Calvin: There's a question that's answer
has vexed mankind for centuries.
What would Jesus do? That's the question.
Jesus? We're talking about Jesus?
Yes. I realized I needed to reexamine the role of religion
when Jen brought home this pamphlet
from one of her ladies' sex education nights at the church.
Yes, the lord works in mysterious ways.
So what would Jesus do? I know what Calvin would do
if he found out you guys were smoking weed on the job.
He'd fire your asses, rehire you, then fire you again for effect.
But Jesus? I think Jesus would make you two
check yourselves into drug rehab if you want to keep working here.
- Oh! - Do not moan at Jesus' decisions!
I got a whole other level of bullshit I'm dealing with,
so don't make things worse than they have to be.
You act as if we're addicts! All we did was smoke some weed.
Romadal's weed, with a hint of pseudoephedrine for disinhibitory qualities.
- There it is. - Great.
I come to this country to make something of myself.
And your social climate where no one ever takes personal responsibility
has made me into a junkie!
Thank you, america!
Thank you!
- How is america's fault? - Somebody's got to take the blame.
Calvin: My brother Derrick suffered a life-threatening injury
cutting my birthday cake.
Trust me, you gotta know my brother Derrick.
Because he had a rare blood type,
he was touch and go for a minute
until he got a transfusion from an unexpected source.
I'm your half-white sister from a secret bigamist affair
your father had you never knew about.
Calvin: Easy enough for my half-sister, Raina, to explain to me,
but how the hell do I break this to the rest of my family?
They weren't as strong as me. I had to find the right words to cushion the blow.
Pops had a white woman on the side.
- Calvin, you don't know what you talking about. - I know it's a shock,
- but it's true. - No, you don't know what you saying.
He was married to the woman.
They had kids, too. Took a class with one of 'em.
You knew about pop's secret fuckin' family?
We will not have profanity in this family.
- No profanity, but bigamy's cool. - I know I should've told you,
but I was waiting till you were older and more mature.
You were waiting till I was more mature, but Derrick knew?
That's right, I'm more mature. In your face!
How could you not tell me that pops had another wife and daughter?
And son. Wait till you meet this guy.
I think you're going to dig him. You guys got a lot in common.
- Oh, yeah? Like a fuckin' father! - Calvin!
Wow, okay, Mr. Maturity.
Your father was the kind of man that loved too well, too often,
and a little too much outside the race.
When I found out, I was devastated.
Staying married was the hardest decision I ever made.
But I was not gonna let my two boys grow up in a broken family.
There will not be any broken families in this family.
Pops was a cheat. You all knew about it.
And I was left out?
With all respect to family, that's fucked up.
See, mama, I told you to wait till he was 40.
Man: Jimmy! Ha ha ha!
- Jimmy James! - Mr. Mayor!
Ex-mayor. I haven't won a campaign in decades.
The political winds have blown by me.
But sir, the way you were able to cross over racial boundaries in this city,
that will never be forgotten.
Calvin: Jimmy wasn't kidding. Back in the mid-seventies,
mayor Kane was known for being able to connect with the people.
Those turkeys down in city hall are nothing but jive-time suckers.
We are not gonna take any crap from "the man."
- You dig? - ( Crowd cheers )
Calvin: All the people.
( Crowd cheering )
( Speaking Asian language )
You dig?
( Crowd cheering )
Yes, but you know, Jimmy, the thing is
once politics is in your blood
it's hard to get it out. Like hepatitis c, but in a good way.
Mr. Ex-mayor, i... I have no doubt,
- you could win just about any race you entered. - Not any race.
But I think I could win the race for alderman from this ward.
Well... well... i... i'm running for alderman from this ward.
I know. Why do you think I think I can win?
With all due respect, Mr. Ex-mayor,
- I'm not sure that... - I'm gonna kick your ass, jive-time sucker.
( Chuckles )
Well, that's that. Game over.
You're just going to quit the election?
Oh, god, no. No, i'm quitting you. I'm gonna go work for mayor Kane.
Wait, but Kane will have an unfair advantage.
- You know my campaign strategy. - You had a strategy?
Calvin: Eddie Walker had finally found love.
Ironically, for a guy who used to be homophobic,
he'd found love with a woman that used to be a man.
Whatever makes you happy.
Unfortunately, sometimes, what makes you happy
has got a way of making other people real unhappy.
Uly, petey, what's going on?
That's what we wanna know. Word is, you've been
commingling with some deviant.
- My spleen hurts. - Deviant behavior's for kids.
- Our generation doesn't deviate. - When my spleen hurt,
that tells me, I'm around a deviant. Or I got "thrombrosis."
What school are you part of?
The old school that helped end segregation for our people?
Or the "fuck the first white girl I meet in Colorado" new school?
- I'm old school. - You'd better be.
I'm pissing myself right now, Eddie.
Not from lack of bladder control...
From anger. And lack of bladder control.
Calvin: I enrolled Terri and yinka in the James Ricky
drug counseling center.
James was one of the best counselors in Chicago.
Known for his particular style of tough love,
he was sort of a scrawny nasty Dr. Phil.
But unlike Dr. Phil,
James accepted cash, coupons and the barter system.
So I could get everybody clean and sober
for six months of free haircuts.
Okay, people. You know why you're here?
- Hmm? - ( Snaps )
You're here because you're losers.
Loo-oo-sers!
A bunch of pathetic drug addicts.
You're bringing down the various races which you're a representative of.
It's sad, is what it is.
Look at you, stinkin' up the place
with your stink of drugginess.
Somebody open up a window, it's gettin' all hop-headed up in here!
- When does the actual counseling begin? - Yeah, this is it, druggie.
Is it supposed to get you off drugs?
'Cause right about now I could use a rush limbaugh size hit of oxycontin.
My cootchie's so tight, it fits like shrink-wrap.
This is retarded. I'm out.
Terri, if you leave, Calvin's gonna fire us.
And you think you're going to find another job, hmm?
Good luck passing the piss-test, druggie.
You don't have what it takes
to turn your druggie, drugged-up drug life around.
One more word out of you, it's my foot, your ass.
Shit! Go on!
My ass, your foot. Let's make it happen, 'cause that's the only way
that a violent druggie like you can handle their problem
is with violence. Kick it! Kick me in the ass!
All it'll do is prove that I'm right that you're a pathetic violent druggie.
- Kick it! - I know it's tempting, but I gotta ask myself...
( Gospel choir singing )
What would Jesus do if he were in drug rehab?
I'm so nervous. I've never made a pitch for a business loan before.
- I'm worried I'm going to fail. - Baby, you'll be fine.
Is that "fine, I'll get the loan, Jen,"
or "fine, put a sock in it 'cause I want to talk about my problems, Jen"?
Oh, it's my turn? Good.
My whole family knew pops was a cheat. Even Derrick.
I don't know what hurts more, that pops was a dog,
or that they trusted Derrick with privileged information.
Maybe they were doing this for you.
They were trying to protect your father's image.
My whole life I spent trying to live up to the guy,
then I find out he's married on the side?
I've never even heard of a black man actually being married to two women.
If there's any upside to this, your father was trying to be faithful to his vows.
- All of them. - Faithful?
He had a ho on the side. And together they had a holette. Sort of an
- evil-looking Jennifer Beals. - Jennifer Beals doesn't look evil.
I'm not talking about Jennifer Beals. I'm talking about my half-sister.
Jennifer Beals has the sweetest face. I would love to have Jennifer Beals
as my bigamistic half-sister.
I would love to have Jennifer Beals as a half-sister, too.
Instead, I'm stuck with a Beals-a-like who has evilness added in.
Your sister's here for a reason.
- Why don't you just ask her what she wants? - No, too obvious.
That's what evil wants. I'm just gonna stay on guard,
paranoid and hypertense until she reveals her true intentions.
Whatever. You know, we've been talking a lot about you.
Could we possibly get to some of my issues?
You're trying to get a bank loan,
I'm dealing with a secret second family. I think we're gonna be on me all day.
And I wouldn't make any plans for tomorrow.
Why, Eddie?
Why won't you introduce me to any of your friends?
Are you ashamed of me? Do your friends even know we're together?
Of course they do. I'm always going on about my woman
who used to be a man who's now a woman that I'm sleeping with.
My friends are always like, "shut up, Eddie,
with your disturbing and unrelatable sex stories again."
Well, I'd like to meet your friends.
You never take me anywhere, we never go out.
- It's just sex sex sex. What am I? - Yeah.
Just a body to you?
Or are we actually working towards a relationship?
You know, one of the things that attracted me to you
was that you look like a woman, but talk like a man.
If you're going to both look and talk like a woman,
I might as well just be with a woman.
Oh.
I am more woman than most women,
and I got the receipts to prove it.
I have got the best mangina
the best doctors in Taiwan could build.
Mm-hmm.
And if you want to keep getting some of this,
you need to make me part of your life...
Your whole life.
Ah!
They do some good manginas in Taiwan.
Calvin: Back at drug counseling,
James was again giving Terri and them a little
of his unique brand of sensitivity and compassion.
You know what? I really don't understand you guys. I don't.
I mean, it's mind-boggling why you do the things that you do.
Y'all are worse than crackheads, you know that?
If you moved into a crack pad, the value of the property would drop.
You know what? I'm done.
Hey look, it's tough love, baby. If you can't handle it, then go.
Go on down to Betty Ford. All you're going to get there is around-the-clock treatment,
follow-up care and a 90% success rate. I give you a hug with a rock in it!
My nipples are proportionally equivalent to a human six times my size.
You understand, we...
- we are not what you call hardcore addicts. - No!
- All we did was smoke a little weed. - Oh!
- Weed with pseudoephedrine. - Shut up, that's it?
- Yes! - So you guys are just...
- Recreational pseudoephedrine weed users then. - Exactly!
Okay! Now I get it!
Y'all are like itchy and scratchy over there.
Because they just smoke a little meth, too.
Every other fucking minute!
Clearly, none of you have what it takes to get cleaned up on your own.
So y'all getting sponsors to help you stay off dope.
And you! Yeah, you!
You need special attention, acid queen! You mine!
I was in cirque du soleil.
I can eat my own pussy while licking my ass.
- Will you have sex with me? - You had me at gigantic nipples.
Great. Can Chris watch?
Oh, Chris can do whatever Chris likes. ( Laughing )
He says you can watch.
Oh! ( Laughs )
Mm-mmm.
Calvin: With the shop staff slashed in half,
for the first time since he hit the joint,
romadal actually had to cut hair.
- ( Clippers buzzing ) - ( Groans )
Oh, damn. My bad, dog.
Yeah. I fucked your shit up.
No, it'll look okay with a divot in it.
And all bleeding stops eventually.
Yo, let me cover it up with one of these fine products
from barber select's men hair care line.
Salon quality, but prices niggers like you can afford.
Romadal, did you mention that barber select
is barber-tested and consumer-approved
for the style-conscious African-American man
who trusts his barber as a reliable source of information
- on personal grooming products? - For African-American men,
or for men who just know what's going on.
Thanks for the tip, romadal.
I think I'll give barber select a try.
Just... please don't hurt me.
Well, I am very encouraged by this turnout.
And based on my year of political experience,
this is exactly the organizational size I need
to win this election.
I want you to know I appreciate your support,
especially since you'll be working as volunteers.
It'll be kinda hectic sometimes...
That... you see that? I'm actually happy about that.
We talking about a social revolution, people!
And I'd rather get rid of the non-social revolutionaries now,
than find out that they're not socially revolutionistic later.
Yes, it's a volunteer position.
Yes, there's going to be a lot of hard work, but at the same...
Okay, go. Go. Go!
Couldn't be happier he's going. Just weed out the riffraff.
I need passion. I respect men of passion.
- You are my new campaign manager. - All right!
Jimmy James, hello. Veronica farwright.
I apologize for being late, but traffic is to blame,
not colored people's time or the man.
Unless the man is a liberal east-coast lawyer.
- Then there's a lot to blame him for. - Wow.
I like what you've got
in terms of your moderate- to-conservative politics.
Great, so are are you still looking for a new campaign manager?
- I certainly am. - Great, because I was thinking...
You said I was the new campaign manager.
I hate kiss-ups. Get the hell out! Suck-ass! Get!
So you don't think it's an odd request?
Please, this day and age
a woman wanting her man to watch... that's damn near victorian.
Anytime you want to trade off that girl and her man watching you
- for my sponsor watching me... - Mm-hmm, that's right.
- Getting the shakes aren't you, girl? - So what do you think, Eddie?
Where relationships are concerned, I don't think there's anything wrong with...
( clears throat )
Deviant is what that is.
Just what I would expect from your generation.
Excellent, Eddie. Keep spreading our propaganda.
First we'll control the barbershops, then the laundromats.
- ( Laughs ) - ( Petey belches )
Goat's milk give me gas.
( Shop bells jangle )
Woman: Calvin Palmer?
Consider yourself served.
Served? I'm being sued?
Malcolm? You're suing me for what?!
Look at him, acting all innocent and shit.
Public humiliation, invasion of privacy.
You had video cameras installed in the back room of your shop
which recorded my client without his consent.
( Laughs )
I have never had sex in the backroom of a barbershop before.
You think this is freaky? Wait till you see how I shave my shit.
( Laughing ) Oh my god!
You're like a baby!
( Laughing uproariously)
One of the three most humiliating days of my life, so I'm suing you.
And I'm going to take you for everything you've got.
I've waited a long time for this, Calvin,
but I'm finally going to give you payback.
- Am I supposed to know you? - Don't pretend like you don't know me.
- I'm not pretending. I don't remember you. - Oh, you remember me.
You know who I am.
You didn't for... You forgot who I am!
Lea, Lea Robinson.
- Lea Robinson! - Yeah.
Girl, I ain't seen you since the eighth grade!
I didn't recognize you with breasts. You look good,
all grown up and beautiful and with breasts.
Well, thank you. I've been getting myself together for the day I would crush you!
- Calvin Palmer took my man! - ( Laughter )
- Now I see where y'all getting your bad habits from. - Hold up. Okay?
I did not take her man.
Calvin: What happened years back,
I took Lea's man to a video arcade.
While he was playing a game of Ms. PacMan,
he was sure he saw something more miraculous than a little yellow ball eating dots.
- It's the virgin Mary! - Touched by this miracle, he decided to give up women
and devote his life to the lord.
Calvin Palmer took my man.
To the video arcade. Would you learn to finish a thought?
The only thought I have to finish is paying you back.
Look at me, Calvin.
Look into the face of evil.
I knew evil looked something like Jennifer Beals.
Calvin: Later, yinka's night of freaky sex
turned out to be a little freakier than he planned.
( Crunching loudly )
- What are you doing? - I'm having a snack.
- You're having a snack? - I'm hungry.
- He's just hungry. - He's having a snack while we're having sex.
You're the ones having fun. I can't have a snack?
You don't have popcorn at the movies?
I don't have snacks while I'm watching other people have sex.
What do you normally do when you watch people have sex?
I don't watch other people have sex.
Then I don't know why you're acting like the expert.
I'm the one doing the work.
If anyone should have an appetite, it's me.
You sure don't have an appetite for pussy. Good thing I can eat my own.
This lawsuit is insane.
She's only pushing it just to get back at me.
I did something positive.
I turned somebody on to god. You'd think I'd be rewarded.
I'm not going to try to settle and it'll cost me a fortune to fight.
So you have this obsession with Jennifer Beals?
( Laughs ) I don't have an obsession.
- You seem to be attracted to Jennifer Beals-looking women. - There's no attraction.
I'm attracted to you. You don't look anything like Jennifer Beals.
I've been told a lot of hurtful things,
but I've never been told I don't look like Jennifer Beals.
I'm sorry. I'm not mulatto enough for you? Do you have some sort
of weird plantation sex fetish?
There's no weird plantation sex fetish.
So you don't think it's weird to be obsessed with mulattos?
It is weird... no, i... You know what?
Ever since you started your "career,"
- you haven't listened to a word I've said. - My what?
Your career. The business you started with Dana.
You didn't say career. You said "career" with finger quotes.
So why do my desires have to have finger quotes as if they aren't real?
That's not what finger quotes mean.
Finger quotes are for emphasis.
Like if I wanted to emphasize you have a "mulatto obsession."
That's cool. Finger quote away.
- Because you don't have a "mulatto obsession." - That's right.
- And I don't have a "career." - That...
"you said it, not me." "Pass the syrup?"
- Morning, son. - Morning, Eddie.
- Yinka and Terri in counseling again? - Yeah.
It breaks my heart to see Terri messed up with drugs.
I care about that girl.
- I want what's best for her. - Yeah, yinka too.
Hey yo, he got to hit it with a circus chick
who can snack on her own cootchie.
- He doesn't need my good wishes. - Let me ask you something.
As a young white boy inexplicably out of place in this neighborhood,
are you ever concerned
about how other people view your dating habits?
Eddie, I can't explain love any more than I can explain
Tucker Carlson getting another shot on msnbc,
but I do know that life is short.
I'd hate to wake up one day, 30 years old,
looking back on my best days knowing I didn't know love
without regard to race or color or a delightful lack of whiteness.
What if love wasn't about race?
What if it was about...
Another gender?
Yeah. Good luck with that one.
Calvin: Considering everything that was going on,
I figured I needed to have a little sit-down with my lawyer Leonard partzecks,
who in addition to selling herbal medicine and being a former alpaca dealer
had also just started a new side business selling hair.
Great for weaves, Calvin. Real oriental hair.
Some of it's fresh. Not all the orientals it came from were dead.
Okay, can we just keep it focused on my problem?
This lawyer, she's coming at me hard, like she's trying to take away everything I got.
The hell she is. Not only is she gonna lose,
but we're going to countersue and bleed her dry.
Clearly this case is racially motivated.
How can it be racially motivated? Malcolm's black.
- But this lawyer... - She's black too.
So we need to come up with a new strategy based on the law.
Ooh.
You're absolutely sure she's black?
- Yeah. - And the guy?
- The plaintiff. - Plaintiff? That's good.
- I oughta promote you to my assistant lawyer. - Paralegal.
That's really good. With you on my team,
- we're going to win this thing. - Lawsuit.
Damn! I wish you was with me the fourth time I took the bar exam.
Calvin: While I was explaining the law to my lawyer,
Jen and her blind friend Dana were at the bank looking for a loan
to get their business they had no business starting started.
So I thought why should all the good bed and breakfasts
be way out in the middle of nowhere where it's all quiet, picturesque
- and you can't do anything but relax and sleep? - Boring!
So that's why we've invented u.B & b... urban bed and breakfast.
It's the bed and breakfast you love, but right in the heart of the inner city
- to take advantage of the urban flava. - Pow! Pow!
Southside! What set you from, homey?
So it's a hotel?
- But with flava! - Booya! Fuck the police!
My super-sensitive hearing's telling me his heartbeat is steady and even.
I think the pitch is going well.
- I'm gonna have to run this one by the bank president. - Okay.
Uh-oh, I think that was just the wall clock
I was hearing. We might be in trouble.
Calvin: Fortunately for Jen and Dana,
in business, timing is everything.
We've been hit with our third banking scandal this year.
If I'm gonna stay out of prison,
we have to make a showy, philanthropic investment
to a worthy cause. Any ideas?
Hey, there's a black lady downstairs with her blind Asian friend.
They want to borrow some money to open a crazy urban bed and breakfast.
I should just call security, right?
Just walked right out of there with all the money we needed.
Handed it right to us. Right there, just handed us the money.
You signed a loan agreement and they transferred the money to an account?
They don't just give you money.
They just gave you money?!
Yeah, well, clearly my receiving this loan
was in response to accusations of fiduciary redlining.
But if fiscal redress comes to me in the form
of independent economic opportunity,
that just makes me the financial Elaine brown.
You know what? You're off n.P.R. For the next month.
It's not that easy to start a business.
Even though apparently it is that easy, it's not that easy.
- The easier it is now, the harder it'll be later. - Do you have a problem
- with me going into business? - Honey, you're my wife and I love you,
and I know how much having a career and following your dreams means to you.
You didn't answer the question.
Obviously there's an answer in there.
If you can't find it, maybe you ought to think
about whether or not you are ready to be in business.
Calvin: I didn't want to be prejudicial,
but before Jen's crazy "opening a business and having
a career and a life outside the house" nonsense got out of hand,
I figured I oughta talk with Dana's husband David.
I've got no problem with Dana going to work.
You kidding me? I've been busting my ass for years.
If I could relax while she's making bank?
And she's only "legally" blind.
A signature on a court document, she could be flying airplanes.
But an urban bed and breakfast? That'll never work.
Look, instead of letting them get their dream crushed,
- I say we just end this now before they lose my balls. - Lose your balls?
- Lose their money. - You said...
If you're going to dissect every freudian slip, we'll be here all day.
And you agree with me, right?
- Are you recording this? - What?
Word on the street is you've got an obsession with secretly recording people.
And with mulattos. So I just want to be sure.
( Sniffing ) David?
Is that Calvin? Is he fucking recording us?
Why don't you fucking say it a little fucking louder?
- Like he's not already fucking self-conscious. - Hey!
Calvin: And right about then,
Eddie was starting to have a sex change of his own...
A sex change of heart about Claire.
The way I heard it, this boy yinka was actually
allowing this woman's man to view him engage her in sexual activity.
These young folks, they're sick, sick in the head.
Well, it was an experience.
And I can't say yinka enjoyed it.
- But, i... I mean... - Sick! Degenerate!
I mean, you'd never catch me having deviant sex.
When exactly was the last time you had sex?
And when was the last time you had a meaningful relationship?
So busy getting in other people's business,
you won't know love when you see it.
Love doesn't look like you think it looks.
- What the hell you talking about? - I'm talking about mangina!
- Oh! - That's right, man-Gina!
I am in love
with a gender-realigned he-she.
Now I know the world is not ready for what we're all about,
and not because what we're about is wrong,
but when two people refuse
to let the world dictate the ways of their heart,
it puts every other kind of so-called normal love to shame.
Claire!
But you and your old-school ways
will have no effect on me.
Eddie: Claire!
I was just telling my so-called friends here about us
and the wonderful, loving, sex-filled relationship we have.
The what? I'm sorry,
but you must have me confused
with some other gender-realigned he-she.
Calvin: Unfortunately for Eddie, a few hours previously,
Claire had his-her own change of heart.
Who am I to come into Eddie's life
and start demanding things,
driving a wedge between him and his friends?
I know, for his sake I'll just...
Pretend our love life doesn't exist.
Oh, truly, I'm flattered
by your fantasy of our "love life,"
but clearly, it doesn't exist.
- No, but it is real! - It is not,
obviously, because I just put "love life" in finger quotes.
( Laughs )
W... w... wait a minute!
Sh... she has a mangina from Taiwan.
- And so does my radio. - And my pacemaker.
Don't look at me like I'm crazy. I am not crazy.
I'm...
I'm a deviant. Claire!
( Shop bells jangle )
( Chattering )
( Chattering stops )
- What's going on? - I came by to see you.
You came by the shop. Hmm, what'd she tell you?
- She told us she's your family. - Oh, you told 'em.
- Hmm. So now everybody knows. - Calvin...
That's great, just great. Jen told me not to be paranoid and on edge,
but I knew you were evil. You had to come down here
and tell everybody that pops couldn't stay faithful,
married him a white broad on the side and had him a love-child.
I told 'em I was your cousin from Milwaukee.
- Why wouldn't you tell them? You're my cousin. - Distant.
We have this little joke in the family about how pops married white chicks on the side.
- And had love children. - Can I talk to you in the back for a second?
- Yeah. - All right.
You chew that gum like you wish it was grape-flavored crack.
Spit the damn gum out.
I knew you were just coming around to mess me up.
I'm not trying to mess you up.
I came here because I was trying to spend time with my brother.
Well, now's a hell of a time to spend time.
The last couple of days I found out that I have a half-sister,
I'm being sued over some nonsense,
and I have no one I can lay this on because my wife's out
- trying to get her business started. - And how's that make you feel?
It makes me feel like shit.
I want Jen to do well, but she's my rock.
I need her at home so that I can... oh, no.
( Laughing ) I see what you're trying to do.
You're trying to make me think that you care about me
so I can open up to you and you can sucker me in.
- How is showing concern suckering you in? - I don't know.
But what the hell else could you want from me? You obviously want something.
I want dad. I want your dad.
- Our dad. - Your dad.
The dad you knew was this perfect guy.
That's what's messed up.
I've been trying to live up to an image that wasn't real.
And I've been trying to live down a dad I thought was a dog.
And somewhere in between is the guy our father really was.
I just want to get to know who that was...
With you, with my brother.
I think you need to head out.
Calvin: That's the problem with trying to figure out
"what would Jesus do?" Jesus was Jesus.
The rest of us are just people trying to deal with shit.
And sooner or later,
no matter how Jesus-like you try to be,
it gets hard to turn the other cheek.
That's what you wanna do? Go on, hit me.
I'd like to see you hit me.
You... I'd like to see you do that again.
Yeah.
I'd like to see you do that with a back fist,
but harder.
( Theme music playing )
You shave your shit? Ugh!