1 00:00:00,585 --> 00:00:03,046 ( Theme music playing ) 2 00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:32,992 Calvin: Eddie Walker was never a religious cat, 3 00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:35,078 but there comes a moment in every man's life 4 00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,163 when it's time to get closer to god. 5 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:41,292 Lord, last night when I was drunk, 6 00:00:41,334 --> 00:00:45,379 I met a woman, she took me home and we shared a bed. 7 00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:51,219 Please, don't let it be just a dream. 8 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,435 Thank you, god. 9 00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:02,146 Oh, and god, while we're at it, 10 00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:04,023 could you possibly 11 00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:07,443 make it not be a man looking like a woman 12 00:01:07,485 --> 00:01:10,905 that I shared a bed with? 13 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:16,911 Thank you, god. 14 00:01:17,662 --> 00:01:20,164 Oh, and god, if she's a hooker, 15 00:01:20,206 --> 00:01:23,501 please let her accept rolls of pennies. 16 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,297 ♪ Ooh, baby! ♪ 17 00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:32,468 Hello, everybody! Are we ready for a wonderful day? 18 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:35,346 Terri, these are for you. 19 00:01:35,388 --> 00:01:38,224 A thank you, for having helped change my life. 20 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:41,561 The other day you accused me of being old, broke and lonely. 21 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,896 Despite that your comments were meant in jest... 22 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:47,358 I wasn't clownin'. You were born before 1983 which is like some 23 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,735 dinosaur world war ii shit as far as I'm concerned. 24 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:53,948 You pay for things in rolls of pennies, so that covers the broke part. 25 00:01:53,990 --> 00:01:58,828 Your prodding sent me down a path of personal introspection 26 00:01:58,870 --> 00:02:00,538 and emotional growth. 27 00:02:00,580 --> 00:02:03,332 Ironically, that path ended at a dirty bar 28 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:06,878 where I got loaded, met a loose woman who took me home. 29 00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:08,671 Yes, life is good. ( Chuckling ) 30 00:02:08,713 --> 00:02:12,258 Real good, except that sex with women you meet in bars 31 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,303 is usually followed by deep regret and a fiery discharge. 32 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:18,055 Oh! No no. No worries here. 33 00:02:18,097 --> 00:02:20,933 See, my generation grew up believing that 34 00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:24,395 you don't just throw yourself into a sexual relationship. 35 00:02:24,437 --> 00:02:26,230 You get to know the lady first. 36 00:02:26,272 --> 00:02:29,609 - Get to know her graces, her charms. - That's sweet. 37 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,695 Yeah, and after about 10 minutes of that grace and charm shit, 38 00:02:32,737 --> 00:02:35,823 we commenced to fucking. And we fucked and fucked 39 00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:40,036 - and fucked! - Old school love... it is just so romantic. 40 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,829 - Yeah. - You hypocrite! 41 00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:44,540 Always going on about how young people are deviants. 42 00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:48,377 And then you drill the first liquored-up thing that crosses your path. 43 00:02:48,419 --> 00:02:51,547 First of all, that liquored-up thing's name is Claire. 44 00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:54,133 Or, I think... or maybe Carla. 45 00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:57,053 If she comes by the shop, y'all introduce yourself 46 00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,888 so I can catch her name. 47 00:02:58,930 --> 00:03:00,890 Secondly, the old school way 48 00:03:00,932 --> 00:03:02,850 is to get a nice young lady drunk 49 00:03:02,892 --> 00:03:04,936 and then to have nice normal sex with her. 50 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,021 Your new school way is two funny boys 51 00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:10,900 or queer girls having sex and making us all throw 'em a wedding. 52 00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:13,027 - And that's wrong how? - Wrong how?! 53 00:03:13,069 --> 00:03:16,697 You got them deviants saying that they ought to have civil rights! 54 00:03:16,739 --> 00:03:19,075 It's like sucking dick is the same is being black. 55 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:22,453 They're getting messed with because they're different, just like blacks. 56 00:03:22,495 --> 00:03:26,832 Did they get loaded up on a slave ship and brought here from the motherland? 57 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,459 No! No! 58 00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:31,254 Now, if somebody would have made them come over here 59 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:34,090 and take it up the ass, then they'd have a case. 60 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:37,760 I say that with all the new love that I have in my heart. 61 00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:40,388 Some of the laws they're using to keep gays from getting together 62 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:43,557 are the same laws they use to keep interracial couples from getting together. 63 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:47,436 - You would know that, always trying to get our women. - Trying? 64 00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:50,189 He's done with your women. Isaac has moved on to asians. 65 00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:52,191 Calvin: Come on, given our history, 66 00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:53,818 black folk need to understand 67 00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,695 discrimination is discrimination. 68 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,072 You can't say which kind is worse. That's as stupid as 69 00:03:58,114 --> 00:03:59,907 when blacks and Jews argue which is worse: 70 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:02,159 - Slavery or the holocaust? - All: Slavery! 71 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,078 Plus, that really happened. 72 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,039 Eddie, hell just called to confirm your reservation. 73 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,374 For one, right? 74 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,418 Calvin: My birthday was coming up. 75 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:14,130 My wife Jen had the same reaction she has every year... panic. 76 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,966 The problem wasn't that Jen ever got me the wrong gift. 77 00:04:17,008 --> 00:04:20,219 The problem was her sister jan always got me the exact right gift. 78 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:24,265 - Shoelaces! I was just gonna get some shoelaces! - I know. 79 00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:29,353 - No, a "chefs do it with heat" apron? - You got it. 80 00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:31,355 You know what? I was gonna get one of these, 81 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,274 - but I was too embarrassed. - ( Laughs ) 82 00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,401 How's it look? 83 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,361 Wow, it's a little thing! 84 00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,423 With the little... yeah, I was gonna get one of these. 85 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,615 I just didn't know what they were called. 86 00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:44,785 - It's like you're reading my mind. - Jen: I don't know what it is, 87 00:04:44,827 --> 00:04:47,204 but my sister knows exactly what to get Calvin. 88 00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:48,998 The perfect gift every time. 89 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,460 It's like she knows my husband's desires better than me. 90 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,545 And this makes you feel... 91 00:04:54,587 --> 00:04:56,797 Alison, you're my gynecologist, 92 00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:58,132 not a shrink. 93 00:04:58,174 --> 00:05:00,259 In a way, I'm also a shrink. 94 00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:04,472 Very often, women come in with distended clitoral hoods which I surgically shrink 95 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:07,600 to relieve a painful discharge during urination. 96 00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:10,603 Yinka's gonna love you. 97 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,647 Calvin: That her gynecologist might be the perfect match for yinka 98 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:16,233 came to Jen when I showed her a recording yinka'd made 99 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:17,902 for me of yinka talking dirty. 100 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,904 Your hymen is glistening with mucous 101 00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:22,114 and delightfully free of infection. 102 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:23,741 I'm really nervous. 103 00:05:23,783 --> 00:05:25,534 I've never been on a blind date before. 104 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:28,496 You can't feel self-conscious. It's hard to find a man. 105 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,123 Oh, I know. Statistically, it's much harder 106 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:33,250 for intelligent, articulate, successful black women 107 00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:35,795 to find a man compatible with their level of achievement. 108 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:40,049 Sometimes, I'd give up all my looks and intellect to be more like you 109 00:05:40,091 --> 00:05:42,635 and find a man I could settle for. 110 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,470 Yeah. 111 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,056 Well, get ready to settle. 112 00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,522 ( Grunting, moaning ) 113 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:57,483 - We need to talk. - Can we talk in two minutes? 114 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,443 Isaac, I'm serious. 115 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:02,655 I'm serious. Two minutes to finish, that gives you four minutes to talk 116 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,991 while I'm down there sucking air, then it's time for "sports center." 117 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,993 You know my mom's a traditional Asian. 118 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,205 She doesn't want me or my brother having sex before we're married. 119 00:06:11,247 --> 00:06:15,376 Look, I respect your moms, I do. I even feel a little guilty. 120 00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:18,754 Every time we have sex, it's like she's watching us. 121 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:21,590 She couldn't actually watch us. She's blind. 122 00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:25,678 Which is why I'm not worried about it and I continue to have sex with you. 123 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,013 Well, you might want to start to worry. 124 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,515 She's starting to smell you. 125 00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,267 Calvin: Michelle's mom was blind... 126 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:33,602 Michelle, is there somebody in here with you?! 127 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:35,396 Smells like a blinged-out black man! 128 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:38,858 But she had a nose like a superhero. 129 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,110 I want you to wear this Cologne. 130 00:06:41,152 --> 00:06:43,154 My brother wears it, okay? 131 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:46,574 - If you have it on, she won't be able to tell you're around. - Man, that shit stinks! 132 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:49,660 It's a stink that'll throw off bloodhounds. 133 00:06:49,702 --> 00:06:51,454 And it comes in sea breeze. 134 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,873 Calvin: While Isaac was getting it on with Michelle, 135 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,417 Michelle's brother was looking to get it back on with Terri, 136 00:06:56,459 --> 00:06:59,211 who he kicked to the curb about a week ago. 137 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,130 Terri, look, I know you're a hard girl 138 00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:03,132 and you don't give people second chances, 139 00:07:03,174 --> 00:07:05,885 but I made a mistake breaking up with you, okay? 140 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:09,638 So if you would even consider going back out with me... 141 00:07:11,182 --> 00:07:13,017 You remember Terri Jones' sex rules? 142 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,311 - Yeah, we keep our clothes on... - Good enough. 143 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,438 Calvin: Meanwhile, for yinka and Alison, 144 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,440 it was love at first terminology. 145 00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,692 I'm now going to insert my erect penis 146 00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:24,487 into your undulating vagina! 147 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,907 Oh god! I can feel its engorged size 148 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:31,994 giving friction to the walls of my labium! 149 00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:34,371 ( Moaning ) 150 00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:39,293 Calvin: With my birthday getting close 151 00:07:39,335 --> 00:07:41,587 my moms came up for a visit. 152 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:44,089 - ( Loud thud ) - Man: Oh, god, I tripped down the stairs! 153 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,634 Calvin: My moms and my brother Derrick. 154 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,093 This time I'm okay. 155 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:51,555 I didn't really trip, but I could have. 156 00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:54,016 Are you covered against that kind of accident? 157 00:07:54,058 --> 00:07:56,143 Calvin: Derrick was an insurance agent 158 00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:58,521 and had been the number one salesman at his company 159 00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:01,565 for three years running by making it very clear to customers 160 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,984 what kind of bad things could happen to them 161 00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:05,861 if they weren't fully covered. 162 00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,363 This time I'm okay, 163 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,907 but if I had broken my leg... 164 00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:11,242 I could sue you. 165 00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,619 I could sue you and take your children. 166 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:15,829 Do you want to lose your children? 167 00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:17,289 Mommy. 168 00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:20,209 'Cause if you're not properly insured, you could lose your car, 169 00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:22,294 - your house... - Could I lose you? 170 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:25,422 - You could lose everything that's precious to you. - So that's a no? 171 00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:27,591 Okay, you two just stop it. 172 00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,426 There will be no arguing in this family. 173 00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:32,930 Strong black men do not argue except about how much to tip. 174 00:08:32,972 --> 00:08:34,848 Shoot, tipping somebody for doing their job? 175 00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:38,143 - Hey hey, here's a tip: Get work that pays. - Hello. 176 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:41,272 Calvin, honey, I know it's not your birthday yet, 177 00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,315 but I wanted to give this to you early. 178 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,942 Actually, it's a little late. 179 00:08:44,984 --> 00:08:47,695 I had it hidden for your 10th, forgot all about it. 180 00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:50,155 Just now found it. 181 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:53,117 A kung fu Jackson action figure! 182 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,952 You know I really wanted a kung fu Jackson. 183 00:08:54,994 --> 00:08:57,580 All these years I thought you never got it for me. 184 00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:58,914 I was really mad at you for that. 185 00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,332 You didn't need it. 186 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,001 Strong black men don't play with dolls. 187 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,836 Technically, it's an action figure. 188 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,380 Technically, I was worried about you until you married Jen. 189 00:09:06,422 --> 00:09:09,049 So I think I made the right call. 190 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:11,427 What's up, guys? 191 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:14,346 - ( All chattering ) - How you doing? 192 00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:18,225 God damn! What the hell is that funky smell? Is that you? 193 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:19,893 I think he smells kinda nice. 194 00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:22,104 Calvin, you let somebody come into your shop 195 00:09:22,146 --> 00:09:23,897 smelling like some dead man's shoes? 196 00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:28,402 Now I say that with all the new love that I have in my heart. 197 00:09:28,444 --> 00:09:31,530 - ( Men laughing ) - I'm sorry, were you saying something? 198 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:34,408 You got the attention span of a crackhead with a.D.D. 199 00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:36,118 What is your problem? 200 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:39,288 My birthday's coming up. I'm sure all of you know that... 201 00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:40,914 All: Oh, yes, yeah. 202 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:42,958 - Yeah, your birthday. - Marked on my calendar. 203 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,128 Which, by the way, I don't want you doing anything special for. 204 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,255 Yinka: You shouldn't have said that. I had plans. 205 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,674 I got you these flowers. 206 00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:52,676 Yeah yeah. Well, my mom gave me a gift 207 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:55,971 that she was supposed to give me when I was 10 years old but forgot. 208 00:09:56,013 --> 00:09:58,182 It was a kung fu Jackson action figure. 209 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:01,477 But the thing is, I resented 'em for all these years 210 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,562 because I was mad they didn't get it for me, 211 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:06,082 but they did get it, so I was mad for nothing. How messed up is that? 212 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,443 - What the hell's a kung fu Jackson? - Black version of kung fu Jim. 213 00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:11,987 - What the hell is a kung fu Jim? - It's an action figure 214 00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:15,616 with a ju-jitsu grip. It probably should've had the kung fu grip, 215 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:18,702 - but g.I. Joe had a lock on that. - You played with dolls? 216 00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:21,372 It's not a doll. It's an action figure. 217 00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:24,083 - Ah. - Eddie: Maybe they didn't get it for you 218 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,543 'cause nobody ever heard of kung fu Jeff. 219 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,587 Jim. And I wanted the Jackson. 220 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,923 And they did get it for me, you know what I'm saying? 221 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,717 Maybe they just didn't want you to play with dolls. 222 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,886 It's an action figure, okay? 223 00:10:35,928 --> 00:10:38,389 Dolls don't deal out karate-style death and mayhem. 224 00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,432 Does anybody see the point of this story? 225 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:43,352 The point of the story is you're upset because you didn't get some toy. 226 00:10:43,394 --> 00:10:45,979 I grew up in foster care. You know what I wanted? 227 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,481 Real parents. 228 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,525 I wanted two action figures called mommy and daddy. 229 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,319 And you're upset because you didn't get some fuckin' doll. 230 00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:55,406 It's not a fuckin' doll. It's a fuckin' action figure. 231 00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,282 Fuckin' batteries not included. 232 00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,576 Calvin: Jimmy was having a sit-down with his friend 233 00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:02,371 and budding political strategist bruckner Carlton. 234 00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,248 Bruckner's strategy of the day... 235 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,333 Was to get Jimmy to run for the ward's alderman. 236 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,586 Run for alderman? I can't do that. 237 00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:11,130 What do you mean you can't do it? 238 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,881 You practically got a lock on the job. 239 00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:14,967 You're alderman Ray's aide. He's retiring. 240 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:18,637 Calvin: To be real, alderman ray wasn't actually retiring, 241 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,765 he was being forced out of office for being a churchgoing man. 242 00:11:21,807 --> 00:11:24,852 Unfortunately, he was going to church on ladies' sex education nights 243 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:28,522 where he would stand in the corner and stare at women inappropriately. 244 00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:30,357 As if there's an appropriate way 245 00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:32,568 to stare at women buying sex toys in a church. 246 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:35,362 You're a young conservative man of color. You're gonna get attention 247 00:11:35,404 --> 00:11:38,031 even without having anything of substance to offer. 248 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:39,908 Well I do have things to offer. 249 00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,618 Not saying you don't, 250 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,079 but if you don't, your blackness and conservativeness 251 00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:46,081 will cover up for your nothingness. 252 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:49,918 And the great thing... alderman, it's such a nothing position. 253 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,754 Nobody's gonna notice when you lose. 254 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,423 - Look at Alan keyes. - Do not disrespect Alan keys. 255 00:11:54,465 --> 00:11:57,718 When his own daughter came out of the closet, he disowned her. 256 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,762 I don't know I'd have that kind of strength 257 00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:02,598 to stand by my principles and not cave in to love and compassion. 258 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,600 I was at a political event the other night, 259 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,810 - and I mentioned you might run for office. - What?! 260 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:10,063 - You know who started laughing? - I am not five years old. 261 00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:12,858 - I don't care who's laughing... - Barack Obama. 262 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,651 Obama?! You lying. 263 00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:17,279 - I'm not lying. - Calvin: Bruckner wasn't lying. 264 00:12:17,321 --> 00:12:19,323 He talked to Barack Obama at a party 265 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,700 and Obama had laughed, not at Jimmy, 266 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:23,160 but at bruckner's bow-tie. 267 00:12:23,202 --> 00:12:25,496 I mean, a bow-tie? Come on. 268 00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:28,290 Just a mean-spirited laugh. 269 00:12:28,332 --> 00:12:30,083 Unacceptable! 270 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:32,211 I mean, if I don't have the strength 271 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,129 to stand up to Barack Obama's mockery, 272 00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:36,965 how am I ever gonna face an electorate that can't process facts, 273 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:40,677 votes based on sound bites and finds fuckin' al franken funny? 274 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:44,556 I can't... So I will. 275 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:46,517 Now if you will excuse me, 276 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,560 I have a candidacy to announce. 277 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,729 You had the eggs, right? 278 00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:57,277 Oh ho ho. Typical black woman. Putting down your men, 279 00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,363 then getting high every chance you get. 280 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:02,115 Shut the door and get your Lily-white over here. 281 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,286 I found this in romadal's locker. 282 00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:09,414 - You busted into romadal's locker? - I didn't bust in! 283 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,333 It was open. 284 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,381 I knew he was a thug. 285 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,258 You even know if this is weed? 286 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,885 No, it's a giant bag of oregano that romadal carries around 287 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,346 in case he's gonna do some last-minute cooking. 288 00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:25,848 Doesn't smell like any weed I know. 289 00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,516 I know what weed smells like. 290 00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:29,142 I grew up in foster care. 291 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,353 Two things you gotta learn: What weed smells like 292 00:13:31,395 --> 00:13:33,188 and what a back fist feels like. 293 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,941 This smells like... ( Sniffs ) 294 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,026 It's not b.C. Spice. 295 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,822 ( Choked ) Columbian gold, 296 00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:44,116 with a little bit of ginger root in it. 297 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,369 - Terri: Oh shit. - Typical... 298 00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:50,497 Young folks wasting away their day gettin' high. 299 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:53,917 ( Hushed ) Get your ass in. 300 00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,377 This is romadal's. 301 00:13:55,419 --> 00:13:57,170 We're trying to figure out if it's weed. 302 00:13:57,212 --> 00:14:00,591 Of course this is weed. Any fool could tell ya that. 303 00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,051 This is weed. 304 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,846 Though it don't smell like that Texas red. 305 00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:09,641 Smells more like something I smoked once in... 306 00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,227 California years back. 307 00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,397 - What were you doing in Cali? - Believe it or not... 308 00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,900 I used to want to be an actor. 309 00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:21,778 Okay, everybody reading for the part of the police informant, 310 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,907 please make sure you have your paperwork filled out. 311 00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:28,285 This script is great, huh? It makes perfect sense... 312 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:30,996 That a couple of cops is getting all the information 313 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:33,665 from a street pimp. That's so real! 314 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,500 And they're doing this new show 315 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,711 about a cruise ship where people fall in love. 316 00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:40,433 I hear that they're auditioning blacks for the part of the bartender. 317 00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:44,343 Blacks playing pimps and bartenders on television? 318 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:48,263 We really are moving on up. 319 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,017 And to think, 320 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,645 those are the horrible stereotypes of black people 321 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,813 they used to perpetuate on TV. 322 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,942 - Thank god those days are gone. - Thank god for that. 323 00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:02,277 Well, all right, let's all light up, get high, 324 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,571 and I can tell you more about that woman 325 00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:07,658 I jungle-fucked when I was drunk. Come on... 326 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:12,371 Typical! Black Americans engaging in illegal activities 327 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,164 during work hours! 328 00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:16,166 - Oh! - Shut the door! Come on. Damn. 329 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,377 - See what I'm talking about? - Yeah. 330 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,212 - Who's ne... - Here. 331 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:23,382 - Where is everybody? - What the... 332 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,009 Romadal, where's Eddie and everybody? 333 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,095 Man, I ain't they mama. 334 00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,305 - ( Mutters ) One day... - ( Bells jangle ) 335 00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:34,184 Oh my god, Calvin, this dude just fell down and bust his leg outside. 336 00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:35,769 Call 911. 337 00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:39,731 - Man, you all right? - This time I'm okay. 338 00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:43,527 Next time could be a disaster for you and your business. 339 00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,946 Are you properly insured against this type of accident? 340 00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:48,991 - You gotta come down to my business and cause trouble? - Trouble? 341 00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:51,994 Or a scary vision of things to come if you're not carrying 342 00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:54,413 the proper amount of limited liability insurance. 343 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:58,792 And are those open electrical outlets? 344 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,420 What I accidentally poke my finger in those? 345 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,922 - They are, and go ahead. - So you think it's funny? 346 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,008 People getting electrocuted, that's... 347 00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:08,385 Calvin: You can't let your family nonsense get you down. 348 00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,762 All you can do is be thankful that your family nonsense 349 00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:13,849 isn't like Jackson family nonsense or Lohan family nonsense. 350 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:15,767 And right about then, 351 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:18,311 Jen was suffering some family nonsense with her sister jan. 352 00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:20,188 - You do it on purpose, don't you? - What? 353 00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,733 Buy more appropriate gifts for Calvin than I do. 354 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,568 Does that hurt you, Jen? 355 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,653 Does that cause emotional pain? 356 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,447 It's slightly annoying. 357 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,198 Like the way you annoy me 358 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,535 by showing off your successful life all the time in front of me. 359 00:16:33,577 --> 00:16:35,412 Everyone knows how hard it is 360 00:16:35,454 --> 00:16:37,748 for intelligent, successful black women 361 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,166 to find a man. 362 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,209 What you do you do? Go out and get one 363 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:43,420 and flaunt him all over the place. 364 00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:46,089 Well, if you think that sitting at home 365 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,592 changing poopy diapers is flaunting, 366 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,719 you're gonna be one happily married girl... 367 00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:53,847 Once you can find a man who can stand you. 368 00:16:53,889 --> 00:16:56,099 Can't you just be jealous like normal women 369 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,809 and try to have sex with my husband? 370 00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:01,104 I've done far worse than have sex with Cal. 371 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:03,857 I've purchased something for him. 372 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:08,070 - After I didn't get the part on the TV show... - Mm-hmm. 373 00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,446 I moved east to Chicago. 374 00:17:09,488 --> 00:17:11,656 You were almost on a TV show. 375 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:15,535 You know, I was on a short-lived TV show in the '70s. 376 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,997 Another dead hooker. 377 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,832 If we're gonna crack this case, 378 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,709 we need somebody to go undercover 379 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:26,671 in the exotic, dangerous, sexy world of prostitution. 380 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:32,344 Sugah, all you need is sassy blaque! 381 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:36,473 ( Gunshots ) 382 00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:38,183 - A '70s TV show? - Mm-hmm. 383 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:41,103 Is there nothing that we don't have in common? 384 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,813 Maybe not. 385 00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:45,941 You know something, Eddie, maybe we ought to take this slowly. 386 00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:48,318 I mean... We met at a bar 387 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,738 after getting really drunk and... 388 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,782 You really don't know anything about me. 389 00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:55,659 I know you make me happy. 390 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,702 I know you were on a TV show in the '70s. 391 00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,872 - I know you get easily loaded on courvoisier. - ( Laughs ) 392 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:05,377 Really, I mean, that's like a trifecta of love, is what that is. 393 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:08,880 When we met, you told me that you felt... 394 00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:11,341 Old and alone and... 395 00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:13,468 Maybe I'm not what makes you happy. 396 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:16,179 Maybe you're just happy not being alone. 397 00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:17,848 Maybe. 398 00:18:17,889 --> 00:18:20,892 You see? You make me think things 399 00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,477 I never thought of before. 400 00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:25,522 - Mmm. - Damn, woman. 401 00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:28,650 You complete me. 402 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,611 - Terri, hold up. - Come on, man, 403 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,655 I've already been not selfish once today 404 00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:36,700 - and I'm not going back down there. - No no, it's my mom. 405 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:38,368 She's getting hip to us. 406 00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:41,204 Michael, is there somebody in here with you?! 407 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,123 I smell b.C. Spice! ( Sniffs ) 408 00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,041 And a cheap dye-job. 409 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,504 I've got something I want you to put on. 410 00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:51,756 Okay, here's the deal. I don't play schoolgirl, 411 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,676 schoolboy, sexy gym teacher, sexy guidance counselor, 412 00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,137 - sexy clown... - No, this is my sister's. 413 00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,930 Oh, damn. 414 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,266 - It's perfume. - Oh, perfume, nice. 415 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,602 You better not want me to play sexy door-to-door- 416 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:08,023 - fashion-fair- cosmetic saleslady. - No. 417 00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:09,274 No! 418 00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:12,027 All right, who's n... 419 00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:15,488 Now where the hell is everybody? 420 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:18,617 Man, I look like I even kinda give a fuck? 421 00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:21,953 It's love, children. It's love. 422 00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:25,999 - I met Claire at the bar. - Yeah, I heard that story already, man. 423 00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:29,669 Look, Eddie, I know you're flipped and all, okay? 424 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,463 But I kinda miss the old cranky Eddie 425 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,466 that'll bust on you, eat some fried food then move on. 426 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,259 I miss him too. Yeah! 427 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,304 So if you want to throw a "crazy white boy" crack at me, 428 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,974 I'll run down to popeye's and grab you a plate of classic mild. 429 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,101 What is that stink? 430 00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:46,770 Terri, is that you? 431 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,731 - I think she smells kinda nice. - Thank you. 432 00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:52,859 The whole world smells better... 433 00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,904 ♪ When you're in love. ♪ 434 00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:57,530 ( All laughing ) 435 00:19:57,572 --> 00:20:01,034 The only thing yinka wants to smell 436 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:03,870 is another blunt getting sparked. 437 00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:05,789 Light me up. 438 00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:08,375 I heard that shit, dawg. 439 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:11,795 Oh, shit, it's all gone. We killed it. 440 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,672 Y'all smoked it up already?! 441 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,466 - You couldn't savor this shit? - All right, it's gone. 442 00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:18,551 It's cool. I mean, it wasn't ours anyhow. 443 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,637 It's not like we're junkies and need that shit. 444 00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:23,640 - You're right. You're right. - That's true. 445 00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:26,351 ( Yells ) I want more dope! 446 00:20:26,977 --> 00:20:28,812 Those fries good? 447 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,647 Not too golden brown, were they? 448 00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,607 Well as I notice... 449 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,277 You like ketchup with them. 450 00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:39,447 Get the man some more ketchup! 451 00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:42,951 So what ya'll bitches want? 452 00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:45,036 We're trying to... We're trying to be decent... 453 00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,664 See our brothers acclimated to life outside the penal system. 454 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:51,293 If you find it odd that four people who've never said a word to you 455 00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,796 all of a sudden want to be your friends, well that's on you. 456 00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:00,552 - So what y'all bitches want? - We want more dope. 457 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,475 How you know I got weed? 458 00:21:07,517 --> 00:21:10,854 - Y'all motherfuckers going through my shit? - You trying to flip it around? 459 00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:13,148 Make it about me breaking into your locker? 460 00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:16,151 Can't take responsibility for you own actions? 461 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:20,155 - Can we get more dope, please? - Yeah. 462 00:21:20,196 --> 00:21:22,198 ( Laughing ) 463 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,659 I'll hook you up. 464 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:27,037 Woulda broke y'all off, 465 00:21:27,078 --> 00:21:28,955 but since y'all niggas is crooks, 466 00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,499 it's gonna be three bills. Each. 467 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,251 God damn! 468 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,628 What happened to the dime bag? 469 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:39,257 I want to just have a little taste test before I go see Michael. 470 00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:42,510 - You really got it for him. - He can handle my moods. 471 00:21:42,552 --> 00:21:44,763 - Not a lot of guys can do that. - That's true. 472 00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:48,183 But I been saving it. I'm saving myself for the right guy. 473 00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:50,518 - Terri Jones's shit is pure. - Yeah, it is. 474 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,896 I think I'm ready to do things with him. 475 00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:56,024 That's good that you met somebody like that. 476 00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:57,942 I'm glad for you. 477 00:21:57,984 --> 00:21:59,944 I think of you as a sister. 478 00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:01,821 - Yeah? - Mm-hmm. 479 00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:04,616 A sister sister. Not a "sistah" sister. 480 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:06,993 I want you to be happy. I do. 481 00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:09,371 Thank you. 482 00:22:19,297 --> 00:22:20,965 Mmm, okay, that did not happen. 483 00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:24,135 - No no no. - Whew! That was the weed making me act out. 484 00:22:24,177 --> 00:22:26,679 I'm not letting myself flip for you. You're cool and all 485 00:22:26,721 --> 00:22:30,016 and you're good looking and you got a mad body and you smell good, 486 00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:32,519 - but I'm not flippin' for you. - Terri, just hold up. 487 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,562 You're weirded out. Just wait up. 488 00:22:34,604 --> 00:22:37,399 Calvin: Unfortunately, Isaac and Terri weren't the only ones 489 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,859 romadal's weed was making act a little crazy. 490 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:42,112 Oh! I can feel my vaginal secretions 491 00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:44,572 running down my perineum! 492 00:22:44,614 --> 00:22:47,742 Oh, I'm going to make that ass say my name! 493 00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:50,578 Whose pussy is that?! Who owns that shit?! 494 00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:56,084 - Wait, don't go! - You got a problem! You need Jesus! 495 00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,919 ( Screams ) 496 00:22:57,961 --> 00:23:01,131 Calvin: For Eddie, it wasn't the weed, it was love. 497 00:23:01,172 --> 00:23:03,258 And if weed makes you act crazy, 498 00:23:03,299 --> 00:23:05,135 love damn sure messes you up. 499 00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:07,595 We can't keep seeing each other all the time like this. 500 00:23:07,637 --> 00:23:09,806 - We really need to... - Take it slow. 501 00:23:09,848 --> 00:23:13,810 You keep saying that. But I've been taking things slow. 502 00:23:13,852 --> 00:23:16,813 I have waited my whole life 503 00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,106 for someone like you 504 00:23:18,148 --> 00:23:20,233 who can make me feel the way I feel. 505 00:23:20,275 --> 00:23:24,154 - And it's not that I don't feel the same way too... - I am not slowing down, 506 00:23:24,195 --> 00:23:27,949 I'm not backing off. I'm not letting you go. 507 00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:29,909 I need to be honest with you. 508 00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:33,788 - And if you still feel anything for me... - what are you gonna tell me? 509 00:23:33,830 --> 00:23:35,457 I know that you're not married. 510 00:23:35,498 --> 00:23:38,418 And if you got kids, they gotta be grown. 511 00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:41,045 And I love grown kids. 512 00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:44,799 I've had a sex change operation. 513 00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:47,135 Sex change? 514 00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:51,848 From woman to all woman? 515 00:23:51,890 --> 00:23:55,393 I'm a man. I used to be a man. 516 00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:57,562 I've had my sex changed. 517 00:23:58,730 --> 00:24:00,523 I asked you 518 00:24:00,565 --> 00:24:02,942 to not let me have sex with a man. 519 00:24:02,984 --> 00:24:05,528 You make the sun rise and set every day. 520 00:24:05,570 --> 00:24:07,447 Can't you do something simple 521 00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:10,533 like not let me have sex with a man? 522 00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:13,953 What the... a key chain 523 00:24:13,995 --> 00:24:17,373 to a '64-1/2 mustang. I love old 'stangs, baby! 524 00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:19,292 This is great! How'd you know I wanted one? 525 00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:22,754 Please, Cal, how hard is it to know what a man wants? 526 00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:24,339 That's great. You know what? 527 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:26,299 This has been the best birthday ever. 528 00:24:26,341 --> 00:24:29,719 - You still have one more gift to open: Mine. - Really? 529 00:24:29,761 --> 00:24:31,679 Baby, I don't know how I could have missed it. 530 00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:34,641 Maybe you felt like your pleasure had reached the natural climax. 531 00:24:34,682 --> 00:24:38,853 - No, it was just kinda hidden underneath there. - Oh. 532 00:24:39,771 --> 00:24:42,690 Wow, it's a donation in my name to "toys for tots." 533 00:24:42,732 --> 00:24:44,776 Jen: When you told me how disappointed you were 534 00:24:44,817 --> 00:24:48,029 that you didn't get that kung fu Jackson action figure 535 00:24:48,071 --> 00:24:50,782 I started thinking of all the less fortunate children 536 00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:53,159 who spend every birthday disappointed. 537 00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:55,119 So what better present could I give you 538 00:24:55,161 --> 00:24:57,247 than sharing the joy you feel with a child? 539 00:24:57,288 --> 00:25:00,208 So every time you see a little boy or girl 540 00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:02,168 laughing and playing with a toy, smile. 541 00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:04,712 Smile with them and know that that's your gift. 542 00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:07,298 That is the most stupidest... 543 00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:08,800 Calvin: Sweetest, special... 544 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:10,593 This has gotta be the best gift 545 00:25:10,635 --> 00:25:12,762 anyone's ever gotten for me baby. Thank you. 546 00:25:12,804 --> 00:25:15,932 I'm sorry, did you say best? 547 00:25:15,974 --> 00:25:19,060 So sweet. Stop it. 548 00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:20,436 I'm sorry, y'all. 549 00:25:20,478 --> 00:25:22,480 I don't mean to get soft in front of women. 550 00:25:22,522 --> 00:25:24,482 Not just women, I'm here too. 551 00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:26,818 Make yourself useful, go cut the cake. 552 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:28,945 That's great. 553 00:25:28,987 --> 00:25:33,116 Baby, is there anything else you want to share with me on my birthday? 554 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,785 Mmm, I can think of one more thing. 555 00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:37,829 ( Loud crash, dishes shatter ) 556 00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:40,331 Derrick: Oh, god! I've fallen and I cut myself! 557 00:25:40,373 --> 00:25:43,167 Oh, stop it, boy. Ain't nobody playing with you right now. 558 00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:45,712 - ( All chuckling ) - Derrick: This time, I'm not okay. 559 00:25:45,753 --> 00:25:48,631 I really cut myself badly! I think I'm bleeding out! 560 00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:50,675 Mom: Oh my lord, he is bleeding! 561 00:25:50,717 --> 00:25:52,885 Mama, he is just trying to sell insurance. 562 00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:56,514 - Don't y'all know a sales pitch when you see one? - Calvin, call 911! 563 00:25:56,556 --> 00:25:58,433 Oh, god. All right, all right. 564 00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:00,476 I'll call, but i'm dialing with reluctance. 565 00:26:00,518 --> 00:26:04,147 - Doctor, how's my baby? - We've managed to stabilize Derrick, 566 00:26:04,188 --> 00:26:05,857 but he's lost a lot of blood. 567 00:26:05,898 --> 00:26:08,610 It was unfortunate that 911 took so long to respond. 568 00:26:08,651 --> 00:26:10,320 - I'm sorry. - It's not your fault. 569 00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:12,488 You're his brother, it's not like you would have 570 00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:15,116 reluctantly dialed the phone for your own brother. 571 00:26:15,158 --> 00:26:16,868 Can you give him a transfusion? 572 00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:19,078 His blood type is a.B. Negative. 573 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,205 It's very rare and our supplies are limited. 574 00:26:21,247 --> 00:26:24,125 If you have any family members with that blood type, 575 00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:25,960 please get 'em in here. Other than that, 576 00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,212 all we can do is wait and hope he improves. 577 00:26:28,254 --> 00:26:30,965 - Fortunately, your brother was insured. - Figures. 578 00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:33,926 But it was some of the worst insurance I've ever seen, 579 00:26:33,968 --> 00:26:37,555 so we're gonna need a credit card imprint before you go. 580 00:26:37,597 --> 00:26:39,223 Figures. 581 00:26:39,265 --> 00:26:41,726 Hey, Mrs. Kang, is Michael around? 582 00:26:41,768 --> 00:26:43,353 Michael's going away. 583 00:26:43,394 --> 00:26:46,022 And he won't be returning for a long long 584 00:26:46,064 --> 00:26:47,732 long long time. 585 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:50,485 - He split?! Why? - There was a family problem. 586 00:26:50,526 --> 00:26:53,655 Calvin: The problem was the night Terri and Isaac lost control, 587 00:26:53,696 --> 00:26:56,449 Dana happened to be passing by on her way home. 588 00:26:56,491 --> 00:26:59,243 She heard two people making out, smelled the fragrances 589 00:26:59,285 --> 00:27:01,579 her kids had given Terri and Isaac. 590 00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:03,915 Michael? 591 00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:05,958 Michelle?! 592 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,669 Holy fuck! 593 00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:10,505 Calvin: Thinking her kids were getting it on with each other 594 00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:13,216 Dana immediately sent Michelle to a convent 595 00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:15,218 and Michael got enlisted in the Navy. 596 00:27:15,259 --> 00:27:18,137 - And say goodbye to Michelle. - Send him to Iraq, not Asia. 597 00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:21,265 We got too many relatives in Asia. 598 00:27:22,016 --> 00:27:24,268 So long! 599 00:27:25,937 --> 00:27:27,689 Didn't even tell me goodbye. 600 00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:30,400 - I thought he dug me! - Yep, had us all fooled. 601 00:27:30,441 --> 00:27:34,028 Calvin: So the gifts Terri and Isaac got from Michael and Michelle 602 00:27:34,070 --> 00:27:36,823 ended up breaking them all up. 603 00:27:38,241 --> 00:27:42,995 That's the thing about gifts... it's not the size, it's the thought. 604 00:27:43,788 --> 00:27:45,581 And sometimes, with some gifts, 605 00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:47,250 you don't know what to think, 606 00:27:47,291 --> 00:27:50,461 or where the hell they came from. 607 00:27:54,298 --> 00:27:56,884 All you can do is dig them. 608 00:27:56,926 --> 00:27:58,469 Ha! 609 00:27:58,511 --> 00:28:03,015 A kung fu Jackson kung pao action cruiser. 610 00:28:03,057 --> 00:28:05,977 With working low-rider hydraulics. 611 00:28:06,018 --> 00:28:08,104 Damn! 612 00:28:11,983 --> 00:28:14,986 Vroom! Vroom! Action Jackson! 613 00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:17,655 ( Clears throat ) 614 00:28:19,699 --> 00:28:21,033 Pretty cool. 615 00:28:21,075 --> 00:28:24,662 ♪ Kung fu man from the kung fu land ♪ 616 00:28:24,704 --> 00:28:28,499 ♪ kung fu man from the kung fu land ♪ 617 00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:30,585 ♪ I'm the kung fu man ♪ 618 00:28:30,626 --> 00:28:32,378 ♪ from the kung fu land ♪ 619 00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:36,674 ♪ sweeping this land with the kung fu dance ♪ 620 00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:38,593 ♪ you start with a bow ♪ 621 00:28:38,634 --> 00:28:40,720 ♪ then you make your stand ♪ 622 00:28:40,762 --> 00:28:42,597 ♪ now you swing your hands ♪ 623 00:28:42,638 --> 00:28:44,557 ♪ with the kung fu band ♪ 624 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:46,809 ♪ now you bend your knees ♪ 625 00:28:46,851 --> 00:28:48,436 ♪ to kick your feet ♪ 626 00:28:48,478 --> 00:28:52,523 ♪ all in one motion along with the beat ♪ 627 00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:54,025 ♪ kung fu... ♪ 628 00:28:54,066 --> 00:28:56,277 Dana: Holy fuck! 629 00:28:56,319 --> 00:29:00,948 ♪ Kung fu, it's done with perfect timing. ♪