1
00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:04,530
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:06,830 --> 00:00:08,830
[Earl Narrating]
On a slow day at the Crab Shack...
3
00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:13,030
me and Randy like to bet
on who is gonna come through the door next.
4
00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:15,570
I think it's gonna be
a Chinese guy named Townsend.
5
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:19,270
Randy, no Chinese guy named Townsend's
ever come in here.
6
00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:21,280
I'm feelin' pretty confident, Earl.
7
00:00:21,380 --> 00:00:23,410
I already called
a black chick named Henrietta.
8
00:00:26,550 --> 00:00:28,820
Chinese Townsend.
Chinese Townsend. Chinese Townsend.
9
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,520
- Chinese Townsend. Chinese Townsend.
- [Door Opens]
10
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,230
[Together, Gasping]
Crazy witch lady!
11
00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:39,730
[Patrons Murmuring]
12
00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:46,040
I heard that if her shadow falls on you...
13
00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:48,510
your blood freezes and your heart
falls out your butt.
14
00:00:48,610 --> 00:00:50,870
I've heard that too, Randy.
15
00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:52,880
But I gotta go talk to her.
16
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:55,180
[Earl Narrating]
She was number 186 on my list-
17
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,680
was mean to the crazy witch lady.
18
00:00:57,790 --> 00:01:01,220
Every town has a spooky old lady
who lives in an even spookier old house.
19
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,380
- [Raven Cawing]
- In Camden, ours happened
to be on my way to school.
20
00:01:04,490 --> 00:01:07,760
- # I put a spell on you #
- But every time I tried to cut across her lawn...
21
00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:11,560
- she would chase me away.
- Get away! My birds are buried there!
22
00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:13,960
So I came up with a plan to get even...
23
00:01:14,070 --> 00:01:18,060
a plan that involved superglue
and food coloring.
24
00:01:18,170 --> 00:01:21,540
Aplan that I'm ashamed to say
I still think is pretty awesome.
25
00:01:22,980 --> 00:01:25,770
When everything was ready, I sprang my trap.
26
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,900
- [Woman] 911.
- There's a crazy witch lady...
27
00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:30,380
trying to eat some kid
at the corner of Fourth and Pine.
28
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,540
- Come quick.
- # Well #
29
00:01:33,650 --> 00:01:36,150
#I ain't gonna take
none of your#
30
00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:39,120
#Foolin'around #
31
00:01:39,230 --> 00:01:41,660
I have no respect for your property!
32
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,660
#Ain't gonna take
none of your#
33
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,060
- Oh! I'll get you!
- # Puttin'me down #
34
00:01:46,170 --> 00:01:47,760
[Siren Wailing In Distance]
35
00:01:47,870 --> 00:01:50,340
- # I put a spell on you #
- You're trampling my hemlock!
36
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,460
[Siren Wailing]
37
00:01:53,570 --> 00:01:55,770
Help! The crazy witch lady's
tryin' to kill me!
38
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,070
[Gasps]
39
00:01:58,180 --> 00:02:00,740
Sweet Mother of God!
Drop the broom, witch lady!
40
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,670
- I can't!
- Do it now, kid eater!
41
00:02:05,790 --> 00:02:07,150
[Screams]
42
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,250
- [Electricity Crackling]
- [Groaning]
43
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,320
[Gasping]
44
00:02:14,530 --> 00:02:19,990
So l-I just wanna say
how sorry I am, Mrs., uh-
45
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,000
Sorry. L-I don't even know your real name.
46
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,830
Young man, you are the first person...
47
00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:29,030
who has bothered
to ask me my name in years.
48
00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:31,870
I'm Griselda Weezmer.
49
00:02:31,980 --> 00:02:34,110
I know. It doesn't help things much.
50
00:02:34,210 --> 00:02:37,710
Uh, there's gotta be somethin' I can do
to make this up to you.
51
00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:40,050
Well, I do get lonely.
52
00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:43,490
Maybe you could come over for tea
tomorrow afternoon.
53
00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:45,490
[Whispering]
No. No.
54
00:02:45,590 --> 00:02:49,290
Yeah, I'd- I'd like that.
I hear good things about tea.
55
00:02:52,230 --> 00:02:54,130
Look at that cross-eyed old goofball.
56
00:02:54,230 --> 00:02:57,530
God sure broke the weirdo stick on her.
[Laughs]
57
00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,800
Joy, that's not very-
58
00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:02,030
Hold on. I got more.
She's creepier than babies with glasses.
59
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,080
She smells so bad, when she sits in the sand,
cats try to bury her.
60
00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:07,150
- Bam!
- Joy, listen.
61
00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,240
I've been waiting for a time
to bring this up...
62
00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:11,250
that wasn't premenstrual,
menstrual or postmenstrual.
63
00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:13,250
But I think I'm just gonna jump in.
64
00:03:13,350 --> 00:03:15,320
Why do you always have to say
those kinda things?
65
00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:19,520
Oh, here we go-
always stickin' up for nearsighted babies.
66
00:03:19,630 --> 00:03:22,930
It's not just nearsighted babies.
You say mean things about everybody.
67
00:03:23,030 --> 00:03:24,590
It's not mean if people laugh at it.
68
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:27,430
What about when they cry at it,
like Eugenia did yesterday?
69
00:03:27,530 --> 00:03:30,940
She set me up. She said she thought
she could be a plus-size model.
70
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,910
I had to say, "Yeah. Plus-size model home."
[Snickers]
71
00:03:34,010 --> 00:03:36,270
- Joy-
- One person cried. Six people laughed.
72
00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:38,240
That's all I'm sayin'.
73
00:03:38,350 --> 00:03:40,140
[Earl Narrating]
The next day, me and Randy...
74
00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:42,720
drove over to Mrs. Weezmer's house
so I could have tea with her.
75
00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:45,380
Come on, Randy. I need you in there to keep
the conversation poppin'.
76
00:03:45,490 --> 00:03:49,150
You like talkin'
about the same things old ladies do...
77
00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,750
like socks and joint pain.
78
00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:55,190
That reminds me. Last week, my sleepin' socks
came out of the dryer so damn fluffy...
79
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:57,200
my knees didn't hurt all day.
80
00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:59,420
See? This is great stuff. She'll eat it up.
81
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:03,090
No, she won't. 'Cause I'm not goin' in there.
It's suicide.
82
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,430
She'll lop off your head
and make pudding out of your blood...
83
00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:07,440
and trick people like me into eatin' it.
84
00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,440
And I'll do it, Earl, because I love pudding.
85
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:12,410
Even if she doesn't give me a spoon.
I don't care. I'll find a way.
86
00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:14,410
Fine. I'll go by myself.
87
00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:16,910
I'll see you in an hour,
'cause my head will still be on.
88
00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:22,890
[Earl Narrating]
When I was a kid...
89
00:04:22,990 --> 00:04:26,450
there was no way I'd have been caught dead
having tea with Griselda Weezmer.
90
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,890
But as a grown man,
I saw that I misjudged her.
91
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,160
Sure, she was a little odd.
92
00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:34,170
These are my mother's teeth.
93
00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:36,960
Okay, a lot odd, but she was harmless.
94
00:04:37,070 --> 00:04:40,530
Your mom's teeth, huh?
Well, that's quite a-
95
00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:43,340
[Thud]
96
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,240
Rise and shine.
97
00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:57,260
What- What-
What's goin'on, Griselda?
98
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:01,420
[Whimpers]
This is a little weird.
99
00:05:01,530 --> 00:05:03,960
Last week, I would've agreed with you.
100
00:05:04,060 --> 00:05:07,660
Truth is, I haven't thought about
what you did in years.
101
00:05:07,770 --> 00:05:10,030
But your big apology brought it all back.
102
00:05:10,140 --> 00:05:13,830
- In-In a good way?
- No.
103
00:05:13,940 --> 00:05:18,210
And then I got thinking about all the other
things that people have done to me-
104
00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:22,610
that angry mob that tried
to drown me in the lake to see if I'd float.
105
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,950
L-I didn't have anything to do with that.
106
00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:27,990
I was just drinkin' beers
and watchin' from a houseboat.
107
00:05:28,090 --> 00:05:31,750
And then yesterday when you
went blabbing on, I thought...
108
00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:35,890
"Griselda, you know what you should do?
109
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,190
"Lure him to your house, drug him...
110
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,060
and then stick him in the basement."
111
00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:45,070
So that's just what I did.
[Chuckles]
112
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:48,230
Well, it worked. I'm totally freaked out.
113
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:51,140
This is a real pants crapper.
114
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,510
Uh, l-I guess we're even, huh?
115
00:05:53,610 --> 00:05:56,010
[Chuckles]
You little scamp.
116
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,310
You'll never see daylight again.
117
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,320
[Door Closes]
118
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,920
[Earl Narrating]
When I didn't come back out to the car...
119
00:06:06,030 --> 00:06:09,550
Randy worked up his nerve
to go knock on the crazy witch lady's door.
120
00:06:16,670 --> 00:06:18,760
Hello. I'm lookin' for my brother, Earl...
121
00:06:18,870 --> 00:06:20,900
or any parts of him
you haven't made into pudding.
122
00:06:21,010 --> 00:06:23,910
Oh, goodness. I didn't turn him into pudding.
123
00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:25,770
We just had some tea.
124
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,080
Now he's in the video game room,
playing with my wrestling action figures...
125
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,120
and watching naughty movies and-
126
00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,380
What other things do boys like you enjoy?
127
00:06:33,490 --> 00:06:35,850
Oh, I think you've hit everything
except for peanuts.
128
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,190
Oh, and there's a big bowl of peanuts.
129
00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:40,660
I'm comin' in.
130
00:06:46,670 --> 00:06:48,570
Randy!
131
00:06:53,210 --> 00:06:56,000
Come on, lady. Just-
Please let me and my brother go...
132
00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:58,580
and-and we'll forget all this ever happened.
133
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,410
Let you go? Oh, don't be silly.
134
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,580
I couldn't possibly. I'm having such fun.
135
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,310
You know what you could
have even more fun with? Money.
136
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:11,190
Oh, thank you, but no amount of money...
137
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:14,280
can beat the look of terror
in a fresh victim's eyes...
138
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,490
as he takes a header into the coffee table.
139
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:20,500
[Laughing]
Oh! The feeling is exquisite.
140
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,760
It's what I always imagined
an orgasm might be like.
141
00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,480
Poopie trim.
142
00:07:33,950 --> 00:07:36,070
Where am I?
143
00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,910
- Locked up in Mrs. Weezmer's basement.
- [Door Closes]
144
00:07:39,020 --> 00:07:43,890
Oh, no. We're gonna die, and it's gonna hurt.
145
00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:48,020
Well, I guess this is good-bye, head.
146
00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:50,030
Thanks for all your hard work.
147
00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:53,590
[Earl Narrating] Apparently, Mrs. Weezmer
had a reason to be mad at Randy too.
148
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,600
Few years ago, he'd come up with a plan...
149
00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:57,970
to get rid of the crazy witch lady
once and for all.
150
00:07:58,070 --> 00:08:00,670
[Screams]
151
00:08:00,770 --> 00:08:02,970
[Whimpers]
152
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,980
Why aren't you meltin'?
153
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,050
Come on! Melt, bitch!
154
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:09,270
Okay, so she's mad at both of us.
155
00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:14,150
Let's just stay calm
and-and think of a way out of this.
156
00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:16,150
[Exhales]
157
00:08:16,260 --> 00:08:18,950
[Water Dripping]
158
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,560
[Snorts, Gasps]
Sorry.
159
00:08:30,670 --> 00:08:34,160
I stopped breathing for a second there.
160
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,180
[Earl Narrating]
Meanwhile, aboveground...
161
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:41,440
Joy was still ticked off
that Darnell didn't think she was nice.
162
00:08:41,550 --> 00:08:44,880
Hey, loser. If you had
to describe me in one word-
163
00:08:44,990 --> 00:08:47,920
- Mean.
- Let me finish.
164
00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:51,420
And it couldn't be "hot." What word-
165
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:55,190
- Mean.
- Not "hilarious," huh?
166
00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:59,160
Okay.
167
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:01,170
Hey, here's one.
168
00:09:01,270 --> 00:09:04,330
If you had to describe Darnell in one word...
169
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,370
and it couldn't be "black,"
what word would you use?
170
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,470
Hmm.
171
00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:12,940
Can't use "black," huh?
172
00:09:13,050 --> 00:09:15,110
[Sighs]
That's a toughie.
173
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,340
Okay. How about "nice"?
174
00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:20,540
No. I'm gonna go with "great."
Or "marvelous."
175
00:09:20,650 --> 00:09:25,220
I'm really goin' back and forth
between "great," "marvelous" and "nice."
176
00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:28,350
All right, fine. You can use "black."
177
00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:31,060
[Earl Narrating] After an hour of trying
to come up with an escape plan...
178
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,060
Randy thought he had something.
179
00:09:33,170 --> 00:09:35,070
Step one, we catch a mouse.
180
00:09:35,170 --> 00:09:37,860
Step two, we teach him sign language.
181
00:09:37,970 --> 00:09:41,600
Step three, we throw him
as hard as we can up that chimney.
182
00:09:41,710 --> 00:09:44,640
- [Footsteps, Muffled Chattering]
- Someone's up there.
183
00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:48,150
- We should yell for help.
- Okay. Let's yell- on three.
184
00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:50,980
- [Together] One, two-
- [Door Opens]
185
00:09:54,150 --> 00:09:56,280
- Damn it.
- [Door Closes]
186
00:09:56,390 --> 00:09:58,820
Since when does everybody like tea?
187
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,060
So you're telling me her M.O.
Is to kidnap people she wants revenge on?
188
00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:10,970
Yeah, but she's not just goin' after mos.
She's takin' straight guys too.
189
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:15,270
This is crazy. I've never even seen this woman
before, let alone done anything to her.
190
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:17,280
And I'm sure you haven't either.
191
00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:20,950
[Earl Narrating]
Kenny shouldn't have been so sure.
192
00:10:21,050 --> 00:10:24,740
My fault? How could this
possibly be my fault?
193
00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,910
Look, ma'am, I don't want to offend you...
194
00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:28,920
but, uh, you fit a certain profile...
195
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,250
that we in law enforcement call a "wack job."
196
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,090
But I'm not hurting anybody.
197
00:10:33,190 --> 00:10:35,420
Yes, but you're different, and that's bad.
198
00:10:35,530 --> 00:10:39,160
I mean, we all have parts of ourselves
that are wrong and weird and shameful...
199
00:10:39,270 --> 00:10:42,720
but it's our responsibility
to bury those parts very deeply...
200
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,360
and go bowling with our straight friends.
201
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,700
- [Police Radio Chatter]
- Good day, madam.
202
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,980
Don't give me that look.
You are turning into your mother.
203
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,850
[Earl]
Guys, blaming each other isn't gonna help us.
204
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:03,890
You were a cop.
How do people get out of this kind of thing?
205
00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:09,220
Oh, they don't. We used to find mutilated
skeletons chained up in basements all the time.
206
00:11:09,330 --> 00:11:11,960
We never saved a single person.
207
00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:15,300
- [Sobs]
- No tears.
208
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,370
We've got to be strong, bear cub.
209
00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,940
[Sobbing]
210
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,910
[Sobbing]
211
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,780
[Sobbing]
212
00:11:30,180 --> 00:11:32,150
[Sobbing]
213
00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:34,720
[All Sobbing]
214
00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:42,330
[Earl Narrating]
Back at the Crab Shack...
215
00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:45,990
Joy was gettin'desperate to prove
she was as good a person as Darnell.
216
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:50,500
See, what people don't realize is
I got tons of, like, secret inner niceness.
217
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,060
Well, niceness really is best
when no one ever gets to see it.
218
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:58,380
You're just tryin' to get me
to snap at you, but I won't...
219
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,910
because I am full of super niceness.
220
00:12:03,420 --> 00:12:05,040
How can I help-
221
00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:07,710
Aaah! Witch!
222
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,620
- Sorry. Hello.
- Pardon me, dear.
223
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:15,350
I wondered if you could
come to my house and do me a favor.
224
00:12:17,730 --> 00:12:21,390
Of course I will do you a favor,
ghoulish old lady.
225
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,660
[Chuckles]
226
00:12:23,770 --> 00:12:26,000
[Loudly]
Because I am a nice person...
227
00:12:26,110 --> 00:12:28,470
and favors are what nice people do.
228
00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:38,610
Oh, my God. It's Joy.
229
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:43,310
This one's nasty. She took a swipe at me
on her way to the floor.
230
00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:46,090
[Earl Narrating]
I wasn't surprised to seeJoy.
231
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:49,180
A few years ago, somebody told her
it was good luck to push over a witch.
232
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:53,390
#Must be the season
of the witch #
233
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:57,100
- # Must be the season of the witch ##
- [Laughing]
234
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,230
Idiots. Idiots.
If just one of you butt nuts...
235
00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:03,330
had been man enough to stop the biddy,
she never would've gotten to me.
236
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,670
What are you, just down here
waitin' to starve to death?
237
00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:08,010
No, Joy. We tried screamin'.
238
00:13:08,110 --> 00:13:11,280
And Randy's got a great mouse plan
we can pull out if we ever see one.
239
00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,910
If you have a better idea,
we'd love to hear it.
240
00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:17,050
Nope. Seems like you guys covered
every reasonable base.
241
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,850
All that's left for me
is to be an idiot and call 911.
242
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,330
- She's got a cell phone. She's got a cell phone!
- [Beeping]
243
00:13:22,430 --> 00:13:24,620
- Can I check my e-mail?
- Kenny!
244
00:13:24,730 --> 00:13:27,760
This is what I was talking about.
You have a media disease.
245
00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:31,330
What the hell?
They put me through to voice mail.
246
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,840
Oh, yeah. It's 3:30 on a Friday.
247
00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:37,140
Sharon's probably knocked off for the weekend.
Her boyfriend's got a house on Lake Wheeler.
248
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,510
I'm callin' Darnell. He was a government
assassin, and he takes vitamins.
249
00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:43,810
You might want to watch and see how
a real man handles this kind of thing.
250
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,320
[Door Opens]
251
00:13:46,420 --> 00:13:48,050
- [Cell Phone Ringing: Funk]
- [Door Closes]
252
00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:51,060
- [Funk Ringtone Continues]
- [Line Ringing]
253
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:55,620
- Crap!
- Hey, that sack has the same ringtone as Darnell.
254
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,890
I wouldn't drink the tea, so she whacked me
in the head with a giant ceramic rooster.
255
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,560
Wait a second. If you're here, you must've
done something nasty to the old biddy too.
256
00:14:06,670 --> 00:14:10,470
[Laughs] See, y'all?
Mr. Perfect can be just as mean as anybody.
257
00:14:10,580 --> 00:14:13,410
Who's the black calling the kettle pot now?
Tell what you did.
258
00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:16,810
Actually-
259
00:14:21,290 --> 00:14:23,720
Hey, Darnell, you see that lady over there?
260
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,830
- Which lady?
- That crazy lady over there.
261
00:14:27,930 --> 00:14:30,450
- Which lady?
- That lady.
262
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,260
- Which lady?
- That lady.
263
00:14:33,370 --> 00:14:35,560
Which lady?
264
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:46,440
Son of a bitch, Darnell.
It's like I married Jesus' nicer brother.
265
00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:48,450
Makes me wanna kill somebody.
266
00:14:48,550 --> 00:14:51,020
Let's start with the woman that locked us up.
267
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,020
Hey, that's a good idea.
I learned on the force...
268
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,420
that if you punch an old person's head
from the correct angle...
269
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,750
their skull pretty much turns to powder.
270
00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:00,620
Let's do this!
271
00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:02,720
- [Footsteps]
- She's coming.
272
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:04,730
Tell me the angle! Tell me the angle!
273
00:15:04,830 --> 00:15:07,200
- Oh, hi, everybody.
- Catalina.
274
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,360
How'd you find us?
275
00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,960
No, no, no, no!
Cat-Catalina, what are you doin'?
276
00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:16,100
Mrs. Weezmer lured me over here
and tried to drug me...
277
00:15:16,210 --> 00:15:18,800
but I've had so many roofies
slipped in my drinks over the years...
278
00:15:18,910 --> 00:15:20,810
I've developed quite a tolerance.
279
00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:24,540
She was trying so hard,
and she looks a little like my aunt.
280
00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:26,550
Anyway, here I am.
281
00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:30,750
[Earl Narrating] LikeJoy, Catalina had grown up
with a lot of superstitions about witches.
282
00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,490
And just when the little blind boy
turned to the tree...
283
00:15:33,590 --> 00:15:36,820
and said,
"Mommy, why is the floor so cold?"...
284
00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:39,730
the frozen lake cracked under him...
285
00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:41,730
and he drowned.
286
00:15:41,830 --> 00:15:45,000
Oh. That is so sad.
287
00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:50,070
I did it! I captured the tear of a witch!
288
00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:52,740
I shall live forever!
289
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,970
[Door Opens]
290
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,910
Seriously, what the hell's
with stickin' people in burlap sacks...
291
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,920
before you kick 'em down the stairs?
292
00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:04,350
It's more dramatic.
293
00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:09,450
She's right. It is dramatic.
294
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,430
No. I never did anything bad to her.
295
00:16:13,530 --> 00:16:15,500
The old bitch is just crazy.
296
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,000
I can't tell you the number of times
I've been out working...
297
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,540
and she's been standin' there
just staring at me.
298
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,370
It's creepy is what it is.
[Sighs]
299
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,710
And she wonders why
I took Dad's side in the divorce.
300
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,340
Oh. Yeah. She's my mom.
301
00:16:31,450 --> 00:16:34,850
- Hookers have moms?
- Mmm.
302
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:39,620
Patricia! As long as you are under my roof-
and my kitchen floor-
303
00:16:39,730 --> 00:16:41,850
there will be no smoking in this house.
304
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,290
What are you gonna do- ground me?
305
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,990
If grounding worked, you wouldn't be
sleeping with men for money...
306
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,040
and food and gasoline.
307
00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:52,040
Now, what was I here for?
308
00:16:52,140 --> 00:16:54,160
Oh, yes. I'm gonna kill one of you.
309
00:16:54,270 --> 00:16:55,830
- [Kenny Whimpers]
- What?
310
00:16:55,940 --> 00:17:00,850
L-I have a lot more people to kidnap
and we're running out of space.
311
00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:04,540
Um, now, I'm not a monster.
312
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:06,710
I'm gonna let you folks
decide which one of you...
313
00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:11,150
I stab and stab and stab until you're dead.
314
00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:13,890
[Giggling]
315
00:17:13,990 --> 00:17:16,050
- Not it!
- [Door Closes]
316
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,150
Good luck, suckers.
317
00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:26,460
[Earl Narrating] It's bad enough
being kidnapped and chained in a basement...
318
00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:29,870
but when the kidnapper tells you
to pick somebody to get stabbed...
319
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,500
relationships show the strain pretty fast.
320
00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:35,380
Everybody calm down.
We gotta figure out what to do here.
321
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,780
We know what to do.
We decide who'll be missed the least...
322
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,790
and the rest of us just
get on with our lives and never look back.
323
00:17:40,890 --> 00:17:42,580
Good idea. I say we give her the bitch.
324
00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:44,350
You better be talkin' about your boyfriend.
325
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:46,820
See? That's the kind
of mindless hate speech...
326
00:17:46,930 --> 00:17:49,020
that proves the world
will be better off without you.
327
00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:52,530
But if I don't get the votes for that,
I say we snuff the whore.
328
00:17:52,630 --> 00:17:54,960
- Why me?
- Hookers are killed every day.
329
00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:58,040
Face it. You're livin' on borrowed time.
330
00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:00,110
Darnell, you're a nice guy.
331
00:18:00,210 --> 00:18:02,540
Why don't you just volunteer to be killed?
332
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,540
Look, I'll give you a ride to the airport,
but I'm not dying for you.
333
00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:10,980
Nobody's gonna die, Darnell. She's just
gonna stab and stab and stab one of us until-
334
00:18:12,150 --> 00:18:15,210
Oh, wait. Oh, no. Oh, my God.
335
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,980
Okay. New front-runner- the dumb guy.
336
00:18:18,090 --> 00:18:21,320
Of course. The dumb guy.
Why didn't we think of it before?
337
00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:24,620
If we lie to him, he won't realize
what's happening until it's too late.
338
00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,060
I heard that!
You burn in hell, stripper!
339
00:18:27,170 --> 00:18:29,570
All right, stop!
Look what we're doin' to each other.
340
00:18:29,670 --> 00:18:32,430
It's exactly what we did to Mrs. Weezmer.
341
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:34,440
Again, never did anything to her.
342
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:36,440
Totally innocent and still might die.
343
00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:38,600
- Welcome to being gay.
- Don't you see?
344
00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:40,610
We labeled her as the crazy witch lady...
345
00:18:40,710 --> 00:18:42,770
and now we're labeling each other-
346
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:46,010
the bitch, the nice guy,
the gay guys, the stripper.
347
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,950
- Friggin' karma zombie.
- Okay. That too.
348
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,620
But maybe this is what
karma wants us to learn.
349
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,320
Look, guys, when you label somebody...
350
00:18:54,430 --> 00:18:56,360
you stop seein' them as a real person...
351
00:18:56,460 --> 00:18:59,520
and suddenly you can do
all kinds of terrible things to 'em.
352
00:18:59,630 --> 00:19:04,470
And pretty soon, they stop
seein'themselves as a real person too.
353
00:19:04,570 --> 00:19:06,440
They just turn into that label.
354
00:19:06,540 --> 00:19:08,440
Yeah, so Mrs. Weezmer acted crazy.
355
00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:10,940
But after 20 years
of people treatin' her the way we did...
356
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,840
can you blame her?
357
00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:15,140
Earl.
358
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:21,440
M-Mrs. Weezmer,
we're all real sorry for what we did.
359
00:19:21,550 --> 00:19:23,780
Do you mean that?
360
00:19:23,890 --> 00:19:26,480
- Yeah. Really.
- Uh-huh.
361
00:19:26,590 --> 00:19:28,490
Yeah, and if you're gonna
kill someone, kill me.
362
00:19:28,590 --> 00:19:31,530
But-But I know you won't,
'cause you're not really crazy.
363
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:35,230
We drove you to act like this
because of what we did.
364
00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:39,900
It's okay. It's all okay now.
365
00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:46,500
Oh, God! Crazy witch lady stabbed me!
366
00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:49,140
It hurts so much!
367
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,750
- [Yelps]
- [Body Thuds]
368
00:19:53,850 --> 00:19:56,650
- Sorry, Mom!
- Collect her tears!
369
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,690
We can all live forever!
370
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:01,090
- [Chains Clattering]
- [Body Thuds] Uh!
371
00:20:01,190 --> 00:20:03,790
[Earl Narrating]
Turns out Mrs. Weezmer was crazy.
372
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,830
And so the courts placed her in a home
for the mentally frazzled...
373
00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:10,870
where they could give her
the help and care she needed to get well.
374
00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:13,560
And we all found ourselves
making a little extra effort...
375
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,730
not to let other people's labels
define who we were.
376
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,540
Joy did what she could to show Darnell
she really could be nice.
377
00:20:20,650 --> 00:20:25,380
Here's some sugar peas for my sugar pea.
Hope you enjoy it.
378
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,250
And Darnell knewJoy would be happier...
379
00:20:27,350 --> 00:20:29,910
if she didn't always feel like
she was married to a saint.
380
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,790
Bitch! You know I hate peas!
381
00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:34,990
[Plate Shatters]
382
00:20:35,090 --> 00:20:37,690
Thanks, baby. That's all I need.
383
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,270
Just act like a mean bastard
every once in a while.
384
00:20:40,370 --> 00:20:42,300
#I want you tojoin together
with the band #
385
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,730
[Earl Narrating]
And I decided to spend the day relaxing...
386
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,470
and show that I wasn't
always just that guy with the karma list.
387
00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:49,470
#Don't go in any particular direction #
388
00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:51,770
#And we don't make no collections #
389
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,400
#I want you tojoin together#
390
00:20:54,510 --> 00:20:56,500
And Randy got himself
a "word of the day"calendar...
391
00:20:56,620 --> 00:20:59,410
so he could show people
he wasn't always dumb.
392
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:03,420
You know, Earl, this beer
obviates the need to go to the Crab Shack.
393
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,420
"Obviate."
394
00:21:06,930 --> 00:21:09,900
And Patty? Well, Patty
was called a lot of things...
395
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,830
but the one label she never
really lived up to was "daughter."
396
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:14,830
She decided to fix that.
397
00:21:14,930 --> 00:21:18,930
And after Mrs. Weezmer spent some time being
seen as a mom instead of a crazy witch lady-
398
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,130
- [Woman] Hi, Mrs. Weezmer.
- she was well enough to come home.
399
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,900
#There's a million ways to laugh #
400
00:21:23,010 --> 00:21:24,440
Oh, hey!
401
00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:27,410
#Every one's a path #
402
00:21:27,510 --> 00:21:32,140
And that gave us a chance to treat her
like a person- with no labels at all.
403
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:34,380
Which meant I could finally
cross her off my list.
404
00:21:36,390 --> 00:21:38,410
I'll do it later.
405
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,580
#Join together with the band ##