 00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:55,983 things weren't going so well for me or Billie. 37 00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:59,553 So, uh, you guys gonna cut off her shirt? 38 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,555 Earl? Earl! 39 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,891 What happened? What happened? 40 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:08,262 Uh, ex-Officer Daniels was driving by and found them in the street. 41 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,364 Yes. That is how it happened. 42 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,368 [ Horn Honks ] 43 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:19,240 [ Tires Screeching ] 44 00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:23,577 Please be a dog. Please be a dog. Please be a dog. 45 00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:29,617 Aw, crap. 46 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,585 Earl? 47 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,955 Wakey, wakey, if your neck's not breaky. 48 00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:39,527 His neck's not breaky, is it? Ambulance man, get over here before God takes him. 49 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,829 Don't take him, Your Majesty. 50 00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,265 Take me instead-- or my weight in squirrels. 51 00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:47,268 - Ambulance man! - Easy there, gorgeous. 52 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,970 Let 'em do their job, all right? 53 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:53,040 There are two people hurt here. The paramedics had to make a very difficult decision, 54 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:56,244 and, clearly, they have chosen the hot chick with the nice taters. 55 00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:01,649 [ Earl Narrating ] This wasn't the first time... 56 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,717 Randy had seen me on the ground fighting for my life. 57 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:07,187 [ Man ] * Me and my arrow * 58 00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:09,122 * Straighter than narrow * 59 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:13,461 Wow! It goes so high, you can't even see it anymore. Do another one. 60 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,496 * Wherever we go * 61 00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:18,098 * Everyone knows * 62 00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:20,534 * It's me and my arrow * Mother! 63 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,404 Pull it out! Pull it out! 64 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,639 Randy, pull it out! * Me and my arrow ** 65 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,642 [ Earl Narrating ] Last time Randy had the choice of helping me out, 66 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,211 he froze up with fear, ran home and hid under the bed. 67 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,815 He wasn't gonna make that mistake again. 68 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,951 [ Engine Starts ] 69 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,887 [ Tires Squeal ] 70 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,122 [ Paramedic ] Hey, where the hell is he going? 71 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,091 Ah, nuts. 72 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,694 We got a stolen ambulance eastbound on Sycamore Street. 73 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,663 I would be in pursuit, but our Al-Gore-wannabe mayor... 74 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:54,101 decided to go green and replaced my squad car with a bicycle. 75 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,836 [ Dispatcher ] Copy that. 76 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,939 I hit the girl with my car. 77 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:02,576 Shh. I know, buddy. We're gonna get you through this. 78 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,448 [ Earl Narrating ] Between me and Randy, we had stolen a fire truck, 79 00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,450 two cop cars and a bulldozer, 80 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,752 but this was our first ambulance. 81 00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,887 I just wish I'd been awake to enjoy it. 82 00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,325 Hold on, Earl! You're gonna be okay! 83 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,661 [ Tires Screeching ] 84 00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,830 [ Thudding ] 85 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:27,167 Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I should've strapped you in. 86 00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:31,639 Just calm down, Randy. You're no good to anyone if you can't think straight. 87 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,974 Try and relax. Listen to a little music. 88 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:37,345 [ Man On Radio ] If you can hear us, bring back the ambulance. 89 00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,813 If the patient dies, you'll be held responsible. 90 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,049 How'd that deejay know I stole an ambulance? 91 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:48,456 Man, the engine is fried. Joy, I thought you said you put oil in the BRAT. 92 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:52,125 We were all out of oil. But I sprayed a can and a half of PAM in there. 93 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,328 Oh, but you know what? 94 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:58,098 One was regular, and one was Butter Flavor. That's probably it. 95 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:01,068 Yeah. That's probably it. 96 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,738 Maybe I could fix it. What are you gonna do, feed it hay? 97 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,074 Queso es not un burro. 98 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,678 Get in! Get in! Earl got hit by a car, 99 00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,414 Mom and Dad aren't home, and I don't know where the hospital is! 100 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,419 [ Siren Chirping ] 101 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,320 I can't believe he got hit by a car again. 102 00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:23,223 He really should've put "Look both ways before crossing" on his list. 103 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,393 I'm not sure if that worked or not. 104 00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:27,428 But, man, Earl has the softest lips I ever felt. 105 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:29,530 And his mustache tickles. 106 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:34,502 Is he still breathing? I can't tell if he's breathing. 107 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,770 It might be a good idea if you watch the road, 108 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,706 being that we're traveling at high speeds and whatnot. 109 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:42,443 Okay. Everybody relax. I know how to wake him up. 110 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:46,213 This is what I used to do when he would pass out in the middle of doing it. 111 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,683 Never fails. 112 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:54,822 Oh, crap. Oh, crap. This is really bad. Darnell, you gotta do something. 113 00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,791 You have to save him, Darnell. His last words to me were angry ones. 114 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,893 I can't have another dead man mad at me. 115 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,296 I need a knife. I have to cut out his eyes so his soul can't find me. 116 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,366 Looks like you cut out your own eyes before you chose that outfit you're wearing. 117 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:09,770 [ Claps Hands ] Bam! Even in a moment like this, I can still knock 'em out of the park. 118 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:12,773 Earl, can you hear me? Earl! 119 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,944 Hello? Dummy? You in there? Anybody home? 120 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,747 Hello? Anybody in there? Anybody home? 121 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,118 [ Audience Laughing ] 122 00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:29,623 [ Doorbell Rings ] 123 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,392 No, no, no. No, no. That's my ex-wife. 124 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,595 Don't let her... 125 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,363 in. 126 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,899 Hey, dummy. Hey, Mrs. Dummy. 127 00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:41,602 [ Audience Cheers ] 128 00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,272 [ Woman In Audience ] Darnell! 129 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:48,141 Hello, Joy, Darnell. Hey, Earl. 130 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,010 Hey, Crabman. 131 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:53,481 We just came by to bring you a wedding gift. It's a toaster. 132 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,451 Just what we needed. 133 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,352 It's actually our toaster. And you should know... 134 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,456 the right slot runs hotter than the left, so plan your toast accordingly. 135 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,792 Of course we would've brought it to the wedding, 136 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:08,195 but the only option on our invitation card was "Will not attend." 137 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,164 So don't be surprised when you find a cat turd in your toaster. 138 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,235 She held that darn cat over that thing for two hours. 139 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,337 I thought he was never gonna go. 140 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:21,509 Well, it was good seein' ya. I'm sure you gotta get goin'. 141 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:25,378 Got a long drive back home. You'll have to come for breakfast sometime. 142 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,882 We'll all have toasted cat crap. 143 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:33,153 We don't have a long drive home. We just bought the house next door. 144 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,456 [ Heart Thumping ] 145 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,462 Oh, no. His heartbeat is really erratic. 146 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,464 Will this help? 147 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:47,568 We used to bring one of these machines to Club Chubby on Senior Day. 148 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,136 It's called a defibrillator. 149 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,605 Save the Spanish for your little friends at the car wash. 150 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:54,074 - Hand 'em here. - Have you ever done this before? 151 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,977 No. But I started a man's heart with a car battery and a waffle iron. 152 00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,880 This should be a walk in the park. All right. I'm gonna need your help. 153 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:02,449 - Joy, when I say "clear," hit the red button over there. - Got it. 154 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:03,951 - Clear! - Clear! 155 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:06,286 - [ Electricity Humming ] - [ Tires Screeching ] 156 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,354 [ Defibrillator Thumps ] 157 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:08,622 - Oh, dear. - Clear! 158 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,190 [ Thumps, Electricity Crackles ] 159 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,897 Oh, crap! I fried my husband's brain. 160 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:20,333 I'm fine. Actually, it's not a bad buzz. 161 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,471 - Help Earl. - Step aside. It's time for a little Baywatch action. 162 00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:26,907 Okay. Damn it! I think we're losin' him! 163 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,142 Wait! He can't die indoors. 164 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,646 If his spirit has no escape, then it won't matter if we cut out his eyes. 165 00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:35,282 His soul will attach to us, and all our children will have harelips. 166 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,888 Earl's soul, the exit is that way! 167 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:43,991 - What the hell, bitch? Shut the damn-- - [ Tires Screeching ] 168 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,161 [ Screams ] 169 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:51,064 [ Screaming ] 170 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:55,002 [ Earl Narrating ] Back when we were married and Joy rode on top of me while I was passed out, 171 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,571 the only thing at risk was an unwanted pregnancy. 172 00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,372 Today's risk was death. [ Screaming Continues ] 173 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,775 But, luckily, my mind had no idea. 174 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,411 [ Audience Laughing ] Whee! 175 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,748 Earl, can I talk to you for a second? 176 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:14,688 Problem, honey? Well, I know Randy's a real hoot, 177 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,890 but I'm not sure about him living with us. 178 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:20,794 It's the perfect plan. We don't want Joy coming over, right? 179 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:25,098 Well, the only thing she hates more than a restaurant with a "No flip-flops" sign is Randy. 180 00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:30,838 Trust me. I know what I'm doin'. 181 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,776 I did it. I finally got that candy corn out of my ear. 182 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,647 Oh, yeah. I forgot. Randy's kind of a slob. 183 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,115 [ Audience Groans ] 184 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,918 Got an idea. 185 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,587 Trust me. I know what I'm doin'. 186 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:50,658 [ Whirring ] 187 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,662 See? Everything worked out perfectly. 188 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,397 I told ya. I know what I'm doin'. 189 00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,567 You know, without all that mess that's usually around you, you're not so bad, Randy. 190 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:03,170 I could hang out with you all day. 191 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:06,807 Well, I guess I don't know what I'm doin'. 192 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:09,476 This place is so clean, Darnell and I should move in... 193 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:12,980 and rent out our house to that one-legged girl that hates you. 194 00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:16,483 [ Laughing ] 195 00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,185 [ Screaming ] 196 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:21,121 * Got those highway blues Can't you hear my motor runnin' * 197 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:23,691 Oh, snap. * Flyin' down the road with my foot on the floor * 198 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:29,062 * Can't stop Gotta keep movin' or I'll lose my mind * 199 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:34,902 * Ohh Rockin' down the highway * 200 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:39,740 * Ohh Rockin' down the highway ** 201 00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,909 Well, that's a fine kettle of fish. 202 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,682 [ Earl Narrating ] Fortunately, my out-of-control wheelie bed came to a stop. 203 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,518 Unfortunately, it was now hooked to a semi. 204 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:55,155 Joy didn't get a license plate, but she did see the truck was from Waadt Appliance. 205 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,357 So they went there. 206 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,492 Oh, Randy. Great to see you. How's your brother, Earl? 207 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,394 He's good. He's good. 208 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,396 Actually, he's passed out, strapped to a wheelie bed... 209 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,532 and attached to the front of one of your trucks. 210 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:08,501 - So, he might be dead. - Oh, you guys and your adventures. 211 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:11,271 You know who you should call? My twin brother's a cop. 212 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:15,075 He rides a bike now, but he swears it's not a demotion. No. No pigs. 213 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,010 Hey. That's my brother you're talkin' about. 214 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:20,547 Although he is a little on the husky side. I've been trying to get him on Atkins. 215 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,615 Saved my life. 216 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,551 The truck had a woman driver-- 217 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:26,887 tall, scrawny, apparently does not respond to somebody screaming, 218 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,789 "Stop, bitch! My friend's stuck on your grille!" 219 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:33,060 Ah, that'd be Sissy. She was probably on her way home. She owns her own truck. 220 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,262 Can you draw a map to Sissy's house on my hand, 221 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,430 and a map to the hospital on this one? 222 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:41,802 But if her house is close to the hospital, you could just put 'em on the same hand map. 223 00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:44,237 [ Siren Wailing ] 224 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,206 [ Earl Narrating ] While my friends hunted for me, 225 00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,776 Billie slowly made her way to the hospital. 226 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:55,248 What do you think the odds are he just got better and walked home? 227 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,885 About the same as if he spontaneously combusted. 228 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,153 Not true. The government doesn't want you to know it, 229 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,722 but people spontaneously combust all the time. 230 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:05,658 That's why you see so many sneakers hanging from power lines. 231 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,796 [ Sniffing ] 232 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,333 He left less than 25 minutes ago. 233 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:18,806 Share a bed with a guy for long enough, you learn a few things. 234 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:23,343 Well, he must've fallen off. We need to find out what route she took to get here. 235 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,347 [ Sniffs ] 236 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:36,556 Damn it! Thought you were the pizza guy. What do you want? 237 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:39,559 We're looking for my brother. We have to get him to a doctor fast. 238 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:43,763 -He was on the wheelie bed stuck to the front of your truck. -What are you talkin' about? 239 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:48,368 Sam Hill. That better not have dented my grille. 240 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,738 I'm sorry, everybody. But this is drivin' me crazy. 241 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,942 You have an eyelash on your cheek. 242 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,977 There ya go. You have enough workin' against you... 243 00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,879 without this hangin' off your face. [ Clicks Tongue ] 244 00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:01,548 Look, I haven't seen your brother. 245 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:06,153 But if you do, you tell him to watch where he's drivin' that wheelie bed. 246 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,989 It needs to stay in the bike lane. 247 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,927 No joke. This is the thickest eyelash I have ever seen. 248 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:18,165 Dag. I bet you could get 10 wishes off that thing. 249 00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:21,134 Go ahead. 250 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,702 Wait. 251 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:25,272 [ Sniffing ] 252 00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:29,242 [ Sniffing ] 253 00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:35,983 This isn't an eyelash. This is one of Earl's mustache hairs. 254 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:39,686 Share a toothbrush with a guy, you learn what his mustache tastes like. 255 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:42,555 Something fishy's goin' on here. 256 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,829 ** [ Soul ] 257 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:53,000 * I've been really tryin', baby * So, where were we, lover? 258 00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:56,336 Huh? [ Gasps ] 259 00:13:56,403 --> 00:14:00,207 * Tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long * 260 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,142 Oh, snap! 261 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:06,179 Oh, hell, no. You are not gonna try and steal that. 262 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,649 [ Door Crashes Open ] 263 00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:12,485 Get your boobs off my brother! 264 00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:16,323 Please, don't take him from me! God left him for me on the front of my truck. 265 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,291 He usually just leaves me bugs and birds. 266 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,928 Anyway, you can't take him from me. 267 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,864 - We already exchanged vows. - Okay. She's crazy. 268 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:27,935 Lucky for us, I know how to talk to crazy. 269 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,003 Hey, sweetheart. 270 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,072 Look, we're not gonna take your man. 271 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,674 We're just gonna fix him for you, 'cause he's broken. 272 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:38,545 For starters, we're gonna check and see if he's still alive. 273 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,148 - Darnell? - He's crashin'. 274 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,083 See, he's crashin'. And what that means to us... 275 00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:47,921 is we should take him and clean him up for you and maybe make him not almost dead. 276 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:52,159 Well, that could help. Yeah, he just doesn't seem that into it when we're kissing. 277 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:56,129 Well, then we're just gonna make him more lively and bring him right back. 278 00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:59,967 Think you could give him a little perm? You know, like the Mexican soccer players? 279 00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:03,170 Oh, and see if the doctors can't pump him up a little down south there. 280 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,305 You know, again, like a Mexican soccer player. 281 00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:09,509 Oh, we'll pimp your ride. Don't worry. 282 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:14,714 Randy, Darnell, can you transport Sissy's new boyfriend out of here, please? 283 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:17,850 For the perm, would you like Shirley Temple ringlets, 284 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,653 or more of a "Weird Al" Yankovic? 285 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:25,425 That lady's crazy. Earl with curly hair? Not with those cheekbones. 286 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,460 Good thing we're not really doing that. 287 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:31,064 What? You're not bringing him back, are you? 288 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,766 You're taking him for your own dirty needs! 289 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:36,003 Run! 290 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,046 [ Grunts ] 291 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,551 Damn, that was my go-to. 292 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:56,856 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! She's got a gun! 293 00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:59,726 [ Gasps ] 294 00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:08,135 Ah, crap. You're a coward, Randy Hickey. 295 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,707 This is a little trick my twin brother taught me. 296 00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:17,810 He pops dents out of washers and dryers so they can sell 'em full price. 297 00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:20,080 He's a clever little skinny fella. 298 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,215 Hey, listen. I don't feel right about this. 299 00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:24,984 That dent was made by the girl's head. 300 00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,987 What dent? Never happened. You're golden. 301 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,723 [ Siren Wailing ] 302 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,995 So no one else is chasing this ambulance? 303 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,465 Cop on a bike is all we got today? 304 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:52,412 - Is Earl okay? - He's suffered serious head trauma... 305 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,447 and massive internal injuries. 306 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,184 [ Sighs ] Well, at least they're internal. 307 00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:00,353 He also has severely bruised nipples. 308 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:03,123 We might not be able to save one of them. 309 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:06,859 In addition, he also has some paddle-shaped burns on the sides of his head. 310 00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:09,129 And let's see. What else? 311 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:13,433 His left buttock is filled with buckshot, his teeth are covered in bugs... 312 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,502 and, uh, last but not least, we're not sure, 313 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,638 but we think he might have had an involuntary orgasm. 314 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,541 Oh, my God. That crazy bitch tried to constipate the marriage. 315 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,443 He is going to be okay, right, Doc? 316 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:26,546 - Define "okay." - Not dead. 317 00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:29,949 - I don't know. - Can't you tell us anything good about Earl? 318 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:33,553 He has a fantastic mustache. And praise be to Ganesh, it was unharmed. 319 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:38,091 Other than that, all we can do is pray. 320 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,661 I bet you wish you had more than one god now, eh? 321 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,905 [ Earl Narrating ] So there I was, fightin' for my life. 322 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:57,377 My body had taken just about all the punishment it could handle, and it was fadin'. 323 00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:01,114 But not my mind. My mind was hangin' on. [ Beeping ] 324 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:04,951 [ Beeping ] 325 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,887 I don't understand. I took the batteries out of all of them. 326 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,689 Where's that beepin' comin' from? 327 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,425 I don't hear it. [ Beeping Continues ] 328 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,274 [ Earl Narrating ] After a roundabout trip to the hospital... 329 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:32,044 that got me shocked, dropped, lost and possibly molested by a she-trucker, 330 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,848 I was finally under the semiprofessional care of Camden County Hospital. 331 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,520 You gonna wake up my brother now, Mr. Doctor? 332 00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:43,490 Remember earlier we talked about something called a "coma"? 333 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,493 Oh, yeah. The story about the bears sleepin' through the winter. 334 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,629 Right. And we don't try to wake them. 335 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:53,366 Hopefully your brother will pull through and wake up on his own. 336 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,935 Yeah. Listen here, Dr. Baba Ghanoush. 337 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,004 You people might be great at running cheap motels, 338 00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,807 but we're gonna require a second opinion from a real doctor. 339 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:04,677 You know, a Jewish one. I'm Indian. We're the new Jews. 340 00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,347 - I thought that was Koreans. - They wish. 341 00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:11,017 [ Earl Narrating ] A lot was goin' on around me, but I was pretty unaware of it. 342 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:15,388 I was also unaware that Billie was lyin' in the very next room. 343 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:19,626 My mind was in another place-- my safe place, TV world. 344 00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:22,829 And by now my mind had even made up a theme. 345 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,365 ** [ Pop ] 346 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:28,368 [ Woman ] * He is the perfect businessman * 347 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:31,438 [ Man ] * She's the perfect wife * 348 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,407 [ Both ] * Together they live in the perfect house * 349 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:38,478 * They thought they had the perfect life * 350 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,481 * But they're never alone No, they're never alone * 351 00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:46,719 * They never have a moment to themselves * 352 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:48,788 * 'Cause they're never alone ** 353 00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,359 [ Male Announcer ] The Hickeys! 354 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:57,497 It's all my fault. What are we gonna do now? 355 00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,832 When I stopped by the hospital the other day, 356 00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,402 Earl's nurse gave me this. 357 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:05,305 On the back is a coupon for a free pancake breakfast... 358 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,274 with purchase of second pancake breakfast. 359 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:10,843 - That's how they get you. - Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby. 360 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,712 Gonorrhea? 361 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,716 Oh, my God! It's Earl's list. 362 00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:19,819 There sure is a bunch of stuff he never got to cross off. 363 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,523 What do you mean, never? He's gonna cross the rest off as soon as he wakes up. 364 00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:27,294 - Look, Randy-- - No! No "Look, Randy," 365 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:31,864 and no "never," and no pamphlets with the sad, pull-the-plug faces on 'em. 366 00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:37,570 People come back from the dead all the time. Zombies, werewolves, vampires. 367 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,573 - Need I go on? - Randy's right. We can't give up. 368 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,409 We have to do something. 369 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,677 Well, there are documented cases of coma patients... 370 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,179 lured back into consciousness when exposed to certain stimuli. 371 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,081 You know, things they enjoy. 372 00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:52,685 Hey, Earl likes that show Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp. 373 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,654 Think they'd let a monkey in the hospital? 374 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,656 Did you have any problems gettin' in? 375 00:20:56,723 --> 00:21:00,259 No. Not once I figured out that revolving door. 376 00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:04,297 [ Earl Narrating ] So my friends set about to draw me out of my coma using different stimuli-- 377 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,333 things that might inspire me back to life. 378 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:09,469 It's bacon, Earl. You always wake up for bacon. 379 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,372 How about boobs, Earl? 380 00:21:12,439 --> 00:21:14,574 You used to wake up for these often enough. 381 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:17,143 - Sorry, Darnell. - I'm cool. 382 00:21:17,209 --> 00:21:20,079 You know I don't consider above the waist to be cheatin'. 383 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:23,115 Squeeze, baby. You're a vegetable, not a fruit. 384 00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:25,352 [ Earl Narrating ] When boobs and bacon didn't work, 385 00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:28,087 Darnell tried to open my eyes to new experiences. 386 00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:31,658 A third European city you might want to wake up and visit is Amsterdam. 387 00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:35,294 Or as I like to say, "Amster-jam." 388 00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:39,766 You'll see what I mean when you get there. [ Continues, Indistinct ] 389 00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:42,001 [ Earl Narrating ] They even helped keep me up on current events. 390 00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:44,871 And here's a picture of Amy Winehouse taking out the trash. 391 00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:48,040 And here's a picture of Zac Efron getting gas. 392 00:21:48,107 --> 00:21:52,545 And here's a picture of Paris Hilton reading to her friend in a coma. 393 00:21:52,612 --> 00:21:54,681 They really are just like us. 394 00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,616 [ Earl Narrating ] They tried classic rock. 395 00:21:56,683 --> 00:22:00,119 * Burn out the day * 396 00:22:00,186 --> 00:22:02,589 * Burn out the night * 397 00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:07,660 * I can't see no reason to put up a fight * 398 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:15,502 * I'm burnin', I'm burnin' I'm burnin' for you * 399 00:22:17,737 --> 00:22:21,207 [ Earl Narrating ] And when nothing else worked, they went for the grand finale. 400 00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:24,043 [ Man ] * Burn out the day * 401 00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:28,415 * Burn out the night * 402 00:22:28,481 --> 00:22:32,519 * Can't see no reason to put up a fight * 403 00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,554 [ Earl Narrating ] The stuff they were doin'... 404 00:22:34,621 --> 00:22:36,923 didn't do so much to bring me back to the real world, 405 00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:40,059 but it had a big impact on the place I was. 406 00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:44,096 [ Man Crooning On Radio ] * I'm burnin', I'm burnin' I'm burnin' for you ** 407 00:22:45,632 --> 00:22:47,734 [ Audience Applauding ] Do I smell bacon? 408 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:52,004 Well, it wouldn't be morning in the Hickey household without fresh-cooked bacon from Paris. 409 00:22:52,071 --> 00:22:53,573 Paris, France? 410 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,875 No, silly. Paris Hilton. 411 00:22:55,942 --> 00:22:57,910 [ Audience Cheering ] That's hot. 412 00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:03,850 - Randy, what are you doin'? - I told Paris I'm a cowboy. 413 00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,585 That's hot. 414 00:23:05,652 --> 00:23:08,120 Well, it's off to work. Big meeting with the boss today. 415 00:23:08,187 --> 00:23:10,256 Bye, sweetie. 416 00:23:10,322 --> 00:23:12,592 That's hot. [ Audience Cheering ] 417 00:23:12,659 --> 00:23:14,927 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy wasn't a religious man, 418 00:23:14,994 --> 00:23:17,096 other than believing in the Great Pumpkin, 419 00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:19,265 but these were desperate times. 420 00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:22,835 Dear Lord. It's me, Randy Hickey. 421 00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:25,872 Please tell me what to do to save my brother. 422 00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:29,609 Uh-huh. 423 00:23:29,676 --> 00:23:32,879 Uh-huh. But, Lord-- 424 00:23:32,945 --> 00:23:36,583 I'm sorry. I'll let you finish. 425 00:23:36,649 --> 00:23:41,721 Oh, yeah. Perfect. I know how to help you. 426 00:23:41,788 --> 00:23:45,892 I'll be right back. Why didn't you tell me this before? 427 00:23:45,958 --> 00:23:48,127 You're right. I should've asked. 428 00:23:53,199 --> 00:23:56,435 Guys, I know how to save Earl! God's little finger! 429 00:23:56,503 --> 00:23:58,538 [ Gasps ] Oh, snap! 430 00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,940 I forgot all about that creepy little faith healer. 431 00:24:01,007 --> 00:24:04,076 You believe in faith healers? You're suspicious of the weatherman. 432 00:24:04,143 --> 00:24:06,345 Faith healers just magically cure diseases. 433 00:24:06,412 --> 00:24:08,347 They don't pretend to predict the future. 434 00:24:08,414 --> 00:24:11,050 He's right. This kid's the real deal. 435 00:24:12,251 --> 00:24:14,854 The power of God will heal you! 436 00:24:14,921 --> 00:24:17,957 Heal you! In the name of God, it will heal you! 437 00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:19,926 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy and Randy knew Gerald was real... 438 00:24:19,992 --> 00:24:22,294 because they had seen him with their very own eyes. 439 00:24:22,361 --> 00:24:26,799 Rising! Rising! Rising! God's little finger says heal! 440 00:24:26,866 --> 00:24:31,538 [ Audience Murmuring ] Oh, my God. I think I can see light. 441 00:24:31,604 --> 00:24:35,775 - [ Woman ] It's a miracle! - And now I see shapes. I think I can see. 442 00:24:35,842 --> 00:24:38,277 Oh, it's gone. Oh, wait. It's back again. 443 00:24:38,344 --> 00:24:41,981 Oh, it's gone again. You're just blinkin', brother. You'll get used to that. 444 00:24:42,048 --> 00:24:43,983 Praise God. 445 00:24:44,050 --> 00:24:46,185 Pick me! Pick me! 446 00:24:46,252 --> 00:24:48,921 In the name of the Father, Son and the Friendly Ghost, pick me! 447 00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:51,057 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy wasn't usually the religious type, 448 00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:53,960 except when she was in bed or found herself in dire need. 449 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:56,896 You gotta heal my giant zit. My high school reunion is this weekend, 450 00:24:56,963 --> 00:24:59,666 and I want my English teacher to regret pickin' his wife over me. 451 00:25:03,903 --> 00:25:06,973 What happened to your leg? I tripped over some conjoined twins. 452 00:25:07,039 --> 00:25:09,676 Wasn't my fault. I didn't see the back one. 453 00:25:09,742 --> 00:25:12,444 Daddy, give me one more person up here on stage! 454 00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,681 Pick me! I can barely walk. 455 00:25:14,747 --> 00:25:16,949 Damn it, Earl! This is my turn. 456 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:20,219 This zit's gettin' so big, it's got a little zit on the side of it. 457 00:25:20,286 --> 00:25:22,655 You, sir. You with the mustache and the gimpy leg. 458 00:25:22,722 --> 00:25:25,124 [ Congregation Groans ] 459 00:25:26,759 --> 00:25:28,761 Don't worry, Joy. 460 00:25:28,828 --> 00:25:31,964 I'm sure everybody at your reunion's gonna be talking about your black and white kids... 461 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:35,067 and your terrible personality, not your big, disgusting zit. 462 00:25:35,134 --> 00:25:40,039 - ** [ Organ ] - Chargin' up with the power of Christ! 463 00:25:40,106 --> 00:25:43,209 I'm chargin' up! You ready? Yeah. 464 00:25:43,275 --> 00:25:44,410 You ready? Yeah! 465 00:25:44,476 --> 00:25:45,678 - Are you ready? - Bring it! 466 00:25:45,745 --> 00:25:50,082 God's little finger says heal! 467 00:25:50,149 --> 00:25:53,085 Oh, my God. My leg doesn't hurt. 468 00:25:53,152 --> 00:25:55,087 - [ Congregation Gasps ] - That's incredible. 469 00:25:55,154 --> 00:25:58,625 I'm-- I'm-- I'm healed! The flick stung a little though. 470 00:25:58,691 --> 00:26:02,194 [ Shouting ] 471 00:26:02,261 --> 00:26:04,063 Whoo! Whoo! 472 00:26:05,464 --> 00:26:09,802 Rising! Rising! Rising! God's little finger says heal! 473 00:26:09,869 --> 00:26:14,306 Got it! Got it! Got it! 474 00:26:14,373 --> 00:26:17,443 The next morning, that zit crusted over and flicked right off. 475 00:26:17,509 --> 00:26:19,779 A faith healer healed my grandmother of restless leg syndrome... 476 00:26:19,846 --> 00:26:22,248 right before she died of cancer. 477 00:26:22,314 --> 00:26:25,885 In hindsight, we should've targeted the cancer. 478 00:26:25,952 --> 00:26:27,920 [ Earl Narrating ] Knowing I needed a miracle, 479 00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:30,723 my friends went to track down that little faith healer. 480 00:26:30,790 --> 00:26:33,259 Unfortunately, he had lost his faith. 481 00:26:33,325 --> 00:26:36,295 - So, could you? - Sorry. I don't heal anymore. 482 00:26:38,397 --> 00:26:42,034 I wear these to make sure I don't even touch anybody by accident. 483 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:45,304 I-I-I don't get it. Why wouldn't you want to fix people? 484 00:26:45,371 --> 00:26:47,707 Why don't you ask the harlot? 485 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:51,377 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out, a couple days after healing us with the spirit of the Lord, 486 00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:53,746 Gerald saw us filled with the spirit of the devil. 487 00:26:53,813 --> 00:26:55,782 [ Man On TV ] I'm in front of Chubby's Groceries, 488 00:26:55,848 --> 00:26:58,317 where we've acquired exclusive security-cam footage... 489 00:26:58,384 --> 00:27:01,120 of the latest robbery by the criminals we're dubbing... 490 00:27:01,187 --> 00:27:03,690 "Smokey and the Tube Top Bandit." 491 00:27:03,756 --> 00:27:06,125 According to victims, the female perpetrator... 492 00:27:06,192 --> 00:27:10,362 uses the lure of a flimsy tube top as a distraction... 493 00:27:10,429 --> 00:27:14,233 while her mustachioed accomplice absconds with their shopping cart. 494 00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:16,869 Here, you can see a bystander attempt to stop the accomplice, 495 00:27:16,936 --> 00:27:20,239 only to be assaulted by canned goods. 496 00:27:20,306 --> 00:27:24,110 After interviewing the victims, police have released these sketches. 497 00:27:24,176 --> 00:27:28,347 Witnesses noted the female perpetrator's glowing, flawless skin, 498 00:27:28,414 --> 00:27:31,884 and her accomplice's catlike speed and agility. 499 00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:38,891 God in heaven, what have I done? 500 00:27:38,958 --> 00:27:41,761 How am I supposed to know who to heal and who not to? 501 00:27:41,828 --> 00:27:45,064 I'm not God-- just his little finger. 502 00:27:45,131 --> 00:27:47,466 Yep. You ruined a really good thing. 503 00:27:47,533 --> 00:27:51,738 No more revivals. No more fancy two-story house. 504 00:27:51,804 --> 00:27:55,507 Now I'm killin' possums just to keep the lights on in this dump. 505 00:27:55,574 --> 00:27:57,576 You charged people for faith healing? 506 00:27:57,643 --> 00:28:00,412 Look, he may have healing powers from God, 507 00:28:00,479 --> 00:28:03,215 but it's not like he can multiply loaves and fishes. 508 00:28:03,282 --> 00:28:06,618 His family still needs to eat. Wouldn't you do the same thing? 509 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:10,957 Unlikely. I have a turtle who can tap-dance, given the right song and surface, 510 00:28:11,023 --> 00:28:13,225 and I let people watch him for free. 511 00:28:13,292 --> 00:28:17,897 Gerald, you don't have to feel bad anymore. 512 00:28:17,964 --> 00:28:22,368 It's okay that you healed Earl, 'cause he's not evil. He's turned his life around. 513 00:28:22,434 --> 00:28:25,371 He even made a list of all his bad deeds, 514 00:28:25,437 --> 00:28:27,506 and he's makin' up for 'em. 515 00:28:27,573 --> 00:28:31,510 [ Gasps ] We can even put you on it, since he upset you and all. 516 00:28:31,577 --> 00:28:34,947 Here. "Made a healer boy... 517 00:28:35,014 --> 00:28:37,416 scared of his own hands." 518 00:28:37,483 --> 00:28:40,853 Boom. Done. 519 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,222 Now if you wake him up, he'll fix it. 520 00:28:44,824 --> 00:28:48,027 Wow. He made up for all this? 521 00:28:48,094 --> 00:28:50,729 Maybe he really is good. 522 00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:54,466 This is great. Now we can get back to doin' the Lord's business. 523 00:28:54,533 --> 00:28:57,937 We won't have to skimp by on the food I took from work. 524 00:28:59,705 --> 00:29:02,942 Hold on a second. 525 00:29:03,009 --> 00:29:05,577 What about you? Do you have a list too? 526 00:29:05,644 --> 00:29:09,115 I don't need a list. I mean, I may have jacked up some people now and then, 527 00:29:09,181 --> 00:29:11,150 but only when they damn well had it comin'. 528 00:29:11,217 --> 00:29:13,419 How do I know she's not evil? 529 00:29:13,485 --> 00:29:15,822 One: I'm American. 530 00:29:15,888 --> 00:29:18,490 Two: I saw all my pregnancies through to the end. 531 00:29:18,557 --> 00:29:22,661 And three: Nobody can look this good without the Lord on her side. 532 00:29:22,728 --> 00:29:24,496 Unless they have the devil on their side. 533 00:29:24,563 --> 00:29:27,266 I'm not gonna even dignify that comment with a response, 534 00:29:27,333 --> 00:29:29,635 you little lying, bat-faced Bible freak! 535 00:29:29,701 --> 00:29:32,338 Blaspheming Jezebel! Tiny pecker! 536 00:29:32,404 --> 00:29:34,506 I'm gonna go listen to Christian rock. 537 00:29:34,573 --> 00:29:36,508 I need a smoke! 538 00:29:38,344 --> 00:29:41,547 So what do we do now? 539 00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:45,151 Is there any way you boys can prove to my son that that lady is a good person? 540 00:29:45,217 --> 00:29:47,753 God's little finger? More like God's middle finger, 541 00:29:47,820 --> 00:29:49,755 and you're pointing it at yourself. 542 00:29:49,822 --> 00:29:51,891 How's that feel? I'll be in the car. 543 00:29:53,926 --> 00:29:56,062 It's gonna be tough. 544 00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,233 Brain waves are minimal. Heart rate is at 20. 545 00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:03,836 But his internal organs are all top-shelf. 546 00:30:03,903 --> 00:30:06,472 So let's get this transplant draft started. 547 00:30:06,538 --> 00:30:11,010 Dr. Fujimoto, since you haven't saved a patient in three weeks, you get first pick. 548 00:30:11,077 --> 00:30:13,645 I want his gallbladder. 549 00:30:13,712 --> 00:30:16,115 Fuj, what are you doing? 550 00:30:16,182 --> 00:30:19,251 You always take the liver in the first round. 551 00:30:19,318 --> 00:30:21,253 [ Earl Narrating ] My condition was gettin' worse. 552 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,390 And in my coma mind, things were changin' too. 553 00:30:24,456 --> 00:30:27,894 [ Audience Cheering ] That is fantastic news, sir. 554 00:30:29,361 --> 00:30:33,399 Wow. A raise and an expense account at Montgomery Ward? 555 00:30:33,465 --> 00:30:36,635 I'll talk to my wife about it right now. 556 00:30:36,702 --> 00:30:38,905 About what? Two, three, four-- 557 00:30:38,971 --> 00:30:43,009 You're lookin' at the new vice president of Slathery and Mather. 558 00:30:43,075 --> 00:30:45,177 [ Audience Applauds ] You got a promotion? 559 00:30:45,244 --> 00:30:47,914 Oh, honey, that's wonderful. 560 00:30:47,980 --> 00:30:51,817 But it'll mean movin' away, for good. 561 00:30:51,884 --> 00:30:53,953 And leavin' all my friends and family. 562 00:30:54,020 --> 00:30:57,189 [ Audience Sighs ] 563 00:30:57,256 --> 00:31:00,492 [ Sighs ] 564 00:31:03,562 --> 00:31:06,632 [ Earl Narrating ] Since Gerald had seen video of Joy doin' bad things, 565 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:10,903 Darnell wanted to show some video of Joy doin' good things, which didn't exist. 566 00:31:10,970 --> 00:31:15,107 You said this was gonna look like I was standin' in front of an Alaskan oil spill. 567 00:31:15,174 --> 00:31:17,076 This is just our big blue sex tarp. 568 00:31:18,610 --> 00:31:21,880 - We've had picnics on this. - Trust me. Back in the day, 569 00:31:21,948 --> 00:31:24,150 I could make one hell of a propaganda video. 570 00:31:24,216 --> 00:31:27,219 Although I'll admit my previous successes were with third world villagers. 571 00:31:27,286 --> 00:31:31,490 They'll believe anything if you give them a soda pop and a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee. 572 00:31:33,759 --> 00:31:37,529 To prove that Joy is not evil, we've put together this reel of Joy's news highlights... 573 00:31:37,596 --> 00:31:41,400 which we feel greatly outweighs her one unfortunate news lowlight. 574 00:31:45,237 --> 00:31:47,106 [ Woman ] I wish we could wait for Carter. 575 00:31:47,173 --> 00:31:51,077 He's been tied up all day with those beavers that took over the water park. 576 00:31:51,143 --> 00:31:54,280 [ Joy On TV ] All right. Let's get this beach and all the animals cleaned up. 577 00:31:54,346 --> 00:31:57,049 But save the oil. We can put it in cars. 578 00:31:57,116 --> 00:32:00,419 No, thank you. I will not drink another drop of water until breast cancer is cured. 579 00:32:00,486 --> 00:32:04,356 [ Man ] Water! I saved a thousand yogurt lids. Find a cure! 580 00:32:06,392 --> 00:32:08,360 Yes, sir. Mission accomplished. 581 00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:11,897 Great job, Maverick! Way to go, Goose! 582 00:32:11,964 --> 00:32:15,034 Don't worry, kid. I got your puppy, and I'm gonna swim for help. 583 00:32:15,101 --> 00:32:18,404 Make sure you stay in that air bubble underneath the bumper pool table. 584 00:32:19,738 --> 00:32:21,807 I just think that dogs and cats should be neutered. 585 00:32:21,873 --> 00:32:24,710 If you would jump on this with me, we could really make a difference. 586 00:32:27,713 --> 00:32:31,083 In reply to the vice president, I sent him the following wire. 587 00:32:31,150 --> 00:32:33,119 [ Joy Whispering ] Vice President Nixon. 588 00:32:33,185 --> 00:32:35,054 Vice President Nixon, Los Angeles, California. 589 00:32:35,121 --> 00:32:39,325 Your sincere good wishes-- Your sincere good wishes are gratefully accepted. 590 00:32:39,391 --> 00:32:42,128 You are to be congratulated. You are to be congratulated... 591 00:32:42,194 --> 00:32:44,496 on a fine race. 592 00:32:44,563 --> 00:32:46,165 I know that-- [ TV Clicks Off ] 593 00:32:53,039 --> 00:32:55,041 Let's do it. 594 00:32:56,642 --> 00:32:59,211 I hope your father gets here in time to watch you. 595 00:32:59,278 --> 00:33:02,114 Left a voice mail. Darn beavers. 596 00:33:02,181 --> 00:33:05,584 One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. 597 00:33:05,651 --> 00:33:07,486 I win again. 598 00:33:07,553 --> 00:33:10,689 Get out of the way! Magic boy, magic hand! 599 00:33:13,292 --> 00:33:16,128 Power of the Lord within me! Power of the Lord within me! 600 00:33:16,195 --> 00:33:18,464 It's chargin' up! It's chargin' up! 601 00:33:18,530 --> 00:33:20,799 Enough with the showmanship. Just touch him with the finger, E.T. 602 00:33:20,866 --> 00:33:23,669 Shh. Gonna make him start over. [ Gerald ] Here we go now. 603 00:33:23,735 --> 00:33:25,971 The spirit's risin'! 604 00:33:26,038 --> 00:33:29,175 - I call dibs on first hug. - Risin', risin'. Are you ready? 605 00:33:29,241 --> 00:33:33,112 It's risin'. Risin', risin'! God's little finger says-- 606 00:33:33,179 --> 00:33:35,181 Don't! Don't-- 607 00:33:35,247 --> 00:33:37,249 Don't do it, Gerald. 608 00:33:37,316 --> 00:33:41,320 Why not? I'm back in business like you wanted, Dad. Watch. 609 00:33:41,387 --> 00:33:43,722 God's little finger says heal! 610 00:33:46,825 --> 00:33:49,228 Try it again. 611 00:33:50,396 --> 00:33:53,099 God's little finger says heal! 612 00:33:57,469 --> 00:34:00,706 It's not working. It's all this medicine. 613 00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:04,410 We can't have true faith when we're still depending on all these machines. 614 00:34:04,476 --> 00:34:07,379 - Gerald-- - Unplug him! Unplug everything! 615 00:34:08,447 --> 00:34:10,216 No, stop! 616 00:34:12,818 --> 00:34:14,753 You can't heal people, Gerald. 617 00:34:14,820 --> 00:34:17,523 This whole thing's been a scam. 618 00:34:17,589 --> 00:34:21,026 [ Earl Narrating ] After five years of believing he had powers, 619 00:34:21,093 --> 00:34:23,862 Gerald was finally gonna learn the truth. 620 00:34:23,929 --> 00:34:27,166 A few years back, Gerald's dad was trying anything he could to make a quick buck. 621 00:34:27,233 --> 00:34:31,337 Hello. This is Ed from the bank. Could you give me your account number, please? 622 00:34:31,403 --> 00:34:34,773 [ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ] Hello? Damn it. 623 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,510 [ Earl Narrating ] When, out of the clear blue sky, he was hit with an idea. 624 00:34:40,979 --> 00:34:43,315 Idiot. 625 00:34:45,951 --> 00:34:48,254 Poor thing. It's dead. 626 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,157 Gerald, don't touch it. That's how your uncle got AIDS. 627 00:34:53,559 --> 00:34:57,296 [ Chirping ] 628 00:34:57,363 --> 00:34:59,231 - * Hallelujah * - [ Woman ] Oh, my Lord. 629 00:34:59,298 --> 00:35:01,467 * Hallelujah, hallelujah * 630 00:35:01,533 --> 00:35:04,102 * Hallelujah, hallelujah ** 631 00:35:04,170 --> 00:35:07,173 It's a miracle! 632 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:11,042 That bird was as dead as a doornail, and my son brought it back to life! 633 00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:13,379 He is an agent of the Lord! 634 00:35:13,445 --> 00:35:15,447 Get out your checkbooks! 635 00:35:15,514 --> 00:35:19,551 [ Earl Narrating ] By the time we went to see Gerald, the miracle business was booming. 636 00:35:22,554 --> 00:35:26,692 But as it turned out, Gerald's dad needed a little help to keep the miracles coming. 637 00:35:26,758 --> 00:35:30,762 Hey, dirtbag. Wanna make some real money? 638 00:35:32,097 --> 00:35:35,201 Hang on. Hang on. Let me see you limp. 639 00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:40,839 Okay. But you're only gonna look, right? 640 00:35:40,906 --> 00:35:43,475 I meant walk with a limp. 641 00:35:48,046 --> 00:35:50,081 [ Congregation Chattering ] 642 00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:52,050 [ Earl Narrating ] If Joy knew it was a scam, 643 00:35:52,117 --> 00:35:53,852 she would've made me split the money. 644 00:35:53,919 --> 00:35:56,255 So I told 'em I tripped on some Japanese twins. 645 00:35:56,322 --> 00:35:58,290 Plus, I couldn't ruin the night for Randy. 646 00:35:58,357 --> 00:36:02,494 I hadn't seen that look on his face since I blew his mind with the magic of "Got your nose." 647 00:36:02,561 --> 00:36:05,997 So, his powers only work on birds? 648 00:36:06,064 --> 00:36:09,067 No. That's not true. 'Cause he touched my monster zit, 649 00:36:09,134 --> 00:36:11,703 and the next morning it was dried up and on my pillow. 650 00:36:11,770 --> 00:36:16,174 Yeah, I used to put some pharmaceutical-grade Neosporin on the kid's hands. 651 00:36:16,242 --> 00:36:18,176 Carter, how could you lie to us? 652 00:36:18,244 --> 00:36:22,248 How could you lie and cheat sick people out of thousands of dollars? 653 00:36:23,882 --> 00:36:26,117 I'm done. 654 00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,554 I-I don't have powers anymore. 655 00:36:28,620 --> 00:36:31,323 I'm done. 656 00:36:31,390 --> 00:36:33,659 Look. I'm sorry I couldn't heal your brother. 657 00:36:33,725 --> 00:36:38,129 But this is great. I can finally be a normal kid. 658 00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:40,499 And what's so great about that? 659 00:36:40,566 --> 00:36:44,870 Everything, Dad. I wear plastic gloves on my hands. 660 00:36:44,936 --> 00:36:49,408 To school. And the only people who talk to me are the cafeteria ladies. 661 00:36:51,910 --> 00:36:55,213 You can cross "Made a healer boy scared of his own powers"... 662 00:36:55,281 --> 00:36:56,782 off Earl's list. 663 00:36:56,848 --> 00:36:58,884 I didn't like having them to begin with. 664 00:36:58,950 --> 00:37:00,952 Gerald, let's go. 665 00:37:04,290 --> 00:37:08,460 So I got free passes to the water park. The beavers are gone. 666 00:37:14,032 --> 00:37:15,901 I'm sorry, Earl. 667 00:37:15,967 --> 00:37:19,871 I really thought his magic finger was gonna help. 668 00:37:19,938 --> 00:37:21,807 [ Beeps ] 669 00:37:21,873 --> 00:37:24,310 ** [ Folk ] 670 00:37:24,376 --> 00:37:27,145 Come on, guys. Let's leave them alone. 671 00:37:27,212 --> 00:37:30,982 * Ooh, ooh, ooh * 672 00:37:32,217 --> 00:37:35,387 Get the hell out of here! Go! Go! Go on! 673 00:37:35,454 --> 00:37:38,590 * Gettin' dark Too dark to see * 674 00:37:38,657 --> 00:37:39,991 [ Beeps ] 675 00:37:40,058 --> 00:37:44,262 * I feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door * 676 00:37:44,330 --> 00:37:46,231 Well, I guess this is good-bye. 677 00:37:46,298 --> 00:37:48,334 I don't want you to go. 678 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:50,536 I have to, buddy. 679 00:37:52,404 --> 00:37:54,306 [ Man ] Everlast Car Service. 680 00:37:54,373 --> 00:37:58,276 Pickup for Earl Hickey. * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door * 681 00:38:00,178 --> 00:38:05,884 - All right. So long, everyone. - * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door * 682 00:38:08,554 --> 00:38:12,591 * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door * 683 00:38:12,658 --> 00:38:15,327 I'm sorry I made you do that inter-invention. 684 00:38:15,394 --> 00:38:17,295 * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door * 685 00:38:17,363 --> 00:38:20,466 It looked like a lot more fun on TV. 686 00:38:20,532 --> 00:38:24,570 And I'm sorry karma got so mad at you for throwin' away your list... 687 00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:27,373 that it hit you with a car again. 688 00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:31,410 * Mm-mmm * 689 00:38:31,477 --> 00:38:33,679 I wish you never would've made this stupid list. 690 00:38:33,745 --> 00:38:36,314 Maybe our lives wouldn't have gotten any better, 691 00:38:36,382 --> 00:38:39,418 but at least you wouldn't be leaving me. 692 00:38:43,288 --> 00:38:47,393 * Ooh, ooh, ooh * But I know how important it was to you. 693 00:38:49,127 --> 00:38:53,031 Maybe you didn't finish it. But you crossed a lot of things off, Earl. 694 00:38:56,668 --> 00:38:59,438 I hope you crossed enough off to get into heaven. 695 00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:03,675 Let me cross off Gerald too. 696 00:39:03,742 --> 00:39:06,478 Maybe God will give you an extra dessert for each one you did. 697 00:39:06,545 --> 00:39:09,981 - * Ooh, ooh, ooh * - [ Beeping ] 698 00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:15,220 * Ooh, ooh, ooh * 699 00:39:15,286 --> 00:39:18,323 [ Beeping ] 700 00:39:18,390 --> 00:39:21,126 * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door * The list? 701 00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:24,195 [ Ear Narrating ] Right then, Randy realized the answer wasn't the kid-- 702 00:39:24,262 --> 00:39:26,064 it was makin' up to the kid. 703 00:39:26,131 --> 00:39:29,435 The list. 704 00:39:29,501 --> 00:39:31,837 Number 45-- "Wasted electricity." 705 00:39:31,903 --> 00:39:36,274 * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door ** 706 00:39:36,341 --> 00:39:40,278 - [ Audience Cheering ] - I can't do it. I'm stayin'. 707 00:39:40,345 --> 00:39:43,248 [ Applauding ] 708 00:39:43,314 --> 00:39:46,618 That's hot.