1 00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,409 Calvin: There's a question that's answer 2 00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:36,746 has vexed mankind for centuries. 3 00:00:36,788 --> 00:00:39,499 What would Jesus do? That's the question. 4 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,542 Jesus? We're talking about Jesus? 5 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:45,171 Yes. I realized I needed to reexamine the role of religion 6 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,173 when Jen brought home this pamphlet 7 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:49,634 from one of her ladies' sex education nights at the church. 8 00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:51,511 Yes, the lord works in mysterious ways. 9 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,305 So what would Jesus do? I know what Calvin would do 10 00:00:54,347 --> 00:00:56,557 if he found out you guys were smoking weed on the job. 11 00:00:56,599 --> 00:00:59,036 He'd fire your asses, rehire you, then fire you again for effect. 12 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,145 But Jesus? I think Jesus would make you two 13 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:03,815 check yourselves into drug rehab if you want to keep working here. 14 00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:05,983 - Oh! - Do not moan at Jesus' decisions! 15 00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:08,319 I got a whole other level of bullshit I'm dealing with, 16 00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:10,321 so don't make things worse than they have to be. 17 00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:12,716 You act as if we're addicts! All we did was smoke some weed. 18 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:17,286 Romadal's weed, with a hint of pseudoephedrine for disinhibitory qualities. 19 00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:19,664 - There it is. - Great. 20 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,291 I come to this country to make something of myself. 21 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:25,837 And your social climate where no one ever takes personal responsibility 22 00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:28,131 has made me into a junkie! 23 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,924 Thank you, america! 24 00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:31,634 Thank you! 25 00:01:31,676 --> 00:01:35,429 - How is america's fault? - Somebody's got to take the blame. 26 00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:41,853 Calvin: My brother Derrick suffered a life-threatening injury 27 00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:43,604 cutting my birthday cake. 28 00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,690 Trust me, you gotta know my brother Derrick. 29 00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,567 Because he had a rare blood type, 30 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,527 he was touch and go for a minute 31 00:01:49,569 --> 00:01:51,654 until he got a transfusion from an unexpected source. 32 00:01:51,696 --> 00:01:54,157 I'm your half-white sister from a secret bigamist affair 33 00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,159 your father had you never knew about. 34 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,036 Calvin: Easy enough for my half-sister, Raina, to explain to me, 35 00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:01,706 but how the hell do I break this to the rest of my family? 36 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:05,084 They weren't as strong as me. I had to find the right words to cushion the blow. 37 00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,211 Pops had a white woman on the side. 38 00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:09,982 - Calvin, you don't know what you talking about. - I know it's a shock, 39 00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:13,009 - but it's true. - No, you don't know what you saying. 40 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,760 He was married to the woman. 41 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,888 They had kids, too. Took a class with one of 'em. 42 00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:18,681 You knew about pop's secret fuckin' family? 43 00:02:18,723 --> 00:02:20,808 We will not have profanity in this family. 44 00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:23,561 - No profanity, but bigamy's cool. - I know I should've told you, 45 00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:25,938 but I was waiting till you were older and more mature. 46 00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:29,400 You were waiting till I was more mature, but Derrick knew? 47 00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:32,278 That's right, I'm more mature. In your face! 48 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,656 How could you not tell me that pops had another wife and daughter? 49 00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:37,658 And son. Wait till you meet this guy. 50 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:40,244 I think you're going to dig him. You guys got a lot in common. 51 00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:42,997 - Oh, yeah? Like a fuckin' father! - Calvin! 52 00:02:43,039 --> 00:02:44,624 Wow, okay, Mr. Maturity. 53 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,919 Your father was the kind of man that loved too well, too often, 54 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,296 and a little too much outside the race. 55 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:53,507 When I found out, I was devastated. 56 00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:57,136 Staying married was the hardest decision I ever made. 57 00:02:57,178 --> 00:03:01,182 But I was not gonna let my two boys grow up in a broken family. 58 00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:04,477 There will not be any broken families in this family. 59 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,104 Pops was a cheat. You all knew about it. 60 00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:08,606 And I was left out? 61 00:03:08,648 --> 00:03:11,609 With all respect to family, that's fucked up. 62 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,738 See, mama, I told you to wait till he was 40. 63 00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:18,908 Man: Jimmy! Ha ha ha! 64 00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:20,785 - Jimmy James! - Mr. Mayor! 65 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:23,996 Ex-mayor. I haven't won a campaign in decades. 66 00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:26,082 The political winds have blown by me. 67 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:29,710 But sir, the way you were able to cross over racial boundaries in this city, 68 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,587 that will never be forgotten. 69 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:34,048 Calvin: Jimmy wasn't kidding. Back in the mid-seventies, 70 00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:36,676 mayor Kane was known for being able to connect with the people. 71 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,930 Those turkeys down in city hall are nothing but jive-time suckers. 72 00:03:40,972 --> 00:03:43,933 We are not gonna take any crap from "the man." 73 00:03:43,975 --> 00:03:46,185 - You dig? - ( Crowd cheers ) 74 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,271 Calvin: All the people. 75 00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,064 ( Crowd cheering ) 76 00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:54,568 ( Speaking Asian language ) 77 00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:56,487 You dig? 78 00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:58,155 ( Crowd cheering ) 79 00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:01,534 Yes, but you know, Jimmy, the thing is 80 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,369 once politics is in your blood 81 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,831 it's hard to get it out. Like hepatitis c, but in a good way. 82 00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:08,874 Mr. Ex-mayor, i... I have no doubt, 83 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,003 - you could win just about any race you entered. - Not any race. 84 00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:15,381 But I think I could win the race for alderman from this ward. 85 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:19,218 Well... well... i... i'm running for alderman from this ward. 86 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:22,054 I know. Why do you think I think I can win? 87 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:24,348 With all due respect, Mr. Ex-mayor, 88 00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:28,811 - I'm not sure that... - I'm gonna kick your ass, jive-time sucker. 89 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:32,565 ( Chuckles ) 90 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,192 Well, that's that. Game over. 91 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:37,236 You're just going to quit the election? 92 00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:41,073 Oh, god, no. No, i'm quitting you. I'm gonna go work for mayor Kane. 93 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:43,617 Wait, but Kane will have an unfair advantage. 94 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:47,288 - You know my campaign strategy. - You had a strategy? 95 00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:52,251 Calvin: Eddie Walker had finally found love. 96 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,962 Ironically, for a guy who used to be homophobic, 97 00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:58,049 he'd found love with a woman that used to be a man. 98 00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,759 Whatever makes you happy. 99 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,053 Unfortunately, sometimes, what makes you happy 100 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:05,264 has got a way of making other people real unhappy. 101 00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:06,974 Uly, petey, what's going on? 102 00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:10,144 That's what we wanna know. Word is, you've been 103 00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,104 commingling with some deviant. 104 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:14,982 - My spleen hurts. - Deviant behavior's for kids. 105 00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,610 - Our generation doesn't deviate. - When my spleen hurt, 106 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:21,489 that tells me, I'm around a deviant. Or I got "thrombrosis." 107 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,282 What school are you part of? 108 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,594 The old school that helped end segregation for our people? 109 00:05:25,618 --> 00:05:28,996 Or the "fuck the first white girl I meet in Colorado" new school? 110 00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:30,831 - I'm old school. - You'd better be. 111 00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:33,125 I'm pissing myself right now, Eddie. 112 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,169 Not from lack of bladder control... 113 00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:39,131 From anger. And lack of bladder control. 114 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:43,052 Calvin: I enrolled Terri and yinka in the James Ricky 115 00:05:43,094 --> 00:05:44,720 drug counseling center. 116 00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:46,722 James was one of the best counselors in Chicago. 117 00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:49,183 Known for his particular style of tough love, 118 00:05:49,225 --> 00:05:52,269 he was sort of a scrawny nasty Dr. Phil. 119 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,938 But unlike Dr. Phil, 120 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:56,357 James accepted cash, coupons and the barter system. 121 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,234 So I could get everybody clean and sober 122 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,069 for six months of free haircuts. 123 00:06:00,111 --> 00:06:02,029 Okay, people. You know why you're here? 124 00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:03,489 - Hmm? - ( Snaps ) 125 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:06,117 You're here because you're losers. 126 00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,993 Loo-oo-sers! 127 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,121 A bunch of pathetic drug addicts. 128 00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:13,457 You're bringing down the various races which you're a representative of. 129 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:15,334 It's sad, is what it is. 130 00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:17,044 Look at you, stinkin' up the place 131 00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:18,963 with your stink of drugginess. 132 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:21,715 Somebody open up a window, it's gettin' all hop-headed up in here! 133 00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:25,010 - When does the actual counseling begin? - Yeah, this is it, druggie. 134 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,388 Is it supposed to get you off drugs? 135 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:30,200 'Cause right about now I could use a rush limbaugh size hit of oxycontin. 136 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:33,561 My cootchie's so tight, it fits like shrink-wrap. 137 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:35,146 This is retarded. I'm out. 138 00:06:35,187 --> 00:06:38,816 Terri, if you leave, Calvin's gonna fire us. 139 00:06:38,858 --> 00:06:41,444 And you think you're going to find another job, hmm? 140 00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:43,904 Good luck passing the piss-test, druggie. 141 00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,573 You don't have what it takes 142 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,908 to turn your druggie, drugged-up drug life around. 143 00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:50,703 One more word out of you, it's my foot, your ass. 144 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,455 Shit! Go on! 145 00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:56,292 My ass, your foot. Let's make it happen, 'cause that's the only way 146 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,711 that a violent druggie like you can handle their problem 147 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,088 is with violence. Kick it! Kick me in the ass! 148 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:04,967 All it'll do is prove that I'm right that you're a pathetic violent druggie. 149 00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:08,554 - Kick it! - I know it's tempting, but I gotta ask myself... 150 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,097 ( Gospel choir singing ) 151 00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:13,058 What would Jesus do if he were in drug rehab? 152 00:07:14,310 --> 00:07:17,188 I'm so nervous. I've never made a pitch for a business loan before. 153 00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:20,065 - I'm worried I'm going to fail. - Baby, you'll be fine. 154 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,109 Is that "fine, I'll get the loan, Jen," 155 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:25,738 or "fine, put a sock in it 'cause I want to talk about my problems, Jen"? 156 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,239 Oh, it's my turn? Good. 157 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:31,202 My whole family knew pops was a cheat. Even Derrick. 158 00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:33,496 I don't know what hurts more, that pops was a dog, 159 00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:36,749 or that they trusted Derrick with privileged information. 160 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,542 Maybe they were doing this for you. 161 00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,669 They were trying to protect your father's image. 162 00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:42,689 My whole life I spent trying to live up to the guy, 163 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,632 then I find out he's married on the side? 164 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:47,319 I've never even heard of a black man actually being married to two women. 165 00:07:47,343 --> 00:07:51,472 If there's any upside to this, your father was trying to be faithful to his vows. 166 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,349 - All of them. - Faithful? 167 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,352 He had a ho on the side. And together they had a holette. Sort of an 168 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,979 - evil-looking Jennifer Beals. - Jennifer Beals doesn't look evil. 169 00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:01,458 I'm not talking about Jennifer Beals. I'm talking about my half-sister. 170 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,485 Jennifer Beals has the sweetest face. I would love to have Jennifer Beals 171 00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,237 as my bigamistic half-sister. 172 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,381 I would love to have Jennifer Beals as a half-sister, too. 173 00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:11,033 Instead, I'm stuck with a Beals-a-like who has evilness added in. 174 00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:12,910 Your sister's here for a reason. 175 00:08:12,952 --> 00:08:15,829 - Why don't you just ask her what she wants? - No, too obvious. 176 00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:17,933 That's what evil wants. I'm just gonna stay on guard, 177 00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:20,185 paranoid and hypertense until she reveals her true intentions. 178 00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:23,128 Whatever. You know, we've been talking a lot about you. 179 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,850 Could we possibly get to some of my issues? 180 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,924 You're trying to get a bank loan, 181 00:08:26,966 --> 00:08:30,594 I'm dealing with a secret second family. I think we're gonna be on me all day. 182 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:33,305 And I wouldn't make any plans for tomorrow. 183 00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:35,808 Why, Eddie? 184 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,977 Why won't you introduce me to any of your friends? 185 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,938 Are you ashamed of me? Do your friends even know we're together? 186 00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:43,065 Of course they do. I'm always going on about my woman 187 00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:46,110 who used to be a man who's now a woman that I'm sleeping with. 188 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,445 My friends are always like, "shut up, Eddie, 189 00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:50,990 with your disturbing and unrelatable sex stories again." 190 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,409 Well, I'd like to meet your friends. 191 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,327 You never take me anywhere, we never go out. 192 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:57,788 - It's just sex sex sex. What am I? - Yeah. 193 00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:59,290 Just a body to you? 194 00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:02,501 Or are we actually working towards a relationship? 195 00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:05,296 You know, one of the things that attracted me to you 196 00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:08,173 was that you look like a woman, but talk like a man. 197 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,759 If you're going to both look and talk like a woman, 198 00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:14,471 I might as well just be with a woman. 199 00:09:16,432 --> 00:09:18,684 Oh. 200 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,606 I am more woman than most women, 201 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,358 and I got the receipts to prove it. 202 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,612 I have got the best mangina 203 00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:33,324 the best doctors in Taiwan could build. 204 00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:34,658 Mm-hmm. 205 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,244 And if you want to keep getting some of this, 206 00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:40,706 you need to make me part of your life... 207 00:09:41,332 --> 00:09:44,084 Your whole life. 208 00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:46,378 Ah! 209 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,552 They do some good manginas in Taiwan. 210 00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,304 Calvin: Back at drug counseling, 211 00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:57,389 James was again giving Terri and them a little 212 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,516 of his unique brand of sensitivity and compassion. 213 00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,786 You know what? I really don't understand you guys. I don't. 214 00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,730 I mean, it's mind-boggling why you do the things that you do. 215 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,940 Y'all are worse than crackheads, you know that? 216 00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:09,818 If you moved into a crack pad, the value of the property would drop. 217 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:12,655 You know what? I'm done. 218 00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,908 Hey look, it's tough love, baby. If you can't handle it, then go. 219 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:19,662 Go on down to Betty Ford. All you're going to get there is around-the-clock treatment, 220 00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:22,873 follow-up care and a 90% success rate. I give you a hug with a rock in it! 221 00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:27,670 My nipples are proportionally equivalent to a human six times my size. 222 00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,630 You understand, we... 223 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:33,050 - we are not what you call hardcore addicts. - No! 224 00:10:33,092 --> 00:10:36,387 - All we did was smoke a little weed. - Oh! 225 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:39,056 - Weed with pseudoephedrine. - Shut up, that's it? 226 00:10:39,098 --> 00:10:41,058 - Yes! - So you guys are just... 227 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:44,395 - Recreational pseudoephedrine weed users then. - Exactly! 228 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:45,854 Okay! Now I get it! 229 00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:48,023 Y'all are like itchy and scratchy over there. 230 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,317 Because they just smoke a little meth, too. 231 00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:52,236 Every other fucking minute! 232 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:55,906 Clearly, none of you have what it takes to get cleaned up on your own. 233 00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:59,243 So y'all getting sponsors to help you stay off dope. 234 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,786 And you! Yeah, you! 235 00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:04,623 You need special attention, acid queen! You mine! 236 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,291 I was in cirque du soleil. 237 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:09,044 I can eat my own pussy while licking my ass. 238 00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:12,506 - Will you have sex with me? - You had me at gigantic nipples. 239 00:11:12,548 --> 00:11:14,758 Great. Can Chris watch? 240 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,137 Oh, Chris can do whatever Chris likes. ( Laughing ) 241 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,598 He says you can watch. 242 00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:26,019 Oh! ( Laughs ) 243 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,563 Mm-mmm. 244 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,982 Calvin: With the shop staff slashed in half, 245 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,192 for the first time since he hit the joint, 246 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,027 romadal actually had to cut hair. 247 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,904 - ( Clippers buzzing ) - ( Groans ) 248 00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:38,657 Oh, damn. My bad, dog. 249 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,617 Yeah. I fucked your shit up. 250 00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:43,537 No, it'll look okay with a divot in it. 251 00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,749 And all bleeding stops eventually. 252 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,084 Yo, let me cover it up with one of these fine products 253 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:51,378 from barber select's men hair care line. 254 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,398 Salon quality, but prices niggers like you can afford. 255 00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,924 Romadal, did you mention that barber select 256 00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:57,718 is barber-tested and consumer-approved 257 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,387 for the style-conscious African-American man 258 00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:02,615 who trusts his barber as a reliable source of information 259 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:05,601 - on personal grooming products? - For African-American men, 260 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,187 or for men who just know what's going on. 261 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,189 Thanks for the tip, romadal. 262 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,608 I think I'll give barber select a try. 263 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,568 Just... please don't hurt me. 264 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:18,113 Well, I am very encouraged by this turnout. 265 00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:20,908 And based on my year of political experience, 266 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:24,203 this is exactly the organizational size I need 267 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,413 to win this election. 268 00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,791 I want you to know I appreciate your support, 269 00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:31,376 especially since you'll be working as volunteers. 270 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,212 It'll be kinda hectic sometimes... 271 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,340 That... you see that? I'm actually happy about that. 272 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:39,134 We talking about a social revolution, people! 273 00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:41,595 And I'd rather get rid of the non-social revolutionaries now, 274 00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:44,890 than find out that they're not socially revolutionistic later. 275 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,850 Yes, it's a volunteer position. 276 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:50,354 Yes, there's going to be a lot of hard work, but at the same... 277 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,773 Okay, go. Go. Go! 278 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:56,693 Couldn't be happier he's going. Just weed out the riffraff. 279 00:12:56,735 --> 00:13:00,697 I need passion. I respect men of passion. 280 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,826 - You are my new campaign manager. - All right! 281 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,953 Jimmy James, hello. Veronica farwright. 282 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,956 I apologize for being late, but traffic is to blame, 283 00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:12,042 not colored people's time or the man. 284 00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,211 Unless the man is a liberal east-coast lawyer. 285 00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:17,214 - Then there's a lot to blame him for. - Wow. 286 00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:18,841 I like what you've got 287 00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:21,051 in terms of your moderate- to-conservative politics. 288 00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:23,554 Great, so are are you still looking for a new campaign manager? 289 00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:25,764 - I certainly am. - Great, because I was thinking... 290 00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,975 You said I was the new campaign manager. 291 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:30,853 I hate kiss-ups. Get the hell out! Suck-ass! Get! 292 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,564 So you don't think it's an odd request? 293 00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,315 Please, this day and age 294 00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:38,110 a woman wanting her man to watch... that's damn near victorian. 295 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,988 Anytime you want to trade off that girl and her man watching you 296 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,282 - for my sponsor watching me... - Mm-hmm, that's right. 297 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,118 - Getting the shakes aren't you, girl? - So what do you think, Eddie? 298 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,872 Where relationships are concerned, I don't think there's anything wrong with... 299 00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:52,165 ( clears throat ) 300 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,001 Deviant is what that is. 301 00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:56,211 Just what I would expect from your generation. 302 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,881 Excellent, Eddie. Keep spreading our propaganda. 303 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:02,050 First we'll control the barbershops, then the laundromats. 304 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,511 - ( Laughs ) - ( Petey belches ) 305 00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,638 Goat's milk give me gas. 306 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,932 ( Shop bells jangle ) 307 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:11,685 Woman: Calvin Palmer? 308 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,813 Consider yourself served. 309 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:17,524 Served? I'm being sued? 310 00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:19,860 Malcolm? You're suing me for what?! 311 00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,737 Look at him, acting all innocent and shit. 312 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:24,156 Public humiliation, invasion of privacy. 313 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:27,075 You had video cameras installed in the back room of your shop 314 00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:31,246 which recorded my client without his consent. 315 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:32,831 ( Laughs ) 316 00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:35,751 I have never had sex in the backroom of a barbershop before. 317 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:40,005 You think this is freaky? Wait till you see how I shave my shit. 318 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,843 ( Laughing ) Oh my god! 319 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,095 You're like a baby! 320 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:49,014 ( Laughing uproariously) 321 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:52,726 One of the three most humiliating days of my life, so I'm suing you. 322 00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:55,562 And I'm going to take you for everything you've got. 323 00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:58,231 I've waited a long time for this, Calvin, 324 00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,567 but I'm finally going to give you payback. 325 00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:03,212 - Am I supposed to know you? - Don't pretend like you don't know me. 326 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:07,240 - I'm not pretending. I don't remember you. - Oh, you remember me. 327 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,784 You know who I am. 328 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:12,037 You didn't for... You forgot who I am! 329 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,830 Lea, Lea Robinson. 330 00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,958 - Lea Robinson! - Yeah. 331 00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,043 Girl, I ain't seen you since the eighth grade! 332 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,420 I didn't recognize you with breasts. You look good, 333 00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:22,756 all grown up and beautiful and with breasts. 334 00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:27,010 Well, thank you. I've been getting myself together for the day I would crush you! 335 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,430 - Calvin Palmer took my man! - ( Laughter ) 336 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:35,185 - Now I see where y'all getting your bad habits from. - Hold up. Okay? 337 00:15:35,227 --> 00:15:36,561 I did not take her man. 338 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,647 Calvin: What happened years back, 339 00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,482 I took Lea's man to a video arcade. 340 00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,943 While he was playing a game of Ms. PacMan, 341 00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:46,279 he was sure he saw something more miraculous than a little yellow ball eating dots. 342 00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:50,575 - It's the virgin Mary! - Touched by this miracle, he decided to give up women 343 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,369 and devote his life to the lord. 344 00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:54,037 Calvin Palmer took my man. 345 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,373 To the video arcade. Would you learn to finish a thought? 346 00:15:56,415 --> 00:16:00,335 The only thought I have to finish is paying you back. 347 00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,838 Look at me, Calvin. 348 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:07,217 Look into the face of evil. 349 00:16:07,259 --> 00:16:10,470 I knew evil looked something like Jennifer Beals. 350 00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:13,682 Calvin: Later, yinka's night of freaky sex 351 00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:16,810 turned out to be a little freakier than he planned. 352 00:16:16,852 --> 00:16:18,937 ( Crunching loudly ) 353 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:21,189 - What are you doing? - I'm having a snack. 354 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:23,275 - You're having a snack? - I'm hungry. 355 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,570 - He's just hungry. - He's having a snack while we're having sex. 356 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,031 You're the ones having fun. I can't have a snack? 357 00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,949 You don't have popcorn at the movies? 358 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,660 I don't have snacks while I'm watching other people have sex. 359 00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:36,246 What do you normally do when you watch people have sex? 360 00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:37,998 I don't watch other people have sex. 361 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,250 Then I don't know why you're acting like the expert. 362 00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:41,835 I'm the one doing the work. 363 00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,879 If anyone should have an appetite, it's me. 364 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,341 You sure don't have an appetite for pussy. Good thing I can eat my own. 365 00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:50,052 This lawsuit is insane. 366 00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,471 She's only pushing it just to get back at me. 367 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,056 I did something positive. 368 00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,349 I turned somebody on to god. You'd think I'd be rewarded. 369 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:59,770 I'm not going to try to settle and it'll cost me a fortune to fight. 370 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:02,481 So you have this obsession with Jennifer Beals? 371 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,317 ( Laughs ) I don't have an obsession. 372 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,945 - You seem to be attracted to Jennifer Beals-looking women. - There's no attraction. 373 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:11,615 I'm attracted to you. You don't look anything like Jennifer Beals. 374 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,617 I've been told a lot of hurtful things, 375 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,994 but I've never been told I don't look like Jennifer Beals. 376 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:19,081 I'm sorry. I'm not mulatto enough for you? Do you have some sort 377 00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:21,583 of weird plantation sex fetish? 378 00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:24,377 There's no weird plantation sex fetish. 379 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:27,589 So you don't think it's weird to be obsessed with mulattos? 380 00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:29,758 It is weird... no, i... You know what? 381 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,676 Ever since you started your "career," 382 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,845 - you haven't listened to a word I've said. - My what? 383 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:36,139 Your career. The business you started with Dana. 384 00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,017 You didn't say career. You said "career" with finger quotes. 385 00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:43,146 So why do my desires have to have finger quotes as if they aren't real? 386 00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:44,773 That's not what finger quotes mean. 387 00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:46,733 Finger quotes are for emphasis. 388 00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,753 Like if I wanted to emphasize you have a "mulatto obsession." 389 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,612 That's cool. Finger quote away. 390 00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:52,882 - Because you don't have a "mulatto obsession." - That's right. 391 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,450 - And I don't have a "career." - That... 392 00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:59,162 "you said it, not me." "Pass the syrup?" 393 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:03,166 - Morning, son. - Morning, Eddie. 394 00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:06,294 - Yinka and Terri in counseling again? - Yeah. 395 00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:09,422 It breaks my heart to see Terri messed up with drugs. 396 00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:11,341 I care about that girl. 397 00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:13,677 - I want what's best for her. - Yeah, yinka too. 398 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,054 Hey yo, he got to hit it with a circus chick 399 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:18,056 who can snack on her own cootchie. 400 00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:21,268 - He doesn't need my good wishes. - Let me ask you something. 401 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:25,856 As a young white boy inexplicably out of place in this neighborhood, 402 00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:27,274 are you ever concerned 403 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,776 about how other people view your dating habits? 404 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:33,155 Eddie, I can't explain love any more than I can explain 405 00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:36,074 Tucker Carlson getting another shot on msnbc, 406 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,076 but I do know that life is short. 407 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,704 I'd hate to wake up one day, 30 years old, 408 00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:43,373 looking back on my best days knowing I didn't know love 409 00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:47,669 without regard to race or color or a delightful lack of whiteness. 410 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:50,297 What if love wasn't about race? 411 00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,716 What if it was about... 412 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:54,843 Another gender? 413 00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:57,721 Yeah. Good luck with that one. 414 00:18:57,762 --> 00:19:00,265 Calvin: Considering everything that was going on, 415 00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:04,060 I figured I needed to have a little sit-down with my lawyer Leonard partzecks, 416 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:07,731 who in addition to selling herbal medicine and being a former alpaca dealer 417 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:10,317 had also just started a new side business selling hair. 418 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:12,944 Great for weaves, Calvin. Real oriental hair. 419 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:16,656 Some of it's fresh. Not all the orientals it came from were dead. 420 00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:19,034 Okay, can we just keep it focused on my problem? 421 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:23,163 This lawyer, she's coming at me hard, like she's trying to take away everything I got. 422 00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,373 The hell she is. Not only is she gonna lose, 423 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:28,460 but we're going to countersue and bleed her dry. 424 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,462 Clearly this case is racially motivated. 425 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,215 How can it be racially motivated? Malcolm's black. 426 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:35,258 - But this lawyer... - She's black too. 427 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,345 So we need to come up with a new strategy based on the law. 428 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,764 Ooh. 429 00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:49,522 You're absolutely sure she's black? 430 00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:51,066 - Yeah. - And the guy? 431 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:54,277 - The plaintiff. - Plaintiff? That's good. 432 00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:57,322 - I oughta promote you to my assistant lawyer. - Paralegal. 433 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,574 That's really good. With you on my team, 434 00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:01,952 - we're going to win this thing. - Lawsuit. 435 00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:06,248 Damn! I wish you was with me the fourth time I took the bar exam. 436 00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:08,667 Calvin: While I was explaining the law to my lawyer, 437 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,294 Jen and her blind friend Dana were at the bank looking for a loan 438 00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:14,256 to get their business they had no business starting started. 439 00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:16,549 So I thought why should all the good bed and breakfasts 440 00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:19,761 be way out in the middle of nowhere where it's all quiet, picturesque 441 00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:22,389 - and you can't do anything but relax and sleep? - Boring! 442 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,350 So that's why we've invented u.B & b... urban bed and breakfast. 443 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:29,396 It's the bed and breakfast you love, but right in the heart of the inner city 444 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:32,524 - to take advantage of the urban flava. - Pow! Pow! 445 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,901 Southside! What set you from, homey? 446 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:37,195 So it's a hotel? 447 00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:41,408 - But with flava! - Booya! Fuck the police! 448 00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:45,287 My super-sensitive hearing's telling me his heartbeat is steady and even. 449 00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:47,205 I think the pitch is going well. 450 00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:51,501 - I'm gonna have to run this one by the bank president. - Okay. 451 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,338 Uh-oh, I think that was just the wall clock 452 00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:57,090 I was hearing. We might be in trouble. 453 00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:58,967 Calvin: Fortunately for Jen and Dana, 454 00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:00,969 in business, timing is everything. 455 00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:03,263 We've been hit with our third banking scandal this year. 456 00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:04,931 If I'm gonna stay out of prison, 457 00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,600 we have to make a showy, philanthropic investment 458 00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:09,561 to a worthy cause. Any ideas? 459 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,939 Hey, there's a black lady downstairs with her blind Asian friend. 460 00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:17,527 They want to borrow some money to open a crazy urban bed and breakfast. 461 00:21:17,569 --> 00:21:19,654 I should just call security, right? 462 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:22,115 Just walked right out of there with all the money we needed. 463 00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:24,868 Handed it right to us. Right there, just handed us the money. 464 00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:28,163 You signed a loan agreement and they transferred the money to an account? 465 00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:30,373 They don't just give you money. 466 00:21:30,415 --> 00:21:31,875 They just gave you money?! 467 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,002 Yeah, well, clearly my receiving this loan 468 00:21:34,044 --> 00:21:36,796 was in response to accusations of fiduciary redlining. 469 00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:39,090 But if fiscal redress comes to me in the form 470 00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:41,051 of independent economic opportunity, 471 00:21:41,092 --> 00:21:42,969 that just makes me the financial Elaine brown. 472 00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:45,972 You know what? You're off n.P.R. For the next month. 473 00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:47,974 It's not that easy to start a business. 474 00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:50,477 Even though apparently it is that easy, it's not that easy. 475 00:21:50,518 --> 00:21:53,080 - The easier it is now, the harder it'll be later. - Do you have a problem 476 00:21:53,104 --> 00:21:56,024 - with me going into business? - Honey, you're my wife and I love you, 477 00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:59,027 and I know how much having a career and following your dreams means to you. 478 00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:00,570 You didn't answer the question. 479 00:22:00,612 --> 00:22:02,364 Obviously there's an answer in there. 480 00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:04,407 If you can't find it, maybe you ought to think 481 00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:06,910 about whether or not you are ready to be in business. 482 00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:10,455 Calvin: I didn't want to be prejudicial, 483 00:22:10,497 --> 00:22:12,957 but before Jen's crazy "opening a business and having 484 00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:15,835 a career and a life outside the house" nonsense got out of hand, 485 00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:19,089 I figured I oughta talk with Dana's husband David. 486 00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:21,549 I've got no problem with Dana going to work. 487 00:22:21,591 --> 00:22:24,636 You kidding me? I've been busting my ass for years. 488 00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:27,180 If I could relax while she's making bank? 489 00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:29,057 And she's only "legally" blind. 490 00:22:29,099 --> 00:22:32,102 A signature on a court document, she could be flying airplanes. 491 00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:35,563 But an urban bed and breakfast? That'll never work. 492 00:22:35,605 --> 00:22:37,941 Look, instead of letting them get their dream crushed, 493 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:41,236 - I say we just end this now before they lose my balls. - Lose your balls? 494 00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:43,279 - Lose their money. - You said... 495 00:22:43,321 --> 00:22:46,241 If you're going to dissect every freudian slip, we'll be here all day. 496 00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:47,742 And you agree with me, right? 497 00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:49,786 - Are you recording this? - What? 498 00:22:49,828 --> 00:22:52,681 Word on the street is you've got an obsession with secretly recording people. 499 00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:54,749 And with mulattos. So I just want to be sure. 500 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,668 ( Sniffing ) David? 501 00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:58,878 Is that Calvin? Is he fucking recording us? 502 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,339 Why don't you fucking say it a little fucking louder? 503 00:23:01,381 --> 00:23:03,842 - Like he's not already fucking self-conscious. - Hey! 504 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:05,718 Calvin: And right about then, 505 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:07,887 Eddie was starting to have a sex change of his own... 506 00:23:07,929 --> 00:23:10,306 A sex change of heart about Claire. 507 00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:12,350 The way I heard it, this boy yinka was actually 508 00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:15,770 allowing this woman's man to view him engage her in sexual activity. 509 00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:19,149 These young folks, they're sick, sick in the head. 510 00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:21,025 Well, it was an experience. 511 00:23:21,067 --> 00:23:23,903 And I can't say yinka enjoyed it. 512 00:23:23,945 --> 00:23:26,406 - But, i... I mean... - Sick! Degenerate! 513 00:23:26,448 --> 00:23:30,326 I mean, you'd never catch me having deviant sex. 514 00:23:31,369 --> 00:23:34,456 When exactly was the last time you had sex? 515 00:23:34,497 --> 00:23:37,333 And when was the last time you had a meaningful relationship? 516 00:23:37,375 --> 00:23:39,711 So busy getting in other people's business, 517 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:42,255 you won't know love when you see it. 518 00:23:42,297 --> 00:23:44,424 Love doesn't look like you think it looks. 519 00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:48,178 - What the hell you talking about? - I'm talking about mangina! 520 00:23:48,219 --> 00:23:52,390 - Oh! - That's right, man-Gina! 521 00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:54,225 I am in love 522 00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:56,060 with a gender-realigned he-she. 523 00:23:56,102 --> 00:23:59,606 Now I know the world is not ready for what we're all about, 524 00:23:59,647 --> 00:24:02,525 and not because what we're about is wrong, 525 00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:04,569 but when two people refuse 526 00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,738 to let the world dictate the ways of their heart, 527 00:24:06,779 --> 00:24:11,534 it puts every other kind of so-called normal love to shame. 528 00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:14,662 Claire! 529 00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:17,248 But you and your old-school ways 530 00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:19,375 will have no effect on me. 531 00:24:19,417 --> 00:24:21,753 Eddie: Claire! 532 00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,341 I was just telling my so-called friends here about us 533 00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:29,761 and the wonderful, loving, sex-filled relationship we have. 534 00:24:29,802 --> 00:24:33,223 The what? I'm sorry, 535 00:24:33,264 --> 00:24:35,099 but you must have me confused 536 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,310 with some other gender-realigned he-she. 537 00:24:37,352 --> 00:24:40,772 Calvin: Unfortunately for Eddie, a few hours previously, 538 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:43,191 Claire had his-her own change of heart. 539 00:24:43,233 --> 00:24:45,568 Who am I to come into Eddie's life 540 00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,445 and start demanding things, 541 00:24:47,487 --> 00:24:50,448 driving a wedge between him and his friends? 542 00:24:51,282 --> 00:24:54,160 I know, for his sake I'll just... 543 00:24:55,078 --> 00:24:57,163 Pretend our love life doesn't exist. 544 00:24:57,205 --> 00:24:58,873 Oh, truly, I'm flattered 545 00:24:58,915 --> 00:25:01,042 by your fantasy of our "love life," 546 00:25:01,084 --> 00:25:03,586 but clearly, it doesn't exist. 547 00:25:03,628 --> 00:25:06,756 - No, but it is real! - It is not, 548 00:25:06,798 --> 00:25:10,635 obviously, because I just put "love life" in finger quotes. 549 00:25:10,677 --> 00:25:13,012 ( Laughs ) 550 00:25:14,138 --> 00:25:16,266 W... w... wait a minute! 551 00:25:16,307 --> 00:25:18,351 Sh... she has a mangina from Taiwan. 552 00:25:18,393 --> 00:25:21,479 - And so does my radio. - And my pacemaker. 553 00:25:21,521 --> 00:25:25,149 Don't look at me like I'm crazy. I am not crazy. 554 00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:26,901 I'm... 555 00:25:26,943 --> 00:25:28,945 I'm a deviant. Claire! 556 00:25:28,987 --> 00:25:31,030 ( Shop bells jangle ) 557 00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:32,824 ( Chattering ) 558 00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:34,951 ( Chattering stops ) 559 00:25:34,993 --> 00:25:37,495 - What's going on? - I came by to see you. 560 00:25:37,537 --> 00:25:39,539 You came by the shop. Hmm, what'd she tell you? 561 00:25:39,581 --> 00:25:42,500 - She told us she's your family. - Oh, you told 'em. 562 00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:44,752 - Hmm. So now everybody knows. - Calvin... 563 00:25:44,794 --> 00:25:48,339 That's great, just great. Jen told me not to be paranoid and on edge, 564 00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:50,717 but I knew you were evil. You had to come down here 565 00:25:50,758 --> 00:25:52,844 and tell everybody that pops couldn't stay faithful, 566 00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:55,430 married him a white broad on the side and had him a love-child. 567 00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:57,432 I told 'em I was your cousin from Milwaukee. 568 00:25:57,473 --> 00:26:00,059 - Why wouldn't you tell them? You're my cousin. - Distant. 569 00:26:00,101 --> 00:26:03,855 We have this little joke in the family about how pops married white chicks on the side. 570 00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:07,066 - And had love children. - Can I talk to you in the back for a second? 571 00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:10,111 - Yeah. - All right. 572 00:26:10,153 --> 00:26:12,822 You chew that gum like you wish it was grape-flavored crack. 573 00:26:12,864 --> 00:26:14,324 Spit the damn gum out. 574 00:26:14,365 --> 00:26:16,784 I knew you were just coming around to mess me up. 575 00:26:16,826 --> 00:26:18,786 I'm not trying to mess you up. 576 00:26:18,828 --> 00:26:21,414 I came here because I was trying to spend time with my brother. 577 00:26:21,456 --> 00:26:23,333 Well, now's a hell of a time to spend time. 578 00:26:23,374 --> 00:26:26,169 The last couple of days I found out that I have a half-sister, 579 00:26:26,210 --> 00:26:27,879 I'm being sued over some nonsense, 580 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,173 and I have no one I can lay this on because my wife's out 581 00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:33,176 - trying to get her business started. - And how's that make you feel? 582 00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:34,719 It makes me feel like shit. 583 00:26:34,761 --> 00:26:36,554 I want Jen to do well, but she's my rock. 584 00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:38,473 I need her at home so that I can... oh, no. 585 00:26:38,514 --> 00:26:40,892 ( Laughing ) I see what you're trying to do. 586 00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:43,227 You're trying to make me think that you care about me 587 00:26:43,269 --> 00:26:45,189 so I can open up to you and you can sucker me in. 588 00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:47,732 - How is showing concern suckering you in? - I don't know. 589 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:51,277 But what the hell else could you want from me? You obviously want something. 590 00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:53,196 I want dad. I want your dad. 591 00:26:53,237 --> 00:26:55,323 - Our dad. - Your dad. 592 00:26:55,365 --> 00:26:58,034 The dad you knew was this perfect guy. 593 00:26:58,076 --> 00:26:59,786 That's what's messed up. 594 00:26:59,827 --> 00:27:02,246 I've been trying to live up to an image that wasn't real. 595 00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:05,375 And I've been trying to live down a dad I thought was a dog. 596 00:27:05,416 --> 00:27:08,586 And somewhere in between is the guy our father really was. 597 00:27:08,628 --> 00:27:11,214 I just want to get to know who that was... 598 00:27:11,255 --> 00:27:13,633 With you, with my brother. 599 00:27:20,765 --> 00:27:23,267 I think you need to head out. 600 00:27:28,564 --> 00:27:31,317 Calvin: That's the problem with trying to figure out 601 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,820 "what would Jesus do?" Jesus was Jesus. 602 00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:37,615 The rest of us are just people trying to deal with shit. 603 00:27:37,657 --> 00:27:39,200 And sooner or later, 604 00:27:39,242 --> 00:27:41,244 no matter how Jesus-like you try to be, 605 00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:43,287 it gets hard to turn the other cheek. 606 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,415 That's what you wanna do? Go on, hit me. 607 00:27:45,456 --> 00:27:47,417 I'd like to see you hit me. 608 00:27:48,251 --> 00:27:52,004 You... I'd like to see you do that again. 609 00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:55,591 Yeah. 610 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,639 I'd like to see you do that with a back fist, 611 00:28:01,681 --> 00:28:04,308 but harder. 612 00:28:10,231 --> 00:28:13,317 ( Theme music playing ) 613 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,308 You shave your shit? Ugh!