1 00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:03,104 [ Earl Narrating ] There's nothing more romantic... 2 00:00:03,137 --> 00:00:06,074 than the morning after a honeymoon with your new bride. 3 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:09,177 You change your own sheets today. 4 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,345 Wow. Last night-- 5 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:14,215 I mean, that was-- Ooh. 6 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:16,417 I didn't get too rough with you, did I? 7 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,752 It's nothin' a bucket of ice on my husband parts can't fix. 8 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,455 I have a little surprise for you. 9 00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:24,225 I started up my own list. 10 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,496 Oh, my God! This is fantastic! 11 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,532 You actually-- Give me a second. 12 00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:37,571 Thank you, karma! You gave me the best woman in the world! 13 00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:40,741 [ Man ] Screw you! I came to this motel to die! 14 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,743 [ Woman ] Yeah! Stop showing off your happiness! 15 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:45,446 [ Man #2 ] Somebody help! My hooker stopped breathing! 16 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,282 Sorry, it's just that I finally found my soul mate! 17 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:51,385 [ Bullet Ricochets ] My bad. 18 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,321 Sorry for the outburst. 19 00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:58,359 The neighbors send their regards. 20 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,661 My name is Earl. 21 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,101 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew marriage was about give and take. 22 00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,503 I just didn't realize how much I would have to give... 23 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,539 and how much Billie would take. 24 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,674 What's, uh, goin' on with the chips, honey? 25 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:16,210 Sharing-- It's what married people do. 26 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:20,114 Well, it's just that I have everything timed out perfectly for "crunch, sandwich, crunch." 27 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:23,784 Now that you took that chip, I'm gonna be left with one bite of sandwich and no crunch. 28 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,753 That's crazy, baby. 29 00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:29,723 Uh, it's not crazy. Just what I like to do. 30 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:32,893 Yeah, but I'm a sharer. I mean, that just who I am. 31 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,196 [ Earl Narrating ] When you marry a woman you hardly know, 32 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,331 you have to learn a lot about her quickly, 33 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,400 and that's what I was doin' with Billie. 34 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,869 I learned she always kept track of my comings and goings. 35 00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,871 Where you goin'? Soda machine. 36 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,906 What are you getting? Soda. 37 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,242 When are you comin' back? When I get soda. 38 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,511 Love you! 39 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:53,481 I learned she had different ideas about clothes than I did. 40 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,419 Oh, my God. What do you think? 41 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,721 I can't breathe. 42 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,457 And I learned a little bit about her boundaries. 43 00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,793 She had none. Whoa! Private time! 44 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:08,529 Shy pee-er in here! Don't be ridiculous. 45 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,498 We're married now. You don't have to be shy. 46 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,566 [ Zips ] Is it always that color? 47 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,535 ** [ Rock ] 48 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:17,871 This song is lame. Someone has to take control of this jukebox. 49 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,441 I'm gonna go put on some Van Halen. 50 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,177 Sweet! J-19-- "Runnin' With the Devil." 51 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:26,847 Ew, no! The real Van Halen, with Sammy Hagar. 52 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,922 I don't get it, Randy. Clearly, karma wants me and Billie to be together. 53 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,858 But there's 20 songs on that jukebox with David Lee Roth Van Halen, 54 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,860 and she spends good money on a Hagar? 55 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:42,363 I know, Earl. But a lot of people like him. 56 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,465 That's why it's on the jukebox. 57 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,468 Maybe so, but what about that crap she pulled with the chips? 58 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,603 Some people don't mind sharin' chips. 59 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,546 Please. It's no big deal. I'll get a crunch next time. 60 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,616 Wow. 61 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:06,354 Everybody's got some little annoying habits, Earl, even you. 62 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:10,758 Like when you're thinkin'? You always raise just one eyebrow. I hate that. 63 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,960 [ Earl Narrating ] Maybe Randy was right. 64 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,264 Maybe the problem wasn't my wife. Maybe the problem was me. 65 00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:20,668 - [ Groans ] - Great jukebox. 66 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,871 They even have some Lynyrd Skynyrd from after the plane crash. 67 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:28,576 [ Earl Narrating ] I decided to focus on the one thing I knew we could agree on-- the list. 68 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:31,211 Let's see. What should we do first on your list? 69 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,548 Hey, this guy's on my list too. 70 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:37,285 [ Earl Narrating ] In Camden County, if you were a champion bagger, 71 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,687 it usually meant that you bagged a lot of chicks. 72 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,722 But Joel was a different kind of bagger. 73 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,024 You're watching Camden's own Joel Maloney... 74 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:48,496 demonstrating the skill that's earned him a place in the National Bagging Competition, 75 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:53,267 scheduled to kick off tomorrow in beautiful Youngstown, Ohio, rivet capital of the world. 76 00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:55,769 Joel, are you nervous? Kind of. 77 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,972 But, you know, this is what everybody who's ever worked at a grocery store dreams of. 78 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,342 Bringin' home that Golden Sack! 79 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:04,678 -That loser's goin' out of town. -While he's gone we should clean him out. 80 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:08,482 I'm sick of all those grocery workers walkin' around, actin' like they're better than us. 81 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,518 [ Earl Narrating ] And once word spread, 82 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,853 every criminal in Camden decided to go shopping. 83 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,823 As a courtesy, everyone who stole from Joel left the TV on... 84 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,459 so the others could see when he was on his way back. 85 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:21,028 I'm here live at the National Bagging Competition... 86 00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:24,398 with one of the hot, young newcomers on the scene this year, Joel Maloney. 87 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,934 Joel, congratulations on your first-round victory. 88 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:30,371 Most people don't realize how exhausting competitive bagging is. 89 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:35,075 Actually, I had to run out and put some more quarters in the parking meter, but thanks. 90 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,978 [ Earl Narrating ] The longer poor Joel competed, the emptier his house got. 91 00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:43,884 And Billie, just like everyone else, wanted a piece of the action. 92 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,920 [ Scoffs ] Should've got here earlier. 93 00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:50,991 Guess all you get's the broom. [ Laughs ] 94 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,993 [ Grunts ] Oh! 95 00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,696 You can have the broom. I'll take the fan. 96 00:04:55,729 --> 00:05:00,000 [ Cheering ] 97 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:04,505 Whoa! Joel Maloney just put an exclamation point on this one! 98 00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,640 It's the third day of competition, 99 00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:09,810 and nobody's come within 12 nectarines of the pride of Camden. 100 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,912 [ Earl Narrating ] By the time we got there, 101 00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:13,747 people had already stolen everything that wasn't nailed down. 102 00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,783 So we took what was. 103 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,851 I know you're disappointed, Joel. 104 00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:21,389 But second place is still something to be proud of. 105 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:24,091 What are you gonna do with that $25 gift certificate to Applebee's? 106 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,661 I guess I'll go to Applebee's. 107 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,001 [ Earl Narrating ] Joel thought he was disappointed then. 108 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:37,070 But it was about to get a lot worse. 109 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,072 Of course when Joel came home with his gift certificate, 110 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,074 he saw that his house was trashed. 111 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:50,083 The first stop in repaying Joel was to visit Joy's tipped-over trailer... 112 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:52,686 to get back his carpet and his TV. 113 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,690 Excuse me. Just curious, but how do you use the bathroom in here? 114 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:59,493 Joy put a seat on the exhaust fan. 115 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,862 Neighbors hate it, but it works like a dream. 116 00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,497 Huh. [ Thud ] 117 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:07,701 Hey, Joy, when we were first married, 118 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:12,540 was there stuff about each other that we, uh, had trouble gettin' used to? 119 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:16,644 Oh, God, yeah. Your stupid chip crunch thing, that eyebrow-- 120 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:19,680 Oh, and the foreplay. Darnell, you wouldn't have believed this guy's foreplay. 121 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,883 It was just a wrestling match to see who got to be on the bottom. 122 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,453 [ Chuckles ] I bet that was a hoot to watch-- 123 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,788 you all red-faced, trying to get out of doin' work. 124 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,857 It wasn't that. I liked lookin' up at her. 125 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,993 Oh, you were just lazy. But I accepted it. 126 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:35,128 That's all marriage is-- 127 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,131 accepting the annoying crap your partner makes you put up with. 128 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,468 That's even true in the animal kingdom. 129 00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:43,504 You think the tomcat likes the way the lady cat screeches when he humps her? 130 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,105 He keeps coming back to hit that kitty. 131 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,616 [ Groans ] This carpet's got a lot of memories, Earl. 132 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:58,652 Remember when I took it up on the roof and tried to fly on it? 133 00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,754 Hard to forget. You cracked your head open, 134 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,190 and for three weeks, you thought you were president of an insurance company. 135 00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,993 - You tried to fire me. - Nothin' personal, Earl. 136 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,995 You just weren't making the sales. 137 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,063 And Shirley from Accounting hated you. 138 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,966 Man, brains are funny. You shake 'em around hard enough, 139 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,036 and it's like, "Whoa, who's steering this ship?" 140 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,640 [ Joel Over Speaker ] What do you want? 141 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,042 Um, hi, my name is Billie. 142 00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:26,246 I once did a bad thing to you, but I have this list, and you're on it, 143 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:29,116 and I want to make up for it. 144 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,884 [ Locks Clicking ] 145 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,856 Is this some kind of trick? 146 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:39,192 No, really, we're-we're sorry for stealin' your stuff. We brought it back. 147 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:46,800 [ Earl Narrating ] I told Joel that once we put the carpet back down, 148 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,936 it'd be like we never took it. 149 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,739 Don't worry. We'll-We'll get it cleaned. 150 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,941 And we'll get you some new rabbit ears for the TV. 151 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,143 I sent Randy to go get some, but-- 152 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,812 Ah, you don't wanna hear the end of that story. 153 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,081 It doesn't matter. 154 00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,951 The robbery was far from the worst thing that happened that day. 155 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:18,766 [ Grunts, Screams ] [ Earl Narrating ] The graffiti hurt Joel's feelings, 156 00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:21,869 and the stud behind the graffiti broke most of the bones in Joel's hand. 157 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,572 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 158 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:31,011 I was never able to compete again. 159 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:34,181 [ Gagging ] It's been swollen and twisted like this for seven years. 160 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:39,953 Sometime during year four I tried to hammer it flat, but I think it just made it worse. 161 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,990 Well, enjoy your ceiling fan. 162 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:48,161 Excuse me a minute. 163 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:51,965 Billie, y-you can't cross Joel off your list yet. 164 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,201 Why not? I gave him back the ceiling fan. 165 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,670 That's what I stole from him. We need to do more. 166 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:59,773 We-We took away his dream of ever winning a national championship. 167 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:03,611 Of bagging. I mean, look at him. 168 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:06,246 He's a sweaty guy. I think he's just psyched to have his fan back. 169 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,616 Take care, Joel. 170 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,119 [ Earl Narrating ] I was stunned. 171 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:15,122 We didn't just disagree about chips and sandwiches or peeing with the door open... 172 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,290 or how to spell "warehouse." 173 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,960 We also didn't agree on the most important thing in my life-- the list. 174 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,129 [ Sighs ] 175 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:26,667 So, Joel, you seem to have a lot of room here. 176 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:30,070 [ Voice Breaking ] Do you think you might want to adopt an earless rabbit? 177 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,645 [ Earl Narrating ] I was disappointed Billie had given up on Joel, 178 00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,947 but I still had a job to do. 179 00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,685 Joel was just a store sweeper now, 180 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:48,055 and it made me sick to see how this once-great competitor was being humiliated. 181 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,358 I appreciate your good intentions, Earl, 182 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:54,928 and a round-trip ticket to anywhere Greyhound goes is a very generous offer, 183 00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,830 but I'm fine. 184 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,700 Hey, southclaw! Price check on peas! 185 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,236 Nice catch, southclaw's friend. 186 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,874 That was a nice catch. 187 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,213 Wow, you're a natural. 188 00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,949 Natural what? A natural bagger. 189 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:24,091 Hands that special are a rare gift, Earl. 190 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,927 Some say Jesus had hands like that, 191 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,731 and that he fit every food item from the Last Supper into one bag. 192 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:34,835 Ah, if only I had your hands now, instead of this clump of spastic meat. 193 00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:40,207 Earl, that's it. That's what you could do for me! 194 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:44,812 Yeah, I'd-I'd love to find a simpler way to help you without giving you my hands. 195 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,280 No, I don't want your hands. I wanna train them. 196 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:50,383 I'll never be a champion, but I can make one. 197 00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:53,453 Work with me, and we'll win the national bagger title together. 198 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,189 Me? But I never even graduated high school. 199 00:10:56,223 --> 00:11:00,694 That doesn't matter. With my knowledge and your incredible ability to grab things? 200 00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:03,697 We could do this, Earl. 201 00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:07,167 Together, we'll be unstoppable. 202 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,169 ** [ "Gonna Fly Now" ] [ Earl Narrating ] So Joel started training me. 203 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:11,772 It was like Rocky meets Supermarket Sweep. 204 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:15,042 Don't see the food, feel the food. 205 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,945 [ Grunts ] Go! 206 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,415 Come on, come on, come on. 207 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:25,786 [ Groans ] No! Come on. Do it again. You can do this. 208 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,755 Go! 209 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,158 Come on! [ Stopwatch Beeps ] 210 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,330 [ Beeps ] Again. 211 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:45,305 Right there-- You cross your right hand under your left, 212 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,141 and then you had to uncross it before you reached for the next item. 213 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,177 Did you see that? I-I think so. 214 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,445 You think so? Let's watch it again. 215 00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,415 Go! 216 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,885 [ Earl Narrating ] And then, just like that, 217 00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:01,922 all the drills, the sweat-- it all clicked into place. [ Chorus ] * Trying hard now 218 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:05,258 - I got it! I got it! - * It's so hard now 219 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:08,395 In fact, I got it so much that I won the first round of the tournament. 220 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,464 * Trying hard now Bag blue! Winner! 221 00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:14,234 [ Announcer ] How about a big hand for newcomer Earl Hickey, 222 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,003 who's moving on to the elite eight. 223 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:22,209 [ Earl Narrating ] I also won the second round against some schmo from Schenectady. 224 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:26,146 [ Announcer ] And Barry Schmo heads home with an empty sack. 225 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:29,216 [ Earl Narrating ] And in a tough one, I took care of Angry Gustav from Baltimore. 226 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,420 - Bag blue! - Ahh! 227 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:37,124 [ Announcer ] Cleanup on table two. Cleanup on table two. 228 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,226 [ Earl Narrating ] That put me in the finals against Lance Parker, 229 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,294 a giant in the bagging world. 230 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:44,131 - He also went by the name of Bagger Lance. - Can I have your autograph? 231 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,901 You want that on paper or plastic? [ Chuckles ] 232 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:50,037 This kid just asked for my autograph. 233 00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:53,573 I said, "You want that on paper or plastic?" [ Chuckles ] 234 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:57,177 He's a 12-time champion, Earl. You gotta beat him. 235 00:12:57,210 --> 00:13:00,313 Don't worry, Joel. It's in the bag. 236 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,883 [ Earl Narrating ] Backstage, Randy tried to keep me loose. 237 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,585 Man, Earl, your glutes are really tight. 238 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,955 Probably 'cause you got your hands on my glutes. 239 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:10,123 Hi. Sorry I'm late. 240 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,125 I was just finishing up my list. 241 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,261 You finished it already? Yep. 242 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,464 How could you finish so fast? 243 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,433 Maybe she did 'em in order. I keep telling you, Earl. 244 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,536 If we did yours in order, at least we'd have some idea how we're doin'. 245 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,438 I called everyone up and said I was sorry. 246 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:28,341 So the tourists you carjacked and robbed-- 247 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,377 you just said you were sorry? 248 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,080 Well, actually, they're back in Japan. 249 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:36,349 And the Japanese hunt whales, and that's bad. So I figured it was a wash. 250 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:39,419 And you feel fine about that? Yeah. 251 00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:42,622 Karma doesn't have to be as hard as you make it, Earl. 252 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:46,393 I mean, three years and you haven't even finished half the stuff on your list? 253 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:49,429 I-I had to take two weeks off for the chicken pox. 254 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:53,266 All I'm saying is work smarter, not harder. 255 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:57,270 Hey, it looks like the student is becoming the master. 256 00:13:57,304 --> 00:14:00,908 How you like that, grasshopper? Huh? Huh? 257 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:03,343 [ Earl Narrating ] When you're married, you have to bite your tongue a lot... 258 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,245 over all the little things that don't matter. 259 00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,915 But some things matter a lot. [ Panting ] 260 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:10,050 This one's not me! 261 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:13,153 What? This one is not me! 262 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,489 Maybe I was wrong to complain about "crunch, sandwich, crunch"... 263 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,893 or whose Van Halen's better, but this is karma we're talkin' about here! 264 00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:21,962 Karma! You're wrong! 265 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,597 Are you gonna cry? I don't know, maybe! 266 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:28,101 But-But I do know you don't half-ass something just to get it done! 267 00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:31,638 Whether it's competitive bagging or doing the list-- especially the list-- 268 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,907 you pour your whole damn heart into it! 269 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:35,943 Otherwise, what the hell's the point? 270 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:38,345 And how do you like it when someone pokes you, huh? 271 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:42,182 [ Snaps, Cracks ] Ow! Finger, finger, finger, finger! 272 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,651 - [ Voice Cracking ] What the hell? - Oh, I'm sorry. 273 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,287 I acted on instinct. I have bad finger-pointing memories. 274 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,389 I had a very picky mother. 275 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:52,625 Well, at least you know never to do that again. 276 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,394 Okay. 277 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:57,364 Well, good luck out there, you. Mmm. 278 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:03,103 I think it's broken. 279 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,605 I know how to fix that, Earl. Just twist it back the other way. 280 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,941 [ Screams ] Randy, let go! 281 00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,642 Hang in there, Earl. I'm only about halfway around. 282 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,045 [ Crunching ] [ Screams ] 283 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,181 [ Earl Narrating ] It didn't make sense. 284 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:17,284 Karma had brought me and Billie together so I could teach her to do her list. 285 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,352 But instead, now I couldn't do mine. 286 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,722 That hurt? Yep, it's broken. [ Inhales ] 287 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,992 I let you go back out there like this, 288 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,693 they could pull my bagging competition inspection license. 289 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:30,430 I can't remember the address of the Web site where I got it. So, I'll inform the judges. 290 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,502 So sorry, Joel. I hope you're not mad at me. 291 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:40,473 Look, Earl, you reminded me that some things are worth living for. 292 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:42,976 And then you took that away. 293 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,577 So, of course I'm mad at you. 294 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:48,281 Hey, you each have one good hand. 295 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,350 Together, you have two good hands, 296 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,220 four good eyes, pretty smiles. 297 00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,322 You guys are handsome. 298 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,490 Wait. Where was I goin' with this again? 299 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:03,496 Randy's right. We do have two good hands. Joel, get the rule book. 300 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:07,767 [ Chattering ] Can I have your attention, please? 301 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:11,138 Due to a forfeit, this year's Golden Sack Award goes to-- 302 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:14,774 [ Whispers ] Earl Hickey's gonna bag. Earl Hickey's gonna bag? 303 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,777 Ladies and gentlemen, Earl Hickey's gonna bag! 304 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:21,514 And he's gonna bag with me. The rule book doesn't say two people can't bag. 305 00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,516 It just says you can only use two hands. 306 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:29,789 This is outrageous. No, let 'em do it. 307 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,692 I'll beat both these turkeys at the same time. 308 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,661 Mano a mano... 309 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,263 a mano. 310 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:39,066 [ Audience Cheering ] 311 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:48,075 Isn't she somethin'? Jennifer Jackson, this year's Miss Bag On Her Head. 312 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,544 Okay, baggers, take your marks. 313 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:54,181 Get set. Bag! Bag! Bag! 314 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,616 [ Man ] * Couldn't stop movin' when it first took hold * 315 00:16:56,649 --> 00:17:00,053 [ Earl Narrating ] Bagger Lance had both his hands perfectly coordinated. 316 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,489 We did not. 317 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,824 ** [ Continues ] 318 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,328 Lance was so good, he was even hammin' it up for the crowd. 319 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,363 * Don't you know I'm never gonna lose that funky sound * 320 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,699 Huh! 321 00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:15,268 - * Rock and roll hoochie koo * - Bag red! 322 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,537 * Rock and roll hoochie koo * 323 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:21,108 Anyway, the vet said he should be able to live a completely normal rabbit life. 324 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:23,776 He just won't be able to hear long distances. 325 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:28,681 I told you, Randy. I'll only take him if you let me make him into stew. 326 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,617 [ Earl Narrating ] Lance had gotten a head start, 327 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,519 but we finally found our rhythm too. 328 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:39,259 - * 'Squitos start buzzin' 'bout this time of year * - Bag blue! 329 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,531 * Goin' round back Said she'd meet me there * 330 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:49,169 * We were rollin' in the grass grows behind the barn * 331 00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,171 Bag red! 332 00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:52,805 * My ears started ringin' like a fire alarm * 333 00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:55,775 [ Earl Narrating ] We were still behind, so we had to step it up. 334 00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,645 - * Rock and roll hoochie koo * - Bag blue! 335 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,614 [ Earl Narrating ] Since Bagger Lance was a 12-time champion, 336 00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:05,652 he started gettin' a little overconfident, and he reached for a pineapple too recklessly. 337 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,887 - I'm cut! - [ Crowd Groans ] 338 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,589 [ Earl Narrating ] Even that didn't slow him down. 339 00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,591 Lance was the best bagger I'd ever seen. 340 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,727 - Stupid fruit. - And I'd seen five. 341 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:18,731 We didn't have more hands than he did, but what we did have was more hearts. 342 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,702 [ Slowed Down ] Tangelo! No! 343 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,241 ** [ Continues ] 344 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,310 [ Crowd Oohs ] 345 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,881 [ Crowd Cheers ] 346 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:37,184 Bag blue! 347 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:42,555 Earl won! He did it! We get to go home now! 348 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,724 [ Crowd Cheering ] * Lordy, Mama, light my fuse * 349 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:50,497 What a victory. Congratulations, gentlemen. You just bagged yourself a trophy. 350 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,865 No, we double-bagged it! 351 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:58,705 Earl, maybe some people think this bagging stuff is silly, 352 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:02,742 but it's been my life's passion ever since my first trip to a grocery store. 353 00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,278 Stepping on that black pad, 354 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,880 the doors whistling open, the beep of the scanner-- 355 00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:12,719 Anyway, you gave me my life back, Earl. 356 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,522 Nice bagging, Joel. 357 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:18,558 Thanks, ladies. 358 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,661 Grocery groupies-- They love a winner. 359 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,531 Anyway, thanks for everything, Earl. 360 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:29,202 You're welcome, Joel. 361 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:32,272 Earl? 362 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:34,441 I get it now. 363 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,443 I wasn't putting my whole heart into this list thing. 364 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:39,646 But seeing how hard you two worked up there, 365 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,515 and seeing how proud Joel is now-- 366 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:46,753 well, how proud both of you are-- I get it. 367 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:49,789 That means more to me than you know. 368 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:51,891 [ Earl Narrating ] It did mean a lot, 369 00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,427 'cause if me and Billie could see eye to eye about karma, 370 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:56,929 maybe we were gonna be all right after all. 371 00:19:56,963 --> 00:20:00,400 And you know what I was thinking when you were standing up there? You should lose the mustache. 372 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,638 Yep. You need to shave it. 373 00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,477 I don't like her. She's gotta go.