1
00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:06,038
[Randy] No, Earl. You're not listening.
I never said "instead of."
2
00:00:06,139 --> 00:00:08,039
You'd still have
your regular hands...
3
00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:10,109
but you'd also have robot hands.
4
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:13,941
Okay, fine. Yes, and with robot hands,
you could open beers faster.
5
00:00:14,047 --> 00:00:15,947
Thank you. Geez.
6
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,246
- Oh, wow. Look, a hat.
- Randy, wait!
7
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:21,513
[Earl Narrating]
Every now and then, Randy found a new hat-
8
00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:23,680
which brought the unwelcome
addition oflice...
9
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:26,020
and a new personality.
10
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:28,686
[Mexican Accent]
Let's go get some chicken wings!
11
00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:33,332
[Imitating John Wayne]
Howdy, pilgrim.
12
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:36,266
Yo, yo, yo!
What's up, my home-Earl?
13
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:38,200
But Randy hadn't found a hat
in a while...
14
00:00:38,304 --> 00:00:40,898
and I was hopin'this time
would be different.
15
00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:43,134
- Hey, Earl.
- Yeah?
16
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,939
Wouldst thou fancy a beer?
I certainly shall.
17
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,881
- Son of a bitch.
- Don't dally.
18
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,311
My name is Earl.
19
00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:00,824
Darnell, I do believe I'll have a beer-
in a glass.
20
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:03,327
And you know what,
why don't we throw a cherry on top.
21
00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:07,265
Thank you, my fine sir.
22
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,267
Oh, so suave.
23
00:01:13,506 --> 00:01:14,939
Casablanca.
24
00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:16,941
They don't watch
black-and-white movies...
25
00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:19,011
'cause it reminds them too much
of newspapers.
26
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:21,342
They don't watch
black-and-white movies...
27
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:23,939
because it reminds whom
too much of newspapers.
28
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:27,747
Now, if you'll excuse me,
therefore, what for...
29
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,982
wherewithal, henceforth,
English muffins.
30
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,821
[Sighs]
31
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:37,226
I seen the giant pig!
I seen Pigsquatch!
32
00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,321
[Earl Narrating]
There was a legend of a giant pig...
33
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,457
that lived in the woods
near the trailer park.
34
00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:43,832
Nobody sober had ever
actually seen it-
35
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,770
- [Grunting, Squealing]
- [Gasps] Pigsquatch!
36
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,933
- until Joy.
- Pigsquatch.
37
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:53,809
You sure the neighbor didn't just wheel his
shut-in mom out to the yard to hose her off?
38
00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:58,748
I think I know the difference
between a prehistoric pig and Jumbo Sally.
39
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,844
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna catch him.
40
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,014
Joy, what would you do
with a giant pig?
41
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,218
Make a damn fortune.
Tourists pay good money to see giant stuff.
42
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,522
World's biggest Slinky.
World's biggest staircase-
43
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,529
which is next
to the world's biggest Slinky.
44
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:14,532
Even me and this idiot paid 10 bucks each
to see the world's biggest anthill.
45
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,932
Remember that-
when we took that R.V. Trip?
46
00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:18,936
[Earl Narrating]
I did remember.
47
00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:22,132
'Cause that R. V. Trip she was talking about
was number 47 on my list.
48
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:26,042
A while back, the kids were mistakenly
detained by Child Protective Services.
49
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,046
Since we knew
they were in good hands...
50
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,116
we decided we wanted
to go on vacation.
51
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,241
- So we stole one.
- [Engine Starts]
52
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:36,880
#And when I wanna go home
I'm goin'mobile #
53
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,652
And we discovered we hadn't
just stole a vacation...
54
00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:42,057
we stole a whole new lifestyle.
55
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,062
Check it out.
56
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,394
These R.V. People
have special glasses just for wine.
57
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,626
Wow. It looks like it's on stilts.
58
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:51,898
That's really smart. It's closer to your mouth
so you can drink it faster.
59
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,905
Man, R.V.'s are so much better
than trailers.
60
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,998
When a twister's comin',
you can just drive away...
61
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:59,306
instead of just sittin' in your bathtub
with a pillow over your head like a chump.
62
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:02,040
- [Chuckles] I ain't ever goin' back.
- Don't have to.
63
00:03:02,148 --> 00:03:05,549
We're R.V. People now,
thanks to this baby.
64
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:08,746
It's gonna be stilt glasses,
cup holders on the walls...
65
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,881
and tables that turn into beds
from now on.
66
00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:14,152
Cheers to hittin' the freakin'jackpot.
67
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:22,863
[Sighs] Randy, did you turn off the stove
when you were finished cookin' the Helper?
68
00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:26,632
Yeah. I mean, my hands were full,
so I blew it out.
69
00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:28,639
Lfigured, "What's the worst
that could happen?"
70
00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,732
Now we know.
71
00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:34,609
[Earl Narrating]
Andjust like that, our R. V.'ing days were over.
72
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:38,707
Luckily, the guy we stole it from was living
in the same spot, just without wheels.
73
00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:41,480
There's gotta be something
I can do for you-
74
00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:45,046
get you a new R.V.,
find you a new place to live.
75
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,092
I don't want nothin'.
Just leave me alone...
76
00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:49,218
and let me sit here and wait to die.
77
00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:51,627
But I gotta cross you off my list.
78
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,665
You wanna cross me off your list...
79
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:57,566
just pump me full of morphine and beat me
over the head with that rake till I'm dead.
80
00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:05,368
[Earl Narrating] I wasn't gonna kill the guy,
but I wasn't gonna do nothing either.
81
00:04:05,478 --> 00:04:08,777
So I decided to watch him
and see if I came up with any ideas.
82
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:12,840
- ## [Cowbell]
- # All our times have come #
83
00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:16,187
And I found out he wasn't lying.
84
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:19,781
- # Here but now they're gone #
- He was just waiting to die.
85
00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:25,189
#Seasons don't fear the reaper#
86
00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:29,166
#Nor do the wind and the sun and the rain
We can be like they are #
87
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,966
- [Thunder Rumbling]
- While I still didn't know
what I was supposed to do to help him...
88
00:04:33,072 --> 00:04:34,972
at least I figured out
a place to start.
89
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:37,042
Mornin', Jerry.
I'm here to fix your roo-
90
00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:39,008
#We'll be able to fly
Don't fear the reaper##
91
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,876
- Sorry.
- Doesn't matter.
92
00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:45,244
While I was fixin'Jerry's roof...
93
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:48,809
Joy was gettin'started
on her get-rich-quick pig plan.
94
00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:52,618
- Baby, the boys are hungry. Where's the bacon?
- On the end of this string.
95
00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:54,625
Soon as Pigsquatch
gets a whiff of it...
96
00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:56,627
I'm gonna pull the string,
lure him to me...
97
00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:58,822
and then knock him out
with a baseball bat- kablam!
98
00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:00,831
You can't catch a pig with bacon.
99
00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:03,493
That's like trying to catch a cow
with a cheeseburger.
100
00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:06,265
Darnell, I'm hearin' a lot of"no" and "can't"
from you right now.
101
00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,966
If you're not gonna get with
the pig-catchin' program, shut the hell up.
102
00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:12,476
All I'm sayin' is the boys are drinking
Tom Collins mix for breakfast.
103
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:16,309
We can't send 'em
to school like that.
104
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,077
- [Loud Grunt]
- Jesus!
105
00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:20,084
## [Radio: Country]
106
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:22,313
[Earl Narrating] Although
I'd spent the morning fixing Jerry's roof...
107
00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,481
I couldn't help feeling
that I still hadn't done enough.
108
00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:27,184
- [Changing Stations]
- At least it shouldn't rain on you anymore, huh?
109
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:30,660
Let me get that for you.
110
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,957
## [Radio: Folk, Up-tempo]
111
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,732
[Changing Stations]
112
00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:49,742
- [Changing Stations]
- Wait. R-Randy, go back a station.
113
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,682
## [Folk, Up-tempo]
114
00:05:56,522 --> 00:06:00,424
Jerry, you-you're movin'.
You like that jug music?
115
00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:03,393
Love the jug.
116
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:06,021
It's the easiest instrument
to learn...
117
00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:08,726
hardest to master.
118
00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:10,735
Actually, that's not true.
119
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:13,567
Hell, in a good wind,
it actually plays itself.
120
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:16,938
You could be dead
for all that jug cares.
121
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,278
I miss my jug.
122
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,508
Used to have one
before you blew it up in that R.V. Fire...
123
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,880
you jackass.
124
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:28,818
[Earl Narrating] It still didn't seem
like it made up for burning an R. V...
125
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:33,483
but at least fixing his roof and getting him
a jug were better than doing nothin'.
126
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:36,790
Oh. That is a beauty.
127
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,421
Brings back good memories, huh?
128
00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:41,591
Oh, yeah.
129
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:44,226
My R.V. Was filled with memories.
130
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:48,068
Doohickeys, things from my past-
you know, "momentos."
131
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,665
Yep. The Freshmaker.
132
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:53,302
Well, that's what I can do
to make up to you, Jerry-
133
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,746
find some way to replace the things
that got burned up in your R.V.
134
00:06:56,849 --> 00:07:00,114
- What other stuff did you have in there?
- My dead wife.
135
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:03,620
No, I don't think so. We probably
would've remembered a dead wife.
136
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,782
No. Pictures of her.
137
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:09,293
I had pictures of her
all over the wall.
138
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:13,798
Yeah, l- I met her when I first came back
from the war in Korea.
139
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,666
Those pictures kinda made me feel
like her arms were around me.
140
00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:22,499
This was her song-
"Moonlight Sonata."
141
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,705
## [Single Note]
142
00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:31,216
## [Repeating Same Note]
143
00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:47,032
## [Same, Long Note]
144
00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:55,230
And that, gentlemen,
will get you laid.
145
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,935
[Earl Narrating] I didn't know how
to replace pictures ofJerry's dead wife...
146
00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:01,309
but ifhe needed some arms around him,
I had an idea where to go.
147
00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:04,739
That's a good one.
148
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:07,820
My favorite is still the one
where you're riding it sidesaddle.
149
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,378
Acting ladylike on a giant pig-
That makes me laugh.
150
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,221
Just keep takin' pictures
before this thing wakes up.
151
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,387
Holy crap!
You caught Pigsquatch?
152
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,989
- How'd you do it?
- Put a bunch of sleeping pills in a bucket of slop-
153
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,364
basically the pig version
of how I got you to marry me.
154
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:26,029
Nice. Listen, do you still
have that Real Doll...
155
00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:28,129
you bought to make Darnell
think you were in bed...
156
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,141
when you ran to Mexico
to avoid the cops...
157
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,473
but got caught by Dog,
the bounty hunter, went on trial...
158
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:35,411
and I went to prison for it,
then got out, got hit by a car...
159
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,507
and went into a coma where I thought
I was livin' in a sitcom world?
160
00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:41,382
- Yeah.
- Can I take her? It's for a good cause.
161
00:08:41,487 --> 00:08:45,287
I don't know. Me and Darnell still use her
sometimes on date night.
162
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,924
Boys, Mommy and Daddy are goin' out.
163
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,689
Aunt Gretchen's here to babysit.
164
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:54,391
And if I were you, I'd stay in your room,
'cause she brought her paddle.
165
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:59,162
Okay, baby,
let's go eat some shrimps.
166
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,808
You know what-
if you want her, you can have her.
167
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:09,108
Caught Darnell takin' a bath with her
the other day.
168
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,615
Says he was washing her.
I have my doubts.
169
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,617
Thanks, Joy.
170
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:18,753
Joy, come here.
Does this pig look funny to you?
171
00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:20,758
All pigs look funny to me, Darnell.
172
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:24,057
Porky, Petunia, Miss Piggy-
hilarious.
173
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:26,996
No, I mean in that it's not breathing.
He's dead.
174
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,499
And I don't think anybody's gonna pay
to see a dead pig.
175
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:32,298
He's not dead.
He's just sleeping.
176
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:37,738
Oh, hell.
I only gave him 50 pills.
177
00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:41,472
My mama used to take that many every
Friday night and wash it down with a gin Rickey...
178
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,914
and wake up the next morning
feeling fresh as a daisy to do her paper route.
179
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,247
Damn lightweight.
180
00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:49,977
- ## [Note Repeating]
- [Earl Narrating]
Once I got the Real Doll from Joy...
181
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:54,082
me and Randy gave it a makeover
and changed it into a Real Old Doll.
182
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:57,424
Hey, Jerry, check it out.
Arms to put around you.
183
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,592
What good is a plastic mannequin
gonna do me?
184
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,603
Give it a shot.
185
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,267
Can you make the hug tighter?
186
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:12,344
[Earl Narrating]
After he got the doll...
187
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,575
Jerry started thinking about more things
from his trailer that he wanted us to replace-
188
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,616
[Chuckling]
Hey, did you have fun?
189
00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:21,118
Like his old animal heads.
190
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:22,915
#I'm alive #
191
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:26,116
And the more stuff we replaced,
like his old hunting equipment...
192
00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:29,388
the more alive he became.
193
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:32,987
By the time we tracked down an exact
replica ofhis Special Forces uniform...
194
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,828
he was a new man.
195
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:37,903
#Is this really me ##
196
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:40,996
And he was feelin'so good,
he even wanted to go out for a drink.
197
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,802
[Laughing]
198
00:10:42,908 --> 00:10:45,206
Oh, there's one more thing I need.
It's a pendant.
199
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,974
There's only one other like it
in the whole wide world.
200
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:51,379
An old army buddy of mine has it...
201
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,679
and I would like
to go with you to get it.
202
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:57,813
- That's the spirit.
- Yes. Hip, hip. Cheerios. Harry Potter.
203
00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:00,858
[Laughing]
Huh?
204
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,019
[Earl Narrating]
I was feeling good.
205
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:05,893
I hadn't given up on Jerry,
and it paid off.
206
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,592
I really felt like
I brought a man back to life.
207
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:15,071
According to the V.F.W.,
this is the place.
208
00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:18,303
Oh, I wanna thank you, Earl.
209
00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:24,541
All I wanted to do was die.
Now look at me.
210
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:29,019
I got my stuff back.
I got my plastic wife to hug.
211
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:31,919
And now I'm gonna cut
this jackass's ear off.
212
00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:36,353
I can't thank you enough, Earl.
213
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:38,396
Did you say cut off his ear?
214
00:11:41,899 --> 00:11:44,094
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
215
00:11:44,201 --> 00:11:46,761
You're gonna cut off
your army buddy's ear?
216
00:11:46,870 --> 00:11:49,236
Yeah. That's what the "pendant" was.
I'd have called it an ear...
217
00:11:49,339 --> 00:11:51,239
but you probably wouldn't
have driven me here.
218
00:11:51,341 --> 00:11:53,536
[Earl Narrating]
Ends up, during the Korean War...
219
00:11:53,644 --> 00:11:57,478
Jerry and his buddy were caught behind
enemy lines when Jerry got wounded.
220
00:11:57,581 --> 00:11:59,481
- [Machine Gun Fire]
- [Groans]
221
00:11:59,583 --> 00:12:01,642
Jerry, we both can't make it.
222
00:12:01,752 --> 00:12:05,449
No, don't go. Haven't you seen the movies?
"Never leave a man behind."
223
00:12:05,556 --> 00:12:09,048
No, but I seen the ones
where they say, "Go on without me."
224
00:12:09,159 --> 00:12:11,059
Sometimes they even say,
"Marry my best girl."
225
00:12:11,161 --> 00:12:13,061
- Sorry!
- Damn you-
226
00:12:13,163 --> 00:12:16,394
But the only thing Jerry
could keep from leaving was Joe's ear.
227
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,627
[Shrieking]
228
00:12:18,735 --> 00:12:20,635
Joe!
229
00:12:20,737 --> 00:12:22,637
Come back here, you coward!
230
00:12:22,739 --> 00:12:25,071
You're a coward!
231
00:12:25,175 --> 00:12:27,166
[Grunting]
232
00:12:27,277 --> 00:12:29,336
Jerry got captured
and held on to the ear...
233
00:12:29,446 --> 00:12:33,007
as a reminder ofhow much
he wanted to survive.
234
00:12:33,116 --> 00:12:36,051
And as the months passed,
the ear became more than a reminder.
235
00:12:36,153 --> 00:12:38,053
It became a companion.
236
00:12:38,155 --> 00:12:40,749
I got four pretty ladies.
What do you got, Joe's ear?
237
00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:44,586
Damn, Joe's ear.
You're good.
238
00:12:46,263 --> 00:12:49,630
And it continued to be a part ofhis life
even after the war.
239
00:12:49,733 --> 00:12:51,963
Okay, Isabel, Joe's ear...
240
00:12:52,069 --> 00:12:55,630
we're off to see the world.
241
00:12:59,076 --> 00:13:00,976
Sorry. I can't let you do this.
242
00:13:01,078 --> 00:13:02,978
I'm not asking for your permission.
243
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,210
That coward left me for dead for 50 years,
and he never gave it another thought.
244
00:13:08,251 --> 00:13:11,015
Jerry, give me the knife.
245
00:13:14,825 --> 00:13:17,259
[Groans, Grunts]
246
00:13:18,328 --> 00:13:20,296
[Whimpers]
247
00:13:25,168 --> 00:13:27,068
[Earl]
Joe!
248
00:13:28,305 --> 00:13:30,398
Look out, Joe!
249
00:13:30,507 --> 00:13:32,407
Joe!
250
00:13:32,509 --> 00:13:34,443
What the hell's goin' on out here?
251
00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:36,910
- Jerry Burney's here for your ear.
- Jerry?
252
00:13:37,014 --> 00:13:39,983
[Gasping]
253
00:13:40,083 --> 00:13:42,142
[Choking]
I'm here to protect you from him.
254
00:13:42,252 --> 00:13:44,311
Where is he?
255
00:13:46,423 --> 00:13:48,823
[Coughing]
256
00:13:48,925 --> 00:13:51,723
[Earl Narrating] After I got my voice back,
I told Joe about the R. V...
257
00:13:51,828 --> 00:13:54,888
and finding Jerry half dead
and what I'd been doing.
258
00:13:56,733 --> 00:14:00,328
You idiots.
Do you know what you've done?
259
00:14:00,437 --> 00:14:03,338
You brought a killing machine
back to life.
260
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,898
- [Groans]
- You okay?
261
00:14:07,010 --> 00:14:09,410
Heart pills!
Top pocket!
262
00:14:11,214 --> 00:14:14,843
Do you ever perchance think of gluing
a seashell to where your ear used to be...
263
00:14:14,951 --> 00:14:16,350
so it would look normal?
264
00:14:16,453 --> 00:14:19,513
And you'd always
get to hear the ocean.
265
00:14:19,623 --> 00:14:22,353
Yeah, that's-
That's my biggest problem right now.
266
00:14:22,459 --> 00:14:25,951
You guys don't seem to understand
what we're dealing with here.
267
00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:31,527
I saw Jerry kill three Koreans
with a single bullet.
268
00:14:32,602 --> 00:14:34,502
No gun.
269
00:14:34,604 --> 00:14:37,198
Just pressed the bullet
right into their skulls.
270
00:14:38,875 --> 00:14:40,900
I'm callin' the cops!
271
00:14:42,979 --> 00:14:45,573
- [Taps Switch]
- Damn.
272
00:14:45,682 --> 00:14:48,014
He cut the line.
273
00:14:48,118 --> 00:14:51,781
Well, he's not the only
crazy old man around here.
274
00:14:54,591 --> 00:14:57,526
- Oh, Mother!
- Blimey!
275
00:14:57,627 --> 00:15:00,960
H-H-Hey, J-J-Joe. Before we panic
and do something we might regret...
276
00:15:01,064 --> 00:15:02,964
at least let me talk toJerry.
277
00:15:03,066 --> 00:15:05,500
He seemed reasonable-
except for the throat punch.
278
00:15:05,602 --> 00:15:08,070
Oh. Okay. Let's see.
279
00:15:09,272 --> 00:15:11,172
Uh-
[Stammers]
280
00:15:13,844 --> 00:15:16,142
Hey, Jerry. I'm sorry
about what hap-
281
00:15:18,548 --> 00:15:21,847
Okay, boys, this is it.
282
00:15:21,952 --> 00:15:25,615
Cinch up your apple sacks.
We're goin' to war.
283
00:15:25,722 --> 00:15:29,214
[Earl Narrating] And I wasn't the only one
dealing with a scary thing in the front yard.
284
00:15:29,326 --> 00:15:33,023
Since the pig didn't die of natural causes,
the county wouldn't haul it away.
285
00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:36,258
I can't believe the county
won't remove dead pigs.
286
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:39,767
I can't believe nobody answered our ad
for 800 pounds of free pork.
287
00:15:39,870 --> 00:15:42,703
You know what- screw it.
288
00:15:42,806 --> 00:15:45,274
I'm goin' old school.
289
00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:49,778
Yech! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Darnell!
290
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,815
I'm in the pig!
I'm in the pig!
291
00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:58,116
Earl, this hat sucks now.
It's got a hole in it.
292
00:15:58,221 --> 00:16:01,315
- It looks like a hobo's hat.
- Randy, this really isn't the time.
293
00:16:01,424 --> 00:16:03,392
Joe, this is crazy.
294
00:16:03,493 --> 00:16:06,724
You don't have to kill each other over
something that happened 40 years ago.
295
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:10,027
Learn your history!
It was 55 years ago.
296
00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:12,226
Pin! Pin! Pin!
297
00:16:12,335 --> 00:16:15,896
Oh, nuts.
Man, I'm shaking like a geisha on sake.
298
00:16:16,006 --> 00:16:18,566
It must be the Parkinson's.
You better do it.
299
00:16:18,675 --> 00:16:21,269
Earl. Earl, we gotta go
back to that bus stop...
300
00:16:21,378 --> 00:16:23,369
and see if they got
another hat like this one.
301
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,380
Randy, I'm defusing a grenade.
302
00:16:25,482 --> 00:16:27,382
I can't wear this.
I'll look stupid.
303
00:16:27,484 --> 00:16:29,918
Randy, you're gonna look stupid anyway.
It's a stupid hat.
304
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:32,011
Just like all your
other hats are stupid...
305
00:16:32,122 --> 00:16:34,454
'cause when you wear a hat,
you act stupid.
306
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:37,254
- Even the newsie cap?
- Yes, the newsie cap!
307
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,351
[Cockney Accent]
"Eh, mister. Want a paper?"
308
00:16:39,462 --> 00:16:41,726
"I'll have a sandwich
with extra mayonnaise."
309
00:16:41,832 --> 00:16:43,732
[Normal Voice]
I hate all your hats.
310
00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:46,428
Will you guys shut up and put the-
Put the pin in!
311
00:16:48,438 --> 00:16:50,338
[Sighs]
312
00:16:52,442 --> 00:16:54,342
[Exhales]
313
00:16:54,444 --> 00:16:56,344
Man, I don't believe you two guys.
314
00:16:56,446 --> 00:16:58,573
Arguin' over a hat.
A damn hat!
315
00:16:58,682 --> 00:17:01,276
I'm gonna get killed
because there's a lunatic out there...
316
00:17:01,384 --> 00:17:04,080
who's mad as hell
because I left him in the field.
317
00:17:04,187 --> 00:17:06,621
L-
318
00:17:06,723 --> 00:17:08,918
I left him in the field.
319
00:17:09,025 --> 00:17:10,925
My best buddy.
320
00:17:11,027 --> 00:17:14,053
He needed my help, and-
and I left him.
321
00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:16,064
I left him.
322
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:19,101
[Earl Narrating] That was the first time
Joe ever said those words out loud...
323
00:17:19,202 --> 00:17:21,568
but been in his head
since the day it happened.
324
00:17:21,671 --> 00:17:24,265
- [Machine Gun Fire]
- He'd gone off to war hoping to be a hero...
325
00:17:24,374 --> 00:17:27,275
- but quickly found out he was just a scared kid.
- [Shell Incoming]
326
00:17:31,214 --> 00:17:34,377
Jerry felt thatJoe ran away
and never gave it a second thought.
327
00:17:34,484 --> 00:17:36,384
ButJerry was wrong.
328
00:17:36,486 --> 00:17:39,250
Joe thought about it
every day ofhis life.
329
00:17:39,356 --> 00:17:42,120
[Jerry's Voice]
Joe! Come back here, you coward!
330
00:17:42,225 --> 00:17:45,217
You're a coward!
331
00:17:45,328 --> 00:17:49,196
When I was given the choice
to save my life or save someone else's...
332
00:17:49,299 --> 00:17:51,494
I chose to save my own.
333
00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:53,831
MaybeJerry deserves
to take the other ear.
334
00:17:53,937 --> 00:17:58,499
Hell, I'd give it to him, too,
if I didn't remember it hurt so damn much.
335
00:17:58,608 --> 00:18:00,735
How much did it hurt?
336
00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:03,438
Oh, about as much
as getting your ear cut off.
337
00:18:03,546 --> 00:18:05,070
[No Audible Dialogue]
338
00:18:05,181 --> 00:18:07,342
- [Loud Thud]
- Oh, God! He's on the roof!
339
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:09,475
W-W-Wait!
Joe, wait!
340
00:18:09,586 --> 00:18:12,783
- [Gunfire]
- [Object Clattering]
341
00:18:18,428 --> 00:18:20,919
Maybe we should call an ambulance.
342
00:18:21,765 --> 00:18:24,097
Or that.
343
00:18:25,936 --> 00:18:27,927
Oh, my God!
You killed his wife.
344
00:18:28,038 --> 00:18:30,472
Now he's really gonna be pissed.
345
00:18:30,573 --> 00:18:33,269
Quick. Back in the house.
Come on!
346
00:18:37,547 --> 00:18:39,447
[Creaking]
347
00:18:39,549 --> 00:18:41,312
- Ear!
- [All Screaming]
348
00:18:41,418 --> 00:18:43,545
- Aha!
- [Joe Whimpering]
349
00:18:43,653 --> 00:18:46,121
Jerry may have had
the heart of a killer...
350
00:18:46,222 --> 00:18:48,486
but that heart was 75 years old.
351
00:18:48,591 --> 00:18:51,788
[Groaning, Gasping]
352
00:18:53,997 --> 00:18:56,625
I think he's having a heart attack.
Randy, go for help.
353
00:18:56,733 --> 00:18:59,361
- [Jerry, Gasping]Joe?
- Joe, I need your pills.
354
00:18:59,469 --> 00:19:02,302
- [Gasping]
- Both of you?
355
00:19:02,405 --> 00:19:05,966
This should be a lesson about trying
to kill people when you're over 60.
356
00:19:07,811 --> 00:19:10,575
I only got one pill left.
357
00:19:12,983 --> 00:19:16,248
- [Groaning]
- Wh-What are you doin'?
358
00:19:16,353 --> 00:19:19,015
What I should have done
50 years ago.
359
00:19:19,122 --> 00:19:20,817
[Groaning]
360
00:19:20,924 --> 00:19:23,051
Open your mouth, you old buzzard.
361
00:19:25,862 --> 00:19:29,161
"Never leave a man behind."
[Groans]
362
00:19:29,265 --> 00:19:32,200
[Siren Approaching]
363
00:19:32,302 --> 00:19:35,203
[Earl Narrating]
In the end, they both survived.
364
00:19:35,305 --> 00:19:38,399
It's okay.
You saved my life...
365
00:19:38,508 --> 00:19:40,499
so we're even.
366
00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:42,578
That's a load off my mind.
367
00:19:45,849 --> 00:19:48,147
While you can't reattach
a severed ear...
368
00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:50,685
it's never too late
to fix a severed friendship.
369
00:19:55,725 --> 00:19:57,886
Losing your temper
can be a good thing.
370
00:19:57,994 --> 00:20:01,225
Jerry and Joe had let their bad feelings
sit inside them for years...
371
00:20:01,331 --> 00:20:03,492
rot like a pig in a front yard.
372
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,568
And it took a fight
to work everything out.
373
00:20:05,668 --> 00:20:07,568
The same with me and Randy.
374
00:20:07,670 --> 00:20:10,195
Hey, Earl. Thanks for telling me
I acted different in hats.
375
00:20:10,306 --> 00:20:12,206
I won't do it again.
I promise.
376
00:20:12,308 --> 00:20:14,242
I'm just sorry I yelled at you.
377
00:20:14,344 --> 00:20:16,574
Oh, that's okay.
Brothers fight.
378
00:20:16,679 --> 00:20:18,579
Friends cut each other's ears off.
379
00:20:18,681 --> 00:20:20,581
It's a crazy world, Earl.
380
00:20:20,683 --> 00:20:22,583
Well, I guess this is good-bye.
381
00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:28,881
It can make anyone look good.
382
00:20:28,992 --> 00:20:31,324
[Earl Narrating]
I guess, every now and then, when you're stuck...
383
00:20:31,428 --> 00:20:34,488
best way to clear the air
is to have a big blowup.
384
00:20:34,597 --> 00:20:37,157
Fire in the hog!
385
00:20:39,369 --> 00:20:41,462
- [Crowd Cheering]
- [Man] Yeah!