1
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,469
Wakey, wakey,
two days till my birthday cakey.
2
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,546
Sleepy, sleepy,
please shut up-y.
3
00:00:13,646 --> 00:00:15,910
- Did you get me a present yet?
- Randy.
4
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,951
Randy. Yeah, I'm glad
you brought that up.
5
00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:22,385
Since I'm gonna be a little older
in a few days...
6
00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:25,049
I'd like you to start callin' me
by my proper name- Randolph.
7
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,821
- Your name's Randall.
- It is?
8
00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:30,896
Is that even a real name?
9
00:00:30,997 --> 00:00:35,229
I mean, Randolph's a name
I've actually heard before...
10
00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:38,065
like Randolph Hitler.
11
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:40,139
Randall sounds so weird.
12
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,732
I mean, Mom and Dad might as well
have named me Pork Chop-
13
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:45,811
Pork Chop Hickey.
14
00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:47,880
Hey, I kind of like that.
15
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,279
- Earl, will you-
- No, I will not.
16
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:53,910
I'll just make it
my birthday wish then.
17
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:56,818
Randy, you can't say your wish,
or it won't come true.
18
00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:59,357
Damn it!
19
00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:01,427
Next year.
20
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,759
Good mornin', Earl.
21
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:09,596
Good mornin', Randy.
22
00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:12,262
My name is Earl.
23
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:19,111
[Earl Narrating] I'd put a lot of thought
into Randy's birthday present this year...
24
00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:21,180
and even though
it was two days early...
25
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,681
it wasn't the kind of thing
I could hide in the closet.
26
00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:27,116
- Nice ride, Earl.
- Thanks.
27
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:29,916
- It's a birthday present for Randy.
- Wow.
28
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,684
This is nicer than your car.
29
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:35,352
I know he's your brother, but I'd like
to remind you that for my last birthday...
30
00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:37,930
you gave me a mug that said
"Happy bat mitzvah."
31
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,625
I thought it meant
"Happy birthday" in Spanish.
32
00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:42,894
Besides, it's not
just a birthday gift.
33
00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:44,970
I'm crossin' somethin' off the list.
34
00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:49,167
Number 213- never let Randy
have anything better than me.
35
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,766
[Earl Narrating] Our whole lives,
whenever me and Randy got stuff...
36
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:54,472
I always just took
the better thing for myself.
37
00:01:57,717 --> 00:02:02,177
Randy, you'd look so cool
in this thing.
38
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:05,189
- # You can't always trust a woman #
- Whether it was stuff we stole-
39
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,316
Men wear these?
40
00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:11,557
- # You can't always trust your best friend #
- Mm-hmm.
41
00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:16,067
- or girls.
- Sorry, I'm saving myself for marriage.
42
00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:18,296
I'm not.
43
00:02:18,404 --> 00:02:20,497
Uh, this one's mine.
44
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,700
Uhh-
45
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:26,176
So, uh, do you want
to talk about the Lord?
46
00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:28,179
All right.
47
00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:31,342
Even when we moved into the motel.
48
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:37,920
Bad news, Randy.
Your side's got a big bloodstain on it.
49
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:45,588
Randy deserves to finally get somethin' better
than me, and he's always loved Rancheros.
50
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:49,031
They're his favorite
kind of car- and eggs.
51
00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,103
## [Blues: Man Singing, Indistinct]
52
00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:57,543
- Hey, Randy-
- Not now.
53
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,214
I bet this was more fun
when they were alive.
54
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,943
It's not my fault.
The water heats up under the lights.
55
00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:08,418
The good news is you can eat the crab
right out of the prize slot.
56
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:13,015
I know it's two days early, but I got you
a birthday present- really cool one.
57
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:17,790
So, a parkin' space.
What made you think of that?
58
00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,127
Well, uh, I know how you're
always jealous of handicapped people...
59
00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,133
'cause they get their own spots.
60
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:24,465
I can't believe someone stole it.
61
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,665
[Earl Narrating] There was a reason I was
so surprised my car had been stolen.
62
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,436
In Camden County,
there were only two rules:
63
00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:33,603
Never snitch, and crooks
don't steal from other crooks.
64
00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:39,416
- Earl?
- [Groans]
65
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,783
Earl!
66
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,823
Creepy Rodney?
What the hell, man?
67
00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:47,722
I'm sorry, buddy.
I didn't know it was you.
68
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:50,318
- Man, I'm a jerk.
- No biggie.
69
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:53,126
When'd you start
workin' with the rock?
70
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,066
- What happened to your knife?
- Rocks are misdemeanors.
71
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,399
Good to know.
72
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,402
Come on, Joy.
73
00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,168
I just want to know who's been
stealin' cars around town.
74
00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:06,370
I'll tell you who's not stealin' cars-
that dipstick who carjacked me.
75
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:08,379
Found him sleepin' in the Brat.
76
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:11,473
Beat the snot out of him with that
Razor scooter I'd been ridin' around on.
77
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,645
Long story short, got the Brat back,
but the Razor scooter pulls to the left.
78
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:19,623
Look, I don't need to know who's not
rippin' off cars. I need to know who is.
79
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:22,490
Crap! Stole my bait.
Fish are too damned smart.
80
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:25,530
I'm gonna have to dumb 'em down.
81
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,595
Babe, you're underminin'
the spirit of the game.
82
00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:33,160
This ain't the Olympics, Darnell.
It's a freakin' buffet.
83
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:37,767
Look, Earl, you were smart to come to me.
I am excellent at solvin' mysteries.
84
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:43,008
Forty-five minutes into CSI, I always know
what happened. So give me a little more info.
85
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:47,212
- The car was just stolen from
the parking lot five minutes ago.
- Was it a stick shift?
86
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,347
- No, automatic.
- Hmm. On the column or on the floor?
87
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:55,393
- Column. Why?
- You're looking for Clyde Fowler
and his little buddy Bed Bug.
88
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:58,225
H-How can you possibly know that?
89
00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:01,892
Clyde and Bed Bug were in here this morning,
sayin' they were lookin' to steal a car.
90
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,060
Damn it, Darnell!
I was mind-freakin' him!
91
00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:08,099
[Earl Narrating]
I went way back with Clyde and Bed Bug.
92
00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:11,973
I knew 'em when they werejust Clyde
and Clyde's friend from out of town.
93
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:16,647
Earl Hickey.
Well, this is a blast from the past.
94
00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:19,217
Hey, how's that hot wife of yours?
95
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,755
Didn't she run off with some black dude,
but you didn't do nothin'...
96
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,085
because you found Jesus
or his grocery list or somethin'?
97
00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:27,659
I made a list of all the things
I've done wrong.
98
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,059
Was number one lettin' some black dude
steal your woman? [Laughing]
99
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,962
Yeah.
So, uh, anyway, fellas...
100
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:37,559
the reason I stopped by
is that Ranchero there.
101
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:41,003
- Ain't she a beauty?
- She sure is.
102
00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:43,701
Here's the thing.
The car is mine.
103
00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,037
- You're kiddin' me.
- Sorry.
104
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:50,513
I hate to bring you down off
what I'm sure was a real good stealin' high...
105
00:05:50,616 --> 00:05:55,644
but I should probably just, you know,
take the car and get goin'.
106
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:58,451
Well, now-now-now, look.
L- I hate to bring you down...
107
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:03,427
from what must be a real good
"I found my car" high, but- [Clears Throat]
108
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,463
You're not gettin'
that Ranchero back.
109
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:08,295
What are you talkin' about, Clyde?
It's me.
110
00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:12,201
- Guys like us have a rule.
- But you ain't guys like us no more.
111
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,968
You see, chief, nowadays
you fall more in the, uh...
112
00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:19,533
civilian/victim
column of the ledger.
113
00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:22,671
Look, I don't know what a ledger is,
but I've paid my dues.
114
00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:25,444
And I'll be damned if you two losers
are gonna keep my car!
115
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:29,647
- [Barks, Growls]
- Well, I don't think Dubya likes your tone, Earl.
116
00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:33,590
But we're reasonable people.
117
00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:35,752
You can have the car back.
118
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:38,763
- For $1,500.
- [Laughing]
119
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,924
Hell, no!
I'm not buyin' it back.
120
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:43,160
We're takin' this problem
to Mr. Wallace.
121
00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:45,071
[Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's
oldest, toughest and most respected criminal.
122
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,437
[Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's
oldest, toughest and most respected criminal.
123
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:51,169
So when two crooks had a beef,
they went to him.
124
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,768
He also worked part-time
as a crossing guard for the health insurance.
125
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,680
Hold it, boys, hold it.
I have a client.
126
00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:02,781
Okay, I've heard enough.
Earl, you are no longer one of us.
127
00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:05,756
You want the car back,
you'll have to pay.
128
00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:09,350
- Pay? That's bullcrap!
- Hey, watch your language there!
129
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:13,228
And if you ever come to me again
with a problem this small...
130
00:07:13,332 --> 00:07:15,300
I will shoot you in the face...
131
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:20,202
and splatter your brains all over
this crosswalk and everybody in it.
132
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,674
But not on you, sweetheart.
133
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:26,540
We wouldn't want to ruin
that pretty little dress. Hmm?
134
00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:31,675
[Earl Narrating]
As soon as I paid up and got the car back...
135
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:35,481
I went straight over to the Crab Shack
to give Randy his present A.S.A.P.
136
00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:40,321
I decided I wasn't gonna let those two dirtbags
ruin what was gonna be a great birthday.
137
00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:44,260
Randy deserved this car,
no matter what thejudge said about his driving.
138
00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:46,490
Didn't matter
how much it cost me.
139
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:50,160
The look on his face was gonna
make everything worth it.
140
00:07:50,269 --> 00:07:52,567
Hmm.
141
00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:56,836
- Uh, another parkin'space.
- Son of a bitch.
142
00:07:56,943 --> 00:08:01,971
It's one thing not to be treated like
a fellow criminal, but stealin' my car twice?
143
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,912
Now they're treatin' me like a punk.
144
00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:06,416
You are a punk,
sittin' here complainin' like a little bitch.
145
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,919
The old Earl would just get drunk,
go steal a city bus...
146
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:10,921
and drive it right
through their kitchen.
147
00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:14,481
Of course, if you were the old Earl, they wouldn't
have stolen your car in the first place.
148
00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:17,529
True dat.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
149
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:20,098
when first we practice
to make a stupid-ass list.
150
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,827
I hate to say it,
but if they're gonna treat me like a civilian...
151
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,869
I might have to act like one.
152
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:27,735
- [Bell Dinging]
- I might have to go to the police.
153
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,332
Earl, you can't snitch.
You know the order.
154
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,436
Regular people, fat people...
155
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,447
cops, Al-Qaeda...
156
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:38,449
stuff you squeeze out of a zit...
157
00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,451
and then snitches.
158
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:44,250
Well, then I don't know what to do.
But I gotta get Randy's car back.
159
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:50,693
When did you move fat people
above Al Qaeda and stuff inside a zit?
160
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:54,232
Saw this thing on Dateline
about thyroids.
161
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,528
Broke my heart.
162
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,865
[Earl Narrating]
I was so mixed up, I went walkin'for hours.
163
00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:02,805
Before I knew it,
I was near the police station.
164
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:05,377
But I still wasn't
prepared to go in.
165
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,810
I had to work out
all the pros and minuses.
166
00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:11,577
Joy might be right about the code,
but Clyde and Bed Bug said themselves...
167
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,584
I'm not one of'em anymore.
168
00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:15,745
But snitches
are the lowest of the low.
169
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:18,050
Do I want to be known as that?
No way.
170
00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:21,888
But why do I care what a bunch
of lowlifes think of me? I don't.
171
00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:25,760
Ah, I'm lyin'.
I do care.
172
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:29,767
But Randy deserves that car,
and I'm gonna make sure he gets it.
173
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:32,167
[Cooing]
174
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,671
Thank you.
175
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:41,077
[Earl Narrating] In the end, the most
important thing was gettin'Randy's car back.
176
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,478
So what choice did I have?
177
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,313
So you car's been stolen.
Man, that's the pits.
178
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,751
Well, sit down.
We'll fill out some forms.
179
00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:52,688
By the way, there's coffee and a Bundt cake
in the break room if you're an emotional eater.
180
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:55,352
Guilty as charged, Your Honor.
[Chuckles]
181
00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:59,192
Look, I was hopin' we could skip the forms,
and I'd just tell you who did this...
182
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:03,325
off the record, just between us,
and... you can go get my car.
183
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,461
You know who did it?
That's great.
184
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:09,598
Findin' out who did it is the part
of this job that I hate. Who was it?
185
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,512
Clyde Fowler and Bed Bug.
186
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,309
Wow, Earl.
I never pegged you for a snitch.
187
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,474
- I wasn't left with a lot of choices.
- [Hand Thuds]
188
00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:21,883
- Well, you know what snitches get.
- Their tongues cut out?
189
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,183
No. You get to pick a prize
from our goody drawer.
190
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:28,386
We got anything you could want in here.
We got candy, trinkets, novelties.
191
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:33,830
- How about my self-respect?
- Sure. We got comic books,
pizza coupons, marijuana.
192
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:36,197
That's not supposed to be in here.
193
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,100
[Earl Narrating] I walked around for a while
hatin'the fact that I snitched...
194
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,196
but what was done was done.
195
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:44,538
At least it was all over.
196
00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,350
Or maybe not.
197
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:04,093
I agree. It's probably got something
to do with you snitching.
198
00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:06,721
Ooh! Earl, there's a present
in the sink...
199
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,323
from either a very large dog
or a very small man.
200
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:11,403
Well, Clyde's got one of each.
201
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,472
How the hell'd they
find out about this?
202
00:11:13,572 --> 00:11:15,767
What are you lookin'at me for?
I'm a trained professional.
203
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:19,106
I would never compromise
the identity of a-
204
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:21,611
Check that. I did it.
205
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:26,845
Hey, Nichols, looks like the contest
for most arrests this month is over.
206
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:31,184
Earl Hickey just fingered Clyde Fowler
and Bed Bug for all those car thefts.
207
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:35,283
So it looks like I'm the one goin'
to sunny Tallahassee. [Chuckles]
208
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,955
- How do you spell "Hickey"?
- Uh, it's H-l-
209
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:41,533
I gotta see the letters in front of me.
Give it here.
210
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:47,302
- What did we do before texting?
You ever think about that?
- Hmm!
211
00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:50,341
Might as well just take you to Clyde's house
so you can bring him in...
212
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,276
since they know I'm talkin'
to the stupid cops now anyway.
213
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,610
Hey, watch the tone.
I remind you, I'm the only one here with a gun.
214
00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:01,377
Oh, crap.
Hope I left it in the cruiser.
215
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:05,157
Where's my car, dirtbags?
216
00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:09,819
Easy, Earl, easy.
I'm the one with the badge.
217
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:12,454
Oh, that too?
I swear, it's like there's little gremlins around.
218
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,897
- Would you just ask 'em about the damn car?
- Right.
219
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,969
Gentlemen, I'm gonna need you to tell me
where you're keepin' the stolen Ranchero.
220
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:22,632
Stolen Ranchero?
There's no stolen Ranchero here.
221
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,768
[Mexican Accent]
Rancheros? We don't need no stinkin' Rancheros.
222
00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:28,312
[Laughs, Clears Throat]
223
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,577
- [Police Radio Chatter]
- You gotta be kiddin'me. That's it?
224
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,745
What else can I do? The case has gone cold.
These guys are crafty.
225
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,688
Crafty?
The smartest guy in there was the dog.
226
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:41,191
They're idiots who happened to know
we were comin' ahead of time...
227
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:43,261
because you're
a horrible police officer.
228
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:46,763
I know when people look at me
all they see is the gun and the badge.
229
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:49,528
- You don't even-
- When I have them!
230
00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:53,731
But under this uniform is a human being
with feelings, okay?
231
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,637
- [Clyde, Bed Bug Laughing]
- [Earl Narrating]
Gettin'laughed at did two things.
232
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:58,869
It pissed me off and convinced me...
233
00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:02,539
I had to steal their lowrider
and trade it back for my Ranchero.
234
00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,548
Problem solved.
235
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:08,916
Would you mind lookin' at me?
We are in the middle of a conversation.
236
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:12,149
- Fine. Just like my sister.
- [Engine Starts]
237
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:16,091
[Earl Narrating] If I was gonna steal
Clyde's lowrider, I needed help.
238
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:19,892
Hey, Jasper, you know anyone
who's good at hot-wiring a car?
239
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,967
I mean, not someone too expensive...
240
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,399
but maybe a college kid
lookin' for their first break.
241
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:28,371
I have no idea what you're talkin' about.
I'm a legitimate businessman.
242
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,533
- [Coughs] Snitch.
- What?
243
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,907
- [Coughs] Snitch.
- Wait, wait. I don't know what-
244
00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:36,038
I'm sayin' "snitch,"
you stupid deaf tattletale!
245
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,982
Obviously, you talk a lot better than you hear.
[Coughs]
246
00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:43,384
Great. Now my throat really is scratchy.
Go to hell!
247
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,457
[Earl Narrating]
When my room got tossed...
248
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:49,494
I was hopin'only Clyde and Bed Bug
had found out about me talkin'to the cops.
249
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:53,554
But now thatJasper knew,
I was wonderin'who else did.
250
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,965
- Hey, Creepy Rodney.
- Snitch!
251
00:13:57,069 --> 00:13:59,594
Snitch! Snitch!
252
00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:01,605
Apparently everybody.
253
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,938
Heads up, Earl.
Mr. Wallace is over there.
254
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:08,741
He offered Big Damon $50
to puncture your kidney with a pool cue.
255
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:14,152
Maybe you should do your drinking
someplace else for a while.
256
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:17,051
P.J. Stackers out on the interstate is nice.
Duck!
257
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,619
No pun intended,
but that should be your cue.
258
00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:25,856
[Earl Narrating]
I should've known this would've happened.
259
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:30,265
- As soon as I helped out the other team,
I got kicked off my own.
- Hmm?
260
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:35,136
But even if everyone else turned on me,
I knew I could always count on Randy.
261
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:38,574
Good news, Randy.
We're goin' stealin'.
262
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:40,770
Oh, my God, the stealin' bag!
263
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,043
[Inhales Deeply]
And it still smells like crime.
264
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:47,949
That's right, Randy.
It's gonna be like the good old days.
265
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:50,988
I can't tell you everything,
'cause it's kind of a tricky job...
266
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:53,581
- but we're stealin' a lowrider.
- [TV: Cartoon Sound Effects]
267
00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:57,287
The first thing we have
to deal with is a big dog.
268
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,591
So I crushed up a bunch
of sleepin' pills...
269
00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:01,996
and put 'em in some
peanut butter crackers.
270
00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:06,504
What'd you say about peanut butter, sleepy?
[Snores]
271
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:10,842
Good night, Randy.
272
00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:12,843
[Snoring]
273
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:17,975
Since Randy ate the pills,
I had to come up with a new plan.
274
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:22,247
Fortunately, like Clyde and Bed Bug,
Dubya was a big drinker too.
275
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:24,288
[Snoring]
276
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,630
I hadn't kept up on all
the latest trade craft...
277
00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:35,825
but I figured hot-wirin'a car...
278
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,028
was like ridin'a bike
or shopliftin'.
279
00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:40,605
- It'd come back to me.
- [Grunts]
280
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:46,344
- [Horn Honking, Alarm Blaring]
- It didn't.
281
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,572
#Cisco Kid was a friend of mine #
282
00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:55,346
#Cisco Kid was a friend of mine #
283
00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,147
#He drink whiskey #
284
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:01,954
- # Pancho'd drink the wine ##
- [Grunts]
285
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,666
I just couldn't leave without takin'
somethin'I could trade back to Clyde.
286
00:16:07,766 --> 00:16:11,532
And once again,
I had to come up with a new plan.
287
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,537
[Siren Blaring]
288
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:17,268
[Hoyne] Pull the trash can to the side
of the road and put your hands in the air.
289
00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:20,868
Hey there, Officer Hoyne.
I was just takin' my garbage can out-
290
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,914
for a run.
291
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:26,644
Save it, Earl. I've been stakin' this place
out since you said I was such a bad cop.
292
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:30,916
Well, I'm not such a bad cop now, am I?
I said put your hands in the air!
293
00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:33,082
- [Snarling]
- Stay! Oh, my God!
294
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:40,257
Look, just give me some info on somebody else,
and you can go.
295
00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:42,266
Fine.
296
00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:48,070
[Whispers] I know a lazy cop who didn't
wash his hands when he used the bathroom.
297
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:51,336
That's very funny.
For your information, I didn't touch anything.
298
00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:54,378
Look, I'm not snitchin' again.
Why would I give you more information?
299
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,778
It seems like the only person
you ever arrest is me.
300
00:16:56,882 --> 00:17:01,581
Come on, Earl.
There's lots of fun stuff in the goody drawer.
301
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:06,090
We got little yo-yos. We got jelly beans.
Lip Smackers for the lady snitch.
302
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:09,558
And we got those little toys where you
push the button and the guy falls down.
303
00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:11,629
Remember these? Huh?
304
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:15,598
[Earl Narrating]
I did remember those. I remembered all of those.
305
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,295
People could've gotten
those prizes from anywhere...
306
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:21,965
- like a dentist's office or a clown's yard sale.
- # Under my thumb #
307
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:25,271
But at this point I'd lost everything
and was willing to roll the dice.
308
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,811
#The girl who once
had me down #
309
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:30,245
#Under my thumb #
310
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:35,446
#The girl who once
pushed me around #
311
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,920
- # It's down to me #
- Okay.
312
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,890
- I'm ready to talk.
- Great.
313
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:42,961
[Earl Narrating]
So I gave him some information...
314
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,155
about who was muggin'people
comin'out of the library.
315
00:17:45,264 --> 00:17:48,631
And if my hunch was right,
the rest of the work would be done for me.
316
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,294
- Hey, hey, hey, felony? No!
- ## [Continues, Indistinct]
317
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,394
- Rock is a misdemeanor.
- Sorry.
318
00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:55,496
Rock got upgraded
to a Class "A" weapon.
319
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:58,542
F. Y.I., a stick
is still a misdemeanor...
320
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:02,045
long as it's not too pointy and weighs less
than your run-of-the-mill rock.
321
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:06,208
Wait! I'll talk.
You know I always have good information.
322
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:08,286
Joy Turner shoplifts
from the Bargain Bag...
323
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:11,117
every time the security guard
does his afternoon dialysis.
324
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,191
[Earl Narrating]
Just like dominoes...
325
00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:15,487
as soon as one was pushed,
the rest started fallin'.
326
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:19,121
This is redonkulous. I was wearin' 10 pair
of panties when I walked into that store.
327
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:25,836
Uh, hold up. Jasper Murphy tried
to sell me a Chinese baby the other day.
328
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,634
Man, of course I know their names, man.
These are my children.
329
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:33,040
Uh, that one's Yao Ming, and-
and this one's, uh, General Tso...
330
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:36,205
- and-and this little guy's, uh, um, Hitachi.
- [Cooing]
331
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:40,643
Okay, okay. Clyde and Bed Bug
don'tjust steal cars.
332
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:43,550
[Earl Narrating] Turns out a chain
is only as strong as its weakest link...
333
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:47,955
and the chain of criminals in Camden County
were all weak links.
334
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:51,587
I found out when push came to shove,
everybody was a snitch.
335
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,790
But even better,
they found out that I knew.
336
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:56,026
Hey, Rodney.
337
00:18:56,135 --> 00:19:01,471
Turns out criminals snitchin'on criminals
was the oldest game in Camden.
338
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:04,303
- [Clears Throat] Snitch.
- Everybody played.
339
00:19:04,409 --> 00:19:07,344
[Earl]
New flavor of Lip Smackers, Joy?
340
00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:11,011
What, now you're a snitch and a spy?
341
00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,676
You oughta be ashamed.
342
00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:16,117
[Earl Narrating]
Even the hall-of-famers.
343
00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:21,324
Well, well.
Mr. Wallace.
344
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:24,156
I see you took the yo-yo
over the fake teeth.
345
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:28,529
Which is surprising,
since it seems like you've become very chatty.
346
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,534
Fine, you got me.
347
00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:35,039
I've been in the game 70 years,
and I'm not lettin' a punk like you take me down.
348
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:38,075
How about I give you the same deal
I gave Frankie Avalon?
349
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,340
I'll make you a star.
Ever want to make a record?
350
00:19:41,446 --> 00:19:44,279
I got somethin'else in mind.
351
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,510
[Earl Narrating]
Mr. Wallace still had a lot ofjuice...
352
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:50,110
- 'cause by the next morning
I had Randy's present back.
- Look what I got you.
353
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:55,225
I already had her.
Not great.
354
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:57,557
Not me, jerk.
The car.
355
00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:01,599
For me?
But this car is better than yours.
356
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,999
That's the point.
Happy birthday, Randy.
357
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,864
Or if it makes you uncomfortable,
we could trade.
358
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:18,443
- Thanks again, Earl.
- You're welcome, Pork Chop.