1
00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:05,030
[Earl Narrating]
Every year, Dodge's school had a day...
2
00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:07,690
where a few of the parents
came in and talked about their careers.
3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:12,600
They called it Career Day. This year
was Darnell's turn, and he was a little nervous.
4
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:16,660
"When you work at a seafood restaurant,
you have to go to the fish market every morning.
5
00:00:16,770 --> 00:00:18,670
"The high-end sushi establishments...
6
00:00:18,770 --> 00:00:21,370
get there at 5:00 a.m.
To purchase the best crabs."
7
00:00:23,510 --> 00:00:26,380
"Your all-you-can-eat seafood buffets and such...
8
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,970
arrive around 7:00
and select crabs like this one."
9
00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:31,910
Hmm.
10
00:00:32,020 --> 00:00:35,890
"I roll in around 11:30 and buy crabs like this."
11
00:00:40,890 --> 00:00:43,660
In conclusion,
crabs are as different as you and me.
12
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,060
That's why I like my job as the Crabman.
13
00:00:46,170 --> 00:00:48,900
Oh. And I used to work for a clandestine
government agency.
14
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,560
I'm the only reason
you kids aren't speaking Russian right now.
15
00:00:51,670 --> 00:00:54,640
- What did you think?
- I learned a lot.
16
00:00:54,740 --> 00:00:57,680
I didn't know there were crabs
that looked like that first one.
17
00:00:57,780 --> 00:01:00,340
- I thought it was too long.
- [Earl] Don't be offended, Darnell.
18
00:01:00,450 --> 00:01:03,350
- [Beeping]
- Randy's wearing a watch
for the first time in his life.
19
00:01:03,450 --> 00:01:06,780
- He's been timing everything.
- I got it from some old guy at the Crab Shack...
20
00:01:06,890 --> 00:01:08,880
that wanted to trade me for one of my molars.
21
00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:11,550
I really think I got the better end of the deal.
22
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:14,750
- The underpart of my tooth was all black,
and it smelled awful.
- [Door Opens]
23
00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:18,300
Baby, we gotta talk.
24
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,700
We got a little bit
of an awkward situation with Dodge.
25
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,070
- We should go.
- No, I need to talk to you too.
26
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:26,940
Dodge was too afraid to tell you, Darnell, but...
27
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,370
he wants his old daddy to go to Career Day.
28
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,640
Why would he want me?
I don't know anything about Darnell's job.
29
00:01:31,750 --> 00:01:34,270
Dodge said everybody else
is gonna have their real daddies there.
30
00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:38,040
Except for that kid with two mommies, but both
those mommies look more like daddies anyway.
31
00:01:38,150 --> 00:01:41,050
You still haven't told Dodge
I'm not his real father?
32
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,320
How can I? I tried to
give him a solid foundation in life, Earl.
33
00:01:44,430 --> 00:01:46,150
How can I go chopping away at it now...
34
00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:48,630
telling him it's all been
nothing but a web of lies?
35
00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:52,390
- We could try honesty.
- Honesty's what got your sister Pam killed.
36
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:53,930
That's true.
37
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,260
Come on, Earl.
38
00:01:56,370 --> 00:01:58,360
You gotta do this, period.
39
00:01:58,470 --> 00:02:00,940
- You owe Dodge.
- [Earl Narrating]Joy was right.
40
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,980
Number 174 on my list was
"Ruined Dodge's Career Day."
41
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,170
Back when I was still married toJoy,
I was one of the parents...
42
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,180
who went to speak about my career.
43
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,080
I am a world-famous, highly paid doctor.
44
00:02:13,190 --> 00:02:17,180
I make close to $27,000 a year.
45
00:02:17,290 --> 00:02:20,090
This over here is an X-ray machine.
46
00:02:20,190 --> 00:02:23,630
And this is an X-ray of my patient's tummy.
47
00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:29,370
Randy, I see the car and the yo-yo,
but where's the little LEGO construction guy?
48
00:02:29,470 --> 00:02:33,340
- I had a joke I was gonna tell.
- Sorry, Earl. I think he's still stuck right here.
49
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,640
Listen.
[Wheezing]
50
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,640
[Whistling Noise]
51
00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:41,440
[Woman On Walkie-talkie]
All units, hospital burglary reported.
52
00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:44,810
Suspects are two white males.
May be traveling with a stolen X-ray machine.
53
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:46,820
I think they're onto us, Earl.
54
00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:50,220
Stop!
55
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,320
Come back!
56
00:02:52,430 --> 00:02:54,550
- Aaah! Let me in! Let me in!
- Come here!
57
00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:57,390
[Groaning]
58
00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:00,620
[Giggling]
59
00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:07,230
Hi. I'm Billy's dad...
60
00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,240
and as you probably guessed, I'm a cop.
61
00:03:09,340 --> 00:03:11,240
[Earl]
Ow.
62
00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:13,910
My name is Earl.
63
00:03:16,420 --> 00:03:19,350
[Earl Narrating] I never really enjoyed
pretending to be Dodge's dad...
64
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:21,750
but it was a lot easier
than telling a little kid...
65
00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:25,690
that his real father was a random loser
from a RonnieJames Dio concert.
66
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,090
"Made fun of people with accents."
67
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,220
"Snatched a kid's Halloween candy...
68
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,390
when he came to my trailer to trick-or-treat."
69
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:36,230
[English Accent]
Excuse me, Mr. Hickey, but I believe that was me.
70
00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,860
Uh, the accent or the candy?
71
00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:42,030
Tell you what. Come see me after class.
72
00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:44,040
Any questions?
73
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,380
Dodge's mom is married to a black man.
I've seen him.
74
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,180
Where you going with this, sweetie?
75
00:03:51,290 --> 00:03:54,220
Why don't you have Dodge every weekend
like all the other divorced dads?
76
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:59,350
Because last weekend, Dodge came to my birthday
party, and the black guy dropped him off.
77
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:01,550
Why don't I live with you on weekends?
78
00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:05,190
- Don't you like me?
- Yeah! L-l-I like you. Of course.
79
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,700
Uh, l-I just don't want to
get in Darnell's way...
80
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,240
'cause he-he's your stepdad,
and he really, really likes you.
81
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:14,570
P- Plus, you already live with him.
82
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,240
So, maybe you should start, uh,
shifting your love in that direction.
83
00:04:19,110 --> 00:04:21,010
Burn.
84
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:24,320
Joy, this isn't fair to Dodge.
85
00:04:24,420 --> 00:04:26,440
He was embarrassed. I was embarrassed.
86
00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:29,280
You should be embarrassed.
Where'd you buy that sweater- "Jcrew"?
87
00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:34,190
I'm serious, Joy. You should've seen the looks we
were gettin' from those two mommy-daddies.
88
00:04:34,290 --> 00:04:37,090
And the British kid said
my parenting was bollocks.
89
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,890
You have to tell Dodge the truth.
90
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,200
You think he'll feel better
when he finds out his daddy's...
91
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:44,270
some random drunk at a Molly Hatchet concert?
92
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:49,310
You mean RonnieJames Dio. You've always
said it was a RonnieJames Dio concert.
93
00:04:49,410 --> 00:04:52,000
Molly Hatchet, RonnieJames Dio.
94
00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,770
All I remember is we were in the men's room,
it was crowded...
95
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,940
and it was hard to get my leather pants off
in that itty-bitty stall.
96
00:04:58,050 --> 00:05:00,540
Hold on. You said it happened under
the concession stand...
97
00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:03,780
while you were kneeling on a box of cups
and he continued selling nachos.
98
00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:06,050
- I didn't say that.
- Yes, you did. Remember...
99
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,420
I asked you if a parent-teacher conference
was an appropriate place to tell this story?
100
00:05:09,530 --> 00:05:11,960
Joy, you're lying.
101
00:05:12,070 --> 00:05:13,690
Did it even happen at a concert?
102
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,500
Do you know who Dodge's real father is?
103
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,840
Fine.
104
00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:21,370
It's Little Chubby, okay?
105
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,340
Little Chubby is Dodge's dad.
106
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,640
[Earl Narrating]
If we looked surprised, it was because we were.
107
00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:29,580
The Chubbys were the most
powerful family in Camden.
108
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,020
Little Chubby's father, Big Chubby,
owned nearly every business in town...
109
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,020
from the dry cleaners-
110
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,920
You wouldn't clean your body
with discount chemicals...
111
00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:39,960
so why should you treat
your clothes any differently?
112
00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:41,960
To the restaurants.
113
00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:44,550
The taste of slow cooking
with the sloppiest sauce around.
114
00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:47,660
And when Chubby Senior died,
his empire went to his son.
115
00:05:47,770 --> 00:05:50,000
Introducing the Chubby S.A.T. Prep.
116
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,470
Help your child achieve his dreams.
117
00:05:52,570 --> 00:05:55,270
And dads, while your kids study the S.A.T.'s...
118
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:58,400
why don't you come down
and, uh, study a little "T" and "A"?
119
00:05:58,510 --> 00:06:00,480
[Little Chubby Chuckles]
120
00:06:00,580 --> 00:06:02,840
Chubby tutorials is to S.A.T. Prep-
121
00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:07,320
As Club Chubby is to erections.
[Chuckles]
122
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:14,920
Little Chubby is Dodge's dad?
Oh, my God.
123
00:06:15,030 --> 00:06:18,490
That explains why Dodge's
mustache is starting to grow in already.
124
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,000
Joy, Little Chubby owns half this town.
125
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:24,330
The Chubbys were the first family to have two cars.
This is a gold mine.
126
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,930
Dodge is the heir to the Chubby empire.
127
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,030
It's a fool's gold mine, Earl,
so you better keep your mouth shut.
128
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,440
Wh-Wh-Why didn't you tell
Little Chubby about this?
129
00:06:32,550 --> 00:06:35,210
I went to tell him right when
I found out I was with child...
130
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,770
but I saw something there that scared me
into praying and doing the sign of the cross...
131
00:06:38,890 --> 00:06:40,790
even though I'm not Catholic.
132
00:06:40,890 --> 00:06:43,790
- ## [Chorus Vocalizes]
- Amen.
133
00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:47,590
[Earl Narrating]Joy said she made a list
of things she was gonna buy on QVC...
134
00:06:47,690 --> 00:06:50,530
then went to notify the man
who was gonna pay the bills.
135
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:52,620
Is Little Chubby here?
136
00:06:52,730 --> 00:06:54,760
- He should be back any minute.
- Cool. I'll wait.
137
00:06:54,870 --> 00:06:56,770
Get me a bottle of champagne.
138
00:06:56,870 --> 00:07:01,640
I'm not gonna drink it. I just wanna shake it up
and pour it all over myself.
139
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:04,040
One of my ovaries laid a golden egg.
140
00:07:11,150 --> 00:07:14,280
[Clears Throat]
Is somebody here pregnant with my baby?
141
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:17,080
- Well, l-
- You're damn right someone here
is pregnant with your baby.
142
00:07:17,190 --> 00:07:19,590
And I expect you to do something about it.
143
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,320
Yeah, well, I will do something about it.
144
00:07:21,430 --> 00:07:25,330
In this hand, I have a one-way bus ticket,
and in this hand, I have a gun.
145
00:07:25,430 --> 00:07:27,800
[Clears Throat]
Tell you what. Pick a hand.
146
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:34,000
Better hurry up. Might have a bus to catch.
[Chuckles]
147
00:07:34,110 --> 00:07:37,600
I decided right then and there
that I was gonna raise Dodge 100% on my own.
148
00:07:37,710 --> 00:07:40,010
By tricking me into marrying you?
149
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:44,950
And then never working, never cooking,
never cleaning, making me support you?
150
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:47,850
I spent 10 days in jail
for stealing you a Diaper Genie-
151
00:07:47,950 --> 00:07:50,480
which, by the way,
there's nothing magic about it.
152
00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:53,860
- It's just crap in a bag.
- It's always about you, isn't it?
153
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,890
You need to tell Little Chubby, Joy.
154
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,400
I know he used to be a psycho
like his late father...
155
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:01,560
but after I kicked him in the nuts
and disrupted his hormones...
156
00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:04,470
he became a kinder, gentler guy.
157
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:06,510
Until his reconstructive ball surgery...
158
00:08:06,610 --> 00:08:08,700
after which he became a psycho again.
159
00:08:08,810 --> 00:08:12,940
But when he realized he liked his nice self better,
he reracked himself.
160
00:08:13,050 --> 00:08:14,840
I can't believe you don't remember all this.
161
00:08:14,950 --> 00:08:16,640
You love ball stories.
162
00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:21,550
- I'm not taking any chances.
- But this could make Dodge's life so much better.
163
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:24,890
It could make all your lives easier.
And Dodge deserves to know.
164
00:08:24,990 --> 00:08:28,050
Well, I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay?
165
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,060
And you need to leave it alone.
166
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,660
- Look, Joy.
- Get out.
167
00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,960
[Earl Narrating]
Even though Joy told me to leave it alone...
168
00:08:35,070 --> 00:08:37,040
Little Chubby was Dodge's father...
169
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:40,440
and I knew there were ways
he could make Dodge's life a lot better.
170
00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:43,340
He could certainly hook him up
with a hotter date to the prom.
171
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,740
And maybe it could make
Little Chubby's life better too.
172
00:08:45,850 --> 00:08:47,870
- [Buzzes]
- [Little Chubby] Hey, Earl, Randy.
173
00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:49,740
H-How'd you know it was us?
174
00:08:49,850 --> 00:08:51,510
Look up.
175
00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:53,180
Oh.
176
00:08:54,290 --> 00:08:56,190
[Clears Throat]
Hey, Hickey boys.
177
00:08:56,290 --> 00:08:58,920
Hey. You know, I wouldn't eat those.
The, uh, shrimp come from Camden Lake.
178
00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:02,260
If you turn out the lights- I'm not gonna-
I'm not gonna lie to you- They glow.
179
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:11,040
[Ice Cubes Clink]
180
00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:14,070
All these shows are boring.
181
00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:17,770
Oh. Well, they're not real TV shows.
[Clears Throat]
182
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:21,040
They're, uh, security footage.
I have cameras all over town.
183
00:09:21,150 --> 00:09:23,580
I'll show you what I mean.
Let's take a look at, uh...
184
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,580
what's going on at, uh, Chubby's Pulled Pork.
185
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:35,230
Wow. That guy is putting his wiener
in a hot dog bun.
186
00:09:35,330 --> 00:09:37,520
- His real wiener.
- Yeah. That's my cook.
187
00:09:37,630 --> 00:09:40,930
Every once in a while, he tricks somebody
into putting mustard and relish on it.
188
00:09:41,030 --> 00:09:43,940
- Do not change the channel.
- Why don't you fellas sit down.
189
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,630
[Clears Throat]
190
00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:48,900
This is, uh, quite a room you built for yourself.
191
00:09:49,010 --> 00:09:53,000
Used to be a butcher shop, but, uh, we shared
a wall with the club, so, uh, I bought it...
192
00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:56,950
and, uh, tricked it all out like this,
and, uh, this is where I spend most of my time.
193
00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:59,920
Please let me out!
194
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:02,720
[Little Chubby Chuckles]
Well, I didn't change everything.
195
00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:04,880
Uh, sometimes a refrigerated meat locker
comes in handy.
196
00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:07,290
It's so cold in here!
197
00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,450
Yeah, well, maybe next time,
you'll think twice...
198
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,460
before deciding to, uh, lean against my car.
199
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,560
- Little Chubby.
- What?
200
00:10:14,670 --> 00:10:16,600
Oh. Oh, I know what you're thinking.
201
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,100
You're thinking,
why am I acting like a douche bag again?
202
00:10:19,210 --> 00:10:22,000
Well, there's a simple explanation for that.
I'm a- [Clears Throat]
203
00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:23,740
I'm a douche bag again.
204
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,810
[Earl Narrating]
Little Chubby told us he'd discovered...
205
00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:28,900
that his business
was no place for a nice guy.
206
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,950
I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but, uh-
[Clears Throat]
207
00:10:32,050 --> 00:10:35,320
Well, l- I think your best dancing days
may be over, ma'am.
208
00:10:35,420 --> 00:10:37,360
Nah.
209
00:10:37,460 --> 00:10:40,360
# Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey #
210
00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:43,760
# Hello, my ragtime gal ##
211
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,920
Now, this is where I drop my bloomers...
212
00:10:46,030 --> 00:10:48,500
and let people see all the way to Florida.
213
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,700
Great. [Clears Throat]
Well, I guess you can start Monday.
214
00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:59,480
Well, that old prune slipped off the stripper's pole
and shattered her pelvis.
215
00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:01,600
I swear to God, I think her vagina fell off.
216
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,450
As you can well imagine,
the customers fled in terror.
217
00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:06,450
Anyway, it's no way to run a business, and...
218
00:11:06,550 --> 00:11:08,710
certainly it's not the way
the old me would do it.
219
00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:11,380
So you just started acting mean?
220
00:11:11,490 --> 00:11:13,960
No. I tried that, but I was, uh-
221
00:11:14,060 --> 00:11:16,150
I was hormonally incapable.
222
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,390
So, uh- So I got a ball transplant.
223
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,690
- Get out.
- Yeah, it's true.
224
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:25,460
You can get any type you want.
I got, uh, bull balls. They're huge. Huge.
225
00:11:25,570 --> 00:11:27,470
You know, it's cool. It's a lot of fun.
226
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:32,200
Uh, occasionally, a- a cow will lift its tail,
and all hell will break loose, but, you know.
227
00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:34,580
What's freezing, guys? Thirty-two degrees, right?
228
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:37,520
For the love of God!
229
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:40,380
[Clears Throat]
So, what brings you fellas over?
230
00:11:40,490 --> 00:11:42,920
Who? Us? Oh.
[Nervous Chuckle]
231
00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:45,990
We just came by to show you my new watch.
It's a "Tim-ex."
232
00:11:46,090 --> 00:11:49,580
- Okay, Earl. Time to go now.
- Not yet, Randy.
233
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:52,600
I need to tell you something.
And with all that new plumbing down there...
234
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,600
this may even be good news.
235
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:59,330
In case you were worried you'd never
be able to have a kid, well, you do.
236
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,370
First of all,
as far as my plumbing goes, it's just fine.
237
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,440
If I wanna have a kid, I'll have a kid.
238
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:07,540
Might turn out to be a minotaur,
but I'll love it none the same.
239
00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:10,880
Secondly, that woman said she was on the pill.
240
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:14,250
- L-I haven't even told you who it was yet.
- Ah, it doesn't matter.
241
00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:18,120
I'll tell you what I'll do.
If you leave this alone, I'll leave you alone.
242
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,950
If you don't leave this alone-
[Clears Throat]
243
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,660
Th-That's a flask.
You-You're showing me a flask.
244
00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:30,130
Oh. [Chuckles]
Sorry about that.
245
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,140
[Clears Throat]
246
00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:37,740
Oh, I get it now.
247
00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:42,180
[Door Closes]
248
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:45,120
Ew. Someone sneezed on there?
249
00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:48,210
- No.
- Catalina, you gotta help us.
250
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,260
We're trying to prove
Little Chubby is Dodge's father...
251
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,980
and we need something with his D.N.A. On it.
252
00:12:52,090 --> 00:12:55,290
- What's D.N.A.?
- That's what makes up your spit...
253
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,990
your blood, your boogers.
254
00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:00,560
No two people's boogers are exactly alike.
They're like snowflakes.
255
00:13:00,670 --> 00:13:02,760
I can't help you, Earl.
Little Chubby would ruin my life...
256
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:04,770
- if he found out I was tricking him.
- [Camera Whirs]
257
00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:07,500
He has cameras everywhere.
258
00:13:07,610 --> 00:13:09,580
I need to make it look like you're my customer.
259
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,340
I'm gonna stick my hand down your pants,
then you hand me a 20.
260
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,150
I don't have any cash on me.
261
00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:26,950
[Earl Narrating]
Since Catalina was too afraid of Chubby to help...
262
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,490
me and Randy were gonna
have to dig in and help ourselves.
263
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,500
Come on, Earl. Let's get out of here.
264
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,790
We just need to find a cigar butt or some hair.
265
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,830
Anything that might have Little Chubby's D.N.A.
266
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,230
[Randy] All I see are a bunch of
little balloons with mayonnaise in 'em.
267
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,640
[Gunshots]
268
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:43,170
Little Chubby! Run!
269
00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:46,710
[Gunshots Continue]
270
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,480
[Earl Narrating] I was determined to prove
that Little Chubby was Dodge's dad...
271
00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:58,960
and even though he was powerful,
he wasn't above the law.
272
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,890
Oh, hey, Earl, Randy.
You know what the bitch of this is?
273
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,690
I don't know if this is an attack on me as a cop
or as a person of size.
274
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,630
Hoyne, we need to report a crime.
We just got shot at.
275
00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:12,500
Oh, God. Well, we'll get right on it.
Hey, uh, come back to the station with me.
276
00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:14,660
We'll look at some mug shots, have some cocoa.
277
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,870
No. We know who it was. It was Little Chubby.
278
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:19,880
- But we still want the cocoa.
- Aw, geez. I can't help you guys.
279
00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:22,470
Little Chubby bought off
the chief of police and the mayor.
280
00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:24,740
In fact,
there's an actual city ordinance now that says...
281
00:14:24,850 --> 00:14:26,820
if anybody accuses Little Chubby of a crime...
282
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,820
I gotta trump up charges against them.
283
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,480
- So you're gonna arrest us?
- I have to.
284
00:14:31,590 --> 00:14:33,580
W-W-Wait. Can't you-
285
00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:37,320
Can't you just write me a ticket
for a-a busted light or somethin'?
286
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,730
Ah, what the hell. We're friends.
287
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,130
[Earl Narrating]
Okay. Maybe Little Chubby was above the law-
288
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,230
- ## [Whistles]
- but I had science on my side.
289
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,570
If a father and a son have the same D.N. A...
290
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,200
and the father of the son
is also the son of a father-
291
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:56,280
Anyway, the plan was to dig up Chubby Senior.
292
00:14:56,380 --> 00:14:58,370
[Gagging]
293
00:15:00,050 --> 00:15:03,820
You know how Dad has that
"I'd Rather Be Fishing" license plate frame?
294
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,050
I've never gotten it until now.
295
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,150
Earl, let's forget this and just go fishin'.
296
00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:11,130
No. I'm not letting him win this time.
Now flick on your lighter.
297
00:15:11,230 --> 00:15:13,600
I can't see what good pieces of Chubby are left.
298
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,540
[Earl Narrating] Unfortunately,
I had forgotten about Chubby's final ritual.
299
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,540
Let's get out of here.
300
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,200
Everybody took turns
pouring Wild Turkey whiskey into his coffin.
301
00:15:32,950 --> 00:15:34,420
Daddy.
302
00:15:36,190 --> 00:15:39,120
I can't get the smell
of burnt Chubby out of my nose.
303
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:45,130
Little Chubby bought the motel.
You don't live here anymore.
304
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,800
Ooh! I'm impressed. You bought the motel.
305
00:15:52,010 --> 00:15:54,910
Oh, and l-l-I see you've changed the name to...
306
00:15:55,010 --> 00:15:56,940
"Earl's A Homo Inn."
307
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,910
Well, that doesn't bother me.
308
00:16:00,010 --> 00:16:02,480
[Earl Narrating]
I figured all I really needed was a few bucks...
309
00:16:02,580 --> 00:16:06,210
to pay for a place to sleep
and a few beers to drink our way to a solution.
310
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,790
[A.T.M. Printer Whirs]
311
00:16:12,190 --> 00:16:16,030
Okay. I get it.
You own the whole damn town and everyone in it.
312
00:16:16,130 --> 00:16:18,890
They're all so scared of you,
they won't even help me.
313
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,090
You win. You happy?
314
00:16:26,910 --> 00:16:29,270
So, that A.T.M. Machine.
315
00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:31,470
What a jerk, huh?
316
00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:34,410
[Earl Narrating]
I was out of moves. Little Chubby won.
317
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:37,380
Little Chubby didn't win this time.
318
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,380
- You did.
- [Earl Narrating] Turns out...
319
00:16:39,490 --> 00:16:42,010
Joy might not have been listening to me,
but Darnell was.
320
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,560
But this could make
Dodge's life so much better.
321
00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:46,560
It could make all your lives easier.
322
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,630
And Dodge deserves to know.
323
00:16:48,730 --> 00:16:51,390
Well, I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay?
324
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:54,090
So you just need to leave it alone.
325
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,170
[Door Opens]
326
00:16:56,270 --> 00:17:00,230
[Earl Narrating]
Darnell thought Dodge deserved to know too.
327
00:17:00,340 --> 00:17:04,500
And he realized that Little Chubby's money
could help them afford luxuries-
328
00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:07,080
There you go. Now they fit again.
329
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,520
[Earl Narrating]
Like new shoes.
330
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,850
- Having been in the C.I.A.,
the circus and the plumbers'union-
- Ha.
331
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,480
Darnell was able to accomplish what I couldn't-
332
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:22,860
Ouch.
333
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,090
- pluck a hair.
- [Groans]
334
00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:29,730
Ow. Ah, it's probably nothing.
335
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,830
I had to do the same thing to Castro.
336
00:17:31,940 --> 00:17:34,370
This was a walk in the park compared to that.
337
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,510
Thanks, Crabman.
338
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,350
[Laughs]
You see this?
339
00:17:42,450 --> 00:17:44,920
You didn't win. I won.
340
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:49,250
Me and my friends won.
I got your hair, so screw you, Little Chubby!
341
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,520
Screw you!
342
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,260
Bastard pulled a Castro on me.
343
00:17:56,360 --> 00:18:00,890
[Earl Narrating] Crabman distracted Joy
while I got a sample of Dodge's D.N.A.
344
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,330
I wasn't thrilled to see him using my move,
but I had to stay focused.
345
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,410
- ## [Stereo: Reggae]
- # Stir it up #
346
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,740
#Little darlin'##
347
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:15,180
The toothbrushes looked the same,
so I had to grab all four.
348
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,990
I also stole some antibacterial cream.
349
00:18:21,090 --> 00:18:23,180
You got something on your back
that you can't see...
350
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:27,390
and I didn't want to say anything
until I had something to put on it.
351
00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:29,430
[Engine Starts]
352
00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:32,860
[Earl Narrating] I took all the D.N.A. Samples
to the Camden County Labs...
353
00:18:32,970 --> 00:18:36,590
and when the results came in the mail,
Catalina brought 'em to us.
354
00:18:41,940 --> 00:18:44,070
But the results were not what I expected.
355
00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:47,580
- You lied to me again, Joy.
- What the hell are you talkin' about?
356
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,170
I went and had Dodge's D.N.A. Tested.
357
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,650
I told you to stay out of this!
358
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:55,950
How the hell did you get Little Chubby's D.N.A.?
359
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:57,820
- That's not important.
- What is important...
360
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,760
is Little Chubby is not Dodge's father.
361
00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:02,590
- Of course he is.
- No, he isn't.
362
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,360
Says right there. It doesn't match.
363
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:07,590
Well, this test is wrong.
364
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:11,260
It's impossible. I mean, I remember
everything that happened that night.
365
00:19:11,370 --> 00:19:14,400
[Earl Narrating]
Joy said it all happened at a Halloween party.
366
00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:16,700
- ## [Speakers: Rock]
- ## [Man Vocalizing]
367
00:19:16,810 --> 00:19:18,780
So, uh, Lewinsky-
[Clears Throat] you wanna bone?
368
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:23,380
- I like a little more meat on mine.
- [Chuckles]
369
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,450
[Earl Narrating]
But, as the night wore on...
370
00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:28,610
- the pickings got slimmer and slimmer.
- [Meows]
371
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,490
#Now I need you more than ever#
372
00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:35,490
I was unclear which costumes were for men...
373
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,000
and which costumes were for women.
374
00:19:39,230 --> 00:19:41,790
- [Snarls]
- ## [Vocalizing]
375
00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:45,500
[Earl Narrating]
Then the pickings got older, balder and nakeder.
376
00:19:45,610 --> 00:19:46,830
Hey, baby.
377
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:49,270
Let me ask you somethin'.
378
00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:51,900
#But I just can't apologize #
379
00:19:52,010 --> 00:19:55,380
- Is it Halloween?
- # Let's spend the night together#
380
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,820
[Earl Narrating]
And eventually, Joy went for any bone in a storm.
381
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,180
#Don't let me down #
382
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,850
- Let's do this.
- # We could have fun just groovin'around #
383
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,860
- [Man] Happy Halloween!
- # Around and around and oh, my, my ##
384
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:15,230
J-Joy, was that the Halloween party where
Fat Steve dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy...
385
00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:17,360
and broke his nose trying to
run through the wall?
386
00:20:17,470 --> 00:20:18,730
Yeah.
387
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,330
I wore a skeleton costume to that party.
388
00:20:23,780 --> 00:20:26,110
What?
389
00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:28,110
- No.
- Yep.
390
00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:29,180
- No.
- Yep.
391
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,940
Earl, did you do me?
392
00:20:31,050 --> 00:20:33,110
If anything, you did me. I was drunk.
393
00:20:33,220 --> 00:20:35,850
L-I don't remember anything
after Fat Steve goin' through the wall.
394
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,550
SweetJesus.
395
00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:41,460
I know. I'm Dodge's father.
396
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,620
That explains why Dodge's mustache
is startin' to come in already.
397
00:20:45,730 --> 00:20:48,700
- We've got another problem.
- What?
398
00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:54,470
These three D.N.A.'s match.
That means it's you and the boys.
399
00:20:54,570 --> 00:20:57,540
Which makes this one mine,
and it doesn't match any of those.
400
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,610
Wh-What does that mean?
401
00:20:59,710 --> 00:21:02,240
It means I'm not EarlJunior's father.
402
00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:13,920
Now, everybody just calm down.