1 00:00:01,544 --> 00:00:04,005 ( Theme music playing ) 2 00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:32,283 Calvin: When you run a neighborhood business, 3 00:00:32,325 --> 00:00:34,202 you got to take walk-in customers. 4 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,496 Only problem with that... People are always walking in. 5 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,790 Excuse me, miss, there's a beauty shop around the corner. 6 00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:41,542 We're kind of full. We don't usually do women. 7 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:43,127 Yes, you do. 8 00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:45,296 Damn right we do. 9 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,882 - Hey. - Baby girl. 10 00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,967 - What is that boy doing? - Damn. 11 00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:53,471 - ( All muttering ) - Get the fuck out of here. 12 00:00:53,513 --> 00:00:57,308 ( Muttering continues ) 13 00:00:57,350 --> 00:00:59,519 Y'all need to get a room. 14 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,145 Terri: You gonna punch out? 15 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:02,438 Damn. 16 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,565 ( Giggles ) 17 00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:05,942 Am I finished? 18 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,735 Gotta put up a new sign... "no fuckin'." 19 00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:09,529 White boy gettin' with a sister, man. 20 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,405 Y'all ought to be ashamed of y'all selves. 21 00:01:11,447 --> 00:01:13,616 We all done said everything about the white kid 22 00:01:13,658 --> 00:01:16,011 dating the hot black women... "it's right, it's wrong, it's good, it's bad..." 23 00:01:16,035 --> 00:01:18,788 We ain't got no problem with a good kid like Isaac datin' a sister. 24 00:01:18,830 --> 00:01:20,540 That ain't even what I'm saying, man. 25 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,500 I'm saying, he can get a sister and y'all can't. 26 00:01:22,542 --> 00:01:24,001 Y'all some pathetic-ass niggers. 27 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:25,878 Man, I'm married... To a sister. 28 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,148 Well, you know, there's some advantages to being a single man. 29 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,799 Life is full of possibilities. 30 00:01:29,841 --> 00:01:32,260 When you're married, life becomes about reality... 31 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:35,138 The reality of the lack of sexuality. 32 00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:38,182 - ( All laughing ) - Is there really a drop-off, Calvin? 33 00:01:38,224 --> 00:01:40,393 Not with me and Jen. Shit, our sex is regular. 34 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,019 Regular by the week or by the month? 35 00:01:42,061 --> 00:01:44,522 Uh, regular is regular. We don't break it down. 36 00:01:44,564 --> 00:01:46,190 And if you ever have to testify to that, 37 00:01:46,232 --> 00:01:48,001 make sure you and Jen got your stories straight. 38 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,986 ( All laughing ) 39 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:52,238 Anything else? 40 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,574 You're not gonna use this as a lubricant, are you? 41 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,368 'Cause the petroleum actually degrades the latex. 42 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:59,203 I don't need a chemistry lesson, okay? 43 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:01,289 Ketchup goes on the top bun, mustard on the bottom. 44 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:03,416 - Just ring me up, I got some fuckin' to do. - Okay. 45 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:07,837 - Thanks. - Somebody could use a little religion. 46 00:02:07,879 --> 00:02:10,006 No receipt. 47 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,133 Hey, baby, daddy is home. 48 00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:14,260 Now I know we ain't got freaky in a while, 49 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:18,139 so I'm gonna need you to bend over, 'cause I'm gonna get all up in... 50 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:22,059 Uh, you know what? Never mind. 51 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,371 You just stay there looking like the sweet mother of my child, 52 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:27,773 and I'm gonna go... Get on the Internet or something. 53 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,442 Okay. 54 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,695 Mommy was hoping daddy was gonna make her butt say his name. 55 00:02:32,737 --> 00:02:35,489 ♪ Ready? What? You got it. ♪ 56 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,783 Calvin: If there's one thing I've learned, 57 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,494 it's that you got to be real careful about the past you make. 58 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:43,348 'Cause you never know when it's gonna come around and jump up in your future. 59 00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,917 - David? - Calvin. 60 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:48,211 David was a guy who tried to open up a store 61 00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:50,421 unfortunately named "niggaz" on our block. 62 00:02:50,463 --> 00:02:54,050 Although David was cool, I accidentally had his store shut down. 63 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,594 That was something I never got to explain to him, 64 00:02:56,636 --> 00:02:58,512 but knew he'd understand once I did. 65 00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:01,140 You accidentally had a mob of people shut down my store? 66 00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,100 What can I say? Shit happens. 67 00:03:03,142 --> 00:03:05,519 - "Shit happens"? - Doesn't it, though? 68 00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:08,397 So, you got a new store opening up. That's good. 69 00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:11,150 With a less inflammatory name... That's real good. 70 00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:13,611 Oh, right on. It's good to have you back on the block. 71 00:03:13,653 --> 00:03:16,447 Yeah, thanks, and to be honest, it's good to be back. 72 00:03:16,489 --> 00:03:19,283 - Woman: You can't buy those shoes... - Is that your wife? 73 00:03:19,325 --> 00:03:21,118 Oh yeah, that's... that's Dana. 74 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,205 - She's not gonna wave. - Oh. She's really mad at me, huh? 75 00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:25,873 - She's blind. - She can't see? 76 00:03:25,915 --> 00:03:27,583 Is there another kind of blind? 77 00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:29,919 Republican blind? Blind to the problems of regular folk? 78 00:03:29,961 --> 00:03:31,587 How would that keep her from waving? 79 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:33,381 You're a real serious cat, aren't you? Yeah. 80 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,800 You know what'd be good? How about you let me and my wife 81 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:37,551 take you and your lady out to dinner? 82 00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:39,262 Sort of a welcome back meal? 83 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:41,472 Yeah? Well, that's decent of you. It really is. 84 00:03:41,514 --> 00:03:45,017 And Calvin, it's nice to be welcomed back to the neighborhood. 85 00:03:52,525 --> 00:03:55,444 - What, bitch? - You callin' me a bitch? 86 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:56,862 Oh, pretty as you are, 87 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,823 I bet when you were in prison, 88 00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:01,993 you got passed around like a subpoena at the "source awards." 89 00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:08,291 - Hey, Cal. - Lookin' good, man, you lose weight? 90 00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:10,001 Looking good and running late. 91 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:11,502 I stopped to talk to somebody. 92 00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:13,129 You know they're opening up a new store? 93 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:14,731 Well, not really new, sort of re-opening... 94 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,424 One that was gonna be niggaz. 95 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,301 Different, less inflammatory name. Same owner. 96 00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:20,344 - Same owner? - Yeah. David's his name. 97 00:04:20,386 --> 00:04:22,531 - David kang. - Yeah yeah, it's the same owner and his boy? 98 00:04:22,555 --> 00:04:24,366 - I don't know about his boy. - What the hell, Cal? 99 00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,034 You don't know if the son is working there? 100 00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:27,661 Why say anything at all and get our hopes up 101 00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:29,079 if you don't even know what's going on? 102 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,730 God! Inconsiderate. 103 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,148 - Hey, Cal? - Hm? 104 00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:33,774 Are you losing weight? 105 00:04:35,651 --> 00:04:37,361 She's, like, republican blind? 106 00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:40,156 - No, she's for-real blind. - Oh, that's so sweet. 107 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,699 - Sweet? - Yeah. 108 00:04:41,741 --> 00:04:43,617 It's like the movie, "magnificent obsession." 109 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:45,870 And David can spend his lie looking for a cure for Dan. 110 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,998 And then when she can see again they'll fall in love and get married. 111 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,458 They're already married. 112 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,060 Well, I hope it's not like the movie "ray." 113 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,627 And David's just shooting up heroin 114 00:04:53,669 --> 00:04:55,212 and catting around with other women. 115 00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,131 Unless it's with Regina king. 116 00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:59,484 I wouldn't mind if you threw Regina king a little attention. 117 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:02,154 She deserves it. What's a sister got to do to get her props in Hollywood? 118 00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,055 - Oh, you look good. - Yeah? 119 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,265 - Have you been losing weight? - Maybe a little. 120 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:09,060 - Are you on a new diet? - Something like that. 121 00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,145 Calvin: Actually, it was nothing like that. 122 00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:13,147 Yinka'd been having troubles in the bedroom 123 00:05:13,189 --> 00:05:15,399 with the way he stepped to his ladies. 124 00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:17,878 He made a recording for me to watch so I could help him with his game. 125 00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:19,612 The friction of your pudenda 126 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:20,988 has got me so hot 127 00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:22,656 for your undulating vagina. 128 00:05:22,698 --> 00:05:25,659 I'm going to increase the motion of my urinary meatus, 129 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:28,204 against your urethral orifice. 130 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,331 Private foreskin at your cervix. 131 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:34,001 - But watching the video had certain side effects. - ( Gags ) 132 00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,003 I just haven't had much of an appetite. 133 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:38,398 And I'm sure David and Dana will think I just don't wanna eat with 'em. 134 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,758 - You seem tense. - I am tense. 135 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,010 They already don't have a good impression of me. 136 00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:45,262 I just want this dinner to be perfect. 137 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:46,889 I know how to help you relax. 138 00:05:46,931 --> 00:05:49,100 - Oh yeah? - Mm-hm. 139 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:50,684 ( Laughing ) 140 00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,853 Mm... ooh! 141 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,522 Now are you more relaxed? 142 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,023 Hell yeah, I'm more relaxed. 143 00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:58,275 You rubbin' on my ass like that reminded me 144 00:05:58,317 --> 00:06:00,569 that I forgot my wallet. If I'd of got to that restaurant 145 00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,905 without no cash, I'd have been embarrassed as hell. 146 00:06:02,947 --> 00:06:04,156 Thank you, baby. Mm. 147 00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:05,866 Mm-that perfume you're wearing 148 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,285 also reminds me that I need to gas up before we get there. 149 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:11,455 My girl, you're like a walking post-it. 150 00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,375 Yay! 151 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,478 Calvin: Terri was trying to do something about the past 152 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,462 she almost created with David's kid, Michael... 153 00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:21,424 A past she was hoping to recreate in the right now. 154 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:22,508 Hey. 155 00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,093 I just want to set things straight. 156 00:06:24,135 --> 00:06:25,946 I know people went off on you last time around, 157 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,650 but I didn't have anything to do with that. 158 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:31,725 And me asking you out on a date is just... 159 00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,811 It's not like I really had it for you. 160 00:06:33,853 --> 00:06:36,147 It's just... It was a consolation prize 161 00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:38,107 for your shop getting shut down. 162 00:06:38,149 --> 00:06:40,693 So if we see each other, you don't have to throw me attitude. 163 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,903 I'm cool with you if you're cool with me. 164 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:44,655 - Okay. - Terri, I'm not mad at you. 165 00:06:44,697 --> 00:06:48,117 Look, the only reason I said no when you asked me out 166 00:06:48,159 --> 00:06:50,202 was because I was seeing someone. 167 00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:54,039 - "Was" as in... Was seeing someone? - Was. 168 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,749 - Like, "has been"? - Was. 169 00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:59,545 So sometime if you want to go out and hang out... 170 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,172 Okay, here are the rules... 171 00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,632 Our clothes stay on, your hands stay above the waist, 172 00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:07,178 and there'll be no stories to the boys about sexual activity that didn't happen. 173 00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,805 Okay. Terri Jones' shit is pure. 174 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:12,933 I haven't had much of an appetite. 175 00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:15,060 So, Jen, what do you do? 176 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,813 Oh, I'm just doing my mom thing right now. 177 00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:19,940 Oh, she's not just a mom. 178 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:22,026 I come home at night, she's cooked, she's cleaned. 179 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,196 She's a mom, a maid, an appliance repair person, 180 00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,323 gardener, sock-maker, sommelier, cobbler... 181 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,576 I don't know how she got the heel back on my boot, but that's love. 182 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,828 Yes, I'm a well-rounded and fully formed home-maker. 183 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:36,165 - That's not all you are. You're also a hot... - Dana: Saint... 184 00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:38,417 Is what she sounds like. A blessing. Gift from god. 185 00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:41,962 Why don't you just throw in "sweet mother of my child" so I really feel inadequate. 186 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,507 I can get the fucking sugar myself. 187 00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,693 Yeah, you can fucking get it, I can get it fucking quicker. 188 00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:48,802 Oh, thank fucking you for reminding me I'm blind. 189 00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:51,347 I'm a useless blind woman, in case I fucking forgot. 190 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:54,034 - Make me feel like a useless fucking cripp. - There's the sugar right there. 191 00:07:54,058 --> 00:07:56,185 Why don't you just do a "million dollar baby" on me? 192 00:07:56,227 --> 00:07:59,688 Kill me and then go eat fucking pie in a fucking diner down in the south. 193 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,500 I have a funny pie story I've been dying to tell. 194 00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:03,376 When I say die, I don't mean in a euthanasia sense. 195 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,528 Never gonna let me live it down, are you? 196 00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,714 One time... one time I confused the super glue with an eye dropper. 197 00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,907 She's never gonna let me live it the fuck down. 198 00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:11,408 You fucking blinded me! 199 00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:13,369 What, you couldn't feel it was glue? 200 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,305 You should have said something after I did the first eye. 201 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,997 You could still see half the world, bitch. 202 00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:18,639 You blinded her, and you're getting on me 203 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,310 about accidentally shutting down your shop? 204 00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,086 Yeah? Can you fucking believe this guy? 205 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,980 And by the way, I wanted to eat at a Mexican restaurant. 206 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,507 You think I can't smell the mu shu-fucking-pork? 207 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:29,843 - Wow. - Did you see them? 208 00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:31,637 They were all over each other. 209 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:32,805 Wow. 210 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,366 I mean, they didn't care who was watching. 211 00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:35,700 It's like they had no self-control. 212 00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:37,351 No self-control. None. 213 00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:39,329 I never would have believed two people could go off like that 214 00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:41,647 if I hadn't seen it. I'm glad we're not like that. 215 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:43,732 Yeah. 216 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:49,405 Oh god. God damn it, is this dress on sale? 217 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,166 Can you put this on the side for me, please? 218 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,093 Not now. I mean, you know, later when you're done... 219 00:08:53,117 --> 00:08:54,410 Kissing and stuff. 220 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:55,995 Calvin: For the first time ever, 221 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,913 Terri Jones had flipped for a guy. 222 00:08:57,955 --> 00:08:59,724 And for a girl who had never been sprung before, 223 00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,083 it was too much to handle. 224 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:02,459 Good morning, world! 225 00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:04,712 Are you ready for a beautiful day? 226 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,630 ♪ I'm about to lose control ♪ 227 00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,674 ♪ and I think I like it... ♪ 228 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,009 ( Barking ) 229 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,803 Good morning, you sweet, beautiful pit bull. 230 00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:15,306 You want a piece of mommy's throat, huh? Mwah! 231 00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:17,891 ♪ And I know, I know, I know, I know... ♪ 232 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,727 Good morning, Chicago's finest, 233 00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,645 who like to fuck with me for no good reason. 234 00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:24,106 Are you ready to be the best you can be? Hm? Okay. 235 00:09:24,148 --> 00:09:27,443 Calvin: Yeah. But it wasn't all good all the way around. 236 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:31,905 See, the night when Terri was getting it on with Michael... 237 00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:36,827 Now Jimmy's not real secretly sprung for Terri 238 00:09:36,869 --> 00:09:39,371 and didn't care for Terri hitting it with Michael. 239 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,165 This was causing Jimmy stress. 240 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,042 And of course, when people got stressed, 241 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,127 they brought their stress right to me. 242 00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:48,339 So some new kid just shows up on the block and Terri falls for him. 243 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:51,467 All that time I was working in the shop, she couldn't just fall for me? 244 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,218 Did you ever tell Terri that you liked her? 245 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,304 You never just tell somebody you like them. 246 00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:57,806 No, see, that opens you up to ridicule and rejection. 247 00:09:57,848 --> 00:10:01,060 If you like somebody, you just stare at 'em... 248 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,103 Until they feel your love. 249 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:06,690 Like an insect creeping across their flesh. 250 00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:08,484 The love stares I used to give Terri 251 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:11,862 would send shivers of excitement through her... 252 00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:16,033 ( Shivering ) 253 00:10:16,075 --> 00:10:17,076 Love. 254 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,827 It was... it was love. 255 00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:20,913 Love till this punk came along! 256 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,582 Okay, love may be on your side of the street, 257 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,417 but Terri's not really the type of girl 258 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,419 that's had a lot of experience with deep emotions. 259 00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:29,356 Just give her some time, maybe she'll get over Michael. 260 00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:31,066 See, I don't think I could take that chance. 261 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:33,550 I think I need to go "desperate housewives" 262 00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:37,096 and destroy that relationship in melodramatic fashion. 263 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,597 What good would that do? 264 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,617 Well, it'll make it obvious to Terri that I like her. 265 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:42,893 I wouldn't spend all this time trying to mess up her life 266 00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:45,580 - if I didn't care about her. - You trying to mess up Michael and Terri 267 00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:47,731 is what got him and his pop run off the block before. 268 00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:51,193 Maybe this time around, you could try some openness and honesty. 269 00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:53,612 Openness. Honesty. 270 00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,698 Yeah. That's the dumbest shit I ever heard. 271 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,826 If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go practice my shenanigans. 272 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,994 You... I'm about to... It's... you don't even know 273 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:03,288 what's about to... you know how many levels and layers? 274 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,165 I'm a politician on that, all...! 275 00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:07,334 Calvin: Jimmy wasn't kidding about being crafty. 276 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:10,587 He knew Isaac also not real secretly had a thing for Terri. 277 00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:12,673 And like the politician he is, 278 00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:14,591 he used his skills of subterfuge 279 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,969 to let Isaac know Terri was seeing another guy. 280 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,596 You know Terri's seeing some other guy? 281 00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:22,891 And while Jimmy decided to skip the open and honest thing, 282 00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:26,019 Terri and her fresh emotions decided it was time to be real open 283 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,105 and real honest with Michael. 284 00:11:28,147 --> 00:11:30,858 - I think maybe I'm in love with you. - I can't see you anymore. 285 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,526 You motherfucker. 286 00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:34,862 You couldn't tell me that before I told you I love you? 287 00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,864 I mean, thank god I said "think" and "maybe." 288 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:39,700 - You're self-absorbed, Terri. - Terri Jones is self-absorbed? 289 00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:41,368 Terri Jones isn't self-absorbed. 290 00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:43,412 Terri Jones is a damn near philanthropist. 291 00:11:43,454 --> 00:11:45,598 In the middle of making out, you asked me to put aside a shirt for you? 292 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:48,083 For these prices, I would be crazy not to say something. 293 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:50,127 You're gonna break up with me over that? 294 00:11:50,169 --> 00:11:53,881 I just can't be with a girl who goes bargain shopping while I'm licking her ear. 295 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,299 You're sexually immature. 296 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,718 How's this for sexually immature? 297 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,803 Fuck you, you ear-licking motherfucker. 298 00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:02,639 Calvin: Meanwhile, me and Jen were having another night out 299 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,057 with David and Dana, 300 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,768 hoping we'd have a better time. 301 00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:08,145 I'm a fucking blind American, so deal with it! 302 00:12:08,187 --> 00:12:10,939 - We didn't. - That's good, let's make everybody else feel guilty 303 00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:12,524 because they can fucking see. 304 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,377 Why don't I take a knife and jab my fucking eyes out? 305 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,463 Why don't you take a fucking knife and fucking kill me? 306 00:12:16,487 --> 00:12:18,697 - Hey guys, why don't...? - I'd do it, and nobody'd care. 307 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:20,967 It'd be me, o.J., and Robert Blake out looking for your killer. 308 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:22,785 - Ha-ha. - Why don't you two shut the fuck up? 309 00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:24,369 What the fuck is the matter with you? 310 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,455 Jesus, Calvin, calm down, we're in public. 311 00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:29,541 - Gonna get us accidentally thrown off the block again. - Yeah. 312 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:32,628 Are people staring at me? 'Cause I do not need people staring at me again. 313 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,963 No, do not put this on me, okay? Are you two oblivious? 314 00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,775 We only went out with you guys because I felt bad 315 00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,679 about what happened to you and your store, okay? 316 00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:41,094 We're not sitting through another night of you guys fighting. 317 00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,931 ( Both laughing ) 318 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,849 What... what's so funny? 319 00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:48,268 - 'Cause I missed the funny. - We're not fighting! 320 00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,854 I mean, we're fighting in the sense that our voices are raised 321 00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:54,566 and we're yelling at each other, but this is the way our passion expresses itself. 322 00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,945 I mean, see? This is the face of passion. 323 00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:01,365 Would you get your fucking finger out of my fucking eye? 324 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,535 Yes! See, couples who fight regularly 325 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,745 actually have better relationships and... 326 00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:10,791 Ooh... I mean, you guys... you guys have passion, don't you? 327 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:14,086 Yeah yeah. Just the other day, I was like telling Jen 328 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,420 "fuck this, fuck that." 329 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:19,007 And I reciprocated with the "f" word... 330 00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:20,384 All f'ing night. 331 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,719 If that's not passion, I don't know what is. 332 00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,389 ( Laughing, screaming ) 333 00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:27,724 Did you see them? 334 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,351 They were all over each other. 335 00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:30,769 Wow. 336 00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,146 I mean, it's like, they didn't even care we were watching. 337 00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:34,815 They couldn't even control themselves. 338 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,483 No self-control. None. 339 00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:38,569 I mean, I never would have believe two people 340 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,904 could go off like that if I hadn't seen it. 341 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,407 I'm glad we're not like that. 342 00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:47,828 That's... that's where you say "yeah." 343 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:54,293 ( Toilet flushes ) 344 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,468 Hey, Cal, come here. 345 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,429 There's something wrong with romadal. 346 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,556 I keep trying to look through his stuff, 347 00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:09,057 and he keeps getting all agitated. 348 00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:10,809 Maybe he keeps getting agitated 349 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,662 'cause you keep trying to look through his stuff. 350 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,330 He's a man, Calvin. Men are always perpetrating. 351 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,231 If they're not pulling something illegal, 352 00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,418 then they're trying to play you into telling them that you love them, 353 00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:20,444 so that they can make you look like a fool. 354 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,697 As much as I love wading neck-deep in a river through your personal bullshit, 355 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:26,325 I do not have time for your relationship issues right now. 356 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:28,035 I got some of my own, okay? 357 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,245 Hey, what are you all being secretive about over there? 358 00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:32,748 - Nothing. - Calvin is having some sex issues with his wife. 359 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,417 I'm not having no sex issues with my wife. What is wrong with you? 360 00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:37,604 I guess he didn't say "wife." It could be, I don't know, what? 361 00:14:37,628 --> 00:14:39,171 One of your hoochies or something? 362 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,923 - Hoochies? - You're cheating on Jen? 363 00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,591 I have difficulties with one relationship 364 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,134 and you have women on the side? 365 00:14:44,176 --> 00:14:45,636 Hey, dawg, Jen is my pop's sister's 366 00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:47,304 brother's brother's sister, all right? 367 00:14:47,346 --> 00:14:49,240 Better not be cheating on my motherfuckin' family. 368 00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:51,242 I'm not cheating on your family, and she's not your family, 369 00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:54,770 she's my wife, okay? Now look, I'm not doing anything. 370 00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,647 I just... me and her went out 371 00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,917 with another couple, and they were just so hot and passionate 372 00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,109 and into each other, it made me think that, you know, 373 00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,504 maybe me and Jen aren't as hot for each other as we should be. 374 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,864 But it's hard. She's my baby's mama. She's like an angel. 375 00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:09,326 - It's hard to drill an angel. - Yeah, but you have no problem talking about it. 376 00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:13,330 Well, see, that there is what you call the "Madonna is a ho complex." 377 00:15:13,372 --> 00:15:18,043 You know, you watch all these filthy, so-called music videos, 378 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:21,088 all the girls shaking their trunks all over the place. 379 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,298 Then you expect that from your wife. 380 00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:28,220 You see, no, those videos are like pornography. They are filthy. 381 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,223 I mean, every time I sit through four, five, six of 'em, 382 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,267 - I feel dirty. - Eddie, you have problems. 383 00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:36,120 You need some religion in your life, seriously. 384 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,105 I need to know who your cable company is. 385 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:40,375 Okay, you know what? Eddie, you need to seriously back off. 386 00:15:40,399 --> 00:15:43,610 Until being old, lonely and broke becomes attractive, 387 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,529 you will be dating your dick. 388 00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:47,447 - ( All groaning ) - It's the truth. 389 00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:49,074 Hey, I'm fine with Mr. Midnight. 390 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:51,243 But what if being young, bitter and broke? 391 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,045 - Seems like it ain't done anything for you. - Watch me not answer you. 392 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:58,000 Look, Eddie, if the subject's hos, Terri knows what she's talking about. 393 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,335 - Excuse me. - Yinka: Wait wait wait wait. 394 00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:03,171 I think we're getting a little off-track here, huh? 395 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,257 Can we just please concentrate 396 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,217 on Calvin's sexual problem? 397 00:16:07,259 --> 00:16:09,094 Whoa, you can go ahead and get off-track. 398 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,936 That's fine. Switch the track altogether. Shit. 399 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,490 Calvin, you got problems with your lady? 400 00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,224 Let me tell you what you got to do. 401 00:16:14,266 --> 00:16:16,202 - You see now, the thing is... - See what you started? 402 00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,954 The honeys don't normally like to go down low. 403 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,455 Right? Now, the unsophisticated brother 404 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,856 will blame it on the bitch. 405 00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,983 Hell no, it is not her fault. 406 00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:25,944 It is the man who don't keep his shit tight all around his man-meat. 407 00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,947 I mean, think about it. Some of y'all come here, what? 408 00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,883 Two, three times a week to get cleaned up up top? 409 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,744 You think your hos want anything less anywhere else? 410 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,370 We are out of Africa. 411 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,080 Why send your woman back to the jungle? 412 00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:40,000 - So you're saying...? - What the hell are you saying? 413 00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,502 - Shave your shit! - All: No! 414 00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,171 - No no... - Yes! 415 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:46,339 Calvin: At some point, Isaac started to realize 416 00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:48,443 what was bumping him about Terri going out with Michael 417 00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,343 wasn't that Terri was going out with Michael. 418 00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,345 It's that Terri wasn't going out with him. 419 00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:54,806 But like a guy, instead of taking it up with Terri, 420 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,725 he was gonna take it up with Mike. 421 00:16:56,767 --> 00:17:00,479 Who runs this motherfuck... 422 00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:03,732 - Me. - Can I help you? 423 00:17:03,774 --> 00:17:06,151 Wow, i... I like what you got. 424 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:10,822 Oh yeah, I just wish my dad and brother would keep the place straight. 425 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:13,617 Oh, I'm sorry, I ought to cover up. 426 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,077 No! I mean... 427 00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,871 I mean, it's your joint, you know? Live how you live. 428 00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:20,999 What's that? My name? Oh, it's Isaac. 429 00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,918 Michelle. 430 00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:26,630 Oh, would you like a bite of my taco? 431 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,882 I really can't answer that right now. Honestly. 432 00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:32,594 I work at the barbershop across the street, you know? We do all kinds of hair. 433 00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,346 Straight or curly or... 434 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:39,226 Really though, that really is a nice taco. 435 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,745 It's all spicy-looking and shit and... 436 00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,437 You know, the lettuce is well-cut. 437 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:43,772 It's hard, you know? 438 00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:45,414 I mean, you think you've got it going on. 439 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,317 That you're in control of your sexuality. 440 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,569 And then you find out. This guy is telling people 441 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,321 I don't have any sexuality at all. 442 00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:53,657 And I wouldn't be telling you this except you're my friend. 443 00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:56,034 Well, we're not friends-friends. 444 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:59,788 I mean, I just came out 'cause you called about getting some exercise. 445 00:17:59,830 --> 00:18:02,249 Had I known the wall between us would be smacked down 446 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,334 with a sledgehammer of personal information... 447 00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:06,628 I mean, I can't help it if I'm sexually immature. 448 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,338 I'm not gonna be like those other girls 449 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,549 who waste themselves on every thug that comes along. 450 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,175 I have been saving myself. 451 00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,195 Did Terri Jones tell you Terri Jones' shit is pure? 452 00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:17,180 You know my story. Grew up in foster care, never knew my family. 453 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:19,891 You know, I never learned how to be personal with somebody, 454 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,685 so I'm kind of fucked up. 455 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,520 It's not f-ed up. 456 00:18:23,562 --> 00:18:27,399 You know, being intimate with someone you care about is always difficult. 457 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,234 Because you do care about them. 458 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,194 So everything takes on meaning. Everything. 459 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,614 You know, when you have sex, when you don't... 460 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:36,700 You and Cal having problems? 461 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:38,326 It's hard, you know? 462 00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,036 You have a baby and you just... 463 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:42,289 Well, you don't feel sexy anymore. 464 00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,833 You feel like just a mommy. 465 00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:46,168 Hm. 466 00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:48,336 Meanwhile, Cal has a life outside the house. 467 00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:51,673 He's looking good, in shape, losing weight. 468 00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:53,300 He is losing weight, isn't he? 469 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:55,218 But he plays it off like he's not working out. 470 00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,140 Like there's some magic diet video you can watch 471 00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,990 that makes you lose weight without doing anything. 472 00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,724 And how you think that makes me feel? 473 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,517 Not young, hot and sexy. That's for sure. 474 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,603 You know, my vagina's just as potent 475 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,730 as the day he first inserted himself into me. 476 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:09,566 Okay, you know, I get what you were saying 477 00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:11,318 about the personal wall thing. 478 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,588 Maybe you ought to work on, you know, building the wall back up. 479 00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:15,572 No no! I will not be silenced. 480 00:19:15,614 --> 00:19:18,241 You know, that's my problem, is I don't let my passion flow. 481 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,535 But I already feel better, you know, getting this out. 482 00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:24,706 Maybe I should tell my sex problems to complete strangers more often. 483 00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,374 - Yeah, I don't... - That's right. 484 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,876 I'm a sex-handicapped American! 485 00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:29,669 Okay, Jen, damn. Okay. 486 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,464 I mean, I think your problem is more with privacy than sexuality. 487 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,257 Well, I have to do something. 488 00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:36,343 You know, it's not like the answers to your problems 489 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,845 come out of nowhere like a sign from god. 490 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,138 Excuse me? 491 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,890 I heard what you two have been saying. 492 00:19:41,932 --> 00:19:44,351 Uh, you heard what she was saying. I wasn't... 493 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,770 You have problems, you know that? 494 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,188 You need church. 495 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,482 Ladies, when you take your vows before the good lord, 496 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,027 you swear to love, honor and obey your man. 497 00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,446 Well, you can't love him 498 00:19:56,488 --> 00:19:59,282 if you can't... Make love to him. 499 00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:02,202 You can't honor his requests to get... 500 00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:04,537 Freaky if you don't have the tools. 501 00:20:04,579 --> 00:20:07,207 - Woman: Okay! - Sex toys in a church? 502 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,334 I mean, it's just hard to buy one of these 503 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,544 with Jesus looking over your shoulder. 504 00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:14,881 Promoting sexuality between married people is a beautiful thing. 505 00:20:14,923 --> 00:20:17,109 And what if you're single but want to improve your skills? 506 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,570 Then you're a whore and you'll burn in the fiery lakes of hell. 507 00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:22,514 - No middle ground? - You might want to read this. 508 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,724 This is a sex guide? 509 00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:27,185 It's a guide to salvation through out lord and savior. 510 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:30,355 The sex gets you in the door, but we still got to sell you some Jesus. 511 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,357 - Figures. - Is this is your extra- fucking-large? 512 00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,859 Who's gonna marry the man on the other end of this? 513 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:35,902 - Dana? - Jen? 514 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:37,362 - Yeah. - Oh! 515 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,364 - Excuse me. - I'm sorry, she's blind. 516 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,908 - You're here? - Well, thought i'd give it a try. 517 00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,494 I usually go to the women's night at temple Beth El. 518 00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:47,455 I'm not trying to compare christians and Jews, 519 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:49,124 but Jews do dildos right. 520 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,209 Goddamn myth-busters, those people. 521 00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:54,212 If my husband wrapped me in a sheet and spun me around like a dreidel, 522 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:55,964 I'd wear a wig 24-7 too. 523 00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:57,549 Is there trouble in your bedroom? 524 00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,343 Look, you're with a man for a few years, 525 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,470 you can't expect him to go home every night 526 00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:05,640 and treat you like a drunk 17-year-old in a "girls gone wild" video. 527 00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:08,393 You got to be the aggressor sometimes, you know? 528 00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:10,061 You gotta make him want you. 529 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,563 This stuff helps? 530 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,457 Well, I don't know what it's like in your house, 531 00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:15,400 but David and I, we have sex nine times a week. 532 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,420 - ( Gasps ) - And I'm talking about a five-day week. 533 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:19,547 - Not a seven-day week. - Then with god as my witness, 534 00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,906 I will never enter our bed without a sex toy again. 535 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:24,242 Calvin: Jen had gone through a sexual revolution. 536 00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:27,329 And the next day, Terri experienced a sexual revelation. 537 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,289 Punk! 538 00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,130 You just have to mess with me, don't you? 539 00:21:37,172 --> 00:21:38,923 You're trying to prove what? What? 540 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,176 That you're better than me? Okay, you're better. 541 00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:45,180 Okay, you're better, you're smoother, you know how to work your shit more. 542 00:21:45,221 --> 00:21:46,639 What are you talking about? 543 00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:48,433 Rubbing my face in it. Getting with Michelle 544 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:50,202 when you know what happened with me and Michael? 545 00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:51,620 Don't say it 'cause I don't even know... 546 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,021 You know Michael dropped me? 547 00:21:53,063 --> 00:21:54,731 I didn't know that Michael dropped you. 548 00:21:54,773 --> 00:21:56,900 You couldn't just jump in before I told you? 549 00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:59,361 Damn. Does everyone want me to look stupid? 550 00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:01,571 Terri, I ended up with Michelle because of you, yes. 551 00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:03,531 But I wasn't trying to punk you. 552 00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,885 - I went over there because Jimmy said that... - Jimmy told you that? 553 00:22:05,909 --> 00:22:07,928 - Yeah, but I thought that... - Jimmy is getting in... 554 00:22:07,952 --> 00:22:09,871 No, but listen, I'm trying to tell you that... 555 00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:11,539 I'm trying... Damn! 556 00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:15,335 I'm trying to tell you that I got it for you. 557 00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:22,884 - ( Dialing ) - Son of a... ( Laughing ) 558 00:22:22,926 --> 00:22:24,594 Yeah, all right. Bye. 559 00:22:24,636 --> 00:22:26,596 Did you tell Isaac I was seeing Michael? 560 00:22:26,638 --> 00:22:28,807 - ( Laughing ) - Are you instigating? 561 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:30,475 Your anger is legendary. 562 00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:34,312 But I'm not some little kid cutting hair in a barbershop anymore. 563 00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:36,189 I'm a politician now. 564 00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:38,942 And I deal with bad attitudes every day. 565 00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:42,278 So do your worst. 566 00:22:44,823 --> 00:22:46,741 You are a do-right guy, Jimmy. 567 00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:48,493 Real decent. 568 00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:50,662 That's why you and me are never gonna hook up. 569 00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:54,457 A guy like you deserves better than to get caught up in all my shit. 570 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,917 So for your own sake, 571 00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:57,377 you and me is never gonna happen. 572 00:22:57,419 --> 00:23:00,046 - What? - Never. 573 00:23:05,468 --> 00:23:07,137 - ( Door closes ) - ( Sighs ) 574 00:23:07,178 --> 00:23:09,055 That was definitely her worst. 575 00:23:09,097 --> 00:23:11,349 Calvin: While Jimmy was getting laid into by Terri Jones, 576 00:23:11,391 --> 00:23:14,310 Eddie was well into getting liquored up by Jack Daniel's. 577 00:23:14,352 --> 00:23:16,062 No more money for booze. 578 00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:17,856 Terri was right. 579 00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:21,568 Old, broke and lonely... That's what I am. 580 00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:26,948 I'm a stereotype of a post-civil rights urban black man. 581 00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:28,950 Like al sharpton, but... 582 00:23:28,992 --> 00:23:31,369 With self-respect. 583 00:23:31,411 --> 00:23:33,246 Let me get that for you. 584 00:23:33,288 --> 00:23:38,042 No, don't take these. I'm gonna suck the liquor from the lemons. 585 00:23:38,084 --> 00:23:39,461 Thank you. 586 00:23:39,502 --> 00:23:44,048 There goes the last of my self-respect. 587 00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:47,427 ( Sobbing ) 588 00:23:49,971 --> 00:23:52,432 Oh, you poor man. 589 00:23:57,854 --> 00:24:01,900 Oh, you're in no condition to drive. 590 00:24:01,941 --> 00:24:03,401 ( Laughs ) 591 00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:06,779 Why don't I go and get my car 592 00:24:06,821 --> 00:24:10,241 and I'll drive you home myself? 593 00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:11,534 Oh. 594 00:24:11,576 --> 00:24:14,412 ( Laughs ) 595 00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:22,962 I get to go home with a strange woman 596 00:24:23,004 --> 00:24:25,798 'cause I didn't have cab fare. 597 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:30,053 Who's broke, old and lonely now? 598 00:24:30,094 --> 00:24:32,680 Calvin: That day, while I was doing my thing at work, 599 00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:35,016 Jen was doing some things at home. 600 00:24:35,058 --> 00:24:37,435 She put little mister to bed early. 601 00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:40,104 She got the place ready. She got sexy. 602 00:24:40,146 --> 00:24:43,483 There was only one thing she forgot... 603 00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:47,570 To put away the church literature. 604 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:51,282 Great, she's going to church now. 605 00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:52,825 I'll never get head again. 606 00:24:52,867 --> 00:24:54,285 - Jen? - I'm right here. 607 00:24:54,327 --> 00:24:57,163 - Jen? - I'm right here, baby. 608 00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,124 Huah, Mrs. Jen! 609 00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:01,668 Wait, baby, I can't do this. 610 00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:05,004 Yes you can. I got some stay-hard, Spanish fly, 611 00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:06,686 and this stuff. I'm not sure what it does, 612 00:25:06,714 --> 00:25:08,591 'cause all the instructions were in Russian, 613 00:25:08,633 --> 00:25:11,261 but according to the picture on the box, Rasputin's getting it on. 614 00:25:11,302 --> 00:25:13,179 Baby, what is the matter with you? 615 00:25:13,221 --> 00:25:15,223 ( Sighs ) You know what? 616 00:25:15,265 --> 00:25:16,975 That's what I want to know. 617 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:19,978 What is so the matter with me? As much as I've been coming onto you, 618 00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:21,396 you can't touch me anymore? 619 00:25:21,437 --> 00:25:23,481 "Coming onto me"? Baby, no, look... 620 00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,984 I've just been so caught up with everybody else's problems. 621 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:28,361 You know, David moving back on the block... 622 00:25:28,403 --> 00:25:30,321 I must have missed the signals. 623 00:25:30,363 --> 00:25:32,865 ( Laughs ) Well, why are you waiting for signals? 624 00:25:32,907 --> 00:25:35,451 Would it be too much of an effort for you 625 00:25:35,493 --> 00:25:37,495 to get a little rough and dirty with me, 626 00:25:37,537 --> 00:25:39,831 like you did when we first got together? 627 00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,833 It's hard to get rough and dirty with you 628 00:25:41,874 --> 00:25:43,918 'cause the first time I met you, 629 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,379 all you were to me was a tight front and plump back 630 00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:48,381 that I was trying to loosen up anyway that I can, 631 00:25:48,423 --> 00:25:50,526 and I'm just gonna keep going real fast past what I just said 632 00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:52,486 so I can get to the point that I'm really trying to make. 633 00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:54,637 Jen, you're... You're like an angel to me. 634 00:25:54,679 --> 00:25:58,391 You've given me the most amazing gift that a woman can give to a man... 635 00:25:58,433 --> 00:26:00,143 A child. 636 00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:03,605 That's it? You don't want to have sex with me because you think I'm an angel? 637 00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:07,108 You're my baby's mom. And you're, you know, going to church now... 638 00:26:07,150 --> 00:26:09,235 I just went to church to get the sex toys. 639 00:26:09,277 --> 00:26:11,946 Yeah, and I go to Vegas for the gay magicians. 640 00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:13,448 I'm serious. 641 00:26:13,489 --> 00:26:15,551 They had a ladies' night and I just wanted to do something 642 00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:17,035 to be more attractive to you. 643 00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:18,804 I mean, you look good. You've been working out. 644 00:26:18,828 --> 00:26:20,830 Wait, you thought I was trying to get in shape? 645 00:26:20,872 --> 00:26:22,415 Let me show you something. 646 00:26:22,457 --> 00:26:24,584 Yinka: Private foreskin at your cervix. 647 00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:27,754 Oh. I think I lost my appetite. 648 00:26:27,795 --> 00:26:29,797 Yeah, it's like some magic diet video 649 00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:32,967 you can watch and it makes you lose weight without doing anything. 650 00:26:33,009 --> 00:26:34,510 Did you help yinka at all? 651 00:26:34,552 --> 00:26:37,639 Yeah yeah, I gave him some of my dirty talk lines. 652 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,226 "You know you want this dick. Make that ass say my name." 653 00:26:42,268 --> 00:26:43,811 Oh, good ones. 654 00:26:43,853 --> 00:26:45,563 Yeah, I like "whose pussy is it?" 655 00:26:45,605 --> 00:26:48,900 ( Laughs ) I don't think I ever heard you use the... 656 00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:50,276 "P" word before. 657 00:26:50,318 --> 00:26:52,236 Pussy? 658 00:26:52,278 --> 00:26:53,404 Yeah. 659 00:26:53,446 --> 00:26:55,281 Funny, when you say that, 660 00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:58,201 you don't seem so lady-ish. 661 00:26:58,242 --> 00:26:59,661 Baby-mama-ish. 662 00:26:59,702 --> 00:27:01,454 Angel-ish. 663 00:27:01,496 --> 00:27:03,039 Pussy. 664 00:27:03,081 --> 00:27:04,749 Yeah, that's the word. 665 00:27:04,791 --> 00:27:06,084 Pussy! 666 00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:09,128 Make that ass say my name. 667 00:27:10,588 --> 00:27:13,466 - ( Baby crying ) - Oh. 668 00:27:13,508 --> 00:27:15,551 Maybe you should go check on the baby or somethin'? 669 00:27:15,593 --> 00:27:18,262 Yeah, maybe you should just go get on the Internet or something... 670 00:27:18,304 --> 00:27:19,806 Internet, yeah. 671 00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,809 ( Theme music playing ) 672 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:27,980 Man: ♪ I mean, come on ♪ 673 00:27:28,022 --> 00:27:29,399 ♪ give me a break ♪ 674 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,359 ♪ give me a break ♪ 675 00:27:31,401 --> 00:27:33,653 ♪ give me a break ♪ 676 00:27:40,702 --> 00:27:42,328 ♪ I mean, come on ♪ 677 00:27:42,370 --> 00:27:44,288 ♪ give me a break ♪ 678 00:27:44,330 --> 00:27:46,165 ♪ give me a break ♪ 679 00:27:46,207 --> 00:27:48,668 ♪ give me a break. ♪ 680 00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:56,592 Dana: You fucking blinded me!