1
00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:06,671
[Groans]
Mornin', Earl.
2
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:08,673
Mornin', Randy.
3
00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:11,676
You know what team
I've always wanted to join?
4
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:13,678
The debate team.
5
00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:16,681
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.
6
00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:20,446
Well, no offense, but I don't think
you'd be very good at that.
7
00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:22,783
Yes, I would.
8
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:25,289
You know, Randy,
I think debatin' is more than just sayin'...
9
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:27,383
the opposite of what
the other person says.
10
00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:29,860
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
11
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,453
- No, it isn't.
- It is.
- Isn't.
12
00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:35,022
Randy, this is stupid.
I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
13
00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:43,409
I win.
14
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:46,070
My name is Earl.
15
00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:51,640
[Earl Narrating]
There were a few things on my list...
16
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:53,651
that I'd actually done to the Crab Shack.
17
00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:56,051
One of'em, people had gotten
used to working around.
18
00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:58,090
Beer comin'!
19
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:05,563
But it was still somethin'
I wanted to fix.
20
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:08,225
- I'm fixing the dent, Darnell.
- That's good to hear.
21
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:10,802
I tried to build a ramp over it
with disastrous results.
22
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,804
Why would you slide it to me?
23
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,396
Who slides wine?
24
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,067
[Earl Narrating] There was a reason
why I was fixing this today-
25
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:19,338
'cause it was the anniversary
of the day I dented it...
26
00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:22,279
which was also the anniversary
of the day I married Joy.
27
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:25,783
Joy's situation forced her
to be a new wife and mother all at once.
28
00:01:25,885 --> 00:01:31,187
Ow! Damn it, baby. You keep kicking my kidney,
and I'ma hold my breath again.
29
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,726
[Groans]
30
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:37,126
All right. You asked for it.
31
00:01:38,731 --> 00:01:41,495
- What's your name again?
- Joy.
32
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,535
- You got a baby in there?
- Yup.
33
00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:45,501
Is that my brother's baby?
34
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,573
It is now.
35
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,543
Mrs. Hickey?
36
00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:55,113
I believe you requested
I steal one of these.
37
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,479
Oh, Earl, you did it!
38
00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:01,020
I knew we were meant for each other
the first time I met you the other night.
39
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,488
- Where'd you get it?
- You walk into a bakery wearing a hairnet...
40
00:02:04,591 --> 00:02:06,957
you can walk out
with pretty much anything you want.
41
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,860
- Randy, I got you a bag of sprinkles.
- Shut up!
42
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,659
[Joy]
This thing's goin'in the freezer.
43
00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:15,734
They say if you eat it on the one-year
anniversary, you'll have good luck.
44
00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:18,861
Saw it on Oprah.
45
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,805
She don't know much about marriage,
but she sure knows somethin'about cake.
46
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:24,308
[Earl Narrating] That first year
didn't go the wayJoy had hoped...
47
00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:27,504
and a few days before our anniversary,
she hit rock bottom.
48
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:30,811
- Our belly button fuzz balls
are about the same size.
- [Baby Crying]
49
00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:33,044
How do we pick a winner?
50
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,316
That's it. I can't wait till Wednesday
to eat that cake.
51
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,549
I need my luck now.
52
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:42,025
Is that skin or a piece
of Frosted Flake in yours?
53
00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:46,831
Skin.
54
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:50,232
What the hell? Somebody switched my cake
with a pile of dog turds.
55
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,531
Either one of you
know anything about this?
56
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:57,008
Actually, they're cat turds.
But I don't know anything about it.
57
00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,011
[Earl Narrating] A couple days
after I stole that cake...
58
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,946
me and Randy had a drinkin'contest
at the Crab Shack.
59
00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:07,110
I never made it home,
but unfortunately forJoy Randy did.
60
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,814
# Here comes the stomach
all dressed in stomach #
61
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,187
[Joy] Don't think I don't hear you
out there, Sasquatch!
62
00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:14,487
You better not be
gettin'into my food in the fridge!
63
00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:19,793
- Yeah, I hate you too, you bitchy old screech owl.
- [Cat Meows]
64
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:23,096
[Earl Narrating] Randy knew he couldn't
just put empty foil back in the freezer...
65
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:26,969
and that's when he realized he could
have the best ofboth worlds-
66
00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:29,439
- eatJoy's cake and feed her poo.
- [Meows]
67
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:32,943
- [Both Laughing]
- You think this is funny?
68
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,412
Why are you gettin' so mad
over a little thing like this?
69
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:38,143
So my brother replaced
our wedding cake with cat poo.
70
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:40,151
I'm sure it happens
in a lot of marriages.
71
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:42,778
It's not a "little" thing.
That cake was a symbol.
72
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,153
- Of what?
- I don't know!
73
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:47,783
Somethin'- like,
that you cared about me.
74
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:51,421
And then dummy ruins it
and you just sit there and laugh.
75
00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,396
That means somethin' too.
76
00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,297
[Plate Clatters]
77
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,200
- I'm really sorry I madeJoy mad at you, Earl.
- [Door Slams]
78
00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:01,899
If you need a place to sleep tonight,
my couch is your couch.
79
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:04,101
Your couch is my couch,
Randy.
80
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:06,576
So we agree.
81
00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:10,680
[Earl Narrating]
Randy felt guilty for days...
82
00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:15,117
so on our actual anniversary,
he did somethin'to put an end to it.
83
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:18,556
"Dear Earl and Joy...
84
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,558
"I'm sorry for eatin' your cake...
85
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:24,152
"so I'm gonna kill myself
at the Crab Shack at 3:00.
86
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,722
"I'll probably shoot myself in the face.
87
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,667
Stay cool.
Love, Randy."
88
00:04:31,904 --> 00:04:33,804
[Crowd]
Surprise!
89
00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,966
- Happy anniversary!
- Oh, my God.
90
00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,601
Oh, my God, Randy.
Did you do all this?
91
00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:42,408
Are you kiddin' me?
Earl's been plannin' this for weeks.
92
00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:46,474
Why do you think he's been such a jerk lately?
He was just setting you up for this.
93
00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:48,850
You did this?
94
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,855
Yeah!
95
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:53,016
I did this.
Me.
96
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,289
Thanks, Earl.
I really needed a lift right now.
97
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:59,991
Thought I might get it by Randy killin' himself,
but this is even better.
98
00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:06,898
Thanks, Randy.
You made life better for both of us.
99
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:09,531
You're welcome, Earl.
I felt bad.
100
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,304
When this marriage ends,
I want it to be...
101
00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:15,176
because you and Joy hate each other,
not because of me.
102
00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:18,079
- Hey, Joy.
- [Jukebox] #What's your name #
103
00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:22,052
Well, it's been fun chattin'. You wanna get outta
here and go have sex? 'Cause I do, real bad.
104
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,488
No, Donny. Quit starin' at me
with your crazy eyes.
105
00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:28,992
I'll put a bag over my head
like you made me do last time we banged.
106
00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:30,892
Look, the only reason
you got lucky that night...
107
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,897
was 'cause I had cramps
and sometimes that helps.
108
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:38,596
And no hard feelings, but when you're naked
you look like you got kneecaps everywhere.
109
00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,106
Hello, Joy.
110
00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:45,769
Oh, my God!
[Laughs] Mr. Stevens!
111
00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:48,278
I haven't seen you
since Missy's wedding.
112
00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:51,373
- What's that, like, five years ago?
- Seven.
113
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:54,351
And aside from my daughter,
you were the most beautiful girl there.
114
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:57,287
Oh, you are so sweet!
115
00:05:57,390 --> 00:06:00,587
You didn't tell anybody that we, uh,
slept together that night, did you?
116
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,923
Hell, no.
I wasn't in a rush to tell my friends...
117
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,259
about humpin' someone's
red-faced, bald-headed, out-of-bread dad...
118
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,265
in the back of a catering truck.
119
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,460
- # Shootin'you straight
Little girl #
- Thanks.
120
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,764
- I'll tell Missy you said hi.
- # For there ain't no shame #
121
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,066
Lookin' good, Joy.
122
00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,232
- # What's your name #
- Pickup's out back.
123
00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:18,037
- # Little girl
What's your name #
- Mmm!
124
00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:20,544
- Long time, sweet cheeks.
- Ain't that nice!
125
00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:22,546
- Hey, babe.
- # Shootin'you straight #
126
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:26,778
Earl, who-who exactly
did you invite to this party?
127
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:30,413
Uh- R-R-Randy was more in charge
of the guest list.
128
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,286
Who'd we invite?
129
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,953
People me and you know,
plus all ofJoy's friends.
130
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,962
You know,
from her address book.
131
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,191
"Guys I've phoned."
132
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,994
Randy, it says
"Guys I've boned."
133
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:47,004
That's a "B"?
I thought it was an "F."
134
00:06:47,106 --> 00:06:49,336
- How could you let this happen?
- I didn't let this happen.
135
00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:51,433
I didn't have anything to do
with this stupid party.
136
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:55,911
No, wait. Yes, I did.
L-I did everything.
137
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:59,178
No, l-l-I did nothin'.
What are you more mad about?
138
00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:01,685
You didn't throw this party.
Dummy did.
139
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:05,121
I know, I know. I'm a terrible husband
who never blah, blah, blah!
140
00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:07,124
But you're no prize either.
141
00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:10,354
What kind of wife keeps an address book
full of guys she banged?
142
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:13,091
The kind of wife that wants to keep
her options open for the future.
143
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,861
What? You think you're gonna find
someone better than me?
144
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:19,199
Go for it, baby,
but keep in mind this is Camden.
145
00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:22,763
I own my own car,
I almost graduated high school...
146
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:25,708
and I have a huge collection
of cassette tapes.
147
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:28,110
So good luck to you.
148
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:30,205
- ## [Ends]
- [Grunts]
149
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,348
[Earl Narrating]
Back then Mr. Turtle was still young...
150
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,353
and needed to take walks.
151
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,356
And since Darnell hadn't metJoy yet,
he had plenty of free time.
152
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,552
- [Buzzing]
- But that day, thanks to some hateful bees...
153
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:44,562
their leisurely walk
turned into a run for cover.
154
00:07:44,664 --> 00:07:46,564
[Buzzing Continues]
155
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:51,467
And Darnell wasn't the only new Camdenite
that the bees decided to pester.
156
00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:54,972
- Quick! In here!
- [Whimpering]
157
00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:03,704
I just got to this country, and already
I'm invited into someone's house.
158
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,785
You must be rich.
You have a phone.
159
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:16,525
Hey, Earl. This is Phil.
He does mortgages down at the bank.
160
00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,529
You know,
30-year balloon loans.
161
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:22,567
Has a gold pinkie ring,
white shoes, brand-name socks.
162
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,159
Oh, I know Phil.
We went to high school together.
163
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:27,239
How's it going, buddy?
164
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,102
- [Both Laughing]
- Oh, God!
165
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:34,179
How did I not notice that
when we slept together?
166
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,580
No wonder
he didn't want to cuddle.
167
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,447
All the ladies in the house
say "Ho!"
168
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,453
[Women, Joy]
Ho!
169
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:45,080
[Earl Narrating] And that's right about
when the fun ended for me.
170
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:48,991
Blake was my cousin,
and I'd hated him since we were kids.
171
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:53,327
It all started when our moms took us
to audition for a local backpack catalog.
172
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:58,563
- # Yeah, on the catwalk #
- I knew I could make
the Little Explorer look good...
173
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,572
but I just couldn't
keep my eyes open.
174
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:07,107
#I'm too sexy for my shirt #
175
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,444
From that day on
I've never measured up to Cousin Blake.
176
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:14,179
Cousin Blake?
177
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:16,482
[Giggles]
That's right, Earl.
178
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:18,489
Blake's here 'cause he's in my book.
179
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,491
[Earl Narrating]
For a while there...
180
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:24,188
I didn't think Joy could do better than me,
and now I knew she could.
181
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:28,393
- You wanna know what she wrote
next to his name?
- Absolutely not.
182
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,628
"Gimungo."
183
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:34,137
Hey, Earl.
You look a little surprised to see me.
184
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,175
You must have just found out
I boned your wife.
185
00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:39,176
It's a look I get a lot.
186
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,075
So, Earl-
187
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:44,980
- Still a loser and a thief, I'll assume.
- Yup.
188
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,110
Mmm. And I'm still
rockin' the model thing.
189
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,123
[Earl Narrating] Blake was better than me
at everything, so I had to do something fast.
190
00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:01,427
Back then my motto was,
"When in doubt, set something on fire."
191
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:06,803
Oh, my God! Fire!
Run for your lives!
192
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:09,272
The whole place
is going up!
193
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:12,276
[Earl Narrating]
Nothing can keep people in a bar when it's on fire.
194
00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:16,610
- Killer bees! Killer bees! Don't go out there!
- Except killer bees.
195
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,844
Don't worry, Joy.
I'll protect you.
196
00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:28,360
[Screaming]
197
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,733
[Earl Narrating] So, while killer bees
were invading Camden...
198
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:40,203
I was stuck inside having to watch my wife
canoodle with my cousin...
199
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,297
and his backpack that was
worth more than my car.
200
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:45,502
Nobody worry.
I come prepared, like a Boy Scout.
201
00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:51,072
A Boy Scout that's a handsome, professional
backpack model with his own condo.
202
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:55,085
You worry about everyone else.
I'll take care of my wife.
203
00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:58,645
Oh, all of a sudden
you care about me.
204
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,658
Looks like you're jealous.
205
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,421
Nah, I'm not jealous.
206
00:11:02,528 --> 00:11:05,429
I'm just doing what a husband does-
protecting his family.
207
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:08,728
So, what you gonna
protect me with?
208
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:15,703
I got a piece of gum
and a corn dog stick.
209
00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:18,868
Why the hell are you
carryin'around a corn dog stick?
210
00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:20,878
'Cause there's still
a little corn dog on it.
211
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,210
Sometimes, if you wait,
it loosens up.
212
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:29,219
It's not ready.
213
00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:31,755
I've been workin' at Club Chubby
for a couple of weeks now...
214
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,848
so I'm trying to figure out
my signature move.
215
00:11:33,959 --> 00:11:35,859
Cinnamon slaps her ass
with a ruler.
216
00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:38,293
Chantal lets people
put gum in her hair.
217
00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:41,298
I just need something
to help me stand out.
218
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,265
Have you ever thought
of jumping?
219
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,073
That'll work.
220
00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,473
[Screaming]
221
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:57,544
Hey. Bees just swarmed
me and my john.
222
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,778
I didn't have time to untie him
from the tree. I hope he's okay.
223
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,912
If they're swarming people,
it means these bees are Africanized.
224
00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:06,423
Those brothers
mean business.
225
00:12:06,525 --> 00:12:09,358
I don't know who you are,
but you better not be hookin'...
226
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,362
because you are
much prettier than me...
227
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,659
and I got a teenage son
to put through hairdressing school.
228
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:15,666
- [Woman] 911 operator.
What's your emergency?
- Yeah!
229
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:17,668
We're inside a phone booth,
trapped by killer bees!
230
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:19,738
Hey, if that's Clarence,
ask him how his mommy is.
231
00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:23,172
I call emergency about nine times a day.
Comes with the job.
232
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,743
They got me on hold.
There's a lot of callers.
233
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:27,779
- [Screaming]
- Oh! Oh!
234
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,646
Good! Larry got
his ropes untied.
235
00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:34,409
I got nothin' on this guy, Randy.
236
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:40,220
He's beaten me again, just like he did
with modelin' and stayin' cavity-free.
237
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,453
I'm sorry about all this, Earl.
238
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:46,258
I didn't even get a chance to show
the anniversary video I made for you guys.
239
00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:51,632
Y-You made a video about me and Joy,
about our love and crap like that?
240
00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:55,969
Yeah. I hid the camera
around the trailer for a while.
241
00:12:56,075 --> 00:13:00,842
I got the idea off that show where the guy
catches perverts in his kitchen every week.
242
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,846
He should really move.
243
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:08,045
Anyway, I took the tape to that lady that makes
wedding videos and breeds Taco Bell puppies.
244
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:11,021
Randy, that's perfect.
Put it on.
245
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,656
Excuse me, everyone!
246
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,888
I made a little video
I think some of you would like to see.
247
00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:23,367
It's called Earl and Joy-
High Dot, Low Dot-A Love Story.
248
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,199
Honey, this is for you.
[Kisses]
249
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:29,672
Blake, one of these fingers
is for you.
250
00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:32,801
## [Pop Ballad On Television]
251
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:45,856
[Man]
#You know our love was meant to be #
252
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:52,190
#The kind of love
to last forever #
253
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:54,664
- [Grunting]
- [Farts]
254
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,395
#And I want you
here with me #
255
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,869
[Coughing]
256
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:02,805
- Oh, my God! [Groans]
- What happened?
257
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:06,344
#To the end of time #
258
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:09,573
#You should know #
259
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,947
# Everywhere I go #
260
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:15,282
#Always on my mind #
261
00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:18,515
# In my heart
In my soul #
262
00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:22,560
# Baby, you're the meaning in my life #
263
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,561
- [Twittering]
- Just 'cause you leave me a note...
264
00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:26,858
sayin' I gotta do somethin'
with the bird in the freezer...
265
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:29,526
doesn't mean I gotta drop everything
that's important to me and do it.
266
00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:32,604
- Yeah.
- Is my name "Note Reader"?
267
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:36,141
Is my name
"Bird Defroster"? No.
268
00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:38,574
My na-
269
00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:43,907
That was, uh,
clearly the blooper reel.
270
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:47,975
Hey, Cousin, it looks like you're gonna
need a place to crash for a while.
271
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,749
You can stay at my pad.
I won't be there...
272
00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,756
'cause even though
we're four months from Christmas...
273
00:14:52,858 --> 00:14:56,157
it looks like
I'm gonna be busy spreadin'Joy.
274
00:14:57,196 --> 00:14:59,323
Son of a bitch!
275
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:01,262
[Onlookers Shouting]
276
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:04,928
Wait. You're from La Paz,
near the river of blood?
277
00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,130
I did my Peace Corps year
down there.
278
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,799
Oh, small world.
279
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,809
Small world!
280
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,106
- [Banging]
- Let me in!
281
00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:16,272
Those bees aren't too particular
who you are!
282
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:18,976
[All Whimpering]
283
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,951
Thank you.
Oh, those bees are such bitches!
284
00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:25,888
You laugh, but that statement is factual.
Most of the colony are actually female.
285
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:29,620
There are only a few males,
and their only job is to have sex with the queen.
286
00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:32,458
Ick!
Worst job ever.
287
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:35,032
If we're the only four survivors
left on the planet...
288
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:38,103
I call the black guy.
289
00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:41,832
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
290
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,501
Cut it out!
Gonna break the bar.
291
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,170
[Whimpers]
That's right.
292
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:50,112
You might know "fujitsu"...
293
00:15:50,215 --> 00:15:52,115
but my head
can break things.
294
00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:55,653
What do you think of that,
Mr. "I'm Better Than Earl at Everything"?
295
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:59,616
Uh, I bet you can't do this.
296
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:02,956
[Screams]
Son of a bitch!
297
00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:07,294
Oh, God. Blake, go get me some cigarettes
from the vendin'machine.
298
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:09,299
Yeah, sure.
299
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:13,565
I'll just be over there
at the vending machine.
300
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:17,369
Oh, yeah?
And I'll be waitin' right here.
301
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,944
- [Farts]
- 'Scuse me.
302
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:27,176
Earl, this isn't
right.
303
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:30,312
Isn't this what you wanted,
for me to get jealous?
304
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:32,322
But the person you're jealous of
is your cousin.
305
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:35,860
It ain't got nothin' to do with me, or else
you'd be jealous of all these other guys too.
306
00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:38,259
Well, look. I don't know
what you want from me.
307
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:42,767
Look, I'm not tryin'
to criticize you.
308
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:46,770
But jealousy, throwing me a party,
making me a nice video-
309
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:49,773
Those are all ways
to show you care...
310
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:52,036
and you don't do
stuff like that.
311
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:56,672
Well, I pretended to do all those things.
Doesn't that count for somethin'?
312
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,807
Who are we kiddin'?
313
00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:02,080
You saw the video.
This isn't a marriage.
314
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:05,714
What did I expect?
I mean, I tricked you into marrying me.
315
00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:09,658
You didn't care about me when you agreed
to that, and I don't think you ever will.
316
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,629
I wouldn't.
317
00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:15,632
I'm sorry, Earl.
318
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:18,703
I think it's time
we just end it.
319
00:17:22,474 --> 00:17:25,375
[Earl Narrating] In a whole year,
I had never stopped to think...
320
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:28,378
about whether or not
I cared about my wife.
321
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,813
In those days I never really
stopped to care about anything.
322
00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:34,351
While I was facing
the end of my marriage...
323
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,853
everyone else was facing
the end of their lives.
324
00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:39,856
- They're gonna get in!
- I can't believe I'm gonna die today.
325
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:43,519
I have four outstanding books from the library.
What if that's all it says in the paper?
326
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:46,564
I can't believe
I'm gonna die a virgin.
327
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,260
I was saving myself
for marriage.
328
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,271
I hope you're impressed!
329
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,398
And that you exist!
330
00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:59,909
I can't believe I'm gonna die
without givin' it up for free.
331
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,344
Just once I shoulda done that.
332
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:04,780
I've always wanted
to try a threesome.
333
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:10,445
I've never kissed a man,
and I want to.
334
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,892
Bad.
335
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:19,829
What kind of man doesn't know
if he cares about his wife?
336
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,832
A man in a coma.
337
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,334
Or a man who got married
over the Internet...
338
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:27,837
and he hasn't met his wife yet
'cause she's being shipped here on a boat.
339
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,602
The only person I've ever
really cared about is you...
340
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:33,610
and you're my brother-
I don't have a choice.
341
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,873
What if I'm just a lazy jerk
who's gonna go through...
342
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:38,347
the rest of his life
never caring about anybody else?
343
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,816
[Buzzing]
344
00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:42,819
Bee!
345
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,890
[Slowed Down Audio]
346
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:56,861
[Earl Narrating] Before my list,
when I didn't have time to think...
347
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,699
it always ended with me
doing the wrong thing...
348
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:02,205
like stealing or peeing in public.
349
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,741
But not on that day.
350
00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:06,811
Not in that moment.
351
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,598
- You okay?
- Yeah.
352
00:19:30,035 --> 00:19:34,563
I can't say that moment turned me
into a perfect husband...
353
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:38,769
or thatJoy didn't have to drive
my drunk ass home later that night...
354
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:42,278
but that was the day I knew
I could care about someone else.
355
00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:45,612
I did care about someone else,
and she knew it too.
356
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:50,446
#You said we'd try #
357
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:54,083
#Lovin; touchin'#
358
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,856
#Squeezin'each other#
359
00:19:57,963 --> 00:19:59,954
[Earl Narrating]
I guess you learn what you're capable of...
360
00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:01,965
when you stare death in the face.
361
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:06,197
It's all okay. They are gone.
Bees are on their way to Texas.
362
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,241
This never happened.
363
00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:13,243
#Oh, what can I say #
364
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:16,371
#Now it's your turn, girl, to cry #
365
00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:18,381
[Earl Narrating]
And when you have history with people...
366
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:21,043
you'll always remember
those meaningful days.
367
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:24,452
## [Man Vocalizing]
368
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,594
Think it's ready, Darnell.
369
00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:32,664
- Give it a shot.
- Beer comin'!
370
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,234
[Mug Shatters]
371
00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:40,999
Oh, I'm sorry, Darnell. I just got so excited,
I forgot I was supposed to catch it.
372
00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:47,670
Happy anniversary.
373
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,906
That was $2.00 and tax.
374
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:54,577
You don't have to pay me back.
I just wanted you to know.
375
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:57,018
You're welcome.
376
00:20:57,122 --> 00:21:00,091
## [Continues]
377
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,161
I know this sounds crazy...
378
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,790
but of all your wives,
I thinkJoy was my favorite.
379
00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:09,867
Mine too.