Calvin: Life, like the weather and actor Tom sizemore,
- can be unpredictable. - I'm your sister.
While I was getting to know my pops' secret other family...
Give mommy a great big hug!
I left romadal in charge of the shop.
As far as I see it, I'm like Calvin number two.
So, all of you all need to bend to my corporal will.
Romadal handled the hair cutting business the same way he did everything else...
Terri, hold my shit. I don't want my shit getting stuck up in this bitch's coochie
- when I give a motherfucking beatdown. - By whoopin' ass.
That was a violation of his parole and landed him back in jail.
And in a roundabout way, it was my fault.
Ain't your fault, man. You weren't around, this is what happened.
Just like my pops. He wasn't around,
and I went to prison.
So really, you're like the father I never had all over again.
I'm gonna get you outta here.
In a legal way!
Here's a tip: Before you promise
to get somebody out of jail the in a legal way,
find out how much it's gonna cost...
$250,000 to get romadal out of jail?
I'm an urban black man! It might as well be 250 million!
And an executive job at a fortune 500 company.
No, Calvin, you will get the money.
I'm willing to forgive that you haven't even set foot
in my urban bed and breakfast yet,
but I cannot forgive you doing nothing to help romadal.
Now, romadal was my wife's kin. So I had to tell her not to worry about romadal
'cause I knew exactly what to do. I lied.
I have no idea what to do.
- It's bad, but it could be worse. - That's for sure.
Did you get all that weed out of his apartment?
Yeah, he had like five pounds at his joint.
Five? Romadal told me he had six.
Why don't you come over to my place and weigh it?
What happened to trust?
What are you looking at?
Don't stare at me like I'm acting oddly paranoid.
Calvin, judge set the bail?
- $250,000. - That's outrageous.
That's another example of the white man's justice system
keeping us down.
The judge isn't white. She's black.
Black judge who sold out, moved to the suburbs.
It's judge Williams. She lives up the block.
Calvin, we all help in our own way.
Mine is to blame the system.
Now if you ain't buying what I'm selling,
I'll just go fetch Claire and we're gonna have some lunch.
Lunch? It's a quarter to 11:00.
You against everything I stand for, aren't you?
Terri: Oh, look who it is.
"Mr. Big time" himself!
Hey, you got clients waiting.
Did you just give me the "shush" finger?
He did not just give me the "shush" finger. I'm gonna kill him!
If you kill him, when you get to prison tell romadal I'm working on it.
Oh, I'm sorry, that was just one of my ball player clients.
Ooh, ball player clients.
You know, Isaac has ball player clients.
Big time pro athlete hair cutter.
And yinka client poacher!
He's all hair brother to the stars with himself.
Well it's a quarter to 11:00 in the morning
and I've got the only customers here.
- You, come with me. - ( Stammering ) Calvin!
Are you gonna let him talk to us like that?
I'm in a bad way for cash right now,
so yeah, you're gonna have to shut up and take it.
And since you're gonna have to take about $250,000 worth of Isaac's talk,
you might want to invest in some earplugs.
Announcer: How well do you really know Jimmy James?
He said my ass was g.E.D. Educated.
My ass is vassar educated.
I chose to be a sanitation worker.
I'm serving my city.
Has Jimmy James ever served his city?
I used to work with Jimmy James.
I was there when whatever other people say happened happened.
And whatever it is Jimmy said really happened, didn't.
It's a lie. And you know it's a lie
because I'm telling you it's a lie.
I wouldn't lie about lying.
He killed ex-mayor Kane.
I don't care what the autopsy revealed
about hardening of the arteries.
If Jimmy James' meanness and general rude nature
cut short Kane's life by as little as 60 seconds,
that's murder.
( Announcer reading )
You just had to be antagonizing to everybody, didn't you?
They're haters. They're just jealous of my success.
You're running a distant second in the polls to a dead man.
I think we can eliminate jealousy as a motive.
Right. We should start looking at envy.
We need money. We've got to start running some of our own ads.
You don't have access to any money?
Rumor has it that your old boss alderman ray used to keep a slush fund.
It's possible. He was a democrat.
And I understand Democratic mistresses are not cheap.
Despite the fact that they shop at the gap.
If he did have dirty money, I don't know anything about it.
Sorry, Jimmy James does not do dirty politics.
I will only accept clean money.
So you get your ass on the phone and see if you can get in touch
with somebody from one of them big tobacco companies!
Calvin: Speaking of making money,
Isaac was making serious cash in his side business,
injecting local pro ball player Fernandez Hernandez with steroids.
Man, you sure get that little pricker in and out of my ass smoothly.
If you're gonna say that out loud, could you phrase it,
"you have a way of injecting me with steroids that causes no pain"?
Semantics. Look, Isaac, me and some of the other guys
want to thank you for stepping up and helping us get that unfair advantage.
So we're giving you this pre-paid credit card.
It's not much, just $10,000.
$10,000 isn't much?
Sorry, sometimes I forget I'm talking to regular people
and not stupid rich pro athletes. I gotta get to the stadium,
but after the gamer we'll go somewhere and celebrate.
This Hernandez...
There goes the greatest guy ever to cheat at the game of baseball.
Calvin: I still had no idea how to get romadal out of prison. Jail.
So I figured it was time to have a talk with my lawyer, Leonard.
Whoo, um... Wow, mmm!
Okay, okay...
Whooh...
All right, you want him out of jail?
Then I figured it was time to get a new lawyer,
like my old enemy, Lea Robinson Jr.
You want me to be your lawyer?
You want my help?
It must be so hard for you to swallow your pride.
Not really. I'm more concerned about romadal.
But I tried to sue you just because I thought you chased off my boyfriend.
This has gotta hurt some.
Look, if you can help romadal, that's all I care about.
And if you can get a mostly innocent man out of jail for a fee,
isn't that why people become lawyers?
I became a lawyer to twist your balls in a meat grinder.
I wanted to carve you from your flesh,
and screw what was left of you.
What the hell law school did you go to?
- You're back again. - I wanted to come tell you goodbye.
We'll be going back to Nigeria tomorrow.
I'm going to be going home later this year.
Maybe I could see you.
I would love to. Except I'll be dead.
Are you ill?
No, nothing that bad.
I'm going to be stoned to death for disrespecting my husband.
That's terrible!
I guess that's why they're stoning me to death.
No, the stoning! That's the part I meant was terrible!
But it's the law of our people.
- And they've promised me they'll use little stones. - You'll still be dead!
When you are facing flying rocks in your future,
you really try and be as optimistic as possible.
It's not right. Does the Nigerian tourist commission know about this?
I've been allowed to come say goodbye to my family.
I'm at peace.
Very at peace now that I have been able to say goodbye to you.
Wife! Come now!
I have to go.
I cannot disrespect my husband again.
They might switch to bigger stones.
Calvin: And as Isaac's pockets got swollen,
he got even Fuller with himself.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, man.
I'm looking for some new gear that expresses who I am.
- Who are you? - Who am I?
I'm Isaac.
I'm a guy who got a credit card from his buddies with a 10 grand limit.
Oh, that Isaac. Why don't you step away from our 2-for-5 rack
and let me show you our "all sales are final" specials?
And we can ice out that watch for you.
Also, if you have any other body metal, nipple posts, genital cuffs,
we can ice those out for you, too.
Like I'm the only guy that's got iced-out genital cuffs.
Terri: Where's that Isaac Brice?
Where is that Isaac Brice?
♪ Everybody's talking at me ♪
♪ I don't hear a word they're saying ♪
♪ only the echoes of my mind... ♪
All: Oh, hey!
Welcome back, cowboy.
Damn, Isaac, about damn time. You got customers waiting.
Oh, I didn't tell you. I'm being more selective about my clientele now.
( All laugh )
This is a barbershop on the south side.
We don't have clientele. We have customers.
Two kinds. The ones with cash,
and the ones with excuses.
Excuses? Look, my lotto number not coming in
for 1,763 weeks is not an excuse.
- It's a fact! - I'm not cutting them.
You're not cutting them because you're standing there with your lips flapping.
Soon as they stop flapping and your little fingers get to movin'...
I've been bringing in big talent, willing to pay top dollar.
And you get a piece of it. You're lucky I'm still cutting hair at all.
All: Ooh!
You're right. Go.
I don't deserve all of your good fortune.
So get out.
I don't care.
Got a lot of rich ball players on the West Side that are begging for it.
And they're paying me for it, too.
And all their regular cutters are usually tutti-frutties.
I got places to go.
Calvin: While Isaac was sent looking for work somewhere else,
Lea worked her legal magic with the prosecutor.
I will place your balls in a metaphorical nutcracker
and snap them like dry walnuts.
What the hell law school did you go to?
I got the prosecutor to recommend bail be reduced to $50,000.
The judge refuses to bring it any lower.
50 is better. Still a hell of a lot more than I've got.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- You're smiling. - I'm smiling a little.
I'm in a bad way and you're smiling?
Calvin, how long have I been plotting my payback against you?
That just supposed to go away?
Come on, I'm working on it. I'm smiling on the outside, but hurting on the inside.
Actually I'm smiling all around.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy
a pretty dress to celebrate my joy.
Why did Johnny Cochran have to die?
Then io told him "I don't want your stinking job anyway!
Who the hell needs it? I don't need it." What do you think of that?
I want you to poke me in the ass.
You take steroids, too? I mean, of course you do.
Being a former champion athlete yourself and all.
Calvin: Missy had been a champion skater
until she stunned the world with her controversial
nude short program at the lillehammer Olympics.
I want you to make my ass say your name.
I was really hoping you took steroids too.
Lot of people can't handle my sexuality.
Can't you handle my sexuality?
Can we talk about sexuality while your ass isn't in my face?
Look, Mrs. Hernandez, you're married.
To Mr. Hernandez. The guy that hooked me up.
And he's a big leaguer. He ought to be able to satisfy you.
Let me put it like this. Steroids and sterile
are two words that don't just sound alike.
Oh, Isaac, Isaac, Isaac...
You're years younger than me,
I'm married, you're friends with my husband,
this couldn't be more exciting if I was your mother.
Calvin: While Isaac was hitting it on one side of town,
Terri realized that was exactly what she was tired of doing on another.
Go ahead, baby. Lay it on me.
I don't know, this just doesn't do it for me anymore.
What, you want me to expose some more flesh?
I got a shimmy new hammer set from home depot that's got your name all over it.
It's like it's not new and exciting anymore.
I hit you, you scream, I punch you, you cry,
I smack you, you bleed... We've just gotten into a rut.
I want a relationship that's about more than welts and bruises
and lying to the angry nurse at the clinic who won't take my medical card.
All this really is, I'm taking out my frustration on you
- 'cause there's somebody else I got it for. - So it's over?
Can I at least get a hug?
Could you at least mush my trachea
- a little harder into your collar bone? - Okay, I gotta go.
Calvin: Not being able to get romadal out of jail,
that was starting to wear on me.
I feel like hell. I had a chance to make a difference
in romadal's life and I didn't. But that's the thing,
especially with black people. We gotta stand up
- and fight for what's right no matter what. - No matter what.
You can't just sit back and watch bad shit happen.
You gotta go out and make a difference. Be proactive.
Even though society may say otherwise and there could be repercussions.
Society used to say that slavery was right.
Jim crow was right. But you gotta be bigger than society.
Like nat Turner was. Like Malcolm X was.
Even Jesus, who we know was secretly black.
Even though it didn't work out for any of them personally,
they still managed to change the world. That's gotta count for something.
There's a time to sit back, there's a time to stand up
- and fight for what you believe in. - Yes!
Some change. That's it, fight!
You know, yinka, you might think
about taking up some English classes between cuts.
Maybe at night, 'cause your subjects and verbs are refusing to agree.
The time for proper English has passed.
It is now time for action!
Yinka was right.
It is time for action. Eddie,
all that stuff you were talking about, blaming the system?
Teach me.
Clearly you and your bank have demonstrated a pattern
of discrimination against blacks.
If you don't hand me some money, I will sue you,
and you will be known in the headlines
as "the U.S. racist bank and loan."
Yeah, I think you need to speak with our loan manager.
I wonder how many people at this so-called bank
even know what it's like to be discriminated against, Ms. Littlefeather,
- if that is in fact your real name. - It is.
You know, for a bank,
you all have a real aversion to hiring white folks,
which I could bring to the attention of the media
if I do not get what I want.
Mr. Palmer, have you considered just applying for a loan?
Sounds too easy. What's the catch?
No catch, but for a $50,000 line of credit,
you have to put up collateral, like your business.
Aw, shit.
I can't believe it, dog. You actually came through for me.
I said I would, and I did.
Put up your business to cover my ass, man!
You're a good dude, man. Really.
You know what's wild, man?
I'm figuring if I hadn't robbed and whooped ass
and done all that bad shit
I would have never gone to prison,
Jen would have never helped me out
and I would have never met you, so it's like me doing bad shit
- was a good thing. - Yeah, except for all those people
that got whopped and robbed, it's a damn near blessing.
If I ever have a kid one day, I hope he fucks up,
so he can meet somebody like you.
- My people! - ( People groan )
How is everyone?
Jimmy James! Back in the barbershop!
You must be lost. Take a wrong turn at steppin fetchit drive?
( All laughing )
Eddie, I will happily take any cracks you throw today
as long as they are wrapped in tens or twenties.
As it turns out,
I'm just a little bit shy of my financial goals.
And so I thought to myself, "Jimmy, even people
completely ignorant of the political process can still understand
that campaigns don't pay for themselves.
So I'm gonna set this here, you know,
and you all can contribute at your leisure, you know?
You'll be on the honor system.
- ( Sighs ) - What?
I will be damned! Out of all the people in here,
I surely did not expect you to be the first one
to step up and support my bid for city alderman.
No no, that's not for your campaign.
That's for your funeral after they assassinate your ass
- like they did Harold Washington. - Assassinated?
Really? 'Cause I always heard
that Harold Washington died of natural causes.
Harold Washington was murdered!
And he always knew it was gonna happen.
See, he used to babysit me as a child.
Talked about his fears all the time.
- ( Music playing on TV ) - Oh, I'm gonna be mayor one day,
and as soon as they can, they're gonna get me and make it look
- like an accident, "natural causes." - I'm trying to watch
"little rascals." Stymie can't get algebra the mule
- out of the rich boy's car. - My god, son,
you'll never learn anything watching TV! Now be quiet.
And let me teach you how to blame the system for everything.
Harold Washington was like a father to me,
- and all of black Chicago loves Harold Washington! - All: Yeah!
So in a way, all of black Chicago loves me.
- ( Laughs ) - So you better take me seriously
while you got the chance. They poisoned Harold.
Poisoned?
Yeah, city employees did it. They had access to his food.
Why would city employees kill Harold Washington?
They were afraid of a black man having so much power.
Aren't most city employees black?
Clearly they were brainwashed.
Didn't you see "the manchurian candidate"?
If they can brainwash Denzel, none of us are safe.
- You're crazy! - Crazy...
Or brainwashed?
Calvin: Back in Isaac's world, he was about to get
a rude awakening that his newly developed lifestyle
of balling out of control didn't just apply to his bank account.
Something terrible's happened. Fernando's found out we had sex.
- How did that happen? - It was my fault.
We got in a fight and it slipped out.
I made him breakfast, he said the eggs were runny,
I said, "fuck you, I fucked Isaac
and I fucking loved it." And he didn't believe it,
- so I showed him the tape. - That tape was for us!
Isaac, Isaac, Isaac, I wish there was something I could do.
You can tell your husband the truth. Tell him you talked me
into having sex with you after confessing to me he couldn't get it up.
Mmm, Isaac, Isaac, Isaac, I wish there was something I could really do.
Actually, there is one thing I can do.
I should warn you not to go back to your place.
I think the lesson here is, never 'roid up a guy
and then get him pissed at you.
( Vivian grunts )
He stole my woman! He stole my woman!
Hi! Checking in?
- Sanctuary. - I want you to know,
- I'm a married woman. There will be no sex. - This isn't about sex!
We'll hide out here until we can get you political asylum.
I won't let you go back to Nigeria to be stoned.
- You are saving my life? - Yes.
Maybe there will be sex.
Calvin: With no job, no place to stay,
Isaac figured he'd better Max out the team credit card
for whatever cash he could get. But Fernandez Hernandez was one step ahead.
- Guy, give it up. - Let me run it a few more times.
You know these magnetic strips, they get messed up.
"The magnetic strips get messed up,"
"my aid check is coming next week," "western union messed up my money-gram."
See what all these stories have in common? Me not caring.
But my story's believable. A pro athlete gave me $10,000
for making his ass feel good.
I'm just gonna go back to swiping.
Calvin: While Isaac was in the middle of a financial crisis,
I got a call to handle a Jen crisis, which happened to be
- the first time I'd been to her bed and breakfast. - Hey hey hey!
What the hell is going... Damn, this is a slick lobby!
- Is that a baccarat chandelier? - It is.
I didn't call you for a tour. I called you to get hectic with an unruly visitor.
- Jan, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. - What?
- Not my sister for once. - Oh. What's going on?
You're about to see some ass-whooping, that's what.
The gentleman is being rude to our staff of two
and disturbing other guests at our otherwise quiet urban bed and breakfast.
I'm here for a reason. I'm looking for a woman!
It's not that type of hotel, bro. Is it?
My wife! I'm trying to find her!
And you're yelling at my wife, so you see how that can be a problem.
- Oh, it'll be a problem when I go at that ass! - You are all hiding my wife!
No one hides here, sir. If anything,
our customers boast about the amenities
and the excellent customer service we provide on a daily basis.
In fact, word of mouth is our best advertising.
I think what these ladies are trying to say through shameless self-promotion
- and threats of violence is that you made a mistake. - I'll be back!
And I'll be back to get that ass!
- Well, I handled that. - Yes, your uncanny ability
to repeatedly threaten the man's ass has once again saved the day.
If you want to be a help, would you please go fluff the Egyptian cotton towels?
Unbelievable! You guys have Egyptian cotton towels?
And this guy walking in here just causing problems for no reason!
- Actually, Calvin, I need to talk with you. - Aw, shit.
Yinka, damn! You got another man's wife hidden away?
I can't believe... Is that a dux bed?
Jen really knows how to hook up a room!
Yes! And yes. You might want to sit down.
You have taken nonsense to a whole other level.
Me sitting down is not gonna change... whoa!
That is comfortable. Are pillow tops standard with every room?
- This may take a moment to explain. - Take your time.
To the point, Vivian was going to be
unjustly punished for a crime upon her return to Nigeria.
- I couldn't let this happen. - So you hide her in a bed and breakfast. Good plan.
This was your idea! You told me to be proactive and to stand up
and fight for what's right like Jesus and Malcolm X.
This is a perfect example of the nuances in language.
Remember that English class that I told you to take? That would help you understand
I was speaking in a metaphor. If you know hyperbole, I would only assume
you know metaphor too. My metaphors are very, way mucho grande hyperbolic.
All too often I mock Americans for what I consider to be
the ills of your society, and then at times I'm reminded
that mine is no better. As you say...
Black people have to stand up and do what's right,
no matter what the cost. This is not hyperbole.
This is a call to arms.
I really gotta limit my conversation
to the weather and sports news.
Are my eyes deceiving me, or are those l'occitane soaps and lotions in the bathroom?
25, 26, $27,
and this 10 makes $37.
- What about that check that Eddie wrote? - It's not a check.
It's a coupon for 50% off at popeye's fried chicken.
We're in serious trouble, Jimmy. Are you sure
alderman ray didn't have any, oh, unreported income set aside
- that we could tap into? - There is no other money.
Maybe you can get an endorsement. It's the only way.
Is there anyone you know with some type of clout
that you can ask a favor from
no matter how much it may cost you personally?
Harold Washington was like a father to me,
and all of black Chicago loves Harold Washington.
So in a way, all of black Chicago loves me.
Aw, shit.
Detective hahana, what's up?
Calvin, I'm looking for romadal.
He's not in yet. In fact, he's about 90 minutes late.
He had a hearing this morning he didn't show up for.
- We think he's on the run. - I hope to god you're kidding.
Driving around in a police car, cracking jokes on the city's dime?
Why don't I just rip up the constitution while I'm at it?
She's not kidding. She's not kidding as much as possible.
If romadal's on the run, I forfeit my bail money.
I put up my business as collateral. The bank could take my shop.
You can't trust criminals. I've heard it all before.
"If you give me a break, I'll go straight,"
"give me another chance, I'll never do it again,"
"stop, your chokehold is making me pass out."
Lies, all lies.
I'm heading up a fugitive warrant squad to look for romadal.
We're talking about my shop. To hell with police procedure.
We need vigilante justice. Terri, all your angry bitter
can't-get-a-man girlfriends, get them on the phone. Time to get a man.
Eddie, go over to target. Buy a bowl of tiki torches.
Look, I just want you to relax, all right?
I'm gonna find romadal, and you can be damn sure, I will get him.
- Dead or alive. - Does either one of those affect my money?
Calvin: Later that day, while detective hahana
was out looking for romadal, Isaac was looking
for a safe place to stay.
Hey, Mr. Big!
I'm having a house party.
You can introduce shush finger to fuck you finger.
Oh, look at that. It's a double date.
Terri, I was an ass to everybody.
I know it.
I always wanted to make some dough and be somebody,
and the minute I did it went straight to my head. I'm sorry,
but I got no money. I got no place to go.
I'm sorry too. You can't stay here.
You know what hurt the most? All of us at the shop
care about you so much, and the way that you treated us...
- and I love you, and... - I know that, because I feel like sh...
Calvin: And right then, Isaac realized
success is nothing if you don't have someone to share it with.
So what happened to you?
Calvin: And right then, Isaac fucked everything up.
I accidentally had sex with Fernandez's wife.
Explain to me how you accidentally freak somebody's wife,
'cause Terri Jones has had a pussy for a lot of years.
I don't think it's ever accidentally hopped onto some dude's dick
and start fucking it. Except almost now with you, but that's not gonna happen.
Can we talk about this inside? I think Fernandez is following me.
So we can have another accident? The guy you punk
can come in and accidentally kill me trying to get to you? Terri Jones doesn't
accidentally get killed for somebody else paying for their sins!
So you can take your accident-prone dick off my doorstep and keep moving.
- Terri, i... - one more thing. When I said I loved you,
that was an accident too.
Calvin: Right when things look real bad,
that's when you get hit with a little bit of hope.
I got a call from the cops that detective hahana had found romadal.
Lieutenant pasternak? Calvin Palmer. I got a call
- that detective hahana found romadal. - Well, yes.
She found him? Hell yeah! She got her man.
- Well, no. - No?
Yeah, that's right! I had sex with a fugitive!
And you know what? I love him!
I love romadal dupree
and I'll never turn him in! Never!
I love you, rommie!
Call me.
Aw, shit.
♪ Everybody's talking at me ♪
♪ I don't hear a word they're saying ♪
♪ only the echoes of my mind ♪
♪ Everybody's talking at me ♪
♪ I don't hear a word they're saying ♪
♪ only the echoes... ♪
Calvin: Aw, shit.