Calvin: There's only one thing worse
than finding out for years your pops had a secret other family.
It's finding out that that secret other family
might be better than the one you grew up with.
More crab cakes, Calvin?
So this is how rich people have breakfast.
When I get home, I'm kicking that ho aunt jemima to the curb.
So adorable!
Just like your father. When I squeeze you,
it's like squeezing him. Mmm!
Instead of giving me an uncomfortably sexual hug and thinking about pops,
how 'bout you just tell me more about him?
I love hearing about my dad... our dad. Our parallel dad.
He was just so human. He was never afraid to admit he'd made a mistake.
Well, if it isn't my full-breed half-brother.
And clearly he made some.
So, is this your plan now, Calvin, hmm?
Come around, eat our crab cakes, take over the family?
- Steal our mom? - It's just a visit, not an invasion.
Come on, you're part of the majority minority.
And majorities, even if they're partly minorities,
just take what they want without regard to the consequences.
It's what dad did with mom. It's the reason I'm here.
I think cheap liquor and a lack of birth control
is the reason why your here. No offense, mom... parallel mom.
Why should I be offended?
Actually, that couldn't be further from the truth,
and I am completely offended.
Calvin: While I was dealing with the politics of family,
Jimmy was dealing with the politics of politics.
He was in the middle of his campaign
against Chicago's super ex-mayor, Nicholas Kane.
With Kane leading the polls,
Jimmy's campaign manager, Veronica farwright,
was doing her damnedest to turn Jimmy into, well,
a man of his people.
A study has shown that most criminals
and most economically disadvantaged people of color
have one thing in common...
Silly names. Jermajesty.
Iridescence, Toyota, anfernee,
dollar bill, urethra! You want to take a bite out of crime?
Let's chew off some of these silly names.
What about condoleezza? You call that a normal name?
Mr. Ex-mayor, I've been polite with you,
listened to you try to talk the talk.
But I think it's finally time for me to hit the "r" button.
Yes, Jimmy, that's it. Talk about race!
- Republicanism! - I don't know why I bother to lift my head.
Republicans are the party that freed the slaves.
You all would be out singing the hip-hop songs in the field
if things were left to the old school ways
- of weak-kneed bleeding hearts like Nicholas Kane. - I'm dying.
That's right! Your liberal bleeding heart
is draining you of life! You don't need...
( all gasp )
Oh, you mean literally.
Calvin: People say once you get married, life gets dull.
The people who say that damn sure ain't married to my wife.
Can I run a tour group of African sightseers through your barbershop?
Shouldn't you be trying to save your failing hotel?
Well, actually, Dana and I partnered with big tricky and da boot,
and they've gone a long way to helping us.
As a security guard at a local hotel,
big tricky was able to re-direct some Nigerian tourists
from where he worked to Jen and Dana's urban bed and breakfast.
- We would like to check in. - Get your asses down to the urban bed and breakfast!
So big tricky's got all these Nigerians staying at your bed and breakfast?
- That must be terrible. - Oh, no.
Nigerians are very nice people,
clean, and they pay in cash. They're nothing like those Tanzanians!
I meant it must be terrible for you
- that big tricky and da boot saved the business. - They didn't.
They may have the customers coming in, but I have the ideas that keep them coming back.
I'm gonna take the tourists on a historical landmark tour of the neighborhood.
What historical landmarks do we have
in our neighborhood besides old gang graffiti?
This is the barbershop, where Martin Luther King got his hair cut
before getting hosed down by the Skokie Nazis.
And it's also where r Kelly got trimmed up before...
You know, the video.
R Kelly? Dr. King?
We have to put up with this shit?
- Where the hell is Calvin? - Calvin can't be bothered right now.
You know he found out his father had a parallel family,
so he's off dealing with family issues.
- Another mojito? - Thanks, mom.
Jennifer, you're lying to these good people.
I am painting a slightly more colorful picture
of Chicago for their enjoyment.
Now if you'll all come with me, I'll show you the spot where
Chicago gave birth to motown sound.
Since leaving the motherland, even though he'd had sex with any number of women
including Jen's gynecologist
and a woman who, quote, "had a coochie tight as shrink-wrap,"
it wasn't until he laid eyes on a Nigerian woman
that yinka found himself truly in love.
( African music playing )
Smells like teen nubian spirit!
Fernandez Hernandez?
Never mind what Jen was selling the Nigerians.
Truth is, local celebs occasionally came into the shop
to get tightened up.
Fernandez Hernandez was a star right fielder
on the best baseball team in the city,
and married to champion figure skater missy starlight.
They were the celebrity Chicago couple.
Fernandez used to be yinka's client. Not anymore.
My 'do looks tight. I can't get this look on the road.
Isaac, how about you travel with us?
You could cut hair for the other guys,
- be our personal stylist. - You're serious?
Give me a call if you're interested.
Hey! That was my Fernandez!
You weren't here. He needed a cut.
You stole him from me.
It's not a woman, it's a customer.
Besides, your bitch chose me.
Why are you all salty? What's going on?
What was going on with Isaac?
Isaac had it for Terri,
but Terri had it for her drug counselor James
who gave her something no other man did... something to hit.
And jealousy's got a way of working a young man.
Shouldn't you be taking a hot comb
to your boyfriend's ball sack right now?
The cord on the hot comb is frayed like my last nerve for you, motherfucker.
I see how this is gonna be.
As Terri says, retribution is one that fucks one's mother!
- Hoo! - Huh!
He just say something about my momma?
I feel horrible. I killed a man.
I know you didn't kill him. You can't blame yourself.
Unfortunately, you were the closest to him when he died,
so now the whole ward thinks you're like schleprock...
Bad luck, bad news.
Maybe I should make a gesture.
Meet with his widow, give my condolences.
That's actually very smart.
Express your sympathies, perhaps offer to use
some of her husband's ideas if you get elected!
It could go a long way with the voters.
So you do have some political savvy.
You know, Jimmy, you impress me sometimes.
- Maybe you're just attracted to me. - ( Laughs )
Smart and funny!
You're gonna have a great career.
We missed you at dinner last Sunday.
I had some other plans.
Oh, that means you were at that ho's house.
I was at dad's parallel wife's house.
I think that's what I said.
They're real good people.
Stress-free people. It's nice to spend some time
around a family that puts me first.
You don't think we're concerned about you?
You can't let pop's secret other family keep you
from being all the strong black man you are.
Keep me from being a strong black man? That's mom talking.
Mom told you to say that. She's manipulating you.
Calvin's only saying that because he knows
you've always been my favorite child, baby.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
'Cause I remember one time you said I was
- nothing but a drunken mistake. - I don't recall that.
It was at his seventh birthday party in front of his friends
right before he blew out the candles on the cake.
It was just some things I said to help make him strong.
Classic Mae Palmer move. What she's doing,
that there's called being passive-aggressive.
She wants to kill my joy, but she doesn't want to feel guilty about it.
So you have Derrick do it. So Derrick, tell mom
if she has some problem, she needs to say something
- about it to me. - Mom, Calvin said...
Calvin, it hurts me you'd rather spend time
with your other mother than me.
Wow. That's a new one.
- I don't know that move. - It's sincerity.
( Emotionally ) Sincerity with a hurt only a mother could know.
Hold up, that's not sincerity.
That's emotional manipulation.
Ah, I remember that. When I was nine,
I forgot to get you a mother's day card, and you guilted me
into a year of foot massages.
- My little hands hurt! - And if your little hands
couldn't get me a hallmark card, they deserved to hurt!
Calvin: With the Nigerian tours
Jen proved she could handle her business,
but getting one problem out of your life
just makes room for new ones.
Get thee behind me, Satan!
Do not be tempted with his foul temptations.
You look like you could use a little Jesus in your life, my dark brother.
Take a pamphlet. I can't hand it to you.
Hey, get back over here, you heathen,
and respect the word of the lord!
( Chuckles ) Excuse me. Hi.
I couldn't help but notice you're scaring the Nigerians.
Could you possibly do your little act elsewhere?
This ain't no little act.
I'm saving souls, you faithless fornicator!
- That's not very nice. - You call yourself a man of god? That's rude.
- I just told you that. - Don't include me with him.
I'm not some kind of Evangelical jerk.
I'm a godless atheist.
Oh, right.
So, you're crazy.
Crazy for Jesus!
♪ Well, come on in ♪
- ♪ come on in! ♪ - Would you shut up?
- Jesus Christ! - Is lord!
Oh!
( Door chimes dinging )
Yinka, what the hell is this?
Why do you automatically assume I had anything to do with it?
'Cause this is like some voodoo nonsense you would do.
Voudon, and because it has any kind of spiritualism
it has to be the African. Sorry, Isaac, I don't believe in voudon.
- ( Chanting ) - Calvin: Actually,
yinka did believe in voudon and practiced it often.
I realize you're upset,
but even if you do put a voudon curse on me,
we still only accept in-store exchanges on merchandise.
( Chants )
You always wanted to be a celebrity barber,
so you stole my customer!
If Calvin was here, he'd never let this stand!
Get over it! And the next time I see some voodoo shit around my booth,
me and you are gonna have something to talk about.
Ooh. ( Chuckles )
I'm going to need more chicken bones.
- ( Instrument dings ) - ( Blows air )
We're out of barbicide. We're running low on product.
Haven't got my new hot comb yet. Can't use this one.
Calvin needs to get on these vendors again. Where is he at?
You know he's dealing with family issues.
Another mojito?
Thanks, mom.
He's been dealing with family issues every day this week.
I haven't had a minute to spend with Claire!
Calvin needs to handle business.
No, man, I got it.
Uh, we appreciate your enthusiasm,
but this is a business issue.
No, man, it's cool. Calvin's been taking me with him,
teaching me how to deal with vendors and shit.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm Calvin's number two.
So, all of y'all need to bend to my corporate will
or otherwise expect an ass-whooping.
All right, I'm gonna catch y'all bitches after lunch.
( Door chimes dinging )
( African music playing )
- Hello. - Hello.
- I'm yinka. - Vivian.
- You're Nigerian, yes? - Yes.
I know this may seem a little strange,
but I'm having a difficulty with a co-worker,
and I'd like to resolve it with a voudon curse.
Tsk, I don't believe in such things.
You know, I would expect an American to hold
such ignorant beliefs, but you?
I sincerely apologize. I have been
around some narrow-minded people
having lived in america for so long.
You've been here long? Have you met Oprah?
I think she is the incarnation of chineke, the goddess creator,
and one day she will unite all the people of the world
with her weight-loss programs and free car giveaways.
You don't happen to know Oprah, do you?
Oprah? Are you serious?
All she does is call. I'm like,
- "Oprah, give it a rest." ( Giggling ) - Wow.
Would you like to have lunch,
- talk about Oprah? - Um...
Woman, come now.
It's my husband. I must go.
Woman, do you hear me?
- Yes. - Come on!
Calvin: And right then, yinka was hit
- with a horrid realization. - She is married?!
Calvin: And right then, yinka was hit
with another horrid realization.
If I'm ever out with her and I run into Oprah, I'm in trouble!
- Another mojito? - Actually, you know,
I think I need to be heading back, check on the shop.
You really are like your father.
He was always about work and responsibility.
He didn't know how to relax.
He didn't have time to relax. He was at the shop 24-7.
Although I suspect 12 out of those 24 he was probably here.
When I first met your father, he was fairly repressed.
It was like he was afraid to be himself.
I think I have an idea where he got that from.
Ketchup on your peas?
What makes you think you could sit down at the table
after a hard day's work and use whatever condiments you like?
We will not have loose use of condiments in this house.
See, my mom was all about being strong and ready for anything.
Well, that's why he liked being around me.
When he wanted to talk, I'd listen,
and when he wanted to hang out, we'd just hang out.
Hmm, that's real sweet.
Eventually I got him to cut loose those sexual inhibitions,
- and he became my star student. - Huh,
and I grew up with this convenient belief that my pops never had sex.
We didn't have sex, we fucked!
Fucked fucked fucked, sometimes three, four times in an afternoon.
We'd head for the bed, just do it on the floor. ( Chuckles )
I think what mom's trying to say... in the most graphic way possible...
Is dad was happy here. He raised us to be non-judgmental.
It's hard to be judgmental with your second family.
I'm not saying our situation was exactly traditional,
- but we had a lot of love. - And good fucking.
- And too much information. - And love,
and this is your family too, and we're here for you
whenever you need to be somewhere people aren't judging you.
- No no no. "According to Jim"? - ( Audience laughing on TV )
There will not be any "according to Jim" in this house.
- But this is my house. - Baby, pick up the remote
and dial on over to u.P.N.
"Cuts"?! Oh.
- Can I get another one of those mojitos? - Sure.
Calvin: Meanwhile, Jimmy met with the widow Kane.
The plan was for him to make nice in front of the cameras,
get in and out in two minutes.
Mrs. Kane, you have my sincerest condolences.
Of course, I'm gonna cancel the second debate,
and I will use some of your husband's ideas once I'm elected.
Calvin: For a guy who's not normally a people person,
Jimmy did real well. Unfortunately, he wasn't in and out in two minutes.
Well, if your husband's ideas weren't so damn stupid,
I could be more specific about which ones I'd use!
You're a kiss-ass dilettante. My dead husband could
beat you blind with one arm tied behind his back.
- He can't beat me from under six feet of dirt. - Who says he can't?
- I'm not taking his name off the ballot. - Fine, fine,
fine, I'm not canceling the debate. We'll just see
how well Kane does when the public has to choose
between a corpse and a guy who can actually attend a city council meeting.
- I think I need to show you out. - Don't bother.
I'll find my own way out.
Down the hall, left at the grandfather clock,
- through the garden and out the gate. - And which way at the clock?
Calvin: And right when you think
your marriage is getting a little dull...
We have a crazy ventriloquist religious atheist nut
- in front of our bed and breakfast. - What?
A crazy ventriloquist religious atheist nut.
- You gotta do something. - Me?
It's your bed and breakfast. I don't ask you to come down
to the barbershop and sweep up hair. Just call the police.
I did, but as long as he stays on the sidewalk,
he's on public propert.
Hmm. I don't know what else to tell you.
You want me to fail. You haven't even been down
- to see the bed and breakfast yet. - Sweetheart, that's not true.
I just don't have time for your puppet troubles.
- I got family issues to deal with. - Why do you need towels
and sunscreen to deal with family issues?
You want me to catch melanoma while I'm working on problems with my kin?
If anybody wants somebody to fail, clearly it's you.
Excuse me, Mrs. Kane?
( Shouting ) Do you know you have four grandfather clocks
- in this house? - ( Clock tolls )
Eddie, I feel like I never see you enough anymore.
It's Calvin. He's gone all the time,
and I gotta mind the shop. I can't be in two places at once.
I'm not Calvin's dad.
Well, you need to make some sacrifices for our relationship.
'Cause sacrificing all my friends
to be in a relationship with a he-she wasn't enough?
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I will make you a big old plate
of your favorite baked chicken
if you promise to come home early Friday evening.
( Chuckles ) Baby,
I wouldn't miss that if the shop was on fire.
Calvin: With Terri backing him up, romadal was in the process
of applying his business skills with a couple of my deadbeat vendors...
Jermajesty and Toyota.
- What's up with the combs and shit? - He wants to know
- what's up with the combs. - And shit. We out of combs.
- And shit. - We paid for some motherfuckin' combs.
- We out of combs. - But we can get you some fresh shit. Oh!
They got their disses down good.
Calvin: Jermajesty and Toyota did have their disses down good.
It was a skill they picked up
during their short-lived
rap career in the early '80s.
You got a box of combs right there. You gonna play dumb?
Do you think I'm a dumb blond or just blind?
Maybe you're just a stupid, bitch.
Maybe you're just a fake blonde stupid bitch!
- It's about to be my foot, your coochie! - Whoo!
No, chill chill. That ain't how you handle business.
That's right, magilla, calm your little angry negress right on down.
- Terri, hold my shit. - Yeah, if you go back to jail,
you don't want your bling in cop storage.
Damn that. I don't want my shit getting stuck up this bitch's coochie
( all yell )
Yeah, man.
Ah, check it out, man. I love how you do the hair.
You work good with your hands. Very steady.
- They never shake. - Thanks, man.
- So I got something else I want you to do for me. - Oh, cool.
Ah, shit, man! Yinka's curse worked.
Can you inject me right here? I'd do it myself,
- but that's a hell of a reach. - Is this what I think it is?
It's steroids. I ain't one of those diabetic Insulin junkies.
But steroids give you an unfair advantage.
A nuclear bomb is an unfair advantage,
but you don't see america passing it out to other countries
to level the playing field. And the senate investigates us for being unfair?
How fair is it a bunch of old white guys make the laws?
- Can't argue with that. - Isaac, you get to hang
around ball players and get paid good on top.
Are you gonna let some bullshit ethical argument
stop you from making some extra cheddar?
But it's not all about the money, man.
What about the groupie pussy?
The private sector will have the incentive
to step back into the community and provide for the needs of the people.
Now if I may move to another point...
I'm sorry, your opponent's allowed a two-minute rebuttal.
Say what? My opponent is dead.
Your opponent is present...
And the rules stipulate he has two minutes rebuttal.
Fine! Let the dead guy talk!
This has gone over two minutes,
so you're just costing him points!
- ( Bells ding ) - Excuse me.
( Door closes )
Could someone please help me with my hair?
Well, we got one girl who does ladies' hair,
but she's not here right now.
Please sit down. I'll help you.
- Wh... you know how to do women's hair? - ( Chuckles )
Put Terri's hot comb to it, straighten it some.
Hair as lovely as this,
it'd be no more difficult than tending to a garden.
Calvin: Unfortunately, yinka had never tended a garden.
( Siren wailing )
- Hello. - Guess who can't make it to dinner
'cause... Guess what's on fire.
Ha!
You have me bake chicken for you all day
while you hang out
at the barbershop. Ha!
Well, I got something for you, Eddie,
and it is not the mangina.
Calvin: Meanwhile, Jen was dealing
with her puppet apostle problem.
But the Bible says, "let not the wise man boast of his wisdom."
Sorry, the complete text implies
if you're gonna boast, boast you know the lord,
I know you, god. I will boast
until all the heathens see the light.
You damn puppet, you're made out of wood,
just like the cross. Jesus was nailed
to your ancestors, you little Christ-killer.
Oh, would you be quiet?!
I don't need your help, heathen.
Smite her, lord. Hit her with that leprosy.
O lord, why has thou forsaken me?
Calvin: And back at the shop...
I told y'all to keep your hands off my goddamn hot comb!
You couldn't keep your hands off my hot comb?
Calvin: Unfortunately, small as it was,
- Claire didn't believe there was a fire at all. - There you are.
I hope you like bones, 'cause that's all that's left.
But, baby... a fire!
How is that my fault?
Even the insurance industry recognizes
a fire as an act of god.
Calvin: And unfortunately, right then yinka walked in.
Just came back from talking with the insurance company.
Can you believe they don't consider hot comb fires an act of god?
Calvin: Unfortunately, Eddie left the chicken bones
in an ill-advised location.
Yinka.
- ( Yinka grunts ) - Kick his ass!
- Yeah! Uh-huh! Yeah! - ( All shouting )
I didn't mean it! It was self-defense!
- I think I'm going to hell. - Calvin: Unfortunately, nobody cared.
- ( Continue grunting ) - Kick his ass.
( All shouting )
Yo, bitch-ass employees!
Oh, somebody needs to hold my shit,
'cause it's ass-whooping time.
Hey hey hey hey hey!
What the hell are you people doing? Are you insane?
I get a call from Jen talking about some severed puppet head,
I thought she was nuts. She's not nuts.
Okay, maybe she is nuts, but y'all are nuts too,
tearing up my pop's shop! Y'all are the most
irresponsible, undependable...
All right, everybody, stay where you are!
Detective hahana, Chicago P.D.
Oh god. Are you happy now?
- Hold my stuff. - We're not looking for you, ma'am.
We don't really have a puppet hate crimes division.
- Oh, okay. - We're looking for romadal.
You're under arrest. You assaulted two women,
and that is a violation of your parole.
Hey, hold up, man. I need somebody to hold my...
I need somebody to hold my shit! Damn.
( Weakly ) Watch out for the stun gun.
Romadal. I'd figure a guy like that
would be secretary of state.
Guess you can't judge people by their names, can you?
Romadal's going to jail, your wife assaulted a puppet,
the shop is going to shit.
Calvin, where the hell have you been?
- Another mojito? - Thanks, mom.
Calvin.
Mom, be careful of the water there. It's slick.
Are you okay, baby?
Do I look all right? Does anything look all right?
- Oh. - I really messed up this time.
I spent so much time trying to get caught up with pop's other family
that I let the shop fall apart.
This is gonna cost a fortune to fix. No way I can afford it.
- The insurance... - no, the insurance is not gonna cover this.
No, baby, I have supplemental coverage on the shop.
Derrick was able to get it through his insurance company.
You never told me you had special insurance on the shop.
- Parallel insurance. - How would you have insurance on the shop?
Why wouldn't I make sure that my son is taken care of?
We're family. Now, you had to know we'd look out for you.
Maybe not always with hugs and fancy cocktails,
but, baby, family is family,
and family never lets family down.
- Does family forgive? - Baby, there's nothing to forgive,
and don't let your other family go, either.
There's enough of you for all of us.
I love you, Calvin.
This is good.
Some more of your emotional manipulation
to take the edge off. Good call.
Get over here. I missed my boy.
( Chuckles ) Damn, this is kind of like real emotion.
( Chuckles )
Uh, I've never had real emotion with you before.
I don't know what to do.
Me neither.
And I'm starting to panic.
♪ Shine the light of god's love on me ♪
♪ shine the light for all to see ♪
♪ he teaches all what is right ♪
♪ and what is wrong ♪
♪ shine the light ♪
♪ down on me ♪
♪ shine the light ♪
♪ let the blind man see ♪
♪ in his darkness ♪
♪ and set him free ♪
♪ turn the night into day ♪
♪ let his love lead the way ♪
♪ shine the light of god's love on me... ♪
Puppet: Why has thou forsaken me?
♪ His love ♪
♪ oh, sets us free! ♪