Calvin: You ever have one of those days?
Do not eat the food!
The one time I pay for the eggs.
Calvin: For me, today was one of those days.
Of course, it didn't start out completely insane.
It started out relatively normal... With me in jail.
It's love. That's all there is to it...
Love love love.
You're a cop. You went to arrest a guy, you fall for him and let him go?
You were supposed to arrest romadal for jumping bail.
- Calvin, letting rommy go... - Excuse me. I can't hear you.
Sorry. Look, it's a long story. Long and complicated,
with many twists and turns.
Let me try and explain it to you.
That's your long and complicated story? You find him, you fuck him?
What's complicated is my life has always been about rules and regulations,
and now I finally found a man who has freed me of all of that.
Woman, you're in jail. The only thing he's freed you of is your freedom.
If I don't get him in front of a judge,
I can lose my shop and my wife.
I haven't told her I put the shop up as collateral for romadal's bail.
It's sad the two of you don't have a more honest relationship.
I'd feel bad for me, except I'm not the one wearing an orange jumpsuit,
and when we're done talking, I get to go home.
I'm sorry, Calvin. I can't turn rommy in.
- I'm having his baby. - You just had sex with the guy.
There's no way you can find out if you're pregnant already.
No, I don't mean I'm having his baby right now.
I'm gonna have rommy's baby when I get out of here
in 5 to 15 years, and with time off for good behavior in 2012,
I'm gonna be a mommy.
On behalf of the department,
I apologize for detective hahana.
It's not your fault, lieutenant, but i'm desperate.
You guys don't find romadal, I'm gonna lose my shop.
- All we can do is pray. - Yeah, I guess.
No, I'm serious. Right now let's pray. Let's get Jesus on the case.
Calvin: What I was just coming to find out,
not only was lieutenant pasternak one of Chicago's finest,
he was also the founder of the department's
evangelic crimes unit... Cops for Christ.
Hands up in the name of the lord!
I'm not sure i'm comfortable praying for romadal's arrest.
I was hoping police work and paying off informants would do the job.
Sure, let's leave it up to deduction or science
or some other kind of pagan ritual.
I'm sorry that my spiritual beliefs
in a just, loving Christian god and intelligent design
is somehow interfering with your secular lifestyle.
You know what? Let's go ahead and pray.
Let's ask god to take some time off from trying to feed the hungry
and see if he can't drop a dime on romadal.
That's the holy spirit.
( Church organ playing )
Amen. Now don't you feel better
knowing we have god on our side?
Is god gonna allow for that additional 30 minute head start
- you've just given romadal? - Let's pray and find out.
- Isaac? - I'm not sleeping in a public place, officer.
I'm just resting my eyes, or is that against the law now, too?
- Isaac, it's Terri. - Whoa! Hey, Terri.
Calvin: Isaac, too, was having one of those days.
Isaac had had sex with the wife of Fernandez Hernandez,
a big league ballplayer he'd been injecting with steroids.
Fernandez Hernandez found out about the sex.
Isaac, I wish there was something I could do.
Now Isaac couldn't go home for fear of being a victim of 'roid rage.
- What's going on, girl? - What's going on with you, sleeping in an alley?
I'm not sleeping in an alley. I'm just kicking it with my homies.
You tell Joe Frazier quit trying to get up in my ass!
He had a bad experience involving ESPN.
He had a bad experience involving the crystal meth channel.
Isaac, if you need help, you can stay with me.
I tried that. I came to you for help,
and you turned your back on me.
Look at me. Look at what I've become.
- It's because of you. - Isaac, you came to me for help 28 minutes ago.
It's not the length of the fall. It's how hard you hit.
Come on. We're gonna get you cleaned up.
And we're gonna burn these clothes.
Damn, when you fall off, it's like your parachute didn't open.
Calvin: Jimmy James was running for alderman.
Jimmy James was losing the election to a dead guy.
So Jimmy James went to Eddie Walker for help.
See Eddie was like a surrogate son
of the late, beloved Chicago mayor Harold Washington.
Most urban Chicago homes had two pictures on the wall...
One of Jesus and one of Harold Washington.
And Harold was usually hung slightly higher than Jesus.
So if Jimmy was gonna have a chance in hell of winning the election,
he was gonna need Eddie's help.
I have to admit, when you first told me mayor Harold Washington
hadn't died from a heart attack,
but had been poisoned by city employees who had been brainwashed
for reasons that you can't explain, I was a bit skeptical.
- Why? - Yeah, why?
If a similar attempt could be made
on Ukrainian president Viktor yushchenko,
why not Harold Washington?
Unless you think white, European diplomats
are the only ones worthy of dioxin poisoning?
You goddamn self-hating black.
- Church. - Exactly.
But I think your very reasonable
brainwashed city employees food poisoning theory deserves investigation.
- The man is always perpetrating. - Isn't he, though?
But I can only investigate that from a position of power,
say, alderman from this ward. But I need your support
at my rally tonight as the surrogate son of Harold Washington.
Well, if you got the guts to speak the truth,
I'll stand by your side, and I'll tell the world to vote for you.
Because you'll tell the world Harold Washington was poisoned.
Right, but see, there are all kind of people out there
who don't want the truth to be known
and would do just about anything to stop us.
So instead of being too obvious with our intentions,
maybe you should just stand there next to me and say,
"Harold would want this"
and give a thumbs up.
And after investigating Harold's murder,
maybe we should expose how crack and aids were put into the ghetto
by the c.I.A. To bring down the black race.
Sure, but first, "Harold would want this."
- Thumbs up. - Harold would want this.
Thumbs up. Thumbs up.
Thumbs up.
Calvin: Meanwhile, much like me with romadal,
my wife Jen was having some fugitive problems of her own.
Yinka had fallen in love with a married woman
who was supposed to be stoned to death
in her home country of Nigeria for disrespecting her husband.
Yinka wasn't about to let that happen,
and hid the woman out in the b&b.
I tried calling various humanitarian organizations
to tell them Vivian's rights were being abused,
but when they found out we offer 24-hour room service
and godiva chocolates on the pillows they just laughed.
Although amnesty international might book their spring retreat here.
Damn tree-hugging liberals, they're nothing but fucking talk.
Dana, if you don't mind, I'm not trying to hear that.
- I'm trying to listen to my wife. - Sorry.
I have to do something. Those two can't hide out up there forever.
- So kick 'em out. - So they can drag Vivian back to Nigeria to have her killed.
Dana: If I ever need sanctuary, remind me not to hide out in the barbershop.
- She's blind. She has very acute hearing. - This is so bad.
Dana: It's okay. I'm learning to live with it.
I am talking to my wife. If you want to help out,
why don't you cock your super ears to the wind
and see if you hear romadal out there calling somebody bitch?
Why don't you just get to "I told you so"?
You knew I would mess up the business and I did.
Baby, you can't feel bad. Running a business is hard.
Wow, you just went right for it.
No, I said not to feel bad because things played out the way I expected.
- Sounds like "I told you so" to me. - Will you butt your ears out?
I can't believe you. I try to make something that's mine.
You don't even bother to come down here until there's a disaster
that you can snicker at quietly to yourself.
You know what would have been really nice? Just a little support.
You used to say that I was your rock.
Well, where's my fucking rock, Calvin?
- Oh, um... - Oh, I'm sorry. I just took a shower
and you didn't have any clothes that fit me.
So I did 138 push-ups to warm up.
But I started to overheat, so I just rubbed some baby oil all over myself.
I guess I'll just hang out like this for a little while.
Actually, it's okay for you to go home. I took care of Fernandez.
You took care of it? Fernandez is a 'roided out athlete.
Your ass is bad, but it ain't that bad.
Actually, Terri hadn't gotten physical with Fernandez Hernandez.
She'd gotten clever with him, dropping something off
in Hernandez's place before making an anonymous call to the cops.
What's the big deal? So I do a few steroids.
We're not here about steroids.
- Smells like b.C. Spice. - With some pseudoephedrine.
Fernandez, Fernandez, Fernandez.
Wish there was something I could do.
I had that half-pound of romadal's weed,
so I thought i'd put it to good use.
- I thought you broke off a pound of romadal's weed. - What the hell?
I throw you a favor, you can't show me any trust?
All right, I kept half a pound. It was good stuff.
Anyway, it's safe for you to go home.
Okay.
I guess I'll just grab my clothes and go.
We're gonna have sex, aren't we?
It'd be a shame to waste all this baby oil.
Well, you're gonna need to wear a condom.
A condom with spermicide, and I need to put in an I.U.D.,
diaphragm, sponge, cervical cap, and I need to take a pill
and a morning after pill and a sugar pill because it has a placebo effect.
I hope you brought your earthquake kit, 'cause i'm about to rock your world.
This is not a joke. Terri Jones' shit is pure.
If you use all that stuff, your shit might be more pure.
This is your first time. It's supposed to be special.
I'm so scared.
I don't want you to be afraid.
I want you to feel like this is good, and this is right.
I want you to know that you are special...
And I love you.
♪ The cold brings winter ♪
♪ then along comes spring ♪
♪ then along comes summer ♪
♪ but in Autumn, things change ♪
♪ in Autumn, things change... ♪
Your husband's still there. I can't believe
they're going to stone you for disrespecting someone who treats you so horribly.
No, I'm not to be stoned for disrespecting him.
I'm to be stoned for disrespecting my first husband.
First husband?
- How did you disrespect him? - I killed him.
Killed him? By accident.
- It was very much on purpose. - In self-defense?
I stabbed him in the head 37 times, then once in the gut
- to clean off the knife. - Because he had been abusing you.
Because he'd been asking me so many fucking questions.
Now just stand there while I finish making snacks.
I'm sorry. What are you cooking?
- Stop asking fucking questions! - What questions? Oh, shit.
Can I go? Oh, fuck.
Then she asked me where's her fucking rock.
- Jen said... - Jen said the f-word.
Then she picked up a Boulder of "Calvin didn't help out
and Calvin didn't support," and she crushed me with it.
I'm sure you wanted to be there for her.
What I wanted was my wife back so bad
that I forgot that Jen's a person and she might have a couple of hopes
and dreams and she could use some help getting to them.
But I tell you what. If god ever gives me another chance to help Jen,
you better damn well believe I'm gonna be there for her.
What up, Cal? Looking for a hookup.
Malcolm, I got issues on top of issues. I don't need you adding to them.
I'm not trying to get hooked up.
I'm looking to hook you up with romadal.
You know where romadal's hiding out?
For damn sure. The last place anybody'd be looking for a brother.
This is definitely about the last place I'd look for you.
Aren't you afraid someone's going to spot you?
These people can't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
How they gonna find one more nigger in Chicago? So how you been, bro?
Surprisingly good for a guy who's about to lose his shop
because a guy he helped out skipped bail. But thanks for asking.
Dawg, up until I met you and everybody at the shop,
I didn't think nothing about spending time on the other side.
How am I gonna go back up in the joint now
after you show me what it's like to have real friends and family?
Once I've tasted the delicious chill of ice cold gazpacho?
I didn't even know real love till I met detective hahana.
- She says hey, by the way. - Tell her I said what up.
I was hoping you could tell her what up on your next conjugal visit.
- I'm gonna need you to turn yourself in. - I can't, man.
I can't face life back on the inside.
I ain't never know fear until I had something to lose.
It's the first time in my life I'm scared.
I know I put you in a bad spot,
so if you want to turn me in, I ain't gonna stop you.
- Shit. - Excuse me.
I just wanted to remind you to vote for Jimmy James
- in tomorrow's election. - Thanks.
But I already know all about Jimmy James.
For real, I think you ought to take a chance with the courts.
Look at o.J., Kobe, Jayson Williams, Michael j.
The pendulum's all swung and shit.
What's a brother gotta go to get himself convicted?
I think it's the man's damn conspiracy
- to take away a brother's ability to get street cred. - The man be perpetrating.
This shit be making me so mad I be wanting to kill somebody,
but then I would just end up back on the streets,
- so it's like, what the fuck good would that do? - Exactly.
Did you know Jimmy James supports after school programs for inner city kids
and wants to increase the liquor tax to help pay for drug and alcohol counseling?
And he wants to reintroduce the light rail to both assist low income breadwinners
on their commute to work as well as decrease city traffic
and its associated pollution.
Dawg, I been up in here for a minute, man.
Shit be rubbing off on a nigger.
All this time I thought I knew Jimmy, and I really didn't know him at all.
He actually wants to help people.
If I can help him get elected, he can do me a secret
insider cronyistic favor and help me save my shop.
If y'all excuse me,
I've got an election to influence.
Calvin: Meanwhile, Jen was getting creative with trying to help Vivian.
Yes, I would love to get off your back and call bono.
- But I don't have his f-ing number. - ( Dial tone )
Hello, hello.
I've tried habitat for humanity,
red cross, rights watch. Nobody wants to touch this.
Hell with them. We need Oprah. It's right up her alley.
An abused woman, a man to hate
and it probably happened to her.
All we gotta do is slap on a Maya angelou poem
and we got an hour of fucking hugs and tears.
I think the best thing to do is declare this building a house of worship,
which carries with it implied sanctity recognized the world over.
What, urban, urbane? They're not mutually exclusive.
Now who do you know who's ordained?
So how do you feel?
Even though it's no longer pure,
my shit has never felt better.
Sex between two people with three or four levels
of redundant fail-safe contraceptives is a wonderful thing.
- Let's do it again. - How about let's call it a day?
What? That's how it is?
You just have sex with me and then you toss me aside?
- Typical virgin pussy hunter behavior. - Sweetie,
you gave me the best loving that I ever had.
You're like the damn energizer bunny.
You just kept coming and coming and coming.
But you have to understand, you been saving up for 23 years.
I just fucked a woman three hours ago,
before I knew how much I loved you.
I am spent. Let's just lay here and dig on each other.
Being with someone isn't all about just the physical.
When you're in a relationship
- you can have sex or just chill with somebody? - Yeah.
Why isn't everybody in love?
Calvin: Meanwhile, Vivian's husband
was stepping things up trying to get his wife back.
My wife is being hidden away. Do something!
I notice you're wearing clothes that are odd-looking.
Exactly what religion do you practice?
I'm trying to take my wife home
where she will get the stoning death she deserves.
Stoning? Well that certainly sounds biblical.
I'll look into this.
Calvin: A group of local city employees
had been running a bunch of real nasty anti-Jimmy ads.
Basically, they were killing him in the election.
Man: Jimmy James... wrong for the people.
Wrong for this ward.
Calvin: If I wanted a shot in hell at getting Jimmy into office
I had to talk those workers into backing him.
Jimmy James.
I'd have an easier time negotiating peace in the middle east.
Okay, I see there might be some strong opinions regarding Jimmy.
- Jimmy James is an ass. - That's good.
- Instead of holding that in, let's get our feelings out. - ( Overlapping complaints )
We may want to dial those feelings back a bit.
Yo, Jimmy James is a straight-up stooge sell-out punk for the man.
- He can kiss my ass. - I thought you were coming along to help.
You're for Jimmy?
Oh shit, my bad. Yo, Jimmy James,
he's getting all four of my votes.
I know at times Jimmy can be a punk.
He's a rude jerk. He's a straight-up stooge for the man.
Are you for Jimmy? Or are you against him?
'Cause you got four real confused swing voters over here.
What I'm saying is, Jimmy James may be rough,
but he's rough enough to fight for you at city hall.
He's an asshole, but he's your asshole.
- Jeez, he's not that bad. - What'd he ever do to you?
The way you talk about him, I'd vote for him out of sympathy.
- ( Murmurs of agreement ) - Really?
Well, he's an asshole cock-sucking motherfucking son of a bitch.
Now let's get over to his rally for support.
- So, I was... - Is that a question?!
I was stating my interest in what you're cooking.
I'm not cooking. I'm making some spiritual incense
that will lift us to a sacred place on the wings of love
while freshening and deodorizing. It will also smite all of our enemies.
Then, when we are done smiting, if you are still hungry
we can go to red lobster.
I'm starting to think you might be a little crazy.
You don't know how tired I am
of hearing people say that.
Calvin: Fortunately for yinka, the cops were just about
- to raid the bed & breakfast. - ( Sirens blaring )
Unfortunately for yinka,
Jen had finally figured out a way to stop them.
Get thee behind me, Satan.
Blasphemers shall not set foot in the house of the lord.
Why are you standing here?
It is just a ridiculous puppet!
Wait a second, Mr. Jesus-hater.
I think you need to hear the word of the lord
as delivered from the mouth of this little wooden prophet.
Preach, puppet, preach.
Jimmy, the word is out.
The donations are rolling in and your approval rating is up.
And when Eddie gives you his blessings
you might have a shot at winning this election.
- Thanks to all your help. - Oh, thank you.
And I was starting to think
there weren't any good men left in politics.
Friends, tomorrow's the day.
Election day. It's a tough choice who to vote for, I know.
So let me introduce you to a man
who I hope will make that decision a little easier.
A man, who for decades
has been a part of the very fabric of this community.
A man who I affectionately call
Harold Washington's surrogate favorite non-biological son...
Eddie Walker!
Calvin: Kind of a weird thing watching Eddie and Jimmy together...
The past and the future colliding.
And the thing that was really tripping me out...
Both of them had been part of the barbershop.
Maybe it seemed like all we did at the shop was cut hair,
but we were also the center of the urban universe.
And that was about to change the city.
It would've, except for one thing.
Those city employees I brought around.
It's happening again.
( Softly ) Just go on, say it.
- Say what? - That thing that you wanted to mention to the people
about how Harold would want this?
Harold? Harold wouldn't want this!
No, Harold wouldn't want any part of this!
No, nobody in their right mind would want any part of this!
He's just... he's just a little...
Low blood sugar. You know, just...
Somebody get this brother a plate of food!
- Here you go. - ( Shouts )
Poisoned food! That's what you're trying to feed me!
Don't you try to feed me!
You are part of the man's conspiracy! Don't eat the food!
Please, for the love of god!
- Don't eat the food! - ( Shrieks )
Put your plates down and run!
Eat the food. Eat!
( Crowd clamoring )
The one time I pay for the eggs!
You can eat the food, come on...
( Cheering )
- What's all this? - It's a congratulations
- on your run for office. - I lost.
- I'm gonna lose. - Terri: You tried.
People are always going on about how to make things better.
All they do is talk. You didn't just talk. You got involved.
Isaac: I'll tell you what's impressive.
If I got my ass kicked by a bucket of ash, I'd be near suicidal,
but there you are, just sitting there.
I'm sorry I freaked out on you.
I actually ended up having three or four helpings of Turkey tetrazzini.
Now, if it was poisoned,
it was poisoned with deliciousness.
It's not your fault. If some idiot
hadn't brought all those city employees to my rally.
I blame the man.
Calvin: He is always perpetrating.
What you should know, is that we're proud of you.
And the next time you need our support,
we're not gonna wait till the last minute.
I'm there for you. I got your back no matter what.
- That's a promise, all right? - All right.
You stood against the odds.
And you tried to do right.
And you showed that you care about people.
Jimmy.
Not yet, I haven't. Excuse me.
God, help this heathen see the light. Speak through me, lord.
The lord doesn't speak through you. I speak through you.
Shut up, you atheist blasphemer.
If there's a god, prove it. I'm gonna take my hand out your ass
and let's see you talk on your own.
Go, puppet. Speak the word of the lord.
Show this non-believer the truth!
My god, there is no god.
Storm the place!
( Officers yell )
( Screams )
For god's sake, please take off your shoes!
Fuck the police!
Yinka, are you ready to fly away with me
on the wings of incense?
I'll be right there, my love.
Angry cops with guns and an insane woman,
or three-story drop.
I'm jumping.
( Yells )
( Both grunt )
I know Joe Frazier was trying to get up in my ass!
Who's crazy now?
Don't move!
- ( Coughing ) - It's the virgin Mary
- and she's black. - It's supposed to deodorize.
Oh my god, am I fucked up.
Hey, look who it is.
The guy who lost an election to an urn.
- ( Chuckles ) - My bad.
I was just about to throw out your next opponent.
( Both laugh )
This is a check I've made out
to the municipal employees pension fund
to thank you for all you do for the city.
Hey, Jimmy.
You collect trash for a living.
Shake my hand, you'd just get dirty.
Must the ironic ones always suffer so?
This is the condom I gave you before we had sex.
- It's not open. You didn't use it? - Why bother?
I thought the thing would melt with all the chemicals you put in your coochie.
- You used spermicide... - the spermicide was past the expiration date.
- I didn't think I'd use it. I didn't restock. - You had a sponge.
I used the sponge to clean up.
I mean, I just kept coming and coming and coming.
I hope your doctor did a good job fitting the diaphragm.
They have to be fitted?
Okay, come on, what are the odds of you getting pregnant?
Five to one. I had an actuarial table drawn up for this kind of mishap.
Five to one?
- How many times did we have sex? - Eight?
Hey, where'd you run off to?
- Just something I had to do. - Yeah?
I'm proud of you.
The way you handled this campaign,
how hard you worked.
I don't know what it is about you.
You lost the election, but you're not a loser.
- You know why? - Hm?
'Cause for the first time in my life I did an unselfish thing.
- Yeah? - All the contributions I had left over
- mm-hmm? - I took it and gave it to the city employees.
You gave them money.
I sure did. And you know what?
I feel like I'm finally starting to deserve
all the good things that have happened to me,
up to and including sex with you.
- So let's get it on. - Put your hands behind your back.
- Hell, yeah! - Get in here. I need backup.
I knew your ass was a freak! Ooh-hoo!
Girl, you brought your own toys?!
Shit.
And your own orgy. What's up?!
All right, let's just keep this boy-girl, boy-girl
for the first half-hour. Then we'll revisit things.
- You're under arrest. - I was just kidding about revisiting things.
That was just a little post-election loss humor.
- Oh, the jokes John kerry made! - Jimmy,
my name is not Veronica farwright.
I'm special agent Wade with the federal election commission
investigating corruption in city politics.
The rumor, that your old boss alderman ray
had an illegal slush fund.
I didn't think that you'd be dirty too.
Wait... no, I'm a republican!
- I am not a crook! - Funneling campaign contributions
to the union for their support?
You have disgraced both mccain and feingold,
and that is the rare crime
that cuts across both sides of the aisle.
- ( Stammers ) - Get him out of here.
It was a gift! The bitch set me up!
Calvin: So my question is:
"Have you ever had one of those days?"
I've had a hell of one.
And the end of it all, I'm looking at losing my shop.
I'd like to think... hell,
I know I'm a strong, black man,
but sometimes what makes you strong
is being strong enough to ask for help.
- You know what I'm saying? - I know what you're saying.
So I'm asking...
- I need your help. - You make it sound like you're climbing a mountain.
I'm your sister, Calvin. And I'm not even helping you. Not really.
The trust fund my mom...
Our dad set up is for you.
So if this money helps you keep the shop
until you figure out what to do about romadal
dad would've wanted it this way.
Calvin: So after all that nonsense, everything ended up cool.
I got the money to pay back the loan to save the shop.
And maybe that's the thing with bullshit...
Sometimes you forget that it's just bullshit.
And when things get hectic, you can't go crazy.
You just gotta sit down, chill
and know that if you use the smarts that god gave you,
- everything's gonna work out fine in the... - Jen: Calvin!
- Calvin! - What what what?
The police came. They raided the bed & breakfast.
Destroyed everything! They ran off all of our clients
it's gonna cost a fortune to get the place back together.
Meanwhile, we won't have any income, we'll default on our loan.
I'll lose the business.
Calvin, I need help.
( Softly ) Come here.
You ain't gonna believe what just happened to me.
- What? - I got arrested!
Arrested for doing something good!
And now I got to repay all this money to my election fund
or this judge is gonna send me to prison!
I can't go to a federal institution!
I'm scared to stand in line down at the dmv!
And then I remembered you said the next time I needed you
you'd be there for me no matter what.
Which is like a binding oral promise.
So you just gotta get me the money that's gonna keep me out of prison!
Both: What are you gonna do, Calvin?
♪ I been in the right place ♪
♪ but it must have been the wrong time ♪
♪ I'd have said the right things ♪
♪ but I must've used the wrong line ♪
♪ I been on the right trip ♪
♪ but I must have used the wrong car ♪
♪ head is in a bad place ♪
♪ and I wonder what it's good for ♪
♪ I been in the right place ♪
♪ but it must've been the wrong time ♪
♪ my head is in a bad place ♪
♪ but I'm having such a good time ♪
♪ I've been running, trying to get hung up in my mind ♪
- ♪ ooh! ♪ - Bum: Who's crazy now?