1 00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:19,249 OLDER TED: Kids, when you're single, all you're looking for is happily-ever-after, 2 00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,918 but only one of your stories can end that way. 3 00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:26,455 The rest end with someone getting hurt. This is one of those stories. 4 00:00:26,726 --> 00:00:30,093 - And it starts with a shirt. - A shirt? 5 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,185 Just listen. 6 00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:33,063 OLDER TED; Because none of this would have happened 7 00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:34,724 if it hadn't have been for that shirt, 8 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:38,898 (MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) 9 00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:41,530 - Nice shirt. - Right? Right? 10 00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:44,838 Look at those colors. Green and brown, together at last. 11 00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:48,107 - Hot top, bro. Is it new? - That's the crazy part. 12 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,843 I've had this shirt for, like, six years. Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all, 13 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:54,146 but now it's like my tastes have changed. 14 00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:56,620 - Booger. - Yes, hello, Barney. 15 00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:00,625 Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report. 16 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,127 Not some stupid word. "Booger." 17 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:07,497 - But I'm not doing it. I am a journalist. - What? Journalist? 18 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,296 You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. 19 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:14,066 Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. 20 00:01:14,174 --> 00:01:16,233 That's just things in a diaper. 21 00:01:16,709 --> 00:01:20,270 For your information, my boss is about to bump me up 22 00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:24,743 - to the City Hall beat. - City Hall. Miss Thing! 23 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:28,445 So I'm not gonna jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks. 24 00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:29,613 Of course not. 25 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:34,149 'Cause now you're saying "nipple" and it's $100. 26 00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:36,762 (WHISPERING) Step into my web. 27 00:01:39,365 --> 00:01:40,491 Whose bourbon is this? 28 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,431 I don't know. It was here when we sat down. 29 00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:46,767 The point is, I seem to like bourbon now. 30 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,534 I could have sworn I hated bourbon. 31 00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,632 First the shirt, now bourbon. 32 00:01:50,743 --> 00:01:53,473 I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right? 33 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:55,241 The movie I saw once and hated, 34 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:58,181 the city I'll never go back to 'cause it was raining the day I visited. 35 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:01,082 Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions. 36 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:03,587 You're finally gonna watch Goonies again. 37 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,621 "Sloth love Chunk." 38 00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:09,051 Not Goonies, Girls. 39 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:10,686 What if there's someone from my past 40 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,856 who I thought was wrong for me at the time, 41 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:17,062 when, in fact, she, like this shirt, is actually a perfect fit? 42 00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:20,936 Hold up. There are only two reasons to ever date a girl you've already dated. 43 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,701 Breast implants. 44 00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,268 This isn't a bad idea. 45 00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:27,972 Let's think. Ted's greatest hits. 46 00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:32,047 - What about that girl, Steph? - Steph. 47 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,316 Okay, this is difficult to say. 48 00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:37,321 Back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke, 49 00:02:37,423 --> 00:02:40,950 so I spent a month making adult films. 50 00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:45,761 Wow! Okay. How many did you make? 51 00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:47,057 175. 52 00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:54,038 Say what you will about the porn industry, they're hard workers. 53 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,836 What about that chick, Jackie? 54 00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,104 ...and my bathing suit had fallen completely off. 55 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,878 I know the feeling. Once, when I was 16, 56 00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:07,043 I was driving and I hit this hitchhiker. 57 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,116 Don't know what happened to him. Just kept driving. 58 00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:14,048 No. 59 00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:16,652 What about Natalie? 60 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,694 - Natalie! - Natalie! 61 00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:21,266 Who's Natalie? 62 00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:24,767 Natalie, I had so many fond memories of her, 63 00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,936 The tea candles on her dresser, 64 00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:30,167 The sock monkey collection on her bed, 65 00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:33,641 That one Belle and Sebastian song she always listened to, 66 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,741 Her smile, 67 00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:39,084 Man, I haven't seen her in, like, three years. 68 00:03:39,185 --> 00:03:40,345 Well, why did you guys break up? 69 00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:42,284 I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time. 70 00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:44,652 Course, now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad. 71 00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:46,952 Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think? 72 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,618 You dumped a porn star? 73 00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:52,125 Friendship over. 74 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:54,628 Friendship over! 75 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:57,270 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 76 00:03:57,470 --> 00:04:00,132 Come in. All right, get back to me then. 77 00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:03,235 - You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams? - Yes, I did. 78 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:07,040 I need you to cover a story. It's down at City Hall. 79 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,306 City Hall? Oh, my God. 80 00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:14,578 So next time you're passing City Hall, 81 00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:17,952 make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart. 82 00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:21,026 Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50, 83 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:24,585 but back when the stand first opened in 1955, 84 00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:26,995 you could get one for only a nipple. 85 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:30,934 Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1. 86 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:34,173 I said "nipple" on the news. That was so unprofessional. 87 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,242 I said "nipple" on the news. 88 00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,367 At least it's better than "booger." 89 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,541 Booger. 90 00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:43,946 There she is. 91 00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:47,652 Hey, is it cold in here? 'Cause I can kind of see Robin's nickels. 92 00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:52,250 Now, for your next challenge. 93 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:55,589 There is not going to be another challenge. I don't care how much you offer me. 94 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,095 Oh, search your soul, Robin. 95 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,096 You and I both know this wasn't about the money. 96 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:02,793 Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack. 97 00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:07,703 And, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me, and Mr. McGee. 98 00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:09,736 Seriously, who talks like that? 99 00:05:10,176 --> 00:05:13,339 What baby really likes is the thrill of pulling one over 100 00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:16,244 on those bean counters who under-appreciate you 101 00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,281 and still haven't promoted you. 102 00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:22,748 And, so, for two more hundy-sticks, baby's gonna look in the camera 103 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,481 and say this. 104 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:26,659 (EXCLAIMS) 105 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,159 I'm just assuming. 106 00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:31,796 I gotta get back to work. 107 00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:33,893 - See you. - Bye. 108 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,862 Baby's gonna think about it. 109 00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:41,599 Found it. I found Natalie's number. 110 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,609 Hey, Ted, nice shirt. Is it yesterday already? 111 00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:46,604 Thank you. 112 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:51,082 I am calling her. This is crazy. I haven't talked to her in, like, three years. 113 00:05:51,784 --> 00:05:53,376 I wonder if she even remembers me. 114 00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:54,952 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 115 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,983 - Hello? - Natalie. 116 00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:01,225 - It's Ted Mosby. - Go to hell! 117 00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:06,890 She remembers me. 118 00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:14,429 - Why would Natalie hang up on you? - I don't know. 119 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,974 - Did you sleep with her sister? - No. 120 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,101 - Did you sleep with her mom? - No. 121 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,474 I'm losing interest in your story. 122 00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:25,546 Well, you must have done something. Why did you guys break up? 123 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,682 He wasn't ready for a commitment. 124 00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:32,216 And her birthday might have been coming up. 125 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,853 Okay, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend-level gift 126 00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,793 for a girl I was just about to break up with. 127 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,956 So you dumped her right before her birthday? 128 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:43,331 No! I didn't dump her right before her birthday. 129 00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:49,839 Natalie! Hey, happy birthday! 130 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,336 Listen... 131 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:55,539 Never break up with a girl on her birthday! 132 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:59,175 Lily, please! The shirt! I know! It was a mistake. 133 00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:02,544 - Well, did she cry her eyes out? - I don't know. 134 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:03,847 How do you not... 135 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,282 You didn't. 136 00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:10,088 Natalie! Hey, happy birthday! 137 00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:12,722 Listen, 138 00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:16,331 you're awesome. 139 00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:19,500 You really are awesome. 140 00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:22,064 I'm just, like, super busy right now, 141 00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:25,941 so maybe we should just call it a day. 142 00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:29,105 But you're awesome. 143 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,883 - On her answering machine! - Okay. 144 00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:33,884 - And on her birthday! - Lily, come on. 145 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,389 Who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine 146 00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:40,425 - on their birthday? - Yeah, dude, e-mail. 147 00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:44,053 Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall. 148 00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:46,895 That is a terrible way to break up with someone. 149 00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:48,762 Okay, in my client's defense, 150 00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:51,666 is there an un-terrible way to break up with somebody? No. 151 00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:54,567 Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine 152 00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:58,110 than face the humiliation in person. It's the least painful way you can do it. 153 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,538 - Who are you calling? - Hi, Marshall, it's Lily. 154 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:02,773 We're not gonna have sex for at least a month, 155 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,975 but you're awesome. Okay, bye-bye. 156 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:09,178 No, that was a big mistake, Ted. You should have done it in person. 157 00:08:09,288 --> 00:08:10,346 Thank you. 158 00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:13,584 Desperate, please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing. 159 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,462 Okay, it was childish and stupid. I just... I didn't want to see her cry. 160 00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:21,065 Well, guess what? She cried. 161 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,859 You just didn't have the sack to face those tears. 162 00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:25,528 That was me then, okay? 163 00:08:25,638 --> 00:08:28,732 This is the new, old-shirt-wearing, sack-having Ted. 164 00:08:28,941 --> 00:08:30,738 - I'm gonna make this right. - You know what else? 165 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:33,937 "My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn 30" sex. 166 00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:35,604 Fantastic! 167 00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:40,910 An occasion that was supposed to be joyous suddenly turned tragic 168 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,683 when Ethel and Sadie Margolis, New York's oldest twins, 169 00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:49,250 suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their 100th birthday. 170 00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:52,026 I'm a dirty, dirty girl. 171 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:57,634 Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1. 172 00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:03,602 Joel Adams wants to see you in his office. 173 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:10,111 Before you say anything, I just wanna say I really like working here at Metro News 1. 174 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:13,481 That's great. So my dog keeps going... 175 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:15,053 (GRUNTING) 176 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,524 What? 177 00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:21,422 What? Well, you have dogs, right? What do you think that means? 178 00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:22,789 Take him to the vet. 179 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,021 (SCOFFS) 180 00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:26,721 Genius. That's one I owe you. 181 00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:29,228 - Was that all? - Yeah. 182 00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,473 - And nothing about the twins story? - Oh, yeah. Great job on that one. 183 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,566 New York loves you. You're a superstar. Bye-bye. 184 00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:41,106 That's when Robin realized 185 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:44,614 no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News 1, 186 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:46,681 (DOORBELL RINGS) 187 00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,019 Hi. 188 00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:02,400 Natalie, come on. I just wanna say I'm sorry. 189 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,832 I only came down here 'cause you wouldn't take my call. 190 00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,963 Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you leave a message? 191 00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:10,331 (NERVOUS LAUGHING) 192 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,502 Good one. Okay, fine. 193 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,773 I'm just gonna leave this sock monkey here. 194 00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:16,845 Goodbye. 195 00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:25,418 Okay, okay. Look, look, look, I know you're mad, but 196 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,650 happy birthday, three years ago. 197 00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:31,252 Oh, yeah? Up yours, three years ago. 198 00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:34,363 Look, look, I was an idiot, leaving that message. 199 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,925 - I realize how much that sucked. - No, you don't. 200 00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:41,029 TED; Maybe we should just call it a day, 201 00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:44,275 But you're awesome, 202 00:10:45,911 --> 00:10:47,776 Okay, bye, 203 00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:51,341 Surprise. 204 00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:57,149 There was a surprise party that night? How come nobody told me? 205 00:10:57,356 --> 00:11:00,291 People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can. 206 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,325 Sorry. Not the issue. 207 00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:06,861 Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment. 208 00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:10,197 And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down? 209 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:14,004 Well, yeah, actually. I'm a different guy now. 210 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,108 Give me another chance. 211 00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:20,074 You must think I have absolutely no self-respect. 212 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,204 Come on. Just a cup of coffee. 213 00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:27,912 Please, Natalie, give the guy a chance. 214 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,088 Self-respect is overrated. 215 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,688 (BOTH GASPING) 216 00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:38,257 Wow! 217 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,729 Maybe it was the caffeine, 218 00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:43,131 but you really brought your game up to a whole new level. 219 00:11:43,235 --> 00:11:46,727 Thanks. I did just start subscribing to Esquire, 220 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,836 They have some helpful columns. 221 00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:52,775 The following is from the October issue. 222 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,514 OLDER TED; So Natalie and I started dating again, 223 00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:58,810 And, just like that, it all came back, 224 00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,317 The tea candles, 225 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,952 The sock monkeys, 226 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,454 Belle and Sebastian, All of it, 227 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:07,387 It seemed like happily-ever-after wasn't far off, 228 00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:10,994 Well, I better run. I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. 229 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:14,066 Krav Maga. How cool is it that she does Krav Maga? 230 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,195 Thanks, honey. 231 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:18,227 - Bye, guys. - Bye. 232 00:12:18,337 --> 00:12:19,304 - Bye. - Take it easy. 233 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,140 Dude, what's Krav Maga? 234 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,732 I have no idea. Some kind of yoga? 235 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,475 You know, that Natalie, she's good times. 236 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,445 Yeah, she's, like, the best girl you've dated in years. 237 00:12:29,548 --> 00:12:32,073 - Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one. - Yeah. 238 00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:34,243 I have to break up with her. 239 00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:41,223 I don't get it, man. Natalie's awesome. 240 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:44,490 I know. She's terrific, but I have to break up with her. 241 00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:49,062 Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone? 242 00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:50,897 I know. I hate this. 243 00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:53,665 These past three weeks have been great. I should be in love with her, 244 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,900 but I'm not feeling that thing. 245 00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:57,805 It's ineffable. 246 00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,071 Ineffable. Good word. 247 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,379 So when are you gonna do it? 248 00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:05,109 She's probably on the subway by now. You could call her voicemail. 249 00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:07,981 Beep. Dumped. Click. Done. 250 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:12,280 I have to do this face-to-face. I just... I don't know what I'm gonna say. 251 00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:15,519 - "I'm not ready for a commitment." - Oh, that's such a cliché. 252 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,858 It's not a cliché. It's a classic. 253 00:13:18,063 --> 00:13:20,554 It's the Stairway to Heaven of break-up lines. 254 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:23,768 - Well, I think Natalie deserves better. - Better. 255 00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:27,236 There's no "better" in breaking up. There's only less awful. 256 00:13:27,339 --> 00:13:30,672 A cliché is a cliché for a reason. It's comforting. 257 00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:33,939 It doesn't matter. I already told her I am ready for a commitment so... 258 00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:37,144 Oh, my God, there's no way out. I'm gonna have to marry her. 259 00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,877 No, no. We're gonna get you out of this. Okay. 260 00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:43,187 How about, "It's not you. It's me"? 261 00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,550 Six words. 262 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,149 "You look fat in those jeans." You're free to go. 263 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:52,621 Ted, have you considered telling her the truth? 264 00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,458 Seriously, honey, men are working here. 265 00:13:57,903 --> 00:14:01,066 Ted, what is the truth? Why do you wanna break up with her? 266 00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:03,571 The truth? She's not the one. 267 00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:07,276 - So tell her that. - Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible. 268 00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:10,075 Why? What is so horrible about that? 269 00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,877 Yeah, what is so horrible about that? She's not the one. 270 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:16,045 Why is that such a heart-breaking thing to hear? 271 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:18,749 The chances of one person being another person's "the one" 272 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,416 are, like, six billion-to-one. 273 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,960 Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery. 274 00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:26,088 Exactly. You wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery. 275 00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:29,599 All right, man, tell her the truth. She's gonna cry. 276 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,035 Yeah, and he's gonna sit there, and he's gonna take it like a man. 277 00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:36,232 - I have to do the mature thing. - Wanna talk mature? 278 00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:39,971 I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs. 279 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,173 And great TV was had by all. 280 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,845 All right, Scherbatsky, new challenge. 281 00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:50,046 And this one's big, but so is the cash reward. 282 00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:53,249 For $1,000... You heard me. 283 00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:56,692 All you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these. 284 00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,870 - What the hell is that? - ALL: The Ickey Shuffle. 285 00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,566 Then, as you do it, you say this, 286 00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:13,839 "Elbert 'Ickey' Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91. 287 00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,176 "Your 1,525 rushing yards 288 00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:18,546 "and your 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. 289 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:23,247 "So, Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse." 290 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,554 Just write it down for me. 291 00:15:27,326 --> 00:15:30,295 What do I care? It's not like anyone's watching anyway, right? 292 00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:34,696 And she's gonna cry. 293 00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,800 Sloth love Chunk. 294 00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:41,271 Thanks, Lil. 295 00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:44,939 So the next night, I took Natalie out to dinner 296 00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:46,602 to do the mature thing, 297 00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:49,506 Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say. 298 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,708 Oh, wait, wait. There's something I have to say first. 299 00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:56,413 Today at work I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes. 300 00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:59,013 So, tonight, can we just skip the cake? 301 00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:01,725 - Today is your birthday? - Yeah. 302 00:16:01,827 --> 00:16:03,727 No, it's okay. I wasn't telling anyone about it. 303 00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:05,694 Today is your birthday! 304 00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:12,364 - I didn't get you anything. - Oh, it's okay. 305 00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:15,936 You know, you've already given me the best present of all. 306 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,174 I can trust again. 307 00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:23,445 You're welcome. 308 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,752 Oh, so much more wine. 309 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,989 Henry, as New York's oldest hansom-cab driver, 310 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:42,260 you've seen quite a lot. 311 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:46,536 In your past 60 years on the job, what is your most exciting memory? 312 00:16:47,239 --> 00:16:48,706 Well... 313 00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:51,435 - This is it. - Oh, boy, here we go. 314 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:54,239 Everyone, everyone, if I may direct your attention to the television. 315 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,678 You are about to see something amazing. 316 00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:59,342 And then in '72, 317 00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:04,788 Mickey Mantle rode in my cab for the fourth time, 318 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:07,117 Come on, baby, bring it home. 319 00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:10,024 But the most exciting moment, 320 00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:13,829 that would have to be this one, right now, 321 00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:18,669 - What? - Look at me, I'm on TV, 322 00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:22,364 I never thought I'd have my story told, 323 00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:25,843 Thank you, Miss Robin Scherbatsky, 324 00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:27,671 Thank you, 325 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:31,910 OLDER TED; And, right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was, 326 00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,508 It's an honor to tell your story, Henry, 327 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:39,517 You know, Metro News 1 may not be number one in viewership, 328 00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,752 but this reporter takes pride in... 329 00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:43,054 (EXCLAIMS) 330 00:17:43,162 --> 00:17:46,325 ROBIN; Oh, my God, I'm covered in horse crap! 331 00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:48,857 And it's in my hair! 332 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:51,333 - You planned that? - My knee! 333 00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:55,236 No, Marshall. That was beyond my wildest dreams. 334 00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:59,434 So if you ever come to Alabama, 335 00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:02,309 my mom throws these huge crawfish boils, 336 00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,780 and she's just dying to meet you, by the way. 337 00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:06,578 Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say, 338 00:18:06,685 --> 00:18:08,516 and there's no good way to say it. 339 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,245 I wanna break up. 340 00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:14,225 I don't think you're the one for me. 341 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,020 I don't wanna waste your time, because I really like you. 342 00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:21,626 I wanna do right by you, and I think the best way for me to do that 343 00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:24,827 is just to be honest. I'm sorry. 344 00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:29,840 Just let it out. 345 00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:32,475 They're only tears. 346 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:37,273 (GRUNTS) 347 00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:39,742 I'm not the one for you! 348 00:18:40,252 --> 00:18:42,652 I'm sorry. I just... I thought the mature thing to do would be... 349 00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:45,154 - It's my birthday. - Yes, I know. I didn't realize that it was... 350 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:48,749 It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you? 351 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,694 It's really not such a big deal. I mean, it's the odds. 352 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,560 It's like you lost the lottery. 353 00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,863 Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery? 354 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:59,460 - No, no, no. I didn't mean that. - Okay, so what's the problem? 355 00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:02,667 - I can't explain it. - Try. 356 00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:06,642 - It's ineffable. - I'm not F-able? 357 00:19:07,279 --> 00:19:11,147 No, no, no, no, ineffable. "Ineffable" means it can't be explained. 358 00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:13,616 - Oh, so I'm stupid? - Oh, God, what's going on? 359 00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:16,916 Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart 360 00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:20,116 over my answering machine, on my birthday, 361 00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:22,853 waited three years for me to get over you, 362 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,156 tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, 363 00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:28,461 only so you could dump me three weeks later, 364 00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:30,660 again on my birthday! 365 00:19:30,769 --> 00:19:33,533 No, it's not like that. I'm just... 366 00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:35,573 - (STAMMERING) It's... - What? 367 00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,165 I'm just, like, super busy right now. 368 00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:40,878 OLDER TED; Remember when Natalie said... 369 00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:43,447 I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. 370 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,682 Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga, 371 00:19:46,785 --> 00:19:50,186 It's a form of guerrilla street-fighting developed by the Israeli army, 372 00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,117 (GRUNTING) 373 00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:55,227 This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar. 374 00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:58,492 This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar. 375 00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:03,023 - "My knee!" - "It's in my hair!" 376 00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,372 But isn't it nice to know people are watching? 377 00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:15,536 - Oh, my God! Are you all right? - What happened to you? 378 00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:17,609 Told the truth. 379 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,378 Turns out the truth has a mean roundhouse kick. 380 00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:22,179 Oh, man. 381 00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:24,983 Oh, well, you did the right thing. I'm proud of you. 382 00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:26,614 I'm bleeding internally. 383 00:20:27,092 --> 00:20:29,117 Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? 384 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,753 Other people's misfortune. You missed something so amazing. 385 00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:34,889 Please, can we just have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it? 386 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,399 Fine. 387 00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,368 Are you okay? 388 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:41,398 I really thought I was doing it the good way this time. 389 00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,404 I guess there is no good way. 390 00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:46,136 Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, 391 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:50,477 you just end up flat on your back, flailing around in a big pile of horse crap. 392 00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:53,881 - You saw it? - My phone gets the Internet now. 393 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,815 (BARNEY LAUGHING) 394 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,684 It's okay. 395 00:20:58,490 --> 00:21:00,549 And that's how it ended with Natalie, 396 00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:03,457 No happily-ever-after, Just a whole lot of hurt, 397 00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:07,157 And, just like that, all those wonderful memories were replaced 398 00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:08,763 by this one, 399 00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:12,860 But, you know, bad as that night was, within a year Natalie was married, 400 00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:15,370 And now she has three beautiful children, 401 00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:19,305 So that's the upside of hurt, Sometimes it happens for a reason, 402 00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:21,537 Wow. 403 00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:24,775 So you got beat up by a girl? 404 00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:27,281 Is that all you're taking away from this story? 405 00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:29,877 You got beat up by a girl. 406 00:21:30,522 --> 00:21:32,387 Hey, she knew Krav Maga.