My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Ever since I started doin' the list, it'd just been me and Randy.
But, now my new wife, Billie, made three.
Mmm! Watch this. There's this part comin' up that's really funny.
And I was startin' to understand the expression, "Three's a crowd."
See, he's gonna think that it's his wife licking his leg.
But it's really gonna be the dog. Watch. Watch.
[ Cackles ]
Yup, there it is, just like you said.
Thanks for tellin' me so I could be ready for it.
[ Earl Narrating ] And the way we watched TV wasn't the only change.
I used to drive my own car, but Billie thought I drove like a girl,
so she insisted on doin' it herself. [ Tires Screech ]
You better take five steps backwards right now, bitch!
Unfortunately, she had a problem with road rage.
Just forget it! It's gone! Go!
And I used to have my own money, but I spent it throwin' an arsonist a prison prom.
And while it was an enchanted evening, it left me broke,
and I was now livin' off Billie.
-Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. How many tissues you got there? -Two.
- How many times you gonna blow your nose? - One.
You might wanna check your math, Mr. Rockefeller.
[ Earl Narrating ] And because Billie's money also paid for the room,
she got to decide the sleepin' arrangements.
Of course he can stay with us, Earl. He's family.
He's just gonna have to be an outside brother.
[ Snoring ]
[ Groans ]
[ Earl Narrating ] My favorite part of the day was when Billie took a shower--
until she started singing. [ Billie, Off-key ] * Almost heaven *
I don't get it, Randy. I just don't get it.
Why would karma want me to be with a woman who's driving me crazy?
You should just cut her head off like that king of England dude...
or the guy who used to live downstairs.
It's not that easy. Billie's supposed to be my reward.
Karma brought her into my life to show me that I was doin' things right.
You don't return a gift like that.
You do if she makes you sleep outside. I got sprayed by a cat last night.
Which is a lie-- It wasn't a cat. It was a grown man.
I was too embarrassed to say that.
I know Billie's a handful, but I'm sure karma has its reasons.
Not to mention, before Billie hit me with her car, her life was a mess.
I can't let her go back to that.
[ Billie, Off-Key ] * Country road Take me home *
* To a place I belong *
I'm gonna go sleep on the balcony.
I kinda made friends with that Filipino grandmother from Room 206.
They won't let her sleep inside either.
[ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't help but think about...
how different my reality was compared to my fantasy.
When I was in a coma, my relationship with Billie was perfect.
She made me cakes. She brought me lemonade.
And when she kissed me, even her leg got excited.
I wondered why karma brought me out of my coma only to make me more miserable.
And I wondered was it just gonna get worse for the rest of my life?
There's nothin' like a crap and a shower to make you feel better.
[ Voice Breaking ] I think I'm just gonna go for a walk.
[ Earl Narrating ] I married Billie 'cause I trusted karma.
Karma had never let me down before,
but every day that went by made me lose a little more faith.
I did 25 minutes at level six.
If you can't beat me, you're a wuss.
Come on! Faster.
You wanna grow old together, we need to be healthy.
[ Earl Narrating ] Yup, this marriage was definitely a mystery.
I needed some advice, so I went to see the smartest person I knew.
There was a reason Joy and Darnell's trailer was on its side.
A while back, me and some friends broke in to have a party.
Normally when you have beer and strippers in a trailer, you tip the strippers.
We went another way and tipped the trailer.
[ Glass Shattering ]
Hello? Crabman?
Hey, Earl.
I really am sorry about this whole trailer thing.
Ah, don't sweat it, Earl. I kinda like it.
Besides, with the grass growin' out of the floor, Mr. Turtle has his own little park.
Huh.
Never seen him wag his little tail before.
Yeah, I'm happy for him.
Listen, I need to ask you a marriage question.
How do you handle being married to someone who's difficult?
Try this.
I just write down everything Joy does that bothers me.
Most psychologists will tell you to express your feelings without fear of confrontation.
These are individuals I call "people who have not met Joy."
Earl, you gotta flip this trailer right side up.
I got so many bruises from climbin' through this door,
I look like a woman in a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna do it. I just need to figure out how to get some money from Billie to rent a crane.
One way would be to grow some nads.
Speakin' of bein' nadless, Darnell, are you showin' Earl your poetry books?
Uh, yeah. We were havin' a poetry slam.
Let me read one.
"Today she hit a new low. Got mad cookin' dinner and threw the chicken on the lawn.
Once again, I see why everyone in our trailer park despises her and wishes we would move."
[ Scoffs ] That's a terrible poem, Darnell.
It don't even rhyme.
Hey! Remember that time I threw a chicken on the lawn?
You should write a poem about that, but make it rhyme.
[ Scoffs ]
- Did you pee a little? - Yep.
Me too.
While I was gettin' advice about my wife,
Randy was bein' tortured by her.
Can I have a Klondike Bar? Please?
That depends. * What would you do for a Klondike Bar *
[ Imitates Chicken Clucking ]
Eh, seen it.
[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately for Randy, the motel was next to a costume shop.
Would you like to buy some delicious cookies?
[ Shouting In Chinese ]
[ All Shouting ]
Uh, two slim mint and three peanut butter sandwich.
Now? Almost.
And, unfortunately for Randy, the motel was also next to a street.
[ Horn Honking ] [ Man ] You loser!
* Everything's gonna be all right *
[ Horn Honks ] [ Woman ] Dummy!
Oh, enjoy.
* Sell out with me Oh, yeah *
* Sell out with me tonight **
[ Earl Narrating ] I rescued Randy and continued my quest for relationship advice...
by goin' to the happiest couple I knew.
The most important thing in a relationship is to take your time with foreplay.
All work and no foreplay makes Jack a dull boy.
[ Chuckles ] I got that from a Will and Grace rerun.
You start by lightly trailing your fingers down your lover's chest.
Let him know that you want him. Let the love flow. Call him "lover."
Call your lover "lover" as often as possible. Mmm.
Whisper it.
[ Whispers ] Lover.
- [ Whispers ] Lover. - [ Whispers ] Lover.
Earl-- Earl-- Earl-- They have just as much right to kiss in public as anyone else.
Which one's the girl? I don't know how this stuff works, Randy, I--
Oh. Looks like it's Kenny.
[ Earl Narrating ] My gay pals sure seemed happy.
So, I decided to take their advice.
I love foreplayin' with you, lover. You're such a good lover.
Ohh!
Hey! Not on the menu.
I figured from the way you were talking, you might be into a little--
Nope. You are mistaken. [ Chuckles ]
[ Earl Narrating ] That was just the poke I needed...
to continue to search for a way to make my marriage work.
So I decided to talk to the person who had made a marriage work the longest.
Earl, I'm just-- I'm just so excited that you'd come to me...
for marriage advice.
Okay, first off-- Do you call each other "lover?"
Yeah, once. Not my cup of tea.
Mm-hmm. And you know about the foreplay and finding the G-spot?
[ Voice Cracks ] Is Dad here?
'Cause I may be better off talkin' to him. [ Sighs ]
Oh, Dad's workin' late at the shop again.
And when you figure that this is the last night we had...
to decide on the fabric for the new drapes--
[ Gasps ] Actually, maybe you could give me some advice.
I don't really know anything about fabrics.
Tell me which one you like. Uh, the middle one.
That one? Why would you pick that one?
I don't know. It looks nice. Nicer than the first one?
Okay, I like the first one.
Oh, see-- See, now you're just sayin' that.
[ Inhales ] This is gonna be the last time that we redecorate this house, Earl.
These are going to be the drapes that I die looking at.
You don't care enough about me to give me your honest opinion?
No. [ Earl Narrating ] Dad was lucky he wasn't home for this.
But, then I started to realize Dad was lucky like this a lot.
Like how he missed all Mom's Wednesday night dinner adventures.
Well, we're not waiting for your father any longer.
Tonight's voyage, Asia. And not the American version either.
Real Asian food-- crickets.
[ Chuckles ] Mmm.
They're protein.
[ Earl Narrating ] Our annual family portrait--
There's an emergency down at the framing shop.
Apparently all the 5-by-7 frames came in 7-by-5.
Your father's gonna be there all night.
We're gonna have to take the white picture without him.
- Can my gerbil be in the picture? - Is he white?
Or every year when my mom wanted us to go caroling.
I'm sorry, boys. Your father has to work late again.
Five nights in a row! We're just gonna have to do it without him.
Or... we could just blow it off and watch TV.
Oh, silly. Come on, big smiles.
And get your umbrella. It's pourin' rain out there.
* Jingle bells Jingle bells * [ Thunder Rumbles ]
* Jingle all the way *
[ Earl Narrating ] I knew then that Dad didn't just happen to miss certain things with my mom.
He avoided them on purpose.
He threw himself into his job to make his marriage work.
It hit me that I needed to do the same.
Only my job wasn't framing, it was the list.
I'd guess I'd find out if it worked. [ Kay ] Earl!
You missed Ethiopian adventure last night. I've got pickled oxtail.
Gotta go. Somethin' on the list.
Dad was a genius.
[ Crunches ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd finally found a way to get along with my wife-- by avoiding her.
So, like a lot of husbands, I decided to spend all my time at work,
which, for me, meant finding something to do on my list.
Here's a good one, Earl. Number 275--
"Never bought Randy a Ferrari."
Or number 276-- "Never told chicks Randy was a fighter pilot."
Okay, number 277-- Randy, how many of these did you add when I was in a coma?
Zero. Fifty.
That's it, Earl. I'm done waitin' for you to flip my house back.
I was walkin' past our ceiling fan, which is now on our wall,
and it lopped off one of my ponytails.
You owe me 25 bucks.
I told you. I need money for a crane, and Billie's just gettin' stingier.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Did you buy stock in the toothpaste company?
I'll save some of it for the mornin'.
It didn't sound that wet.
You gonna let some bitchy woman make your decisions for you?
If you had any self-respect, you'd do what the hell I say.
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't get it. Karma's mystery was gettin' deeper.
I was doin' the list to get away from my nightmare of a wife,
only to have karma stick me with my nightmare of an ex-wife.
Then I'm gonna take my foot out and put it back in again. Deeper!
Joy, I wanna help you. I just don't know how.
If were ants, we wouldn't need a crane, Earl.
We could lift a million times our weight.
Ants are so ripped. They must get laid all the time.
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy had a good point, not just about ants bonin' a lot.
Ants also worked as a team.
Come on, everybody. Pull!
When I was doin' bad things, no one would help me with anything.
But now that I was doin' good things, I had lots of friends willin' to pitch in.
- Come on! Pull, you lazy bastards! - [ Groaning ]
You are so Spartacus.
No, no. You are so Spartacus.
You are. Oh, no. You are.
[ Screams ] Rhino in my back!
This is how my father died!
Come on, people. Let's put some muscle into it!
[ Creaking ]
- I am so sorry. - It's comin'! It's comin'!
Keep pullin'! Pull! It's comin'!
Keep pullin'!
[ Creaks ]
[ Cheering ]
- Yeah! - Thank you so much, everybody.
I got pony kegs in the side yard. Enjoy.
[ Cheering ]
[ Synthesized Voice ] Help! My foot is stuck!
[ Earl Narrating ] It was great to see everyone pull together like that...
and pull together like that.
Plus, I was successfully stayin' away from Billie.
It was my first real good day since I got married.
Earl, your wife's on the phone. I told her you were drinkin' a beer and she got really mad.
[ Exhales ]
** [ Rock ]
Hey, honey. No, he's-he's crazy. It's just a soda.
God, I miss you. What's up?
I ordered a bunch of stuff to go from Chubby's Pulled Pork,
and I need you to pick it up.
Feel free to get something for yourself. Just stay on the left side of the menu.
Oh, man, I really love that dinner salad, but work's crazy.
Gotta go! Don't wait up! Love you! [ Beeps ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I needed to pick another list item,
but before I could, karma picked one for me.
[ Randy ] Oh, my God! Earl! I found a leg!
[ Joy ] Oh, God. Not another body.
This is not a graveyard, people!
Pony up for your grandparents to have a decent funeral!
It's nobody's grandparent. It's not even a real leg.
[ Earl Narrating ] I knew it was fake because I had ditched it under the trailer...
after committin' number 86-- stole a car from a one-legged girl.
Stand back! I wish I could say it was only her car I stole.
You said you loved me!
[ Bullet Ricochets ]
It doesn't make sense.
I'm doin' the list to keep away from one nightmare woman,
karma sends me to deal with Joy, another nightmare woman.
Now, it's sending me Didi, the biggest nightmare I've ever met.
The hell's goin' on? Sometimes I wish karma could talk.
That'd take a lot of guesswork out of what we do.
But if I only had one wish in the world,
I'd be an ant who was ripped and got laid a lot.
Hopefully, I'll get two wishes.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was wishin' for something different-- that I wouldn't be killed by Didi.
I figured we'd go by where she works, so she'd have less chance of havin' her shotgun.
[ Laughing ] Excuse me. I found a leg in my doughnut.
Randy! Come on. Maybe we'll get a free doughnut.
I know we came from a keg party, but try to act sober, okay?
- Ah, that's hot. - Freshest doughnuts in town, you son of a bitch.
[ Earl Narrating ] After some discussion, I learned Didi already had her car back...
and didn't just want her leg-- she wanted me to feel her pain.
And if I was gonna figure out what karma was tryin' to tell me,
I guess I had to do what she said.
I want you to hop a mile in my shoe.
[ Man ] * Qué pasa, people Qué pasa *
* Hit me I wanna get on the good foot *
[ Earl Narrating ] I never thought about how hard I made Didi's life...
by stealin' her fake leg.
But she made me understand how even the simple things in life became complicated--
like bringin' home groceries.
Gettin' 'em to the door wasn't too bad,
but freein' up a hand to open it put too much weight on one side.
And like how the lights are set...
to give people enough time to walk across the street, not hop.
[ Honks ] Get out of the street!
* You gotta get it Get it *
She made me learn how frustrating it was to pay full price for a pair of shoes...
when you knew you were only gonna wear one.
Didi made me realize that even tryin' to relax was difficult.
- [ Scoffs ] Go back. - * On the good foot *
- [ Grunts ] - [ People Laughing ]
Didi must've realized I was gettin' the message,
'cause she let me share the half of her footbath that she never used.
[ Sighs ]
I am so sorry. I forgive you.
You can cross me off your list.
[ Both Sigh ]
[ Earl Narrating ] My foot hurt so bad, I had to use the other one to get home.
I still didn't understand how sufferin' for Didi...
was karma's answer to me sufferin' with my wife.
Then came the weirdest thing yet. Look, Earl.
I'm sorry I've been a little stingy with you. It's our money.
Here's an A.T.M. card, so you don't have to ask me for it anymore.
Oh. There's a special card you have to put in.
And... I got you your own box of tissues.
You should be able to decide how many you need.
Well, thanks.
I'll be right back.
I don't get it. She was terrible and now she's nice. What's karma tryin' to tell me?
It's so obvious, Earl.
If you pick up a trailer for one lady you pissed off,
and you hop around for another lady you pissed off,
then your annoyin' wife will give you a box of tissues.
I think the A.T.M. card is just random.
You bring up a good point, Randy.
I've pissed off a lot of ladies.
But when I made it up to two of 'em, the lady pissing me off got nicer.
I think you're just restating my tissue example.
Maybe that's what karma's been saying.
Maybe if I make up to the women I've hurt, my marriage will start to work.
I just wish there was a way I could double-check.
- [ Catalina ] Hi, Earl. - Catalina! Perfect. Come here.
When I saw you at Club Chubby on Christmas, I was a pig, right?
And-And I slapped your butt cheek?
Yeah. Hard enough to leave a mark.
When Santa came, I couldn't sit on his lap, and he's a big tipper.
Well, then be mean back. Make me suffer.
Uh, you could slap my ass or--
Hi-yah! Whoa!
[ Groans ] Thank you. That was perfect.
I thought so.
[ Panting, Groaning ]
Check it out.
They just added lemonade and Chubby Cakes to the vending machine.
I knew you liked them.
[ Earl Narrating ] And there it was, just like in my coma fantasy.
I had a wife who brought me cakes and lemonade.
And Randy, something for you too.
What do I have to do? Smile.
[ Earl Narrating ] Then she did somethin' that really blew my mind.
[ Door Closes ] Did you hear that, Randy?
She went to the bathroom and shut the door! [ Chuckles ]
It's all clear now.
I've had bad marriages because I've deserved bad marriages.
I've been horrible to women.
But if I keep making it up to 'em,
things'll keep gettin' better with Billie and me.
Randy, I need to make up for the worst thing I've ever done to women.
Number 204-- seduced seven virgins.
But with the A.T.M. card, I mean, don't abuse it or anything.
It's ours, but it's mainly mine.
And Randy, you're still sleeping on the balcony.
You need to get to those virgins fast.
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd been horrible to women in the past,
and now the only way karma was gonna let me have a good relationship...
with my new wife Billie was to make up for that.
I can't wait for you to fix this thing with Billie so I can stop sleepin' on the balcony.
Although lately when I wake up facing the railing,
I feel like I'm in a giant crib, which is nice.
[ Earl Narrating ] If I was gonna get Randy off the balcony,
I needed to make up for the worst thing I'd ever done to women.
Number 204-- seduced seven virgins.
Way back when, a group of Amish settled near Camden.
Everything was fine until they started adopting modern technology.
Behold! The wheel! [ Crowd Gasps ]
That is the devil's work!
It has no beginning and no end. We shall have none of it!
And so, unwilling to change their deep-seated beliefs,
half the group left and called themselves the Camdenites.
As the world grew up around them,
the Camdenites decided that when each young girl turned 21,
they would go out to experience regular society for 21 days.
Those tempted by the evils of the outside world...
can choose to stay there.
But those pure of heart shall return...
to the glories of a world with no wheels, no medicine,
and no advancements in knowledge of any kind whatsoever!
Can thou giveth me a hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
[ Earl Narrating ] I used to call it "the running of the virgins."
Every year, me and Randy were outside waiting...
for a bunch of innocent women who had never heard a pick-up line.
Greetings, ladies. Is it hot out here, or is it just you?
[ Laughing ]
Me and my brother have just been sent out...
from the Nathanite religious settlement for 21 days.
Really? We are just now also on a journey into the world.
That's crazy.
How lucky are you to so quickly run into people you can completely trust?
Come. Let us explore the world together.
[ Earl Narrating ] Our goal was--
Well, I think our goal was pretty obvious.
This barley soda is making me feel warm under the bonnet.
You know, that dancing thing looks interesting, but I'm afraid to try it alone.
Oh, do not be afraid, Earleth.
I shall do it with you.
Okay. But we gotta stay real close, so the devil doesn't get between us.
If there's anything you're afraid of, I'd be willing to try it with you.
Unless it's cauliflower.
[ Earl Narrating ] I had a good thing goin'.
And I did it year after year.
Some years, the crops were plentiful.
Other years, there was a drought.
But a good farmer always finds something to plow.
[ Woman ] Yes! Yes! Call me a jezebel!
[ Earl ] Jezebel. Jezebel.
[ Earl Narrating ] So I went back to Camdenite Village and talked to their leader, Ruth,
to see how I could make up to all those former virgins.
None of 'em are here. They never came back.
They were alive when we left 'em, if that's what you're hinting at.
No. They all had such a great time in the outside world, they decided to stay.
Wow, if they're happy now, I guess it's not the worst thing I ever did to women.
Maybe not to them, but it was to the rest of us.
You started a trend.
And you know how kids are-- always swept up in the latest craze,
like zippers or those wooden figures on a stick that dance on your knee.
None of our daughters come back anymore.
And without women, the Camdenites will soon be gone.
Maybe karma wants me to make somethin' up to you.
I know. We can buy you a pitchfork so you could shovel horse food like a normal person.
We don't use pitchforks. They are the tool of the devil.
Although, I tried one once, and it was about a thousand times easier.
There-There's gotta be somethin' I can do.
My niece Greta just turned 21...
and in a few days will go out into the world.
If you want to help, make sure she comes back.
Oh, and if she could bring back the recipe for flour--
We lost ours years ago.
[ Earl Narrating ] Ruth was hopin' that if Greta returned...
after bein' in the outside world,
other Camdenite girls would follow her example...
and their community would be saved.
To convince Greta that she wouldn't wanna live in the outside world,
I showed her the scariest thing I could think of-- television.
This is all so violent and horrible. [ Tires Screeching ]
This is a show called C.S.I.: Miami.
That means crime stuff in Miami.
That Creamsicle looking guy? His name's Horatio.
Hello, cute hubby.
- [ Door Closes ] - Got a special surprise for you.
[ Tires Screeching ]
Randy, will you and your... friend give us a second?
Sure. I'll show you my bedroom. It's really big.
It's the entire outside.
Guess what I got? Flavored body gels.
Chocolate, strawberry and vanilla.
[ Earl Narrating ] My plan seemed to be workin'.
I was taking care of my lady karma, and so my lady was taking care of me.
All right. I'm gonna go with the strawberry.
Smeared chocolate puts me in the wrong frame of mind.
- Then my mission to make Greta dislike our world hit a bump. - Oh, it is most wondrous.
On the farm, the only fun thing we have to chew on is ox cartilage.
But the flavor's gone after two seconds.
No sooner did Greta start enjoying stuff from the modern world...
than karma made Billie change her tune. Damn it, Earl!
Didn't I talk to you about letting people sit on the made-up bed?
Yeah, well, aren't we about to mess it up?
You didn't know that when you let people sit on it.
[ Giggles ]
I get it.
I know what's goin' on. Karma's making you mad at me...
'cause the girl out there is on my list and I need to be dealing with her.
The hell are you talking about?
Great. She's chewin' gum. That's a gateway candy.
Randy, make her spit it out.
Honey, I really need to get out there.
No, we're in the middle of something. I'm not trying to ignore you.
It's just that if I don't make up to all the women I've hurt,
you're gonna stay like this, and karma's never gonna make you my reward.
Wait. So that's what I am to you? Some sort of carnival prize?
Well, not right now, but--
Oh, come on, Randy! You're killin' me!
Look, forget about the prize thing. Can we talk about this later?
'Cause you'll be in a much better mood once I get Greta off my list.
No! No list! You need to decide.
What's more important, me or that damn list?
Yeah, here's the thing.
If I pick you, karma's never gonna let us get along.
But if I pick the list, you're gonna go even more psycho on me.
But karma can fix that, so...
I'm gonna go with the list.
Wrong answer.
[ Earl Narrating ] If I wanted karma to make Billie nice again,
I needed to convince Greta the outside world was evil.
And that is when I said, "Excuse me, sir, but that is not a bottle opener."
So you dance for men, just for money?
I dance. I jump. I grind.
I once hung upside down and let a man throw bologna at me.
[ Ringing ] Hello.
Hey, Earl, Joy would like a word with you.
And based on her tone, I think it's gonna be a curse word.
[ Joy ] Earl, you son of a bitch! You better get your butt over here--
That's a phone. Isn't it cool?
- How does it work? - Nobody knows.
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't believe what Joy told me until I saw it with my own eyes.
That bitch wife of yours tied a rope to your car and flipped my trailer back over.
I don't get it. If Billie's mad at me, why would she take it out on you?
Where is she? I am so angry. I just wanna beat her with my tiny little fists.
That's right. Let it out, cricket.
You're never gonna believe what Billie did.
It's not often we get to meet one of Kenny's girlfriends.
You are Kenny's girlfriend, aren't you?
I'm not sure I'm Kenny's type.
Here, see for yourself.
Please tell me he's blowing up a man-shaped balloon.
Earl, she told my parents she is going to undo your entire list.
The list-- Billie must've stolen it.
Looks like's there's a monster loose in Camden.
Then I guess...
we're goin' monster huntin'.
* Yeah *
Sorry, I stepped on a nail.
[ Dog Barking ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Once we figured out...
that Billie was trying to undo everything on my list,
Darnell helped us set up what he called a command center.
I put pins in the locations where she's already struck.
It will help us figure out where she's going to hit next.
According to my calculations, the only place I know for sure is safe is Pop's hot dog cart.
Billie just burned down Pop's hot dog cart.
- [ Sighs ] - All right, I was guessing. But damn, what are the odds?
Greta, she just wrote that in ink, right?
Watch this.
- [ Gasps ] Are you magic? - Yes.
No. Greta, it's a dry erase marker.
And they're evil. And you can get high from sniffin' 'em.
I'll show you. Randy, put it down.
Hey, Earl!
Thanks to your wife, our neighborhood's crawling with tourists.
Everybody wants to see "freak town."
Some guy tried to put me in a BabyBjörn.
I hate Austin Powers.
[ Billie On Bullhorn ] Hey, look! There's a couple of freaks right now!
It's Horn Head and Tiny Guy.
Feel free to point and laugh, as they do not have emotions like you and I.
[ Muttering, Indistinct ]
[ Earl Narrating ] We were tryin' hard to figure out who else she was gonna hit.
Turns out the real question was, who wasn't she gonna hit?
She got Didi.
[ Grunts ] Oh!
She got Mistletoe, the stripper,
her first day back to work at Club Chubby without her back brace.
[ Screams ]
[ Man ] * Another one bites the dust Another one bites the dust *
She even made a recording of Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop so he could hear his own accent.
Oh, God. That's what I sound like?
People should make fun of foreigners.
* Another one bites the dust *
And before I knew it, it seemed like I had the whole town in front of me.
[ Shouting ]
People, people.
I'll fix it all. I'm doin' my best.
- [ Phone Rings ] - Hello?
Earl, it's Billie.
You gotta stop this, Billie.
[ Billie ] You like spending time with your list so much, now you get to start all over again.
It's not right. You're hurtin' innocent people.
Speaking of innocent, someone wants to talk to you.
We went shopping, Earl. And now we're having fast food.
I just ate beef that I didn't have to raise, name,
and look in the eyes as I smashed its head with a killing hammer.
It's delicious!
Randy, I told you to watch Greta.
I did. I watched her go out the door and to the vending machine.
- She's so cute, I can't take my eyes off her. - [ Sighs ]
Oh, you meant "watch," like keep track of her. That I did not do.
Billie, I swear, if anything happens to that girl--
[ Billie ] It'll be your fault, Earl.
You made me do this when you chose your list over me.
So if you keep doin' your list, I'll keep making bad things happen to people on it.
Oh, my God! She's talking about us!
[ Shouting ]
Yeah! Yeah! [ Indistinct ]
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized there was only one thing left to do.
So for the last time, Earl, what's it gonna be? Me or the list?
Okay, Billie. I choose you.
[ Sighs ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't believe I had to give up my list.
But I hoped if I could get Greta back to the Camdenites,
karma would make everything okay.
Glad you finally manned up and did right by your wife, Earl.
- Where's Greta? - I left her at Chubby's Burgers.
What do you care? You're here for me, not her, right?
See? Now you're not even givin' us a chance.
You didn't even bring her. How do you expect karma to do anything good for us?
Screw karma. You shouldn't have said that.
Why? What's gonna happen to me?
You called the cops?
- [ Earl ] I-I-I didn't. I swear. - Then who did? Karma?
[ Earl Narrating ] It wasn't karma. It was something much scarier than that.
There's the trailer-flippin' whore. There she is.
Look. She's makin' a run for it. Tase the bitch! Tase her!
- Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crabman.
I trusted you. You said you were putting me first.
Well, now I'm putting you first on my list... of people to kill.
That's a death threat. I know you can arrest her for sayin' that and keep her 24 hours...
without pressin' charges or lettin' her call her kids and say good night.
I can't. She just stepped on Camdenite property.
It's a sovereign land. Camden police have no jurisdiction.
We try to keep that under wraps, otherwise all the criminals would hide out there.
Good. Then I'll just hide out here.
See? [ Chattering On Police Radio ]
When you least expect it, I'll be coming for you, Earl.
Don't worry, buddy. I'm gonna be out here 24-7 to nab her as soon as she leaves.
Actually, 24-5. In five days, it's the department bass fishing trip.
It's gonna be a blast, but it'll leave us a little shorthanded.
[ Earl Narrating ] I had five days to find Greta...
and convince her to return to the Camdenites so karma would be happy.
Now it wasn't just to save my relationship, it was to save my life.
Here, Greta! Here Greta, Greta, Greta, Greta!
Greta! Greta!
[ Earl Narrating ] But she was nowhere to be found.
And after searching 'round the clock for five days, I knew I was screwed.
Hey, Earl! Good luck!
I was out of time.
Billie could be comin' for me any minute, and I still didn't know where Greta was.
It turns ordinary water into champagne.
Greta, where-where have you been?
Randy's been hiding me.
Damn it, Randy. You know my situation with Billie.
If Greta doesn't go back, I can't fix my karma with women.
What about me? Everything's always about you and your list.
When do I get a turn? I don't have bad karma with women.
So why should I have to lose Greta to help your problem with Billie?
Besides, I wanna stay out here in the land of zippers and mirrors...
and tampons that are not made out of hay.
Come on, Greta.
You can't decide to change your whole way of life just based on a few days.
You changed your life in just one day, Earl, and that was right for you.
I said something smart, didn't I?
Oh, you always say something smart, Randy.
[ Earl Narrating ] Maybe Greta wasn't supposed to help me fix my karma with women.
Maybe she was part of Randy's karma-- rewarding him for being a good guy.
[ Tablet Plops ]
And that meant I needed to come up with something else...
to make things up to the Camdenites.
But it was hard to think about that when I was worried about Billie bein' on the loose.
I knew I had to stay awake and keep an eye out.
** [ Whistling "Country Roads" ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs ]
Aah!
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Screams ]
[ Panting ] [ Billie Whispering ] Earl.
Wakey, wakey, life's at stakey!
[ Earl Narrating ] This time, I knew I wasn't dreaming.
And Billie still had her key.
[ Thud, Glass Breaks ] Ow!
Quick! Just pretend we're pillows.
It's okay. I'm not here to hurt you.
Then-Then what's with the ax?
All Camdenite women carry them for protection when we leave the farm.
I suggested pepper spray, but it turns out we Camdenites don't believe in spray...
- or pepper. - We Camdenites?
[ Earl Narrating ] It seemed the Camdenites didn't have a problem...
with Billie usin' their land to hide out from the police.
But they did have a problem sharin' their land with someone not willin' to share the work.
[ Cows Lowing ]
* Made me see where I've been *
And while it took some gettin' used to,
she soon found that fieldwork was a great way to get out her anger.
[ Grunts ] In fact, it made her feel pretty good.
* Been down one time Been down two times *
And when she fell back into her stealin' ways,
it didn't work, 'cause in the Camdenite village, [ Clears Throat ]
- all the property was shared. - You can have it.
* Been down one time *
And even though she was used to bein' selfish,
it was hard to be greedy around people who were so happy to give.
* Never goin' back again **
[ All ] * Country road, take me home *
* To a place I belong * Billie had spent her whole life searching for somethin'.
She'd tried crime, nursing school.
And then she met me and tried karma.
But nothin' felt right, until now.
* Take me home, country road **
I guess karma didn't want to turn you into another me after all.
I was just supposed to help you find the real you.
And now you could cross the Camdenites off your list.
But first,
divorce papers.
Uh, you need to sign--
I know where to sign.
"Earl J. Hickey."
Thanks, Earl.
What's this?
Maybe karma didn't want me to be your reward,
but it still wanted you to have one.
[ Kisses ] Do good things.
[ Man Singing Reggae ] * Listen Almost heaven *
* West Jamaica *
* True ridge mountains Shining down the river *
* All my friends there *
[ Billie's Voice ] Dear Mr. Rockefeller,
This $72,000 is the remainder of my insurance settlement.
It would be more if you didn't double up on the tissues.
I think this money was always meant for you. Love, Billie.
* To the place I belong * [ Sighs ]
* West Jamaica, my ol' mama Take me home-- *
[ Earl Narrating ] I was glad Billie found where she belonged.
After I'd spent time in prison--
- [ Laughs ] - after I doubted karma and got hit by a car--
after lyin' for a pretty good while in a coma--
* I belong *
I had my list again, and I was finally back where I belonged.
* Take me home, country road **