( Theme music playing )
Calvin: Eddie Walker was never a religious cat,
but there comes a moment in every man's life
when it's time to get closer to god.
Lord, last night when I was drunk,
I met a woman, she took me home and we shared a bed.
Please, don't let it be just a dream.
Thank you, god.
Oh, and god, while we're at it,
could you possibly
make it not be a man looking like a woman
that I shared a bed with?
Thank you, god.
Oh, and god, if she's a hooker,
please let her accept rolls of pennies.
♪ Ooh, baby! ♪
Hello, everybody! Are we ready for a wonderful day?
Terri, these are for you.
A thank you, for having helped change my life.
The other day you accused me of being old, broke and lonely.
Despite that your comments were meant in jest...
I wasn't clownin'. You were born before 1983 which is like some
dinosaur world war ii shit as far as I'm concerned.
You pay for things in rolls of pennies, so that covers the broke part.
Your prodding sent me down a path of personal introspection
and emotional growth.
Ironically, that path ended at a dirty bar
where I got loaded, met a loose woman who took me home.
Yes, life is good. ( Chuckling )
Real good, except that sex with women you meet in bars
is usually followed by deep regret and a fiery discharge.
Oh! No no. No worries here.
See, my generation grew up believing that
you don't just throw yourself into a sexual relationship.
You get to know the lady first.
- Get to know her graces, her charms. - That's sweet.
Yeah, and after about 10 minutes of that grace and charm shit,
we commenced to fucking. And we fucked and fucked
- and fucked! - Old school love... it is just so romantic.
- Yeah. - You hypocrite!
Always going on about how young people are deviants.
And then you drill the first liquored-up thing that crosses your path.
First of all, that liquored-up thing's name is Claire.
Or, I think... or maybe Carla.
If she comes by the shop, y'all introduce yourself
so I can catch her name.
Secondly, the old school way
is to get a nice young lady drunk
and then to have nice normal sex with her.
Your new school way is two funny boys
or queer girls having sex and making us all throw 'em a wedding.
- And that's wrong how? - Wrong how?!
You got them deviants saying that they ought to have civil rights!
It's like sucking dick is the same is being black.
They're getting messed with because they're different, just like blacks.
Did they get loaded up on a slave ship and brought here from the motherland?
No! No!
Now, if somebody would have made them come over here
and take it up the ass, then they'd have a case.
I say that with all the new love that I have in my heart.
Some of the laws they're using to keep gays from getting together
are the same laws they use to keep interracial couples from getting together.
- You would know that, always trying to get our women. - Trying?
He's done with your women. Isaac has moved on to asians.
Calvin: Come on, given our history,
black folk need to understand
discrimination is discrimination.
You can't say which kind is worse. That's as stupid as
when blacks and Jews argue which is worse:
- Slavery or the holocaust? - All: Slavery!
Plus, that really happened.
Eddie, hell just called to confirm your reservation.
For one, right?
Calvin: My birthday was coming up.
My wife Jen had the same reaction she has every year... panic.
The problem wasn't that Jen ever got me the wrong gift.
The problem was her sister jan always got me the exact right gift.
- Shoelaces! I was just gonna get some shoelaces! - I know.
- No, a "chefs do it with heat" apron? - You got it.
You know what? I was gonna get one of these,
- but I was too embarrassed. - ( Laughs )
How's it look?
Wow, it's a little thing!
With the little... yeah, I was gonna get one of these.
I just didn't know what they were called.
- It's like you're reading my mind. - Jen: I don't know what it is,
but my sister knows exactly what to get Calvin.
The perfect gift every time.
It's like she knows my husband's desires better than me.
And this makes you feel...
Alison, you're my gynecologist,
not a shrink.
In a way, I'm also a shrink.
Very often, women come in with distended clitoral hoods which I surgically shrink
to relieve a painful discharge during urination.
Yinka's gonna love you.
Calvin: That her gynecologist might be the perfect match for yinka
came to Jen when I showed her a recording yinka'd made
for me of yinka talking dirty.
Your hymen is glistening with mucous
and delightfully free of infection.
I'm really nervous.
I've never been on a blind date before.
You can't feel self-conscious. It's hard to find a man.
Oh, I know. Statistically, it's much harder
for intelligent, articulate, successful black women
to find a man compatible with their level of achievement.
Sometimes, I'd give up all my looks and intellect to be more like you
and find a man I could settle for.
Yeah.
Well, get ready to settle.
( Grunting, moaning )
- We need to talk. - Can we talk in two minutes?
Isaac, I'm serious.
I'm serious. Two minutes to finish, that gives you four minutes to talk
while I'm down there sucking air, then it's time for "sports center."
You know my mom's a traditional Asian.
She doesn't want me or my brother having sex before we're married.
Look, I respect your moms, I do. I even feel a little guilty.
Every time we have sex, it's like she's watching us.
She couldn't actually watch us. She's blind.
Which is why I'm not worried about it and I continue to have sex with you.
Well, you might want to start to worry.
She's starting to smell you.
Calvin: Michelle's mom was blind...
Michelle, is there somebody in here with you?!
Smells like a blinged-out black man!
But she had a nose like a superhero.
I want you to wear this Cologne.
My brother wears it, okay?
- If you have it on, she won't be able to tell you're around. - Man, that shit stinks!
It's a stink that'll throw off bloodhounds.
And it comes in sea breeze.
Calvin: While Isaac was getting it on with Michelle,
Michelle's brother was looking to get it back on with Terri,
who he kicked to the curb about a week ago.
Terri, look, I know you're a hard girl
and you don't give people second chances,
but I made a mistake breaking up with you, okay?
So if you would even consider going back out with me...
You remember Terri Jones' sex rules?
- Yeah, we keep our clothes on... - Good enough.
Calvin: Meanwhile, for yinka and Alison,
it was love at first terminology.
I'm now going to insert my erect penis
into your undulating vagina!
Oh god! I can feel its engorged size
giving friction to the walls of my labium!
( Moaning )
Calvin: With my birthday getting close
my moms came up for a visit.
- ( Loud thud ) - Man: Oh, god, I tripped down the stairs!
Calvin: My moms and my brother Derrick.
This time I'm okay.
I didn't really trip, but I could have.
Are you covered against that kind of accident?
Calvin: Derrick was an insurance agent
and had been the number one salesman at his company
for three years running by making it very clear to customers
what kind of bad things could happen to them
if they weren't fully covered.
This time I'm okay,
but if I had broken my leg...
I could sue you.
I could sue you and take your children.
Do you want to lose your children?
Mommy.
'Cause if you're not properly insured, you could lose your car,
- your house... - Could I lose you?
- You could lose everything that's precious to you. - So that's a no?
Okay, you two just stop it.
There will be no arguing in this family.
Strong black men do not argue except about how much to tip.
Shoot, tipping somebody for doing their job?
- Hey hey, here's a tip: Get work that pays. - Hello.
Calvin, honey, I know it's not your birthday yet,
but I wanted to give this to you early.
Actually, it's a little late.
I had it hidden for your 10th, forgot all about it.
Just now found it.
A kung fu Jackson action figure!
You know I really wanted a kung fu Jackson.
All these years I thought you never got it for me.
I was really mad at you for that.
You didn't need it.
Strong black men don't play with dolls.
Technically, it's an action figure.
Technically, I was worried about you until you married Jen.
So I think I made the right call.
What's up, guys?
- ( All chattering ) - How you doing?
God damn! What the hell is that funky smell? Is that you?
I think he smells kinda nice.
Calvin, you let somebody come into your shop
smelling like some dead man's shoes?
Now I say that with all the new love that I have in my heart.
- ( Men laughing ) - I'm sorry, were you saying something?
You got the attention span of a crackhead with a.D.D.
What is your problem?
My birthday's coming up. I'm sure all of you know that...
All: Oh, yes, yeah.
- Yeah, your birthday. - Marked on my calendar.
Which, by the way, I don't want you doing anything special for.
Yinka: You shouldn't have said that. I had plans.
I got you these flowers.
Yeah yeah. Well, my mom gave me a gift
that she was supposed to give me when I was 10 years old but forgot.
It was a kung fu Jackson action figure.
But the thing is, I resented 'em for all these years
because I was mad they didn't get it for me,
but they did get it, so I was mad for nothing. How messed up is that?
- What the hell's a kung fu Jackson? - Black version of kung fu Jim.
- What the hell is a kung fu Jim? - It's an action figure
with a ju-jitsu grip. It probably should've had the kung fu grip,
- but g.I. Joe had a lock on that. - You played with dolls?
It's not a doll. It's an action figure.
- Ah. - Eddie: Maybe they didn't get it for you
'cause nobody ever heard of kung fu Jeff.
Jim. And I wanted the Jackson.
And they did get it for me, you know what I'm saying?
Maybe they just didn't want you to play with dolls.
It's an action figure, okay?
Dolls don't deal out karate-style death and mayhem.
Does anybody see the point of this story?
The point of the story is you're upset because you didn't get some toy.
I grew up in foster care. You know what I wanted?
Real parents.
I wanted two action figures called mommy and daddy.
And you're upset because you didn't get some fuckin' doll.
It's not a fuckin' doll. It's a fuckin' action figure.
Fuckin' batteries not included.
Calvin: Jimmy was having a sit-down with his friend
and budding political strategist bruckner Carlton.
Bruckner's strategy of the day...
Was to get Jimmy to run for the ward's alderman.
Run for alderman? I can't do that.
What do you mean you can't do it?
You practically got a lock on the job.
You're alderman Ray's aide. He's retiring.
Calvin: To be real, alderman ray wasn't actually retiring,
he was being forced out of office for being a churchgoing man.
Unfortunately, he was going to church on ladies' sex education nights
where he would stand in the corner and stare at women inappropriately.
As if there's an appropriate way
to stare at women buying sex toys in a church.
You're a young conservative man of color. You're gonna get attention
even without having anything of substance to offer.
Well I do have things to offer.
Not saying you don't,
but if you don't, your blackness and conservativeness
will cover up for your nothingness.
And the great thing... alderman, it's such a nothing position.
Nobody's gonna notice when you lose.
- Look at Alan keyes. - Do not disrespect Alan keys.
When his own daughter came out of the closet, he disowned her.
I don't know I'd have that kind of strength
to stand by my principles and not cave in to love and compassion.
I was at a political event the other night,
- and I mentioned you might run for office. - What?!
- You know who started laughing? - I am not five years old.
- I don't care who's laughing... - Barack Obama.
Obama?! You lying.
- I'm not lying. - Calvin: Bruckner wasn't lying.
He talked to Barack Obama at a party
and Obama had laughed, not at Jimmy,
but at bruckner's bow-tie.
I mean, a bow-tie? Come on.
Just a mean-spirited laugh.
Unacceptable!
I mean, if I don't have the strength
to stand up to Barack Obama's mockery,
how am I ever gonna face an electorate that can't process facts,
votes based on sound bites and finds fuckin' al franken funny?
I can't... So I will.
Now if you will excuse me,
I have a candidacy to announce.
You had the eggs, right?
Oh ho ho. Typical black woman. Putting down your men,
then getting high every chance you get.
Shut the door and get your Lily-white over here.
I found this in romadal's locker.
- You busted into romadal's locker? - I didn't bust in!
It was open.
I knew he was a thug.
You even know if this is weed?
No, it's a giant bag of oregano that romadal carries around
in case he's gonna do some last-minute cooking.
Doesn't smell like any weed I know.
I know what weed smells like.
I grew up in foster care.
Two things you gotta learn: What weed smells like
and what a back fist feels like.
This smells like... ( Sniffs )
It's not b.C. Spice.
( Choked ) Columbian gold,
with a little bit of ginger root in it.
- Terri: Oh shit. - Typical...
Young folks wasting away their day gettin' high.
( Hushed ) Get your ass in.
This is romadal's.
We're trying to figure out if it's weed.
Of course this is weed. Any fool could tell ya that.
This is weed.
Though it don't smell like that Texas red.
Smells more like something I smoked once in...
California years back.
- What were you doing in Cali? - Believe it or not...
I used to want to be an actor.
Okay, everybody reading for the part of the police informant,
please make sure you have your paperwork filled out.
This script is great, huh? It makes perfect sense...
That a couple of cops is getting all the information
from a street pimp. That's so real!
And they're doing this new show
about a cruise ship where people fall in love.
I hear that they're auditioning blacks for the part of the bartender.
Blacks playing pimps and bartenders on television?
We really are moving on up.
And to think,
those are the horrible stereotypes of black people
they used to perpetuate on TV.
- Thank god those days are gone. - Thank god for that.
Well, all right, let's all light up, get high,
and I can tell you more about that woman
I jungle-fucked when I was drunk. Come on...
Typical! Black Americans engaging in illegal activities
during work hours!
- Oh! - Shut the door! Come on. Damn.
- See what I'm talking about? - Yeah.
- Who's ne... - Here.
- Where is everybody? - What the...
Romadal, where's Eddie and everybody?
Man, I ain't they mama.
- ( Mutters ) One day... - ( Bells jangle )
Oh my god, Calvin, this dude just fell down and bust his leg outside.
Call 911.
- Man, you all right? - This time I'm okay.
Next time could be a disaster for you and your business.
Are you properly insured against this type of accident?
- You gotta come down to my business and cause trouble? - Trouble?
Or a scary vision of things to come if you're not carrying
the proper amount of limited liability insurance.
And are those open electrical outlets?
What I accidentally poke my finger in those?
- They are, and go ahead. - So you think it's funny?
People getting electrocuted, that's...
Calvin: You can't let your family nonsense get you down.
All you can do is be thankful that your family nonsense
isn't like Jackson family nonsense or Lohan family nonsense.
And right about then,
Jen was suffering some family nonsense with her sister jan.
- You do it on purpose, don't you? - What?
Buy more appropriate gifts for Calvin than I do.
Does that hurt you, Jen?
Does that cause emotional pain?
It's slightly annoying.
Like the way you annoy me
by showing off your successful life all the time in front of me.
Everyone knows how hard it is
for intelligent, successful black women
to find a man.
What you do you do? Go out and get one
and flaunt him all over the place.
Well, if you think that sitting at home
changing poopy diapers is flaunting,
you're gonna be one happily married girl...
Once you can find a man who can stand you.
Can't you just be jealous like normal women
and try to have sex with my husband?
I've done far worse than have sex with Cal.
I've purchased something for him.
- After I didn't get the part on the TV show... - Mm-hmm.
I moved east to Chicago.
You were almost on a TV show.
You know, I was on a short-lived TV show in the '70s.
Another dead hooker.
If we're gonna crack this case,
we need somebody to go undercover
in the exotic, dangerous, sexy world of prostitution.
Sugah, all you need is sassy blaque!
( Gunshots )
- A '70s TV show? - Mm-hmm.
Is there nothing that we don't have in common?
Maybe not.
You know something, Eddie, maybe we ought to take this slowly.
I mean... We met at a bar
after getting really drunk and...
You really don't know anything about me.
I know you make me happy.
I know you were on a TV show in the '70s.
- I know you get easily loaded on courvoisier. - ( Laughs )
Really, I mean, that's like a trifecta of love, is what that is.
When we met, you told me that you felt...
Old and alone and...
Maybe I'm not what makes you happy.
Maybe you're just happy not being alone.
Maybe.
You see? You make me think things
I never thought of before.
- Mmm. - Damn, woman.
You complete me.
- Terri, hold up. - Come on, man,
I've already been not selfish once today
- and I'm not going back down there. - No no, it's my mom.
She's getting hip to us.
Michael, is there somebody in here with you?!
I smell b.C. Spice! ( Sniffs )
And a cheap dye-job.
I've got something I want you to put on.
Okay, here's the deal. I don't play schoolgirl,
schoolboy, sexy gym teacher, sexy guidance counselor,
- sexy clown... - No, this is my sister's.
Oh, damn.
- It's perfume. - Oh, perfume, nice.
You better not want me to play sexy door-to-door-
- fashion-fair- cosmetic saleslady. - No.
No!
All right, who's n...
Now where the hell is everybody?
Man, I look like I even kinda give a fuck?
It's love, children. It's love.
- I met Claire at the bar. - Yeah, I heard that story already, man.
Look, Eddie, I know you're flipped and all, okay?
But I kinda miss the old cranky Eddie
that'll bust on you, eat some fried food then move on.
I miss him too. Yeah!
So if you want to throw a "crazy white boy" crack at me,
I'll run down to popeye's and grab you a plate of classic mild.
What is that stink?
Terri, is that you?
- I think she smells kinda nice. - Thank you.
The whole world smells better...
♪ When you're in love. ♪
( All laughing )
The only thing yinka wants to smell
is another blunt getting sparked.
Light me up.
I heard that shit, dawg.
Oh, shit, it's all gone. We killed it.
Y'all smoked it up already?!
- You couldn't savor this shit? - All right, it's gone.
It's cool. I mean, it wasn't ours anyhow.
It's not like we're junkies and need that shit.
- You're right. You're right. - That's true.
( Yells ) I want more dope!
Those fries good?
Not too golden brown, were they?
Well as I notice...
You like ketchup with them.
Get the man some more ketchup!
So what ya'll bitches want?
We're trying to... We're trying to be decent...
See our brothers acclimated to life outside the penal system.
If you find it odd that four people who've never said a word to you
all of a sudden want to be your friends, well that's on you.
- So what y'all bitches want? - We want more dope.
How you know I got weed?
- Y'all motherfuckers going through my shit? - You trying to flip it around?
Make it about me breaking into your locker?
Can't take responsibility for you own actions?
- Can we get more dope, please? - Yeah.
( Laughing )
I'll hook you up.
Woulda broke y'all off,
but since y'all niggas is crooks,
it's gonna be three bills. Each.
God damn!
What happened to the dime bag?
I want to just have a little taste test before I go see Michael.
- You really got it for him. - He can handle my moods.
- Not a lot of guys can do that. - That's true.
But I been saving it. I'm saving myself for the right guy.
- Terri Jones's shit is pure. - Yeah, it is.
I think I'm ready to do things with him.
That's good that you met somebody like that.
I'm glad for you.
I think of you as a sister.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
A sister sister. Not a "sistah" sister.
I want you to be happy. I do.
Thank you.
Mmm, okay, that did not happen.
- No no no. - Whew! That was the weed making me act out.
I'm not letting myself flip for you. You're cool and all
and you're good looking and you got a mad body and you smell good,
- but I'm not flippin' for you. - Terri, just hold up.
You're weirded out. Just wait up.
Calvin: Unfortunately, Isaac and Terri weren't the only ones
romadal's weed was making act a little crazy.
Oh! I can feel my vaginal secretions
running down my perineum!
Oh, I'm going to make that ass say my name!
Whose pussy is that?! Who owns that shit?!
- Wait, don't go! - You got a problem! You need Jesus!
( Screams )
Calvin: For Eddie, it wasn't the weed, it was love.
And if weed makes you act crazy,
love damn sure messes you up.
We can't keep seeing each other all the time like this.
- We really need to... - Take it slow.
You keep saying that. But I've been taking things slow.
I have waited my whole life
for someone like you
who can make me feel the way I feel.
- And it's not that I don't feel the same way too... - I am not slowing down,
I'm not backing off. I'm not letting you go.
I need to be honest with you.
- And if you still feel anything for me... - what are you gonna tell me?
I know that you're not married.
And if you got kids, they gotta be grown.
And I love grown kids.
I've had a sex change operation.
Sex change?
From woman to all woman?
I'm a man. I used to be a man.
I've had my sex changed.
I asked you
to not let me have sex with a man.
You make the sun rise and set every day.
Can't you do something simple
like not let me have sex with a man?
What the... a key chain
to a '64-1/2 mustang. I love old 'stangs, baby!
This is great! How'd you know I wanted one?
Please, Cal, how hard is it to know what a man wants?
That's great. You know what?
This has been the best birthday ever.
- You still have one more gift to open: Mine. - Really?
Baby, I don't know how I could have missed it.
Maybe you felt like your pleasure had reached the natural climax.
- No, it was just kinda hidden underneath there. - Oh.
Wow, it's a donation in my name to "toys for tots."
Jen: When you told me how disappointed you were
that you didn't get that kung fu Jackson action figure
I started thinking of all the less fortunate children
who spend every birthday disappointed.
So what better present could I give you
than sharing the joy you feel with a child?
So every time you see a little boy or girl
laughing and playing with a toy, smile.
Smile with them and know that that's your gift.
That is the most stupidest...
Calvin: Sweetest, special...
This has gotta be the best gift
anyone's ever gotten for me baby. Thank you.
I'm sorry, did you say best?
So sweet. Stop it.
I'm sorry, y'all.
I don't mean to get soft in front of women.
Not just women, I'm here too.
Make yourself useful, go cut the cake.
That's great.
Baby, is there anything else you want to share with me on my birthday?
Mmm, I can think of one more thing.
( Loud crash, dishes shatter )
Derrick: Oh, god! I've fallen and I cut myself!
Oh, stop it, boy. Ain't nobody playing with you right now.
- ( All chuckling ) - Derrick: This time, I'm not okay.
I really cut myself badly! I think I'm bleeding out!
Mom: Oh my lord, he is bleeding!
Mama, he is just trying to sell insurance.
- Don't y'all know a sales pitch when you see one? - Calvin, call 911!
Oh, god. All right, all right.
I'll call, but i'm dialing with reluctance.
- Doctor, how's my baby? - We've managed to stabilize Derrick,
but he's lost a lot of blood.
It was unfortunate that 911 took so long to respond.
- I'm sorry. - It's not your fault.
You're his brother, it's not like you would have
reluctantly dialed the phone for your own brother.
Can you give him a transfusion?
His blood type is a.B. Negative.
It's very rare and our supplies are limited.
If you have any family members with that blood type,
please get 'em in here. Other than that,
all we can do is wait and hope he improves.
- Fortunately, your brother was insured. - Figures.
But it was some of the worst insurance I've ever seen,
so we're gonna need a credit card imprint before you go.
Figures.
Hey, Mrs. Kang, is Michael around?
Michael's going away.
And he won't be returning for a long long
long long time.
- He split?! Why? - There was a family problem.
Calvin: The problem was the night Terri and Isaac lost control,
Dana happened to be passing by on her way home.
She heard two people making out, smelled the fragrances
her kids had given Terri and Isaac.
Michael?
Michelle?!
Holy fuck!
Calvin: Thinking her kids were getting it on with each other
Dana immediately sent Michelle to a convent
and Michael got enlisted in the Navy.
- And say goodbye to Michelle. - Send him to Iraq, not Asia.
We got too many relatives in Asia.
So long!
Didn't even tell me goodbye.
- I thought he dug me! - Yep, had us all fooled.
Calvin: So the gifts Terri and Isaac got from Michael and Michelle
ended up breaking them all up.
That's the thing about gifts... it's not the size, it's the thought.
And sometimes, with some gifts,
you don't know what to think,
or where the hell they came from.
All you can do is dig them.
Ha!
A kung fu Jackson kung pao action cruiser.
With working low-rider hydraulics.
Damn!
Vroom! Vroom! Action Jackson!
( Clears throat )
Pretty cool.
♪ Kung fu man from the kung fu land ♪
♪ kung fu man from the kung fu land ♪
♪ I'm the kung fu man ♪
♪ from the kung fu land ♪
♪ sweeping this land with the kung fu dance ♪
♪ you start with a bow ♪
♪ then you make your stand ♪
♪ now you swing your hands ♪
♪ with the kung fu band ♪
♪ now you bend your knees ♪
♪ to kick your feet ♪
♪ all in one motion along with the beat ♪
♪ kung fu... ♪
Dana: Holy fuck!
♪ Kung fu, it's done with perfect timing. ♪