1
00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:05,037
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:07,698
[Earl Narrating] Recently Randy had
become curious about hair dryers...
3
00:00:07,807 --> 00:00:09,775
so we borrowed one from Joy.
4
00:00:09,876 --> 00:00:11,935
I really like the look, Earl,
but come on...
5
00:00:12,045 --> 00:00:16,641
- who has 30 minutes every morning
to spend on their hair?
- ## [Toy Xylophone]
6
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:21,147
You keep practicing, little buddy.
7
00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:24,223
I gave up the xylophone
and always regretted it.
8
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,862
Lucky kid. Still got a shot
at bein' somebody.
9
00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:37,102
- What's going on, Joy?
- It's the grand reopening of Mystery Fun Land.
10
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:40,400
These "Make-A-Wish" T-shirts will keep us
from having to wait in long lines.
11
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,532
- I'm dying.
- I'm dying too.
12
00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:46,237
I'm not goin'to the funeral, Earl.
Tiny coffins creep me out.
13
00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:51,045
And you still owe me 45 cents from when I used
to live here. We need to settle up, pronto.
14
00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:54,143
They're not sick, Randy. Joy's just
taking advantage of Make-A-Wish.
15
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:57,087
Hey, the kid two trailers down
got to go to Space Camp...
16
00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:59,090
once his sickle cell finally kicked in.
17
00:00:59,192 --> 00:01:01,160
Why should my kids suffer
just 'cause they're healthy?
18
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,195
[Earl Narrating]
I couldn't be toojudgmental.
19
00:01:03,296 --> 00:01:06,459
Few years back, I did a bad thing
to the Make-A-Wish people myself.
20
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,626
It was late New Year's Eve,
and Randy drove home without me...
21
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,296
on account of me accidentally
giving him a midnight kiss-
22
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,464
which we still don't talk about.
23
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:18,408
Walking wasn't working well,
but I found another means of transportation.
24
00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:20,479
Whoa, that's a giant dog!
25
00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:26,750
You're goin' the wrong way!
26
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,878
[Whinnies]
27
00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:32,014
Next morning, I felt like
I'd been kicked in the head by a horse...
28
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,787
which actually might've happened.
29
00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:37,454
Make-A-Wish child Buddy Zaks
lost his wish today...
30
00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:41,762
when the pony he was to ride in the
New Year's Day parade was tragically stolen.
31
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:46,931
So well-wishers tried bravely
to salvage little Buddy's dream.
32
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,941
This sucks.
33
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,910
This was Buddy's last chance
to ride in the parade...
34
00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:58,211
because while not all Make-A-Wish kids
are dying, this one is.
35
00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:01,344
Now here's Chick Dabney
with the weather.
36
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,615
[Earl Narrating]
It was almost 10 years since Buddy died...
37
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:06,157
so there wasn't much
I'd be able to do for him.
38
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:10,559
- But I figured I'd try to do
something for his parents.
- [Knocking]
39
00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:12,654
This is so cool.
40
00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:16,792
I wonder if getting tattoos hurts trees
as much as it does humans.
41
00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,505
Hello, uh, Mrs. Zaks?
42
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,234
- Yes?
- A few years ago...
43
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,402
I stole your son's Make-A-Wish pony,
and I'm here to make it up to him.
44
00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:30,643
I mean, not to him,
'cause he's, you know- an angel.
45
00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:40,017
What's up, bro?
You stole my pony?
46
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:43,687
Buddy? L-I thought you were dead.
I saw you on the news.
47
00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:45,696
I know what happened.
48
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:49,928
He made a wish to still be alive.
Why don't they all do that?
49
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:54,698
[Earl Narrating] After I told him
about my list, Buddy invited us in...
50
00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:59,471
and he explained how he had defied all
the doctors'expectations about him dying.
51
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,742
It may surprise you, but Camden
doesn't have the best doctors.
52
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,545
I mean, I've had three watches
dropped in my body during surgery...
53
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:07,552
and one of'em's still in there.
54
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,953
- So I take it you're a movie buff?
- Hell, yeah.
55
00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:14,686
You spend 95% of your teen years in bed,
you're gonna watch some flicks.
56
00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:18,423
- What's your favorite movie?
- Oh, without a doubt, 2 The Max.
57
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,193
It's all action with Max Patrick:
58
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:26,762
C.I.A. Agent, Navy SEAL, gigolo
and devoted family man.
59
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:32,209
Watch as Max stops a terrorist from using
a giant robot squid to kill the president!
60
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:35,372
Me and Randy love squid movies.
How'd we miss it?
61
00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:41,486
'Cause we walked out of that thing.
62
00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:45,957
No, no, no, you didn't miss it, because
it hasn't been made yet. It's all up here.
63
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:49,722
Uh, and in here.
And some of it's over here.
64
00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:53,493
- [Roars]
- Stop it!
65
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,401
- Do it again.
- [Roars]
66
00:03:57,503 --> 00:04:00,028
Stop it!
Do it again.
67
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:02,471
- [Shouts]
- Wait, wait, wait. Let me lick it.
68
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:05,669
Oh. I like your brother.
69
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:08,246
He likes you too.
70
00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:12,114
Wait a minute.
I like him, he likes me...
71
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:15,619
we all like squids
and you owe me.
72
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,622
You know what we're gonna do?
73
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:21,751
We're gonna make this movie,
and it is gonna be awesome!
74
00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:24,295
- [Roars]
- Stop it!
75
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:26,160
- Do it again.
- [Roars]
76
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:30,430
- H-H-H-Hold on. Y-You're saying
we're gonna make a movie?
- Yeah, don't worry.
77
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:32,800
I got plenty of books
on how to do it.
78
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,738
And if you wanna cross me off your list,
you'll help me, man.
79
00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:38,106
- You could be the producer.
- Producer?
80
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,441
- Yeah.
- Look at me, Randy. I'm a producer.
81
00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:43,037
I know. I saw.
82
00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,208
Besides sounding cool,
what exactly does that mean?
83
00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,445
Oh, being a producer
is awesome, man.
84
00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:50,579
I mean, you get to pay for everything
and hire everybody...
85
00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:54,888
and you get to make sure that everything
happens exactly like it looks up here.
86
00:04:56,396 --> 00:05:01,231
Yeah, yeah, we-we could
absolutely make your movie. Or-
87
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:06,467
- [Nickers]
- Nah, I want the movie.
88
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,439
[Earl Narrating] Buddy wanted each
person he cast to fit his artistic vision.
89
00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:18,381
For Max's wife, he wanted someone
who was hot but edgy.
90
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:22,045
Theresa! Get your fat ass out here
and bring your noisy little brat inside!
91
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:27,889
- [Clatters]
- And he seems to have misplaced his xylophone!
92
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:33,156
- What are you lookin' at?
- You're perfect.
93
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,029
- I know.
- # They call me the seeker#
94
00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:37,932
[Earl Narrating]
And who was I tojudge his artistic vision?
95
00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:40,403
#I've been searching low and high #
96
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:44,374
Oh, God. Soda water, please.
It's setting. It's setting!
97
00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:48,243
Does anyone have a Tide stick?
This is my best irregular Tommy Bahama!
98
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,784
- There's our panicky scientist.
- # I've been searching low and high #
99
00:05:51,884 --> 00:05:53,749
[Catalina]
That's right, cucaracha.
100
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:58,222
Drink the poison and bring it back to
your filthy home to feed to your babies.
101
00:05:58,324 --> 00:06:00,588
- [Aerosol Spraying]
- Ruthless terrorist.
102
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:04,891
- Nice!
- Check out this great suit
I found behind the motel.
103
00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:08,865
I had to kick a litter of fresh cat babies
off it, but I left 'em my T-shirt.
104
00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:11,960
That's a sweet suit.
105
00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:15,871
- We have our president.
- And here's my Secretary of Cute.
106
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,875
[Mews]
107
00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:21,640
[Earl Narrating] Once we had our cast,
we started shootin'our movie.
108
00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:26,481
Okay, so, uh, this is the scene where
the president first hears about the giant squid.
109
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,486
Everybody know what to do?
110
00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:32,080
All right.
Lightning in a bottle, people!
111
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,089
And... action!
112
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:43,760
Mr. President, as per your request,
we are unfreezing Benedict Arnold...
113
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,770
so you can punch him in the stomach.
114
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:50,468
While he thaws, the vice president
has an announcement.
115
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:56,036
[Deep Voice]
Mr. President, this fax just came in.
116
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:59,641
New York City is under attack
by a giant squid.
117
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:02,983
TheJoint Chief of Staff has
declared a state of emergency.
118
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:07,958
He is requesting permission
to go to Death-Con Six.
119
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:14,860
I didn't take this job to let our free land
be swallowed by some squid.
120
00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:16,298
- Get me Max Patrick.
- [Mouthing Words]
121
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:19,997
And then you hear a big thud
from outside and react.
122
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,006
[Both Screaming]
123
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,837
What in the tarnation was that?
124
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,810
And then we cut to a shot of the squid outside.
Randy, you say-
125
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:29,507
- I said get me Max Patrick, now!
- And then I enter.
126
00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:35,045
Did somebody say my name?
127
00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:37,554
[Together]
Ad-lib excitement!
128
00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:41,388
No. Cut! Cut!
129
00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:45,328
You don't say "Ad-lib excitement,"
you-you just act excited, like-
130
00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:49,299
We have a major problem here. Earl.
131
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,973
Listen up-
Thanks. Thank you.
132
00:07:55,074 --> 00:07:59,841
Um, listen. Other than Randy,
who is awesome, um, everybody else stinks.
133
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,506
These other actors-
Uh, Patty sounds like a transvestite...
134
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,413
and-and Joy, she just keeps
looking right in the camera.
135
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:09,181
So you gotta fix this.
I'll be in my trailer!
136
00:08:09,288 --> 00:08:12,348
Uh, don't worry.
I'll-I'll figure it out.
137
00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:22,765
Look, uh, Buddy isn't happy
with some of the performances.
138
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:24,996
And-And, Joy, you gotta stop
looking at the camera.
139
00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:27,698
If I don't look at the camera,
how will the audience know I'm talking?
140
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,707
He says Randy's
the only one who gets it.
141
00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:34,041
Acting's easy. You just pretend to be
different people and then talk like that.
142
00:08:34,146 --> 00:08:37,582
Joy should say,
"Mr. President, per your request...
143
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,208
we're unfreezing Benedict Arnold
so you can punch him in the stomach."
144
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:44,016
And then Patty goes,
"Mr. President, this fax just arrived.
145
00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:47,388
New York City is under attack
by a giant squid."
146
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:49,859
See? You can do anybody.
147
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:53,864
Are you talkin' to me? Nobody else is here,
so you must be talkin' to me.
148
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:58,926
E.T. Phone home.
149
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:03,134
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock!
Plymouth Rock landed on us!
150
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:06,109
I want a hard-target search
of every farmhouse, doghouse...
151
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,203
henhouse, inhouse and outhouse.
152
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,782
Your fugitive's name
is Dr. Richard Kimble.
153
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:15,047
I'm not an animal.
I'm a human being.
154
00:09:15,154 --> 00:09:19,591
It puts the lotion on its skin.
It does as it's told.
155
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:21,717
Put the lotion in the basket!
156
00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:23,419
Choosy moms chooseJiff.
157
00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:26,726
[Earl Narrating] Randy showing off
just made people more upset.
158
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:29,699
And it wasn'tjust the performances
that caused problems.
159
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:33,829
I eat terrorists for lunch with my caviar.
I'm Max Patrick.
160
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,101
I am afraid of no one.
161
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:39,974
It's time for me to declare a "yi-had."
162
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:48,315
Cut! Did we get it?
163
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,913
- I need to take a five.
- Oh.
164
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:55,286
[Earl Narrating] Another thing I learned
about movies is special effects can be tricky.
165
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:58,022
So everybody remember the last
thing that's gonna happen in the scene...
166
00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,257
is that my flame-thrower watch goes off.
167
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,824
Is Safety ready?
And... action!
168
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,369
Mr. President, this event-
169
00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:07,939
- Whoa!
- [Screaming]
170
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,338
The president's on fire!
The president's on fire!
171
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,037
Keep filming!
Keep filming!
172
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:15,705
- [Kenny Squeals]
- [Man] You all right?
173
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:19,683
[Earl Narrating] But the hardest part of all
was dealing with Buddy's perfectionalism.
174
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:30,853
Cut! Earl, I need real limousines
for the motorcade.
175
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:36,731
The president needs a kick-ass limo!
It has got to be... awesome!
176
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:38,736
I'll be in my trailer!
177
00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:44,299
Whoa! M-Maybe you didn't see that
this is a '98 Civic, and it's got a spoiler.
178
00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:47,277
[Earl Narrating] What with the screaming
and people catching on fire and all...
179
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,348
by the end of the week,
morale was pretty low.
180
00:10:49,448 --> 00:10:51,643
Okay, so the president
and Max's wife...
181
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:55,084
are trapped by squids on, uh,
the roof of the White House.
182
00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:57,280
And it's, like, "Woo,"
and they're all "Aah!"
183
00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:00,826
And then Max Patrick appears out
of nowhere, he saves the president...
184
00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,894
and blows up the squid
with his laser watch.
185
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,896
Psshh! Boom!
It's gonna be awesome.
186
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:09,365
- Any questions?
- How's this not gonna look like crap?
187
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,368
Look, guys, you gotta trust me.
188
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:13,995
It's all gonna be done with special effects
and-and camera tricks.
189
00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:18,406
But-But we only got one shot at this while
the-the sun is rocking that awesome gold color.
190
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,844
In the business,
we call that "the magic hour."
191
00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,541
Yeah, well, my magic hour
is when this thing is done...
192
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,550
and we're all drinkin'
at the Crab Shack.
193
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:29,348
- Huh? Huh?
- [All Laughing]
194
00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:31,423
Let's go!
195
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,425
[Buddy]
All right. Earl, call it.
196
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,620
And... action!
197
00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:40,426
Max, wherever you are,
please save us!
198
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,468
Sorry I was late.
D.C. Traffic is a bitch.
199
00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,469
[Grunting, Shouting]
200
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:48,199
The fate of the free world
is in your strong, handsome hands.
201
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:51,401
- Now! Helicopter!
- [Shouts]
202
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:55,947
Mr. President, I've gotta get you both
out of here. Come with me.
203
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:03,113
- We have to go!
- I'm not going without you!
204
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,487
Don't you realize what
these suction cup bastards will do to you?
205
00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:09,925
Okay, I'll go.
But not without a kiss first.
206
00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:11,963
- Can I do it on the hand?
- Lips.
207
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,998
Cheek.
208
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,898
[Whimpering]
209
00:12:17,002 --> 00:12:21,496
Let me check my watch and see what
time it is. Oh, it's time for fish stew.
210
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:22,733
Explosion!
211
00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:30,343
[Screaming]
212
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:31,746
[Thuds]
213
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:34,149
Awesome take, everybody!
[Laughs]
214
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:37,154
- Let's do a couple more!
- Oh, hell, no. I quit.
215
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:42,319
I only do tongue kisses
if it's Brad Pitt or Eric Roberts.
216
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:46,296
And what the heck is that smoke? My eyes
hurt and I have an unproductive cough.
217
00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:50,300
Oh, don't worry. I got it from a crop duster.
It's even safe for plants.
218
00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:52,836
Oh, God! Now my nose
is bleeding! I quit!
219
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,530
Come on, people. Don't quit.
220
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,440
Kenny, I'll get you a Wet-Nap.
You people love those.
221
00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,705
Earl, magic hour.
222
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,709
Sorry, Earl, but I quit too.
223
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:10,478
So will William,
if he ever wakes up again.
224
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:21,060
[Sighs]
225
00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:27,104
[Earl Narrating] Everybody else quit,
but to cross Buddy off the list...
226
00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:29,834
- I still had to produce.
- What-What's going on?
227
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:32,206
Crew call's at 10:00.
It's 10:02.
228
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:35,007
Well, what do you mean, what's goin' on?
You were there. Everybody quit.
229
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:38,845
So what? In Hollywood, people say they
quit all the time. Nobody actually does it.
230
00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:42,443
I'm sorry, but this is Camden.
People quit everything here.
231
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,750
That's why the freeway
ends in a field.
232
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:47,417
But look, I can play the president.
233
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:50,222
And-And I got a blonde wig
to play your wife.
234
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,320
We just tape down the button
on the camera...
235
00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:57,232
and I can hold the boom mike down low out
of frame, or-or hide it on my head under a hat.
236
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,271
- We can do this.
- Yeah, but it'll suck donkey.
237
00:14:01,473 --> 00:14:04,931
You know what?
It's fine. It's fine.
238
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:07,535
Things happen in this business.
Production gets cut short.
239
00:14:07,646 --> 00:14:11,173
You gotta roll with the punches.
And I already got all my dream shots.
240
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:15,083
Better to make a short, awesome
movie than a long, mediocre one.
241
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:17,587
So is that it?
You don't need me anymore?
242
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,988
One more thing.
243
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,528
Give me two weeks to edit the footage,
and then throw me a movie premiere.
244
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,063
But e-everybody quit.
Who's even gonna show up?
245
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:28,190
Earl...
246
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:31,736
[Whispering]
If you throw it, they will come.
247
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,064
[Whispering]
What?
248
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:39,770
[Whispering]
If you throw it, they will come.
249
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,471
Have you ever even seen a movie
without Burt Reynolds in it?
250
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:46,915
Not all the way through, no.
251
00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:50,250
[Earl Narrating] Couple weeks later,
2 The Max was set to premiere.
252
00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:54,156
It was the first film shot in Camden since
the documentary about the chemical spill...
253
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:56,160
so we got a good crowd.
254
00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:58,526
As if turning down the part
of Indiana Jones...
255
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,964
to play a bank teller on Laverne & Shirley
wasn't bad enough...
256
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:07,130
I also made the mistake of not nailing
Penny Marshall when I had the chance.
257
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:10,265
[Chuckles]
So what part do you play in this movie?
258
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,901
What movie?
259
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:16,448
[Earl Narrating] And despite the bad taste
everyone had in their mouths from the filming...
260
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,449
they came out to enjoy the glamour
of a Camden movie premiere.
261
00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:23,612
Here come two of the film's stars,
Joy and Darnell "The Crabman" Turner.
262
00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:26,088
So, Joy, tell the viewers
whose clothes you're wearing.
263
00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:28,352
What are you talking about?
These are mine, bitch.
264
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:32,157
- I meant which designer.
- Oh. I got it at Rite-Aid.
265
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:35,256
Supposed to be worn the other way,
but seriously, what would you rather see-
266
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,267
shoulder blades or cleavage?
267
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:39,599
Sometimes I think clothing designers
are gay men.
268
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:43,573
[Crowd Applauding, Whistling]
269
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:48,443
I did all my own stunts. I even caught on fire.
That wasn't in the script.
270
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:51,072
Turns out I've been doin'
my own stunts my whole life.
271
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:53,515
I've just been calling 'em
accidents until now.
272
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:56,144
In my younger days,
I did some commercial acting.
273
00:15:56,255 --> 00:16:00,487
See if this rings a bell-
"Pretty sneaky, Sis." [Chuckles]
274
00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:03,220
I didn't say that,
but I was the sneaky sis.
275
00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:04,330
[Earl Narrating] I finally got everybody seated,
then realized not everybody was seated.
276
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,527
[Earl Narrating] I finally got everybody seated,
then realized not everybody was seated.
277
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,533
The man of the hour
still hadn't shown up.
278
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,536
Hey, Mrs. Zaks, where's Buddy?
279
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:16,631
The projectionist has to get the equipment back
tonight before the janitor locks up the school.
280
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,733
Earl, Buddy's not coming tonight.
281
00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:22,302
[Earl Narrating]
Buddy's mom had some really bad news.
282
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:25,178
There was a reason Buddy kept
storming off to his trailer all the time.
283
00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:27,775
He wasn'tjust a bitchy
little Hollywood wannabe.
284
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:30,980
He was a bitchy little Hollywood wannabe
who needed hourly treatments.
285
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:33,888
I put a Fonzie sticker
on the I.V. Bag today.
286
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,861
I thought it would
make it more fun. Heyyy!
287
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,523
[Earl Narrating] Turns out, the doctors
were right about Buddy's health.
288
00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:43,430
They werejust about 10 years
off on the expiration date.
289
00:16:43,535 --> 00:16:45,435
I can't believe he's gone.
290
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:49,200
His one dream was to make a movie,
and he didn't even get to see the premiere.
291
00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:52,471
Earl, making the movie
wasn't his only dream.
292
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:56,344
Buddy had tons of crazy dreams,
and you helped him with all of them.
293
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,675
You'll understand when you see this.
294
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:04,779
[Earl Narrating] I decided not to tell
anyone about what happened to Buddy...
295
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:06,790
until after the premiere.
296
00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,520
I kinda figured he wouldn't want
people feeling sorry for him.
297
00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:12,062
He'd rather theyjust enjoy the movie.
298
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,630
## [Suspenseful Theme]
299
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,807
[Train Horn Blows]
300
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:26,105
[Horns Honking]
301
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:31,148
- [Growling]
- [People Screaming]
302
00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:43,255
I didn't take this job to let our free land
be swallowed by some squid.
303
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,330
Get me Max Patrick.
304
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,422
- [Thud]
- [Both Screaming]
305
00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:50,127
What in the tarnation was that?
306
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,135
[Growling]
307
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,296
I said get me Max Patrick, now!
308
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:57,432
Did somebody say my name?
309
00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:01,343
[Earl Narrating] And everyone did enjoy it,
including me and his mom.
310
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:05,213
Watching Buddy's film,
I realized what his mom was talking about.
311
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:08,844
Making that movie let him live out
every crazy dream a boy could have.
312
00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:12,048
He got to meet a president.
313
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:15,354
He got to be a spy in the C.I.A.
314
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:17,361
He got to save someone's life.
315
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:20,762
[Screaming]
The president's on fire!
316
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,834
And thanks to special effects...
317
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:28,271
Buddy finally got to ride a horse
in the 1999 New Year's Day parade.
318
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:32,810
And the best part was, Buddy somehow
pulled off his magic-hour shot.
319
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:41,050
Sorry I'm late.
D.C. Traffic is a bitch.
320
00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:43,587
[Grunting, Shouting]
321
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,953
Stand back, honey!
[Shouting]
322
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:49,858
[Randy] The fate of the free world
is in your strong, handsome hands.
323
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,625
Here comes the chopper. Mr. President,
I've gotta get you both out ofhere.
324
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:59,500
Let mejust check my watch and see what
time it is. Oh! It's time for fish stew.
325
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,406
[Screeches]
326
00:19:08,013 --> 00:19:11,210
Lasers are awesome.
But not as awesome as your lips, baby.
327
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,682
Why not put 'em to the Max.
328
00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:19,818
Rocket shoes, engage.
329
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,254
Hey, baby, you ever been to Paris?
330
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:26,354
[Earl Narrating]
Buddy knew his own sun was setting.
331
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:28,899
It's why he was so particular
about the movie.
332
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,300
And even though we didn't finish,
he got all his dream shots.
333
00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:36,702
And everybody in the audience could
see he'd really made something special.
334
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:41,438
#Fly me away to the bright
side of the moon #
335
00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:45,108
[Earl Narrating] After that, you couldn't
help but think of your life as a movie...
336
00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:47,208
knowing eventually
your own sun was gonna set...
337
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:49,810
making every hour
into a magic hour.
338
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,983
Buddy made us all realize we shouldn't
waste our shots screwing around.
339
00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:57,858
We should do the things we always
wanted to do while we had the chance.
340
00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,625
Darnell tried his hand
at creating great art.
341
00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:04,566
Catalina used one ofher shifts at Club Chubby
to try something she always dreamed of doing.
342
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:06,570
Instead of stripping,
I will be doing improv.
343
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:09,368
- I need a location and a kind of food.
- # Dream weaver#
344
00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:12,068
[Earl Narrating]
Joy started her own clothing line.
345
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:15,374
- [Joy] I did it! I did it!
- Wow, you made that shirt?
346
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:21,385
No, I stole the shirt. I designed a way
to make the security tag look like jewelry.
347
00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:24,455
[Earl Narrating] And Randy decided to
explore things he was curious about.
348
00:20:29,328 --> 00:20:33,094
- And I took up the xylophone again.
- ## [Ends]
349
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:36,793
I wasn't very good, but that didn't mean
I wasn't gonna give it my best...
350
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:39,769
and try to make it... awesome.
351
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,514
My name is Earl.
352
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:55,279
[Earl Narrating] When Dad called to say
that we needed to come by...
353
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:59,016
and pick up all our old stuff, I didn't
realize we were gonna have to buy it back.
354
00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:07,689
Your father said you could
have everything for $64.73.
355
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,824
I tried to talk him down,
but he seemed pretty firm.
356
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:14,763
Hey, look, it's Milo.
Remember him?
357
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:18,036
Mom and Dad got him for me
'cause he always tells the truth.
358
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:22,443
[High-pitched Voice] Hi, Earl. Remember
that time you got real drunk and pooped in bed?
359
00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:25,038
[Normal Voice] That is true.
Embarrassing but true.
360
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:27,311
Yeah, I never really liked Milo.
361
00:21:27,419 --> 00:21:30,786
[Gasps] Darnell, check it out.
It's one of them I.Q. Machines.
362
00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:34,450
Try to get the ball in the farthest hole,
and if you do, you're a genius.
363
00:21:34,559 --> 00:21:36,754
Used to play this at the mall
when we would skip school.
364
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:38,853
I was the only one who could
get "genius" every time.
365
00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:40,864
They called me "the ball genius."
366
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:45,369
In the seventh grade, that name took on
a new meaning, but this is where it all started.
367
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,564
- Hey, how much for this?
- Three dollars and 25 cents.
368
00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:50,904
What? Might I remind you...
369
00:21:51,009 --> 00:21:54,206
that I am the mother of what you thought
for a brief second was your grandson?
370
00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,214
Four dollars.
371
00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:04,854
- What are you doing?
- I'm not stealing it.
372
00:22:04,956 --> 00:22:07,481
Just gonna hold onto it
so nobody buys this thing.
373
00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:10,561
Couple hours, they'll be begging us
to take it off their hands.
374
00:22:10,662 --> 00:22:13,460
Ball genius.
375
00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:16,056
See, this is why I don't go
to yard sales with you.
376
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:20,935
Hey, Earl, I'm trying to decide between
buying the lawn darts or our old baby teeth.
377
00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:24,702
The lawn darts are more fun,
but our baby teeth are more practical.
378
00:22:24,810 --> 00:22:27,540
[Earl Narrating] Seeing those lawn darts
was karma's way of telling me...
379
00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:29,739
it was time to do number 87 on my list-
380
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:32,078
chased away Mom and Dad's friends.
381
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,084
Back in the '80s...
382
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,950
our next-door neighbors, Cathy and
Clark Clark, were my parents'best friends.
383
00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:40,115
Hey, have you guys seen this new
"We Are the World"short film...
384
00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:42,125
on that Music Television Video channel?
385
00:22:42,227 --> 00:22:44,422
Shh!
386
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:51,959
I think spiders heat up faster than ants.
387
00:22:52,070 --> 00:22:55,403
I'm good at this, Randy.
Maybe I will be a scientist.
388
00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:58,806
That'd be awesome, Earl.
[High-pitched Voice] Randy forgot to wipe earlier.
389
00:22:58,910 --> 00:23:01,310
I mean, all those poor
starving children.
390
00:23:01,413 --> 00:23:05,110
And-And all those musicians,
with their different musical styles-
391
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,311
Bob Dylan, Dan Aykroyd-
and they're all coming together...
392
00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:11,753
and they're all harmonizing for-
for humanity.
393
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:14,553
I just-
[Sobbing]
394
00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:17,958
- What a tool.
- [Doorbell Rings]
395
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:21,055
[Earl Narrating] Seeing a grown man
shed actual tears was hilarious.
396
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,157
And once we saw it,
we had to see more.
397
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:31,008
#Everybody knows where you
go when the sun goes down #
398
00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:35,569
- # I think you only live to see the lights of town #
- Poor birdies. [Sobbing]
399
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,580
Dead birds were so much fun...
400
00:23:37,682 --> 00:23:41,243
we took it up a notch and found a place
at the mall that made fake newspapers.
401
00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:44,186
#You're gonna cry, cry, cry #
402
00:23:44,289 --> 00:23:47,281
Why are babies killing themselves?
403
00:23:47,392 --> 00:23:49,690
[Both Laughing]
404
00:23:49,795 --> 00:23:52,263
But eventually we pushed him too far.
405
00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,127
#You're gone again #
406
00:23:54,232 --> 00:23:56,496
#Every question that I ask
I get a lie, lie, lie #
407
00:23:56,601 --> 00:24:00,196
[Earl Narrating] Later that afternoon,
Clark realized hejust couldn't take it anymore.
408
00:24:00,305 --> 00:24:02,671
#Gonna cry, cry, cry ##
409
00:24:07,212 --> 00:24:10,181
All I know is, is he was
real upset about something.
410
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,217
He was so emotional, I couldn't understand
what he was talking about.
411
00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:15,218
It just doesn't make any sense.
412
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,788
People don'tjust move in one day.
413
00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:19,880
Something's going on here.
414
00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:22,983
Earl and Randy
tortured Mr. Clark and made him cry.
415
00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:28,866
Come on, Randy.
We need to go find the Clarks.
416
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:33,961
Randy touches himself sometimes.
[Normal Voice]
Shh. Easy, buddy.
417
00:24:35,941 --> 00:24:37,841
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You don't want that.
418
00:24:37,943 --> 00:24:40,503
It's all jacked up,
and it ain't got no marble on it.
419
00:24:40,612 --> 00:24:42,580
Not a problem.
420
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:50,352
That's a straight-up street baller move
right there, Willie.
421
00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:52,855
You're like the Karl Malone of mailmen.
422
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,392
How much, Carl?
423
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,396
- Three dollars and 25 cents.
- Uh-uh, no. That's mine.
424
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:02,831
I had my eye on it
way before you had your eye on it.
425
00:25:02,934 --> 00:25:04,834
- I'll go four.
- Four and a quarter.
426
00:25:04,936 --> 00:25:06,767
- $4.68.
- Five!
427
00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:09,170
- Darnell, how much money you got on you?
- Forty-five.
428
00:25:09,274 --> 00:25:12,835
But we gotta stop and get
Dodge's asthma medicine, so more like-
429
00:25:12,944 --> 00:25:15,674
- Forty-five!
- Sold.
430
00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:17,873
Oh, hell to the no.
431
00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:19,883
This was on there
when we were bidding on it.
432
00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:23,853
You wanted your fake peeper back,
you shouldn't have driven up the price so high.
433
00:25:25,490 --> 00:25:29,085
- Every day's a new adventure.
- [Sighs]
434
00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:31,989
[Earl Narrating]
Wasn't that hard to find Mr. Clark.
435
00:25:32,097 --> 00:25:37,228
He was the only Clark Clark in the phone
book, and they only moved one town over.
436
00:25:37,335 --> 00:25:41,738
Guys, I appreciate what you're doing,
but you weren't the reason we moved.
437
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:45,742
- We weren't?
- No. We moved because, uh, well-
438
00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:48,438
I really- I can't say why we moved.
439
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:52,108
But- But you know what?
440
00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:58,053
I have lived with this for too long,
and maybe it's time that I got it off my chest.
441
00:25:58,156 --> 00:26:01,557
We moved because your mother
and I had an affair.
442
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,992
Mom!
443
00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:12,729
Hey, boys. You want some cookies?
I got hot snickerdoodles.
444
00:26:12,837 --> 00:26:14,930
You know what I want
more than cookies, Mom?
445
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,806
I want to know why you
had sex with Mr. Clark.
446
00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,674
I'd prefer the snickerdoodles.
447
00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:24,681
- Who told you about me and Clark Clark?
- Clark Clark.
448
00:26:24,783 --> 00:26:28,116
Clark Clark.
Damn you, Clark Clark.
449
00:26:28,219 --> 00:26:30,119
[Earl Narrating]
Apparently Dad was always working...
450
00:26:30,221 --> 00:26:32,815
and Clark's wife was always
at self-defense class.
451
00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:35,654
So they kept each other company,
butjust as friends...
452
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,228
until the A&Phad a sale
on wine coolers.
453
00:26:38,330 --> 00:26:40,457
- [Slurred] Do you have any queens?
- # Smell like a sound #
454
00:26:40,565 --> 00:26:43,625
- [Slurred] You are the only queen that I can see.
- # I'm lost in a crowd #
455
00:26:43,735 --> 00:26:45,327
- Ohh.
- # And I'm hungry like the wolf#
456
00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:48,429
- Go fish.
- # Straddle the line in discord and rhyme #
457
00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:51,202
- Do you have any twos?
- # I'm on the hunt I'm after you #
458
00:26:51,309 --> 00:26:54,710
I've got two lonely lips
and two supple breasts.
459
00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:57,179
Why don't you come on over here
and fish around for 'em?
460
00:26:57,282 --> 00:27:01,776
#And I'm hungry like the wolf##
461
00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:09,519
[Earl Narrating] The next day, Mom was
ashamed ofherself and broke things off.
462
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:13,223
Kay, no. Please. You are the most
generous lover I have ever known.
463
00:27:13,331 --> 00:27:14,992
- Oh.
- Cathy just rolls over...
464
00:27:15,100 --> 00:27:17,159
and goes to sleep after
she gets her tinglies.
465
00:27:17,268 --> 00:27:21,898
What we did was wrong, Clark. It was
a-a moment of weakness. It was a mistake.
466
00:27:22,007 --> 00:27:24,498
Your husband is the one
making the mistake.
467
00:27:24,609 --> 00:27:26,509
He doesn't take care of you like I would.
468
00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:30,513
Look! He doesn't even have
your storm windows up yet!
469
00:27:30,615 --> 00:27:34,517
- [Door Opens, Closes]
- Your father's home.
470
00:27:36,621 --> 00:27:40,182
Anyone want to tell me
why the Clarks are moving?
471
00:27:40,291 --> 00:27:44,489
I tried to talk to him, but all he'd do
is tell me I need to put up storm windows.
472
00:27:44,596 --> 00:27:46,496
Is there a hurricane coming?
473
00:27:46,598 --> 00:27:49,499
Uh, all I know is he was
real upset about something.
474
00:27:49,601 --> 00:27:53,196
L- He was so emotional,
I couldn't understand what he was saying.
475
00:27:53,304 --> 00:27:57,434
Don't make any sense.
People don't just move in one day.
476
00:27:57,542 --> 00:28:00,340
- You need to tell Dad.
- Your father is no angel, you know.
477
00:28:00,445 --> 00:28:02,913
I once found a Hooters receipt
in his jean jacket pocket.
478
00:28:03,014 --> 00:28:06,575
Look, no one knows what
it's like to be cheated on more than I do.
479
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:10,280
- Dad deserves to know.
- Dad deserves to know what?
480
00:28:10,388 --> 00:28:14,722
Oh, Carl. Wait until you hear this.
Apparently your wife-
481
00:28:14,826 --> 00:28:17,795
The hell is going on?
What was the puppet talking about?
482
00:28:17,896 --> 00:28:19,796
Mom?
483
00:28:21,299 --> 00:28:26,430
Carl, do you remember 1985?
484
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:32,443
My wife's a whore! All neighbors
are welcome! Line forms at the garage!
485
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:36,378
[Earl Narrating] When you're little and your
parents split up, they decide who gets you.
486
00:28:36,481 --> 00:28:41,748
When you're adults and they split up,
you decide who gets them. I got Dad.
487
00:28:41,853 --> 00:28:45,016
Women.
You're with 'em for 40 years.
488
00:28:45,123 --> 00:28:47,751
You learn the special way
to fold the towels.
489
00:28:47,859 --> 00:28:50,919
You go see Neil Sedaka
at the civic center.
490
00:28:51,029 --> 00:28:54,556
You even put up one of those piece-of-crap
Thomas Kinkade paintings in the bedroom.
491
00:28:54,666 --> 00:28:58,124
- And for what?
- I hear ya. You steal for 'em, fight for 'em...
492
00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:02,002
they still hand you a different colored baby
from a different colored father.
493
00:29:02,107 --> 00:29:04,302
- Bitches.
- Bitches!
494
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:06,604
And Clark Clark.
Who the hell does he think he is?
495
00:29:06,711 --> 00:29:08,975
Sticking it to my mother.
Your wife.
496
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,014
He's lucky you don't kick his ass.
497
00:29:11,116 --> 00:29:15,177
Oh, he's lucky all right.
But his luck just ran out.
498
00:29:16,955 --> 00:29:20,982
I'm gonna make him wish he went across
the street and banged Mrs. Henderson.
499
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:23,424
- Let's do this!
- [Door Opens]
500
00:29:23,528 --> 00:29:27,328
I know this isn't a time to brag,
but I did bang Mrs. Henderson.
501
00:29:27,565 --> 00:29:30,295
[Tires Squealing]
502
00:29:32,537 --> 00:29:34,437
Why'd you stop?
503
00:29:34,539 --> 00:29:36,336
Keep doing what you
were doing in the car.
504
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:41,344
Sorry. # It's the eye of the tiger
It's the thrill of the fight #
505
00:29:41,446 --> 00:29:45,712
# Risin' up to the challenge
of our rival #
506
00:29:45,817 --> 00:29:47,876
#And the last known survivor #
507
00:29:47,986 --> 00:29:50,955
- # Stalks his prey in the night ##
- [Door Opens]
508
00:29:51,055 --> 00:29:54,855
- Carl!
- Hi, Cathy. Is Clark here?
509
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:58,451
Yeah, he's doing a puzzle
in the sunroom. How are you?
510
00:29:58,563 --> 00:30:01,726
- Great. Can you just get Clark, please?
- Sure.
511
00:30:01,833 --> 00:30:06,998
- [Fingers Snap]
- # Rising up, Back on the streets #
512
00:30:07,105 --> 00:30:11,064
# Did my time
Took my chances #
513
00:30:11,176 --> 00:30:14,612
#Went the distance
Now I'm back on my-## Here he comes.
514
00:30:18,349 --> 00:30:20,909
Carl, listen, I'm- Ooh!
515
00:30:21,019 --> 00:30:25,251
[Laughs]
Ooh!
516
00:30:25,356 --> 00:30:28,348
What the hell is wrong with you?
He's half your size!
517
00:30:28,459 --> 00:30:31,326
Ohh! Ohh!
518
00:30:34,365 --> 00:30:38,324
# It's the eye of the tiger
It's the thrill of the fight #
519
00:30:38,436 --> 00:30:43,169
# Risin' up to the challenge of our rival #
520
00:30:43,274 --> 00:30:47,040
[Man Singing] # And the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night #
521
00:30:47,145 --> 00:30:52,276
- # And he's watchin'us all in the eye #
- You!
522
00:30:52,383 --> 00:30:55,352
#Of the tiger#
523
00:31:03,428 --> 00:31:07,626
- [Screams]
- # The eye of the tiger##
524
00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:09,700
- Ohh!
- [Body Thuds]
525
00:31:09,801 --> 00:31:12,463
[Dog Barks In Distance]
526
00:31:18,176 --> 00:31:22,943
My nose stopped bleeding,
but I think ruined my sock.
527
00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:25,777
At least you
got to punch Clark Clark.
528
00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,977
You got your revenge.
529
00:31:28,086 --> 00:31:32,489
Man, I'm jealous.
That's gotta feel pretty good, huh?
530
00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:36,219
Actually, no.
I don't feel any different at all.
531
00:31:36,327 --> 00:31:40,388
And you know why?
'Cause I'm not really mad at Clark Clark.
532
00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:43,831
I'm mad at your mother.
That's who I should be getting revenge on.
533
00:31:43,935 --> 00:31:48,463
Dad, don't-don't fight Mom. You already
got your ass kicked by one woman today.
534
00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:51,007
I'm not fighting your mother.
535
00:31:51,109 --> 00:31:55,307
I want to feel better, I need real revenge.
An eye for an eye.
536
00:31:55,413 --> 00:31:57,472
I need to get laid.
537
00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:09,652
Damn it. Swear to God, I used to be
able to do this drunk when I was a kid.
538
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:13,356
Stop eyeballing me, Willie.
If you want this back, fork over the cash.
539
00:32:15,266 --> 00:32:17,826
Last night, she took a shower
and she left it on the sink.
540
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:21,963
I tried to grab it for you, but it was staring
at me and I got a little freaked out.
541
00:32:22,073 --> 00:32:26,203
If she puts it down again, it's looking
the other way, I'll give it another shot.
542
00:32:26,311 --> 00:32:30,042
I know it was wrong. I do.
But it's not like he didn't push me there.
543
00:32:30,148 --> 00:32:33,083
He was never home.
And when he was...
544
00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:37,314
well, let-let's just say that your father does
not know his way around a woman's body.
545
00:32:37,422 --> 00:32:40,220
He's got two moves:
Squeeze the Charmin...
546
00:32:40,325 --> 00:32:43,226
and poke around down there
like he's trying to pop a balloon.
547
00:32:43,328 --> 00:32:46,820
Yeah, that guy sure is
terrible at touching moms.
548
00:32:46,931 --> 00:32:50,458
Hey, I know what might make us
feel better. Not talking about this stuff.
549
00:32:50,568 --> 00:32:53,901
I mean, what do I have to do,
draw him a map of my vagina?
550
00:32:54,005 --> 00:32:57,338
- Oops. I'll go get us more drinks.
- Okay.
551
00:32:57,442 --> 00:32:59,842
I'm gonna tinkle.
552
00:33:05,717 --> 00:33:08,777
Randy, you look stressed.
What's the matter, punkin'?
553
00:33:08,886 --> 00:33:11,616
There words on the menu
you're stuck on?
554
00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:15,721
If I tell you, you promise
not to say anything?
555
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:20,225
Well, well, well.
556
00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:22,993
Fee-fi-fum-fo...
557
00:33:23,101 --> 00:33:25,934
I smell the stank
of a stank-ass ho.
558
00:33:26,037 --> 00:33:29,370
- Oh, God.
- Who's the cheating piece-of-trash strumpet...
559
00:33:29,474 --> 00:33:31,999
who doesn't deserve to have
the same last name as you now?
560
00:33:32,110 --> 00:33:34,738
That's right.
I read your Christmas letters.
561
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:38,338
- Leave me alone!
- I'm just sayin' we might've gotten along...
562
00:33:38,449 --> 00:33:40,747
if we'd have known we both
can't be satisfied by Hickey men.
563
00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:44,015
- I am nothing like you!
- Ow!
564
00:33:44,122 --> 00:33:46,682
Damn it! You got me
with your heel.
565
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,594
Maybe I had one moment of weakness.
566
00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,859
But you-You made cheating a lifestyle.
567
00:33:54,966 --> 00:33:58,527
I love my husband!
He does the best he can.
568
00:34:10,281 --> 00:34:13,842
Great. Darnell, get me a rag!
569
00:34:13,951 --> 00:34:17,409
Somebody kicked me in the face
in the bathroom again!
570
00:34:17,522 --> 00:34:20,491
- [Chattering]
- [Chuckles] There she is.
571
00:34:20,591 --> 00:34:25,893
If your mother thinks she's the only one
with sexual options, she is mistaken.
572
00:34:25,997 --> 00:34:29,728
Once again, Dad, l-I gotta say,
I'm a little conflicted about this.
573
00:34:29,834 --> 00:34:31,802
Next.
574
00:34:33,271 --> 00:34:36,468
- Hello, Brenda.
- Carl. I like your shirt.
575
00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:40,943
Well, according to you on numerous occasions,
this color brings out the blue in my eyes.
576
00:34:41,045 --> 00:34:43,275
- Makes 'em sparkle.
- [Both Chuckling]
577
00:34:43,381 --> 00:34:45,281
What can I do for you today?
578
00:34:45,383 --> 00:34:49,285
Today. Today, I'd like to open
a separate account.
579
00:34:49,387 --> 00:34:51,947
One that would be
separate from my wife.
580
00:34:52,056 --> 00:34:56,823
Perhaps one that I could use to pay
for dinner for two at Casa de Maison...
581
00:34:56,928 --> 00:35:00,159
with somebody that likes blue eyes.
582
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:03,165
- Next.
- Oh, you-you can go.
583
00:35:03,267 --> 00:35:05,667
I'm just watching my dad
try to get laid.
584
00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:09,968
Look, uh, I'm sorry
if I sent the wrong message...
585
00:35:10,074 --> 00:35:12,440
but I was just trying to be nice.
586
00:35:12,543 --> 00:35:14,170
It's just customer service.
587
00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:18,647
With a face like that, who needs hair?
[Chuckling]
588
00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:26,583
So, just to be clear, uh, you're, uh...
589
00:35:26,691 --> 00:35:30,855
not interested in having
sexual relations with me?
590
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:33,021
No.
591
00:35:36,501 --> 00:35:39,868
I'd like to close my account, please.
592
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,871
[Earl Narrating]
Our first stop was a disaster.
593
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:45,807
But Dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't
the only woman in town who flirted with him.
594
00:35:45,910 --> 00:35:48,970
- Next.
- Hello, Diana.
595
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,843
- There's my Carl.
- [Chuckles]
596
00:35:50,948 --> 00:35:55,248
I'd like a box of your largest condoms.
Ribbed for her pleasure.
597
00:35:55,353 --> 00:35:59,084
And when I say her,
I might just be talking about you.
598
00:35:59,190 --> 00:36:02,250
Ohh!
599
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:05,386
It's gonna go again.
Take off my other sock.
600
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:08,363
[Earl Narrating] Dad said there was one
other woman in town who flirted with him-
601
00:36:08,466 --> 00:36:10,366
the waitress at the diner.
602
00:36:10,468 --> 00:36:12,402
So we headed over
to give him one more chance.
603
00:36:12,503 --> 00:36:14,403
You stay here.
604
00:36:14,505 --> 00:36:17,702
I think those other women would've been
game if I hadn't had my son with me.
605
00:36:17,808 --> 00:36:21,403
- I think you creeped 'em out a little.
- [Sighs]
606
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:25,346
[Earl Narrating] I wanted Dad to feel better,
but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl.
607
00:36:25,449 --> 00:36:27,713
I was also hoping
he didn't get hit again...
608
00:36:27,818 --> 00:36:31,549
'cause he was out of socks,
and I'd been wearing mine for a week.
609
00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:36,619
[Chuckles]
610
00:36:36,727 --> 00:36:38,627
She's coming out as soon
as she freshens up.
611
00:36:38,729 --> 00:36:41,721
I told you this was a slam dunk.
I'm running across the street for condoms.
612
00:36:41,832 --> 00:36:45,734
D-D-Da-Dad! Dad, wait.
We-We really should talk about this.
613
00:36:45,836 --> 00:36:48,999
L-I don't know if I'm cool
with this actually happening.
614
00:36:53,444 --> 00:36:56,777
- Patty?
- Hey, Earl.
615
00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:58,781
When did you start workin' here?
616
00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:01,579
A couple of months ago.
I had to pick up a second job.
617
00:37:01,686 --> 00:37:04,780
My hooking took a bit of hit when Bush
monkeyed with the Daylight Saving schedule.
618
00:37:06,724 --> 00:37:09,557
I'll be needing these for use this evening
with a young lady...
619
00:37:09,660 --> 00:37:12,629
who delivers on the promises
she makes with her eyes.
620
00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:15,494
I thought you needed
the largest kind we had.
621
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,659
Just ring it up, pecker-tease.
622
00:37:17,768 --> 00:37:22,228
Listen, I just don't know that sex
with a hooker is what my dad's lookin' for.
623
00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:25,070
Not-Not that you're not great.
I've heard wonderful things.
624
00:37:25,176 --> 00:37:28,509
Thanks. Word of mouth
is very important in my line of work.
625
00:37:28,613 --> 00:37:32,140
It's right up there with eye contact
and concealing sores.
626
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:35,617
Hello. I see you met my son.
627
00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:38,280
I just had to run across the street
for a few personal items.
628
00:37:38,389 --> 00:37:40,289
And a little something for you.
629
00:37:40,391 --> 00:37:43,019
Thank you.
630
00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:47,461
Oh, they have nuts in them. Oh, that's sweet,
but some of my clients have allergies...
631
00:37:47,565 --> 00:37:51,057
so I need to keep this
a peanut-free zone.
632
00:37:53,537 --> 00:37:55,937
Dad, Patty's a hooker.
633
00:37:56,040 --> 00:38:01,342
No, no, no, no, she's not. She's a waitress.
A waitress who flirts with me.
634
00:38:01,445 --> 00:38:02,969
Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.
635
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,140
Damn it! This was not how
this was supposed to work.
636
00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:09,310
It's not revenge sex
if I have to pay for it!
637
00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:12,719
If you change your mind,
sometimes I have coupons in the PennySaver.
638
00:38:12,823 --> 00:38:15,849
- It says "massage," but-
- I'm not changing my mind!
639
00:38:17,328 --> 00:38:20,855
All right, so the chicks didn't work out.
Forget the chicks.
640
00:38:20,965 --> 00:38:24,059
I say we go back to Clark Clark's,
but this time we bring a bat.
641
00:38:24,168 --> 00:38:26,102
We do it when his wife's at work.
642
00:38:26,203 --> 00:38:28,535
[Sobs]
Why'd she do this to me?
643
00:38:28,639 --> 00:38:32,200
Why'd she make me feel this way?
[Sobbing]
644
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,746
[Earl Narrating] There were two things
I could've sworn I'd never see with my own eyes:
645
00:38:35,846 --> 00:38:39,839
A real bear carrying a picnic basket
and my dad crying.
646
00:38:39,950 --> 00:38:45,217
- [Body Thudding]
- I was taught from a young age
that Hickey men don't cry.
647
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:48,656
Don't cry, or I'll give you
something to cry about.
648
00:38:48,759 --> 00:38:50,659
And no matter what happened...
649
00:38:50,761 --> 00:38:54,390
he always made sure
I never saw him shed a tear.
650
00:38:54,498 --> 00:38:57,899
- [Sawing]
- Ooh, damn it!
651
00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:02,166
Earl, go get me my reading glasses.
I have to look for my fingertip.
652
00:39:02,273 --> 00:39:06,471
Whatever life dished out,
he always remained strong.
653
00:39:06,577 --> 00:39:10,843
Well, my mom's dead.
Pass the corn.
654
00:39:10,948 --> 00:39:12,848
- [Sobbing]
- A funny thing happens...
655
00:39:12,950 --> 00:39:16,351
when the man you look up to your whole
life breaks his own rules and cries.
656
00:39:16,454 --> 00:39:19,890
- It finally gives you permission to.
- # I was all right #
657
00:39:19,990 --> 00:39:22,220
- # For a while #
- Everything with Joy happened so long ago...
658
00:39:22,326 --> 00:39:26,729
- # I could smile for a while #
- but all this stuff with Mom makes it hurt again.
659
00:39:26,831 --> 00:39:29,322
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- # But I saw you last night #
660
00:39:29,433 --> 00:39:32,630
- It's never gonna go away.
- # You held my hand so tight #
661
00:39:32,737 --> 00:39:37,071
- So we cried. Together.
- # As you stopped to say hello #
662
00:39:37,174 --> 00:39:39,665
- # You wished me well #
- We even tried talking about how we felt...
663
00:39:39,777 --> 00:39:43,736
which was hard for my dad
and the son he raised to ignore his feelings.
664
00:39:43,848 --> 00:39:46,942
- # That I'd been crying #
- It's like someone took out my stomach and-
665
00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:48,951
- I don't even know what.
- # Over you #
666
00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:52,079
- Stomped on it. That's what it feels like.
- # Crying #
667
00:39:52,189 --> 00:39:55,556
- Yeah, but not with a sneaker.
With something worse.
- # Over you #
668
00:39:55,659 --> 00:39:57,490
- # Crying #
- Like a golf shoe.
669
00:39:57,595 --> 00:40:00,257
- ## [Continues]
- I don't know golf shoes. Are they heavy?
670
00:40:00,364 --> 00:40:02,389
No, but they got spikes on the bottoms.
671
00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:05,128
Oh, then yeah.
Yeah, that's what it feels like.
672
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:09,297
- A golf shoe.
- Right.
673
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,932
[Earl Narrating] And the more honest
we were about how we felt...
674
00:40:12,042 --> 00:40:15,341
- the more honest we became about everything.
- # Crying #
675
00:40:15,446 --> 00:40:17,880
- # Crying #
- If I just wouldn't have spent
so much time at work.
676
00:40:17,982 --> 00:40:20,314
- # Crying #
- No. Do not blame yourself.
677
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:23,114
- I will not stand here and let you blame yourself.
- # I'm crying #
678
00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:25,120
I'm not saying what
they did wasn't wrong.
679
00:40:25,222 --> 00:40:27,918
- But I will say they're
not the only ones to blame.
- # Crying #
680
00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:32,985
Okay, now you're bringing some stuff up
I'm not sure I'm ready to hear.
681
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:37,295
[Earl Narrating] After a whole night of crying
and more hugging than I'd like to admit...
682
00:40:37,401 --> 00:40:39,460
we discovered something unexpected.
683
00:40:39,570 --> 00:40:42,903
[Sighs]
I think I feel better.
684
00:40:43,007 --> 00:40:45,339
- Me too.
- ## [Ends]
685
00:40:54,385 --> 00:40:58,446
#Upon my word
what does it mean #
686
00:40:58,556 --> 00:41:01,889
#Is it love or is it me #
687
00:41:01,992 --> 00:41:03,926
[Earl Narrating]
Anger's a heavy burden to carry...
688
00:41:04,028 --> 00:41:07,794
but Dad realized that revenge
didn't make it any lighter- forgiveness did.
689
00:41:07,898 --> 00:41:10,799
#Looking out #
690
00:41:10,901 --> 00:41:16,840
#To feeling free #
691
00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:21,703
And forgiveness lightened
the burden of guilt too.
692
00:41:21,812 --> 00:41:25,111
#I sit here lying in my bed #
693
00:41:25,216 --> 00:41:29,050
#Wondering what it was I said #
694
00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:33,055
#That made me think
I lost my head #
695
00:41:33,157 --> 00:41:36,024
#When I knew I lost #
696
00:41:36,126 --> 00:41:40,324
[Earl Narrating] And if it worked for Mom
and Dad, maybe it could work for me too.
697
00:41:40,431 --> 00:41:44,060
Joy, I forgive you
for cheatin' on me.
698
00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:46,432
Good. 'Cause I'd do it
again in a heartbeat.
699
00:41:46,537 --> 00:41:49,438
Now move.
You're standin' in my light.
700
00:41:49,540 --> 00:41:53,533
Forgiveness was a peaceful feeling.
I felt calm, more focused.
701
00:41:53,644 --> 00:41:58,707
I can't say if my words madeJoy feel the same,
but I like to think it might have.
702
00:41:59,850 --> 00:42:03,411
I did it! I did it! Genius!
703
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,421
And maybe by forgiving her...
704
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:08,617
I showed her that there's room in
your heart for things other than revenge.
705
00:42:08,726 --> 00:42:12,253
That sometimes it's far better
to give an eye than to take an eye.
706
00:42:16,133 --> 00:42:18,795
- Thank you.
- ## [Ends]