1
00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:03,527
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:07,037
[Earl Narrating]Joy and Darnell were out
of Witness Protection and back in Camden...
3
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:10,871
which meant me and Randy had a few things
to fix from our time livin'in their trailer.
4
00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:14,606
I ain't never seen anything like this before!
It's everywhere.
5
00:00:14,714 --> 00:00:18,673
It's not my fault the cops chased that guy
in here or that he fought back.
6
00:00:18,785 --> 00:00:20,650
Just scrub that guy off my wall, dummy.
7
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,814
Then go outside and pull down
all that crime scene tape.
8
00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:25,823
[Earl Narrating]
After years in hiding...
9
00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:29,452
Darnell was excited to surface again
using his real name, Harry Monroe.
10
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:32,258
It's nice to finally
get on the Internet again as Harry.
11
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,526
Man, have I got a lot of e-mails to return.
12
00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:37,102
Don't get any ideas
about going by Harry again.
13
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:39,671
Took me a long time to remember
to say "Darnell" during sex...
14
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,741
and I'm not startin' from scratch.
15
00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:45,868
Mommy, I finished unpacking all your clothes
and picked the bugs off of the flypaper.
16
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,708
Will space camp take me now?
17
00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,941
[Hisses, Sighs]
18
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,348
Unfortunately, they just called, baby...
19
00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:56,946
and said that future astronauts
also have to wash Mama's dishes.
20
00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:04,620
Hey, Dodge. Are you going
to Chaz Dalton's Space Academy?
21
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:08,064
Me and Randy went when we were kids.
It's the awesomest camp of all time.
22
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,136
You know, Chaz Dalton went to outer space.
23
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,931
Plus, he walked on the moon.
24
00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:15,474
And he was the first person
to sneeze in space and survive.
25
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,941
Earl, why are you so gay for space?
26
00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:19,875
[High-pitched Voice]
I'm not gay for space.
27
00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:22,709
Yeah, he's gay for the men who went to space.
There's a difference.
28
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:24,909
[Normal Voice]
I'm not gay for astronauts.
29
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:29,478
But if you had to be gay, you'd pick astronauts,
and of all them, you'd pick Chaz.
30
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,557
[Earl Narrating]
Well, Randy had me there.
31
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,752
Chaz was a true hero, and he was on my list.
32
00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:37,887
The week I spent at the Space Academy
was the greatest week of my life.
33
00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:39,658
- Hey!
- Hey!
34
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:43,099
At first I thought it was gonna suck like
everything else my parents made me do.
35
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:46,229
But that all changed when I met Chaz Dalton.
36
00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,085
Good morning, cadets.
37
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:05,021
I'm Chaz Dalton,
and I've been to outer space.
38
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,093
- Wow!
- That's awesome!
39
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,264
This is the actual suit
that I wore on my mission.
40
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:14,265
[Earl Narrating]
Camp was the first time...
41
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:17,666
I'd ever been interested in learning
about anything, and I was a good cadet-
42
00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:20,671
You better pay attention,
or I'll open your throat like a juice box!
43
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,741
In my own way.
44
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,679
But I wanted to do more
than just learn from Chaz Dalton.
45
00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:31,579
I wanted to be Chaz Dalton.
46
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,988
For once in my life,
I stole somethin'for a positive reason.
47
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:40,616
And I even planned on bringin'it back.
48
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,933
I felt like a real astronaut.
49
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:51,470
I was even weightless-
at least between jumps.
50
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,309
I stayed up all night
livin'my astronaut dream...
51
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,810
and by mornin'that space suit
was pretty dirty.
52
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:04,612
So I decided to wash it and return it to
the Space Academy as clean as I'd stolen it.
53
00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:06,981
Apparently,
space suits are a match for space...
54
00:03:07,086 --> 00:03:11,955
but no match for a large,
energy-inefficient '70s-era dryer.
55
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:14,083
I felt so bad about ruinin'it...
56
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,856
I never went back to finish camp.
57
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,625
Me and Randy hadn't been back
to Space Academy since...
58
00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:23,828
and as soon as I walked in,
I felt like a kid again.
59
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,235
Everybody be aware of where they are.
60
00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:29,706
You have to admit, he wears 20 years well.
61
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,203
Man, I've never been this nervous
about a list item before.
62
00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:36,748
Do-Do you think American space heroes
like chocolates?
63
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:39,545
- It's not too late to go buy doughnuts.
- You know what?
64
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:42,519
If you go back and forth
on this one more time, I'm punching you.
65
00:03:42,622 --> 00:03:47,582
Great work today, cadets. America'd
be proud of you fine men and women.
66
00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:50,322
Now it's time for a potty break.
67
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:53,126
Even if you don't have to go, try.
68
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,202
[Chattering]
69
00:03:58,004 --> 00:04:00,973
- Don't embarrass me.
- Don't embarrass me!
70
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,446
E-E-Excuse me...
71
00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,812
Mr. Astronaut, sir.
72
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,477
Uh, I was wondering
if I could talk to you about something...
73
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,747
that happened here when I was a little boy.
74
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:18,756
I've never had children in the office
unless the door was open. Permanent policy.
75
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:22,760
No, no. Wait, wait.
We used to go to camp here, and-
76
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,797
I stole your space suit.
77
00:04:25,898 --> 00:04:28,423
[Earl Narrating]
I told Chaz all about the list...
78
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,434
and how I turned my life around...
79
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:33,061
and about how sorry I was for what I'd done.
80
00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:36,437
Anyway, I feel awful about what I did.
81
00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:40,171
You're the only American hero
I've ever shaken hands with...
82
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,407
other than Ted Nugent.
83
00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:44,949
But of all the bad things I've ever done-
84
00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:47,246
I'm not gonna cry.
85
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:50,982
I'm just really sorry
for what I did to your suit...
86
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,149
and to you-
87
00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:56,126
- I'm gonna cry.
- You don't have to make it up to me, Earl.
88
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,756
I forgive you.
It's enough that you finally told the truth.
89
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:02,835
Oh, my God.
90
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:05,870
You're still teaching me lessons.
91
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,941
Kids like you are the reason
why I do this.
92
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,010
You know what fuels the space shuttle?
93
00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:13,601
- Dreams.
- Dreams.
94
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,313
I'm gonna get you that space suit.
95
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:28,155
Earl! I just found out
there's a planet called- [Laughing]
96
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,161
Ura-
97
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:33,792
Ura- Ura-
98
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,527
[Laughing Continues]
99
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,331
Wait. I forgot. I'll be right back.
100
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:44,737
You been on that computer a lot.
101
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,812
Nobody likes a black nerd, Darnell.
102
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,643
You know that's why I won't let
EarlJunior get those prescription glasses.
103
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:52,980
Baby, I'm just on BuddyBook. It's a social
networking site that connects you with friends.
104
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,522
It's like what MySpace and Facebook
used to be before all the old people ruined it.
105
00:05:56,622 --> 00:06:00,251
- [Computer Chirping]
- Hear that? It means I got another friend request.
106
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,524
- I'm up to 320.
- 320 friends?
107
00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,928
Are you tryin' to
get on the prom court or somethin'?
108
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,934
I mean, why would you need that many friends?
Everybody knows you only need two.
109
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,335
Poor friend to make you feel rich
and a fat friend to make you feel skinny.
110
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:16,602
If you're lucky like me,
you get both in one, like Eugenia.
111
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:20,176
Who's this old bag hangin' on you?
112
00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,009
- That's Margaret Thatcher.
- Mmm.
113
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:26,176
Well, at least I know
you're not bangin' her.
114
00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:28,753
Not anymore.
115
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:30,982
[Earl Narrating]
To find a new space suit for Chaz...
116
00:06:31,090 --> 00:06:33,524
me and Randy went to
the nearest NASA field office.
117
00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:35,992
And lucky for us, they validated parking.
118
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:38,791
I asked, and it seems like
we don't sell space suits.
119
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,729
But I'm going to call another office.
120
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,529
Cape Kennedy is a little more loosey-goosey.
121
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,900
You can wait over there
by the wall of astronauts.
122
00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:48,701
Do you have aliens here?
123
00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:51,709
If you'll wait over there. Thanks.
124
00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:56,280
They definitely keep the aliens here,
don't you think?
125
00:06:56,382 --> 00:06:59,112
Maybe. It was a big issue
in the election a few months ago.
126
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,186
Catalina wouldn't shut up about it.
127
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:06,088
Don't tell her I said this, but I don't think
they should have the same rights as us.
128
00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,752
Hey, look. It's Chaz.
129
00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:11,727
[Earl Narrating]
It was the right name...
130
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:13,662
but that picture wasn't the Chaz I knew.
131
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:16,428
No, it's not.
132
00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:18,800
Son of a bitch!
133
00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,904
Earl, that's not the dude from Camden.
134
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:29,982
I know. I can't believe this guy,
pretending to be a hero...
135
00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:32,448
gettin' kids all excited about space camp.
136
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:35,077
For God's sakes,
Dodge's middle name is "Chaz."
137
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,088
You know what we gotta do, Randy?
138
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,283
We gotta find the real Chaz
and get some answers.
139
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,724
[Earl Narrating]
While we went to search for the real Chaz...
140
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,853
Joy was making it easier
for people to find her.
141
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:47,990
Once we get you BuddyBookin', you'll find out
there's nothin' to be threatened by, baby. Okay?
142
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,295
- Sex.
- Love it.
143
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:53,304
- Race?
- American.
144
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:56,432
- Sexual orientation.
- Reverse cowboy.
145
00:07:56,542 --> 00:08:00,000
- Occupation?
- Pimp. No, wait. Hustler.
146
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:03,081
No, wait. Big baller.
147
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,310
You know what? Just put "mom."
148
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,614
- Hometown?
- Your face.
149
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,780
That's funny, isn't it?
150
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:12,721
- Political views?
- Gop.
151
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,521
- Favorite book.
- Phone.
152
00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,256
- [Chirps]
- Okay. That's it. You're on BuddyBook.
153
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:20,332
See? It's not some big secret.
154
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,401
Now we just put out a friend request.
155
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,936
Once the people approve you,
they'll show up in your friend list.
156
00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:27,301
Oh, snap!
There's a place to put a picture.
157
00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:30,204
I'm gonna use the one of me posin'
with that deer I ran over.
158
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,777
[Earl Narrating] For 50 bucks
and a ride to her boyfriend's house...
159
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,439
that NASA lady gave us Chaz's address.
160
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:38,210
I don't know exactly
what words I'm gonna use, but...
161
00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:40,911
I do know that he deserves
to hear the truth.
162
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,421
'Cause what we're dealing with here, Randy,
is a true American treasure.
163
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,424
[Door Opens]
164
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,561
That guy was an astronaut?
165
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:58,228
[Earl]
So he doesn't look like one. That's okay.
166
00:08:58,337 --> 00:09:00,168
He's still an American hero.
167
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,400
Excuse me, Mr. Dalton?
168
00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:05,705
I got a religion and all the Bibles I need.
169
00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:08,075
Earl, he thinks we'reJojoba Witnesses.
170
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:10,978
Now get off of my lawn!
171
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,278
Look, there's a guy in Camden
impersonating you.
172
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:20,348
He's been at it for years. He's got a camp
called the Chaz Dalton Space Academy.
173
00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:23,087
- What?
- I know. It's terrible.
174
00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:26,528
This good-for-nothing flimflam man
has been lyin' to kids for years...
175
00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:28,964
tellin' 'em he's the real Chaz Dalton.
176
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:31,229
Is this guy makin' money off my name?
177
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:35,671
Hell, yeah, he's been makin' money-
on your glorious coattails. Tons of it.
178
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:39,973
He drives a Saturn S.V.U. He's even got
a credit card just for the gas station.
179
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,411
If you'll allow me
to escort you to Camden...
180
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:46,076
it'd be my honor to walk you into
that impostor academy, that hall of lies...
181
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:50,315
just to see that faker quake
in his fake faker space boots.
182
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,891
Okay. I'll go.
183
00:09:52,992 --> 00:09:55,222
But I get to pick the radio station.
184
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,263
No deal! Earl, let's get out of here.
185
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:01,731
He'll ride in the back with your bag.
186
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,165
[Earl Narrating]
I was on my way to making a new friend...
187
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,067
which was one more than Joy had.
188
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:09,403
My BuddyBook is broken.
Nobody responded to my friend request.
189
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:12,739
Yeah. BuddyBook probably broke.
Best just to forget the whole thing.
190
00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:15,973
Whatever. I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.
191
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,509
All right. Listen up, everybody.
192
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:23,350
Y'all been ignorin'my BuddyBook request,
and I want some answers.
193
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,185
Pickle egg guy?
194
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,660
Black cowboy?
195
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,362
Fat dude's brother?
196
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,163
I thought we were friends.
197
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,999
But none of y'all cowards
are gonna answer me.
198
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:43,598
And TV's Tim Stack.
How long have we known each other?
199
00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:48,612
Joy, I didn't accept
your friend request because you're mean.
200
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:52,275
- [Crowd Agreeing]
- And you commented on a photo of me
and wrote...
201
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,013
"Your face looks like it has syphilis."
202
00:10:55,121 --> 00:11:00,525
- That was a joke.
- It's not a joke when you really have syphilis.
203
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,060
[Earl Narrating] I finally made it
back to Camden with my brother...
204
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,062
and the guy I wished was my other brother.
205
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,155
And I was ready to see the fireworks fly.
206
00:11:07,266 --> 00:11:09,359
Olly, olly, oxen fraud!
207
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,469
I found the real Chaz Dalton.
208
00:11:13,572 --> 00:11:16,973
Just take a good look, 'cause this is
what a real American hero looks like.
209
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:21,844
Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!
210
00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,415
You scared, impostor Chaz?
211
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,953
- My name is Wayne.
- Oh, is it Wayne?
212
00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:30,750
Or is Wayne another name you stole
from an American hero...
213
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:35,190
likeJohn Wayne
or Wayne Newton or Dwayne Wayne?
214
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:38,730
He's tellin' the truth.
215
00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:41,732
[Earl Narrating] Turns out Wayne
worked with Chaz back at NASA.
216
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:44,132
Wayne wanted to be an astronaut
more than anything...
217
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:48,536
but he kept gettin'passed over
'cause he was born with female-sized lungs.
218
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,610
Oh, hey, Wayne!
[Grunts]
219
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,839
Hey. Oh. That throttle looks clean.
220
00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:56,676
Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
221
00:11:56,782 --> 00:12:01,242
You think you could maybe go to this
park opening thing in Camden for me?
222
00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:03,947
I'll pay you 50 bucks. I hate crowds.
223
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:06,616
- Nobody's gonna believe I'm you.
- Oh, Wayne.
224
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,695
People respect astronauts.
They don't know what we look like.
225
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:11,763
It's the helmets, you know.
226
00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:14,458
Come on. Give it a try.
227
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,866
If you're lucky, there might be
some space groupies there.
228
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:21,736
Maybe even someJohn Glenn
hasn't gotten to yet.
229
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:23,934
But doubtful.
230
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:27,035
[Earl Narrating] And the next day Camden
gathered a group of American heroes...
231
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:29,114
to honor the late Paul Lynde...
232
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:31,649
who had once stopped in town
for a sandwich.
233
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:36,347
And then the space shuttle reaches
the speed of 17,000 miles per hour.
234
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:39,515
Wow. You're the greatest
American hero I've ever met.
235
00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:41,559
Sorry, Dad.
236
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:43,753
[Earl Narrating]
And Wayne pulled it off.
237
00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:46,957
He was a hero among heroes.
238
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:49,034
I can't believe you did that.
239
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:52,901
You put the "ass" in astronaut.
You put the "not" in astronaut.
240
00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:54,905
Zing!
241
00:12:55,007 --> 00:12:59,444
I'm sorry. I, uh-
242
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:04,439
l-I guess this place belongs to you.
243
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:07,678
Do you mind if I get the other half
of my sandwich out of the fridge?
244
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,755
I was gonna have that for din-
245
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:11,755
Never mind.
246
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,653
- It better not have been a hero sandwich!
- Bye, Chaz.
247
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,958
[Earl Narrating] The next mornin'
I was so excited about announcin'...
248
00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,465
that a real astronaut
was takin'over the academy.
249
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:25,162
Me and Randy even made a curtain
out of comforters from the motel.
250
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:28,138
So, any of you kids allowed on BuddyBook?
251
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:32,370
Good morning, campers.
We have a special surprise for you.
252
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:35,777
It's my pleasure to introduce
a true American hero.
253
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,351
- Get off of my lawn!
- [Children Gasping]
254
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:47,021
[Laughing]
255
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,861
[Slurring]
I'm all right. I can walk from here.
256
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:58,164
- [Grunts]
- What the hell are you doin'?
257
00:13:58,270 --> 00:14:00,170
I just took some anxiety pills.
258
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:04,003
Well, anxiety pills smell
a lot like scotch and Dentyne Ice.
259
00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:06,077
Don't make me go back out there.
260
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,976
I'm not a real hero.
261
00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:11,174
I'm also a fraud.
262
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:14,411
[Earl Narrating] Turns out, Chaz wasn't
exactly who I thought he was either.
263
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,886
He only got to be an astronaut...
264
00:14:16,989 --> 00:14:20,083
'cause his dad was a senator
who gave fundin'to NASA.
265
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:23,161
And the other astronauts hated him for it.
266
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:30,659
Some people might have worked hard
to prove themselves in that situation...
267
00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:32,669
but not Chaz.
268
00:14:32,771 --> 00:14:36,867
All he cared about before takeoff
was eatin'as much real food as possible.
269
00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:41,371
- # When I die and they lay me to rest #
- [Man] We have liftoff.
270
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,710
[Earl Narrating]
And after the shuttle finally launched...
271
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,307
Chaz suddenly discovered
he was claustrophobic...
272
00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:48,409
had motion sickness
and was afraid ofheights.
273
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,852
- # Goin'up to the spirit in the sky ##
- I don't like it!
274
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,856
I don't like it!
275
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:56,086
[Voices On Radio, Indistinct]
276
00:14:56,195 --> 00:15:00,564
[Screaming]
277
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:03,226
I'm not a hero.
278
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:05,235
I blew it.
279
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:08,135
They had to cut the mission short
'cause I threatened to kill myself.
280
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,640
I thought enough time had gone by...
281
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,008
but when I thought of those little kids,
I just-
282
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:16,081
I just couldn't do it.
283
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:19,446
But they look up to you.
L-I can't let you break their hearts.
284
00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:21,519
They don't look up to me.
285
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:24,851
There's Chaz Dalton, the man,
and Chaz Dalton, the myth.
286
00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:28,484
They look up to the myth.
This whole place is a myth!
287
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:32,257
You know, I'm gonna go out there
and tell 'em I'm shuttin' the camp down.
288
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:34,264
[Grunts]
289
00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:36,960
I mean, they're all paid up, right?
Hey, kids!
290
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,969
Camp's closing!
291
00:15:40,739 --> 00:15:42,673
There are no heroes!
292
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,675
That's it!
293
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,473
[Earl Narrating] I knew what I was
doin'wasn't right, but I was pissed.
294
00:15:47,579 --> 00:15:50,548
Let go of me!
295
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:55,109
I'm not gonna let those kids find out
how bad it hurts when you lose your hero!
296
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,518
And then you think you find your real hero...
297
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,592
and it turns out
he's not your real hero either!
298
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:03,218
- Are you crying?
- No.
299
00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:06,594
[Earl Narrating]
Dealing with Chaz was gonna have to wait...
300
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:09,759
because there was an entire room ofkids
hopin'there was more to space camp...
301
00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:12,666
than watchin'a drunk astronaut
battle with gravity.
302
00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:15,262
[Boys] Five, six, seven, eight.
Try to keep your thumb straight.
303
00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:18,832
So me and Randy decided
to try runnin'the space camp ourselves.
304
00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:21,504
Unfortunately,
we didn't know a lot about space-
305
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,605
[Together]
Three, two, one, blastoff!
306
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:27,015
- or camp-
- [Gasping]
307
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,349
Or runnin'things.
308
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:33,516
- All right, campers. Helmets on.
- # We had a lot ofluck on Venus #
309
00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:35,525
#We always had a ball on Mars #
310
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:37,754
Hey, Earl. Mine's really workin'.
311
00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:40,331
I'm actually startin' to see space.
312
00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:42,798
Hey, look. There's Grandma.
313
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,129
- [Body Thuds]
- [Grunts]
314
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,797
Bags off. Bags off.
315
00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:50,704
[Earl Narrating]
Eventually, the kids caught on.
316
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:54,438
We tried our hardest,
but sometimes your hardestjust sucks.
317
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:57,811
- Show us how to walk on the moon.
- Okay.
318
00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:01,477
#Come on
Let's go space truckin'#
319
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:04,681
#Come on, come on ##
320
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:07,190
That's not how you do it.
321
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,054
- [Door Alarm Chimes]
- Chaz. You show us.
322
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:12,994
- Yeah! Please.
- Chaz!
323
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:17,831
I know I said I wouldn't come back,
but I really do wanna get that half a sandwich.
324
00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:20,063
Will you show us the right way
to walk on the moon?
325
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:24,336
- Yeah, Chaz, please!
- Yeah. Come on.
326
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,236
All right. But then you have to leave.
327
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,583
Okay. Everybody up.
328
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:35,744
Now remember, you never move too fast...
329
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:38,516
and you look before you step...
330
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,593
'cause there's lots and lots of craters...
331
00:17:41,693 --> 00:17:45,026
and I think Alan Shepard
left a few golf tees up there.
332
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,428
Do you think I could be an astronaut?
333
00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:51,162
- Definitely, with some hard work.
- What about me?
334
00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:54,831
[Earl Narrating] I didn't like it, but I
couldn't deny Wayne was good with the kids-
335
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,703
and Randy.
336
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,903
I didn't know what to do.
Luckily, someone else did.
337
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:03,812
Chaz, can I have your autograph?
338
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,818
I'd love to.
339
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,554
Kids, there's something I gotta tell you.
340
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:13,989
Go ahead. Give it to 'em.
341
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,323
[Earl Narrating]
Believe it or not, me gettin'pissed...
342
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,761
and throwin'Chaz in the closet was
the best thing that could have happened.
343
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:33,303
He found a bunch ofboxes
filled with thank-you letters.
344
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:37,644
There were hundreds ofkids
who looked up to Chaz, just like I had.
345
00:18:37,749 --> 00:18:40,411
Kids who might never grow up
to be astronauts...
346
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:43,818
but who Chaz had inspired.
347
00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:46,015
Kids who'd learned to love science...
348
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,252
kids who'd learned to love adventure...
349
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,954
kids who'd learned to love
chasin'their dreams.
350
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:59,101
And one creepy guy from Nathanville
who wanted Chaz to have sex with his wife.
351
00:19:00,906 --> 00:19:03,500
Every kid deserves an autograph
from their hero.
352
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,440
Are you sure?
353
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:10,976
You're good with people
and with explaining stuff.
354
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,849
And you're fun. Not all astronauts are.
355
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,685
[Earl Narrating] Chaz realized
that the myth of Chaz Dalton...
356
00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:20,758
was more important than the man.
357
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,851
'Cause the myth had inspired
hundreds ofkids, and that was real.
358
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:26,988
So it worked out the camp
would be both of their legacies.
359
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,533
Wayne Chaz was good
at talkin'about stuff...
360
00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:34,334
and Chaz Chaz had access to all the real stuff,
including another space suit...
361
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,703
which meant I got to cross
Chaz Dalton off my list.
362
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:40,642
#I'm a rocket man #
363
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:42,907
- # Rocket man #
- It turned out, pretending to be someone else...
364
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,006
could help a lot of different people...
365
00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:50,077
even if it meant staying up all night
making 351 fake profiles on BuddyBook.
366
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:54,091
- Holden Caulfield, New York.
- # And I think it's gonna be a long, long time #
367
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:59,358
- Occupation: Catcher.
- # Till touchdown brings me round again to find #
368
00:19:59,464 --> 00:20:02,262
#I'm not the man
they think I am at home #
369
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,063
- # Oh, no, no, no #
- [Chirps]
370
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:08,105
- # I'm a rocket man #
- Hot damn. I did it. Baby, I won BuddyBook!
371
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,834
#Rocket man ##
372
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:13,400
Yesterday, the only friend I had was you,
but now I got 352.
373
00:20:13,512 --> 00:20:16,072
That's more than Catalina,
and most of hers are probably roommates.
374
00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:19,412
That's great, baby. I knew you could do it.
375
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:21,418
I don't remember this one woman
who friended me...
376
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,784
but she says she was
my choir teacher in the third grade.
377
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,914
She kind oflooks familiar.
378
00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:29,460
Bless her little Asian heart.
I'm gonna throw a sheep at her.
379
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:33,292
[Earl Narrating] It goes to show, whether
it's space heroes or computer net friends...
380
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,629
sometimes a fake one works
just as good as the real thing.
381
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:39,704
Joy wasn't the only one
who got what she wanted.
382
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:44,003
Chaz made a phone call to NASA, and somebody
finally made his first trip into space.
383
00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:47,135
- [Woman On Radio] All systems are go.
- Houston, we're totally awesome.
384
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,373
[Earl Narrating]
It may havejust been a simulator...
385
00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:51,381
but the feelin'was real.