1
00:00:01,950 --> 00:00:04,410
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:08,010
[Earl Narrating] Most people only
go to church on Christmas and Easter.
3
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:10,380
We're all usually too hungover to go.
4
00:00:10,490 --> 00:00:13,750
But we always try to make it
when they have cheap food and games.
5
00:00:14,990 --> 00:00:17,290
[Slurred Voice]
Hey, dum-dums. I'm hungers.
6
00:00:17,390 --> 00:00:19,620
Uh, me and Randy were eating that.
7
00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:22,560
You'll have to excuseJoy.
She hasn't been winning any prizes.
8
00:00:22,670 --> 00:00:25,570
The only booth she's doing well at
is the wine tasting one.
9
00:00:25,670 --> 00:00:29,570
How are you supposed to win anything
when the church has Jesus on their side?
10
00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:32,470
I mean, you don't think he's the one
bouncing those ping-pong balls...
11
00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:35,200
off the rims of the goldfish bowls?
12
00:00:35,310 --> 00:00:38,800
I won two games
and the grand prize in the raffle-
13
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,480
A.M. -F.M. Radio headphones.
14
00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:45,820
Well, congratulations, Slutty Gonzalez.
15
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,790
You can listen to the radio on the bus.
16
00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:52,120
- We have a car.
- Okay, it's time to go.
17
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,720
- Okay, fine. Give me the keys.
- No.
18
00:00:55,830 --> 00:00:57,890
You've had 25 Dixie cups of wine.
19
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,340
Some of those I threw up.
Now, give me the keys.
20
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:02,840
No.
21
00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:06,240
I hate you. I'm walking.
22
00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:08,810
Very well, then.
23
00:01:08,910 --> 00:01:13,580
These are the days I'm actually glad
you stole her away from me, Crabman.
24
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,780
I'm glad every day.
25
00:01:15,890 --> 00:01:20,190
[Earl Narrating]Joy's shoe was the first thing
she lost on her drunk walk home.
26
00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:22,260
The second was her mind.
27
00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:28,630
Whoo-hoo!
[Laughing]
28
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## [Headphones: Pop]
29
00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:46,150
Oh, snap.
30
00:01:47,820 --> 00:01:49,720
I killed her!
31
00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:53,310
[Earl Narrating]Joy panicked
and made a beeline to an abandoned shed.
32
00:01:53,420 --> 00:01:55,860
Well, a beeline if the bee was drunk.
33
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,720
- Oh!
- [Gasps]
34
00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:01,320
- Oh, thank God. I thought you were dead.
- [Engine Shuts Off]
35
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And what if I was?
36
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You were just gonna leave my body
to lay here and rot in some dirty shed?
37
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,300
No!
38
00:02:09,410 --> 00:02:14,040
I was gonna pull out all your teeth
and just light everything on fire.
39
00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:17,440
But I don't have to do that now
because you're alive.
40
00:02:17,550 --> 00:02:21,250
So now this will just be
a funny story we tell people.
41
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:24,980
Yeah, it's a real funny story
I can't wait to tell the police.
42
00:02:25,090 --> 00:02:27,320
[Grunting]
Damn it.
43
00:02:27,420 --> 00:02:29,480
Move this thing back so I can get out.
44
00:02:29,590 --> 00:02:32,590
I got two kids and two strikes.
45
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:34,600
I can't go to jail.
46
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:36,260
Joy.
47
00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:40,240
You can scream all you want to,
but nobody's gonna hear you.
48
00:02:43,470 --> 00:02:46,670
Joy!
49
00:02:46,780 --> 00:02:48,970
Okay. That was a lie.
50
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,070
I heard you...
51
00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:54,620
but that's just because I was pretty close
to the shed when you were screaming.
52
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,880
So what I should've said
is you can scream all you want...
53
00:02:57,990 --> 00:02:59,890
and nobody's gonna hear you...
54
00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:02,020
except for me when I'm walking away...
55
00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:05,190
and once I'm far enough away,
I won't hear you anymore.
56
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,020
That is a more accurate statement...
57
00:03:07,130 --> 00:03:11,630
about who will and will not
hear your screaming.
58
00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:17,940
- [Door Closes]
- [Whimpers]
59
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,940
That psychic was right.
60
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,500
I am gonna die in a shack,
pinned to the wall by a lawn mower.
61
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:29,370
[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy promised each
other after we lost 50 bucks at the can toss...
62
00:03:29,490 --> 00:03:32,750
we'd walk away, so we did.
63
00:03:32,860 --> 00:03:35,650
Hey, Earl.
Does that guy look familiar to you?
64
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,730
Come on! It's for a good cause!
65
00:03:37,830 --> 00:03:41,630
Give back to your community
and take a shot at Satan!
66
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,300
Yo, man! You gotta warn me!
67
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,130
[Man]
Three for a dollar.
68
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,260
[Earl Narrating]
Randy was right to think he looked familiar.
69
00:03:49,370 --> 00:03:51,810
He was number 35 on my list.
70
00:03:51,910 --> 00:03:54,540
A few years back, me and Randy
heard you could make a fortune...
71
00:03:54,650 --> 00:03:56,770
selling organs on the black market.
72
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,610
At the time, we didn't know
they were talking about livers and stuff.
73
00:04:03,590 --> 00:04:08,120
Hello, sir. We're here to pick up the organ
for routine maintenance.
74
00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:10,190
We're trustworthy.
75
00:04:11,430 --> 00:04:13,860
- Come on, Randy.
- I don't know, Earl.
76
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,730
He's a man of God, which means he can
summon the creatures of the Earth to attack us.
77
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,600
You keep saying that, Randy,
but if I remember correctly...
78
00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:24,330
that theory was given to you by a cricket
when you were drunk.
79
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,070
Besides, I'm a man of karma.
80
00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:30,310
I have to trust that it's telling me
the right thing to do.
81
00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:32,380
Come on, gentlemen!
Like to take a shot for a dollar?
82
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,710
Depends. Who's that supposed to be?
83
00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:36,880
Are you serious? It's the devil.
84
00:04:36,990 --> 00:04:39,150
Hmm. I always thought he'd be taller.
85
00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:43,190
Reverend,
l-I'm just gonna cut to the chase here.
86
00:04:43,290 --> 00:04:47,660
I stole your organ. We-We both did, actually.
87
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,960
Thanks, Earl.
He usually doesn't give me credit.
88
00:04:51,070 --> 00:04:54,630
[Earl Narrating] So I told him all about
my list and how I turned my life around...
89
00:04:54,740 --> 00:04:57,640
and then I learned that me and the reverend
weren't that different.
90
00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:00,370
I've been there before.
91
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,110
They used to call me Hash Brown.
92
00:05:03,210 --> 00:05:06,980
I used to roam the streets of Camden,
waiting for somebody to look at me wrong...
93
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,210
just so I could grind their face up
like some hash browns.
94
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,690
Anyway, I was a pretty bad dude.
95
00:05:13,790 --> 00:05:15,690
[Earl Narrating]
Turns out shooting at the devil...
96
00:05:15,790 --> 00:05:18,690
- wasn't the first time the reverend had used a gun.
- [Gunfire]
97
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,760
- [People Screaming]
- Now, I'll ask you one more time.
98
00:05:20,860 --> 00:05:25,030
Is my niece Kiki invited
to your daughter's birthday party?
99
00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:28,570
So I know what it's like
to get your life back on track.
100
00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:31,470
Let us pray.
101
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:35,480
Heavenly Father, thank you for providing me
with this test of forgiveness...
102
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,550
so I can prove my services to you.
103
00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:40,380
- Amen.
- [Together] Amen.
104
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,850
And don't worry. I can get that organ back
from the people I sold it to.
105
00:05:43,950 --> 00:05:47,550
I hear it survived the Camden circus fire
in perfect condition.
106
00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:49,590
Clowns tried to put that fire out...
107
00:05:49,690 --> 00:05:53,560
but all they had was confetti in their buckets,
and that just made it worse.
108
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:56,600
They thought they were gonna be heroes.
109
00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:59,760
[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy weren't
the only ones trying to fix mistakes.
110
00:05:59,870 --> 00:06:02,530
Hi, girlfriend. How'd you sleep?
111
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,470
Pinned to the wall, you bitch.
112
00:06:05,580 --> 00:06:07,980
Still a little upset. Understandable.
113
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,910
You haven't eaten in a day.
Brought you some snacks.
114
00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:15,470
- Forgot the drink though.
- How thoughtful.
115
00:06:16,850 --> 00:06:20,480
So, have you changed your mind
about calling the cops?
116
00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:22,790
Hell, no.
117
00:06:22,890 --> 00:06:26,230
Is it because I forgot the drink?
I'll be back.
118
00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:28,460
Oh, please don't leave me here again, Joy.
119
00:06:28,570 --> 00:06:30,800
I won't call the police. I promise.
120
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,230
Joy!
121
00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:37,100
- Joy!
- [Door Closes]
122
00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:38,830
[Earl Narrating]
Me and Randy returned the organ...
123
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:40,840
and cleared the burnt
clown confetti out of the pipes.
124
00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:44,310
- Do it again, Earl.
- All right. One more time.
125
00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:45,970
## [Sustained Note]
126
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,140
[Chanting]
# My name is Randy Hickey #
127
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:54,660
#And I love to smell my shoes #
128
00:06:55,690 --> 00:07:05,620
#Amen ##
129
00:07:05,740 --> 00:07:09,040
- Hallelujah! Life is good.
- ## [Fades]
130
00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:12,700
The guy who plays Satan in my shooting gallery
dropped the lawsuit...
131
00:07:12,810 --> 00:07:14,940
and now the church's organ is back.
132
00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:17,450
- Earl, I think we're all settled up.
- Awesome.
133
00:07:17,550 --> 00:07:21,140
'Cause Randy had sort of worn out
the "Earl, stop playing with your organ"jokes.
134
00:07:21,250 --> 00:07:23,720
It's funny.
135
00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:27,150
Anyway, I'll just grab my tools and be on my way.
136
00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:29,820
Hold on a second. These are my tools.
137
00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:32,950
- Where'd you buy these?
- Wait. These are your tools?
138
00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:35,620
They have my initials on 'em.
139
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:42,200
Look, l-I could lie to you,
and I kinda want to...
140
00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:44,770
'cause you already had to forgive me once...
141
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,740
but, well, it looks like
you're on my list twice.
142
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,810
[Earl Narrating]
Back when I was a petty thief...
143
00:07:49,910 --> 00:07:54,080
I used to steal things that were, well, petty.
144
00:07:55,490 --> 00:07:57,040
Hey.
145
00:08:02,860 --> 00:08:05,290
And I used to do things
that were kinda petty too.
146
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,360
Randy, check this out.
147
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,200
Oh!
148
00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:14,200
[Tires Squealing]
149
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,400
- Let me out ofhere! Oh! Oh!
- [Liquid Gurgling]
150
00:08:17,510 --> 00:08:20,870
It landed door down. I had to kick
my way out through the emptying hatch.
151
00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:25,570
I swore whoever had done this,
I was gonna take 'em and put 'em six feet under.
152
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,520
But that was Hash Brown,
and he's dead to us, right?
153
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:32,350
- Right?
- Right.
154
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:35,390
Right. I'm different now.
155
00:08:35,490 --> 00:08:38,020
Let us pray!
156
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:44,730
- [Grunts]
- Dear Lord, thank you for this glorious test.
157
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,860
You're bringing it.
This is some good stuff. You are bringing it.
158
00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,600
[Grunts]
Squeezy hand. Hurts a little.
159
00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:53,680
Because, Lord,
you know what the old me would've done.
160
00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,540
First, I would've cut open the big one...
161
00:08:55,650 --> 00:08:57,910
then I would've knocked out the little one...
162
00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:01,420
then put the little one inside the big one,
then sewed up the big one.
163
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,450
Then I would've waited and listened
for the little one to scream...
164
00:09:04,550 --> 00:09:07,920
as he woke up inside his own brother.
165
00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:10,720
But not now, Lord. I've changed!
166
00:09:10,830 --> 00:09:12,950
Hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
167
00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:16,500
I'm a better man because of you, God.
168
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,090
Amen.
169
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,190
- I said amen.
- Amen.
170
00:09:23,370 --> 00:09:26,640
But don't worry, Reverend.
I'll make up for this too.
171
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,940
Earl, if you really wanna make it up...
172
00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:31,010
we need volunteers for Sunday's service.
173
00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:33,240
Of course. We'd love to.
174
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,480
Okay, promise me you won't be mad.
175
00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:42,960
- Joy!
- [Gasps]
176
00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:45,530
Oh, thank God, Crabman. Get me outta here.
177
00:09:45,630 --> 00:09:49,070
Your wife ran me over with this lawn mower
and has kept me pinned here for days.
178
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:51,600
- We have to call the police.
- See? I knew it!
179
00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,970
You lied to me!
You are gonna tell the cops.
180
00:09:54,070 --> 00:09:55,940
Of course I'm gonna tell the cops,
you lunatic.
181
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,530
- Liar!
- Lunatic!
182
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,840
Shut up, everybody.
Just shut up. I gotta think.
183
00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:04,810
I got two strikes. I can't go to jail
for the rest of my life, baby.
184
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,350
Damn it, Joy, I've used every trick I have to
keep you from getting that third strike.
185
00:10:08,450 --> 00:10:10,980
Framed Dodge's principal.
Free crabs for the Asian meter maid.
186
00:10:11,090 --> 00:10:12,990
Replaced the panda at the zoo.
187
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:15,220
You gotta start thinking
before you get thrown in the big house...
188
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:16,950
and I'm left raising the boys on my own.
189
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:20,430
If you don't move this lawn mower soon,
you're both going to jail.
190
00:10:20,530 --> 00:10:22,430
And I'm gonna sell my story to Hollywood...
191
00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:25,500
where they'll make a movie starring
J. Lo as me and Sally Struthers as you!
192
00:10:27,570 --> 00:10:31,700
I told you not to drive drunk, but no!
You couldn't listen to me.
193
00:10:31,810 --> 00:10:33,400
You just do whatever you want
whenever you want...
194
00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:35,980
'cause all that matters to you
is that you're happy.
195
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,810
Well, I hope you're happy now,
'cause we're gonna have to kill her.
196
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,580
- What?
- What?
197
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,980
Darnell, I know I said I wanted your help,
but we can't kill her.
198
00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:50,890
Maybe we can cut out her tongue,
but we can't kill her.
199
00:10:50,990 --> 00:10:54,230
There's nothing we could say to her
to convince her not to go to the cops.
200
00:10:54,330 --> 00:10:57,930
I was taught a very specific moral hierarchy:
God, family, country.
201
00:10:58,030 --> 00:11:01,060
Strippers who threaten my wife appear nowhere
on this list. We've got no other choice.
202
00:11:01,170 --> 00:11:03,570
- We have to kill her.
- Do I have a say in this?
203
00:11:03,670 --> 00:11:06,610
- No.
- But we've been friends for almost 10 years.
204
00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:09,510
And I like you, but I've killed people
I've liked way more than you.
205
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,550
Darnell, I came to you for help
because you're always the voice of reason.
206
00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:19,450
And I still am. Now, you need to shut your hole
and start digging one.
207
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,590
[Earl Narrating] When I agreed to help
with the Sunday service...
208
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:28,320
I thought I'd be handing out the crackers.
209
00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:29,560
I was wrong.
210
00:11:29,670 --> 00:11:31,570
- Forgiveness!
- ## [Organ]
211
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:33,570
- [Man] Yes, Lord.
- [Congregation Murmuring]
212
00:11:33,670 --> 00:11:35,570
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
213
00:11:35,670 --> 00:11:38,470
It's a easy thing to say,
but it's a hard thing to do.
214
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:40,600
- Preach it! Preach!
- Meet my friend here.
215
00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:46,110
- Hi. My name is White.
- [Woman] Huh?
216
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,120
I mean Earl.
217
00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:51,650
Now, this man has done
some pretty terrible things to me.
218
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,950
Earl didn't have to come down here and confess,
but he did.
219
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:57,460
He told the truth and let it out...
220
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,500
- and I forgave him.
- Yes, Lord.
221
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,660
You see, that there is a twofold test
that God has laid before us.
222
00:12:03,770 --> 00:12:06,630
- Amen.
- Can you confess your sins...
223
00:12:06,740 --> 00:12:09,500
and can you forgive the sins of others?
224
00:12:09,610 --> 00:12:14,070
Now, you know that you done
done something to somebody.
225
00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:17,370
And you also know that somebody...
226
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,350
- has done something to you.
- [Man] Yes, Lord, yes.
227
00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:24,910
But what God is saying-
He-He wants you to let it out.
228
00:12:25,020 --> 00:12:28,790
He doesn't want you
to let it fester all in your gut...
229
00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:32,660
all in your soul,
down in your body, in your bones.
230
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,090
He wants you to let it out!
231
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,500
A lot of times,
when I ask people how they're doing...
232
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,800
I don't really listen to the answer.
233
00:12:41,910 --> 00:12:44,270
I forgive you. Do the church forgive her?
234
00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:46,000
[Congregation]
We forgive you.
235
00:12:46,110 --> 00:12:48,580
- I hate kids.
- Daddy?
236
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,170
I just love sex.
237
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,010
I forgive you. Do the church forgive him?
238
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,110
We forgive you.
239
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:58,980
I touched a boob on that statue outside.
240
00:12:59,090 --> 00:13:02,020
We forgive you.
241
00:13:02,130 --> 00:13:05,220
It is me who's been farting all service.
242
00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:06,820
We forgive you.
243
00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:08,860
I have something to confess.
244
00:13:08,970 --> 00:13:10,660
My lovely wife, Jackie.
245
00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:14,500
- I slept with Earl.
- You did what?
246
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,570
- [Congregation] We forgive you.
- No, shut up!
247
00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:19,900
You slept with my wife?
248
00:13:20,010 --> 00:13:21,910
Apparently so.
249
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,480
[Earl Narrating] About 10 years back,
me and Randy figured out...
250
00:13:24,580 --> 00:13:26,640
that prison is a great place to pick up chicks.
251
00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:29,310
You just had to do it right.
252
00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:31,910
Thank you so much
for getting me out of jail...
253
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:35,250
and back home to care
for my sad, lonely wife.
254
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,190
No need to thank me, son. That's what I do.
255
00:13:38,290 --> 00:13:40,390
I'm a prisoner's advocate.
256
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,830
There is one thing I don't understand.
257
00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:45,490
You are expensive because you are the best...
258
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,090
but how could my wife afford your services?
259
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,830
We are so poor.
260
00:13:50,940 --> 00:13:54,380
- She had relations with me.
Now, I know you must be mad.
- Nope.
261
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,450
I am so relieved to be out of prison
that I forgive her.
262
00:13:57,550 --> 00:14:01,920
In fact, I would be angry
if she had not done everything she could.
263
00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,250
- Thanks again.
- Enjoy your glorious freedom.
264
00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:10,720
Excuse me.
Can you really help get a prisoner released?
265
00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:13,490
I'll do my best.
266
00:14:14,530 --> 00:14:16,190
Well, you are kind of cute.
267
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,340
Good night, Eddy.
268
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,260
So, while I was in prison...
269
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,070
you were grinding on
Jeff Foxworthy over here?
270
00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:32,770
Reverend, uh, first of all,
thank you aboutJeff Foxworthy.
271
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,850
And regarding your wife,
if it makes you feel better...
272
00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:38,890
it only happened in your house once.
273
00:14:38,990 --> 00:14:40,890
- [Gasping]
- [Congregation Murmuring]
274
00:14:42,430 --> 00:14:44,790
Let us pray.
275
00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:46,560
- O Lord-
- [Gasps]
276
00:14:46,660 --> 00:14:51,460
Please give me the strength to forgive
this lowlife piece of scum...
277
00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:55,440
because you know what Hash Brown
would've done to a man who stole his woman.
278
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:58,970
- Please give me the strength.
- You seem pretty strong to me.
279
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:02,310
O Lord, I think I'm failing this test.
280
00:15:02,410 --> 00:15:06,910
- Please help me, Lord.
- Yeah. Please do help him.
281
00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:10,750
Okay, Lord. I guess you want me to be Hash Brown.
That's why you're not helping me.
282
00:15:10,850 --> 00:15:13,580
Fine! You want me to be Hash Brown...
283
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:17,320
I'll be Hash Brown.
284
00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:18,920
[Congregation Gasps]
285
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,360
[Groans]
286
00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:26,600
You know, sometimes it's hard
to interpret God's-
287
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:29,260
- [Congregation Gasps]
- I didn't tell you to get up.
288
00:15:29,370 --> 00:15:31,640
[Earl Narrating]
He had turned into Hash Brown, all right...
289
00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:33,640
and notjust the violence.
290
00:15:33,740 --> 00:15:37,910
Lord, you're the one that convinced me
to stop selling crack.
291
00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:39,950
But the way I see it...
292
00:15:40,050 --> 00:15:42,520
you owe me 10 years of lost income...
293
00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:44,520
so I'm taking some stuff.
294
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:48,560
I'm taking this candlestick.
I could probably get something for this.
295
00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:51,650
This thing, uh-This is worth some money.
296
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,560
I'm also gonna take those coats
in the Lost and Found.
297
00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:56,660
And this!
298
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,370
Give me this!
299
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,340
Hash Brown is back!
300
00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:14,510
- Reverend Greene!
- Say another word, and I will kill you.
301
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:16,210
- But-
- I will kill you.
302
00:16:20,490 --> 00:16:23,690
Son of a bitch.
303
00:16:23,790 --> 00:16:26,990
[Earl Narrating] That truck was the last thing
I wanted to see at that moment...
304
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:30,360
because that meant the reverend
was on my list yet again.
305
00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:33,330
Number 172.
306
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,340
A while back, me and Randy
had snuck into a magic show...
307
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:40,140
and we were wowed by a trick
that involved catching a bullet in your hand.
308
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:44,270
Naturally, we decided to give it a shot,
after a case ofbeer.
309
00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:47,110
All right, Randy. Abracadabra.
310
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,110
Oh, crap.
311
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:52,650
I missed your hand
and blew out that guy's taillight.
312
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,750
Let's get out of here
before we get in trouble.
313
00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:58,390
Well, you didn't miss. I caught the bullet.
I can feel it in my hand.
314
00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:00,360
It's hot...
315
00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:02,290
and bloody.
316
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,890
Oh, God. Oh, God.
[Grunts]
317
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,560
Uh, Reverend, look. I know you said
you'd kill me if I said another word-
318
00:17:09,670 --> 00:17:11,470
Yup, and you just said about eight.
319
00:17:11,570 --> 00:17:15,640
[Earl Narrating] I was scared. Butjust
'cause the reverend had lost his faith in God...
320
00:17:15,750 --> 00:17:17,650
didn't mean I had lost my faith in karma.
321
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:21,080
A few years back I shot out
the taillight of your truck! Make it quick!
322
00:17:21,180 --> 00:17:23,740
You broke that taillight?
323
00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:27,120
[Earl Narrating] Reverend Greene got
pulled over for having a busted taillight...
324
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:31,160
but the cops forgot about that pretty quick
once they looked in the back ofhis truck.
325
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:35,490
AK-47 s, cop-killer bullets,
plastic explosives.
326
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,260
Fine. Those are all legal in this state.
327
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:40,430
But black market flu shots?
328
00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:42,870
I guess public safety means nothing to you.
329
00:17:42,970 --> 00:17:45,500
[Grunts]
330
00:17:45,610 --> 00:17:48,200
That night I got pulled over...
331
00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:50,910
I was supposed to meet up with my gang.
332
00:17:51,010 --> 00:17:55,510
We were selling some flu shots and some dynamite
to a Dominican gang with the sniffles.
333
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,780
But it all went bad.
334
00:17:57,890 --> 00:18:02,090
Somebody pulled a tissue,
and one of my guys thought it was a gun...
335
00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:03,820
and all hell broke loose.
336
00:18:03,930 --> 00:18:07,060
By the time the smoke cleared...
337
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,360
everybody in my crew was dead.
338
00:18:09,470 --> 00:18:11,300
L-I don't get it.
339
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,890
Earl, if you hadn't broken that taillight...
340
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,960
I would've ended up a dark blob
on a bunch of body parts and Dominican snot.
341
00:18:20,780 --> 00:18:25,010
All this time I've been thinking God
wanted me to forgive you for ruining my life...
342
00:18:25,110 --> 00:18:28,710
but what he wanted was me
to thank you for saving it.
343
00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:30,980
God, huh?
344
00:18:31,090 --> 00:18:33,820
What can you say about that guy?
Isn't he something?
345
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,960
Brothers and sisters, I'm sorry.
346
00:18:44,070 --> 00:18:46,060
[Together]
We forgive you.
347
00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:49,800
#Amazing grace #
348
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:53,870
# How sweet the sound #
349
00:18:53,980 --> 00:18:56,040
- ## [Continues]
- [Earl Narrating]
Me and the reverend had been tested...
350
00:18:56,150 --> 00:18:58,480
and, sure, he had strayed from his path...
351
00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:01,110
but that's the cool thing about having a path.
352
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:04,810
Even when you get lost, it's still there
waiting for you to find your way back.
353
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,080
# But now I'm found #
354
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:14,600
#Was blind, but now I see ##
355
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:18,160
#Amazing grace #
356
00:19:18,270 --> 00:19:21,460
# How sweet the sound #
357
00:19:21,570 --> 00:19:27,570
#That saved a wretch like me ##
358
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,650
I'm not doing this to scare you.
359
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,680
- I'm doing this so it will hurt less.
- Thank you.
360
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,110
You may wanna turn away.
361
00:19:37,650 --> 00:19:39,810
I do apologize for this.
362
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,580
I promise to put flowers
on your shallow, unmarked grave.
363
00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:47,190
Oh!
364
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,360
Joy!
365
00:19:52,470 --> 00:19:54,460
I couldn't let it happen.
366
00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:57,800
I want the Lifetime movie they make about me
to be for something good...
367
00:19:57,910 --> 00:20:00,900
not because I let my husband
murder an immigrant in a shed.
368
00:20:01,010 --> 00:20:02,570
[Engine Starts]
369
00:20:07,050 --> 00:20:09,540
You saved my life.
370
00:20:09,650 --> 00:20:13,450
Ah. Maybe as a thank-you,
you can tell the cops I'm headed to Mexico...
371
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:17,150
since I'm going to Canada,
our white neighbors to the north.
372
00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:20,890
How about as a thank-you,
I don't tell the cops anything at all?
373
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,970
Seriously?
374
00:20:23,070 --> 00:20:26,500
Anyone who gives their husband a concussion
to save me from getting my throat slit...
375
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,500
is okay by me.
376
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,660
That's why I'm still friends
with my bitchy cousin Judy.
377
00:20:30,770 --> 00:20:35,010
I forgive you for all of this, Joy.
I forgive you.
378
00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:37,910
Thank you so much!
379
00:20:38,010 --> 00:20:39,710
[Sniffs]
Hmm.
380
00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:43,250
I knew if I ever hugged you, you were
gonna smell like burritos and stripper pole.
381
00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:47,950
Tease me all you want.
Now I know you love me.