1
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:16,010
Kids, before I met your mother,

2
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:19,518
when I was still out there searching,
I learned something valuable.

3
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,281
That love is not a science.

4
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,949
- Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
- We're gonna go watch TV.

5
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,424
You see, sometimes in life

6
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,155
you just have to accept
that certain things can't be explained,

7
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,128
and that's kind of scary.

8
00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:35,231
- Oh, my God.
- I know, I'm still shaking.

9
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,770
What the... Joke's on you. I have a cold.

10
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,503
Are you guys okay?

11
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,268
Another round,
and back it up for me and Lily!

12
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,501
What happened?

13
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:46,944
- We saw something, up in the apartment.
- Something bad.

14
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:55,246
I don't know what it is,
but margaritas make me sexy.

15
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:58,223
Oh, mucho sexy. Te quiero, Marshall.

16
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,653
Oh, my God!

17
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:09,127
What was it?

18
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:12,433
Only the craziest, meanest-looking mouse
you've ever seen.

19
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:17,341
Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.
That was a huge cockroach.

20
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,913
Baby, it was a mouse. It had whiskers.

21
00:01:20,014 --> 00:01:23,040
What, those things coming out
of his head? Those were antennae.

22
00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:26,779
- Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
- It was a mouse.

23
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:29,151
Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.

24
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:33,385
My story's on. Ted, pay attention.
Carl, turn it up.

25
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:34,654
I'm here with Ellen Pierce,

26
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,060
New York's premiere matchmaker,

27
00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:41,567
Ellen, your company "Love Solutions"
boasts a 100% success rate,

28
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,762
- What's your secret?
- Science,

29
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:48,503
Everything in life can be broken down
to ones and zeros, even love.

30
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:52,272
All I have to do is input
the variables, run the algorithm,

31
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:55,871
and presto manifesto,
you have a soul mate and it works!

32
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:59,511
Just ask all of my happy couples.

33
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,913
And these are just
the attractive ones.

34
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,887
I have more photos in the bathroom.

35
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,056
Love Solutions' Ellen Pierce.

36
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:09,652
A beacon of hope
for New York City's lovelorn.

37
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:10,923
Robin Scherbatsky...

38
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,498
Was that chick at the end really a client?

39
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,760
- Yes.
- We're signing up.

40
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:16,666
- What?
- Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.

41
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:20,228
That's a perfect cocktail.
Shake well, then sleep with.

42
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:24,336
I'm not going to a matchmaker.
That's like giving up.

43
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,709
It's the man version of getting a cat.

44
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,715
No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur.
And only mammals have fur.

45
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:31,910
It was a cockroach.

46
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,283
Come on, Lily.
The only way that that was a cockroach

47
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:37,516
is if it was wearing the skin
of a mouse it just killed.

48
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,491
Oh, my God!

49
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,028
Come on!

50
00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:56,704
Ted! Hurry!
You got to help me, my boat is sinking.

51
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,038
- What?
- My boat is sinking!

52
00:02:58,145 --> 00:02:59,612
- You have a boat?
- Yes, I bought a boat last year

53
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,204
at a police auction. I just got a call
from a guy down at the marina

54
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,783
that it's leaning starboard
at a 45-degree angle.

55
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:06,546
If I don't get down there right now
it's gonna capsize! Now come on!

56
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:11,521
Your boat is sinking. That was good.

57
00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:14,918
Come on.
Ted, this is an incredible opportunity.

58
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:18,988
We'll meet our soul mates, nail them,
and never call them again.

59
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,568
All finished, gentlemen?

60
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:25,764
Congratulations, you have just taken
your very first step.

61
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,842
Gosh, thanks, Ellen.
I sure hope this works.

62
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:33,775
I'm so done with the single life.
All the games, the meaningless sex.

63
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:35,810
You deserve more.

64
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,716
That is so true, Ellen.

65
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:43,484
I really think I'm ready to stop
being a me, and start being a we.

66
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:47,222
Hey, is there any way I can
let it be known that I love cuddling?

67
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:50,889
Oh, of course you... That is so...

68
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:56,495
It's kind of hard to talk about
with Ted here,

69
00:03:56,604 --> 00:04:00,404
but I just want someone who's not afraid
to hold me at night,

70
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,109
when the tears come.

71
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,703
Ellen, can you help me find her?

72
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,146
- Get out.
- What?

73
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,783
I get 15 guys like you every week.

74
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,047
Jerks who just wanna meet
vulnerable women,

75
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,146
nail them, and never call them again.

76
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,317
Oh, my God, people do that?

77
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,621
Do you wanna do this the easy way,
or the hard way?

78
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:25,028
What's the hard way?
Security roughs me up and tosses me out?

79
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,895
No, that's the easy way.

80
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:30,095
The hard way is that I stomp the crap
out of you myself.

81
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,838
- Okay, Ted, let's go.
- Not you. You stay.

82
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,409
You're cute.

83
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,569
You're an architect. Good career.

84
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,809
And you didn't use an obvious alias
on your application

85
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,179
like your friend "Jack Package."

86
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,645
- It's pronounced Puh-kaj.
- Get out of here!

87
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:50,883
You, I can work with.

88
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:55,792
You give me three days,
and I will find the woman you will marry.

89
00:04:57,197 --> 00:05:00,598
No, thanks.
I don't need an algorithm to meet women.

90
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,966
It's New York City.
You know, plenty of fish in the sea.

91
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,562
Plenty of fish in the sea.

92
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:08,835
Yes, there's nine million people
in New York,

93
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,001
4.5 million women.

94
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,579
Of course, you wanna meet somebody
roughly your own age,

95
00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:15,706
let's say, plus-minus five years.

96
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,307
So if we take into account
the most recent census data,

97
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:21,354
that leaves us with 482,000.

98
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:24,913
But wait, 48% of those
are already in relationships,

99
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,892
and then you have to eliminate half
for intelligence, sense of humor

100
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,053
and compatibility.

101
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,961
And then you have to take out
the ex-girlfriends, and the relatives

102
00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:34,125
and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.

103
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:38,933
And then that leaves us
with eight women.

104
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:44,077
That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?

105
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:48,548
There are eight fish
in that big, blue ocean, Ted.

106
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,809
And if you feel confident
that you could reel one into your boat

107
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,716
without me, there's the door.

108
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,413
Do you take credit cards?

109
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:02,559
Okay, it's back.
And this time we got a good look.

110
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,324
Hey. Seriously,
you have to stop doing that!

111
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,364
It's bigger now. It's been feeding.

112
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,666
We were just upstairs watching TV.

113
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,240
Oh, gosh.

114
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,350
Okay. Let's do this.

115
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:37,355
It's okay. It's over.

116
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,668
- So, did you get a good look at it?
- Yeah.

117
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:55,010
It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton,
like a roach.

118
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,777
But it had mouse-like characteristics.

119
00:06:57,885 --> 00:07:00,479
Gray-brown tufts of fur, a tail.

120
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:03,385
So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?

121
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,121
It's a cockamouse.

122
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,090
What?

123
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:13,098
It's some sort of mutant combination
of the two.

124
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,159
It's as if a cockroach and a mouse,
you know...

125
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:20,407
Did the horizontal, 10-legged,
inter-species cha-cha?

126
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,699
That's impossible.
That simply can't happen.

127
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,476
- But it can.
- And it has.

128
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:26,944
And it's pissed.

129
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,542
Dude, is everything okay?
You left the front door open.

130
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,017
There was no time.

131
00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:38,050
So, Love Solutions?
Did you meet the love of your life?

132
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:41,559
She said it'd take three days.
It's been five days.

133
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:42,651
Should I be worried?

134
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,231
Just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.

135
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:48,360
Did you just use my name as a verb?

136
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,300
Yeah, we do that behind your back.

137
00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:53,202
Ted out. To overthink.

138
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,932
Also see, Ted up.

139
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:58,209
Ted up, to overthink something
with disastrous results.

140
00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,780
Sample sentence,
Billy Teded up when he tried to...

141
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,644
Okay. I get it.

142
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:05,783
Don't worry. I'm not gonna
Ted anything up, or out.

143
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,746
I should give it a few more days.

144
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:13,891
- Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.
- Ted. Hi.

145
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,427
I meant to call you.

146
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,793
The computer is still crunching
the numbers.

147
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,866
Busy as a bee, that little computer.

148
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:21,525
You said it was gonna be three days.

149
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,330
Did I? Three days.

150
00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:24,426
- Really?
- Yeah.

151
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,530
When someone says you're gonna meet
the perfect woman in three days,

152
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:30,132
you kind of put that in your datebook. So.

153
00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:33,675
How do I say this?
This is gonna be really hard.

154
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:38,375
Ted, there are absolutely no women
out there for you.

155
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,186
Actually, I got through that okay.

156
00:08:48,129 --> 00:08:50,689
There are no women out there for me?
I thought you said there were eight.

157
00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:53,198
I know. There's supposed to be.
I don't know where they are.

158
00:08:53,301 --> 00:08:55,826
But I'm an architect.
And you said I'm cute.

159
00:08:55,937 --> 00:08:58,201
- I'm a cute architect.
- How do you think I feel?

160
00:08:58,306 --> 00:09:01,969
I have a 100% success rate.
That's my hook!

161
00:09:02,076 --> 00:09:04,476
I could maybe find somebody for you
if you were gay.

162
00:09:04,579 --> 00:09:06,103
- Well, I'm not.
- A little bi maybe?

163
00:09:06,214 --> 00:09:07,442
No!

164
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,575
- You're messing with me, right?
- Come see for yourself.

165
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,545
I cannot set you up

166
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:18,489
unless you have a compatibility rating
of 7.0 or higher. And look.

167
00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:21,626
5.4, 4.8, 5.6...

168
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,424
There's a 9.6 right there.

169
00:09:23,531 --> 00:09:25,226
Don't touch the computer.

170
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:29,736
Yes. Sarah O'Brien.
I fixed her up six months ago.

171
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,237
She would've been
absolutely perfect for you.

172
00:09:32,340 --> 00:09:35,400
Well, what about the guy you set her
up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?

173
00:09:35,509 --> 00:09:37,374
- 8.5.
- So he sucks!

174
00:09:37,478 --> 00:09:40,879
No, 8.5 is an extremely good
match-up quotient.

175
00:09:41,515 --> 00:09:45,542
Sure it's good. It's solid. But a 9.6?

176
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:49,419
9.6 is off the charts.
But Sarah is matched up.

177
00:09:50,124 --> 00:09:53,389
Ted, look. I have lunch. Please.

178
00:09:53,628 --> 00:09:56,688
I promise we will find you somebody.
Don't lose hope.

179
00:09:57,198 --> 00:09:59,723
There are new women turning 18
every day.

180
00:10:28,229 --> 00:10:31,392
It's a whole new species. The cockamouse.

181
00:10:31,499 --> 00:10:34,935
And it's the size of a potato.

182
00:10:36,771 --> 00:10:40,502
So, what now, it's a cockapotatomouse?

183
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,439
Don't make it sound ridiculous.
It's a cockamouse!

184
00:10:44,612 --> 00:10:47,581
My God, this is incredible!
We're like the same person.

185
00:10:47,682 --> 00:10:51,277
Sarah O'Brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.

186
00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:54,718
Her guilty-pleasure song
is Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft.

187
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,848
Wow, Ted.
Sounds like you're her perfect woman.

188
00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:01,989
And like the majestic seahorse,
it's hermaphroditic.

189
00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:06,362
Obviously, the whole thing
is shrouded in mystery.

190
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:09,133
For as much as we know
about the cockamouse,

191
00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:11,466
there is still so much we don't know.

192
00:11:12,173 --> 00:11:15,336
Well, we know that there is no such thing
as the cockamouse.

193
00:11:15,443 --> 00:11:18,435
What we don't know
is what you guys have been smoking.

194
00:11:19,413 --> 00:11:21,574
So you really don't believe
in the cockamouse?

195
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:24,480
Well, I believe that you saw
something perfectly normal,

196
00:11:24,585 --> 00:11:28,715
but you've exaggerated it in your mind,
you know, like the Loch Ness monster.

197
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:36,119
If by "like the Loch Ness monster"
you mean "totally exists and is awesome,"

198
00:11:36,230 --> 00:11:38,721
then, yeah, it's like
the Loch Ness monster.

199
00:11:39,734 --> 00:11:42,862
Its diet is not unlike our own.
Grains, cereals,

200
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:45,768
- and it's awfully fond of cheese.
- Okay. This is getting weird.

201
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,340
The similarities go on and on.

202
00:11:47,441 --> 00:11:50,672
She hates phonies.
I totally hate phonies, too.

203
00:11:51,212 --> 00:11:53,339
She's a dermatologist. I have skin.

204
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,948
You want to be her boyfriend.
She already has a boyfriend.

205
00:11:57,051 --> 00:11:59,679
- It's uncanny.
- All right.

206
00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:01,454
But it wouldn't hurt
to check her out, right?

207
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:05,389
See what my 9.6 looks like in person,
as, you know, a frame of reference.

208
00:12:05,493 --> 00:12:09,589
And if she thinks she can do
11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?

209
00:12:09,864 --> 00:12:12,264
OLDER TED; That's right, I did the math,

210
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,694
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.

211
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:22,503
I'm architect Mosby. Sorry.
I just wanted to say my job, too.

212
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,774
- Hi, I'm Ted.
- Hi.

213
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,277
So, what are we doing today?

214
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:29,008
Right, I have a kind of mole on my back.

215
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,243
It's probably nothing.
But I'm a cautious guy.

216
00:12:31,352 --> 00:12:33,115
I'm exactly the same.

217
00:12:48,536 --> 00:12:52,734
Sorry about that. Summer Breeze
is my guilty-pleasure song.

218
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,237
Oh, yeah, it's been stuck in my head
ever since I heard it this weekend

219
00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:59,710
- at brunch.
- I love brunch.

220
00:12:59,814 --> 00:13:01,441
It's the best.

221
00:13:01,582 --> 00:13:04,847
As long as I don't have to spend it
with a bunch of phonies.

222
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,710
I like the way you think, architect Mosby.

223
00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:12,323
Hey, this may sound weird.
But it'll definitely sound more weird

224
00:13:12,426 --> 00:13:14,690
once my shirt's off,
so I'm gonna ask you now.

225
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,491
Do you wanna have dinner with me
Saturday night?

226
00:13:18,099 --> 00:13:21,933
That's very sweet, but I'm actually
getting married on Saturday.

227
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:25,468
Friday night?

228
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:34,098
Wow. You're getting married.
Congratulations.

229
00:13:34,203 --> 00:13:36,671
- Thank you.
- I'm really sorry I asked you out.

230
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:39,639
It just felt like there could
be this weird connection between us.

231
00:13:39,742 --> 00:13:42,506
- How crazy am I coming off here?
- Only a little.

232
00:13:43,112 --> 00:13:47,048
Well, by some million-to-one long shot,
and I'm not rooting for this,

233
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:51,709
you wind up not getting married
this weekend, give me a call.

234
00:13:52,121 --> 00:13:56,080
Okay. But it's not likely.
I look damn good in my dress.

235
00:13:56,826 --> 00:13:58,157
I'm sure you do.

236
00:14:02,331 --> 00:14:05,357
Wow. That's a pretty sophisticated trap.

237
00:14:05,768 --> 00:14:07,736
You think the Road Runner's
gonna fall for it?

238
00:14:07,837 --> 00:14:12,103
Okay, we get it. You're skeptical.
But Marshall and I, we're believers.

239
00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:13,175
We believe.

240
00:14:13,275 --> 00:14:16,472
Yeah, look around.
The universe is mysterious and awesome.

241
00:14:16,579 --> 00:14:19,810
You got the Bermuda Triangle,
ghosts, Bigfoot.

242
00:14:19,915 --> 00:14:23,180
Bad maps, creaky houses,
hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

243
00:14:23,285 --> 00:14:24,252
Aliens?

244
00:14:24,954 --> 00:14:27,548
Come on! You gotta give me aliens!

245
00:14:27,656 --> 00:14:31,456
Stonehenge, Area 51,
there's alien crap all over the place.

246
00:14:31,594 --> 00:14:33,789
You can't be serious?

247
00:14:33,896 --> 00:14:36,194
My friend, you just poked the bear.

248
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:40,364
So, my 9.6,

249
00:14:40,469 --> 00:14:43,996
beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.

250
00:14:45,508 --> 00:14:48,204
- Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, it was a long shot.

251
00:14:48,310 --> 00:14:51,370
I told her to call me anyway if she
changes her mind. But I don't know.

252
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,381
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not skip over this.

253
00:14:54,683 --> 00:14:58,312
Raise your hand if earlier today
you hit on an engaged woman?

254
00:15:02,191 --> 00:15:04,352
Come on, Lily, don't hate the player,
hate the game.

255
00:15:04,460 --> 00:15:08,897
"On the night of July 2, 1947,

256
00:15:09,031 --> 00:15:11,659
"conditions were clear over
Roswell, New Mexico."

257
00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:12,825
Oh, jeez.

258
00:15:12,935 --> 00:15:15,130
Hey, Ted, there's a message
on the machine for you.

259
00:15:15,237 --> 00:15:16,670
- Dr. O'Brien.
- What?

260
00:15:17,406 --> 00:15:20,307
"When suddenly, an array of..."

261
00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:24,346
SARAH; Ted, hi,
This is Dr., O'Brien, About today,

262
00:15:24,446 --> 00:15:28,576
Listen, I really need to talk to you,
Call me, I'll be at the office all day,

263
00:15:29,118 --> 00:15:31,052
The doctor will see you now.

264
00:15:37,906 --> 00:15:40,272
What should I do?
I should totally go down there, right?

265
00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:44,038
Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting
to marry this woman on Saturday.

266
00:15:44,145 --> 00:15:46,375
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.

267
00:15:46,481 --> 00:15:49,382
Look, if I was marrying the wrong
person and the right person was out there,

268
00:15:49,484 --> 00:15:52,544
and knew it, I'd want that person
to come down to my dermatology office

269
00:15:52,654 --> 00:15:55,521
and tell me so.
In that scenario, I'm not interfering,

270
00:15:55,623 --> 00:15:58,456
- I'm a happy ending.
- Happy ending?

271
00:15:59,494 --> 00:16:01,724
Look, I have to go down there.
I don't know what's gonna happen

272
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,661
when I get there, but I
gotta give it a shot.

273
00:16:03,765 --> 00:16:07,633
- All right, see you later. Happy hunting.
- Wait, where are you guys going?

274
00:16:07,736 --> 00:16:09,670
Don't you wanna stay
and see the cockamouse?

275
00:16:09,771 --> 00:16:12,296
Yeah, we're gonna go
make some crop circles.

276
00:16:16,644 --> 00:16:19,841
- Oh, my God!
- Holy crap buckets, we got it.

277
00:16:19,948 --> 00:16:23,281
- What do we do with it?
- Calm down, I have a plan.

278
00:16:23,385 --> 00:16:24,818
I told my friend Sudeep about it.

279
00:16:24,919 --> 00:16:27,479
He wants to show it
to the Columbia Biology department.

280
00:16:27,589 --> 00:16:30,581
- But it has to be alive.
- Wait, no, no!

281
00:16:30,692 --> 00:16:33,525
They'll do lab experiments on it.
That's so mean.

282
00:16:34,329 --> 00:16:36,729
Shouldn't we just beat it to death
with a bat?

283
00:16:41,936 --> 00:16:43,335
Hello, again.

284
00:16:44,606 --> 00:16:49,043
I'm glad you came down. I would
prefer to say this to you in person.

285
00:16:49,644 --> 00:16:52,340
Go ahead, Sarah.
You can tell me anything.

286
00:16:52,747 --> 00:16:55,147
You have a basal cell carcinoma.

287
00:16:56,551 --> 00:16:57,779
Anything else?

288
00:16:59,621 --> 00:17:02,818
Your mole. The biopsy came back.

289
00:17:02,924 --> 00:17:06,382
It's not life-threatening,
but we should excise the rest of it.

290
00:17:06,628 --> 00:17:08,823
Wait, then you're still getting married?

291
00:17:08,930 --> 00:17:12,525
- Of course I'm still getting married.
- But we're a 9.6.

292
00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:15,431
- Excuse me?
- Okay, I...

293
00:17:15,804 --> 00:17:19,035
I went to Love Solutions
and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer

294
00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:22,803
that you and I are a 9.6.
Your fiancé's only an 8.5.

295
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:26,244
- You looked at my file?
- I had to. You're my only match.

296
00:17:26,781 --> 00:17:29,272
Aren't you even a little curious?
The woman who set you up

297
00:17:29,384 --> 00:17:30,874
with your fiancé
thinks we're a better match.

298
00:17:30,985 --> 00:17:33,476
I am getting married on Saturday.

299
00:17:38,393 --> 00:17:39,360
Ted.

300
00:17:39,461 --> 00:17:42,487
Look, don't you think you're being
a little impulsive marrying a guy

301
00:17:42,597 --> 00:17:45,293
- you just met a few months ago?
- Don't you think it's a little impulsive

302
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,392
for you to proposition an engaged woman
you don't even know?

303
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:52,098
See, we're both impulsive.
We're perfect for each other!

304
00:17:52,207 --> 00:17:54,232
- Ted, just calm down.
- Calm down?

305
00:17:54,342 --> 00:17:55,832
You're my only match!

306
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:58,674
Come on, there was a computer,
and there were eight fish

307
00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:01,613
- in a sea full of lesbians.
- Okay, Ted, Ted.

308
00:18:03,218 --> 00:18:07,746
Do you honestly believe deep down
that there is no one else out there for you

309
00:18:07,856 --> 00:18:10,051
just because some computer says so?

310
00:18:12,193 --> 00:18:16,789
I didn't use to, but there was math,
I got confused.

311
00:18:17,298 --> 00:18:21,462
Love isn't a science.
You can't calculate a feeling.

312
00:18:22,003 --> 00:18:26,372
When you fall in love with someone,
an 8.5 equals a perfect 10.

313
00:18:28,243 --> 00:18:29,505
You're right.

314
00:18:30,311 --> 00:18:33,974
If this thing is what you say it is,
it could be huge for my career.

315
00:18:34,782 --> 00:18:38,309
Brace yourself, dude.
This is gonna blow your mind-hole.

316
00:18:42,323 --> 00:18:45,087
You bastard.
I actually got excited about this.

317
00:18:45,193 --> 00:18:47,161
- What?
- It's empty.

318
00:18:49,764 --> 00:18:52,597
Wait, but if it's not here, that means...

319
00:18:53,668 --> 00:18:54,726
Lily!

320
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,596
- Robin!
- What?

321
00:19:01,276 --> 00:19:06,179
- Oh, my God! It's real!
- No, is it? Do something!

322
00:19:10,785 --> 00:19:13,777
No! What the hell was that?
You trying to get it drunk?

323
00:19:13,888 --> 00:19:16,220
It was the only thing I could think of!

324
00:19:16,357 --> 00:19:17,915
Lily! Thank God!

325
00:19:21,329 --> 00:19:22,956
Lily, I love you!

326
00:19:23,631 --> 00:19:25,792
Robin, open the window!

327
00:19:28,203 --> 00:19:32,333
Please, for the love of God,
open the window!

328
00:19:34,676 --> 00:19:36,268
It can fly.

329
00:19:37,445 --> 00:19:38,935
Wow.

330
00:19:40,281 --> 00:19:44,547
Be free, mutant beast.
I'll miss this private war of ours.

331
00:19:44,886 --> 00:19:46,649
I grew to admire your tenacious...

332
00:19:46,754 --> 00:19:48,779
Holy mother of God! It's headed this way!

333
00:19:48,890 --> 00:19:50,482
Close the window!

334
00:19:58,533 --> 00:19:59,659
Hi, Ellen.

335
00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:03,901
I think I want my money back.

336
00:20:05,206 --> 00:20:09,438
I'm a failure. I'm all washed up.
I tried everything, Ted.

337
00:20:09,844 --> 00:20:13,245
I widened the search parameters,
I tweaked the program.

338
00:20:13,781 --> 00:20:17,740
Last night, I stood out on the street
for five hours

339
00:20:17,852 --> 00:20:20,719
showing your photo
to random pedestrians. No takers.

340
00:20:21,623 --> 00:20:25,320
Although this transvestite hooker said
he/she would do you for half price

341
00:20:25,426 --> 00:20:27,018
because you kind of look like John Cusack

342
00:20:27,128 --> 00:20:30,222
and his/her favorite movie was
Say Anything...

343
00:20:31,199 --> 00:20:34,566
Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of
ice cream. Isn't that a bit cliché?

344
00:20:34,669 --> 00:20:36,159
It's for the bourbon.

345
00:20:37,605 --> 00:20:40,073
This isn't hopeless.
You're gonna find someone for me.

346
00:20:40,174 --> 00:20:43,735
No, I won't. You're gonna die alone.

347
00:20:43,845 --> 00:20:48,748
I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me.
I'm bright. I'm attractive.

348
00:20:48,883 --> 00:20:50,714
You just gotta get back out there
and keep looking.

349
00:20:50,818 --> 00:20:52,718
No. You're never gonna find anybody.

350
00:20:52,820 --> 00:20:56,256
And every year, you're just getting
older and it's getting harder and harder.

351
00:20:56,357 --> 00:20:59,292
You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be
up on that wall one of these days.

352
00:20:59,394 --> 00:21:01,794
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!

353
00:21:01,896 --> 00:21:05,423
- How do you know?
- I don't know, but I believe.

354
00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:09,264
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse
can find love in this crazy city,

355
00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:10,962
then damn it, so can I!

356
00:21:11,205 --> 00:21:12,536
You're losing me.

357
00:21:13,508 --> 00:21:16,102
The point is,
something good's gonna happen to me.

358
00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:20,112
I mean, maybe your computer will help,
maybe it won't, but it'll happen.

359
00:21:21,983 --> 00:21:25,646
- So I should keep looking?
- Of course you should.

360
00:21:26,187 --> 00:21:29,588
And now, you're gonna do it for free.