1 00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:04,530 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:06,830 --> 00:00:08,830 [Earl Narrating] On a slow day at the Crab Shack... 3 00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:13,030 me and Randy like to bet on who is gonna come through the door next. 4 00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:15,570 I think it's gonna be a Chinese guy named Townsend. 5 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:19,270 Randy, no Chinese guy named Townsend's ever come in here. 6 00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:21,280 I'm feelin' pretty confident, Earl. 7 00:00:21,380 --> 00:00:23,410 I already called a black chick named Henrietta. 8 00:00:26,550 --> 00:00:28,820 Chinese Townsend. Chinese Townsend. Chinese Townsend. 9 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,520 - Chinese Townsend. Chinese Townsend. - [Door Opens] 10 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,230 [Together, Gasping] Crazy witch lady! 11 00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:39,730 [Patrons Murmuring] 12 00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:46,040 I heard that if her shadow falls on you... 13 00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:48,510 your blood freezes and your heart falls out your butt. 14 00:00:48,610 --> 00:00:50,870 I've heard that too, Randy. 15 00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:52,880 But I gotta go talk to her. 16 00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:55,180 [Earl Narrating] She was number 186 on my list- 17 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,680 was mean to the crazy witch lady. 18 00:00:57,790 --> 00:01:01,220 Every town has a spooky old lady who lives in an even spookier old house. 19 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,380 - [Raven Cawing] - In Camden, ours happened to be on my way to school. 20 00:01:04,490 --> 00:01:07,760 - # I put a spell on you # - But every time I tried to cut across her lawn... 21 00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:11,560 - she would chase me away. - Get away! My birds are buried there! 22 00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:13,960 So I came up with a plan to get even... 23 00:01:14,070 --> 00:01:18,060 a plan that involved superglue and food coloring. 24 00:01:18,170 --> 00:01:21,540 Aplan that I'm ashamed to say I still think is pretty awesome. 25 00:01:22,980 --> 00:01:25,770 When everything was ready, I sprang my trap. 26 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,900 - [Woman] 911. - There's a crazy witch lady... 27 00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:30,380 trying to eat some kid at the corner of Fourth and Pine. 28 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,540 - Come quick. - # Well # 29 00:01:33,650 --> 00:01:36,150 #I ain't gonna take none of your# 30 00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:39,120 #Foolin'around # 31 00:01:39,230 --> 00:01:41,660 I have no respect for your property! 32 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,660 #Ain't gonna take none of your# 33 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,060 - Oh! I'll get you! - # Puttin'me down # 34 00:01:46,170 --> 00:01:47,760 [Siren Wailing In Distance] 35 00:01:47,870 --> 00:01:50,340 - # I put a spell on you # - You're trampling my hemlock! 36 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,460 [Siren Wailing] 37 00:01:53,570 --> 00:01:55,770 Help! The crazy witch lady's tryin' to kill me! 38 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,070 [Gasps] 39 00:01:58,180 --> 00:02:00,740 Sweet Mother of God! Drop the broom, witch lady! 40 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,670 - I can't! - Do it now, kid eater! 41 00:02:05,790 --> 00:02:07,150 [Screams] 42 00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,250 - [Electricity Crackling] - [Groaning] 43 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,320 [Gasping] 44 00:02:14,530 --> 00:02:19,990 So l-I just wanna say how sorry I am, Mrs., uh- 45 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,000 Sorry. L-I don't even know your real name. 46 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,830 Young man, you are the first person... 47 00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:29,030 who has bothered to ask me my name in years. 48 00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:31,870 I'm Griselda Weezmer. 49 00:02:31,980 --> 00:02:34,110 I know. It doesn't help things much. 50 00:02:34,210 --> 00:02:37,710 Uh, there's gotta be somethin' I can do to make this up to you. 51 00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:40,050 Well, I do get lonely. 52 00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:43,490 Maybe you could come over for tea tomorrow afternoon. 53 00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:45,490 [Whispering] No. No. 54 00:02:45,590 --> 00:02:49,290 Yeah, I'd- I'd like that. I hear good things about tea. 55 00:02:52,230 --> 00:02:54,130 Look at that cross-eyed old goofball. 56 00:02:54,230 --> 00:02:57,530 God sure broke the weirdo stick on her. [Laughs] 57 00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,800 Joy, that's not very- 58 00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:02,030 Hold on. I got more. She's creepier than babies with glasses. 59 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,080 She smells so bad, when she sits in the sand, cats try to bury her. 60 00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:07,150 - Bam! - Joy, listen. 61 00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,240 I've been waiting for a time to bring this up... 62 00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:11,250 that wasn't premenstrual, menstrual or postmenstrual. 63 00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:13,250 But I think I'm just gonna jump in. 64 00:03:13,350 --> 00:03:15,320 Why do you always have to say those kinda things? 65 00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:19,520 Oh, here we go- always stickin' up for nearsighted babies. 66 00:03:19,630 --> 00:03:22,930 It's not just nearsighted babies. You say mean things about everybody. 67 00:03:23,030 --> 00:03:24,590 It's not mean if people laugh at it. 68 00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:27,430 What about when they cry at it, like Eugenia did yesterday? 69 00:03:27,530 --> 00:03:30,940 She set me up. She said she thought she could be a plus-size model. 70 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,910 I had to say, "Yeah. Plus-size model home." [Snickers] 71 00:03:34,010 --> 00:03:36,270 - Joy- - One person cried. Six people laughed. 72 00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:38,240 That's all I'm sayin'. 73 00:03:38,350 --> 00:03:40,140 [Earl Narrating] The next day, me and Randy... 74 00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:42,720 drove over to Mrs. Weezmer's house so I could have tea with her. 75 00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:45,380 Come on, Randy. I need you in there to keep the conversation poppin'. 76 00:03:45,490 --> 00:03:49,150 You like talkin' about the same things old ladies do... 77 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,750 like socks and joint pain. 78 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:55,190 That reminds me. Last week, my sleepin' socks came out of the dryer so damn fluffy... 79 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:57,200 my knees didn't hurt all day. 80 00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:59,420 See? This is great stuff. She'll eat it up. 81 00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:03,090 No, she won't. 'Cause I'm not goin' in there. It's suicide. 82 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,430 She'll lop off your head and make pudding out of your blood... 83 00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:07,440 and trick people like me into eatin' it. 84 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,440 And I'll do it, Earl, because I love pudding. 85 00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:12,410 Even if she doesn't give me a spoon. I don't care. I'll find a way. 86 00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:14,410 Fine. I'll go by myself. 87 00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:16,910 I'll see you in an hour, 'cause my head will still be on. 88 00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:22,890 [Earl Narrating] When I was a kid... 89 00:04:22,990 --> 00:04:26,450 there was no way I'd have been caught dead having tea with Griselda Weezmer. 90 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,890 But as a grown man, I saw that I misjudged her. 91 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,160 Sure, she was a little odd. 92 00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:34,170 These are my mother's teeth. 93 00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:36,960 Okay, a lot odd, but she was harmless. 94 00:04:37,070 --> 00:04:40,530 Your mom's teeth, huh? Well, that's quite a- 95 00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:43,340 [Thud] 96 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,240 Rise and shine. 97 00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:57,260 What- What- What's goin'on, Griselda? 98 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:01,420 [Whimpers] This is a little weird. 99 00:05:01,530 --> 00:05:03,960 Last week, I would've agreed with you. 100 00:05:04,060 --> 00:05:07,660 Truth is, I haven't thought about what you did in years. 101 00:05:07,770 --> 00:05:10,030 But your big apology brought it all back. 102 00:05:10,140 --> 00:05:13,830 - In-In a good way? - No. 103 00:05:13,940 --> 00:05:18,210 And then I got thinking about all the other things that people have done to me- 104 00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:22,610 that angry mob that tried to drown me in the lake to see if I'd float. 105 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,950 L-I didn't have anything to do with that. 106 00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:27,990 I was just drinkin' beers and watchin' from a houseboat. 107 00:05:28,090 --> 00:05:31,750 And then yesterday when you went blabbing on, I thought... 108 00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:35,890 "Griselda, you know what you should do? 109 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,190 "Lure him to your house, drug him... 110 00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,060 and then stick him in the basement." 111 00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:45,070 So that's just what I did. [Chuckles] 112 00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:48,230 Well, it worked. I'm totally freaked out. 113 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:51,140 This is a real pants crapper. 114 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,510 Uh, l-I guess we're even, huh? 115 00:05:53,610 --> 00:05:56,010 [Chuckles] You little scamp. 116 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,310 You'll never see daylight again. 117 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,320 [Door Closes] 118 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,920 [Earl Narrating] When I didn't come back out to the car... 119 00:06:06,030 --> 00:06:09,550 Randy worked up his nerve to go knock on the crazy witch lady's door. 120 00:06:16,670 --> 00:06:18,760 Hello. I'm lookin' for my brother, Earl... 121 00:06:18,870 --> 00:06:20,900 or any parts of him you haven't made into pudding. 122 00:06:21,010 --> 00:06:23,910 Oh, goodness. I didn't turn him into pudding. 123 00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:25,770 We just had some tea. 124 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,080 Now he's in the video game room, playing with my wrestling action figures... 125 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,120 and watching naughty movies and- 126 00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,380 What other things do boys like you enjoy? 127 00:06:33,490 --> 00:06:35,850 Oh, I think you've hit everything except for peanuts. 128 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,190 Oh, and there's a big bowl of peanuts. 129 00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:40,660 I'm comin' in. 130 00:06:46,670 --> 00:06:48,570 Randy! 131 00:06:53,210 --> 00:06:56,000 Come on, lady. Just- Please let me and my brother go... 132 00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:58,580 and-and we'll forget all this ever happened. 133 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,410 Let you go? Oh, don't be silly. 134 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,580 I couldn't possibly. I'm having such fun. 135 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,310 You know what you could have even more fun with? Money. 136 00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:11,190 Oh, thank you, but no amount of money... 137 00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:14,280 can beat the look of terror in a fresh victim's eyes... 138 00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,490 as he takes a header into the coffee table. 139 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:20,500 [Laughing] Oh! The feeling is exquisite. 140 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,760 It's what I always imagined an orgasm might be like. 141 00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,480 Poopie trim. 142 00:07:33,950 --> 00:07:36,070 Where am I? 143 00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,910 - Locked up in Mrs. Weezmer's basement. - [Door Closes] 144 00:07:39,020 --> 00:07:43,890 Oh, no. We're gonna die, and it's gonna hurt. 145 00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:48,020 Well, I guess this is good-bye, head. 146 00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:50,030 Thanks for all your hard work. 147 00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:53,590 [Earl Narrating] Apparently, Mrs. Weezmer had a reason to be mad at Randy too. 148 00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,600 Few years ago, he'd come up with a plan... 149 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:57,970 to get rid of the crazy witch lady once and for all. 150 00:07:58,070 --> 00:08:00,670 [Screams] 151 00:08:00,770 --> 00:08:02,970 [Whimpers] 152 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,980 Why aren't you meltin'? 153 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,050 Come on! Melt, bitch! 154 00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:09,270 Okay, so she's mad at both of us. 155 00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:14,150 Let's just stay calm and-and think of a way out of this. 156 00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:16,150 [Exhales] 157 00:08:16,260 --> 00:08:18,950 [Water Dripping] 158 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,560 [Snorts, Gasps] Sorry. 159 00:08:30,670 --> 00:08:34,160 I stopped breathing for a second there. 160 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,180 [Earl Narrating] Meanwhile, aboveground... 161 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:41,440 Joy was still ticked off that Darnell didn't think she was nice. 162 00:08:41,550 --> 00:08:44,880 Hey, loser. If you had to describe me in one word- 163 00:08:44,990 --> 00:08:47,920 - Mean. - Let me finish. 164 00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:51,420 And it couldn't be "hot." What word- 165 00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:55,190 - Mean. - Not "hilarious," huh? 166 00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:59,160 Okay. 167 00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:01,170 Hey, here's one. 168 00:09:01,270 --> 00:09:04,330 If you had to describe Darnell in one word... 169 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,370 and it couldn't be "black," what word would you use? 170 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,470 Hmm. 171 00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:12,940 Can't use "black," huh? 172 00:09:13,050 --> 00:09:15,110 [Sighs] That's a toughie. 173 00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,340 Okay. How about "nice"? 174 00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:20,540 No. I'm gonna go with "great." Or "marvelous." 175 00:09:20,650 --> 00:09:25,220 I'm really goin' back and forth between "great," "marvelous" and "nice." 176 00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:28,350 All right, fine. You can use "black." 177 00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:31,060 [Earl Narrating] After an hour of trying to come up with an escape plan... 178 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,060 Randy thought he had something. 179 00:09:33,170 --> 00:09:35,070 Step one, we catch a mouse. 180 00:09:35,170 --> 00:09:37,860 Step two, we teach him sign language. 181 00:09:37,970 --> 00:09:41,600 Step three, we throw him as hard as we can up that chimney. 182 00:09:41,710 --> 00:09:44,640 - [Footsteps, Muffled Chattering] - Someone's up there. 183 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:48,150 - We should yell for help. - Okay. Let's yell- on three. 184 00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:50,980 - [Together] One, two- - [Door Opens] 185 00:09:54,150 --> 00:09:56,280 - Damn it. - [Door Closes] 186 00:09:56,390 --> 00:09:58,820 Since when does everybody like tea? 187 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,060 So you're telling me her M.O. Is to kidnap people she wants revenge on? 188 00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:10,970 Yeah, but she's not just goin' after mos. She's takin' straight guys too. 189 00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:15,270 This is crazy. I've never even seen this woman before, let alone done anything to her. 190 00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:17,280 And I'm sure you haven't either. 191 00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:20,950 [Earl Narrating] Kenny shouldn't have been so sure. 192 00:10:21,050 --> 00:10:24,740 My fault? How could this possibly be my fault? 193 00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,910 Look, ma'am, I don't want to offend you... 194 00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:28,920 but, uh, you fit a certain profile... 195 00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,250 that we in law enforcement call a "wack job." 196 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,090 But I'm not hurting anybody. 197 00:10:33,190 --> 00:10:35,420 Yes, but you're different, and that's bad. 198 00:10:35,530 --> 00:10:39,160 I mean, we all have parts of ourselves that are wrong and weird and shameful... 199 00:10:39,270 --> 00:10:42,720 but it's our responsibility to bury those parts very deeply... 200 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,360 and go bowling with our straight friends. 201 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,700 - [Police Radio Chatter] - Good day, madam. 202 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,980 Don't give me that look. You are turning into your mother. 203 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,850 [Earl] Guys, blaming each other isn't gonna help us. 204 00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:03,890 You were a cop. How do people get out of this kind of thing? 205 00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:09,220 Oh, they don't. We used to find mutilated skeletons chained up in basements all the time. 206 00:11:09,330 --> 00:11:11,960 We never saved a single person. 207 00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:15,300 - [Sobs] - No tears. 208 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,370 We've got to be strong, bear cub. 209 00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,940 [Sobbing] 210 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,910 [Sobbing] 211 00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,780 [Sobbing] 212 00:11:30,180 --> 00:11:32,150 [Sobbing] 213 00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:34,720 [All Sobbing] 214 00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:42,330 [Earl Narrating] Back at the Crab Shack... 215 00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:45,990 Joy was gettin'desperate to prove she was as good a person as Darnell. 216 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:50,500 See, what people don't realize is I got tons of, like, secret inner niceness. 217 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,060 Well, niceness really is best when no one ever gets to see it. 218 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:58,380 You're just tryin' to get me to snap at you, but I won't... 219 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,910 because I am full of super niceness. 220 00:12:03,420 --> 00:12:05,040 How can I help- 221 00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:07,710 Aaah! Witch! 222 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,620 - Sorry. Hello. - Pardon me, dear. 223 00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:15,350 I wondered if you could come to my house and do me a favor. 224 00:12:17,730 --> 00:12:21,390 Of course I will do you a favor, ghoulish old lady. 225 00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,660 [Chuckles] 226 00:12:23,770 --> 00:12:26,000 [Loudly] Because I am a nice person... 227 00:12:26,110 --> 00:12:28,470 and favors are what nice people do. 228 00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:38,610 Oh, my God. It's Joy. 229 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:43,310 This one's nasty. She took a swipe at me on her way to the floor. 230 00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:46,090 [Earl Narrating] I wasn't surprised to seeJoy. 231 00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:49,180 A few years ago, somebody told her it was good luck to push over a witch. 232 00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:53,390 #Must be the season of the witch # 233 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:57,100 - # Must be the season of the witch ## - [Laughing] 234 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,230 Idiots. Idiots. If just one of you butt nuts... 235 00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:03,330 had been man enough to stop the biddy, she never would've gotten to me. 236 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,670 What are you, just down here waitin' to starve to death? 237 00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:08,010 No, Joy. We tried screamin'. 238 00:13:08,110 --> 00:13:11,280 And Randy's got a great mouse plan we can pull out if we ever see one. 239 00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,910 If you have a better idea, we'd love to hear it. 240 00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:17,050 Nope. Seems like you guys covered every reasonable base. 241 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,850 All that's left for me is to be an idiot and call 911. 242 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,330 - She's got a cell phone. She's got a cell phone! - [Beeping] 243 00:13:22,430 --> 00:13:24,620 - Can I check my e-mail? - Kenny! 244 00:13:24,730 --> 00:13:27,760 This is what I was talking about. You have a media disease. 245 00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:31,330 What the hell? They put me through to voice mail. 246 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,840 Oh, yeah. It's 3:30 on a Friday. 247 00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:37,140 Sharon's probably knocked off for the weekend. Her boyfriend's got a house on Lake Wheeler. 248 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,510 I'm callin' Darnell. He was a government assassin, and he takes vitamins. 249 00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:43,810 You might want to watch and see how a real man handles this kind of thing. 250 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,320 [Door Opens] 251 00:13:46,420 --> 00:13:48,050 - [Cell Phone Ringing: Funk] - [Door Closes] 252 00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:51,060 - [Funk Ringtone Continues] - [Line Ringing] 253 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:55,620 - Crap! - Hey, that sack has the same ringtone as Darnell. 254 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,890 I wouldn't drink the tea, so she whacked me in the head with a giant ceramic rooster. 255 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,560 Wait a second. If you're here, you must've done something nasty to the old biddy too. 256 00:14:06,670 --> 00:14:10,470 [Laughs] See, y'all? Mr. Perfect can be just as mean as anybody. 257 00:14:10,580 --> 00:14:13,410 Who's the black calling the kettle pot now? Tell what you did. 258 00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:16,810 Actually- 259 00:14:21,290 --> 00:14:23,720 Hey, Darnell, you see that lady over there? 260 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,830 - Which lady? - That crazy lady over there. 261 00:14:27,930 --> 00:14:30,450 - Which lady? - That lady. 262 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,260 - Which lady? - That lady. 263 00:14:33,370 --> 00:14:35,560 Which lady? 264 00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:46,440 Son of a bitch, Darnell. It's like I married Jesus' nicer brother. 265 00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:48,450 Makes me wanna kill somebody. 266 00:14:48,550 --> 00:14:51,020 Let's start with the woman that locked us up. 267 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,020 Hey, that's a good idea. I learned on the force... 268 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,420 that if you punch an old person's head from the correct angle... 269 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,750 their skull pretty much turns to powder. 270 00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:00,620 Let's do this! 271 00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:02,720 - [Footsteps] - She's coming. 272 00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:04,730 Tell me the angle! Tell me the angle! 273 00:15:04,830 --> 00:15:07,200 - Oh, hi, everybody. - Catalina. 274 00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,360 How'd you find us? 275 00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,960 No, no, no, no! Cat-Catalina, what are you doin'? 276 00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:16,100 Mrs. Weezmer lured me over here and tried to drug me... 277 00:15:16,210 --> 00:15:18,800 but I've had so many roofies slipped in my drinks over the years... 278 00:15:18,910 --> 00:15:20,810 I've developed quite a tolerance. 279 00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:24,540 She was trying so hard, and she looks a little like my aunt. 280 00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:26,550 Anyway, here I am. 281 00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:30,750 [Earl Narrating] LikeJoy, Catalina had grown up with a lot of superstitions about witches. 282 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,490 And just when the little blind boy turned to the tree... 283 00:15:33,590 --> 00:15:36,820 and said, "Mommy, why is the floor so cold?"... 284 00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:39,730 the frozen lake cracked under him... 285 00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:41,730 and he drowned. 286 00:15:41,830 --> 00:15:45,000 Oh. That is so sad. 287 00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:50,070 I did it! I captured the tear of a witch! 288 00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:52,740 I shall live forever! 289 00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,970 [Door Opens] 290 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,910 Seriously, what the hell's with stickin' people in burlap sacks... 291 00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,920 before you kick 'em down the stairs? 292 00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:04,350 It's more dramatic. 293 00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:09,450 She's right. It is dramatic. 294 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,430 No. I never did anything bad to her. 295 00:16:13,530 --> 00:16:15,500 The old bitch is just crazy. 296 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,000 I can't tell you the number of times I've been out working... 297 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,540 and she's been standin' there just staring at me. 298 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,370 It's creepy is what it is. [Sighs] 299 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,710 And she wonders why I took Dad's side in the divorce. 300 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,340 Oh. Yeah. She's my mom. 301 00:16:31,450 --> 00:16:34,850 - Hookers have moms? - Mmm. 302 00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:39,620 Patricia! As long as you are under my roof- and my kitchen floor- 303 00:16:39,730 --> 00:16:41,850 there will be no smoking in this house. 304 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,290 What are you gonna do- ground me? 305 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,990 If grounding worked, you wouldn't be sleeping with men for money... 306 00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,040 and food and gasoline. 307 00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:52,040 Now, what was I here for? 308 00:16:52,140 --> 00:16:54,160 Oh, yes. I'm gonna kill one of you. 309 00:16:54,270 --> 00:16:55,830 - [Kenny Whimpers] - What? 310 00:16:55,940 --> 00:17:00,850 L-I have a lot more people to kidnap and we're running out of space. 311 00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:04,540 Um, now, I'm not a monster. 312 00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:06,710 I'm gonna let you folks decide which one of you... 313 00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:11,150 I stab and stab and stab until you're dead. 314 00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:13,890 [Giggling] 315 00:17:13,990 --> 00:17:16,050 - Not it! - [Door Closes] 316 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,150 Good luck, suckers. 317 00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:26,460 [Earl Narrating] It's bad enough being kidnapped and chained in a basement... 318 00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:29,870 but when the kidnapper tells you to pick somebody to get stabbed... 319 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,500 relationships show the strain pretty fast. 320 00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:35,380 Everybody calm down. We gotta figure out what to do here. 321 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,780 We know what to do. We decide who'll be missed the least... 322 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,790 and the rest of us just get on with our lives and never look back. 323 00:17:40,890 --> 00:17:42,580 Good idea. I say we give her the bitch. 324 00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:44,350 You better be talkin' about your boyfriend. 325 00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:46,820 See? That's the kind of mindless hate speech... 326 00:17:46,930 --> 00:17:49,020 that proves the world will be better off without you. 327 00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:52,530 But if I don't get the votes for that, I say we snuff the whore. 328 00:17:52,630 --> 00:17:54,960 - Why me? - Hookers are killed every day. 329 00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:58,040 Face it. You're livin' on borrowed time. 330 00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:00,110 Darnell, you're a nice guy. 331 00:18:00,210 --> 00:18:02,540 Why don't you just volunteer to be killed? 332 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,540 Look, I'll give you a ride to the airport, but I'm not dying for you. 333 00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:10,980 Nobody's gonna die, Darnell. She's just gonna stab and stab and stab one of us until- 334 00:18:12,150 --> 00:18:15,210 Oh, wait. Oh, no. Oh, my God. 335 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,980 Okay. New front-runner- the dumb guy. 336 00:18:18,090 --> 00:18:21,320 Of course. The dumb guy. Why didn't we think of it before? 337 00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:24,620 If we lie to him, he won't realize what's happening until it's too late. 338 00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,060 I heard that! You burn in hell, stripper! 339 00:18:27,170 --> 00:18:29,570 All right, stop! Look what we're doin' to each other. 340 00:18:29,670 --> 00:18:32,430 It's exactly what we did to Mrs. Weezmer. 341 00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:34,440 Again, never did anything to her. 342 00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:36,440 Totally innocent and still might die. 343 00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:38,600 - Welcome to being gay. - Don't you see? 344 00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:40,610 We labeled her as the crazy witch lady... 345 00:18:40,710 --> 00:18:42,770 and now we're labeling each other- 346 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:46,010 the bitch, the nice guy, the gay guys, the stripper. 347 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,950 - Friggin' karma zombie. - Okay. That too. 348 00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,620 But maybe this is what karma wants us to learn. 349 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,320 Look, guys, when you label somebody... 350 00:18:54,430 --> 00:18:56,360 you stop seein' them as a real person... 351 00:18:56,460 --> 00:18:59,520 and suddenly you can do all kinds of terrible things to 'em. 352 00:18:59,630 --> 00:19:04,470 And pretty soon, they stop seein'themselves as a real person too. 353 00:19:04,570 --> 00:19:06,440 They just turn into that label. 354 00:19:06,540 --> 00:19:08,440 Yeah, so Mrs. Weezmer acted crazy. 355 00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:10,940 But after 20 years of people treatin' her the way we did... 356 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,840 can you blame her? 357 00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:15,140 Earl. 358 00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:21,440 M-Mrs. Weezmer, we're all real sorry for what we did. 359 00:19:21,550 --> 00:19:23,780 Do you mean that? 360 00:19:23,890 --> 00:19:26,480 - Yeah. Really. - Uh-huh. 361 00:19:26,590 --> 00:19:28,490 Yeah, and if you're gonna kill someone, kill me. 362 00:19:28,590 --> 00:19:31,530 But-But I know you won't, 'cause you're not really crazy. 363 00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:35,230 We drove you to act like this because of what we did. 364 00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:39,900 It's okay. It's all okay now. 365 00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:46,500 Oh, God! Crazy witch lady stabbed me! 366 00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:49,140 It hurts so much! 367 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,750 - [Yelps] - [Body Thuds] 368 00:19:53,850 --> 00:19:56,650 - Sorry, Mom! - Collect her tears! 369 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,690 We can all live forever! 370 00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:01,090 - [Chains Clattering] - [Body Thuds] Uh! 371 00:20:01,190 --> 00:20:03,790 [Earl Narrating] Turns out Mrs. Weezmer was crazy. 372 00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,830 And so the courts placed her in a home for the mentally frazzled... 373 00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:10,870 where they could give her the help and care she needed to get well. 374 00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:13,560 And we all found ourselves making a little extra effort... 375 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,730 not to let other people's labels define who we were. 376 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,540 Joy did what she could to show Darnell she really could be nice. 377 00:20:20,650 --> 00:20:25,380 Here's some sugar peas for my sugar pea. Hope you enjoy it. 378 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,250 And Darnell knewJoy would be happier... 379 00:20:27,350 --> 00:20:29,910 if she didn't always feel like she was married to a saint. 380 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,790 Bitch! You know I hate peas! 381 00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:34,990 [Plate Shatters] 382 00:20:35,090 --> 00:20:37,690 Thanks, baby. That's all I need. 383 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,270 Just act like a mean bastard every once in a while. 384 00:20:40,370 --> 00:20:42,300 #I want you tojoin together with the band # 385 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,730 [Earl Narrating] And I decided to spend the day relaxing... 386 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,470 and show that I wasn't always just that guy with the karma list. 387 00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:49,470 #Don't go in any particular direction # 388 00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:51,770 #And we don't make no collections # 389 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,400 #I want you tojoin together# 390 00:20:54,510 --> 00:20:56,500 And Randy got himself a "word of the day"calendar... 391 00:20:56,620 --> 00:20:59,410 so he could show people he wasn't always dumb. 392 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:03,420 You know, Earl, this beer obviates the need to go to the Crab Shack. 393 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,420 "Obviate." 394 00:21:06,930 --> 00:21:09,900 And Patty? Well, Patty was called a lot of things... 395 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,830 but the one label she never really lived up to was "daughter." 396 00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:14,830 She decided to fix that. 397 00:21:14,930 --> 00:21:18,930 And after Mrs. Weezmer spent some time being seen as a mom instead of a crazy witch lady- 398 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,130 - [Woman] Hi, Mrs. Weezmer. - she was well enough to come home. 399 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,900 #There's a million ways to laugh # 400 00:21:23,010 --> 00:21:24,440 Oh, hey! 401 00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:27,410 #Every one's a path # 402 00:21:27,510 --> 00:21:32,140 And that gave us a chance to treat her like a person- with no labels at all. 403 00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:34,380 Which meant I could finally cross her off my list. 404 00:21:36,390 --> 00:21:38,410 I'll do it later. 405 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,580 #Join together with the band ##